Stephany Writes

Six Small Goals for July

Well, June is over and it wasn’t exactly successful when it comes to my goals. However, June was difficult. It’s always a hard month because my dad’s birthday is on the fifth and then there’s Father’s Day to contend with, so it brings up a lot of emotions in me. Coupled with a major depressive episode for the majority of the month and… well, my goals weren’t at the front of my mind for most of the month. Ah, well. I tried my best! Here’s how I did on my June goals:

1) Lose 5 lbs. I lost 3 lbs in June, which means I didn’t make my goal of losing 5 lbs, but I did make some progress. And I’m going to choose to be happy about that.

2) Make a file on my computer with my mom and stepdad’s engagement and wedding pictures. Guys! I finally did this. And I’m in the process of putting together her wedding album now. I may actually get this done before the end of the year! Who knew?!

3) Make a therapy appointment. Well, I emailed two therapists, does that count? One of them never responded to my email. The other emailed me back, asking me to call her, but she didn’t leave her number. Which means I need to search to find it myself. It’s not a difficult step, but it’s still a step I have to take and I just haven’t made the time to do it. After the depressive episode I had in June, combined with some relationship stuff I’m working out, I know I need therapy more than ever, but man if the process of finding a therapist isn’t incredibly taxing.

4) Write 2,000 words a week in my novel. Nope. I had a rough time with fiction writing in June, so I only managed to write about 1,000 to 1,500 words a week.

5) Spend less than $150 on eating out/entertainment. Oof, no. This was a spend-y month, and I went over by about $50. I really need to get this section of my budget under control, especially as it relates to eating out!

6) Spend an afternoon at my pool. Nope. WOMP. The easiest goal on my list and I couldn’t get it done. Ugh. I even planned to have a fun pool day with my mom last weekend, and we got rained out.

One goal completed out of six! Eeps. I hope that July is a much more successful month for me because I need to see some momentum with my monthly goals. Here’s what I’m planning for July:

1) Design and order my mom’s wedding album. I’ll be really happy to get this done, so I can stop stressing about it! It’s been three years since her wedding, and that’s three years of this little task hanging over my head. (To be clear, my mom has not asked for a wedding album. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for her, so all the stress is self-induced.)

2) Leave positive ratings and reviews for 10 of my favorite podcasts. I am a voracious podcast listener, but I’ve never left any reviews for my faves. That needs to be remedied because I know ratings and reviews help them so much.

3) Add two extra writing sessions at Starbucks. I meet up with my friend M. once a week for two hours to write, and I’d like to add in two other two-hour writing sessions on my own. This feels much more doable than trying to write every day or something like that.

4) Schedule a therapy appointment. Back on the list. Let’s hope I can find a good therapist in July. Fingers crossed!

5) Have a no-spend week. I know that I can’t go completely no-spend in July, but I would like to attempt a no-spend week. Just seven days! I can do seven days!

6) Visit a new-to-me nature preserve. We have a bunch of nature preserves all around the Tampa Bay area, and I’d like to start visiting more of them because moving my body and being out in nature are helpful for my anxiety disorder.

What’s something you’d like to accomplish in July?

Linking up with Feel Good, Dress Better’s Small Goals linkup. 

A Recap of June

In June, I…

  • Blew another tire on the highway. This would mark the second time in seven months that I’ve experienced a tire blow-out on my way to work. I have to drive across a very busy highway to get to work, and something like this is never an expected thing. Thankfully, I was able to get the spare put on and then drove straight to a tire shop to get a new tire. Ever since this happened, though, I have anxiety as I merge onto the highway, worried that another tire is going to blow.
  • Puppy-sat for my fur-brother. My mom and stepdad took a pre-anniversary trip in early June, which meant I got to spend a whole week with Chip. It was a ton of fun, even though he is a lot of work because he’s only three months old and busy, busy, busy! But it was nice to have a dog to come home to every day and spend time with. He makes my heart so happy!
  • Had a fancy dinner date at Bern’s Steakhouse. Our dinner was definitely an experience and one I’m so glad I did not miss! We had a delicious dinner and the steak I had was to die for. After dinner, we took a tour of the kitchen and wine cellar. Then, we went to their dessert room for dessert! I got an iced coffee that was so perfectly made and then a salted caramel brownie. I left feeling very full, and definitely like I got my money’s worth.
  • Successfully organized a group event. My team leader put me in charge of organizing a group outing for our team, and even though I was not sure I was the right person for the job, I pulled it off somehow. I had to gather ideas, decide on what event to do based on those ideas, come up with a time and place, etc. It was a lot! But it all worked out beautifully and all but one team member made it out. We ended up going to a local escape room, which was a total blast. It’s my third time doing an escape room and I can’t recommend them enough. My team (all women, yasss) escaped with five minutes to spare, so we were pretty thrilled!
  • Made it through a rough depressive episode. It’s not the first time I’ve had a depressive episode, but it’s the first time I actually sat with myself and said, “You’re depressed right now. That’s what this is.” I’ve never actually named it. But the intense sadness, the feeling of overwhelm by doing the simplest tasks, the need to be alone all the time, losing interest in some of my favorite activities… it was depression through and through. There were moments when I didn’t know if I was going to make it out because I was so suffocated by my depression, but I did.
  • Got my underarms waxed for the first time. My mom has been telling me for years to get my underarms waxed, ever since she started getting it done. I didn’t see the point in paying someone to do something I could do myself, but lately, I haven’t felt like I’ve been able to get a close-enough shave on my own (and also, I’m very lazy and hate shaving) so I bit the bullet and got it done. It hurt more than I was expecting, but I’m also a straight-up baby when it comes to pain. But I’m really happy with the results!
  • Saw two movies. I am not a movie-goer by nature, but I ended up in the theater twice this month. I saw Book Club and then Ocean’s 8 with my friends, and we went to a new-to-me theater called Studio Movie Grill where you order dinner to eat while watching the movie! I’ve been to Cinebistro in Tampa that has a similar concept, but it’s so much more expensive. A ticket alone can be as much as $18! And then the food is overpriced as well. Studio Movie Grill has normal-priced movie tickets and a much better menu for my taste. I’m a fan!

In July, I will…

  • Celebrate my mom’s birthday. I’m hoping to take her to Painting with a Twist one day this month for her birthday present. She’s been wanting to do one of these events for a while, and I think it would make the perfect mom/daughter date night!
  • Spend a weekend at Anna Maria Island. I mentioned on Friday that my girlfriends and I are planning to spend a weekend here, renting out a beach house. I’m really looking forward to it!
  • Pay off my car. YASSSS. Finally, finally, finally. I cannot wait to finally have my car fully paid off so that I can allocate that money to my other debts. Even though I wish I could have a fancy new car with all the bells and whistles they come with nowadays (I dream of Bluetooth), I am hoping my little toaster on wheels can keep on truckin’ for another few years at least.

What’s something good that happened in your life in June?

What I’m Reading (7.2.18)

Happy Monday, friends! This is going to be a weird week for me because the Fourth of July holiday falls on a Wednesday. I’m not taking any time off before or after the holiday, so I’m working for two days, off for a day, and then working for two days. Anyone else doing this weird schedule this week?!

I had a great reading week because I finished a book that is now in the running as my favorite book of the year. We’ll see if anything I read in the second half of 2018 can beat it out, but it’s going to be difficult. The book was so good and I want everyone I know to read it.

Books Finished

Title: 1984
Author: George Orwell
Published: 1949
Format: e-book
Rating: ★★★☆☆

Plot Summary: The year is 1984 and London is a totalitarian society, a place where Big Brother is always watching you and the Thought Police can read your mind. Winston Smith is a man who resists what he’s been told and is drawn into a secret society called The Brotherhood, along with his love interest Julia.

My Thoughts: It’s crazy to me that George Orwell wrote this book in 1949 and that so many things he wrote about in a fictionalized version of society have resonance today. It’s terrifying, really. I really think this is a book that should be required reading, especially right now, because it really makes you realize just how important resistance is. I found 1984 to be fascinating in all respects, although there were certain parts of the novel that felt like a slog and I felt like I had to power through to get to the “good” parts.

Title: The Kiss Quotient
Author: Helen Hoang
Published: 2018
Format: Hardcover
Rating: ★★★★★

Plot Summary: Stella is a 30-year-old woman who has Asperger’s and has had very little success in the dating and sex department. So, she hires Michael, an escort, to help her get better at it.

My Thoughts: This book gave me all of the feelings. It was perfect in every way, and it is the only book that ranks all the way up there with The Hating Game as one of my all-time favorite romances. It’s the kind of book that I immediately wanted to reread when I finished it, and I’ve spent the whole weekend in a funk because I’m so sad that Stella and Michael aren’t in my life anymore. I could relate to Stella more than I thought I would (which is a blog post for another time…) and I loved how kind and patient Michael was with her. There truly aren’t enough novels with autistic main characters, and the way the author intertwined Stella’s autism with the story was beautifully done. It wasn’t the main focus of the novel, nor was it a point that was brought up time and time again. Stella was just… Stella. She’s an autistic woman, but that’s not the only thing about her. The love story between Stella and Michael gave me every happy feeling and I’ll leave you with this line from the book that nearly had me bawling at the sweetness of it: “Michael was mint chocolate chip for her. She could try other flavors, but he’d always be her favorite.”

Book Abandoned

Fool Me Once by Katee Robert – This novel was just not for me. The writing was pretty terrible and the plot didn’t seem to make very much sense. I also felt that the two main characters were one-dimensional and there was no real chemistry between them to make their love story work. This book really showed me how much Robert’s writing has improved over the years because I’ve read her more recent novels and the writing is so much better. I’ll stick to her new stuff from now on.

What I’m Reading This Week

  • The Cruelest Month by Louise Penny – This is the third book in the Armand Gamache series, and I’m so glad I’m finally getting around to it! There’s something about Three Pines that just brings me such comfort and happy feelings. (Even though, damn, for such a quiet, idyllic community, there are a lot of murders. Ha.)
  • A Hope Divided by Alyssa Cole – I just started this historical romance yesterday! Alyssa Cole is one of my new favorite romance authors, and her voice is much needed in the white-saturated space of romance.
  • The Strongest Steel by Scarlett Cole – Once I finished A Hope Divided, I’m onto a new romance author. I can’t remember where I heard of Scarlett Cole, but she’s been on my list of “romance authors to check out” for awhile so fingers crossed she’s a good one to add to my arsenal.
  • Heads in Beds by Jacob Tomsky – This is my nonfiction audiobook pick for July, which I started yesterday. It’s a insider’s view of the hospitality industry and Tomsky has a really fun writing style.

What are you reading this week?

Currently in June

Loving… melatonin. I started having insomnia early in June, around the time I was experiencing a particularly brutal depressive episode. Sleep usually comes easily for me, so this insomnia was a very unpleasant visitor! I decided to take matters into my own hands and picked up a bottle of melatonin at the grocery store. I take a 3mg dose and it works wonders for me. I fall asleep easily, stay asleep, and wake up feeling good. God bless you, melatonin.

Loathing… the news, so I’m not paying attention to it right now. Can I do that because I’m in a privileged position? Yup. But the news has been so depressing and so heartbreaking lately that I had to protect my mental health. So, I decided to take a month off. A month off from episodes of Pod Save America, a month off from the news-y email newsletters I get, a month off from constantly reading the news and getting defeated. I had to, or I was going to go crazy. It’s too much for me right now. This administration is sickening. And I needed to step away. I am so glad I did.

Watching… Big Brother! The summer is upon us, friends, and with that comes the only show I watch in real-time. Big Brother is completely ridiculous and I recognize that, but I just can’t quit it. I love that it’s on three days a week and that I can get completely consumed by the people and the backstabbing and the competitions. Bring it on!

Listening to… Jen Gotch is OK Sometimes. I’ve been following Jen Gotch for a while, and I love how open and honest she is about her mental illness. I mean, I started following her the day she was filming herself through a panic attack at an airport! There was something refreshing about it. Not too many people are taking you on the day-to-day journey of what it’s like to struggle with mental illness. So, of course, once Jen said she was starting a podcast, I immediately subscribed. I am really, really loving it. It’s not a polished, perfect thing, but that’s the beauty in it. It’s real. It’s honest. It’s a must-listen for anyone who struggles with mental illness, or for people who want to better understand mental illness.

Anticipating… a weekend trip to Anna Maria Island. I’m taking the trip with my girlfriends, and we rented a house right by the beach. It’ll be a fun, relaxing weekend full of books, silly games, inside jokes, and plenty of naps. 🙂 We know how to travel well together.

Grateful for… a new freelancing assignment. Woo, boy, did it come at the right time. I’ve been a little stressy about money lately because I’ve had several expensive car repairs and have to come up with money for my upcoming vacation ($200 for the rental house, and who knows how much for food and activities). Argh! It feels like I can never get ahead with my finances, sometimes. Thankfully, my car will be paid off next month and that will free up over $200 in my budget. Thank the Lord.

Needing… to make another appointment to get my vehicle inspected. The service center I took it to last week told me my car was fine and no repairs or replacements were necessary. And I find that really hard to believe, especially with the way it’s been driving lately. Honestly, I think they only checked the battery, brakes, and tires – all of which have been replaced within the last six months. I wish I would have clarified with the service center but hello, social anxiety. I couldn’t get the words out. Sigh. I think I need to get a second opinion about the car, and I’m going to take her to a local mechanic to get a real inspection and make sure I clarify what parts of my car I want inspected (i.e., the belts, the fluids, spark plugs, etc.) Also, I realize what a boring paragraph this is. You’re welcome?

What are you currently watching and anticipating? 

Book Review: A Storied Life by Leigh Kramer

I should have known that I would have complicated feelings about A Storied Life by Leigh Kramer, but for some reason, it didn’t cross my mind. You see, two-and-a-half years ago, I lost my beloved grandma to cancer. Unlike the grandma in this novel, she had been fighting for eight years before her body just couldn’t handle it anymore. But even though I had more time to grapple with losing her and even though I never really saw her lose sense of who she was, it was still incredibly hard to read this novel and remember the last month of my grandma’s life – the surgery that removed one of her lungs, the recovery, the pneumonia, and then the week she spent on life support where the whole family had to come to terms with losing her.

When this novel begins, Olivia learns that her grandma, and the only person in her large family who truly gets her, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has just months to live. To top it all off, Olivia is named her Power of Attorney for Healthcare, which means she’ll be the one to make all of her grandma’s medical decisions once Gram no longer has the ability to do so. It sparks an outrage in her family because Olivia is the “black sheep” in a sense. While everyone else works at the family bank, she owns an art gallery. And because of this act of defiance, she is a bit ostracized in her family. Her uncles don’t really like her and her cousins don’t really understand her. Her only saving grace in her family is her grandma, who has always encouraged her passion for painting and art in general.

Throughout the novel, we see the cracks in her family dynamic, from an uncle who doesn’t believe she can handle being a Power of Attorney to an aunt who gossips about Olivia’s decisions to everyone who will listen. And we also see how Olivia handles it all. She’s not used to having such an influential role in the family, but she handles it with grace and gumption because she cares for her grandma deeply and wants her to have the best care in the last months of her life.

And, don’t worry, this novel is not all about the sad and heart-wrenching nature of watching a loved one die. There’s also a sweet love story intertwined, between Olivia and a new artist who comes to her gallery to have his work shown, Reagan. The scenes between Olivia and Reagan were some of my favorites, from Olivia taking him to a Chicago White Sox game to Reagan lovingly coercing her to paint again. But there is a complicated nature to their relationship because of what Olivia is going through. The timing is all wrong for their relationship, and I loved the way the author explored that idea: maybe timing isn’t everything when it comes to relationships. Maybe when you find the right person, your person, the timing doesn’t matter.

All in all, I was seriously impressed by this debut novel and I found the writing to be exquisite. As an aspiring writer myself, I found myself highlighting different passages and loving the way she strung together sentences. It wasn’t in an over-the-top, trying-too-hard-to-be-literary way. It was in a beautiful, I-wish-I-could-write-like-this-ughhhhhh way. It’s a book that will appeal to those who love a good fiction novel that explores deep issues of the human condition, most especially death and grief.

And because I want to be honest in my review, I will say that it felt like the book slightly fell apart near the end. There was a scene involving Olivia and Reagan that didn’t totally ring true to life for me, and it felt a little forced. As if the author wanted to sneak in a “dark moment” with their romance when there really wasn’t a reason for that at all. Another issue I had was with some of the scenes involving Olivia and her family because there were some confrontations that felt a little over the top. Now look, I understand complicated family dynamics more than anyone. I do not have a strong relationship with many of my extended family members and often feel like a “black sheep” among them, and I’m fine with that. I don’t need a “come-to-Jesus” moment with them; it is what it is. And I think that’s the way it is for a lot of families and that’s okay. The ending of this novel tried a little too hard to tie up every loose end and making everything a bit too neat, when that’s not how life works at all. There’s a messiness to life and family that could have been explored, and I was a bit let down that it wasn’t.

However, even with those missteps, I still found this book to be an altogether fascinating read and one I would recommend to those who enjoy a good fiction novel that has a serious bend to it. I found Olivia to be a great character to follow, and I truly enjoyed her and could relate to the bond between her and her grandma.

Goodreads Synopsis:

“Live your own story. Make every moment count.”

Olivia Frasier grew up under the guidance of her grandmother’s mantra: “Live a storied life.” The oft-repeated words gave her the courage to pursue art instead of working at the family bank until a mistake made in college altered the course of her life. Now, no one knows Olivia still paints. Not her friends. Not her staff at the art gallery. Certainly not her family.

She can ignore the twinge of unease, the regret that surfaces when Gram’s mantra comes to mind, the question of whether this is all life has to offer.

When Gram announces she has terminal cancer—and names Olivia as her Power of Attorney for Healthcare—Olivia is thrust in to the world of hospice and dying wishes. Olivia may be the family’s black sheep but she is determined to see Gram through this, no matter the cost.

Faced with losing the one person on her side, Olivia clings to the knowledge that Gram’s death will finally allow her to walk away from the family. And yet Gram is determined to impart one last lesson: let go of the past so she can live the life she’s meant to lead.

When Reagan walks into her art gallery, the timing couldn’t be worse. He’s everything Olivia ever dreamed of wanting but she has learned to settle for less when it comes to her relationships and career. At what point does owning your story outweigh the potential hurt?

Weaving together grief and beauty, humor and romance, A Storied Life will make you rethink life, love, and loss.

You can connect with Leigh Kramer on her website, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Her book is available to buy from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound. 

Click here to add this book to Goodreads!

I received a copy of this novel for free from the author in exchange for an honest review. All words and opinions, unless otherwise stated, are my own.

No affiliate links were used in this post.

What I’m Reading (6.25.18)

Hello friends and happy Monday. I had a really great weekend and I am gearing up for a very busy week. I have deadlines on deadlines at work, as well as some fun social plans, like going to see Ocean’s 8 with my girlfriends and watching the season premiere of Big Brother with my mom. Don’t you worry, though. I’ll be sneaking in as much reading time as possible. 🙂

Last week, I finished three books, but I’m only going to be talking about two here. The third one, A Storied Life, will get its own review on Wednesday, so stay tuned for that!

Books Finished

Title: Running Blind
Author: Cindy Gerard
Format: Library e-book
Published: 2015
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: When Jamie and Rhonda are tasked to take on a high-stakes security mission together, the sexual tension that has been brewing between them becomes too much to resist.

My Thoughts: This wasn’t my favorite book by Gerard because it got off to a slow start and I wasn’t quite sure if I even liked either heroes at first. There was this distance between me and them, so it was hard to really grasp their internal motivations. And the first 50% of the book was pretty slow, which is unusual for a Gerard book. Her books are usually pretty fast-paced from beginning to end, but for the first half of the book, I really didn’t know where it was going. When the book finally picked up, however, it didn’t slow down at all and I couldn’t put the book down for anything. I wish the book had had a bit more character development, but all in all, a pretty good romantic suspense novel.

Title: Final Girls
Author: Riley Sager
Format: Library audiobook
Published: 2017
Rating: ★★★★★

Plot Summary: Quincy is the sole survivor of a brutal massacre that happened while on vacation with friends when she was in college, and as such, she becomes a final girl. She becomes a media sensation, just like the two final girls before her – Lisa, who survived a massacre at a sorority house, and Sam, who survived a massacre during her shift at the Nightlight Inn. Quincy has built a life for herself in the ten years since, but then Lisa turns up dead and Sam shows up at her home. Sam is a force to be reckoned with, demanding Quincy relive that frightful night and spilling out so many truths and lies that Quincy doesn’t know what to believe anymore. Or if her memory of the night a decade ago is even real.

My Thoughts: Oh boy, oh boy. I loved this thriller so damn much! I don’t think I’ve been so shocked by the twists and turns a book has taken in a long, long time and I can tell you that Riley Sager knows how to deftly craft an incredibly complex novel. I listened to this book on audio and it was perfect. I never wanted to stop listening because I never knew what was going to happen next, which is the true sign of a great book because I can usually stop and start audiobooks easily. I loved Quincy and Sam’s push/pull dynamic because I honestly never knew who was telling the truth or what to believe. Highly recommend!

What I’m Reading This Week

  • 1984 by George Orwell – I have about 150 pages left of this classic sci-fi novel and I think the reason I am loving it so much is that it feels so terrifyingly real. I have highlighted so many passages that resonate with me, solely based on what has been happening in politics ever since the worst human became president.
  • Fool Me Once by Katee Robert – When I need a break from 1984, I’m reaching for this sweet contemporary romance. It’s a short book (under 200 pages) and not particularly well-written, but it’s a nice palate cleanser.
  • The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang – Once I finished 1984, I’m going to start the book I picked out from June’s Book of the Month (<– affiliate link) selections. I am so excited to dive into this one!

What are you reading?

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Sometime this week, when I was scheduling a post for this blog, I came across an old feature of mine: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. The last time I posted one of these was 2015, so I figured today was as good as any to bring this back into the rotation!

Yesterday, I…

  • Woke up early to work out, which was a great way to start my day. I haven’t been to the gym in a long time. Instead, I’ve been doing a short 30-minute walk around my apartment and then some strength-training exercises. I’m definitely contemplating canceling my gym membership because I really only use it for spin classes, but only two classes work with my schedule and if I don’t remember to sign up the minute signups become available, I’m SOL. They’re at popular times (Friday morning and Saturday morning) and have only 20 bikes available, so it’s hard to get in!
  • Worked from home, which meant I got to have some quality time with my fur-brother, Chip. He keeps me on my toes, but man if he doesn’t put me in the best mood. He’s just so sweet and fun!
  • Had dinner with my mom! We went to a yummy Italian restaurant and I filled up on bread and salad, oops. Just means I have leftovers for dinner tonight!

Today, I…

  • Was not planning on having a bagel (my work generously gets bagels for everyone on Fridays), but alas, I don’t think I can abstain. I need those carbs!
  • Have an appointment at a service center to get my car looked at. I haven’t had any sort of multi-point inspection in probably 30,000 miles, which is not a good thing considering my car’s an old lady that just hit 110,000 miles. I am just crossing my fingers and toes she’s not in need of any costly repairs!
  • Will probably take a nap, depending on how long my car takes to be inspected. I am probably not going to schedule any repair work today, so hopefully it won’t take up too much of my afternoon. I need my Friday afternoon nap!

Tomorrow, I…

  • Have a hair appointment! It won’t be anything fancy, just going to get the color touched up and a trim. So boring, when I compare it to my last two hair appointments where I chopped off all my hair and went blonde, and then went back to brown.
  • Am going to get a pedicure with my mom! She’s treating me to the pedicure, as part of thanking me for watching Chip while she was on vacation, so I’m thrilled about that. What a day of pampering I have ahead of me! (Man, should I schedule a massage for the morning!? Ha.)
  • Will get to see my brother and older nephew for game night! It’s been a fairly long time since I’ve seen either of them, and we are more than overdue for a game night. Let’s hope it doesn’t end in tears, like it did the last time all four of us got together. Whew. Emotions are high when you’re nine! (Or 30. Let’s be real here. Emotions are always high for me, ha.)

Tell me something you did yesterday, did today, and are doing tomorrow!

My Junk Financial Beliefs

A few months ago, The Financial Diet published a post titled, Why You Need to Clean Out Your Junk Financial Beliefs (& How to Start), which really got the wheels churning in my head. TFD is a hit-or-miss publication for me because I find that a lot of the writers are immensely privileged and it’s hard to relate to a lot of their articles. But this one… this one really hit home for me and had me combing through my own belief systems, the way I was raised, and how it all affects the way I view my finances today.

As many of you know, I grew up poor and this was mostly due to the fact that my dad had a rather significant gambling problem. Without it, we could have lived a fairly comfortable middle-class existence, but as it was, we struggled to make ends meet on my mom’s preschool teacher salary. My dad’s paycheck (and sometimes, some of my mom’s…) was used to fund his gambling addiction. So, I grew up on free school lunches, eviction notices, and that survivor mindset. In my family, wealth was not something to strive for. Making it to the next paycheck without the lights getting turned off was. Things like 401ks, savings, and investments were not in the conversation. The biggest vacation we took as a family was when we went to Ohio. My dad drove the 1,200 miles from Clearwater to Toledo, and we stayed with relatives.

So all this to say… I have a lot of junk financial beliefs. I have had to work through a lot of shit, and I’m still working through it because it’s only been in recent years that I’ve been able to feel like I’m finally getting a good handle on my money. But I still fall prey to my junk financial beliefs, so let’s talk about them, shall we?

Deep breaths. I’m about to get real personal about these.

Junk Financial Belief #1: Working a second job is beneath me.

I’m not talking about having a side hustle, like freelance writing. I’m talking about getting a second job, usually in the retail space. Whether that’s working at the local Starbucks or the mall, I cannot bring myself to “lower myself” to get a second job, even though I know I could pay down my student loans so much faster if I did that, not to mention I could have a bit of breathing room in my budget. But there’s something about doing that that feels like defeat. I’m a college graduate! I have a full-time job! I shouldn’t have to also work a second job. (Yeah, I have a bit of that millenial entitlement going for me, I guess.)

If I did get a second job, it would solely be to pay off my student loans faster and build up my savings. Which means I would only have to work said job for a handful of years. It wouldn’t be forever, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It would significantly eliminate my free time, and I’m not willing to give that up. I also think it would affect my mental health because part of my self-care routine involves lots of sleep and alone time. That’s partially why I haven’t tried harder to find more freelancing opportunities; it takes a lot of my mental energy – mental energy that’s already at a more limited capacity than most people.

Junk Financial Belief #2: I will always struggle with money.

I have a scarcity mindset when it comes to my finances. I never feel like I’ll ever have enough money, even though I actually do. I’m able to pay my bills, put food on the table, go on vacation. But I don’t save as much as I would like, I have credit card debt, and I always feel as if I’m working at a deficit when it comes to my budget. And it all feels very natural to me to have this unhealthy relationship to my finances. That’s the way I was raised, always fearing that one bill that could turn our world upside down, and that’s the way I live today, even though I don’t need to.

This belief about struggling with money has deep roots in my past, but also my present because most of my family also struggles with money to this day. And there’s this part of me that feels selfish when I think about not struggling – do I really deserve that feeling of peace and fulfillment when it comes to money? Have I earned it?

It’s a lot to think about. I know I deserve that peace. I know my family members also deserve that peace. And I know it ultimately comes down to getting honest about my budget, eliminating the things that are holding me back from ultimate financial freedom, and allowing myself to claim a sense of ownership over my own money situation.

Junk Financial Belief #3: Extra money is supposed to be spent, not saved.

Growing up, having extra money was like finding a unicorn on the side of the road. As in, we almost never had it. I still don’t know how my parents afforded Christmas gifts, but I suspect it was a very stressful time for my mom. Savings wasn’t part of my lexicon growing up, and it’s only been in recent years that I’ve realized that having a well-funded savings account is something I need. It’s not something that would be nice-to-have, but it’s something that would allow me to stop depending on my credit card when emergencies arise (like, say, if my tire blows out one morning on the highway).

I’m getting better at this, but I can’t lie. Sometimes when I log on to my banking account and see that I have more money sitting in my checking account than I thought… it’s hard not to immediately place an order on Thriftbooks or start perusing the Old Navy website. It’s a mindset shift, but I know that the pleasure of seeing four figures in my savings account will far outweigh the pleasure of getting that shipment notification in my email inbox.

Junk Financial Belief #4: It’s normal to use credit cards to buy the things you want.

Oy vey. This has been a belief that I’ve been working on dismantling for years now. It’s the whole “buy now, pay later” mindset, and it’s a very popular one. I know I’m not the only one who has fallen into this trap. It started when I was given my first credit card at the tender age of 18. It had a $500 limit and I used it responsibly. I paid it off every month, using it to buy new items for my dorm room. Then, during my sophomore year of college, I stood in front of an Old Navy store, thinking about how I just really wanted some new clothes for summer, but I didn’t have the money to do so. I was talked into applying for an Old Navy credit card, and my jaw about hit the floor when I was approved and told my limit was $2,500. Within a year, that card was maxed out and I had no way to pay even the minimum payment. Eventually, I worked out a payment plan and paid off that card. But I never lost the shame attached to maxing out a credit card during the first year of my twenties, effectively ruining my credit. I had always told myself I was going to be better about my finances than my parents were, and here I was, my first time out as an adult, and I fucked it up royally.

That card is when I got into this mindset of buying now, paying later. And while I have worked hard to dispel myself of this… I have to constantly fight against myself. For example, just a few weeks ago, I spent an entire evening on ThredUp, throwing shirt after shirt into my cart and telling myself I “needed” these shirts because the dress code at work had recently changed. I didn’t have the money in my checking account, so I told myself I would put it on my credit card and “next paycheck, I’ll really get serious about my budget.” (<— anyone else do this? Sigh.) Thankfully, I came to my senses before I spent any money. I had to remind myself that if I don’t have money in my checking out, I don’t have money. It’s a mantra I have to constantly repeat to myself because it’s so easy to get caught up in buying things and putting it on credit. Part of it has to do with growing up poor and spending the first half of my twenties poor. I couldn’t buy things, ever, so now that I have the ability to, it’s so much harder to resist my impulses. But I’m trying and it starts by dispelling this financial belief that I can buy whatever I want using my credit card.

Honestly, I could probably write another 1,500 words on other junk financial beliefs I have, but I think this post has gotten too long already (maybe I’ll write a Part II in the future). These are some of my bigger ones, and it’s not easy to come clean about all of this. But it’s important. It’s important to talk about money and open up about the way our past has defined our present. It doesn’t mean I still abide by these beliefs or that I’ve thrown in the towel. No – I am actively working on dismantling them, so that I can have that elusive financial freedom sometime in the future. That’s all I can ask of myself.

Your turn! Tell me one junk financial belief of your own.

What I’m Reading (6.18.18)

Happy Monday, friends. Last week was a doozy for me. Taking care of a three-month-old puppy is no joke, and it lent very little time for blogging or reading. Even so, I managed to finish two books because even in a busy season, I always, always make time for reading, even if it’s only for a few minutes right before bed. Here’s what I finished last week:

Books Finished

Title: Beauty and the Mustache
Author: Penny Reid
Format: Library e-book
Published: 2014
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: Ashley hasn’t been home to Tennessee in eight years, but a family tragedy forces her back home and back to her six brothers. While home, Ashley is introduced to Drew and neither of them can tamp down the instant attraction between them. But her life is in Chicago while his is in the mountains of Tennessee – is this just a recipe for disaster?

My Thoughts: I think the reason I loved this book so much was because it heavily featured the brothers from Penny Reid’s Winston Brothers series, and I adore them. They are so well-written and well-characterized, and it was nice to get Ashley’s story because, while she’s been featured in the books in that series, I never knew exactly her origin story nor how she and Drew got together. I didn’t find the romance in this book as compelling as I wanted it to be, but it really took a backseat to the bigger plot that was Ashley and her brothers losing their beloved mother to cancer. This was so heartbreaking, but the author did a great job of conveying all of the emotions that come with this type of tragedy – because, truthfully, it’s not always about crying and feeling sad; it’s also about laughter and memories. It was beautifully written, and I loved that the romance didn’t overshadow that aspect until later in the book.

Title: Educated
Author: Tara Westover
Format: Library hardcover
Published: 2018
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: Tara Westover grew up in Idaho, living with her survivalist family and never receiving any sort of formal education. She’s sixteen when she decides to pursue academia and, in doing so, fights against everything her family has ever taught her.

My Thoughts: Oy, this book was made me so angry and I feel like this review may be all over the place. Bear with me. I was angry with Tara’s parents and the way they had no real regard for their kids’ safety. I was angry with the way Tara was gaslighted again and again and again by her own family. I was angry with the way Tara continually put herself in unsafe situations. I was angry with the way the Bible was used as a tool to torment and keep women down. So much anger. At times, I held the book in my hands and shook it because I could not believe some of the stuff I was reading. It was horrific and shocking and the fact that Tara didn’t have any sort of advocate in her family was sobering. She had to become her own advocate, and she became one due to academia. Academia is what saved her; it showed her that there’s a great big world out there, one that believes a woman can be more than a wife and mother, that Mormonism isn’t the only truth. This book was hard to read at times because it was just so heartbreaking to read everything Tara had to endure. It was also heartbreaking to read how she continually tried to find her place in her family in the years after she left home to pursue academia, even when it was obvious that being with them wasn’t the best place for her to be. She rose above what was expected of her, and the result is a woman who found her own inner strength to live her own truth, a truth that is so different from what she was told growing up. This book was both stunning and agonizing, and I encourage anyone to give it a read.

What I’m Reading This Week

  • A Storied Life by Leigh Kramer – I’m about halfway through this delightful story, and yep, it’s as good as I had imagined it would be. I’ll be writing a full review of this novel next week, so stay tuned for that!
  • Final Girls by Riley Sager – This is my fiction audiobook pick for the month of June, and I can’t remember the last time I was so invested in an audiobook! Usually, I’m not always excited to listen to my audiobook because it takes me away from my podcasts (and podcasts usually don’t require as much active listening as audiobooks), but with this compelling thriller, I kinda just want to forget about my podcast feed and binge through the entire book. It’s so good so far!
  • 1984 by George Orwell – Once I finish A Storied Life, it’s time for my second “classic” of the year. I picked 1984 because it’s one of those books everyone talks about, but I was never assigned to read it in school. Fingers crossed I enjoy it!
  • Running Blind by Cindy Gerard – I’m also going to pick up this romantic suspense novel from one of my faves. It’s been sitting in Overdrive for me for a couple of weeks now, so I need to read it before it expires! I’ll read this in between pages of 1984.

What are you currently reading?

What I’m Reading (6.11.18)

Happy Monday, friends! I am puppysitting for my fur-brother this week and man oh man, puppies are exhausting! This little boy is keeping me on my toes, that’s for sure, and he’s not too keen on my attention being diverted with books. 😉 We’ll see how many books I can get through this week when my time is taken up with lots of walks and puppy playtime.

Last week, I finished two books and that’s about my average lately. I’m A-OK with that average, most definitely.

Books Finished

Title: Boy Erased
Author: Garrard Conley
Format: Library audiobook
Published: 2016
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: When Garrard Conley is outed to his parents at the age of 19, he is given an ultimatum: attend a conversion therapy program or risk being disowned by his family.

My Thoughts: What a harrowing story. My heart broke over and over again for everything Garrard went through from an early age through his time spent in this conversion program – and even afterward, as his emotional turmoil would last far beyond his time in the program. His story is told in brutal detail and with intense vulnerability; he truly doesn’t hold back and he well shouldn’t. Conversion therapy is a despicable thing and incredibly harmful. I can only imagine the amount of courage and bravery it took Garrard to tell his story. I highly, highly recommend this book.

Title: Dance with Me
Author: Alexis Daria
Format: e-book
Published: 2017
Rating: ★★★☆☆

Plot Summary: When Natasha comes home one day to find her apartment flooded and realizes she needs to move out temporarily while it gets fixed, she doesn’t know who to turn to. She doesn’t have enough money to afford a hotel room for an indeterminate amount of time and her best friend just moved across the country. So she accepts the offer from Dimitri, her sometimes-booty call and the man she can’t seem to quit, to stay at his home until her apartment is livable again on one condition: no sleeping together.

My Thoughts: I really, really loved Alexis Daria’s debut novel, Take the Lead, mostly because I enjoyed the main characters so much (Gina & Stone 4 Evah!). This one fell a little flat for me, mostly because I didn’t really love Natasha, nor did I agree with the message the author was trying to get across. In this novel, Natasha is a girl who has constantly leaned on her friends to the detriment of her own independence and now she’s deciding to stand on her own two feet. Okay, fine. That’s great. You do that, Natasha! But she tends to take it a little too far, to the point of avoiding her best friend’s phone calls because she doesn’t want to tell her that she’s screwed up and not allowing any of her other friends to know that she’s living with Dimitri and in a bit of a bind. That’s not what being independent is all about! Being independent is about solving your own problems and depending on yourself, while also recognizing that your friends are there to be a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, and a helping hand. I think Natasha finally comes around to understanding this, but it takes her nearly 90% of the book to realize it and it frustrated me a lot. The romance, however, between Natasha and Dimitri was hot, hot, hot and I was here for it! I loved watching the two of them interact, and I also loved that Dimitri wasn’t your typical male hero. He had some obvious faults (I mean, he’s a bit of a man whore…), but he also loved Natasha deeply and that’s all that really mattered.

What I’m Reading This Week

  • Educated by Tara Westover – I’m a little over 150 pages into this memoir that I’m reading for two book clubs. Whenever I can get both my book clubs to read the same book, I feel golden, haha. My work book club picked it as our June read and my local book club picked it as our July read, so two birds, one stone, etc. It’s okay so far, but not wowing me as I thought it would. I may have set my expectations too high.
  • Beauty and the Mustache by Penny Reid – My romance pick for this week! I’ve been on the Overdrive wait list for a really long time (so long that I nearly decided to just buy the dang e-book when I found out I was next in line!), so I’m glad it’s finally my turn. This one is fun because it combines two characters from two different series – her Knitting in the City and Winston Brothers series.
  • A Storied Life by Leigh Kramer – Yayyyy! I was stoked when I got the email from Leigh that I’m on her launch team to review her debut novel. I adore Leigh and I am so looking forward to sitting down with her novel. I have no doubt it will be a wonderful read!

What are you currently reading?