Stephany Writes

The Newsletters I Subscribe To & Patreons I Support

I’ll admit it: the social tab on my email is often out of control, mostly because it’s filled with newsletters and Goodreads update emails that I treat like a blogging feed. I read through each newsletter at my own pace, not too concerned about reading them the minute they hit my inbox. They’re a good distraction when I need a brain break at work, or when I’m procrastinating on my to-do list at home.

So, I thought it might be fun to talk about those newsletters I subscribe to and what I get out of them. I also wanted to discuss the three Patreons I support because this has been a relatively new thing I’m doing, trying to put my money where my interests are.

Newsletters I Subscribe To

Friday Letters from Jamie Varon

I’ve been following Jamie Varon for many years at this point, and it’s been fun to see her evolution as a writer and a person. When she announced she was starting a weekly email series, I couldn’t subscribe fast enough. (Actually, I tried to subscribe to it, only to find out that I already was. Ha.) Every week, Jamie writes a personal essay about something that’s on her mind. It could be self-love vs self-indulgence. Or breaking through the fear that holds us back. Or the ways in which a worrywart mindset isn’t doing any of us favors. It’s a radically honest email newsletter that will have you contemplating your life, goals, fears, and motivations every time you finish it.

Delivers every Friday afternoon • Subscribe here

What a Day from Crooked Media

Crooked Media is probably the only thing that’s getting me through this fucked-up administration with my sanity somewhat intact. Their daily newsletter breaks down the news in a digestible way, starting with the major headlines and moving into stories about all the other crazy shit that’s going on. (The stuff that would be the major headlines in any normal administration, sigh.) They also link to under-the-radar news and end every newsletter with a funny meme because we all need to remember to laugh even when the US is a dumpster fire.

Delivers every weeknight • Subscribe here

Notes from the Universe

I’ve been subscribed to Notes from the Universe for years. I looked, and I have an email saved from 2010 from NFTU, which means I’ve been getting these emails for almost a decade. And I still love them! Every weekday morning, it sends me a little pep talk to inspire me to continue striving toward my goals and keep persevering even when times are tough. They can be hokey at times, but mostly, they make me feel warm and fuzzy.

Delivers every weekday morning • Subscribe here

Girls’ Night In

I only recently started subscribing to Girls’ Night In, even though every newsletter listicle I’ve ever seen has mentioned it. What can I say? I’m late to the game sometimes! This newsletter is one of my favorites, and it reminds me of a more simplified version of Shape magazine. (It’s a weird comparison, I know.) Each newsletter contains a note from the editor, a selection of products to try that have been vetted by their team, and articles to enjoy (I find myself clicking on at least two articles in every newsletter). It’s a more light-hearted newsletter, focused on self-care and finding joy in the little things.

Delivers every Friday morning • Subscribe here

Notes of Grit and Grace

Notes of Grit and Grace is Nicole Antoinette’s email series for members of her Patreon community (meaning, you can’t subscribe to it for free). And there’s a reason why she doesn’t send out these notes to just anybody – they are deeply personal insights into her day-to-day life. She doesn’t hold back in these notes, talking about everything from her recent divorce to her sex life to her challenging relationship with her mom. She talks about mental health and fear and therapy and that age-old worry of being “too much” for people. It’s honestly probably my favorite email series on this list because with each email, I feel seen and understood. I recognize that I am not alone, even if Nicole’s lived experiences are vastly different from mine.

Delivers every Friday • Subscribe here

Patreons I Support

Currently, I support three Patreons, all for podcasts I deeply admire. It’s one of my favorite ways to support creators doing work I love because I tend to feel a bit guilty about how much free content I get from podcasts. A podcast is a lot of work to produce, and while I know certain big-name podcasts can fully support themselves on their ads, most cannot. And it’s those podcasts that I want to support in any way I can. So that’s why I support these three Patreons:

The Baby-Sitters Club Club

The Baby-Sitters Club Club is one of my all-time favorite podcasts. It’s about two men in their thirties reading and discussing the books in The Baby-Sitters Club (one of my all-time favorite series), and it’s phenomenal. It’s silly and stupid at times, so the humor isn’t for everyone, but it’s exactly what I want. So, when I found out they started a Patreon, I couldn’t subscribe fast enough! I was so happy to have a way to support two people I greatly admire and adore.

Price per month: $5
What you get: A weekly episode called “The Baby-Sitters Baby Elite, Elite Baby, Little Sister, Big Episodes.” (Yes, that’s really the name. Yes, I laugh every time they say it. Yes, I’m very easy to make laugh.) These episodes run through the books of The Baby-Sitter’s Club Little Sister series (another series I loved as a kid because I closely identified with Karen Brewer).
Click here to support the show!

Good Christian Fun

Another much-loved podcast where two Christians talk about the weird, the silly, and the interesting in Christian pop culture, both today and in the past. Every week, they talk about a specific movie, musical artist, or TV show with a guest. As someone who grew up listening to only Christian music until I was in my late teens, this podcast speaks directly to me. It also helps that it’s hosted by one of my favorites, Kevin T. Porter, and that his co-host, Caroline Ely, is a perfect companion. So, I joined their Patreon the minute they announced it because anything I can do to support them, I’ll do. It also means I get a second episode from them every week, and there’s is nothing better for my podcast feed than that!

Price per month: $5
What you get: Access to “Second Service,” which is a weekly podcast that doesn’t really have a specific format! One week, they might have Honest Bible Study, the next an interview with a writer, and the following is hunting for the best Christian song of all time. And sometimes, the episodes are just Kevin and Caroline chatting about life (those tend to be my fave). They’ve also introduced a new segment where Patreon subscribers can vote on the topic of upcoming episodes in the main feed.
Click here to support the show!

Real Talk Radio

Real Talk Radio was the first Patreon I subscribed to, which I did a few years ago when Nicole was trying to raise enough money to have a fully listener-funded podcast so she could pay herself and her sound engineer without resorting to ads. Now, Nicole is not only able to pay herself and her sound engineer but also the guests who come on the show, which I think is such a neat thing. I love being a part of her Patreon and gladly give my money to a show I enjoy so much.

Price per season (every other month): Various levels, $8, $16, and $25
What you get: Depends on the level. For the $8 level (which I’m subscribed to), I get bonus episodes, access to Notes of Grit and Grace, access to the monthly book club, advanced pre-sale tickets to her events, and more.
Click here to support the show!

Do you support any Patreons? What’s your favorite email newsletter?

Operation Write My Novel | February Recap

After having a very successful writing month in January… February did not go so well. It was a combination of feeling mentally unwell and being busy and just letting excuses get in the way of writing. It happens! It’s the reality of trying to write a novel while also working a full-time job, maintaining a blog, and trying to have a social life. But since I am committed to writing these posts and keeping everyone updated on what the novel-writing process really looks like, here’s my honest recap:

Week 5 (January 28 – February 3)

  • Words written: 4,046
  • Chapters written: 1
  • Things researched: “record sleeves,” “vinyl records,” “filched definition,” “unique drinks to make,” “bijou cocktail history,” “affectionate names in french to say to a friend,” “french foods”

I had such a fun time writing this week, even though I had to really challenge myself to sit down and do it. Some weekends, I just don’t want to worry about writing! But alas, as one of my cheerleading coaches once told me when I didn’t go to practice one evening (I was ten, by the way): “This isn’t a ‘want’ thing.” So I sat down and wrote, and lo and behold, it was fun! The whole chapter involved my two characters meeting for the first time and getting to know one another.

During my writing date, I edited chapter 3, which was probably my most difficult chapter to write. Once I finished editing it, I said to my writing partner, “Are you ready to cry your fucking eyes out?” Because that’s basically what this chapter does. Or, at least, that’s what I want this chapter to do. It needs to have an emotional impact, so I wanted to know how she would react to it. And… once I finished reading it, she told me she needed to take a minute because she was so emotional. YASS. Actually, I needed to take a minute, too, because it really was! Whew. But at least I know I’m hitting the right emotional tone with that chapter.

Week 6 (February 4-10)

  • Words written: 0
  • Chapters written: 0
  • Things research: n/a

Oof, I took a zero for this week. I think I just needed a weekend off after five straight weeks of writing and editing all weekend long. It was a good break and I did not feel bad about taking the zero. I was also in the middle of a depressive episode this week, and I just didn’t have the mental stamina to sit down at my laptop and write about a fun and happy romance. Life happens, and I know I’m going to have weeks where writing was impossible.

However, I did end up editing a chapter because I met up with my friend for our weekly writing date and was able to focus enough to read through one of my earlier chapters. This chapter was interesting to edit because I switched between past and present tense throughout this chapter. This is weirdly something I do often when writing. My novel is supposed to be in past tense but I slipped into present tense for a few paragraphs here and there. So… a lot of my editing this week was fixing my tense mistakes. Heh.

Week 7 (February 11-17)

  • Words written: 1,503
  • Chapters written: 1
  • Things researched: n/a

I wrote the majority of this chapter during my writing date because I was a little busy this weekend, as I had adopted Lila and was focused on getting her settled into her new home. 🙂 A good excuse, don’t you think? Thankfully, I still got my chapter for the week done because it was a short chapter. I wasn’t able to edit any of my previous chapters this week, which puts me a little behind. I may need to add in a few extra writing sessions soon so I can catch up.

Week 8 (February 18-24)

  • Words written: 0
  • Chapters written: 0
  • Things researched: n/a

Oops, another goose egg for the month. I don’t even have a great excuse for this one, only that I had a busy weekend and in the free time I did have, I didn’t feel like writing. I feel like I’m getting into more of the “meat” of my story and it’s typical for me to lose steam now. This is when I started really doubting myself and having such resistance to writing. This week, I couldn’t push through the resistance.

During my writing date, M. and I spent the first hour having a super deep conversation about dating, relationships, and the baggage we bring to each. It was cathartic and necessary but it also meant that I didn’t really feel like beginning to write when I knew I only had an hour to get anything down. It’s a silly excuse because getting any words down is better than getting no words down but alas, I did not do so. I think I may add in an extra writing session once a week throughout the month of March to help me catch up from a very lackluster February. Oof.

All About Sleep (Part II)

I was rather surprised by the response to my post where I talked all about sleep. Y’all, we have a lot of thoughts and feelings about sleep, top sheets, and pillows. (Way too many of you sleep with one flat pillow, and I don’t even understand that life.) It was fun to read all the comments and all your strong feelings about sleep. As my friend Steph put it, “Who knew sleeping was a topic that people could talk about so much?!” Apparently, it’s a hot topic!

So, I’m happy to continue this topic with Part II and this one is even longer than Part I. Oops! I have a lot to say about sleep!

My Ideal Sleep Schedule

I’ve thought about this a lot. If I could have my ideal sleep schedule, what would it look like? And here’s what I’ve discovered:

  • I’d like to wake up early – ideally around 5AM. I’d get a bunch of work done in these early morning hours. These are when I am productive and creative and focused.
  • Then, I’d take a nap around 9AM. There is nothing in the world I love more than a mid-morning nap. There’s something about them. I fall into a deep sleep and when I wake up, I still have the majority of my day left.
  • I’d wake up from this mid-morning nap around noon and get on with my day.
  • I’d go to bed around 10:30PM. It’s always such a struggle for me to get to bed early and a 10:30 bedtime is my norm lately and that feels good (and it would feel better if I could take my mid-morning nap every day, haha).

However, I do not have a life conducive to this schedule. I guess that’s one of the perks of working for yourself but, alas, I am not cut out for that. Instead, I work a regular 9-to-5. For this schedule, I wake up at 5AM on the days I work out and between 6-6:30AM on the days I do not. Ideally, I would go to bed by 9PM if I’m waking up early the next day for a workout, and 10PM if I know I’ll get an extra hour-ish of sleep. That doesn’t seem like a pie-in-the-sky dream – it’s very doable! I just need to manage my time better when I get home from work so that I’m ready to start winding down in the 8:00 hour.

How I Deal with Lack of Sleep

There have been two times in my life where I have had to deal with lack of sleep – the year I had insomnia and the last year of Dutch’s life.

I don’t really know how I functioned the year I had insomnia. I was in sixth grade and I think I managed to get Principal’s List one semester that year, Honor Roll all of the other semesters. So, apparently, it didn’t affect my education. I also rode my bike to and from school (it was about a mile) and I don’t remember that being a big deal. Hmm.

During the last year of Dutch’s life, I never knew how well or not well he was going to sleep. There were nights when he would spend an hour or two rearranging himself in bed over and over again. There were nights when he woke me up at 1am, needing to go out, and then he would be restless for an hour before he finally fell back asleep. It was never consistent and eventually I put him on medication to help him sleep.

So, how did I deal with that? Honestly, I just put on my big girl pants and handled it. There’s nothing you can really do when you’re not getting proper sleep, especially if it’s due to an outside force like a baby or an elderly dog. It’s also way different when you’re not getting sleep due to an old dog because I knew the only way I would get a good night’s sleep again was when Dutch died, and I didn’t want that. So I just dealt with it. I took naps when I could. Sometimes, I used sick time to go home and take a nap in the afternoon because I was barely functioning. And I gave myself lots of grace, telling myself that my job was to take care of this sweet, sweet pup in the last months of his life and there was nothing in the world more important than that. My job was to make sure he was comfortable, felt safe, and knew I was always there. (And now I’ll move on before we’re all crying! Ack!)

How I Sleep on Vacation

This is one of my strengths! I have never struggled with sleeping on vacation, thankfully. I typically wake up early (I’m always one of the early risers during girls trips), but that’s pretty normal for me anyway. I will say that I am always, always happy to come home and sleep in my own bed when vacation is over. (There is truly nothing better than that first post-vacation rest in my own bed.) And I always feel a little out-of-sorts when I’m falling asleep on vacation. It’s just that weird feeling of being in an unfamiliar environment and on an unfamiliar bed (and there are never enough pillows to satisfy me).

However, sleeping on vacation is totally different if I’m traveling with someone I’m dating. It definitely takes me longer to fall asleep and I feel like I wake up more frequently throughout the night. I think it’s just because I’m not used to sharing my bed and I’m trying to be mindful of how I look, and if I’m snoring, and if I’m hogging the blanket. There’s just a lot of awkwardness to sleep, ha, and it’s made even worse when you’re trying to sleep next to someone you’re attracted to. 😉

Snoring and Drooling

I can’t remember if the hosts of The Girl Next Door talked about snoring and drooling when they sleep, but I’m going to talk about it because I do both. Oh yes, I can’t tell you how sexy I feel when I wake up next to a pile of drool on my pillow. It’s an unfortunate reality of my life. I think it’s mostly due to my sleep position (side sleepers tend to be more drooly than stomach or back sleepers), and I have lots of girlfriends who assure me they are droolers at night too.

And, yes, I am a snorer. I am super self-conscious about my snoring because a romantic partner once joked about it to me constantly (meanwhile, homeboy was a snorer as well but I was nice enough not to say anything about it) and it just hit my sensitivity button. So now, when I’m on a trip with my girlfriends, I always volunteer for the couch because I’m so worried about keeping my friends up all night with my snoring (even though almost all of them have snoring husbands/partners and tell me frequently that it wouldn’t bother them).

How I Dream

I would like for people to stop insisting that they don’t dream. Everyone dreams and if you really don’t, then you’re not reaching REM sleep ever and that’s a real big problem. We have multiple dreams every night, but odds are, we just forget them. We typically only remember the dreams that are super wacky or super scary. (Case in point: I recently dreamed about going to a NYE party where everyone had to be killed off one by one, and the people at the party were the ones who had to do the killing. Do you see why I don’t watch scary movies?! My subconscious is a scary enough place to be!)

I actually love talking about dreams, how we dream, and the meaning behind what we dream. I truly think they are often related to the things we’re going through in our life. For example, at the end of 2018, I had numerous dreams about death, and they were so explicit and tragic that I had to look up what it all meant. Dreaming about death often symbolizes transformation, new beginnings, and positive inner changes. It felt so symbolic when I looked at these dreams this way. I was emerging from a miserable year full of loss and heartache and depression… and my subconscious was telling me that I would be transformed in this new year. It would be a year of rebirth for me. So yeah, I’m very resolute in my opinion that everyone dreams and our dreams matter in the grand scheme of things.

What I Set My Thermostat at for Sleep

I can only get a good night’s rest when my apartment is seriously cold. My thermostat is set at 73 degrees, and if it’s even one degree higher, I will notice the difference and not be able to sleep well. I realize how ridiculous I probably sound, but I am not wiling to budge on this point (thankfully, the one time I lived with a roommate, she was happy to keep the apartment set at a temperature that was most comfortable for me. See also: she ruined me for all other roommates.) For me, this means higher energy bills than is typical for an apartment my size but I am so willing to pay for that comfort. (EDIT: I got a few comments about my thermostat setting. I live in Florida, my friends. When I say my thermostat is set at 73 degrees, I’m talking about AC. I use my heater RARELY – like I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned it on and usually only for a few hours until the apartment has warmed up a bit. I realize that I wrote this post in the middle of winter, so everyone else is thinking about heaters. Ha. Nope. That 73 degrees is for AC!)

Are you a snorer or drooler? What’s your thermostat set at for nighttime?

All About Sleep (Part I)

A few months ago, I was listening to an episode of the Girl Next Door podcast and they were talking about a topic that I thought would make for a really fun blog post: sleep! So, I dutifully copied down all the different categories they talked about throughout their discussion on sleep and I’m excited to share my thoughts on what sleep looks like in my life. However, when I started writing this post, I realized I have a lot to say and I’m a bit wordy so I’m going to break this post into two parts, publishing the second part next week.

How Much I Sleep

I have always felt that I need more sleep than the average person. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person, which means my nervous system is wired differently than most people and I get overstimulated much easier. So, I think the fact that I need more sleep isn’t just in my head. I think it’s a real thing because the world is just a lot for me and exhausts me easily. I’d love to get 9-10 hours a night, but I regularly get around 7-8. I’m happy with that, though. Anything less than 7 hours and I can’t function. (And yes, I realize what that sounds like to parents of young children. Everything is relative! Also, my need for sleep is one of the reasons I’m still on the fence about kids, haha.)

What I Sleep In

I love long pajama pants. They’re just so cozy for lounging! However, those pajama pants get shucked off the minute it’s time for bed. My typical sleeping uniform is a tank top or large t-shirt and underwear. I need my legs free of any constricting material. (And don’t even get me started on socks. No to socks when sleeping.)

How I Sleep

I am trying to train my body to become a side sleeper, mostly because my favorite sleeping position (on my stomach with my arms splayed over my head) has resulted in awful lower back pain. I’ve seen a chiropractor about it and had multiple massages to ease the pain but the only thing that has actually helped is to stop sleeping on my stomach. But I love sleeping on my stomach! It’s the most comfortable position for me. However, I do not enjoy chronic pain so I am learning to sleep on my side.

Pillows, Blankets, & Sheets

I have a lot to say about this topic. I’ll start by listing out what is on my bed when I sleep:

  • A fitted sheet – I recently bought new sheets for my bed that cost a pretty penny but they are so soft and comfortable and make me feel oh-so-cozy.
  • A quilt – I always use a quilt. Yes, even in the summertime in Florida.
  • Medium-firm pillows – My pillows need to be soft but not too soft, firm but not too firm. So, medium-firm. And I need a lot of them. Currently, I have six. I would be okay with more.
  • A body pillow – This is what I snuggle with at night. It’s way better than a boyfriend because it doesn’t snore or move or talk in its sleep.

I do not use a top sheet when I sleep because I think they’re useless. I will die on this hill. I also cannot understand people who sleep with one pillow. ONE PILLOW. How is that comfortable?! Then again, most people can’t understand why I need half a dozen pillows to sleep, so poh-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe.

How I Fall Asleep

I am admittedly blessed in this department as falling asleep is usually not a problem for me, especially when I’m getting regular exercise and cutting down on my caffeine consumption. Sometimes, I toss and turn and when that happens, I just take melatonin and fall asleep not too long afterward. For the most part, though, I’m asleep within 15 minutes of turning out the light.

When I was in sixth grade, I had insomnia for an entire year. My parents had separated and the huge shift in my family environment must have altered something in my brain because sleep was elusive for me. I was probably getting 3-4 hours of sleep every night for an entire year. So, basically, I feel like I have earned my good sleep behaviors after losing out on an entire year’s worth of good sleep.

Napping

Napping is one of my superpowers. I try to take at least two naps every weekend and it honestly disappoints me if I can’t make it happen. (This is another reason I’m hesitant to have kids. What happens to my naps? It’s possible I am way too selfish to be a mother, haha.) My naps are sacred to me.

My naps are also… lengthy. For me, a good nap is at least three hours. That’s when I feel like I have a full sleep cycle and can wake up feeling refreshed. It’s the times when I only take a 1-2 hour nap that I wake up feeling super groggy and out of it.

I’m also blessed in that my naps typically don’t interfere with my sleep at night. On the days I nap, I will typically go to bed an hour or so later than my normal bedtime.

I firmly believe that my naps are part of my self-care. As mentioned earlier, I need more sleep than the average person because I’m an HSP and taking naps ensures I get that necessary downtime and silence that I need to recharge my batteries.

I know it’s a charged topic – what are your thoughts on pillows, blankets, and sheets? Are you on Team No Top Sheet like me?

Why I’m an Enneagram Nine

I finished The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery last week. I know personality frameworks are all the rage right now, and for some people, they can be a little eye-roll-y because they usually aren’t based in any actual science. And yet… there’s something about them that appeals to me.

Because even if they aren’t based in actual science, they are rooted in human experience and thoughtful analysis. Personality frameworks allow me to get to know myself better, to figure out exactly why I am the way I am, to learn coping strategies that will help me during stressful or difficult times in my life. They make me feel a part of something. They help me realize that I’m not alone, no matter how weird I think my personality is.

After reading the short descriptions of each type during the introduction of the book, I was feeling confident I was an Enneagram Four, but also had a strong connection to the way Enneagram Nine and Enneagram Six were described. Fours were noted as being “creative, sensitive and moody” while Nines are “pleasant, laid back and accommodating” and Sixes are “committed, practical and witty.”

After reading through the entire book, I was still on the fence. I was able to take Enneagram Six off the table, but I felt truly emotional reading about the characteristics, flaws, and motivations about both Nines and Fours. After rereading the chapters and truly digging into the strengths and weaknesses of each type, I think I can safely say that I am an Enneagram Nine. Here’s why:

I am a peacemaker to a fault.

Nines fears that expressing their preferences or asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea.

A pattern of behavior I’ve started noticing in my life is my tendency to let other people make the decisions and to keep my opinion to myself the majority of the time. It’s something I do because I don’t want to rock the boat; I don’t want anybody to have any reason not to be friends with me. I always want to keep the peace and for some reason, I have this internal belief that the way to do that is to always follow the crowd and avoid conflict at all cost. It’s good in the sense that I am easy to get along with, but bad in the sense that my needs sometimes aren’t getting met in my relationships.

I’m passive in my romantic relationships.

Nines drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner, whom they idealize and from whom they hope to glean a sense of identity and purpose. But after a while they don’t know where they end and the other person begins.

This passivity I have in my romantic relationships is something I’ve discussed extensively with my therapist. I want to be a strong, independent woman who stands up for what she wants and asks for what she needs, but when push comes to shove, I always fall over. I let him decide what restaurant we’re going to have dinner at, even if it means a 30-minute drive for me and a 5-minute one for him. I let him take control over how quickly the physical part of our relationship accelerates, even when I’m not completely comfortable with it. I take on his opinions, not wanting to assert my differing ones because what if he won’t like me when I do that? I’m not proud of this and it’s part of the reason I took a long break from dating. I needed to figure this out, so I can have healthier romantic relationships. So, it’s really not surprising this turned up in my Enneagram type. Not surprising at all. I’m just glad I’ve identified this, and now I can move forward in learning to be more assertive in my dating life, even when it’s wholly uncomfortable.

Making decisions can be paralyzing for me.

Because there are so many angles from which to examine an issue, so many factors to take into consideration, and so many pros and cons to fret over, Nines often never get around to deciding. They sit on the fence and agonize over what to do while waiting for someone else to make the decision or for the situation to naturally work itself out on its own.

Oh, do I ever struggle with making a decision, especially when the decision involves other people. For example, I agonized over where to go for my birthday dinner because I wanted to choose a place that everyone would enjoy and nobody would have to drive far to get to. When I make dinner plans with friends, I barely ever make a decision on where to go, instead following their lead. It can take me forever to finally push “order” on an item, even when I know it’s something I need. Making decisions is just not my forte, which means I’m probably not suited for a management role and that’s something I’m A-OK with.

I don’t often believe my opinion is important.

Nines will sometimes abandon their own opinion or defer to someone else’s, either because they’re uncertain or simply because they want to blend in and get along with them.

I am conflict avoidant to the extreme, and it’s never more obvious than the times I have to give my opinion. Since I’m very attuned to people’s thoughts and feelings, I can often give them the opinion they want to hear, not always the one I think is right. I want to be opinionated and stand up for what I believe in, but when I come faced with the choice to do so, I will always defer to the other person. For a long time, I believe I was a conservative, pro-life Republican because that’s the way I was raised and I didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to keep the status quo until enough was enough. It’s then I realized what I believe in and what’s important to me when it comes to politics, and it was not being a conservative, pro-life Republican. And this is the one area of my life that I have begun to be more vocal and assert my opinion, and it honestly feels so good to do so.

I’m an easy person to get along with.

Loyal and kind, they will go above and beyond the call of duty to support you. They’re fun, flexible and don’t complain too much. They love life’s simple pleasures.

I don’t ask for much from other people. Now that can be good and bad because it means sometimes my needs aren’t getting met, but for the most part, it’s a good quality. It means I’m just happy being with people, full stop. I don’t expect the world from them and I want to support them in any way I can. And I’m fiercely loyal to those I call my own. If you’re in my circle of trust, I will defend you to my death.

I am a natural mediator.

Supportive, nonjudgmental and inclusive, they build bridges and bring people together in a spirit of cooperation.

As a Nine, my goal in life is peace. I want inner peace, outer peace, world peace, all the peace. I want peace in my relationships, in my work environment, in my home. And I will work hard to make sure that happens. I am inclusive and cooperative and supportive to every kind of viewpoint. I can see both sides of every issue and I want to bring people together.

I am my best self in a low-stress work environment.

Creatures of habit, Nines appreciate structure, predictability and routine in the workplace. Nines don’t like to bring work home, and they definitely don’t like interruptions on weekends or vacation.

My current job is perfect for me. I am given free rein to work at my own pace and prioritize my own tasks. I do not have a boss breathing over my shoulder. I am also not required to work overtime or work on the weekends, even when I’m behind. I have a set monthly schedule and life at work is predictable for me. And I love that. It’s not that every day is the same, but that I have a predictability to my workflow that is determined by me and that’s exactly what I need to feel confident and happy at work.

When stressed, I become more anxious and self-doubtful. In security, I am goal-oriented and confident.

In the book, the author makes a point to talk about how each type reacts in times of high stress and times when we’re feeling safe and secure. This is the area where I could really type myself as a Nine over a Four. When I’m stressed, making decisions is harder than ever and my anxiety is through the roof. And, even worse, my temper has a short fuse and I can react emotionally to even the slightest barb. When I’m feeling secure, though, there’s no better feeling. I can make decisions with confidence and genuinely understand my place in this world and why I matter.

My “wing” is One.

Nines with a One wing have a strong sense of the difference between right and wrong … The 9w1s are more critical, orderly, introverted and passive-aggressive than other Nines.

One of the things I love about the Enneagram is the fact that it takes into consideration that we’re human and fluid and ever-changing. Our motivations never change, but the way we react to external stimuli can. This is why each type has two wings, and you fall in one wing or the other. For me, I’m a Nine with a One wing.

***

So, what does all of this knowledge mean for me now? Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I do know it will prompt me to acknowledge when I’m acting more in line with the “negative” parts of my type: not being decisive, passivity in relationships, feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter, etc. In doing so, I am hopeful to work towards being more of a healthy Nine, someone who is a peacemaker but not a pushover, who is inclusive to all points of view without forgetting her own, who can make decisions in a confident manner.

It’s up to me to take this knowledge and let it guide my life in a healthy manner. I think I’m up for the challenge.

Do you know your Enneagram type? If so, let me know what it is!

Thirty-One

Today, I’m thirty-one years old.

Growing up, it was impossible to picture myself in my thirties. Would I ever be that old? I didn’t think so. Then again, it’s hard for me to picture myself in my forties or fifties right now. It just seems so unfathomable that this body, this soul I’ve been walking around in for more than three decades, will get there. It’s happening less and less often, but I can’t lie: sometimes there are days I still feel like I’m a teenager.

Oh, I’m the adult who has to make a call to the cable company about a bill dispute?

Oh, it’s up to me to keep track of all of my doctor’s appointments?

It’s weird to be the adult. To be the one who is trusted to make the decisions. To be the one who feels comfortable making the decisions. Because I am. I’m comfortable making decisions and calling companies and scheduling appointments. It’s not weird anymore. It hasn’t been weird for awhile.

Thirty was not a good year for me. In fact, I’d venture to say that it was the worst year of my life. It was a year filled with loss, depression, uncomfortable changes at work, and loneliness.

I should have known it wasn’t going to be a banner year for me, as I kicked it off by breaking my ankle while helping a friend move. A few months later, my beloved dog Dutch died. He was my constant companion for nearly a decade, and I still don’t know how I’m moving forward in life without him. During the second half of 30, I battled intense anxiety that had me requesting a change to my anti-anxiety meds, and then a bout of depression knocked me down for a number of months. It was also during this time that an influx of my coworkers – the ones who were my dear friends and who had gotten me through every bad day over the past 4-5 years – left the company. I’m left with just one remaining friend, and while I like the majority of my coworkers, they are just that… my coworkers. They aren’t also my friends, my work wives, my soulmates. With my friends moving onto new jobs, I’ve spent the past few months wondering what’s next for me. Am I happy here, am I challenged, is this where I’m supposed to be? I don’t really have the answers to any of those questions.

And then, my Pops unexpectedly passed away. I didn’t expect to lose him this year, not at all. I expected to have decades left with him. He was only 77! His last health screening had come back negative for any health problems! How could he be gone? Losing him was unexpected – and traumatic – and the grief is overwhelming. My heart feels like it lives in the pit of my stomach at all times; my shoulders feel burdened by the weight of losing him.

So, yes. Thirty was not kind for me, and I really hope it’s a not a precursor for what is to come in my thirties.

This year wasn’t all bad, of course. My friends threw me a fun, low-key birthday party where they surprised me with the most thoughtful gifts (including a “30 Reasons We Love Stephany” print that I look at constantly). I went on a week-long cruise with my mom where I rode horses through a jungle in Belize, zip-lined in Honduras, and sipped fruity cocktails poolside in Cozumel. I spent a weekend on Anna Maria Island with my girlfriends. I watched one of my best friends get married. I was thrilled when my mom adopted the sweetest dachshund puppy that she named Chip (after her favorite food: chocolate chip cookies) who has sewn my heart back together. And I celebrated two years of solo living.

It hasn’t been a good year, but there were moments of goodness sprinkled throughout.

For the past few years, as I turn a new age and take stock of my life, I have always seemed to find myself lacking. No partner, no weight loss, no novel, no big change. I’m never where I think I should be at this time. Many people my age are married or in serious relationships. They have children – multiple! – and fully settled into parenthood. They have impressive career titles or are homeowners or go on dazzling vacations every year.

It’s so easy to find yourself lacking when you look at what other people are doing.

It’s so easy to not find anything impressive about your life when you’re just looking at others.

But when I take stock at my life today, I am so goddamn happy with it. I don’t have all the things I thought I wanted, but maybe I don’t actually want them. Or maybe just not right now. There’s always this “grass is greener” mentality for the things we see in others that we find lacking in ourselves, but just because other friends are married doesn’t mean I need to be. Just because they take solo European vacations doesn’t mean I should. Just because they bought a home doesn’t mean it’s the right move for me.

When I keep my eyes on my own paper, when I look at where I came from and where I am today, I can’t feel anything but immense pride for the woman I am today. I am genuinely happy with my life. I am obsessed with my friends and even more so with my family. I am still best friends with my mom, and just a phone call from her lights up my world. I feel empowered by my job, and still really like what I do, even after five years (and even after all my friends have left, wah). I’m financially stable and have my very own adorable apartment that is my refuge. I didn’t go on a single date in these past 11 months, and I feel good about that. I feel happy and secure in my singleness for the first time in a long time. I’m leading the life I want to lead, and there’s nothing more powerful than that.

I am oh-so-ready to say goodbye to 30 because it was a tremendously difficult year for me. I am expecting big things from 31. I want to lose weight. I want to finally finish that damn novel. I want to grow my savings and learn more about investing. I want to shop less, watch more movies, and spend more time by the pool. I want to adopt kittens and be the cat-mom I always knew I could be. I want to take a solo vacation, visit the Grand Canyon, and finally see Washington D.C. Mostly, though, I just want to enjoy this one beautiful life I have. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s my life. And I want to enjoy it as much as I possibly can.

Why I Don’t Want to Work for Myself

I’ve been a blogger for about ten years now, which means I’ve been following people online for a really long time. It also means I’ve watched person after person quit their full-time job to work for themselves. It’s always touted as the “ideal” scenario because why would anyone want to work for a boss, have their schedule dictated by someone else, do work other people tell them to do? Isn’t being able to quit your job to work for yourself the ultimate freedom, the ultimate goal?

For me, the answer is an emphatic no.

I had what is called a quarter-life crisis in my mid-twenties, when I was working at an unfulfilling job and feeling completely lost and confused about what I wanted from my career. I had never been particularly career-minded, never one to dream about rising through the ranks at a corporation or getting that corner office. I never had aspirations for management. I just wanted to do work that felt fulfilling, something where my skills could shine.

And yet, as a painfully shy, socially anxious person, I was terrified of every little thing when it came to work. I was scared of messing up, of taking initiative, of speaking up in meetings. I didn’t really know what my skills even were, much less what position they would shine in.

That was around the time when it felt like everyone was starting online businesses. There were podcasts devoted solely to “solopreneurship” and “building a brand.” It seemed like the only way to enjoy your life was to have your own online business. There were life coaches and web designers and bloggers. They were shouting from the rooftops how freeing it is to own your own business, to not “work for the man,” to have your own schedule.

And it started to feel a little condescending.

Because, truly, what is so wrong about working for someone else? Why can you only love your life when you’re working for yourself?

I called bullshit on that real quick.

I knew the answer to finding fulfillment in my life wasn’t by quitting my job and starting my own business. It was by finding things that made me happy outside of work (exercise, reading, joining a book club, travel) and getting real serious about finding a new job. I still wasn’t sure what skills I had or what kind of job I wanted. All I knew was that my degree was in communications, I had some marketing experience, and I loved to write.

And that’s when it happened.

I found it. The job that fulfills me. The job that doesn’t give me Sunday Scaries. The job that doesn’t define who I am by any means, but just makes me feel good.

This week, I’m celebrating five years at this company and I really cannot believe it’s been half a decade. When I started at this position, I was so scared. It took me two-and-a-half days to even approach the break room! It took me a week to talk to a coworker who wasn’t my boss. It took me over a year to find a friend. But from the minute I started, I knew I was at the right place. Five years later, I still feel that way. I still love what I do.

I still love to “work for the man.”

However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it would mean to work for myself. I have. I’ve thought about being a full-time freelance writer, working on projects I sought out myself. I know it would take awhile to get there. I’d have to spend months, or maybe even years, writing in the nooks and crannies of my life. Early mornings, lunch breaks, evenings, weekends. I’d have to hustle hard and throw my entire self into the work.

Man, does that sound exhausting.

Perhaps fulfilling in some way. And, I can’t lie, the extra money would be rull nice. But mostly exhausting.

There’d be no time for myself. No time for reading. No time for exercise. No time for friends. No time for naps. (I’d really miss napping.)

It’s not worth it for me. That side hustle life is not for me.

Right now, I have one single freelance client. She sends me work when she needs it. Sometimes, that means I’m spending every weekend writing. Sometimes, that means I go months without hearing a peep from her. It’s the ideal scenario.

And there are major benefits to being employed by a company. Health insurance, for one. Taxes, for another. Knowing that my job is steady and I will get a paycheck for the same amount of money every other week. Meeting new people, having a reason to take a shower and get dressed every day. Not having to worry about work coming in – I just take what’s given to me and do it with a smile. I’m challenged in ways that fulfill me, not in ways that stress me out.

So, I take your “working for yourself is so freeing” and raise you a “so is working for someone else.” I don’t think working for yourself is any more freeing than working at a job that fulfills you. I think they both offer their own levels of freedom and autonomy. It’s all about how you choose to view it.

Some Thoughts on Anxiety, Medication, and Shame

It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”

I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in a I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.

And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”

Light bulb. 

It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”

So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.

That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.

Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.

And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.

I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.

I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression, and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.

So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?

Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.

Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.

The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.

And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.

What I Spent in Q2 of 2018

Happy Friday! Typically, I save Fridays for writing fun and light-hearted posts, but this time around, you’re getting a lengthy discussion about my spending summary for Q2. I did this in Q1 and it was interesting to look back at that post, and see what areas I’ve improved and what areas I haven’t.

I’ve broken these down by categories, from where I spent the most money to where I spent the least, and it comprises April, May, and June during which I took a seven-day cruise and had a bunch of stupid car repair stuff. I’m sharing real numbers here, which is something I can do because my budget only concerns me and me alone. As a note, I don’t use any sort of budgeting software. I use a spreadsheet I created on Google Docs because I like doing it old school. 🙂

Okay! Let’s get down to business:

Entertainment – $757

I spent way more money this quarter with my entertainment budget – $172 more to be exact. It amounts to spending about $63 a week on entertainment, which can range from pizza delivery to movie tickets to dinners with friends. Ideally, I’d love to bring this area of my budget under $450 per quarter and that’s going to take a lot of work to make happen. We’ll see if I can accomplish it in Q3!

Beauty – $546

This category comprises hair appointments, waxes, pedicures, and massages. It was a pretty pricey quarter for beauty, as I spent $200 more than I did in Q1. I had two hair appointments, a handful of pedicures, two eyebrow waxes, and one underarm wax. No massages this quarter, and I’m hoping to rectify that in Q3 because my muscles are definitely craving a massage. I really take this area of my budget seriously – I go to a pricier salon for my hair appointments and waxes, but it’s worth it for me. I also probably don’t need a monthly pedicure, but it’s less than $30 and makes me feel good to have pretty toes!

However, I would like to slash this area of my budget if I can and one way I’m going to do that is by coloring my hair at home. Typically, I get my hair colored every eight weeks and every other time I get my hair colored, I get it cut. I’d like to cut out that appointment where I’m only getting it colored, which would mean I’m only at the salon three times a year, instead of six. It would save me a lot of money!

Travel – $437

Even though Q2 is when I took my cruise, I spent a lot less this month because everything was already paid for! But I did end up spending quite a lot on the cruise, between drinks, souvenirs, bingo games, and parking fees at the port. It was all worth it, though!

Health – $219

This category comprises my gym membership, Weight Watchers membership, and all of the medicine I purchased during Q2 due to all of the sickness I dealt with. And yeah, you read that right: Weight Watchers membership. I joined back in late March when they had a great deal on a six-month membership. It’s around $38 a month and I can’t say I’m using my membership to its fullest extent – eeks. I’d like to write a post about my complicated feelings about being a Weight Watchers member because I have a lot of weird feelings about it.

But anyway, I’m hoping this category will reduce a lot in Q3 because I’m about 95% sure I’m going to cancel my gym membership soon. It’ll save me $35 a month!

Toiletries – $174

Toiletries includes personal care products like shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, body wash, etc., as well as household items, such as dish soap, garbage bags, paper towels, etc. I stop by Target twice a month for toiletries and would like to keep my spending under $50 a month, and I’m really close to doing so! I’ll always spend a little more on toiletries than some people because I buy a lot of body wash every month (I use them for my bubble baths at night and buy 4-5 bottles a month), and buy the pricier shampoo and conditioner.

Last time I did this spending summary, I included makeup with my toiletries total and this time I separated them out. I’m interested to see if I spend less in Q3 on toiletries now that I have a starting point.

Starbucks – $150

This is a pretty normal total for me, as I add $25 to my Starbucks card every two weeks (when I get paid). I go to Starbucks once a week to work on my novel and typically get a pricey coffee and breakfast sandwich when I do. I’m okay with this number!

Gifts – $122

This is double what I spent in Q1, but what can you do? Gift giving is a priority for me. I bought birthday gifts for a couple of friends and a housewarming gift. Always happy to shower my friends with a little something for their birthdays and special events!

Clothing – $109

I covered some of this in my yearly goals post on Wednesday, but Q2 was a bit spendier than I wanted it to be in terms of clothing. I bought a polo shirt, two pairs of sandals. I also had to buy a “costume” for a friend’s 90s-themed birthday party. I was able to return most of what I bought, but a few of the items were from Amazon and man do they make it inconvenient to return things, ha. I could have gotten $25 back, but I just didn’t feel like wasting the energy to buy an envelope and ship it back. Ah, well.

Books – $65

Woohoo, I slashed this in half from Q1! I have tried to put a bit of a kibosh on my book buying, so most of the money spent on books in Q2 came from my Book of the Month subscription, which is $15 a month. I also added an extra book for $10 one month and couldn’t help myself to a new Christina Lauren book when I was at Target last month. Oops.

Makeup – $65

It’s real interesting to see how much I spend in makeup over a quarter! And, honestly, I can’t remember if this includes my $10 a month Sephora PLAY! box. (I recently added a “subscriptions” tab to my spending spreadsheet, but I think I included the beauty box to my makeup category.) If it does, then that’s not too shabby – $35 for makeup over three months. I don’t buy a ton of makeup, though. I have to replace my foundation and powder every other month, and my mascara and eyebrow pencil once a quarter. Thanks to my beauty box, I have tons of lipstick samples and eye shadow samples so I never have to buy those now.

Okay! So there we go. That’s my spending summary for Q2. Some wins, some losses. And I was able to kick the Amazon category off this list because I deleted my Prime membership finally. Woo! I’d really like to focus on that entertainment budget in Q3, and somehow keeping it under $500. I feel like it’s just something I have to be super conscious about, and knowing that I don’t have to say “yes” to every social outing my friends invite me to. It’s okay to experience a little bit of FOMO if it means I’m aligned with my goals.

I didn’t include my debts in my previous spending summary, but it’s going to have a place going forward. I’m nervous to talk about it, but deep breaths!

Debts

  • Student loans: $13,039
  • Credit card: $1,615

Okay, I’m writing these numbers here for accountability and I know it means I’m opening myself to receiving messages about my irresponsibility with my money. Please don’t do that. Be a kind person, okay, and realize that we’re all just trying our best and sometimes, it means we incur credit card debt. I don’t like that I have credit card debt and I beat myself up enough about it. No need to tell me that it’s irresponsible!

With that said, Q2 was not a good quarter for my debts. It was especially not a good quarter for my credit card because I had it nearly paid off. And then the cruise happened. And then a bunch of car troubles happened. Things just happened.

I know I need to get out of the cycle of using my credit card whenever something happens, and I know I can quickly pay off this debt during Q3, as I won’t have a car payment anymore and can funnel an extra $230 to my credit card. (And, you know, stop using the card!)

I’m paying the minimum balance on my student loans right now, but once I have my credit card paid off and then an emergency fund set up, I’m going to start funneling an extra payment to those loans. Maybe I’ll have them paid off by the time I’m 40? 🙂 Hopefully sooner, but I’m also not super stressed about those loans. They are “good” debt as far as I’m concerned.

My Junk Financial Beliefs

A few months ago, The Financial Diet published a post titled, Why You Need to Clean Out Your Junk Financial Beliefs (& How to Start), which really got the wheels churning in my head. TFD is a hit-or-miss publication for me because I find that a lot of the writers are immensely privileged and it’s hard to relate to a lot of their articles. But this one… this one really hit home for me and had me combing through my own belief systems, the way I was raised, and how it all affects the way I view my finances today.

As many of you know, I grew up poor and this was mostly due to the fact that my dad had a rather significant gambling problem. Without it, we could have lived a fairly comfortable middle-class existence, but as it was, we struggled to make ends meet on my mom’s preschool teacher salary. My dad’s paycheck (and sometimes, some of my mom’s…) was used to fund his gambling addiction. So, I grew up on free school lunches, eviction notices, and that survivor mindset. In my family, wealth was not something to strive for. Making it to the next paycheck without the lights getting turned off was. Things like 401ks, savings, and investments were not in the conversation. The biggest vacation we took as a family was when we went to Ohio. My dad drove the 1,200 miles from Clearwater to Toledo, and we stayed with relatives.

So all this to say… I have a lot of junk financial beliefs. I have had to work through a lot of shit, and I’m still working through it because it’s only been in recent years that I’ve been able to feel like I’m finally getting a good handle on my money. But I still fall prey to my junk financial beliefs, so let’s talk about them, shall we?

Deep breaths. I’m about to get real personal about these.

Junk Financial Belief #1: Working a second job is beneath me.

I’m not talking about having a side hustle, like freelance writing. I’m talking about getting a second job, usually in the retail space. Whether that’s working at the local Starbucks or the mall, I cannot bring myself to “lower myself” to get a second job, even though I know I could pay down my student loans so much faster if I did that, not to mention I could have a bit of breathing room in my budget. But there’s something about doing that that feels like defeat. I’m a college graduate! I have a full-time job! I shouldn’t have to also work a second job. (Yeah, I have a bit of that millenial entitlement going for me, I guess.)

If I did get a second job, it would solely be to pay off my student loans faster and build up my savings. Which means I would only have to work said job for a handful of years. It wouldn’t be forever, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It would significantly eliminate my free time, and I’m not willing to give that up. I also think it would affect my mental health because part of my self-care routine involves lots of sleep and alone time. That’s partially why I haven’t tried harder to find more freelancing opportunities; it takes a lot of my mental energy – mental energy that’s already at a more limited capacity than most people.

Junk Financial Belief #2: I will always struggle with money.

I have a scarcity mindset when it comes to my finances. I never feel like I’ll ever have enough money, even though I actually do. I’m able to pay my bills, put food on the table, go on vacation. But I don’t save as much as I would like, I have credit card debt, and I always feel as if I’m working at a deficit when it comes to my budget. And it all feels very natural to me to have this unhealthy relationship to my finances. That’s the way I was raised, always fearing that one bill that could turn our world upside down, and that’s the way I live today, even though I don’t need to.

This belief about struggling with money has deep roots in my past, but also my present because most of my family also struggles with money to this day. And there’s this part of me that feels selfish when I think about not struggling – do I really deserve that feeling of peace and fulfillment when it comes to money? Have I earned it?

It’s a lot to think about. I know I deserve that peace. I know my family members also deserve that peace. And I know it ultimately comes down to getting honest about my budget, eliminating the things that are holding me back from ultimate financial freedom, and allowing myself to claim a sense of ownership over my own money situation.

Junk Financial Belief #3: Extra money is supposed to be spent, not saved.

Growing up, having extra money was like finding a unicorn on the side of the road. As in, we almost never had it. I still don’t know how my parents afforded Christmas gifts, but I suspect it was a very stressful time for my mom. Savings wasn’t part of my lexicon growing up, and it’s only been in recent years that I’ve realized that having a well-funded savings account is something I need. It’s not something that would be nice-to-have, but it’s something that would allow me to stop depending on my credit card when emergencies arise (like, say, if my tire blows out one morning on the highway).

I’m getting better at this, but I can’t lie. Sometimes when I log on to my banking account and see that I have more money sitting in my checking account than I thought… it’s hard not to immediately place an order on Thriftbooks or start perusing the Old Navy website. It’s a mindset shift, but I know that the pleasure of seeing four figures in my savings account will far outweigh the pleasure of getting that shipment notification in my email inbox.

Junk Financial Belief #4: It’s normal to use credit cards to buy the things you want.

Oy vey. This has been a belief that I’ve been working on dismantling for years now. It’s the whole “buy now, pay later” mindset, and it’s a very popular one. I know I’m not the only one who has fallen into this trap. It started when I was given my first credit card at the tender age of 18. It had a $500 limit and I used it responsibly. I paid it off every month, using it to buy new items for my dorm room. Then, during my sophomore year of college, I stood in front of an Old Navy store, thinking about how I just really wanted some new clothes for summer, but I didn’t have the money to do so. I was talked into applying for an Old Navy credit card, and my jaw about hit the floor when I was approved and told my limit was $2,500. Within a year, that card was maxed out and I had no way to pay even the minimum payment. Eventually, I worked out a payment plan and paid off that card. But I never lost the shame attached to maxing out a credit card during the first year of my twenties, effectively ruining my credit. I had always told myself I was going to be better about my finances than my parents were, and here I was, my first time out as an adult, and I fucked it up royally.

That card is when I got into this mindset of buying now, paying later. And while I have worked hard to dispel myself of this… I have to constantly fight against myself. For example, just a few weeks ago, I spent an entire evening on ThredUp, throwing shirt after shirt into my cart and telling myself I “needed” these shirts because the dress code at work had recently changed. I didn’t have the money in my checking account, so I told myself I would put it on my credit card and “next paycheck, I’ll really get serious about my budget.” (<— anyone else do this? Sigh.) Thankfully, I came to my senses before I spent any money. I had to remind myself that if I don’t have money in my checking out, I don’t have money. It’s a mantra I have to constantly repeat to myself because it’s so easy to get caught up in buying things and putting it on credit. Part of it has to do with growing up poor and spending the first half of my twenties poor. I couldn’t buy things, ever, so now that I have the ability to, it’s so much harder to resist my impulses. But I’m trying and it starts by dispelling this financial belief that I can buy whatever I want using my credit card.

Honestly, I could probably write another 1,500 words on other junk financial beliefs I have, but I think this post has gotten too long already (maybe I’ll write a Part II in the future). These are some of my bigger ones, and it’s not easy to come clean about all of this. But it’s important. It’s important to talk about money and open up about the way our past has defined our present. It doesn’t mean I still abide by these beliefs or that I’ve thrown in the towel. No – I am actively working on dismantling them, so that I can have that elusive financial freedom sometime in the future. That’s all I can ask of myself.

Your turn! Tell me one junk financial belief of your own.