Stephany Writes

What I’m Reading (8.27.18)

Reading was a struggle last week. It was this weird feeling where I felt like I was fighting for every page I read. Reading felt… hard and boring, in a way. I was much less excited to reach for my books, preferring to scroll Instagram or play a game on my phone instead. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way, and I’m not really sure what caused it. I was busier, as I’m trying to finish up a freelance project and I’m attempting to walk 10,000 steps every day. So maybe it was just having a little bit more on my plate and needing my downtime to be less mentally focused. Who knows. But I honored this feeling as best as I could, knowing it would pass and I’d be back to voraciously consuming books.

Even still, I finished two books this week! But one of them was an audiobook that I only had an hour left in when Monday rolled around, ha.

Books Finished

Title: You’ll Grow Out of It
Author: Jessi Klein
Format: Library audiobook
Published: 2016
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: This book of essays by a female comedian explores many different topics of womanhood, from how to find good porn to dealing with fertility issues when you’re not even sure you want to have a child.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this essay collection from Klein. I don’t know of her work at all, but have had this book on my TBR list for awhile. I listened to it on audio and that was the perfect way to consume this book because Klein reads it herself and had me laughing out loud during some of her stories. She has a great voice and this book felt like I was sitting down with a funny friend to hear stories about her life. Highly recommend for a fun, easy read.

Title: A Princess in Theory
Author: Alyssa Cole
Format: Library e-book
Published: 2018
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: Thabiso, an African prince, has been betrothed to Naledi since birth. But then Naledi’s parents fled the country and she spent her life bumping from foster home to foster home after they died in a car accident not long after coming to America. But the time has come for Thabiso and Naledi to marry, so he flies to America to secure his bride.

My Thoughts: This novel was just pure fun, and I really loved both Naledi and Thabiso’s characters from the beginning. They had their own unique hangups that they needed to sort out before falling in love, but it all worked out perfectly. I will say that I think the author could have tightened up the beginning so that the ending could have been better fleshed out, because it felt like the ending came so suddenly that it gave me whiplash. All in all, though, a fantastic read and I can’t wait to read the next book in this fun series!

What I’m Reading This Week

  • Beartown by Fredrick Backman – I have a little more than 100 pages left in this novel and it is completely shattering my heart. It’s so beautiful and so tragic and so timely.
  • Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren – I started this romance over the weekend and it’s offering a nice light-hearted companion to Beartown. I flew through the first half of it in just two days.
  • My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante – Once I finish Beartown, I’m going to start this novel. I’m really not sure if it will be my cup of tea, but I’ll give it my usual 70-page try and hopefully it will surprise me!

What are you reading?

Five for Friday (v. 55)

1) Lately, I’ve been feeling embarrassed about my older car and wishing I had something new and flashier. I hate having these moments of embarrassment because it’s fine to have an older car. There’s nothing morally better about having a newer model, and my car drives just fine right now. And also, I just got it paid off and there’s no way in hell I want another car payment right now. But still, there’s the sense of embarrassment that my car is 13 years old and is nearing 125,000 miles and doesn’t have all the bells and whistles of newer cars. No Bluetooth or backup cameras or self-closing trunks. It’s old and slow. I’m trying to remind myself that a car is not a measure of financial stability. Those with newer cars aren’t better with their money than those with older cars. (In fact, it’s probably the opposite.) And this little old lady I’m driving is my first car, something I got on my own and paid off in full due to my own hard work. That’s something to be proud of.

2) I’ve been having a ton of anxiety when I’m driving on the highway. This is a problem since I have to drive on the highway to get to work. It usually appears right as I’m merging into traffic, which can often be a scary task for anyone with all of the cars flying by. And I know the anxiety is due to my recent highway snafus, with tire blowouts happening right during the morning rush hour. (The first tire blowout happened as I was merging, so there ya go.) I’ve never been a particularly fearful driver, which I know may seem crazy with how fearful I am about everything else in my life. It’s probably due to the defensive driving skills my dad taught me (hey, he was good for some things!) and I’m a pretty good driver as it is. So this highway anxiety is a new experience and I don’t like it at all. I’ve yet to have a straight-up panic attack, the kind where I have to pull over and calm myself down. But the signs are there – heavy breathing, racing heart, overheated body – and I have to take a lot of deep breaths and remind myself that I know what to do if something happens. I’ve done it twice already. I’m not really sure what more I can do to help myself through this anxiety, but I’d sure love for it to disappear any day now.

3) It looks like my days of wearing contacts are coming to an end. I had a feeling this was coming, due to my worsening astigmatism. I’ve had astigmatism for awhile now, probably since my early college days, and I used to have no issue with contacts. I wore toric lenses, which are specifically designed for those with astigmatism, and never had an issue. But over the past year, wearing contacts (especially at work) was growing more and more uncomfortable. The contact would move around in my eye and get stuck in a position that made my vision blurry. So I’d have to constantly put rewetting drops in my eyes and move the contact around to get my clear vision back. It’s really annoying, and I talked to my eye doctor about it at my last appointment and he agreed with my assessment that wearing contacts for everyday use is probably not the best thing anymore. For most people with astigmatism, the contact can move around a bit and they can still see fine. But when you have really bad astigmatism, one simple rotation and you suddenly can’t see at all, which is what I’ve been experiencing. So, I’m going to switch to wearing glasses most of the time (the main reason why I bought prescription sunglasses finally!) and getting daily contacts to use when I don’t want to wear glasses.

4) I’ve been thinking about the next place I want to travel to. I thought about planning another cruise for the spring of 2019, and I might still do that, but what I would really love to do is see the Grand Canyon. It’s one of those bucket list items for me, something I’ve always dreamed of. I think it’s time to make it happen for me next year. I haven’t spent a ton of time researching about taking a trip to the Grand Canyon, just did some digging about where to stay for a trip like this, but I think I might dive into the research and planning more deeply in the next few months. (And yes, I would like allllll of your recommendations because I don’t really know what I’m doing here.)

5) August 28th is the midterm primary for Florida, and for some reason, I requested a mail-in ballot for the first time ever. I don’t even know why because we have the option for early voting and voting on election day isn’t really that big of a deal for me. (I could always work from home that day.) But I got my ballot in the mail a few weeks ago and have let it sit on my counter since then. Realizing that election day is imminent, I finally opened it up only to discover I had waited too long to fill it out and would have to go to a physical location to drop it off. Still, it was nice to fill it out in the comfort of my home and take my time looking at each candidate and position and making an educated vote. And, since I’m dropping it off instead of mailing it in, I should still get an “I Voted” sticker and isn’t that the point of these elections? (Joking, of course.)

Where would you like to travel to next?

Why I Don’t Want to Work for Myself

I’ve been a blogger for about ten years now, which means I’ve been following people online for a really long time. It also means I’ve watched person after person quit their full-time job to work for themselves. It’s always touted as the “ideal” scenario because why would anyone want to work for a boss, have their schedule dictated by someone else, do work other people tell them to do? Isn’t being able to quit your job to work for yourself the ultimate freedom, the ultimate goal?

For me, the answer is an emphatic no.

I had what is called a quarter-life crisis in my mid-twenties, when I was working at an unfulfilling job and feeling completely lost and confused about what I wanted from my career. I had never been particularly career-minded, never one to dream about rising through the ranks at a corporation or getting that corner office. I never had aspirations for management. I just wanted to do work that felt fulfilling, something where my skills could shine.

And yet, as a painfully shy, socially anxious person, I was terrified of every little thing when it came to work. I was scared of messing up, of taking initiative, of speaking up in meetings. I didn’t really know what my skills even were, much less what position they would shine in.

That was around the time when it felt like everyone was starting online businesses. There were podcasts devoted solely to “solopreneurship” and “building a brand.” It seemed like the only way to enjoy your life was to have your own online business. There were life coaches and web designers and bloggers. They were shouting from the rooftops how freeing it is to own your own business, to not “work for the man,” to have your own schedule.

And it started to feel a little condescending.

Because, truly, what is so wrong about working for someone else? Why can you only love your life when you’re working for yourself?

I called bullshit on that real quick.

I knew the answer to finding fulfillment in my life wasn’t by quitting my job and starting my own business. It was by finding things that made me happy outside of work (exercise, reading, joining a book club, travel) and getting real serious about finding a new job. I still wasn’t sure what skills I had or what kind of job I wanted. All I knew was that my degree was in communications, I had some marketing experience, and I loved to write.

And that’s when it happened.

I found it. The job that fulfills me. The job that doesn’t give me Sunday Scaries. The job that doesn’t define who I am by any means, but just makes me feel good.

This week, I’m celebrating five years at this company and I really cannot believe it’s been half a decade. When I started at this position, I was so scared. It took me two-and-a-half days to even approach the break room! It took me a week to talk to a coworker who wasn’t my boss. It took me over a year to find a friend. But from the minute I started, I knew I was at the right place. Five years later, I still feel that way. I still love what I do.

I still love to “work for the man.”

However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it would mean to work for myself. I have. I’ve thought about being a full-time freelance writer, working on projects I sought out myself. I know it would take awhile to get there. I’d have to spend months, or maybe even years, writing in the nooks and crannies of my life. Early mornings, lunch breaks, evenings, weekends. I’d have to hustle hard and throw my entire self into the work.

Man, does that sound exhausting.

Perhaps fulfilling in some way. And, I can’t lie, the extra money would be rull nice. But mostly exhausting.

There’d be no time for myself. No time for reading. No time for exercise. No time for friends. No time for naps. (I’d really miss napping.)

It’s not worth it for me. That side hustle life is not for me.

Right now, I have one single freelance client. She sends me work when she needs it. Sometimes, that means I’m spending every weekend writing. Sometimes, that means I go months without hearing a peep from her. It’s the ideal scenario.

And there are major benefits to being employed by a company. Health insurance, for one. Taxes, for another. Knowing that my job is steady and I will get a paycheck for the same amount of money every other week. Meeting new people, having a reason to take a shower and get dressed every day. Not having to worry about work coming in – I just take what’s given to me and do it with a smile. I’m challenged in ways that fulfill me, not in ways that stress me out.

So, I take your “working for yourself is so freeing” and raise you a “so is working for someone else.” I don’t think working for yourself is any more freeing than working at a job that fulfills you. I think they both offer their own levels of freedom and autonomy. It’s all about how you choose to view it.

What I’m Reading (8.20.18)

What a weekend! Whew. I’m writing this post on Sunday evening, as I try to get my bearings with a new week on the horizon. This week will bring a viewing of Crazy Rich Asians with some work friends, my annual review at work, and lots and lots of writing as I work on a big freelance assignment.

Last week, I finished three books! But two of those were novellas, so they were super quick reads at under 150 pages. Here are my reviews:

Books Finished

Title: Never, Never: Part Two
Author: Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher
Published: 2015
Format: Paperback
Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Plot Summary: In Part Two of this trilogy, Silas wakes up with no memory but finds out that his girlfriend Charlie is missing and he needs to find her before time runs out.

My Thoughts: As much as I loved Part One of this series, Part Two was majorly disappointing! I’m on the fence if I even want to read Part Three, but since the books are so short (around 145 pages), I guess I’ll just finish it out to see what happens. I am interested to know why they have lost their memory! This book took some turns I wasn’t expecting and didn’t particularly enjoy, so blah.

Title: Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America
Author: Michael Eric Dyson
Published: 2017
Format: Library hardcover
Rating: ★★★★★

Plot Summary: Dyson doesn’t hold back in this book about race relations today and all the ways white privilege has paved the way for black indiginity. Short, impactful, and will leave you forever changed.

My Thoughts: I don’t even know how to accurately describe how incredible this book was, but it’s one I want to put in the hands of everyone I know. It’s a book that will make a lot of white people squirm, but damn do we need to squirm. Dyson really gets to the heart of race relations today and what it’s truly like to be black in America. He talks not only about the different times he’s been stopped by the police, but also about the times he’s been asked to leave churches and universities due to his more progressive views, views that not everyone is ready for. He writes honestly and poignantly about his life and about the ways white privilege and white fragility has infected our culture and made black people feel othered. There were so many quotes that just stopped me in my tracks because damn, does Dyson have a way with words. Please read this book. You won’t regret it.

Title: Ninja at First Sight
Author: Penny Reid
Published: 2015
Format: Library e-book
Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Plot Summary: In this novella, readers learn the origin story of Greg and Fiona, a married couple who are present in the first four books of the Knitting in the City series.

My Thoughts: I was told I *must* read this book before reading the fifth book in the Knitting in the City series because it gives greater context to Greg and Fiona’s story, as we learn how they got together. And… I just don’t get it? Maybe I will once I read that fifth book, but this felt like something that could have easily been incorporated into that book in flashback scenes. Also, I kinda hated this book solely on the fact that her mom was written outrageously awful. She tells her daughter, who had brain cancer a few years ago, that she’s “cutting her out of her life” if she goes away to college. Um, what? In what world does this make sense? I understand that the author wanted Fiona to have a troubled relationship with her mom, but that’s a little over the top and unrealistic.

Book Abandoned

The Duchess War by Courtney Milan – I abandoned this book at page 71 because it just wasn’t keeping my interest. I felt like the author was trying too hard to create a plucky heroine, but it just didn’t work for me. It was also just… boring. I didn’t feel any sense of excitement whenever I picked up the novel and I found my mind wandering when I was reading. Probably one of those “good for you, not for me” books.

What I’m Reading This Week

  • You’ll Grow Out of It by Jessi Klein – I have one hour left in this audiobook, and it’s been such a fun listening experience over the past week. It’s a book of essays written by a comedian, and those can generally be hit-or-miss for me, but I’ve actually found myself laughing through some of her stories!
  • Beartown by Fredrick Backman – I am less than 100 pages into this beautiful novel, and while I haven’t gotten to the meat of this story just yet, I can tell it’s going to be one I completely love. The writing is so beautiful and I’m reading this book slowly to soak in every word.
  • A Princess in Theory by Alyssa Cole – I’m reading this alongside Beartown and it’s a fun, light-hearted companion. It’s giving me Coming to America vibes, haha, but I don’t hate that. I love both the main characters and I’m excited to see how everything comes together!
  • Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren – Once I finish A Princess in Theory, I’m going to start this book! I was completely captivated by the first Christina Lauren novel I read (Roomies) and I hear this one is just as great.

What are you reading this week?

TGIF (v. 29)

The high of my week was receiving the clothes I ordered from Old Navy! After the disappointing ThredUp order (made even more disappointing when I found out they have a super strict return policy and I wouldn’t be able to return anything I got, ugh), I decided to place a small order at Old Navy (and hooray, they were having a 30% off sale when I did!) and got some new shirts that will be perfect for work. Even better – they fit perfectly and make me feel great. What can be better than that?! (Oh, I know – if any of the shirts didn’t fit right, I could easily return them at my local Old Navy.)

The low of my week was all the crappy food I ate. I just didn’t plan my meals well this week, and you know what they say: fail to plan and your plan will fail. So, I’m just taking this week as a loss and going to spend some time this weekend scoping out some healthy meals and spending Sunday in the kitchen meal prepping. (Please send me your ideas for healthy breakfasts and lunches! I’m in a huge rut.)

An article I loved was Stephen Miller Is an Immigration Hypocrite. I Know Because I’m His Uncle. by David S. Glosser. Hoo boy, was this a great article. (And can we say, family drama?! That’ll be a fun Thanksgiving table, ha.) But it really drove home the point that being against immigration is honestly hypocritical for just about everyone in the Trump administration because you’re being prejudiced against your own family history.

Trump wants to make us believe that these desperate migrants are an existential threat to the United States; the most powerful nation in world history and a nation made strong by immigrants. Trump and my nephew both know their immigrant and refugee roots. Yet, they repeat the insults and false accusations of earlier generations against these refugees to make them seem less than human. 

A podcast episode I enjoyed was Jon Favreau on Armchair Expert. No, not that Jon Favreau. The political speechwriter Jon Favreau! You know, the one who is basically BFFs with Barack Obama. I’m obsessed with him and basically fan-girled hard when I saw him at Pod Tours America a few months ago. (He’s just so dreamy! And so damn smart and genuine it hurts.) If you love Favs as much as I do, please do yourself a favor and listen to this episode. Also, I found it super informative in how to talk to people who may hold similar political beliefs, but are more cynical and apathetic about them. Jon did a great job of really cutting to the heart of why politics should matter to everyone.

The best money I spent was $21 on dinner with some girlfriends. We went to a new-to-us taco place where I had some of the best tacos of my life, as well as chips, queso, and guac for the table. But as good as the food was, the conversation was even better and I left feeling oh-so-happy for these women in my life. They’re good ones.

My plans this weekend include working on some freelance assignments, a hair appointment where I’m hoping to get a much darker auburn color, game night with the fam, and enjoying a book club meeting at a friend’s pool. It should be a really, really great weekend and I’m looking forward to it so much!

What was the high of your week? The low?

Hillbilly Elegy & Adverse Childhood Experiences

I finished Hillbilly Elegy over the weekend, and it was a book I was prepared to dislike. I’d read a lot of reviews from people who read the book soon after the 2016 election, and were disappointed that the book didn’t offer a real answer to the results of that election. Or that they were expecting more of a social commentary on the state of working-class Middle America.

But that’s not what Hillbilly Elegy is about. Instead, it’s a memoir. It’s one person’s experience growing up poor in Middle America, and escaping that life to become Ivy League educated and living comfortably in the middle class.

And while I can’t say I agreed with everything J.D. Vance had to say, especially when it comes to his politics, there was a whole lot I could relate to. Because, you see, J.D. and I had very similar upbringings.

Like him, I grew up poor. My father was in and out of jail my entire life, due to his drug addiction, anger problems, and gambling addiction. My mom did the best she could with what she was given. She tried her best to give my brother and me a good life. She left my father for good when I was 11, moving the three of us into my grandparents’ house. And she never had a bad word to say against my father, even when he was skipping out on child support and leaving threatening messages on our answering machine.

It was because of my father that we were poor. With his contribution, we could have done fine as a family. Maybe not at a level where we were going on lavish vacations or had a college savings fund, but our bills would have been paid and we wouldn’t have been evicted from multiple apartments. But instead, my father chose to gamble away his paycheck. And when that was gone, he’d pawn off our belongings (including my mom’s wedding ring, which he then blamed her for losing) or force my mom to give him part of her paycheck.

In Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. has a different experience as he had a revolving door of stepfathers and a mother who had a drug problem. His only saving grace was his grandparents, who made sure he attended school, studied hard, and made something of himself. It was because of them that he was able to escape the cycle of poverty and abuse, just like it was my mom who made sure I did the same.

She left my father because she didn’t want me growing up thinking the way my father treated her was the way men treat women. She didn’t want me thinking that it was okay for a man to yell at you, demean you, call you names. She wanted more for me. And, because of that, I want more for myself when it comes to my relationships and I’m not settling until I get it.

In the book, J.D. talks about a concept called Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. He writes: “ACEs are traumatic childhood events, and their consequences reach far into adulthood … Children with multiple ACEs are more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression, to suffer from heart disease and obesity, and to contract certain types of cancers. They’re also more likely to underperform in school and suffer from relationship instability as adults. Even excessive shouting can damage a kid’s sense of security and contribute to mental health and behavioral issues down the road.”

J.D. and his sister Lindsay scored a six on their ACEs test. J.D.’s aunt scored a seven. Those without traumatic childhoods often score a zero, as is the case of J.D.’s aunt’s husband, who grew up in a normal home environment. I took the test myself. It’s 10 questions and you just answer yes or no to the questions. My ACE score was a six.

It wasn’t totally surprising to see that number staring back at me after I took the test. I knew my childhood was a rough one. There was domestic abuse, screaming matches, times when I curled into a ball under my bed with a pillow over my ears to drown out the fighting. There was a father who never gave me the love and attention I desperately craved. There was divorce and food stamps and never feeling like there was enough money. There was depression and insomnia and anxiety. That was my childhood.

It reverberates to this day, as I still get uncomfortable if my mom hassles my stepdad about something. My stepdad has never once raised his voice or his hand to my mom (or to anyone, I’m sure) and has the most low-key disposition of anyone I know, and I’m still worried that one wrong word from my mom, and he’s about to go off on her.

It’s also why I just find it easier not to date because I’m just too worried about becoming the woman my mom never wanted me to be. The woman who acquiesces to her husband’s demands and doesn’t let her opinion known. I’ve seen myself doing that in relationships, and it manifested itself greatly in the only successful relationship I’ve ever had. I let him walk right the fuck over me, saying yes to things I wasn’t comfortable with and giving up all of my free time to be with him because that’s what he wanted. Never mind what I wanted. Never mind that we never did what I wanted to do. (Which isn’t totally on him – it’s also on me for not feeling like I could voice my opinion. Because if I did, I would lose him. And I desperately didn’t want to lose him.)

And that brings me to this quote from the book, which resonated with me greatly: “For kids like me, the part of the brain that deals with stress and conflict is always activated – the switch flipped indefinitely. We are constantly ready to fight or flee … We become hardwired for conflict. And that wiring remains, even when there’s no more conflict to be had.”

I’m a very non-confrontational person, and I am this way because I’m constantly worried that the people I love are going to leave me. It’s hard for me to express a dissenting opinion because I don’t want someone to realize that this is the reason we should not be friends anymore. I’ve spent my whole life making sure everyone around me is happy and satisfied, that their needs are always being met. Because what my childhood taught me is that conflict is always on the horizon. One wrong word to my dad, one small slip-up, and he was enraged and all of his anger was taken out on me. So, it makes sense that I just eliminate conflict altogether, hence the way I’ve acted in my romantic relationships. But in doing so, I’ve forgotten that my needs also matter. That it’s okay to have a different opinion. That the beauty of relationship isn’t everyone loving the same things in the same way, but of us coming together with different opinions, likes, and dislikes. It’s a daily battle of recognizing that conflict isn’t always bad, and that it doesn’t always cause people to jump off the deep end into anger.

When I think about my childhood, my ACE score, and the way the deck was completely stacked against me, I can’t help but feel so damn proud of myself. Sure, I’ve got some stuff to work out and it’s why I’m seeking therapy so that I can learn how to get past my childhood trauma and actually be able to function in a healthy relationship, but all in all, I’m not doing half bad. I have a great, steady, well-paying job. I have my own apartment. I am financially independent. I took care of a dog in the last years of his life and did a damn good job at it. I have friends and an active social life. I have a brother who has stuck by my side throughout everything and even stood up for me to my father time and again. He’s shown me what a true man looks like.

And I have my mom. Every kid with a traumatic childhood has to have someone watching out for them, and I am so grateful that she was that person for me. She got us out of a volatile home environment and into one filled with love and happiness and hope. She dated one man in the time she left my father to the time she started online dating in my mid-twenties – because to her, it was important that she gave her full attention to us and kept us happy and healthy. (But, boy, sometimes I wish she had met Robert much earlier!) My childhood wasn’t ideal, that’s for sure, but I got through it, and I got through it because of my mom’s deep love and persistent expectations for me.

What I’m Reading (8.13.18)

I cannot believe it’s already mid-August and kids are back in school and it’s almost time for football. Time is a crazy thing. My weekend was pretty great, as it was fairly low-key. I needed that because my upcoming week is going to be busy, busy and the weekend even more so. I got in some reading time at the pool, lots of naps, and a pedicure date with my mom.

Last week, I finished two books and really loved both of them. Reviews below!

Books Finished

Title: Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis
Author: J.D. Vance
Published: 2016
Format: Library hardcover
Rating: ★★★★★

Plot Summary: A memoir about a man who grew up poor in Appalachia, but manages to escape the cycle of poverty to become an Ivy League-educated lawyer.

My Thoughts: I loved, loved, loved this memoir. Maybe it’s because I read it two years after the election and approached it solely as a memoir, not as a commentary on the state of the working-class society and why so many of them voted for Trump. This is simply J.D.’s experience growing up poor, with a revolving door of fathers and a mother who struggled with addiction. And it was a story I could relate to all too well. I couldn’t stop taking pictures of quotes that resonated with me, and it really made me stop and reflect on my own childhood and how growing up poor and in a volatile home environment affects me even now. (In fact, I’m planning on writing more about this on Wednesday, so stay tuned for that.) This is a book I would wholly recommend, but with a word of caution: don’t think about this as social commentary. Don’t think you’re going to “get into the minds of Trump supporters” with this book. Instead, approach it as a memoir and expanding your worldview of what it’s really like to grow up poor in middle America.

Title: Wicked and the Wallflower
Author: Sarah MacLean
Published: 2018
Format: e-book
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: Lady Felicity must land a husband, and when a mysterious stranger named Devil promises her he can help her with this mission, she accepts on one condition: she won’t be satisfied with a marriage without passion.

My Thoughts: New Sarah MacLean! New Sarah MacLean! This book starts her brand-new Bareknuckle Bastards series, which looks to be totally fun. In this first book, we follow Devil who reigns over Covent Garden, a place that ladies such as Felicity should never be. From the get-go, I was captivated by both Felicity and Devil (gotta admit, the way he wielded his walking stick was pretty hot!) and rooting for them. They were both completely stubborn and completely right for one another. Like most MacLean novels, I wished this one was a bit shorter (400+ page romance novels are not my jam), but I was still so happy every time I opened my Kindle to read this book and cannot wait for the next one to be released.

What I’m Reading This Week

  • Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Michael Eric Dyson – I’m about 100 pages into this slim volume, and it’s been so eye-opening. I didn’t realize it would actually be written like a sermon, but it is and I love it.
  • Never, Never: Part Two by Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher – I read Part One two weeks ago and immediately requested Part Two from my library, which I picked up this weekend.
  • Beartown by Fredrik Backman – You guys, it’s time. IT IS TIME. I have put off reading this novel for reasons I don’t even understand. Maybe because I’m worried it won’t live up to the hype? Maybe because I know how much I’m going to love this book and want to savor the anticipation? For whatever reason, I have put off reading this book and I’m stopping that nonsense this week. It’s time for me and Beartown to get acquainted.

What are you reading this week?

Friday Questions (v. 6)

It’s been quite some time since my last Friday Questions post – five months, in fact! So I am overdue in going through some of the terrific questions that Nicole asks her guests on her Real Talk Radio podcast. Below are five more questions, some of which required a lot of thought in coming up with an answer. Enjoy!

1) What’s a habit you’d like to break? What’s a habit you’d like to build?

I’d love to break my habit of needing chocolate after lunch and dinner. It’s not a craving, but an ingrained habit that I have found so hard to give up. My body just… like… expects it, or something. I’d like to save chocolate as something special a few times a week, not something I eat multiple times a day.

As for a habit I want to build, I’d like to work on implementing a skincare regimen on a regular basis. I have all of the products I need: cleanser, toner, moisturizer. Even a Clarisonic! But I struggle to get on a regular habit of morning and nighttime face washing. I use a makeup wipe every night to take off my makeup, but that’s about the extent of my face washing. Every now and then, I’ll get on a kick where I do the morning and nighttime skincare routine for a few days in a row, and then I fall off the wagon. It’s just… a lot of work? And sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s helping much. (I swear I feel like I break out more when I’m regularly using my Clarisonic than when I’m not.)

2) When you look ahead to the next couple of months, what do you feel most excited about?

Getting a kitten! My goal is to adopt one in either September or October, once my living room is finally all put together. (Hoping to shop some Labor Day sales for my new couch.) I’ve been having a lot of bouts of loneliness lately, the kind of loneliness that comes with being completely alone in an apartment for hours on end. I never felt that way when I had Dutch around because he was my little buddy who kept me company. So, I know it’s time for me to adopt a cat and have a little four-legged friend with me again. I cannot wait to enter the world of being a cat lady! Bring it on.

3) What’s something you do to inspire or encourage yourself when you’re feeling defeated?

It helps to step away from whatever is making me feel defeated. Is it my dating life? Delete the apps. Is it my writing? Work on something else. Is it social media? Take a break. Is it work? Find things outside of work to bring me joy and fulfillment.

I also think actually talking about it and speaking truth to my feelings of defeat helps to lessen its impact. When I’m feeling defeated because my anxiety feels unmanageable, I’ll get on Instagram Stories to say so and the responses I get always make me feel better. Like I’m not the only person feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts. Sometimes, talking about my lack of dating prospects or diet struggles with my friends help me to see that I’m getting too in my head about things, and that I am a lovely person whether or not I’m dating or losing weight.

4) What’s something you really love about yourself?

I love how funny I am! I’m the girl who is always making my friends laugh and keeping things light-hearted with jokes and sarcastic comments. I feel like my humor doesn’t really come across in my writing, but basically all I do with my friends is tell jokes and make them laugh.

5) What’s a time when you quit something and it was absolutely the right decision?

When I decided to change my major from elementary education to communications. I was nearly done with my education degree (just had to do a semester of student teaching), but after failing a student teaching internship, I realized that teaching was not where I was meant to be and I changed my major. It was a hard decision at the time because it meant another 2-3 years of schooling, but it was the right move for me. I was able to graduate with a major that was much more aligned with my skill set and now I have a job that I really love. I don’t think I would have ever been happy as a teacher.

Tell me something you really love about yourself!

Some Thoughts on Anxiety, Medication, and Shame

It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”

I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in a I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.

And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”

Light bulb. 

It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”

So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.

That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.

Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.

And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.

I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.

I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression, and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.

So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?

Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.

Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.

The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.

And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.

What I’m Reading (8.6.18)

Happy Monday! I had such a fantastic weekend, full of friends and puppy cuddles and naps. I got to see Chip on Friday evening and he got super excited when he saw me, doing zoomies all over the apartment. It was so cute! That boy totally has my heart, 100%. I also got to celebrate a dear friend at her bridal shower and was thrilled when I won the “how well do you know the bride and groom” game. Of course, I lived with the bride-to-be for a year, so maybe I had a bit of an advantage. 😉 And, on Sunday, I had brunch with friends to celebrate another dear friend’s birthday. All in all, the perfect weekend and I’m diving into Monday feeling really and truly blessed about this life of mine.

Last week, I finished three books and gave all of them 4 stars. Let’s discuss:

Books Read

Title: Lies She Told
Author: Cate Holahan
Published: 2017
Format: Library audiobook
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: This thriller is told in two alternating plotlines. First, there’s Liza who is a thriller author and has 30 days to produce her next masterpiece. And then there’s Beth, Liza’s character in her newest novel, who suspects her husband of cheating and ends up killing his mistress (not a spoiler, it’s in the synopsis). But as the novel progresses, the lines between Liza’s real life and Beth’s fictional one become increasingly blurred.

My Thoughts: Oh man, I loved this novel. I listened to it on audio, and I was concerned that I was going to get the alternating plots mixed up, but thankfully, there were two different narrators with very distinct voices so it was easy to keep them separate. I found the storyline to be so unique and refreshingly different from what we see so often in women-led thrillers nowadays. The twists and turns felt honest and never overly dramatic. And I found the ending to be so satisfying. I would highly recommend this novel if you love a good twisty thriller!

Title: The Woman in Cabin 10
Author: Ruth Ware
Published: 2016
Format: Library hardcover
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: Lo is a travel journalist sailing on a luxury cruise, the kind that’s so exclusive that there’s only a handful of people on board. It seems like the assignment of a lifetime, until her first night when she wakes up to what can only be the sound of someone being thrown overboard. Only, everyone on the ship is accounted for and it’s up to Lo to figure out what is truly going on.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this thriller, and maybe it’s because I went into it with very low expectations. I loved the setting because what’s creepier than a cruise ship that has just a handful of guests and no cell service? And I loved all the twists and turns – it kept me guessing to the very end! I’ll admit that I fairly loathed Lo. I have a hard time with unreliable narrators and Lo is right up there with Rachel from The Girl on the Train. She made a lot of dumb decisions in her quest to find out what happened, but she redeemed herself in the end. All in all, a pretty solid thriller but probably not one that will particularly stand out in my mind.

Title: Never, Never Part I
Author: Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher
Published: 2015
Format: Library paperback
Rating: ★★★★☆

Plot Summary: Charlie and Silas wake up one morning with no memory of who they are, and it’s up to them and them alone to figure out what happened.

My Thoughts: Oh, boy, do I love Colleen Hoover novels and this one is no exception. The concept behind this novel is so unique, and I just had to know what happened. Of course, this is only part one in a three-part series so I immediately requested part two from my library after I finished this book (I was prepared to buy the e-book, but it’s not available through Amazon weirdly). This novel was everything I love about Hoover’s writing, and I especially just adored the back-and-forth between Charlie and Silas.

What I’m Reading This Week

What are you currently reading?