If July had a theme, I think it would have been simplicity. July was a simple, enjoyable month. I worried less about things that are out of my control and for the things I can control, everything felt a little less chaotic, a little less overwhelming. I’m not where I wish I was, but I am where I’m supposed to be. There are many things I want from my life, many things I want to chase after, but it’s okay if it takes me a while to feel ready to take the leap.
The Fourth of July was a fun, fun day. I haven’t done much for the holiday in years past, but my uncle opened up his home for a day of barbecuing, family catch-ups, and relaxing out on his dock. It was wonderful, most especially because my brother, his wife, and my adorable nephew came. And my favorite family from Georgia came down for the holiday week, which was so great. They are the best and our time with them was way too short. We ended the night with drinks on the dock and watching the fireworks, which took place just a few feet from where we sat. It was so amazing!
My mom’s birthday is in July, so we celebrated that, of course. I took her to see the movie Tammy, which was funny and we had a great time. Then, I was able to have her all to myself on her birthday because my brother couldn’t make it to her birthday dinner. (We had a second birthday dinner the following weekend, which coincided perfectly with her fiance’s arrival home after four months on the road!) Anyway, I enjoy celebrating her birthday and I think it was a good one for her!
As mentioned above, my mom’s fiance is back home. I used to get annoyed when he was in town (he stays with us now because there’s no sense in him keeping an apartment when he’s only home 10-14 days every 3-4 months), but I’ve gotten used to him. We have a much better rapport and we’ve even had times when it’s just me & him in the apartment, and it doesn’t feel awkward at all. I’m so happy about that! And Dutch is just thrilled when he’s home and has a buddy to hang out with all day. Things are so good on this front, though. Phew!
For the better part of a year, I’ve been slowly developing feelings for someone. He makes me laugh, makes me think, and makes me feel very good. And it’s lovely, but it’s just a crush and I’ve never had a crush evolve into something more. Who’s to say this one will? Then, this week, I received an email that said this: “Believe you’re worth going after what you want. Maybe you’re gonna get hurt. Maybe you’re gonna get bruised. Maybe you’re gonna stay waiting at the window for a long, long while. Maybe, just maybe, it’s worth doing it anyway.” I’ve known for a while that it’s time to take that next step, but it’s terrifying for me. Rejection is something I’m way too familiar with and it’s easier to stay in this comfortable space where “maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t.” Laying my heart on the line, being that vulnerable and honest, it makes me want to throw up. But getting bruised is all part of the journey, isn’t it? We only regret the chances we didn’t take, after all.
This month, I’ve been thinking a lot less about goals I want to accomplish and a lot more about how I want to feel. Don’t get me wrong – I still love goals and I will continue to set them, but I also want to tune more into myself and discover what emotions make me come alive. It’s a lot more difficult than setting goals because, with goal-setting, it’s more about extrinsic rewards. And those are easy to set. But what about intrinsic rewards? What about the emotions we want to embody in our lives? That takes a lot more soul-searching.
I’m looking forward to August, even if it won’t be a terribly exciting month. I’m planning on purging my closet and creating a capsule wardrobe, knocking off a few adventures on my Tampa Bay Project list, and maybe taking tiny, itty bitty steps toward opening my heart up to possibilities of more.
How was your July?