It should come as no shock that I have a hard time trusting people. I think it all boils down to the age-old nature vs. nurture debate. In reality, I know it’s just my nature to be this way. I’m a very cautious person and I’m not a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. And I think my relationship with my dad and subsequent males has nurtured me to be even more cautious about what I share and to whom.
I don’t give my heart out easily. I have walls erected around this small, beating heart of mine that are higher than most people care to reach. I haven’t met too many people in my life willing to break them down. In fact, I find it pretty amazing that I’ve been able to share as much of my life with my co-worker, Stephani, as I have. She doesn’t know the nuts and bolts of everything I deal with but she knows a lot. The fact that she even knows about my dad is a big step in the right direction.
I’m just not the type to speak freely about my past experiences and my life. I’m very cautious about what I give away to other people. It takes a long, long time for me to talk to anyone about my life. Most people don’t know I have a terrible relationship with my father, or how much I struggle with sin. They don’t know how vast my love of football is or what ticks me off. I keep everything locked up so tightly inside of me. It begs to be let out but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there and let people know the real me. The real me is completely different than the person I appear to be. She doesn’t cover everything up with a joke. She has scary questions about her faith that never seemed to be answered in the Good Book. She has no self-esteem and struggles daily with thinking she’s never going to be good enough.
The thing is, God knows the real me. He knows exactly the girl I’m portraying to be and the girl that I really am. He knocks at my heart-door every single day, just waiting for me to take a chance on Him. But I’m scared. I am so scared of what putting my whole trust in Him will do to me. I’m so scared of how He will change me. I’m scared of not wanting to be this girl anymore. I’m scared that the plans I have for myself look nothing like the majestic plans He has created for me.
How does a girl with so many complex daddy issues like me put her trust in a God like Him? He becomes another father figure to me, although He is the Ultimate Father Figure. He promises to not let me down, yet I’ve never known a time in my life where a man hasn’t let me down. He promises to love me unconditionally, yet I’ve only felt the conditional love from males. He promises to always be there for me, yet I’ve never known a man to keep his promises.
I know God is vastly different from mortal men. But until you struggle with the father issues that I’ve dealt with, it’s really hard to understand where this trust issue comes from. Even those who haven’t had a father figure. Sometimes I just wish my dad had left me when I was younger. I wouldn’t have had to deal with his daily berating of me, or his anger, or even the good times when I got a glimpse of what a good father is supposed to look like.
I want to put my trust in God. I want Him to have my heart. I want to know Him better and fall deeply in love with the Savior who died for me. I’m just at a loss of how to do that.