I haven’t been myself lately.
My mind has been racing. My mind is always racing but I feel like I’m losing my grip on myself. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. My career path, once so clearly defined, has blurred. I get tired more easily and dealing with my problems feels overwhelming.
Sometimes, life kicks you right in the face and it’s when you’re flat on your back, staring up at the sky that you realize You Are Not Okay. A boy says incredibly mean, untruthful, and hurtful things that break your heart but at the same time, make you question everything you have ever thought about yourself AND want to kick his ass. (Yes. All three emotions at once.)
From there, mistakes happen at work and the stresses from life and simply being weigh you down.
I can feel myself shutting down emotionally. Putting up my guards and locking everything down. Feelings can’t escape, which feels safer. Something I can control. Until it becomes too much. Too many feelings. Too much sadness. It can’t escape and I can’t describe it to anyone. I just withdraw even further.
I need a break. I need a break from all the noise. I’ve wanted to take a complete break from social media and blogging for a while now. I take days and weekends off, but I’ve been intrigued by taking a complete month-long sabbatical. To slow down and stop needing to constantly scroll through my Twitter stream or keep my blog updated three times a week. To lessen the noise. To get down and dirty with journaling, soul-searching, and discovering what it means to truly love myself.
A few days ago I wrote a tweet to the effect of: “New plan: Stop questioning myself. Live life on my own terms. Be more badass.” I want to be more badass. I feel as if I’m living a half-life, letting little things trip me up and other peoples’ opinions of me affect me too much. Being badass means understanding who I am and loving myself in spite of all my failings, shortcomings, and fears. It means being okay with my imperfect self and unleashing my power onto the world. Believing in myself and never letting a boy who knows nothing about me have the power to hurt me.
I plan on using the next month to fully dive into Fierce Love course, to do more writing for myself, and to completely disconnect from my online persona. I plan on taking a break from checking my OK Cupid profile and discovering what I am really seeking from a relationship. And I plan on learning what it means to just be.
I hope to come back in September more refreshed and happier with myself. I know my entire life won’t have changed, but I also know I need this break to center myself and figure out what I’m searching for and how to chase after it.
I have one book review scheduled for Wednesday but after that, this blog will remain quiet for the rest of August. I will still be responding to emails and perhaps lurking on some of my favorite blogs. As far as #twookclub goes, I will still be handling the monthly poll and book chat. The Twitter feed just might be a little quieter than usual.