It’s been close to a year since I last wrote to you. A year of incredible growth, set backs, and emotional upheaval. I’ve started a new job, battled anxiety, dealt with some intense changes to my family, and began to grow into myself. But it’s been a good year. I can’t really complain.
I’ve been on a few dates since my last letter, trying to put myself out there more and be open to love. I’ve never had a very active dating life and that’s something you should know. I’m not interested in kissing a bunch of frogs before I find you. I’m not interested in settling for anyone who will take me now. If something doesn’t feel right in my heart, I’m not going to continue a budding relationship. Do I feel strange being 24 and not having a string of boyfriends (or even one serious boyfriend!) behind me? Sometimes. But I also feel as if I’m making the right choices for me, putting my needs first, and not content for anything but the best.
Some may say my standards are high and yes, I fully admit they are. But I’m not going to apologize for that or lower them. I’ve seen the effects of lowering one’s standards to have a boyfriend and it’s not something I want for my life.
With every failed attempt at a relationship comes this ever-ceasing sadness that they’re not you. I haven’t met you. Or maybe I just haven’t seen you yet. It’s entirely possible I have met you, but I know God will open our eyes to what could be in His time.
I have real fears, though, dear husband. Fears of what fully opening my heart and life to you will mean. I don’t want to lose myself and I’m scared of getting my heart broken. I don’t trust easily and what little trust I did have was shattered instantly in a moment that plays like a record, over and over in my head. I’m scared I won’t be able to trust you. I’m scared I’m going to drive you crazy with how neurotic I can be. I’m scared of what it means to fully, head over heels, fall in love with you. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what that feels like.
But here’s the amazing thing about these letters. You’re reading them on our wedding day. Somehow, in some way, you broke through all my barriers. You took all my failings and trust issues and emotional walls and loved me in spite of them. Sitting here now, in June of 2012, I don’t know how that’s even possible. I don’t know how you will do it, my love, but you will. The knowledge of that keeps me going, because I know the right man, the man God has designed for me, will love me in spite of my failings.
And I will love you in spite of yours. I may be naive in the relationship department, but I am not naive in the people department. And I know we all have failings, hang-ups, and crazy things we do. I know you won’t be perfect and there are things that will drive me crazy about you but still, I will love you. Always. Forever. Because you are my heart. You hold that piece of me that’s missing.
I’m hanging on, sweet. I am praying for you. I think of you always. I’m so excited to meet you, but I also understand why it hasn’t happened yet. I’m still working on me. I’m still finding what it means to be whole and alive and happy. I’ll get there. I promise.
I love you,