Stephany Writes

Why I’m an Enneagram Nine

I finished The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery last week. I know personality frameworks are all the rage right now, and for some people, they can be a little eye-roll-y because they usually aren’t based in any actual science. And yet… there’s something about them that appeals to me.

Because even if they aren’t based in actual science, they are rooted in human experience and thoughtful analysis. Personality frameworks allow me to get to know myself better, to figure out exactly why I am the way I am, to learn coping strategies that will help me during stressful or difficult times in my life. They make me feel a part of something. They help me realize that I’m not alone, no matter how weird I think my personality is.

After reading the short descriptions of each type during the introduction of the book, I was feeling confident I was an Enneagram Four, but also had a strong connection to the way Enneagram Nine and Enneagram Six were described. Fours were noted as being “creative, sensitive and moody” while Nines are “pleasant, laid back and accommodating” and Sixes are “committed, practical and witty.”

After reading through the entire book, I was still on the fence. I was able to take Enneagram Six off the table, but I felt truly emotional reading about the characteristics, flaws, and motivations about both Nines and Fours. After rereading the chapters and truly digging into the strengths and weaknesses of each type, I think I can safely say that I am an Enneagram Nine. Here’s why:

I am a peacemaker to a fault.

Nines fears that expressing their preferences or asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea.

A pattern of behavior I’ve started noticing in my life is my tendency to let other people make the decisions and to keep my opinion to myself the majority of the time. It’s something I do because I don’t want to rock the boat; I don’t want anybody to have any reason not to be friends with me. I always want to keep the peace and for some reason, I have this internal belief that the way to do that is to always follow the crowd and avoid conflict at all cost. It’s good in the sense that I am easy to get along with, but bad in the sense that my needs sometimes aren’t getting met in my relationships.

I’m passive in my romantic relationships.

Nines drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner, whom they idealize and from whom they hope to glean a sense of identity and purpose. But after a while they don’t know where they end and the other person begins.

This passivity I have in my romantic relationships is something I’ve discussed extensively with my therapist. I want to be a strong, independent woman who stands up for what she wants and asks for what she needs, but when push comes to shove, I always fall over. I let him decide what restaurant we’re going to have dinner at, even if it means a 30-minute drive for me and a 5-minute one for him. I let him take control over how quickly the physical part of our relationship accelerates, even when I’m not completely comfortable with it. I take on his opinions, not wanting to assert my differing ones because what if he won’t like me when I do that? I’m not proud of this and it’s part of the reason I took a long break from dating. I needed to figure this out, so I can have healthier romantic relationships. So, it’s really not surprising this turned up in my Enneagram type. Not surprising at all. I’m just glad I’ve identified this, and now I can move forward in learning to be more assertive in my dating life, even when it’s wholly uncomfortable.

Making decisions can be paralyzing for me.

Because there are so many angles from which to examine an issue, so many factors to take into consideration, and so many pros and cons to fret over, Nines often never get around to deciding. They sit on the fence and agonize over what to do while waiting for someone else to make the decision or for the situation to naturally work itself out on its own.

Oh, do I ever struggle with making a decision, especially when the decision involves other people. For example, I agonized over where to go for my birthday dinner because I wanted to choose a place that everyone would enjoy and nobody would have to drive far to get to. When I make dinner plans with friends, I barely ever make a decision on where to go, instead following their lead. It can take me forever to finally push “order” on an item, even when I know it’s something I need. Making decisions is just not my forte, which means I’m probably not suited for a management role and that’s something I’m A-OK with.

I don’t often believe my opinion is important.

Nines will sometimes abandon their own opinion or defer to someone else’s, either because they’re uncertain or simply because they want to blend in and get along with them.

I am conflict avoidant to the extreme, and it’s never more obvious than the times I have to give my opinion. Since I’m very attuned to people’s thoughts and feelings, I can often give them the opinion they want to hear, not always the one I think is right. I want to be opinionated and stand up for what I believe in, but when I come faced with the choice to do so, I will always defer to the other person. For a long time, I believe I was a conservative, pro-life Republican because that’s the way I was raised and I didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to keep the status quo until enough was enough. It’s then I realized what I believe in and what’s important to me when it comes to politics, and it was not being a conservative, pro-life Republican. And this is the one area of my life that I have begun to be more vocal and assert my opinion, and it honestly feels so good to do so.

I’m an easy person to get along with.

Loyal and kind, they will go above and beyond the call of duty to support you. They’re fun, flexible and don’t complain too much. They love life’s simple pleasures.

I don’t ask for much from other people. Now that can be good and bad because it means sometimes my needs aren’t getting met, but for the most part, it’s a good quality. It means I’m just happy being with people, full stop. I don’t expect the world from them and I want to support them in any way I can. And I’m fiercely loyal to those I call my own. If you’re in my circle of trust, I will defend you to my death.

I am a natural mediator.

Supportive, nonjudgmental and inclusive, they build bridges and bring people together in a spirit of cooperation.

As a Nine, my goal in life is peace. I want inner peace, outer peace, world peace, all the peace. I want peace in my relationships, in my work environment, in my home. And I will work hard to make sure that happens. I am inclusive and cooperative and supportive to every kind of viewpoint. I can see both sides of every issue and I want to bring people together.

I am my best self in a low-stress work environment.

Creatures of habit, Nines appreciate structure, predictability and routine in the workplace. Nines don’t like to bring work home, and they definitely don’t like interruptions on weekends or vacation.

My current job is perfect for me. I am given free rein to work at my own pace and prioritize my own tasks. I do not have a boss breathing over my shoulder. I am also not required to work overtime or work on the weekends, even when I’m behind. I have a set monthly schedule and life at work is predictable for me. And I love that. It’s not that every day is the same, but that I have a predictability to my workflow that is determined by me and that’s exactly what I need to feel confident and happy at work.

When stressed, I become more anxious and self-doubtful. In security, I am goal-oriented and confident.

In the book, the author makes a point to talk about how each type reacts in times of high stress and times when we’re feeling safe and secure. This is the area where I could really type myself as a Nine over a Four. When I’m stressed, making decisions is harder than ever and my anxiety is through the roof. And, even worse, my temper has a short fuse and I can react emotionally to even the slightest barb. When I’m feeling secure, though, there’s no better feeling. I can make decisions with confidence and genuinely understand my place in this world and why I matter.

My “wing” is One.

Nines with a One wing have a strong sense of the difference between right and wrong … The 9w1s are more critical, orderly, introverted and passive-aggressive than other Nines.

One of the things I love about the Enneagram is the fact that it takes into consideration that we’re human and fluid and ever-changing. Our motivations never change, but the way we react to external stimuli can. This is why each type has two wings, and you fall in one wing or the other. For me, I’m a Nine with a One wing.

***

So, what does all of this knowledge mean for me now? Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I do know it will prompt me to acknowledge when I’m acting more in line with the “negative” parts of my type: not being decisive, passivity in relationships, feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter, etc. In doing so, I am hopeful to work towards being more of a healthy Nine, someone who is a peacemaker but not a pushover, who is inclusive to all points of view without forgetting her own, who can make decisions in a confident manner.

It’s up to me to take this knowledge and let it guide my life in a healthy manner. I think I’m up for the challenge.

Do you know your Enneagram type? If so, let me know what it is!

Thirty-One

Today, I’m thirty-one years old.

Growing up, it was impossible to picture myself in my thirties. Would I ever be that old? I didn’t think so. Then again, it’s hard for me to picture myself in my forties or fifties right now. It just seems so unfathomable that this body, this soul I’ve been walking around in for more than three decades, will get there. It’s happening less and less often, but I can’t lie: sometimes there are days I still feel like I’m a teenager.

Oh, I’m the adult who has to make a call to the cable company about a bill dispute?

Oh, it’s up to me to keep track of all of my doctor’s appointments?

It’s weird to be the adult. To be the one who is trusted to make the decisions. To be the one who feels comfortable making the decisions. Because I am. I’m comfortable making decisions and calling companies and scheduling appointments. It’s not weird anymore. It hasn’t been weird for awhile.

Thirty was not a good year for me. In fact, I’d venture to say that it was the worst year of my life. It was a year filled with loss, depression, uncomfortable changes at work, and loneliness.

I should have known it wasn’t going to be a banner year for me, as I kicked it off by breaking my ankle while helping a friend move. A few months later, my beloved dog Dutch died. He was my constant companion for nearly a decade, and I still don’t know how I’m moving forward in life without him. During the second half of 30, I battled intense anxiety that had me requesting a change to my anti-anxiety meds, and then a bout of depression knocked me down for a number of months. It was also during this time that an influx of my coworkers – the ones who were my dear friends and who had gotten me through every bad day over the past 4-5 years – left the company. I’m left with just one remaining friend, and while I like the majority of my coworkers, they are just that… my coworkers. They aren’t also my friends, my work wives, my soulmates. With my friends moving onto new jobs, I’ve spent the past few months wondering what’s next for me. Am I happy here, am I challenged, is this where I’m supposed to be? I don’t really have the answers to any of those questions.

And then, my Pops unexpectedly passed away. I didn’t expect to lose him this year, not at all. I expected to have decades left with him. He was only 77! His last health screening had come back negative for any health problems! How could he be gone? Losing him was unexpected – and traumatic – and the grief is overwhelming. My heart feels like it lives in the pit of my stomach at all times; my shoulders feel burdened by the weight of losing him.

So, yes. Thirty was not kind for me, and I really hope it’s a not a precursor for what is to come in my thirties.

This year wasn’t all bad, of course. My friends threw me a fun, low-key birthday party where they surprised me with the most thoughtful gifts (including a “30 Reasons We Love Stephany” print that I look at constantly). I went on a week-long cruise with my mom where I rode horses through a jungle in Belize, zip-lined in Honduras, and sipped fruity cocktails poolside in Cozumel. I spent a weekend on Anna Maria Island with my girlfriends. I watched one of my best friends get married. I was thrilled when my mom adopted the sweetest dachshund puppy that she named Chip (after her favorite food: chocolate chip cookies) who has sewn my heart back together. And I celebrated two years of solo living.

It hasn’t been a good year, but there were moments of goodness sprinkled throughout.

For the past few years, as I turn a new age and take stock of my life, I have always seemed to find myself lacking. No partner, no weight loss, no novel, no big change. I’m never where I think I should be at this time. Many people my age are married or in serious relationships. They have children – multiple! – and fully settled into parenthood. They have impressive career titles or are homeowners or go on dazzling vacations every year.

It’s so easy to find yourself lacking when you look at what other people are doing.

It’s so easy to not find anything impressive about your life when you’re just looking at others.

But when I take stock at my life today, I am so goddamn happy with it. I don’t have all the things I thought I wanted, but maybe I don’t actually want them. Or maybe just not right now. There’s always this “grass is greener” mentality for the things we see in others that we find lacking in ourselves, but just because other friends are married doesn’t mean I need to be. Just because they take solo European vacations doesn’t mean I should. Just because they bought a home doesn’t mean it’s the right move for me.

When I keep my eyes on my own paper, when I look at where I came from and where I am today, I can’t feel anything but immense pride for the woman I am today. I am genuinely happy with my life. I am obsessed with my friends and even more so with my family. I am still best friends with my mom, and just a phone call from her lights up my world. I feel empowered by my job, and still really like what I do, even after five years (and even after all my friends have left, wah). I’m financially stable and have my very own adorable apartment that is my refuge. I didn’t go on a single date in these past 11 months, and I feel good about that. I feel happy and secure in my singleness for the first time in a long time. I’m leading the life I want to lead, and there’s nothing more powerful than that.

I am oh-so-ready to say goodbye to 30 because it was a tremendously difficult year for me. I am expecting big things from 31. I want to lose weight. I want to finally finish that damn novel. I want to grow my savings and learn more about investing. I want to shop less, watch more movies, and spend more time by the pool. I want to adopt kittens and be the cat-mom I always knew I could be. I want to take a solo vacation, visit the Grand Canyon, and finally see Washington D.C. Mostly, though, I just want to enjoy this one beautiful life I have. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s my life. And I want to enjoy it as much as I possibly can.

Why I Don’t Want to Work for Myself

I’ve been a blogger for about ten years now, which means I’ve been following people online for a really long time. It also means I’ve watched person after person quit their full-time job to work for themselves. It’s always touted as the “ideal” scenario because why would anyone want to work for a boss, have their schedule dictated by someone else, do work other people tell them to do? Isn’t being able to quit your job to work for yourself the ultimate freedom, the ultimate goal?

For me, the answer is an emphatic no.

I had what is called a quarter-life crisis in my mid-twenties, when I was working at an unfulfilling job and feeling completely lost and confused about what I wanted from my career. I had never been particularly career-minded, never one to dream about rising through the ranks at a corporation or getting that corner office. I never had aspirations for management. I just wanted to do work that felt fulfilling, something where my skills could shine.

And yet, as a painfully shy, socially anxious person, I was terrified of every little thing when it came to work. I was scared of messing up, of taking initiative, of speaking up in meetings. I didn’t really know what my skills even were, much less what position they would shine in.

That was around the time when it felt like everyone was starting online businesses. There were podcasts devoted solely to “solopreneurship” and “building a brand.” It seemed like the only way to enjoy your life was to have your own online business. There were life coaches and web designers and bloggers. They were shouting from the rooftops how freeing it is to own your own business, to not “work for the man,” to have your own schedule.

And it started to feel a little condescending.

Because, truly, what is so wrong about working for someone else? Why can you only love your life when you’re working for yourself?

I called bullshit on that real quick.

I knew the answer to finding fulfillment in my life wasn’t by quitting my job and starting my own business. It was by finding things that made me happy outside of work (exercise, reading, joining a book club, travel) and getting real serious about finding a new job. I still wasn’t sure what skills I had or what kind of job I wanted. All I knew was that my degree was in communications, I had some marketing experience, and I loved to write.

And that’s when it happened.

I found it. The job that fulfills me. The job that doesn’t give me Sunday Scaries. The job that doesn’t define who I am by any means, but just makes me feel good.

This week, I’m celebrating five years at this company and I really cannot believe it’s been half a decade. When I started at this position, I was so scared. It took me two-and-a-half days to even approach the break room! It took me a week to talk to a coworker who wasn’t my boss. It took me over a year to find a friend. But from the minute I started, I knew I was at the right place. Five years later, I still feel that way. I still love what I do.

I still love to “work for the man.”

However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it would mean to work for myself. I have. I’ve thought about being a full-time freelance writer, working on projects I sought out myself. I know it would take awhile to get there. I’d have to spend months, or maybe even years, writing in the nooks and crannies of my life. Early mornings, lunch breaks, evenings, weekends. I’d have to hustle hard and throw my entire self into the work.

Man, does that sound exhausting.

Perhaps fulfilling in some way. And, I can’t lie, the extra money would be rull nice. But mostly exhausting.

There’d be no time for myself. No time for reading. No time for exercise. No time for friends. No time for naps. (I’d really miss napping.)

It’s not worth it for me. That side hustle life is not for me.

Right now, I have one single freelance client. She sends me work when she needs it. Sometimes, that means I’m spending every weekend writing. Sometimes, that means I go months without hearing a peep from her. It’s the ideal scenario.

And there are major benefits to being employed by a company. Health insurance, for one. Taxes, for another. Knowing that my job is steady and I will get a paycheck for the same amount of money every other week. Meeting new people, having a reason to take a shower and get dressed every day. Not having to worry about work coming in – I just take what’s given to me and do it with a smile. I’m challenged in ways that fulfill me, not in ways that stress me out.

So, I take your “working for yourself is so freeing” and raise you a “so is working for someone else.” I don’t think working for yourself is any more freeing than working at a job that fulfills you. I think they both offer their own levels of freedom and autonomy. It’s all about how you choose to view it.

Some Thoughts on Anxiety, Medication, and Shame

It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”

I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in a I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.

And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”

Light bulb. 

It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”

So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.

That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.

Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.

And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.

I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.

I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression, and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.

So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?

Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.

Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.

The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.

And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.

What I Spent in Q2 of 2018

Happy Friday! Typically, I save Fridays for writing fun and light-hearted posts, but this time around, you’re getting a lengthy discussion about my spending summary for Q2. I did this in Q1 and it was interesting to look back at that post, and see what areas I’ve improved and what areas I haven’t.

I’ve broken these down by categories, from where I spent the most money to where I spent the least, and it comprises April, May, and June during which I took a seven-day cruise and had a bunch of stupid car repair stuff. I’m sharing real numbers here, which is something I can do because my budget only concerns me and me alone. As a note, I don’t use any sort of budgeting software. I use a spreadsheet I created on Google Docs because I like doing it old school. 🙂

Okay! Let’s get down to business:

Entertainment – $757

I spent way more money this quarter with my entertainment budget – $172 more to be exact. It amounts to spending about $63 a week on entertainment, which can range from pizza delivery to movie tickets to dinners with friends. Ideally, I’d love to bring this area of my budget under $450 per quarter and that’s going to take a lot of work to make happen. We’ll see if I can accomplish it in Q3!

Beauty – $546

This category comprises hair appointments, waxes, pedicures, and massages. It was a pretty pricey quarter for beauty, as I spent $200 more than I did in Q1. I had two hair appointments, a handful of pedicures, two eyebrow waxes, and one underarm wax. No massages this quarter, and I’m hoping to rectify that in Q3 because my muscles are definitely craving a massage. I really take this area of my budget seriously – I go to a pricier salon for my hair appointments and waxes, but it’s worth it for me. I also probably don’t need a monthly pedicure, but it’s less than $30 and makes me feel good to have pretty toes!

However, I would like to slash this area of my budget if I can and one way I’m going to do that is by coloring my hair at home. Typically, I get my hair colored every eight weeks and every other time I get my hair colored, I get it cut. I’d like to cut out that appointment where I’m only getting it colored, which would mean I’m only at the salon three times a year, instead of six. It would save me a lot of money!

Travel – $437

Even though Q2 is when I took my cruise, I spent a lot less this month because everything was already paid for! But I did end up spending quite a lot on the cruise, between drinks, souvenirs, bingo games, and parking fees at the port. It was all worth it, though!

Health – $219

This category comprises my gym membership, Weight Watchers membership, and all of the medicine I purchased during Q2 due to all of the sickness I dealt with. And yeah, you read that right: Weight Watchers membership. I joined back in late March when they had a great deal on a six-month membership. It’s around $38 a month and I can’t say I’m using my membership to its fullest extent – eeks. I’d like to write a post about my complicated feelings about being a Weight Watchers member because I have a lot of weird feelings about it.

But anyway, I’m hoping this category will reduce a lot in Q3 because I’m about 95% sure I’m going to cancel my gym membership soon. It’ll save me $35 a month!

Toiletries – $174

Toiletries includes personal care products like shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, body wash, etc., as well as household items, such as dish soap, garbage bags, paper towels, etc. I stop by Target twice a month for toiletries and would like to keep my spending under $50 a month, and I’m really close to doing so! I’ll always spend a little more on toiletries than some people because I buy a lot of body wash every month (I use them for my bubble baths at night and buy 4-5 bottles a month), and buy the pricier shampoo and conditioner.

Last time I did this spending summary, I included makeup with my toiletries total and this time I separated them out. I’m interested to see if I spend less in Q3 on toiletries now that I have a starting point.

Starbucks – $150

This is a pretty normal total for me, as I add $25 to my Starbucks card every two weeks (when I get paid). I go to Starbucks once a week to work on my novel and typically get a pricey coffee and breakfast sandwich when I do. I’m okay with this number!

Gifts – $122

This is double what I spent in Q1, but what can you do? Gift giving is a priority for me. I bought birthday gifts for a couple of friends and a housewarming gift. Always happy to shower my friends with a little something for their birthdays and special events!

Clothing – $109

I covered some of this in my yearly goals post on Wednesday, but Q2 was a bit spendier than I wanted it to be in terms of clothing. I bought a polo shirt, two pairs of sandals. I also had to buy a “costume” for a friend’s 90s-themed birthday party. I was able to return most of what I bought, but a few of the items were from Amazon and man do they make it inconvenient to return things, ha. I could have gotten $25 back, but I just didn’t feel like wasting the energy to buy an envelope and ship it back. Ah, well.

Books – $65

Woohoo, I slashed this in half from Q1! I have tried to put a bit of a kibosh on my book buying, so most of the money spent on books in Q2 came from my Book of the Month subscription, which is $15 a month. I also added an extra book for $10 one month and couldn’t help myself to a new Christina Lauren book when I was at Target last month. Oops.

Makeup – $65

It’s real interesting to see how much I spend in makeup over a quarter! And, honestly, I can’t remember if this includes my $10 a month Sephora PLAY! box. (I recently added a “subscriptions” tab to my spending spreadsheet, but I think I included the beauty box to my makeup category.) If it does, then that’s not too shabby – $35 for makeup over three months. I don’t buy a ton of makeup, though. I have to replace my foundation and powder every other month, and my mascara and eyebrow pencil once a quarter. Thanks to my beauty box, I have tons of lipstick samples and eye shadow samples so I never have to buy those now.

Okay! So there we go. That’s my spending summary for Q2. Some wins, some losses. And I was able to kick the Amazon category off this list because I deleted my Prime membership finally. Woo! I’d really like to focus on that entertainment budget in Q3, and somehow keeping it under $500. I feel like it’s just something I have to be super conscious about, and knowing that I don’t have to say “yes” to every social outing my friends invite me to. It’s okay to experience a little bit of FOMO if it means I’m aligned with my goals.

I didn’t include my debts in my previous spending summary, but it’s going to have a place going forward. I’m nervous to talk about it, but deep breaths!

Debts

  • Student loans: $13,039
  • Credit card: $1,615

Okay, I’m writing these numbers here for accountability and I know it means I’m opening myself to receiving messages about my irresponsibility with my money. Please don’t do that. Be a kind person, okay, and realize that we’re all just trying our best and sometimes, it means we incur credit card debt. I don’t like that I have credit card debt and I beat myself up enough about it. No need to tell me that it’s irresponsible!

With that said, Q2 was not a good quarter for my debts. It was especially not a good quarter for my credit card because I had it nearly paid off. And then the cruise happened. And then a bunch of car troubles happened. Things just happened.

I know I need to get out of the cycle of using my credit card whenever something happens, and I know I can quickly pay off this debt during Q3, as I won’t have a car payment anymore and can funnel an extra $230 to my credit card. (And, you know, stop using the card!)

I’m paying the minimum balance on my student loans right now, but once I have my credit card paid off and then an emergency fund set up, I’m going to start funneling an extra payment to those loans. Maybe I’ll have them paid off by the time I’m 40? 🙂 Hopefully sooner, but I’m also not super stressed about those loans. They are “good” debt as far as I’m concerned.

My Junk Financial Beliefs

A few months ago, The Financial Diet published a post titled, Why You Need to Clean Out Your Junk Financial Beliefs (& How to Start), which really got the wheels churning in my head. TFD is a hit-or-miss publication for me because I find that a lot of the writers are immensely privileged and it’s hard to relate to a lot of their articles. But this one… this one really hit home for me and had me combing through my own belief systems, the way I was raised, and how it all affects the way I view my finances today.

As many of you know, I grew up poor and this was mostly due to the fact that my dad had a rather significant gambling problem. Without it, we could have lived a fairly comfortable middle-class existence, but as it was, we struggled to make ends meet on my mom’s preschool teacher salary. My dad’s paycheck (and sometimes, some of my mom’s…) was used to fund his gambling addiction. So, I grew up on free school lunches, eviction notices, and that survivor mindset. In my family, wealth was not something to strive for. Making it to the next paycheck without the lights getting turned off was. Things like 401ks, savings, and investments were not in the conversation. The biggest vacation we took as a family was when we went to Ohio. My dad drove the 1,200 miles from Clearwater to Toledo, and we stayed with relatives.

So all this to say… I have a lot of junk financial beliefs. I have had to work through a lot of shit, and I’m still working through it because it’s only been in recent years that I’ve been able to feel like I’m finally getting a good handle on my money. But I still fall prey to my junk financial beliefs, so let’s talk about them, shall we?

Deep breaths. I’m about to get real personal about these.

Junk Financial Belief #1: Working a second job is beneath me.

I’m not talking about having a side hustle, like freelance writing. I’m talking about getting a second job, usually in the retail space. Whether that’s working at the local Starbucks or the mall, I cannot bring myself to “lower myself” to get a second job, even though I know I could pay down my student loans so much faster if I did that, not to mention I could have a bit of breathing room in my budget. But there’s something about doing that that feels like defeat. I’m a college graduate! I have a full-time job! I shouldn’t have to also work a second job. (Yeah, I have a bit of that millenial entitlement going for me, I guess.)

If I did get a second job, it would solely be to pay off my student loans faster and build up my savings. Which means I would only have to work said job for a handful of years. It wouldn’t be forever, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It would significantly eliminate my free time, and I’m not willing to give that up. I also think it would affect my mental health because part of my self-care routine involves lots of sleep and alone time. That’s partially why I haven’t tried harder to find more freelancing opportunities; it takes a lot of my mental energy – mental energy that’s already at a more limited capacity than most people.

Junk Financial Belief #2: I will always struggle with money.

I have a scarcity mindset when it comes to my finances. I never feel like I’ll ever have enough money, even though I actually do. I’m able to pay my bills, put food on the table, go on vacation. But I don’t save as much as I would like, I have credit card debt, and I always feel as if I’m working at a deficit when it comes to my budget. And it all feels very natural to me to have this unhealthy relationship to my finances. That’s the way I was raised, always fearing that one bill that could turn our world upside down, and that’s the way I live today, even though I don’t need to.

This belief about struggling with money has deep roots in my past, but also my present because most of my family also struggles with money to this day. And there’s this part of me that feels selfish when I think about not struggling – do I really deserve that feeling of peace and fulfillment when it comes to money? Have I earned it?

It’s a lot to think about. I know I deserve that peace. I know my family members also deserve that peace. And I know it ultimately comes down to getting honest about my budget, eliminating the things that are holding me back from ultimate financial freedom, and allowing myself to claim a sense of ownership over my own money situation.

Junk Financial Belief #3: Extra money is supposed to be spent, not saved.

Growing up, having extra money was like finding a unicorn on the side of the road. As in, we almost never had it. I still don’t know how my parents afforded Christmas gifts, but I suspect it was a very stressful time for my mom. Savings wasn’t part of my lexicon growing up, and it’s only been in recent years that I’ve realized that having a well-funded savings account is something I need. It’s not something that would be nice-to-have, but it’s something that would allow me to stop depending on my credit card when emergencies arise (like, say, if my tire blows out one morning on the highway).

I’m getting better at this, but I can’t lie. Sometimes when I log on to my banking account and see that I have more money sitting in my checking account than I thought… it’s hard not to immediately place an order on Thriftbooks or start perusing the Old Navy website. It’s a mindset shift, but I know that the pleasure of seeing four figures in my savings account will far outweigh the pleasure of getting that shipment notification in my email inbox.

Junk Financial Belief #4: It’s normal to use credit cards to buy the things you want.

Oy vey. This has been a belief that I’ve been working on dismantling for years now. It’s the whole “buy now, pay later” mindset, and it’s a very popular one. I know I’m not the only one who has fallen into this trap. It started when I was given my first credit card at the tender age of 18. It had a $500 limit and I used it responsibly. I paid it off every month, using it to buy new items for my dorm room. Then, during my sophomore year of college, I stood in front of an Old Navy store, thinking about how I just really wanted some new clothes for summer, but I didn’t have the money to do so. I was talked into applying for an Old Navy credit card, and my jaw about hit the floor when I was approved and told my limit was $2,500. Within a year, that card was maxed out and I had no way to pay even the minimum payment. Eventually, I worked out a payment plan and paid off that card. But I never lost the shame attached to maxing out a credit card during the first year of my twenties, effectively ruining my credit. I had always told myself I was going to be better about my finances than my parents were, and here I was, my first time out as an adult, and I fucked it up royally.

That card is when I got into this mindset of buying now, paying later. And while I have worked hard to dispel myself of this… I have to constantly fight against myself. For example, just a few weeks ago, I spent an entire evening on ThredUp, throwing shirt after shirt into my cart and telling myself I “needed” these shirts because the dress code at work had recently changed. I didn’t have the money in my checking account, so I told myself I would put it on my credit card and “next paycheck, I’ll really get serious about my budget.” (<— anyone else do this? Sigh.) Thankfully, I came to my senses before I spent any money. I had to remind myself that if I don’t have money in my checking out, I don’t have money. It’s a mantra I have to constantly repeat to myself because it’s so easy to get caught up in buying things and putting it on credit. Part of it has to do with growing up poor and spending the first half of my twenties poor. I couldn’t buy things, ever, so now that I have the ability to, it’s so much harder to resist my impulses. But I’m trying and it starts by dispelling this financial belief that I can buy whatever I want using my credit card.

Honestly, I could probably write another 1,500 words on other junk financial beliefs I have, but I think this post has gotten too long already (maybe I’ll write a Part II in the future). These are some of my bigger ones, and it’s not easy to come clean about all of this. But it’s important. It’s important to talk about money and open up about the way our past has defined our present. It doesn’t mean I still abide by these beliefs or that I’ve thrown in the towel. No – I am actively working on dismantling them, so that I can have that elusive financial freedom sometime in the future. That’s all I can ask of myself.

Your turn! Tell me one junk financial belief of your own.

I’m An Introverted HSP Who Loves Taking Cruises

I’m not really the person you’d expect to be passionate about cruising. I’m an introvert. I’m shy. I’m reserved. I like low-key activities like reading. I’m a highly sensitive person, which means loud noises and lots of people overwhelms me.

And yet… there is no better way to vacation than a cruise, in my very humble opinion. There is nothing that makes me happier or more excited or more fulfilled than being on a cruise ship.

But I’ll also be honest: it’s not easy to cruise when you have high sensitivity. These ships and the activities on board aren’t made for people like me. They’re made for those who enjoy a loud party atmosphere and meeting new people and being outside.

But the truth is, you can be a Highly Sensitive Person and take a cruise without feeling overwhelmed at all times. It takes a little work and a lot of patience, but you can make it work. Here’s how I do it:

1) Your cabin is your safe space.

I spend a lot of time in my cabin when I’m on a cruise. I know some people don’t pay much attention to their cabin because “you’re only there to sleep!” but that is not true for us introverted HSPs who crave sanctuary and alone time. I really pay attention to the cabin, and this time around, my mom and I opted to spend a little extra to have a balcony and it was well worth the money. It was nice to be able to step outside and enjoy the fresh air and views without contending with people.

As an HSP, it’s hard for me to nap anywhere but my room. (My mom has no problem falling asleep around a busy deck, but it’s not possible for me.) I like to spend the late afternoon hours napping in my cabin. Plus, hello, a bed is way more comfortable than a deck chair when it comes to napping. I enjoy being out and about and exploring the ship, but I also like to spend a good amount of time in my quiet cabin. It becomes my safe space where I can get away from all the busyness on the ship.

2) Opt for Your Time Dining.

Our first few cruises, my mom and I always did the seated dining option, where we were forced to be in the dining room at a specific time and always put at a huge table with strangers. Usually, there were 6-10 strangers that we would have to make small talk with for the entire dinner, and that just wasn’t fun for me. I started to realize that I got super grumpy right before dinnertime – solely because I knew it would take a lot out of me. I just wanted to enjoy my dinner, not have to talk to other people!

And then my mom and I got smart and decided to do Your Time dining. With this option, you can show up in the dining room at whatever time you want between 5:45PM-9:30PM and you can get seated at your own table. It gave us the freedom to choose when we wanted to eat and also allowed us to just enjoy dinner with the two of us. Since we’re both introverts and fairly shy, it suits our personalities the best.

3) Yes, the lido deck is very overwhelming. 

Here’s the truth: I hate the lido deck. Just walking through it on my way to something else makes me grumpy and overwhelmed. There is always so much going on between all of the people and the loud music, and it’s just not my scene. It means I don’t participate in the deck parties or even stick around to watch some of the events, like the hairy chest competition. Nope. Not for me. It gets too loud and chaotic.

The lido deck is where it’s at when it comes to cruising, but I had to recognize that my nervous system is too sensitive to handle being there when it’s the most crowded. Thankfully, I cruise with my mom and she’s also not keen on the lido deck. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to cruise with a partner or a group of friends who would want to spend the majority of their time on the lido deck. (It probably wouldn’t be a very satisfying cruise for me!)

And sure, I feel like a debbie downer sometimes because how much I hate the lido deck, but I’ve come to realize that my needs are way more important than trying to enjoy something that I don’t like for the sake of appearances. I know that the lido deck is too much for me, which is why I love places like the Serenity Deck that allows me to enjoy being out on the decks, but in a quieter space.

4) Choose your excursions wisely.

For me, 1-2 active excursions is my limit, but I really try to go all out on those excursions, trying new things and doing activities that I wouldn’t do in my normal, day-to-day life. On this last cruise, which was seven days and included four back-to-back stops, we did two active excursions (horseback riding and zip-lining). The other days in port were spent at an all-inclusive resort (and we were both ready to go after 4-5 hours) and just walking around.

It can be very tempting to schedule fun, exciting excursions in every port, but HSPs have to be mindful of their nervous systems. Trying new things can be overstimulating for us and being on the go with little downtime can be exhausting. I really recommend taking a good look at all the different excursions offered in each port and finding the ones that excite you the most. The rest of the time, just keep it low-key. You may not even get off the ship in one of the ports, and that’s totally fine, too!

5) Don’t be afraid to be boring.

One of the things I often tell people who are interested in cruising is that there’s really something for everyone. It’s a great vacation for extroverts who want to meet new people and stay busy, and it’s a great vacation for introverted HSPs like me who just want a low-key, relaxing time. And this is why I want to tell my fellow HSPs that it’s totally okay to be boring.

Don’t feel like checking out the nightly entertainment? You do you – play a game in the library or go back to your cabin to read.

Overwhelmed by the busyness of the lido deck? Take a seat on one of the inside benches, where you can enjoy the view of the water without the pumping music to distract you.

Too tired to deal with the thought of getting ready for dinner? Order yourself some room service and delight in being purely lazy and purely you.

You get to choose how this vacation works for you. For me, I’m not very interested in the lido deck activities or many of the onboard shows, but I love playing bingo, watching the Love & Marriage show, and seeing the PG comedy. Those are usually the only activities I make it to. Everything else… not for me. You can find me playing cards with my mom in our cabin by 9pm.

All the Jobs I’ve Had

A few weeks ago, Kate wrote this super interesting blog post detailing some of the jobs she’s had in her life. I loved it so much that I decided to steal her idea. This blog post is long, but hopefully it’s an interesting look at all of the different jobs I’ve had over the course of my life. Enjoy!

Baby-Sitter

The summer after fifth grade, my grandma decided to hire me as a baby-sitter for my twin cousins who were four and her next door neighbor’s granddaughter, who was a few years younger than me. It wasn’t baby-sitting in the real sense of the word because my grandma was always there, but she just wanted me to hang out with them and keep them out of trouble and she’d pay me. Fine by me!

Unfortunately, this arrangement didn’t last very long because, well, I kinda just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to hang out with three kids with tons of energy every day during the summer. I wanted to read! And write silly stories! So I just stopped hanging out with them and thus, the baby-sitting money dried up.

Daycare Cleaner

When I was twelve, my brother and I helped out at the daycare where my mom worked, cleaning toys and chairs. I suspect it was my mom’s way of keeping us from spending the entire summer inside, but we got paid and it was a fun little gig! I can’t remember how long we did it, but it definitely wasn’t very long. We started washing all of the toys in the center and then moved on to washing all of the chairs with bleach. An odd little job, for sure, but I remember having the time of my life working side-by-side with my brother.

Associate at Panera Bread

I was in 10th grade when I applied for a job at Panera Bread, and I was thrilled to be hired! My brother had started working at 15 and I was feeling a little self-conscious about not having a high school job. I attended a training in Tampa and I came home bursting with all sorts of facts about Panera that I’m sure my mom was oh-so-interested to hear.

And then I started working. And it did not live up to my expectations. For one thing, I was only scheduled to work on Saturday and Sunday evenings for a couple of hours. For another, I was basically a glorified dishwasher. I simply spent my time at work cleaning off tables, washing the dishes, and making sure the coffee was always fresh. I also had to sweep and mop the entire dining room on those nights, which was not an enjoyable job in the least. Every now and then, they’d schedule me to work at the register, but I was really not good at it because I couldn’t understand their menu system. This all sounds very whiny, I know, but I was sixteen and it was essentially my first job. I am allowed to be a little whiny, ya know?

Anyway, this job didn’t last very long. Maybe only a few months, until they told me that they no longer needed me anymore. I can’t say I was upset. Nope – I was super relieved and walked out of there with a spring in my step.

Associate at Aeropostale

I worked at this short-lived job the summer after 10th grade. How short lived? One freaking day. This was such a weird situation because the store went through all this trouble to hire and train summer workers (there were around five of us in the training), but then decided they didn’t need any of us. I felt completely out of place at this job, though, so I wasn’t too mad about it.

Concessions Associate at a Movie Theater

I worked at my local movie theater the summer before I went off to college, and I loved it. I worked with a great group of young people (high schoolers and college kids) and we always had a blast, especially on Friday and Saturday nights when the movie theater was packed.

For the majority of my time at the movie theater, I worked in the concessions, which involved a lot of scooping popcorn, pouring drinks, and dealing with customers who were trying their best to earn that free movie ticket if I didn’t ask them if they wanted to try a combo. (True story.) Every now and then, I’d get to work in the box office, which was honestly my favorite because if I worked there on a slow weekday afternoon, it meant I could kick back and read a book – and get paid for it. Sounds like the perfect deal to me!

I stopped working at this job right before I left home to attend college. I thought about transferring to the movie theater near my college, but since I didn’t have a car, transportation would have been tricky. Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted!

Book Hustler at the Campus Bookstore

During my freshman year of college, I spent a few months working in the campus bookstore, in the textbooks. This was a time in my life where I was depressed and I needed something to do that wasn’t going to class or being alone in my dorm room, so I got a job working at the bookstore during their busy season (the end of fall semester/the beginning of spring semester). My first job was working in the buyback program, scanning the textbooks that students brought in and telling them how little they were going to get back. (Not the most fun job, that’s for sure.) Then, during the beginning of the spring semester, I helped students find the books they needed for their classes when they came into the bookstore, as well as packaged up books for students who placed online orders.

I really, really enjoyed this job and had a blast during the few weeks I got to work here. It got me out of my dorm room, too, which is exactly what I needed at this time. I wish it could have lasted longer, though. (I was really hoping I would be hired to work in the actual bookstore, but it wasn’t to be.)

Infant Teacher at a Daycare

The summer after my freshman year of college, I strolled into a daycare center, intent on applying to become an aftercare teacher for elementary-aged kids. At this point in my life, I was studying to become an elementary school teacher and a lot of my peers in my classes worked in these types of aftercare programs. Unfortunately, this daycare center did not have such a program, but they did have an opening for an infant teacher. I decided to apply because hey, I needed a job. I was hired.

I spent this summer working full-time with infants and it was the best birth control I could have possibly asked for. Ha. But I loved those babies so much, and still remember each of their birthdays. As an infant teacher, my days involved changing diapers, feeding them, playing with them, taking them in short strolls around the yard, and rocking them to sleep. It wasn’t a bad job, but it was also pretty boring, and I didn’t always love the teachers they placed in my room.

Once the summer was up, I needed more flexibility with my school schedule, especially once I started interning at elementary schools for my teaching degree. My boss tried to work with me, but it just became too difficult to accommodate my crazy schedule, so I had to let the job go.

Office Assistant at a Printing Company

My mom was friends with the wife of the owner of this printing company, so she got me the job as glorified office assistant for the summer after my sophomore year of college. My main job was to answer the phones, sign for packages, and do the invoices, all of which took approximately 5% of my workday. Every now and then, they would let me run a printing job, which was always fun. I wish I got to do more of that!

The printing company was tiny, as the only employees were the two owners, an older gentleman who ran the printing presses, and me. For the majority of the time, I was alone in the office. There was a TV right next to my desk, and I was told I could watch whatever I wanted, so I just tuned it so I could watch The Price is Right and sitcoms like Reba and George Lopez. They also didn’t care if I fooled around online, so honestly, I got paid to watch TV and fill out surveys on Xanga. Tough life.

“Floating” Teacher at a Daycare

Another daycare! What am I even thinking? Well, I’m thinking that I have experience in a daycare setting and I like that working in a daycare keeps my weekends free. I started this job at the beginning of 2009, which would technically be my junior year of college, but since I changed degrees, I wouldn’t end up graduating college until 2011. But anyway, I started this job and I was basically deemed a “floater,” which meant I would be placed in whatever room needed a teacher.

So, one week I might be in the infant class, the next week the two-year-old class, and the following week working with the pre-k kids. Daycare centers have a pretty crazy turnover rate with teachers (it’s a tough job!) and each class always has to maintain the proper ratio of children to teachers, so I basically just jumped into a room whenever they needed an extra pair of hands to maintain that ratio. I’d also help out with making breakfast and lunch and distributing it around to the different classrooms, and giving bathroom breaks to the teachers. (Man, once I started a “normal” job and realized I could go the bathroom whenever I wanted… my life changed.)

I worked this job all the way until I graduated college, and near the end of my schooling, I had to drop down to just working a few hours in the morning and I am so grateful that my boss was able to accommodate my schedule.

Marketing Assistant

My first post-grad job was working as a marketing assistant for a direct marketing company, a job I worked at for two years from 2011 to 2013. I was so excited to get hired so quickly out of college that I didn’t even balk at the starting salary (brace yourselves… $25,000 before taxes).

My boss managed the intense marketing campaigns for the different promotions we ran throughout the year, and she was so overwhelmed with work that she needed an assistant to help with the more mundane administrative tasks. So my job involved stuff like filing, creating promo codes for the different ads we ran, and editing ads. Gradually, I was given more and more responsibility as I grew in my position, and truly became more of a marketing data analyst than a marketing assistant. A good chunk of my workload involved data analysis.

I started looking for a new job just a year after being with this company because I wasn’t happy. One of the biggest reasons for my unhappiness was that I never really had enough work to keep me busy, so I was bored a lot. Other reasons for my unhappiness was the fact that my salary wasn’t proportional to the tasks I was doing, and I knew I’d never get the raise I deserved. But I think the biggest reason I started looking for a new job so soon after starting this one was the fact that I didn’t want to do data analysis as a full-time job. It wasn’t a passion of mine.

SEO Content Writer

And now we’ve come to the end (nearly 2,000 words later, eeks!). I started working as an SEO content writer for an Internet marketing agency in 2013 and I have loved it since day one. I spend my days writing, editing, and doing online marketing strategy. It’s everything I could want in a job, honestly. I get a few work-from-home days during the month and my weekends start at 11:30 a.m. on Fridays. I get paid a decent wage and I feel acknowledged and accepted at this company.

When I started working here, my job was simple: write SEO content. But over the past four years, the job has changed dramatically that I can barely remember a time when all I did was write all day. It’s changed because my company has developed different growth opportunities for writers and also because SEO is an ever-evolving field and we’ve had to change our practices to grow with this industry. I honestly feel that no day is ever the same, and even if the writing can sometimes be mundane, there’s something comforting about that. I welcome those mundane days because they balance out the crazy ones.

Whew! So there you have it! All of the jobs I’ve had in my life. It’s crazy to see this evolution and was really fun to put this blog post together.

Tell me some of the interesting jobs you’ve had!

Growing Up with Christian Pop Culture

We all have something embarrassing in our pasts. All. Of. Us. Even though I like to believe that everyone else around me grew up in a charmed household, it’s simply not true. There’s always something from your past that embarrasses you or causes you to feel shame or you try to keep hidden from the rest of the world. It’s just human nature.

For me, it was the fact that I wasn’t allowed to listen to anything but Christian music throughout my childhood.

Listening to Christian music is so ingrained in me that it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve felt comfortable turning on the “secular” radio station when I’m in the car with my mom.

But Christian music is what I grew up on. Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Amy Grant, Carmen, Rachael Lampa, Stacie Orrico, Jaci Velasquez, Plus One, Audio Adrenaline, dc Talk, Newsboys… this is what I listened to. This is all we listened to in my house. (Well, excluding my father who didn’t believe in God and tried to get me to love classic rock as much as he did… but I just wasn’t into it.)

I mean, of course, once my brother and I grew a little older, we sneaked in our secular music. I was partial, as all 90s girls were, to NSYNC and Britney and Christina and Backstreet Boys, but I knew in my heart that was not the kind of music a “good Christian girl” listened to, so I tried to hide it and remember throwing away my Christian Aguilera self-titled album in front of my mom to show her what a good little Christian I was.

And it wasn’t just Christian music that I consumed, but I also tried to stay away from specific movies and TV shows. And most of the books I read from the time I was a teenager until my early twenties were Christian books. In fact, I remember how much I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame when I would pick up a Harlequin romance, scurrying to the back of the library where they kept all of those paperbacks with the purple spines and silly titles and surreptitiously picking out a few romances to read. And then secretly reading them, feeling guilty, and telling myself that I would only read Christian fiction from here on out. Until I found myself, once again, at the back of the library, looking at those naughty-to-me romances.

And so it was this part of my life that always felt vastly different from my peers, especially during middle school and high school. Those are the times in your life when you need to connect with your friends more than ever, and I always felt a little different. Even my church friends (who I was never especially close to anyway) seemed to have a better grasp on pop culture than I did. They could listen to secular music and go to concerts and do all the things the so-called normal kids were doing. Me? I was different. Life for me was different.

For me, Christian music is what I grew up on, Christian music is what I love and what brings me the most peace, and, honestly, Christian music is still my favorite genre. It feels super vulnerable to admit that and to tell the world that I just really want to jam out to Chris Tomlin or Matthew West or Tenth Avenue North when I’m in my car, not Taylor Swift or Demi Lovato or Bruno Mars. It’s not cool, you know? It wasn’t even cool when I was growing up and surrounded by my church friends. And I was obsessed with trying to be cool when I was in my teens, even though I always failed miserably.

Sometime last year, I looked at my main Spotify playlist and realized it was filled with Christian music and I started to feel weird about it. Not because I didn’t love the music, but because I didn’t know if I truly believed in the message behind the words. A few years ago, I would have never questioned the message of my favorite Christian songs, but here I am now, wondering what faith means to me and if it’s authentic to be listening to Christian music. Because even though it brings me great joy and immense peace, do I even deserve that if I’m not sure if I believe in religion anymore?

And then a podcast entered my life. Specifically Good Christian Fun. Honestly, I didn’t know how much I needed this podcast in my life. The premise of this show is that they discuss one piece of Christian pop culture with each episode, whether that be a Christian movie like Fireproof or a Christian artist like Rebecca St. James. Basically, it’s my childhood in a nutshell and it’s so gratifying to relate so well to a podcast. To feel heard. To feel understood. Additionally, every week they bring on a guest to discuss the subject matter with them and before any discussion happens, the guest gives them their “guestimony” (guest + testimony) to talk about their faith background and where they are at with their faith today. It is these segments that have helped me to realize that struggling to come to terms with with the religion I was raised in and what I believe in now is just a part of the growing up process.

But it’s not just the guestimonies that feel so relatable, but also learning about the guest’s relationship to Christian and mainstream pop culture. One time they had a guest one who talked about how jealous she was of her friends who got to listen to secular music and go to concerts. Yes, yes, yes. I’m not the only one. It’s not just me who felt different from my peers. There are people who had the same upbringing as me, with parents (in my case, a parent) that was super strict with the type of media their children consumed and there was no questioning it.

Look, I don’t want to make my mom out to be a bad person because she wasn’t and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything just because I never went to an NSYNC concert. I’m not that much of an entitled brat. It was more of the fact that I couldn’t relate to my friends than it was of rebelling against my mom’s rules. I never really rebelled against them because I liked Christian music and books. I really did! I still enjoy Christian music and read the odd nonfiction Christian book every now and then.

And truthfully, I was so, so lucky to have a mother who cared about me so deeply that she closely monitored what I was consuming. I remember our conversations about the songs Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were singing, conversations that I remember scoffing at when I was a dumb 11-year-old, but now I can see the love and devotion in them. She wanted me to consume music that had the “right” message (which is subjective, I know), and she went to great lengths to help me understand the benefits of Christian music over pop music.

Good Christian Fun has truly been instrumental in helping me come to terms with my affinity for Christian pop culture, and especially my love for Christian music. It’s something that always used to embarrass me because I could never give a good answer for “who’s your favorite band?” and was always self-conscious about my “goody two-shoes Christian girl” answer. But there’s no use in being embarrassed about what we like, is there? So what if I enjoy Christian music more than mainstream pop? So what if I’m still trying to figure out what my faith means, even while singing along to a Chris Tomlin worship song? All that really matters is that we figure out what makes us feel good and at peace, no matter how other people may judge us for it.

Judge away. I’ll be over here dancing in my kitchen to Plus One’s debut album and laughing at all of the memories these songs bring up for me.

Life Lately

It’s been three weeks since Dutch passed away, and I’m slowly trying to get back to myself.

I thought about coming back to blogging last week, but I just wasn’t ready. I’m not even sure if I’m ready now, but I’m trying. I need it, even if the words don’t come as easily as they used to. I mean, I spent two days just trying to figure out how to start this post, deleting paragraph after paragraph.

But I’m here. And that’s all that matters.

In the last three weeks, I’ve tried to figure out how to live my life without my best friend and it’s so hard. Every morning is a constant reminder that he’s gone. And when I’m asleep, I dream of him. I still expect him to be waiting for me when I come home. I hear phantom noises when I’m alone in my apartment. I receive these little reminders on a near-constant basis, like when I opened up my laptop for the first time after losing him and saw a pop-up from Pinterest: “20 more pins for dog birthday party,” because I thought about planning a birthday party for his 16th birthday back in early January. It’s these little things that remind me of the significance and impact of losing him.

But I’m not going to lie: as heartbroken as I am, life has been easier for me. I was not shy about how hard it was to be the sole caretaker for a special needs dog, and my whole life basically revolved around him. I couldn’t leave him alone for more than 3-4 hours, which meant I always had to have someone check in on him in the middle of the day (usually my mom) and I had to race home after work to take care of him. If I had evening plans, I would either have to ask my mom to check on him for me or do it myself, rushing him through his evening walk so I could get to wherever I needed to go. And if I did have evening plans, I would always worry what kind of scene I might come home to because in his last year, Dutch had developed a habit of pooping and then stepping in the poop and spreading it all around. (Sorry to be TMI, but damn, I had to deal with this constantly and it sucked.) There were times when it took thirty minutes to clean it all up, between washing him, cleaning the floors, and disposing of the mess. Listen, I don’t miss that. Not one bit. There’s a sense of freedom in knowing when I come home, I won’t have a poop-splosion to worry about. And let’s not forget his sleep struggles, which were especially bad in the last year and prompted me to put him on a pill that essentially made him lethargic at night so he (and I) would sleep.

So, yes, life is easier in a way. There’s less worrying – about him and if he’s happy and thriving, about his sleep struggles, about arranging my life to suit his needs. I can say “yes” to evening plans without checking in with my mom first to make sure she can take care of his evening walk. I can go to the gym after work without first going home to check on him (which, let’s face it, when I’m home, I’m staying home). I can run errands and not worry about the logistics of what time I need to be home for Dutch.

But life is also a lot more empty, a lot more purposeless, a lot less happy. Even as hard as Dutch was to take care of, he was my buddy. My best friend. I always knew I could come home to him after every bad day, bad date, bad experience. He was there, exuberantly happy to see me and ready to slobber kisses all over my face. He was my constant companion and I really don’t know what to do with myself without him.

I’ve thought a lot about my next pet because yes, I’m pretty sure there will be another little one running around my apartment before 2018 is over. Before Dutch passed away, I didn’t think I would. I thought that I would just wait until I was in a serious relationship, so I had someone else to help me with taking care of a dog, but who knows when that will happen and I don’t think I want to wait until it does. (If it does.)

However, I’m also not making any decisions anytime soon. I’m just not the type to adopt a new pet immediately after losing one. After my beloved dog Minnie died when I was in college, it took me about six months to be ready to start looking for a new dog and suddenly, that’s when the opportunity to adopt Dutch happened, which was serendipity at its finest. And there’s also the question of whether I want to adopt a cat or a dog, which may surprise some people, as I’ve long identified as a dog person. But I like cats! I love them, even. And I’m really intrigued by how much easier they are to care for than dogs, so all my cat people: I want all of your advice in the coming months! I don’t plan on beginning to look for another pet until the summertime, which will give me time to be alone and grieve Dutch, as well as save money for a new pet and make the decision between a cat and a dog.

In the weeks after losing Dutch, I’ve leaned on my mom more than I have in a really long time. And she’s been there for me every step of the way. I slept at her place the day before we put Dutch down because I just didn’t want to wake up alone that day. She was there in the room with me when we put him down and stayed in there after I left sobbing. She’s checked on me constantly, sometimes just showing up at my apartment unannounced, which was so needed for someone like me, who has the hardest time reaching out. She’s the one I can text when I’m having a bad day and she’ll help me take my mind off my pain – or let me talk it out, if that’s what I need.

And my friends have been great, too, especially my friend M. who has checked on me almost every day, even now. And that’s what I’ve discovered from this period of grief – sometimes, I just need someone to text me “How are you?” and allow me to word-vomit about what I’m feeling. She allows me the space to do that. Other friends have taken me out to lunch and let me be a big cloud of gloom, not asking anything more than that of me. I’ve had blog friends send me emails, care packages, messages to check in, and one special friend who donated to the Florida SPCA in memory of Dutch, which made me cry big tears when I found that out. It’s times like these when I find out how loved I am, and it means the world to me. I can only hope I can pay this kindness forward.

And now I’ve talked for 1,200 words, after saying writing has been difficult for me. Obviously not. But I think it’s so helpful when people talk about grief and get real about how they’re feeling. It’s this weird taboo topic in a sense, and I can understand why because it’s so vulnerable and hard and dredges up so many emotions that we’d rather keep tucked away. But I’m trying really, really hard not to keep my emotions down. I have a tendency to do that – so much so that I have been relieved that I’ve cried a lot in these past few weeks because crying is not something I do often, not even after my grandma died – and I’m trying to allow myself the honesty of grief.

So that’s what my life has been like lately. This isn’t a fun season in my life, unfortunately, but I’m learning to live better with the grief of losing my best friend. Certain days are better than others, but I have also been surprised about how easily grief slaps me back on my knees just when I think I’m doing okay. I guess that’s just the way grief works, though. It’s not linear and I just have to accept that I will never understand it. One step forward, four steps back – that’s grief in a nutshell.

But I’m doing okay most days. I’m finding my way through this season as best I can, and that’s all I can ask of myself.