Stephany Writes

Friday Questions (V. 5)

Happy Friday, friends. What a week, eh? It felt like an insanely long one for me. Work kept me busy and so did my evenings, with two after-work workouts and dinner with a friend. I’m very happy for Friday and hoping it’s that perfect mix of alone time and people time. (Last weekend involved a bit too much alone time. Womp.)

Today, I’m continuing my Friday Questions series using the community questions from the Real Talk Radio podcast. These are so fun to answer because the questions are so unique!

1) When you’re feeling stuck in a rut, how do you get yourself out of it?

I think it’s always helpful to try something new when I’m in a rut. Feeling bored with my food? Switch up the lunch or breakfast I bring to work every day. Feeling bored with my workload? Keep an ear out for new accounts and ask to be put on any new and interesting accounts. Feeling bored with my workouts? Try a different workout class or switch up the days I work out. For me, when I’m in a rut, it means I’m bored and everything I’m doing feels rote and unoriginal. But shaking up my routine in a small way really helps me to feel more excited about what I’m doing.

2) What does your life look like when you are practicing self-care and self-kindness?

Listen, I understand that “self-care” is now a buzzword that everyone hates, but sue me. I love it. Self-care is my jam and I realize it’s not always about bubble baths and sleeping in. For me, when I’m practicing my truest form of self-care, it means saying yes to plans but not too many plans (1-2 a week is all I need). It means regular exercise, cooking my meals instead of picking up fast food, and drinking more water than soda. It means having space in my schedule to read and blog. And yes, it means bubble baths and naps and having enough me-time.

3) When you think back over your life so far, what are you most proud of?

Ending my relationship with my father. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make and I spent years wondering if I made the right decision, but now I can say I did. I had to. He was a negative force in my life and while I’m sad about the way his life has turned out, I’m proud of standing up for myself and demanding more. I was only 22 when I made this decision, which is so damn young and I’m proud of that girl who made that tough choice because she knew she deserved better.

4) What’s one thing in your life that’s no longer serving you, and you need to let go of?

Oh, wow. What a question! Sometimes, I think it’s the novel I’m writing. Not that I don’t want to write fiction – I do – but I wonder if it’s just time to move on from the story I’ve been trying to write for two years. I have this internal resistance to it and I’m not sure why. Is it because it’s not the story I’m supposed to be writing? Or is this just part of the writing process and I need to get my butt in my chair and write. I don’t know. All I do know is that my writing partner might murder me if I tell her I’m scrapping this story idea for now.

5) What’s your favorite thing to give as a gift to someone else?

I love giving surprise gifts to friend – like emailing them a $10 Starbucks gift card when I know they’re having a rough day or week. Or sending them a little gift in the mail. Just something to let them know I’m thinking about them and love them. For birthdays, I tend to opt for gift cards, which I know some people feel is the “easy” way out and maybe it is, but damn if I don’t love to receive a gift card myself. It’s so nice to have a little “spending money” at one of my favorite stores, and I know my friends appreciate that, too.

What are you most proud of in your life?

My Favorite Reads of February

February was another great month of reading for me, not just because I read 12 books but because I ended up loving most of what I read. I gave nine out of the 12 books four or five stars.

Losing myself in my books, especially more light-hearted reads and romances, is what has helped me the most during my period of grief soon after losing Dutch. I spent a lot of time alone this month and being able to turn to my books and lose myself in a story was so very helpful.

Here are my reviews for the four and five star reads:

Killing Time by Cindy Gerard (★★★★★) – Killing Time begins a new romantic suspense series by Gerard and I can tell I’m in for another sensational series from her. This one begins with the hero being drugged and kidnapped by the heroine, and from there, it’s a nonstop thrill ride from beginning to end. It had Gerard’s signature wit, excitement, and romance, and while at the beginning I was unsure if Mike and Eva were meant for each other, by the end, I was sold on their romance. Truly perfect!

The Trouble With Love by Lauren Layne (★★★★☆)- I think I read 60% of this book on the night before we put Dutch down because I couldn’t sleep and I needed something incredibly light-hearted to get me through the night. Enter a romance novel, especially a Lauren Layne romance novel. It was exactly what I needed and kept my mind off my grief for just a little while. It followed the trope of “former lovers turned enemies,” which might be one of my favorite romance tropes. Funny, smart, sassy, and sexy. It was perfect and exactly what I needed during this time in my life.

Thanks, Obama: My Hopey, Changey White House Years by David Litt (★★★★☆) – Lemme tell you – I am here for all the memoirs being published lately from former Obama staffers. Here. For. It. I read Alyssa Mastromonaco’s book and this book couldn’t have been more different. First of all, Mastromonaco had a direct line to Obama while David Litt spent much of his time in the White House without ever seeing him. This book made me actually laugh out loud at moments and then cry when he talked about the Sandy Hook shooting and how it affected all of them in the White House. It made me fall even more in love with Obama and get even sicker to my stomach about this current administration. And it made me realize that it doesn’t matter how many times you screw up (even if the screw up involves offending an entire nation!), you just get back up, try again, and hope for the best.

The Bastard’s Bargain by Katee Robert (★★★★★) – This book wraps up Katee Robert’s The O’Malleys series and it gives it the perfect ending! I was so excited to read this one that I actually preordered it because I didn’t want to want for my library to get it in stock. This novel finally redeems Dmitri, who has been a constant presence in all the books as he was originally set to marry one of the older O’Malley sisters. It also redeems Keira, who has been in a downward spiral since a tragedy happened a few books back (I won’t say what, so I don’t spoil the series for anyone who wants to read it from the beginning). For some reason, these two crazy kids make it work. Keira doesn’t take Dmitri’s shit and Dmitri needs Keira’s lightness and fun in his life. It’s a sweet yet honest novel, and I was sad to finish it because I didn’t want to leave The O’Malleys.

Sutphin Boulevard by Santino Hassell (★★★★★) – So, this is actually the first queer romance I’ve ever read and guys, I have been missing out. At least missing out on Santino Hassell because this book was phenomenal. It follows the “best friends fall in love” romance trope, which is honestly one of my favorite tropes and it was everything I could have wanted. It was a bit darker and grittier than the typical romance novels I read, but that just added an extra element to the world that Hassell built. I cannot wait to read the next book in this series. Woo!

Ramona Blue by Julie Murphy (★★★★★) – I listened to this fun, heartwarming YA novel on audio and I really loved the narrator and her soft Southern accent. In this novel, Ramona, who came out as gay a few years ago and recently had a summer fling with a girl finds herself falling in love with a guy for the first time, which brings about all sorts of questions and mixed emotions. I know there has been criticism surrounding this book, but I thought Julie Murphy really did a great job exploring sexuality and its fluidity. And seriously, the book was just plain fun and I found myself really looking forward to longer drives where I could listen to the audiobook.

Where Am I Now? by Mara Wilson (★★★★★) – I’ve longed loved Mara Wilson, both from her childhood acting and from the stuff I’ve seen from her as an adult, so it was time to finally read her book. This read less like a typical memoir and more like a series of vignettes, as each chapter had a specific theme, such as her journey to being diagnosed with OCD and losing her mother at a young age to cancer. It was beautifully written and poignant and I loved reading about her time on the set of Matilda and the impact Robin Williams had on her life. Completely worth a read!

Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology by Leah Remini (★★★★☆) – I straight-up adore Leah Remini and King of Queens was one of the first sitcoms I watched religiously, so I have wanted to read her memoir for a while now. I really didn’t even know about her Scientology background until this book came out (I guess I used to live under a rock?) I also knew nothing at all about Scientology itself before reading this book and it was truly eye-opening for me. I was incredulous at the things they put Leah through and sickened to learn about how much money she gave to Scientology over the years (millions of dollars). If you’re going to read this book, then you must listen to the audiobook because Leah reads it so well and her sarcastic New York accent is everything to me.

Other February reads: The Hating Game by Sally Thorne (★★★★★), Secret Daughter by Shilpi Somaya Gowda (★★★☆☆), Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz (★★★☆☆), and Riding Temptation by Jaci Burton (★★★☆☆).

FEBRUARY BOOK STATS

Number of books read: 12
Number of pages: 3,894
Genre breakdown: romance (6), nonfiction (3), fiction (1), YA (2)
Number of diverse reads: 5 (42%)
Where I sourced my books: library/Overdrive (9), Amazon (2), Thriftbooks (1)
Money spent on reading this month: $9.52

Life Lately

It’s been three weeks since Dutch passed away, and I’m slowly trying to get back to myself.

I thought about coming back to blogging last week, but I just wasn’t ready. I’m not even sure if I’m ready now, but I’m trying. I need it, even if the words don’t come as easily as they used to. I mean, I spent two days just trying to figure out how to start this post, deleting paragraph after paragraph.

But I’m here. And that’s all that matters.

In the last three weeks, I’ve tried to figure out how to live my life without my best friend and it’s so hard. Every morning is a constant reminder that he’s gone. And when I’m asleep, I dream of him. I still expect him to be waiting for me when I come home. I hear phantom noises when I’m alone in my apartment. I receive these little reminders on a near-constant basis, like when I opened up my laptop for the first time after losing him and saw a pop-up from Pinterest: “20 more pins for dog birthday party,” because I thought about planning a birthday party for his 16th birthday back in early January. It’s these little things that remind me of the significance and impact of losing him.

But I’m not going to lie: as heartbroken as I am, life has been easier for me. I was not shy about how hard it was to be the sole caretaker for a special needs dog, and my whole life basically revolved around him. I couldn’t leave him alone for more than 3-4 hours, which meant I always had to have someone check in on him in the middle of the day (usually my mom) and I had to race home after work to take care of him. If I had evening plans, I would either have to ask my mom to check on him for me or do it myself, rushing him through his evening walk so I could get to wherever I needed to go. And if I did have evening plans, I would always worry what kind of scene I might come home to because in his last year, Dutch had developed a habit of pooping and then stepping in the poop and spreading it all around. (Sorry to be TMI, but damn, I had to deal with this constantly and it sucked.) There were times when it took thirty minutes to clean it all up, between washing him, cleaning the floors, and disposing of the mess. Listen, I don’t miss that. Not one bit. There’s a sense of freedom in knowing when I come home, I won’t have a poop-splosion to worry about. And let’s not forget his sleep struggles, which were especially bad in the last year and prompted me to put him on a pill that essentially made him lethargic at night so he (and I) would sleep.

So, yes, life is easier in a way. There’s less worrying – about him and if he’s happy and thriving, about his sleep struggles, about arranging my life to suit his needs. I can say “yes” to evening plans without checking in with my mom first to make sure she can take care of his evening walk. I can go to the gym after work without first going home to check on him (which, let’s face it, when I’m home, I’m staying home). I can run errands and not worry about the logistics of what time I need to be home for Dutch.

But life is also a lot more empty, a lot more purposeless, a lot less happy. Even as hard as Dutch was to take care of, he was my buddy. My best friend. I always knew I could come home to him after every bad day, bad date, bad experience. He was there, exuberantly happy to see me and ready to slobber kisses all over my face. He was my constant companion and I really don’t know what to do with myself without him.

I’ve thought a lot about my next pet because yes, I’m pretty sure there will be another little one running around my apartment before 2018 is over. Before Dutch passed away, I didn’t think I would. I thought that I would just wait until I was in a serious relationship, so I had someone else to help me with taking care of a dog, but who knows when that will happen and I don’t think I want to wait until it does. (If it does.)

However, I’m also not making any decisions anytime soon. I’m just not the type to adopt a new pet immediately after losing one. After my beloved dog Minnie died when I was in college, it took me about six months to be ready to start looking for a new dog and suddenly, that’s when the opportunity to adopt Dutch happened, which was serendipity at its finest. And there’s also the question of whether I want to adopt a cat or a dog, which may surprise some people, as I’ve long identified as a dog person. But I like cats! I love them, even. And I’m really intrigued by how much easier they are to care for than dogs, so all my cat people: I want all of your advice in the coming months! I don’t plan on beginning to look for another pet until the summertime, which will give me time to be alone and grieve Dutch, as well as save money for a new pet and make the decision between a cat and a dog.

In the weeks after losing Dutch, I’ve leaned on my mom more than I have in a really long time. And she’s been there for me every step of the way. I slept at her place the day before we put Dutch down because I just didn’t want to wake up alone that day. She was there in the room with me when we put him down and stayed in there after I left sobbing. She’s checked on me constantly, sometimes just showing up at my apartment unannounced, which was so needed for someone like me, who has the hardest time reaching out. She’s the one I can text when I’m having a bad day and she’ll help me take my mind off my pain – or let me talk it out, if that’s what I need.

And my friends have been great, too, especially my friend M. who has checked on me almost every day, even now. And that’s what I’ve discovered from this period of grief – sometimes, I just need someone to text me “How are you?” and allow me to word-vomit about what I’m feeling. She allows me the space to do that. Other friends have taken me out to lunch and let me be a big cloud of gloom, not asking anything more than that of me. I’ve had blog friends send me emails, care packages, messages to check in, and one special friend who donated to the Florida SPCA in memory of Dutch, which made me cry big tears when I found that out. It’s times like these when I find out how loved I am, and it means the world to me. I can only hope I can pay this kindness forward.

And now I’ve talked for 1,200 words, after saying writing has been difficult for me. Obviously not. But I think it’s so helpful when people talk about grief and get real about how they’re feeling. It’s this weird taboo topic in a sense, and I can understand why because it’s so vulnerable and hard and dredges up so many emotions that we’d rather keep tucked away. But I’m trying really, really hard not to keep my emotions down. I have a tendency to do that – so much so that I have been relieved that I’ve cried a lot in these past few weeks because crying is not something I do often, not even after my grandma died – and I’m trying to allow myself the honesty of grief.

So that’s what my life has been like lately. This isn’t a fun season in my life, unfortunately, but I’m learning to live better with the grief of losing my best friend. Certain days are better than others, but I have also been surprised about how easily grief slaps me back on my knees just when I think I’m doing okay. I guess that’s just the way grief works, though. It’s not linear and I just have to accept that I will never understand it. One step forward, four steps back – that’s grief in a nutshell.

But I’m doing okay most days. I’m finding my way through this season as best I can, and that’s all I can ask of myself.

Losing Dutch

Yesterday was, by far, the worst day of my life, as I made the heartbreaking decision to let Dutch go.

It had been obvious for a while that he had lost most of his cognitive function, but I told myself that as long as he was eating heartily and enjoying his walks, he was fine. His quality of life was still there. But this past week, he stopped wanting to go on his walks and I had to pull on his leash just to get him to walk a few steps. He stopped eating, even if I tried to hand-feed him. And all he wanted to do was sleep, and when he wasn’t sleeping, he was doing endless circles. I later realized that he had lost his ability to settle himself down. He never used his blankets anymore or any of his beds unless I put him in there myself, and that’s a red flag because homeboy loved blankets and had amassed quite the collection. But he wasn’t even able to find his blankets and lay down on them anymore. Instead, most days, I came home to find him circling or just sitting in my room, staring at the wall.

On Thursday, my mom and I took him to the vet who was so damn kind and thoughtful and compassionate. We both needed that. We needed a professional to tell us that no, what he’s doing isn’t normal or healthy. We needed him to tell us that it was okay to put him down, it was the right choice.

They ran blood work, but nothing concerning came back. The next step was a costly MRI and/or ultrasound, but even if we received results of a tumor or some other issue, there’s nothing we would be able to do. He’s too old for surgery or any sort of treatment plan.

My mom and I knew then what we had to do. We knew what the humane choice was, but I wasn’t ready to make that decision on Thursday. Instead, we brought him home with special dog food that the vet promised us he would eat (and Dutch did, scarfing down that nasty, smelly dog food like it was disappearing right in front of him).

Over the weekend, we monitored him and that’s when I really began to realize how concerning his behavior was, how abnormal it was, how he really didn’t have a quality of life. He could only fall asleep if I was holding him or snuggled next to him, and that’s incredibly unusual for dogs.

It was time.

I would never be ready to say goodbye to him. But I also had that sense of peace that told me, in my gut, what the right call was.

I’ll never forget that appointment at the vet’s office. I’ll never forget how we were treated by the staff, so compassionately and kindly and giving us the privacy we needed during the most painful and difficult time in our lives. I’ll never forget holding him in my arms when he passed away, nor the vet looking up at me as he placed his stethoscope on Dutch’s tiny body and saying to me, “He’s gone.” I’ll never forget rushing out of the exam room, tears streaming down my face and a sob escaping from my body. I’ll never forget the utter devastation and raw pain at knowing I’d never see him again, or snuggle him again, or walk him again, or come home and find him waiting for me again.

Our time together was up.

We had nine years together and it was nowhere near enough time. I wanted more. I wanted him to live forever.

He was the best companion I could have asked for and he taught me so much about love. He helped me to see that I have mothering tendencies and that I can love bigger and bolder than I ever thought possible. He loved me so much and I loved him so much, and this loss is gut-wrenching and nearly impossible to handle. The pain is raw and deep. The grief is real and overwhelming.

I’ll be taking a bit of a break from the blog over the coming weeks as I grieve the loss of Dutch. He was my best friend and the love of my life, and I need time to be and process this immense loss.

My Favorite Reads of January

I’m doing something different with my book reviews this year (it seems like every year, I revamp the way I write my monthly books recap – keeps things interesting at least). This year, I’m only going to write reviews of the books I give 4 or 5 stars. Obviously, these are the books that really spoke to me and the ones I recommend. And this is what this monthly feature is all about, right? Talking about the books I read and why I think other people should read them. So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite reads of January:

Young Jane Young by Gabrielle Zevin (★★★★★) –  What I love most about this novel was how uniquely written it was. It follows the story of a girl, Aviva, who has an affair with a married congressman and what happens in the aftermath once their affair becomes a news item. Of course, as it always seems to be, the congressman keeps his job and his dignity, but Aviva is scorned and slut shamed and dragged through the media. And so, she flees to another state and builds a new life for herself – new name, new job, and all. This novel gives you a glimpse into how her affair affects everyone involved: Aviva herself, her mom, the wife whose husband she had an affair with, and even Aviva’s young daughter. It’s a fascinating look at motherhood, ambition, and love.

My Kind of Wonderful by Jill Shalvis (★★★★☆) – This is your typical, formulaic romance novel, but there was something so sweet and charming about it. In this story, Bailey is recovering from spending her late teens, early twenties fighting cancer and is finally in remission and ready to start living. She is commissioned to paint a mural at a ski resort and while there, she meets Hud who is everything she wants – sexy, kind, and funny. But Bailey has big dreams of seeing the world and she’s only going to be at the ski resort for a short time, so what’s the point in starting something new with Hud? I loved that Bailey wasn’t your “typical” romance heroine and that she was so darn easy to love and root for. And Hud had his own hangups that he needed to figure out. The plot was so well-drawn and thoughtful, but the romance was still sizzling that it made me remember why Jill Shalvis is always my go-to romance author recommendation.

The Animators by Kayla Rae Whitaker (★★★★★) – The Animators is a story about female friendship. It’s the story about Sharon and Mel, two female animators who have just released their first full-length feature and are high on life. Sharon and Mel couldn’t be more different – where Sharon is shy, Mel is brash – but they have a fierce love for each other and an undeniable attraction to the art of drawing and animation. Through this story, we see these friends go through the gauntlet of tragedy together but one thing that’s always certain is their love for each other. I listened to this on audio and I really recommend it (even if it’s a long audiobook at nearly 16 hours) because the narrator is so great. (I don’t typically love when narrators make up crazy voices for the characters, but in this instance, it really worked for the story.) I was super impressed by this debut by Kayla Rae Whitaker and I dearly hope she blesses us with more writing.

Undercover Attraction by Katee Robert (★★★★☆) – I never, ever thought I would fall in love with a mob family, but Katee Robert has proven me wrong with this series. In this novel, we get Aiden’s story with former cop, Charlotte. I have no love for Aiden because he was a straight-up jerk in the previous novels, but with this story, I started to realize why he did what he did and there’s a sense of respect for how he protects his siblings, even at his detriment. The chemistry between Aiden and Charlotte in this novel was hot, hot, hot, but there was also plenty of story beyond the bedroom scenes (nothing bothers me more than a romance that seems to be one sex scene after another… give me some story, authors!) Anyway, this is a series I highly recommend. I haven’t loved some of Robert’s other series, but this is her latest one and it seems like she’s truly coming into her own as an author with The O’Malleys.

The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen (★★★★☆) – I had high hopes for this thriller because it had the most intriguing premise I’ve seen in a while. Thankfully, it fairly lived up to them and the novel definitely took some twists and turns that I wasn’t expecting. The kind of twists and turns that have you gasping when you realize what’s happening and flipping back through the pages to see if you missed something critical. I really don’t want to say anything about the plot because I think it unfolds nicely in a way where you don’t necessarily need to know the plot beforehand.

The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena (★★★★★) – I finished this thriller in less than 24 hours – it was that good. The novel starts off with a bang, Anne and Marco are spending the evening at their next door neighbor’s house. They have a six-month-old, but their baby-sitter canceled at the last minute and their next door neighbor explicitly stated this was a “baby free” kind of party. They don’t want to cancel on their friends, so they leave their baby sleeping in her crib (checking on her every half hour) and proceed to spend the evening with their neighbors. And then the unthinkable happens when they come back home around midnight: their baby is gone. What follows is a twisty-turny thriller that had me on the edge of my seat. I didn’t know who to trust or believe, and I was thoroughly shocked by the ending.

Other January reads: Friends Without Benefits by Penny Reid (★★☆☆☆), All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr (★★☆☆☆), Foolproof Love by Katee Robert (★★☆☆☆), Forbidden by Beverly Jenkins (★★☆☆☆), Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah (★★★☆☆), Stealing Home by Jennifer Seasons (★☆☆☆☆), and Yes, My Accent is Real: and Some Other Things I Haven’t Told You by Kunal Nayyar (★★★☆☆).

January Book Stats

Number of books: 13
Number of pages: 4,524
Genre breakdown: fiction (3), romance (6), historical fiction (1), thriller (2), nonfiction (1)
Number of diverse reads: 4 (31%)
Where I sourced my books: library/Overdrive (11), Book of the Month (1), gift from a friend (1)
Money spent on reading this month: $14.99

Monthly Goals | February 2018

Has January felt like it was 74 days long to anyone else? It’s been a weird start to the year. Not in a bad way, just in… a weird way. But I’m excited to mark this month complete because I feel like I checked off some important goals and I’m looking forward to what February will bring.

Here’s how I did on my January goals:

Biting Off My Yearly Goals

> Start tracking my food on MyFitnessPal. Not complete. I attempted to track my food, but I wasn’t consistent with it. I know that tracking what I eat is the key to losing weight (I like to pretend it’s not, but it is), so I just need to get into a routine of tracking no matter what.

> Drink only water and coffee while at work. Complete. This was a great success and it was actually a very easy goal to complete because I gave myself simple, attainable parameters.

> Email two therapists. Complete. The first therapist I emailed doesn’t accept insurance and I’m waiting to hear back from the second one that I emailed earlier this week.

> Write 10,000 words in my novel. Not complete. I only wrote 3,500 words in January, which puts me behind in my goal of finishing my novel this year.

> Make a file on my computer compiling all of my mom’s engagement and wedding photos. Not complete. Oops, just completely forgot about this goal!

Nagging Tasks

> Schedule a carpet cleaning. Not complete. Ugh, I filled out an online form on a carpet cleaning company’s website and they never contacted me back. Argh… I’m going to have to actually call them on the phone and I just keep putting it off.

> Put together my bookshelf. Complete. I’m really happy to have two bookshelves in my room now. It was much needed because I’m using the second one as my “TBR” shelf, of books that I own but haven’t read yet. It’s not too full because I only recently started buying books (after years of only buying e-books, if I wasn’t borrowing the book from my library).

> Sell my coffee table. Complete. I listed it on Craigslist on a Saturday and by Sunday morning, I was meeting up with the buyer to hand it off. It was so easy and I’m enjoying the extra space in my living room. I hope that selling my sectional is just as easy!

> Donate my old laptop. Complete. I recently learned that Goodwill now accepts old laptops and I had a drop-off to do there anyway, so it was a quick and painless task.

> Frame the painting I bought in Puerto Rico and hang it up. Not complete. I actually completely forgot I had this as a goal. I need to figure out the frame size I need and just get this done. That painting is too gorgeous to be sitting on a shelf.

So, I accomplished 5 out of the 10 goals I set and I’m ok with that number. It’s only half of the goals, but half is better than nothing, right? Here’s what I want to get done in February:

Biting Off My Yearly Goals

> Track food on MyFitnessPal (goal: lose 30 lbs)

> No soda at work, no soda on Mondays (goal: cut out soda completely)

> Buy a book about the Enneagram (goal: figure out my Enneagram type)

> Make a file on my computer compiling all of my mom’s engagement and wedding photos (goal: make a wedding album for my mom and stepdad)

> Write 500 words every day (goal: finish my novel)

Nagging Tasks

> Schedule a carpet cleaning (back on the list it goes… here’s hoping I will have freshly cleaned carpet by the end of the month)

> Frame the painting I bought in Puerto Rico and hang it up (back on the list… no more procrastinating)

> Organize my kitchen (in December, I went crazy organizing my bathroom and walk-in closet, and February is when my kitchen gets the organization overhaul it desperately needs)

> Find a place to recycle (I don’t recycle and that has got to change)

> Clean my oven (I’ve lived in my apartment for nearly a year and a half… that oven needs to be cleaned)

What’s one goal, big or small, that you’d like to accomplish in February?

Currently in January

Loving… trying new recipes. I’ve added two new recipes to my arsenal, both from the Budget Bytes blog. I need to get better about cooking more at home because it’s healthier for me and cheaper in the long run, but most of my recipes are tried-and-true favorites that I’m getting a little tired of. So, it was time to look for some new recipes and I came across Budget Bytes. I’ve heard of her before, but haven’t tried her recipes until this month and I am a fan. I made Greek Marinated Chicken and Creamy Pesto Pasta with Chicken and Broccoli, and they were both delicious and made four meals, which is the perfect amount for me (three days of leftovers is just about my limit).

Loathing… my anxiety disorder. Last week was just one of those bad weeks for me, where everything felt overwhelming and I just wanted to stay in bed all week and throw the covers over my head. I couldn’t do that, of course. I have a job to go to and a dog to take care of, but boy, did I want to. I hate when I get into those moods because everything feels so pointless and I feel like I’ll never be happy again. Logically, I know it will pass, but man, it is so hard when you’re in the thick of it to understand that. Thankfully, I feel the gray cloud dissipating and I felt more like myself this weekend.

Reading… Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah. This one has been a slow read for me, and I feel like I should have given up on it because I’m not really enjoying it all that much. But I kept hoping it would get better and Kristin Hannah is one of my favorite authors, so I hate abandoning her books, but I will be very glad when I finish it.

Watching… season five of Parks and Rec. I always need a light-hearted comedy in my TV rotation and Parks and Rec fits the bill. (Although, it did cut me deep in my soul during an episode where Leslie and Ben are looking at the White House and she says to him, “What do you think? Our home in 2020?” YES PLEASE.) I also just finished the first season of Mad Men over the weekend and I’m excited to dive into season two very soon.

Listening to… the Girl Next Door podcast. I heard about this podcast from Amber and I’ve been wanting to give it a listen. Truthfully, 2017 was the year I added too many heavy podcasts to my feed. This podcast is light-hearted and fun and silly. I started at the beginning, and since they started their podcast back in 2014, I have quite a bit of catching up to do. Give it a listen if you love that podcast subgenre of “girlfriends chatting.”

Anticipating… my haircut on Saturday. I’ve finally decided that I am going to chop my hair. I have been questioning myself about it because I really love my long hair and lessened humidity means my hair has been on its best behavior lately. But I’m also interested in donating my hair to a good cause and enjoying a sassy new ‘do. Here’s what I’m thinking about for the cut – mostly a long bob that’ll hit around my collarbone with bangs. (Although there’s a small part of me that’s dying for this cut.)

Grateful for… my primary care doctor. It took me forever to find a primary care doc, but she is a godsend. I had an appointment with her a few weeks ago to discuss a particularly embarrassing medical condition that I thought I had, and I was not looking forward to the appointment at all. But I’d been having symptoms for months now, and it was at the point where it was affecting my quality of life and I needed to get the advice of a doctor. And what do you know, it went fine. I did not die of embarrassment and my doctor made me feel completely comfortable discussing my symptoms without any awkwardness. I really love this doctor and I am so glad I found her.

Needing… motivation to work out. I haven’t been to the gym in over a week and I don’t really have a good reason for it. Well, aside from having serious anxiety last week and not having the motivation to do much more than drag myself to work every day. Late last year, I contemplated canceling my gym membership because I wasn’t using it as much as I hoped. My apartment complex has a small gym and there are always workouts I can access online. I talked myself out of canceling because I really enjoy being able to take spin classes. But I haven’t taken a spin class since I fractured my ankle because I’m worried it’s a little too high impact (the standing segments especially). I guess the motivation is harder since I’m limited in what I can do while I wait for my ankle to heal, and what I can do feels so minimal in the grand scheme of things. I’m barely breaking a sweat with my workouts. But movement in any form is good for me, and I have to keep remembering that.

What are you currently anticipating and reading?

Also! I wanted to remind you to take my reader survey, if you haven’t already. I’ve gotten some great responses so far and I’m excited to share them soon.

Five for Friday (v. 55)

Wow… my last Five for Friday post was in February! That’s hard to believe and yet, the facts don’t lie. But I have a lot to talk about today, so let’s dive in.

1) I ordered my first set of Chatbooks this week. If you’re unfamiliar with Chatbooks, their claim to fame is their Instagram photo books in which they automatically develop photo books of your Instagram photos for you. Each photo book includes 60 photos, so once you have 60 photos ready, they’ll send you an email and you can delete and resize photos as you want. They also do photo books for Facebook photos and your own photo roll, and have different types of photo books. But I just did their usual Instagram photo book with the 60 photos. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time: photo books of the pictures I’ve taken of Dutch throughout the years. I’ve taken so many photos of my little man and I wanted to have a stack of photo books to flip through whenever I want. So, this week, I downloaded the Chatbooks app and got to work deleting photos until I only had photos of Dutch. It took a long time because that’s six or seven years of photos to sort through! In the end, I was left with five photo books, which means I have at least 300 Instagram photos of my dog on my feed. And let’s not forget the fact that I deleted photos that were grainy or too dark or I didn’t like, sooo, that’s a lot of Dutch. I ordered the hardcover photo books for $15 and I’m getting my first one sometime in early February. (When you start using Chatbooks, you can set it up to get “caught up” on your pictures and receive a bulk set of photo books at one time, or opt for getting 1, 2, or 3 books a month until you’re all caught up. I’m doing one photo book a month.)

2) Every few years, I like to go through my “Want to Read” shelf on Goodreads and delete books I know I have no intention of reading. At the time I started deleting books, I had nearly 900 books on my shelf and I figured I would easily whittle that down to a more reasonable number. I deleted books that had a low overall rating (anything under 3.5 stars), books that had been released more than two years ago and had less than 1,000 reviews, and books that didn’t seem interesting to me anymore and hadn’t been reviewed by any of my friends. In the end, I only managed to delete around 250 books, leaving me with more than 600 books on my shelf. And I’m sure that, in no time at all, my “Want to Read” shelf will be at an unreasonable number once again because that’s just the way it works when you’re a bookworm.

3) As of today, I’m 92 days away from my cruise. My mom and I booked this cruise so far in advance that I haven’t been able to get excited about it (and, real talk, there has been a lot of worrying on my end on paying my half of the deposit, but it’s going to get done). I cannot wait for this cruise, though. It’s what I daydream about during particularly mundane days at work. We haven’t decided what excursions we’ll do because I haven’t researched about them just yet, but there’s this fun zip line and cave tubing excursion in Belize that I have my eyes on. If we make it happen, this will mean we’ve zip lined in four different countries!

4) Pushing publish on The State of My Faith today was incredibly difficult, but writing about my faith journey and where I am today was extremely cathartic to me. Most of the responses I received were positive and even the ones that weren’t came from a place of love and not condemning me at all. (As a sensitive person, I highly appreciate that!) I know faith can be such a tricky subject and a lot of us come to it with a whole lot of baggage and strong opinions. For me, it was important to talk about the way my faith has evolved over the years because I think it’s healthy and normal for that to happen.

5) What do you have planned for this weekend? I am taking it easy tonight to knock out a freelancing project. Tomorrow, I’m meeting up with friends at the Mini Donut Factory and then doing something with my mom: maybe pedicures and furniture “window shopping.” And Sunday will be a laid-back day of writing, running errands, cleaning my apartment, and sneaking in a long afternoon nap. Happy weekend!

The State of My Faith Today

If you haven’t been reading my blog for very long, you might be surprised to know that this blog used to be very heavily focused on my faith. Back then, I wrote about my faith on a weekly basis, but I can’t remember the last time I wrote about it. It’s been a few years at least.

And the answer as to why I haven’t written about my faith is a simple one: I’ve been wrestling with what faith means to me, if I even believe in God, and how Christians are viewed in this culture today.

I should start from the beginning. Settle in, my friends. This is going to be a ride.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church. If you don’t know what that means, basically I grew up thinking someone interrupting a church service to “speak in tongues” was totally normal. I grew up thinking everyone danced in the aisles and front of the church during worship. I grew up thinking I wasn’t “saved” enough if I wasn’t slain in the Spirit whenever a pastor prayed over me. (“Slain in the Spirit” basically means falling to the ground because you’re so overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit; or, if you’re me, it’s because you don’t want to be seen as “unholy” so you fall down by your own power.)

My grandparents were the pastors of my children’s church, and so we faithfully attended church every Sunday morning. We also typically attended church on Sunday night and Wednesday night. That was my life throughout my entire childhood and most of my teenage years. It’s important to note here that my dad never attended church with my mom, my brother, and me. He did not believe he needed church to be a Christian, which is true, but I’m not so sure he is/was a Christian. Mostly because of the way he used to make fun of my mom for attending church. So I had that dichotomy: my mom, a strong Christian woman who took us to church, and my dad, a nonbeliever who made fun of everything that had to do with Christianity.

In retrospect, my dad’s bullying ways is probably what led me to become an even stronger Christian. And, in truth, having my faith helped me through some of my more troubling years of childhood when my dad was at his worst. There’s something comforting about faith when times are tough.

My faith was a huge part of my identity from the time I was young and throughout my early twenties. I was fully invested in everything the church preached: I didn’t curse, dressed modestly, believed sex outside of marriage was sinful, didn’t listen to secular music or read books that didn’t have Christian themes. I wore a “True Love Waits” ring on my left ring finger for years and felt pride in the fact that I had never “given up my special gift” for some random guy. I was highly judgmental of people who didn’t follow the Christian faith. I believed that the only path to happiness was by being a believer. I didn’t believe in gay rights and was staunchly pro-life.

It’s comical to write all of this out, honestly, because it reminds me of a time when I was deeply unhappy. I wasn’t stretching myself and trying to find different viewpoints. I was stuck in a white conservative Christian bubble where things were strictly black and white. Gray areas did not exist.

So, what shifted? Because it’s obvious that I don’t necessarily prescribe to this same set of beliefs anymore. I’m more liberal, for one thing, and I can honestly say that it was the actions of Christians in my circle and the way they so easily supported Donald Trump for president that pushed me over the edge.

But truthfully, I was nearing that edge way before then.

I quickly became disenchanted with the church in my mid-twenties. It started when I tried joining church groups and was ignored. It’s always my worst nightmare – to push myself outside my comfort zone and join a social group alone, only to be completely ignored the entire time I’m there. I didn’t know about my introversion and social anxiety before then, so I thought it was just me. I thought I was good enough for the church. I wasn’t holy enough or friendly enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. And when this happened over and over again, it was easy to believe it was me and not them.

That’s when the cracks in my faith started to appear.

After not finding a place in my church, I started attending church less and less and subsequently, started to read my bible and pray less and less. I was still a believer. I still yearned for God, but it was less important to me. I didn’t think I was holy enough for Him.

And that’s when I really started to examine my faith and what it meant to me. What does being a Christian mean to me, personally? Do I even really want this life?

Every time I opened my bible, my guilt jumped out at me. There was just something about being told, over and over again, that I am a sinner and the only way to make up for my sinful nature is to believe in God that started rubbing me the wrong way. I couldn’t get away from this idea that I am a sinner, I have always been a sinner, and I will always be a sinner. This is really the basic tenant of Christianity, and it seemed like every time I opened my bible, I would learn about a different way I was a sinner and needed God.

Every time I did something that went against the faith, I felt this enormous amount of guilt. It could be as simple as reading a romance novel or as massive as masturbating (yes, I’m getting really real here). The guilt followed me everywhere and I honestly believed I was the only one who wrestled with my faith like this.

I’m not, of course. It’s the simple truth of the faith journey is that we all battle against our “sinful nature,” but what if… I just didn’t have to battle anymore? What if I just let myself do the things I wanted to do – things that, mind you, aren’t hurting anyone and actually bring me great pleasure – without the guilt I always attached to them?

It’s a question that followed me for years. There wasn’t a light bulb moment where I just stopped battling against my faith. It was gradual. I stopped attending church. I stopped reading my bible. I stopped reading Christian fiction. I stopped listening to Christian music. I stopped praying.

Gradually, I stopped battling against my faith. I just began to live my life without the guilt. It was freeing in the way my faith never was.

And then the 2016 presidential election happened and I saw Christians throw their support for a man who went against everything I thought they believed in. A man who bragged about sexual assault and didn’t believe in helping those less fortunate and made misogynistic comments about his opponent and other women. A man who wasn’t faithful to his wives. A man who said terrible things about other people. That is who you want to support?

It was the beginning of the end for me. I couldn’t reconcile my faith with the way the Christian community was behaving. If that is what it meant to be a Christian, I didn’t want any part of it.

So what’s the state of my faith today? The truth is, I don’t really know.

My faith looks nothing like it did when I was growing up. Even still, I take so much comfort in faith, in bible stories, in hymns, in sermons. I believe that God exists, but that He takes different forms for everyone and it’s not my job to judge that. I miss being a part of a church family, but I’ve been burned so many times by the church that I’m not sure I have it in me to try again, even with a church that ascribes to my beliefs. There’s also the fact that I have social anxiety and joining a new church is downright terrifying for me.

But also, I don’t want my faith to be a defining part of who I am. For most of my childhood, it was my main identifier and it’s really hard when your main identifying characteristic is something you’re actually bad at. And something that makes you feel guilty nearly all the time.

At my core, I’m not a Christian. I’m just a woman who is trying her best to be a good person. And not a good person because of my Christianity, but a good person because it’s the right thing to be. A woman who tries to fight an administration that doesn’t embody any of Christ’s teachings. A woman who tries to help out those in need as much as she can, accept everyone as they are, and keep her mind open to differing viewpoints.

My faith today is less about guilt and trying to live up to the impossible standards of the perfect Christian woman. My faith today is to simply be the best me I can be. To honor my needs, to love people where they are, and to live in a way that makes me proud.

TGIF (v. 26)

The high of my week was getting great news from the vet about Dutch’s comprehensive exam. He didn’t have blood work this time, since he got that done back in October and nothing troubling showed up. But he did have an EKG, some other tests, and a spinal x-ray. Everything was A-OK and his spinal x-ray didn’t even show signs of arthritis or his spine deteriorating in any way (I’ve been worried since he’s developed a bit of a hunchback). Homeboy is doing well and I couldn’t be more thrilled, especially after his last vet appointment that was filled with bad news. For now, he’s hanging in there.

The low of my week was finding out my ankle still isn’t fully healed. It’s been about six weeks since my injury and I had a follow-up appointment with my orthopedic on Friday where they took new x-rays to find out if my ankle has healed, and nope. There is still a break. It is slowly fusing back to my ankle, but it’s not fully there yet and means I’m still on limited activity. I guess I’m stuck with recumbent biking for my workouts for the foreseeable future. I made an appointment for early March to get another x-ray (will mark three months since the injury), so fingers crossed it’s healed then!

I’m currently reading The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena. I’ve had this one on my TBR for a while and I’m glad I’m finally getting around to reading it. It got rave reviews from my friends on Goodreads, so I’m hopeful it’ll be a good thriller.

An article I loved was this cover story from Glamour about Tracee Ellis Ross. I adore Tracee on Blackish and have just recently started following her on Instagram and I think I want to be best friends with her. She’s just got this undeniable zest for life that I can’t help but be attracted to.

I have had to really make friends with loneliness. And know the difference between choice-ful solitude and lonely. [I find comfort in] being able to name it, to say I’m feeling lonely, then to have a tribe of people I feel safe enough with to share: This is how I feel.

A podcast episode I enjoyed was Chip in My Brain from This American Life. Oh. My. God. This episode! It is crazy. I really don’t want to say anything about it because it takes a turn about 15-20 minutes into the episode that I was not expecting, and had me dying to discuss it with someone. (Thankfully, a coworker listens to TAL and I hurried over to her cubicle after listening to it on Wednesday to discuss it.) Have you listened? CAN WE DISCUSS? If you haven’t listened, I encourage you to do so.

The best money I spent was $9 on a bulk order of thank you notes. I feel like a proper adult now that I have blank thank you notes on hand for the next time I need to send some.

My plans this weekend include nothing too crazy; it should be a low-key weekend. I have a freelance assignment to complete. I have a writing date on Saturday morning. And Sunday is the NFL championship games and I am soooo excited! I am rooting for Minnesota to pull out a win, since they’ll make history as the first time the home team was in the Super Bowl. And I’d love to see Jacksonville beat up on the Patriots. (Please, Jags, don’t mess this up. The country is counting on you!)

What was the high point and the low point of your week? And if you haven’t taken my reader survey yet, it’s still available if you want to give me some feedback! It would mean the world to me.