Stephany Writes

Stephany Writes

My Favorite Podcasts – Round Four

Every year, I like to do a round-up of the podcasts I’m loving lately. I am a voracious consumer of podcasts, so much so that I can’t remember the last time I listened to the radio.

Living alone, having podcasts to listen to while I’m getting ready for the day, cleaning, or folding laundry allows me to feel a little less lonely. Podcasts also make my commute to work and driving around town so much more enjoyable. I live in an area that is not walkable, so I always have to hop in the car whenever I want to go somewhere, so podcasts making driving around better.

I also love just going for long walks and listening to a podcast. Sometimes, I’ll bring Dutch, but he’s getting to an age where he can’t handle long walks anymore (though, every now and then, he surprises me!), so usually, it’s just me.

I’ve been listening to podcasts for three years now and my feed is a bit out of control because of the amount of podcasts I’m subscribed to. (I’m currently about five weeks behind, eeks.) Like always, there are podcasts I’ve unsubscribed from because they weren’t engaging me anymore and podcasts I’ve recently subscribed to that have become my favorites. The ebb and flow of the podcast life!

For this podcast round-up, I’m listing nine of my favorite podcasts. These are the podcasts that light me up and excite me whenever they show up in my feed. Let’s get started!

Pod Save America

I’ve never been a political junkie, but the 2016 presidential election changed everything for me—and for a lot of Americans. But while I try to follow what’s going on in the news as closely as I can, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand some of it, especially when it comes to foreign policy and healthcare. So, I am so very grateful for Pod Save America for this reason. This podcast, which is hosted by four former Obama staffers, delves into the hot topics in the news this week and helps to sort out what it exactly means and how it affects us. And while a lot of what is going on in politics right now is frightening, the guys on this show keep things light and funny (without undermining what a serious crisis we’re in right now), which I wholly appreciate. Every episode also includes an interview with a guest, usually a senator or someone involved in politics.

Lovett or Leave It

This is another political podcast, hosted by one of the hosts of Pod Save America, Jon Lovett. Lovett is one of my new favorite people (his rants about Marco Rubio, who is sadly my senator, give me life) and I was so thrilled when he announced this new podcast. It’s a game show-style podcast where he brings on three panelists, usually comedians or journalists, to talk about what’s going on in the news. It’s meant to bring some lightheartedness to the absurdity of politics today, and I laugh my way throughout every episode. Some of the different segments include “What a Week,” where Jon and the panelist discuss some of the hot topics in the news, “OK Stop,” where Jon plays a video clip and they stop it at certain times to discuss what’s going on in the clip, and the “Rant Wheel,” where Jon spins a wheel filled with political and pop culture topics and he and the panelists discuss the topic it lands on.

Stuff Mom Never Told You

This is a show about women and the challenges we face in our society, hosted by Emilie and Bridget, two brand-new co-hosts. The former co-hosts (the ladies I’ve been listening to since 2014!) left the show at the end of 2016 and I thought that was the end for SMNTY, which made me really sad because SMNTY is one of my favorite podcasts that has continuously been on this round-up every year. Thankfully, SMNTY is back and better than ever. I love the new, fresh perspectives that Emilie and Bridget bring and that the episodes are around 30 minutes in length (my favorite length for a podcast!) They have already covered some incredibly interesting topics and I’m just excited to see how this show takes off from here.

Stuff You Should Know

This is probably the most informational podcast in the bunch and I’ve been listening to Josh and Chuck for so long (since 2014!) that I feel that we are good friends now. What I love most about this podcast is that I can learn about things I never knew I wanted to learn about—like how Schoolhouse Rock started and how it became such a phenomenon. I don’t listen to every episode they publish (the more science-y ones go over my head usually), but whenever a new one downloads to my feed, I always get super excited to spend a good 45 minutes to an hour learning about an engaging topic.

Book Riot

I’m a book nerd to my core and this podcast fulfills all of my bookish delights. In this show, two of the editors of the popular book website Book Riot talk about “what’s new, cool, and worth talking about in the world of books and reading.” They have really deep-level conversations about the hot topics in the book world right now, whether that’s Amazon starting brick-and-mortar bookstores, Trump blocking Stephen King on Twitter, or the Oprah Book Club. Book Riot is heavily focused on diversity in publishing, which is something a lot of bookish websites aren’t talking about, and I really appreciate the nuanced discussions they have.

What Should I Read Next?

In this completely unique podcast, Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy fame sits down with one guest per episode to offer book recommendations based on what the guest picked as three books they loved and one book they hated. I started listening to this one from the very beginning (which was just about a year ago!) and it remains one of my most anticipated listens. Anne Bogel has really found her groove lately, seamlessly intertwining engaging interviews with book recommendations.

The Baby-Sitter’s Club Club

This is one of my newest podcast finds and it fills me with such delight every time I listen to an episode. I’m still working through their backlist (I have “048 – Mary Anne Misses Logan” queued up to listen to next!), but I can safely vouch for the brilliance of this podcast. Two thirty-something guys living in New York have teamed up to read all of the books in The Baby-Sitter’s Club series and discuss them. Their discussions are hilarious and include segments such as “Burn of the Week” and “Tearful Moment.” They also have a segment called “Tracking Jackie” that never fails to make me crack up (basically, they believe Jackie Rodowsky who is accident prone is a “time jumper,” so every time he has some sort of “accident,” this is just his way of jumping back and forth through time). Every now and then, the guys discuss a book in The Baby-Sitter’s Little Sister series and it’s startling how much I remember about that series. In any event, this podcast takes me back to my childhood where all I wanted to do was devour as many BSC books as possible.

Death, Sex & Money

Have you ever wanted to sit down with someone and have an honest conversation about the uncomfortable topics people tend to shy away from? Topics like money and how much you make and how much debt you have and how you handle your finances. Topics like drug use and death and student loans and how to deal with a breakup. Death, Sex & Money is a podcast that talks about the “things we think about a lot and need to talk about more.” It’s one of my favorite podcasts because Anna Sale is a terrific host. She has a mix of celebrities and real people sharing their real stories. The episodes are short, around 30 minutes in length, and since the majority of the podcasts I listen to are usually at least an hour, sometimes longer, I like Anna Sale’s concise format. It’s one of my must listens.

Real Talk Radio

Nicole releases her episodes in seasons, so rather than releasing an episode a week, she releases eight every other month. One of the things I love about Nicole—she’s not afraid to do something out of the box! Another way Nicole’s podcast is unique is that she has two-hour-long conversations with her guests, so it’s not your standard 45-minute interview podcast. Nope, Nicole wants to go deeper than that. She wants to get into the heart of the matter when it comes to what it means to be human in this messy world. What it means to set goals and start a business and get married and overcome addiction. Her guests aren’t the typical ones you see making the rounds on the podcast circuit and they aren’t on the show to sell you on anything, which I so appreciate. Over the past few seasons, Nicole has cultivated an eclectic group of interview guests, usually people I’ve never heard of but who inspire me so much when I listen to their story. I love Nicole’s podcast so much that I signed up to be one of her Patreon supporters because, well, as much as I’d like to believe that creativity is free, it’s not. Nicole works damn hard at her show and providing my monetary support is just one way I can show her how much I appreciate it.

Honorable mentions: The Lively Show, The Shepod, Call Your Girlfriend, Smartest Person in the Room, and Dear Sugars.

Do you listen to any of the podcasts listed? What’s the newest podcast you’ve added to your feed?

When Your Anxiety Looks & Feels Different

It took me a long time to ask my doctor for a prescription for my anxiety.

It wasn’t necessarily that I thought being on anxiety meds was bad, but it was that I thought my anxiety wasn’t bad enough.

When people talked about their anxiety symptoms, I could sympathize but not necessarily relate.

I don’t get stressed out easily and when I am stressed out, it doesn’t make me panicky. I don’t have panic attacks every day. I’ve always been a good sleeper and I’m not a very restless person.

And yet… there were other signs. The way it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I drove into work, not because my job was super stressful or that I hated the work I did (just the opposite, actually!), but because I was overwhelmed at the thought of spending my next 9.5 hours in a cubicle, interacting with people.

There were all the times I woke up in the middle of the night and convinced myself that I woke up because something awful had just happened in my family, like I’m omniscient or something. And then it would take me up to an hour to fall back asleep because I was panicked about my family.

There were the meltdowns. Oh, the meltdowns. One little thing would happen and I would fall completely apart and realize everything in my life was terrible. Those were the more scary moments because they were the moments when I felt the most hopeless about my life.

There was the constant worry about every single thing that could go wrong in my life. My mom dying, my brother dying, my nephews dying. My mom getting paralyzed in a car accident, my brother crashing his truck at work. Something happening to Dutch. My apartment burning down because I left my straightener on. Getting fired. And on and on and on it went. Worry after worry after worry. It never stopped.

And let’s not forget the social aspect of my anxiety, though I’ve talked about that already. But it’s something that’s affected me for years and until I had a name for it, I didn’t realize it wasn’t a normal way to live.

I didn’t realize that none of this wasn’t normal. I didn’t realize that I could feel better, that I didn’t have to live in a constant state of worry and on the verge of collapse every single day.

My anxiety did not look like the anxiety I saw from other people who opened up about their struggles, so I thought that maybe because it didn’t affect my life in the same way that I didn’t deserve medication. Most days I was okay! Perfectly happy, even. And then, out of the blue, everything would fall apart and I’d feel as if my world was crashing down on me and I was swimming underwater and didn’t know how to reach the air. But then I’d fight my way out of it and be okay and convince myself that I didn’t really need meds. It didn’t affect me “enough.”

Which is bullshit. The fact that it affected me a little is “enough.” The fact that I had days or weeks when I felt trapped in my own mind is “enough.”

A podcast I recently listened to put it this way: “We don’t feel as if we have to deserve antibiotics when we have an ear infection. Why would we feel we have to deserve medication when we have a mental disorder?” (I’m paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of what he said.)

On a previous post, I mentioned how life-changing it has been to be on medication for my anxiety. I feel more stable, more in control of my emotions. I feel the happiest I have felt in months. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a meltdown and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve woken up with a panic attack. I didn’t even realize how bad my anxiety was and how much I let it hold me back until I started feeling better.

This is not even the post I meant to write. I wanted to write about how my anxiety affects the way I travel (a post I still plan to write!), but this is what has come out of me instead. There’s a reason I needed to write this post, and I’m not exactly sure why. But maybe it’s because someone needs to hear these words.

So to those reading…

If your anxiety doesn’t look like the anxiety you see displayed on TV commercials or in movies, you still deserve to get help. You deserve to feel better.

If you think that being on medication for your anxiety means you’re giving up or not strong enough, that is a lie you should never believe. Seeking help is the action only a warrior can take. It’s a scary step to bring your struggle out in the open and to let someone know that you are not okay and you want to be okay. It’s not about being strong enough; it’s about a chemical imbalance in your brain and you deserve to fix that imbalance.

If you think that a doctor might blow you off when you mention your anxiety or just tell you to eat better and get more exercise, find a new doctor. I worried for a long time that a doctor wouldn’t believe me when I told her/him about what I was dealing with, so with every appointment, I never brought it up. Until one day I did and I fumbled over my words and couldn’t exactly articulate what my anxiety looked like, but this doctor looked at me with compassion and wrote me the prescription I needed. Find the doctor who will take you seriously – there’s nothing more important than that.

If you don’t think you are worthy of feeling better, as if you somehow deserve this anxiety, I want you to know that none of that is true. Nobody deserves to feel like an elephant is sitting on his or her chest or to have constant panic attacks. As a human being, you are worthy of feeling like your best self. You are worthy of getting help. You are worthy of living life at its utmost pleasure.

When You’re Not Okay

It’s hard to admit when I’m not okay. I tend to get really frustrated when it happens.

“A day ago, you were fine,” I argue with myself. “A day ago, you were doing so good. What happened?”

It’s such a cliche, but it’s so much easier to give grace to others than it is to give it to myself. When people in my life are struggling, I’m there in a heartbeat. I listen to them, I give them advice (if it’s needed), and I tell them they will be okay someday. This too shall pass.

When I’m not okay, usually there’s no reason for it. It’s just that one day I was okay and now I am not. One day I found beauty in the sunrise and the next day, the sun rising fills me with dread and overwhelm at everything it takes to simply be a human on this planet.

I haven’t been okay. I haven’t been okay for a while now.

This happens to me every so often. This time, I can pinpoint the cause. I know exactly why I feel like such a dark cloud of gloom, and while there’s a certain level of peace in that, there’s also confusion. Because I don’t exactly know how to work through this unhappiness I’m feeling. I don’t know how to make me better.

Thankfully, in times like these, I turn to my tried-and-true strategies for helping myself when I’m not feeling okay. They are my toolkit for feeling better, for getting back to myself. But before I get into these strategies, I do want to make a point that when I say I am “not feeling okay,” this is not code for depressed. I’ve been depressed before in my life and this isn’t it. It’s just feeling sad, a bit tired from the world. Generally, this feeling doesn’t last for longer than a week and I find my way out of it on my own.

Okay, with that said, here are my strategies for making it through those moments when you just aren’t feeling okay, for whatever reason:

1) Find your mantra.

“This too shall pass.” “Feel your feelings.” “It’s okay to not be okay all of the time.” “You will get through this now because you’ve gotten through this before.” I have a bunch of mantras I turn to when I’m feeling down. Mostly, I like to remind myself that it is okay to be sad. I am not a robot, I am a complex human being and all of my emotions are valid, even the ones I don’t necessarily enjoy. I also like to remind myself that I will not always be sad. I will not always feel so defeated by life. Find a mantra and repeat it over and over and over again until you start believing it.

2) Distract yourself.

Usually, I’ll distract myself with by downloading a romance novel or going for a long walk while listening to a podcast I love or taking my dog to the dog park. All of these scenarios keep my mind occupied, which is usually what I need when I’m feeling sad because I have the tendency to get completely wrapped in my head and downward-spiral into my own thoughts. Find something to do that will offer a complete distraction from your sadness – bonus points if it gets you outside and into the sunshine, since that will immediately boost your mood.

3) Write about it.

It’s not for everyone, but writing is a cathartic experience for me. Sometimes, what I write may turn out to be useful for a blog post, but not always. Often, it’s something solely for me. I also find that working on my fiction novel is a great way for me to deal with my funk because it’s something I enjoy so much and the subject matter is light-hearted. Even if writing isn’t your forte, having a journal and a place to get everything going on inside your head onto paper (or screen) can help you sort through how you’re feeling.

4) Call a friend.

Okay, listen. I am terrible at this. I’m the first to admit it. I do not like reaching out to friends when I’m in a funk. It’s completely ridiculous because I want them to pick up on the fact that I’m not feeling okay because obviously that’s the only way to show you care about me! (I desperately want to delete that sentence because it sounds so pathetic, but I won’t. Truth is vulnerable and truth is hard.) I also don’t want to burden my friends with my issues. Who wants to be around a Debbie Downer? But no. I know when I call a friend, when I let someone in on how I’m feeling, it helps so much. Whether it’s someone giving me perspective or just knowing I don’t have to carry this burden alone, it helps. Call your people. Wouldn’t you want a friend to open up to you if they’re feeling low?

5) Find a therapist.

Look, we all have times in our lives when we don’t feel like ourselves. Nobody ever feels okay 100% of the time. But if those times when you don’t feel okay start stacking up, when it starts taking you longer and longer to get out of your funk, you may want to think about therapy. I honestly think everyone can benefit from seeing a therapist, and I’m actively working to find one on my own (it’s much harder than I imagined, trying to find a therapist that takes my insurance and is accepting patients, but I’m determined). It’s just helpful to set aside time to see a therapist and talk about what you’re going through, to get a fresh (and professional!) opinion, to feel less alone. It’s the strategy that may seem like the scariest one, but the payoffs could be the most beneficial.

What strategies do you use when you’re not feeling okay?

What People Don’t Understand About Social Anxiety

In January, I wrote a post about social anxiety and it was the kind of post that I was scared to push publish on. Talking about my social anxiety makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, but I also refuse to keep silent about this aspect of my personality. Because keeping silent means I feel ashamed that I have social anxiety, and I’m not ashamed. Not anymore. I have simply accepted it’s part of who I am.

The first response I received to that blog post was… unpleasant, to say the least. I wrote out a lengthy response to this comment, but the email address was invalid. (Of course it was!)

I’ve never done this before because, generally, I don’t see the point in giving negative comments any sort of attention, but this comment showed me that there are people who really do not understand what social anxiety is, and it’s time to lay some truth bombs for these people.

Here’s the comment:

You sound like you have some real self-esteem issues. This seems like more than social anxiety, it’s a real problem with the way you think the rest of the world is constantly judging you. Literally no one cares how you park your car. You’re not an idiot if you have to look around a restaurant for your friends. EVERYONE has done this. You sound like you really need to get on medication and into therapy.

Ouch.

I won’t lie; for about five seconds after I received that comment, I considered deleting the post. I understand that when I decided to put my life on display via a public blog, I must take the good with the bad. But the bad really hurts sometimes. That comment hurt. But it also showed me how little people understand of social anxiety. So, let’s discuss some truths about it:

Social anxiety is about self-esteem and the fear of being judged by others. The comment above states that I have “real self-esteem issues” and “a real problem with the way you think the world is constantly judging you.” Funny enough – this person describes social anxiety perfectly! It is about self-esteem and it is about the way we feel people are judging our every move. This is social anxiety – our fear of how we are perceived in social settings. This fear is so pervasive that it can cause panic attacks at just the thought of going on a job interview or a date or your church’s picnic. And, since social anxiety develops based largely on environment, it’s those of us who grew up feeling less than, unwanted, unloved who often have social anxiety. We weren’t given safe spaces to grow, so we became fearful of the world and being judged.

We understand that our fear is not logical. When I’m in my logical mind, I know that nobody cares how I park my car. I know that I’m not an idiot if I have to look around a while before spotting my friends in a restaurant. I know that. But social anxiety does not play on logic; it plays on our biggest fears. Our fear of being judged harshly, of people laughing at us, of being embarrassed. So, yes, I will worry about people judging me for how I parked my car because that’s how my social anxiety works. You don’t need to tell me it’s silly because I know it is. I already feel completely ridiculous by how crippled I get by my thoughts when I’m worried about a social event. I already feel as if there’s something wrong with me because I get so damn worried all the time about things most other people don’t even concern themselves about. But social anxiety is not about logic, so please don’t make someone feel bad for the things they are fearful of. That’s not helpful, that’s harmful.

We are not weirdos with no social life. Thanks to years of deep introspection, understanding friends, and taking huge risks, I’ve developed a good social life. I didn’t always have this. I didn’t make any friends in college because I was too scared to speak up in class or talk to the people next to me. I cried every day the year I lived on campus and would hide out in the bookstore because it felt safe. I didn’t join any extracurricular activities in high school or college (well, aside for a semester of basketball cheerleading during 10th grade – how’s that for a fun fact?!) because I was too afraid of being judged. And then I learned about what social anxiety is and realized this condition described me perfectly, and I was letting it win. So, I joined a book club on Meetup, said yes when a new coworker invited me to her place to hang out, started talking more with the people around me at work. It’s been difficult and sometimes, I still wonder why I have any friends and why they even like me, but mostly, I’m happy I took risks and found the people who don’t think less of me for having social anxiety and, when I tell them about it, their response is, “Is there anything I can do to help?” (<– Best response to anyone who opens up about their social anxiety, btw.) Our social lives may be lighter than others, and we may turn down a lot of engagements because we know they’d just ratchet up our anxiety and make us incredibly uncomfortable, but we do have social lives.

We are not unfriendly and we don’t hate people. Not in the least! I may not be the most bubbly individual, and I may be able to endure an entire elevator ride without saying a word to you, but I don’t consider myself unfriendly. I’m just shy and have a hard time talking to people sometimes without stumbling over my words and feeling like a complete fool. I will do everything in my power to keep myself from doing that, so, usually, I just stay quiet. (Which is why I’ll opt for the stairs instead of the elevator if I see a group of coworkers waiting by the elevator when I’m leaving the office.) And I love meeting new people! Okay, okay. I like it. People are inherently fascinating and I want to talk to you – it’s just not always easy for me, so be patient with me, okay?

Ah, I could go on and on and on! I truly could. But this post is long enough already. I hope I made my point. I hope this person who left that comment understands how hurtful their comment was. And I hope they have a better understanding – and more empathy – for what we experience on a daily basis. Social anxiety is illogical and frustrating and makes me feel crazy sometimes, but I don’t deserve to be shamed for it. Shaming someone for a mental illness is such harmful behavior, and we need to be better than that.

For my comrades suffering with social anxiety and still managing to make a life for yourself, I am so proud of you. You are brave. You are incredible. You are worthy of taking up space.

Friday Confessions

It’s Friday and it’s been a very long time since I did any sort of confessions-style post for this blog. I’ve done childhood confessions and bookish confessions, but not any sort of good, old-fashioned regular confessions since 2011. So here are my confessions for today: some of which are silly and some that leave me feeling a bit vulnerable.

  • I never listen to the radio, so I never know what’s popular right now. Sometimes, I’ll scroll through the “United States Top 50” chart on Spotify so I can see what’s trending right now and feel a little more “in the know,” but eh. Podcasts > music.
  • It feels a bit terrible to contemplate this, but I know the time will come that Dutch passes away and sometimes I think about my next pet. I think I might get a cat, which I know would surprise some people. But I love cats as much as I love dogs! My cousin has two cats and I love them to pieces. I’m not one of those dog lovers that turns up her nose at cats. No, sirree. And, I won’t lie, one of the reasons I contemplate getting a cat is because they are (allegedly) easier to take care of than a dog.
  • Give me cider over beer, rum over tequila, sangria over wine.
  • I’m probably not going to take a cruise this year and it will be the first time in six years that I haven’t cruised. It just means I’ll be more than ready for my 10th cruise sometime in 2018.
  • The only reason I’m still on Facebook is because my book club uses it for upcoming meetings and general chit-chat.
  • I rarely use my phone when I’m at home, only if I want to listen to a podcast while I’m cooking or cleaning. Otherwise, it can be hours before I see a text message if my sound is turned off.
  • I’ve never been to a concert before, and I don’t particularly care to start. I’m not a huge music person as it is (re: my first confession) and I feel like there are much better ways for me to spend my money. Good for you, not for me!
  • It feels as if my fingernails are suffocating when I put nail polish on them, so my nails are almost never painted.
  • I love wearing makeup because it makes me feel more put together. It’s not as if I’m ashamed to go out in public bare-faced; I just like the way I look better with makeup than without. My routine is fairly simple: foundation, powder, eyebrow pencil, mascara. Lipstick if I want to feel fierce. And, it never fails, whenever I go to work without makeup, I always get a comment about how red my face is. I don’t even know how to respond to those types of comments, and I hate how self-conscious they make me feel.
  • I have decided that the next place I will live will either be with a partner or a place I own. In a way, I’m giving myself a deadline to be in a committed, long-term relationship in the next 2-3 years or I am going to start looking to buy a condo on my own.
  • I used to sleep in my contacts all the time, until I learned how terrible that is for my eyes. My contacts are the ones you can wear for 30 days without changing them out, so I figured that meant 30 days straight without removing them, which nope. No, you cannot. Now I take them out every night, no excuses.
  • I never have decision fatigue when it comes to my wardrobe and that’s because I have a system where I have my business casual shirts, my casual tees, and my dresses in a specific order. When I am going into my closet to pick something, I select the first item in the “line” and don’t concern myself with anything else. I wear a dress once a week (usually Mondays), so I know on Mondays, I will select a dress. Tuesdays-Thursdays are business casual shirts, and Fridays and weekends are casual tees. After I wash and dry a shirt or dress, it goes on a hanger and to the “back of the line.” It’s a foolproof, simple system and it means I never waste time in the morning trying to figure out what to wear.
  • One of my biggest grammar pet peeves is when people mix up the verb/noun forms of words. I recently received an email – from a professional freelance writer, no less! – where she used the word “hangout” when she meant to say “hang out.” Hangout is a noun, it means a place to visit. Hang out is a verb, which means to spend time relaxing/enjoying oneself. So, you would say, “Come to my hangout!” but not “Let’s hangout!” Another common mix-up I see is workout vs work out. Workout is a noun, and it means a session of physical activity (i.e., “I had a great workout today!”). Work out is a verb, and it means engaging in physical activity (i.e., “I wanted to work out in the morning, but I slept in instead.”) So, you would never say, “I am planning to workout.” No. You are planning to work out.
  • Following the theme of grammar, I edit my text messages before I send them. Every. Single. Text message. I type them out and then before pressing send, I always look it over and edit it if I need to. I realize this is ridiculous, but I can’t help myself! It’s a sickness, I tell ya.
  • I am terrified of going to jail. I think about it constantly, and my anxiety level is to the point where I can’t watch or read anything involving jail/prison. I’ve never watched Orange Is the New Black, and I don’t think I ever will. Back in September, right after I moved, I unknowingly opened up a piece of mail that was not addressed to me. I picked up my mail, and just tore open the envelope without looking and then realized my mistake. I spent weeks in a panic about getting arrested for opening mail not addressed to me. (Look, I never said my anxiety was logical, okay?!)

Okay, your turn! Tell me a confession. 🙂

What It’s Like to Date as a Highly Sensitive Person

Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a pretty spectacular personality trait to have, and that’s especially true when it comes to dating. Sure, there are aspects of being a HSP that can be downright difficult, but in many ways, it allows me to experience life in a brighter, bolder way.

Over the past few years, I’ve had my fair share of good dates and bad dates. And before I learned about my HSP trait, I often thought there was something weird or wrong with me. When friends would tell me about their dating experiences, like going out on 3-4 dates in one week with a different guy each time, I would cringe. That sounded like so much work. I felt as if I was dating wrong, as if the only way to find my special person would be to go on as many dates as I possibly could, throwing caution to the wind.

But the truth is that dating is a personal journey and there is no one right way to date. I have friends who did the date-as-much-as-possible way and found true, lasting love. I have friends who only went on one or two dates before meeting the love of their life. There’s no algorithm for something like dating. There’s nothing to say that going on a lot of dates will yield a boyfriend or that going on as few dates as possible will yield singleness. It’s all up to fate.

And the truth is that dating when you’re a highly sensitive person and an introvert is a vastly different experience. It’s both completely magical and incredibly draining.

While I can’t speak for all introverted HSPs, this is my experience about dating as one:

When I fall, I fall fast and intensely. When I meet someone I like, it consumes me. I can’t focus at work because I can’t stop thinking about him and imagining our future together. All I want to listen to are sappy romance songs. All I want to do is spend as much time as humanely possible with him. This starts as soon as the first date. The feelings are intense and all-encompassing and ruin my entire life for a few weeks. In the best possible way, of course.

I need at least a month to get over a breakup. I’m not even talking about breaking up with a longtime boyfriend because, well, I’ve never had a longtime boyfriend. I’m talking about those relationships where you’re just going on dates and seeing each other. Nothing serious has been established, but when those relationships end, I can’t jump right back into the dating pool. Those few weeks were intense ones for me and I need time by myself to let go of all my visions for what could have been and to find myself again.

I can only handle one date per week, and I need at least a few days notice. Truthfully, one to two dates a month is plenty for me. It takes a lot out of me to prepare for that first date. First, there are the messages sent back and forth over a matter of days (or weeks, if I’m talking to someone who is particularly gun-shy), and that alone depletes some of my energy to make small talk and ask all those “initial questions”. Then, the date itself is draining, especially if the date isn’t going well and I’m trying to find a polite way to end it. Usually, I enjoy the dates while I’m on them and truly enjoy getting to know someone new and discovering shared interests, but I’m also always ready to call it a night after dinner. First dates that extend past two hours are not my cuppa tea.

I never “go for drinks” because bars make me so uncomfortable and are too loud and overstimulating. I really dislike the advice that a first date should always be grabbing a drink at a bar or going for coffee. Honestly, if I’m going to get all worked up for a date, I prefer it to be dinner where there is a specific start and stop point. With coffee or a drink, it’s a date that can end in 15 minutes or linger for an hour. I also dislike the advice about going for drinks because bars make me uncomfortable. They are usually loud and overstimulating, so I can never focus on the guy and our conversation. There’s just too much happening around me, too many energies to take in, that I’m never my best self. Add to it that I’m not much of a drinker, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. For me, I much prefer going for dinner as a first date… and the reason why will be evident in the next fact.

I have a few creature-comfort restaurants that I always suggest because I know how to get there, the atmosphere, the menu, etc. This has been key for me as an introverted HSP in the dating world. I have very specific restaurants that I suggest as places to meet up because I’ve been there so many times that they feel comfortable. I know exactly how to get there and how long it will take me. I know the parking situation. I know how the restaurant is set up, the atmosphere, the menu. It means I don’t have to waste precious energy worrying about driving to the restaurant, how the parking is, what I’ll order, etc.

I always have a backup plan ready for when a guy wants to extend a first date. Having a backup plan is just Dating 101, but I don’t only have a backup plan for if the date is going south, but also for if the date is going well, but my energy is just depleted and I need to go home… without being all, “Sry, introvert battery drained. Must go home.” Usually, my dog is my excuse. “Oh, I’d love to, but I need to get home and let my dog out. He’s older, so he can’t go too long between bathroom breaks.” It’s lame, I know, but it’s sometimes the best I can do.

When I am in a relationship, I get easily overwhelmed by sharing my life with someone. One of the most difficult things about being in a relationship is sharing my life. Yes, it’s really exciting and super fun and, usually, all I want to do is spend time with him… but it can also be overwhelming because I’m more comfortable single than I am in a relationship. I’m not used to checking in with someone or planning my weekend around him. I’m not used to going out as much as I do in new relationships. It can be overwhelming for me.

Because I so value deep conversations, I never go out with people whose messages don’t go beyond the “what do you like to do for fun” questions. It’s probably due to my intuitive nature, but I can pretty quickly tell whether or not I have a connection with someone I’m messaging with online. If the conversation doesn’t flow past the usual “how are you?” and “what do you like to do for fun?” (<– one of my least favorite questions ever!), then I know that there’s no point in even setting up a date. As an introvert, I value deep conversation over small talk and I want that reflected in messages. It also means I am very, very picky about the guys I agree to go on a date with, which limits my pool a bit, but I’m willing to take the risk.

Being a highly sensitive person means life is more intense for me, which makes sense that dating would be a more intense situation. Love comes very easily for me because I am so in tune with my emotions and my surroundings, so I tend to fall in and out of love quickly. (Some may say that’s not really love, and I won’t argue the point. I just think it’s the easiest way to explain how I feel.) But isn’t there such a radical beauty to that? It means I get to experience love in all it’s glory again and again and again. It also means that when my heart is crushed, the feeling is intensified and the weight of it nearly unbearable. I remember when I was ghosted on by a guy I was falling head over heels for, and this was just after two dates. But my feelings for him consumed me. And then when it ended, and ended in such a terrible way, the pain was crushing. I spent an entire weekend in bed, barely able to summon the energy to eat or move. It sounds dramatic, and it is, but that’s just the dichotomy of living an intense life. I have to take the good and the bad, and I would never trade the good – the brightness, the boldness, the fierceness – just so I would never experience the bad.

My Social Anxiety Is Not a Weakness

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What time do I need to leave? What if I leave too early and nobody is there yet? What if I leave too late and I’m the last to arrive and then have to look around the restaurant to find them and look like an idiot? What if I can’t find a parking spot? What if I have to sit there and make conversation with one person and can’t think of a single thing to say? What if I can’t find anything on the menu I like? What about driving to the movie theater afterward? I know there’s a parking garage, but where is it? What if I can’t find it and I’m the last to arrive and my friends are waiting on me? What if I can’t find my way out of the parking garage easily? What if my car doesn’t start at the end of the night? What if I lose my keys or my wallet? 

***

Oh shit, the friend I was going to arrive with isn’t going to this event anymore. Now I have to show up alone – THE. WORST. What if I can’t find the location easily? What if everyone sees me trying to parallel park my car on the street and sees how terrible I am at it? What if I arrive too early and see everyone in the first shift and I look like a dork? What if I can’t find C when I get there and I don’t know what to do and just stand around looking stupid? What if I don’t know what I’m doing – I’ve never painted in my life? What if everyone is buddy-buddy with everyone and I’m just left alone, painting by myself? 

***

Social anxiety is about worrying about every worst possible scenario whenever you have to do something social. It’s spending the weeks, hours, and days leading up to an event downward-spiraling and falling deeper and deeper into your thoughts as you contemplate everything that could make you uncomfortable or feel out of place. It’s getting to an event and feeling like everyone is looking at you and judging you.

Even though almost every single social event I’ve gone to has been fine and I’ve wound up having a great time, I’m always going to worry about these events. Always. I will never not worry about them.

It’s something I’ve come to accept. Something that makes me so vastly different than the majority of the population.

***

The first event referenced above happened just this past week when I had plans for dinner and a movie with three close girlfriends. I know these girlfriends well. I love them. I had a great time with them. And yet I still spent the day leading up to our night out worrying about every little logistical detail.

The other event was a charity painting event I did with some coworkers and some people I didn’t know back in April of last year. I spent weeks worrying about that event, especially when I found out my best friend wasn’t going to be there to be my buffer. I considered canceling multiple times, but I didn’t have a good excuse, so I ended up going and asking another friend if she could pick me up on the way there. (This is one of my Social Anxiety Tricks: try to always show up to an event with someone else.) I ended up having a blast, but I couldn’t help feeling like a freak about how much I worried about everything leading up to that day.

And that’s just the truth of what having social anxiety feels like: it makes me feel like a freak. I can literally drive myself to sickness with how much I worry about certain social situations, and in doing so, it makes me want to just hide away and never make plans with people ever. Life is easier that way. I don’t have to worry about anything when my weekend plans are to binge on Netflix and read a book and take naps.

But life wasn’t meant to be easy. It was meant to be challenging and messy and crazy and wonderful. And I can’t get all that I want out of life if I become a hermit, hiding away in my apartment and never taking chances on something new.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and joined a book club in my area, even though I was so nervous leading up to that first meeting that my body was shaking, my teeth were chattering, and my heart rate was through the roof during the drive to the restaurant, I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and started a new job in an unfamiliar part of town in a completely different industry, even though I couldn’t go into the break room for the first few days because I was too shy and didn’t make any friends for the first few months, I wouldn’t have grown so much as a professional and as a person. And I also wouldn’t have met Roomie. Or some of my most favorite people. Or realized that it’s totally possible to love what you do, even if it’s not your dream job.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and started an online dating profile and started saying yes to dates, even though I would spend the hours leading up to the date in the bathroom and get body shakes driving to the restaurant, I wouldn’t have met some of the guys I’ve met and have had some really terrible, really fun, and really mediocre dating experiences.

***

The the truth of the matter is that social anxiety is a part of who I am. It’s a challenge. It’s difficult to live with. It’s not something I would wish on anyone else. But it’s part of my story. It does not make me a freak. It doesn’t not make me less of a person. It just makes me a human who has limits when it comes to socializing. There are some events I know my anxiety cannot handle – like going to a networking event alone – and there are some events that I know I have to power through because the end result is worth the panic beforehand – like attending a charity painting event or going on a date with someone I met online.

I’m not defined by my social anxiety, but it is a big part of who I am. I’m learning to live with it. I’m learning to acknowledge the effect it has on me. And I’m learning to not beat myself up just because I have to worry about every single logistical detail of social situations.

And I’m learning to speak up about my social anxiety so that people don’t have to feel alone. I’m here and I’m listening.

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Expose

It’s funny how my yearly word always seems to come to me, seemingly out of nowhere.

I had no idea what my word would be this year. For me, 2016 was a fairly good year. There was the garbage fire that was the presidential election, but overall, it was a year in which I have more positive than negative memories.

I made some goals for 2017, but those are all tasks to mark off. No fast food! Get a tattoo! Read some classic novels!

My yearly word is different. It’s about the way I want to feel throughout the year and how I want to challenge myself.

But I didn’t really know how I wanted to challenge myself in 2017. How did I want to feel this year? Passionate, fulfilled, satisfied, loved, secure… these are all words I wrote down while brainstorming.

And then the word came to me, when looking at the synonyms for a different word, and it fit so perfectly.

Expose.

It means to lay open, to uncover, to present to view, to reveal, to unmask, to display.

It means to stop hiding behind the stories I tell myself of why I am not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or bold enough to make my biggest dreams come true.

It means to stop letting my social anxiety and introversion and high sensitivity keep me from trying new things and opening up.

It means to expose myself in all the ways I need to be exposed. To expose my writing to the world. To expose my true self to the men I date. To expose my feelings about politics and racism and discrimination to people, even when it feels uncomfortable. To expose myself to situations where I might feel vulnerable or scared or uncomfortable so I can open myself up to opportunities I don’t typically explore.

Expose is about letting myself be open to what’s next, to reveal my truest self even when it’s scary.

And, listen, I will continue to be my introverted, quiet self. It’s not about putting myself in situations that will only exacerbate my social anxiety or overstimulate me. I’m not sitting here, telling myself I need to get out more and stop hiding at home. I am still going to hide at home when I need to. I know what situations are terror on my nervous system and what situations aren’t. A friend hosting a get-together with a bunch of people I don’t know? Nope, that’s not a good place for me to be. A friend invites me and a couple other people out to brunch or to see a movie? Yeah, that’s a situation I know I can handle and I’m hiding behind my social anxiety when I turn them down.

In 2017, I want to live a bit more boldly than I have ever lived before. I want to take more risks and expose my heart out into the world. I want my writing published in more places than just my blog. I want to be vocal about what I believe in. I want to fall in love and take a chance with my heart.

In 2017, I want to be exposed.

The Beauty of the Solitary Life

Perhaps it’s strange, but when I was younger, I always envied the older single women in my life more than the women with families.

I constantly thought about what their lives must be like: having as much alone time as they wanted, living in a space they didn’t have to share with anybody, being able to spend whole weekends entirely alone.

I looked at them and thought to myself, That is what I want.

I felt as if there was something so spectacular about the freedom of living alone and being alone. I never have been a girl who hated being alone. I loved half-days at school because it meant I could go straight home and spend an entire afternoon before my mom came home by myself, reading or playing alone. I loved summer because I didn’t have to spend entire days in the company of other people, having to be social and active. I hated sleepovers, unless I knew my friend really really well, because it meant I’d have to be “on” for an entire evening and morning and I always craved the comfort of my own bed and home. I was never a girl who made plans with friends on the weekends because I wanted my weekends for myself: to recharge after five days of being with people all day. Even college was tough and I spent so much time holed up in my dorm room my freshman year. And if I wasn’t in my dorm room, I was holed up at the bookstore, reading a novel I’d picked off the shelf.

I never wanted to admit any of that because it was this aspect of my personality that I abhorred. I felt that there was something weird or wrong with me for needing so much alone time. Nobody else around me seemed to struggle! They all seemed to enjoy spending time with other people and had this comfort level with themselves that I didn’t have.

I didn’t understand who I was, not when I was in college and certainly not when I was younger. But as I learned about my highly sensitive nature and my introversion, all of the puzzle pieces clicked into place for me.

This is just what it means to be a highly sensitive introvert. My body physically craves alone time. My senses send me signals when I’ve had too much. Being around people is overstimulating for me because I’m taking in everyone else’s energy and spending so much time processing the environment around me. Alone time is a necessity and I need bunches of it to feel like myself again.

I need quiet, I need peace, I need only myself.

And here I am today, a girl who knows who she is. A girl who accepts who she is. A girl who loves that she’s an introvert and completely okay with spending entire days alone.

I’m living the dream I wanted as a young girl: living alone and being alone. And it is everything I thought it would be, and more.

It is not lonely, but fulfilling. Not scary, but comforting. Not overwhelming, but exactly what I need.

There’s beauty in this space that’s all my own. A space I get to decorate as I please and clean as much or as little as I want (thankfully, I inherited my mom’s obsessive cleaning tendencies!). It’s a space to come to when I’m feeling overstimulated by too much social interaction, a space to relax and recharge.

It’s my home. And it’s all mine.

This is the life I desired when I was younger and, while someday I want to move from this stage to the one that is a husband and family, I’m going to enjoy the hell out of what I have today and appreciate the space and the joy of being alone.

On September

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Hello, hello, hello!

Oh, it feels so good to be back online. My time away from the internet was lovely, but I really missed this space. What these breaks really solidify for me, more than anything else, is how much I love this little blog of mine. I missed writing and connecting. I missed brainstorming about blog ideas. I missed opening up and speaking my truth. I’m so excited to dive back into blogging.

I didn’t miss social media as much as blogging. I never do, really. Social media is so noisy and I loved how much quieter my mind was without it. I only really missed social media when I was waiting in line for coffee or on a walk with Dutch. Those little moments of downtime when I just wanted to occupy my mind with something brainless. It’s really rather strange to be waiting for something and just… sit there while you wait. Quietly. Without opening up a social media app.

In any event, the break was good for me and I am so, so happy to be back. I have so many blog post ideas running through my head and I’m excited to get back to writing.

So, let’s talk about September and what I’ve been up to:

Hurricane Hermine

In the days leading up to moving weekend, a tropical storm started brewing in the Gulf of Mexico. The Tampa Bay Area wasn’t supposed to get hit, but we were predicted to get tons of rainfall due to the outer bands. The tropical storm soon developed into a Category 1 hurricane and I have to believe whomever named this hurricane has beef with Harry Potter. But whatever. My work closed early on the Thursday before my move, as well as closed completely on Friday, as a safety precaution. Thankfully, we didn’t get too much rainfall, for which I am very grateful.

A seamless move

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I am happy to report that my move to my new apartment was as seamless as it could be! I did my moving in bits and pieces. I got my keys on a Friday, and then moved the majority of my boxes on Saturday and my furniture on Sunday. (Well, my brother moved in my furniture. I just rented the U-Haul and tried to stay out of his way.) It was a physically demanding move due to all the back and forth of moving boxes into my car from my second-floor apartment, and I am so glad it’s over. I think I’ll stay put for three years at least, just because I hate the process of moving.

An easy transition

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It was well documented that I was worried about how I would handle the transition to living alone, emotionally. Change, especially physical change, is really super duper hard on me. When I moved into the dorms as a freshman in college, I was severely homesick for the entire nine months I lived on campus, so much so that I went home every weekend. I also struggled pretty awfully last year when I moved in with Roomie. So, I figured I would also have a hard time with this move and prepared myself for that as much as I could. Well, for reasons I still don’t understand, aside from a rough first night in the apartment, I transitioned pretty smoothly. By my second night, I was feeling pretty good and didn’t have any feelings of anxiety or fear about my new living situation. Mostly, I was just excited about the fact that I get to have my own space and reap all the benefits of living alone.

Cutting cable

I love TV. A lot. My old roommate was actually impressed at how full I could get our DVR during the busy TV season. But when I moved, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to have cable and a DVR because it’s just too expensive for one person. (I was quoted around $160 for cable/DVR/Internet, yikes.) Instead, I opted for an Internet-only package and told myself I would have to learn to live without cable. And truthfully, it’s been pretty easy to live without it! I have Netflix and have toyed with the idea of adding on Hulu Plus or Amazon Prime (but haven’t felt the need for either just yet). I have a digital antenna so I can watch broadcast channels as needed. And it just feels good to cut the cable cord. I used to feel so much guilt if I wasn’t caught up on certain shows and I’ve never been one to sit down and binge on TV all day. It feels good to not have my full DVR mocking me every time I turn on my TV.

All of the birthdays

September is a month that is filled with birthdays. My brother turned 30 and it’s just weird that we are in this stage of life now. Solidly adults. He’s got a wife and two kids; I’ve got a dog. We are definitely not kids anymore, though we still like to bicker like we are. 🙂 My nephew turned 8 and that’s also weird. He’s solidly a kid now. He’s reading and writing and can even play games like Trivial Pursuit (the kid’s version, of course). It’s wild. My stepdad and a few of my friends also celebrated birthdays, so it was quite the month!

Odds and ends

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Other happenings in September: I read a ton of books, 12 in total, most of which were romance. I put in a lot of hours freelancing, finishing up some website content for two clients and signing on a brand-new client for regular monthly content. I decided to embrace a bold bang cut and I go back and forth on whether or not I love it immensely or just completely hate it. And Dutch is doing well. He loves his new home, most especially because he has so much grass to sniff and jump around in.

September was good to me, it was so good to me. I thought the transition to living alone would be hard, but it’s been exactly the opposite. If anything, it’s showed me how ready I was for this next phase of my life and how much I love being alone. It’s truly a sensational feeling.

Catch me up on YOUR lives! What’s been going on?