Here’s the week when I regret starting this series because oh, my goodness, I am not doing well with healthy living lately. I don’t have much to say for myself, other than laziness, falling back on old habits, and eating healthy just doesn’t seem all that interesting to me right now.
This week was not a great week for me. I mean, in all other aspects of my life, it was. Work was fine. Personal life, fine. I slept well. But I just didn’t feel like eating healthy. Or exercising. Or any of that. I guess I’m just having a real hard time getting back on track after being on vacation.
I’m participating in a DietBet challenge currently but it is NOT going well. I am nowhere close to making my goal, and I’m going to have to be super restrictive over the next two weeks to win back my money. Which makes me feel crappy. I want to start another DietBet right after this one, but if I lose that one, too, that means I’ve spent $83 over the past three months to see barely any results. And that doesn’t sit well with me.
I know I need to take a different focus to this. I feel frantic with losing weight, sometimes. Like the reason I don’t have a boyfriend or a more active social life or more friends is due to the fact that I’m overweight. And if I keep gaining weight, nobody will ever love me and I’ll never succeed at anything I do and life will be terrible and wah wah wah wah wah. Which is so untrue and I don’t know why I keep shoveling these thoughts into my mind. I don’t know why I let them fester, instead of silencing them the minute I think them.
I engage in negative self-talk. I fat shame myself. I fat shame others, which is horrible and makes me feel terrible and I hate admitting it but there it is. I’m not a very good friend to myself. I don’t give myself time to appreciate who I am and what I’m doing now, because I’m so focused on who I wish I was and what I want to be doing in the future.
There has to be a balance. A balance between appreciating myself, loving who I am, in this body, with this life, right now, and striving to make better choices that feel good. Eating unhealthy doesn’t feel good, not exercising doesn’t feel good. I think once I gain that understanding, that who I am right now is okay, but that I want to be a healthier individual all-around, my entire mindset will shift. And instead of being this frantic battle to lose weight so PEOPLE WILL LIKE ME! and IT WILL MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST!, it’ll simply be a change I’m making because it feels good and is the right thing to do.
I need to think of healthy living as something I’m going to be doing for my whole life. This isn’t something I’m doing just to lose 50 lbs, and then I can go back to eating what I want. It’s a lifestyle, and it’s hard to think of it as a lifestyle when it’s something that makes you uncomfortable and annoyed. Something that feels so hard and unnatural.
So maybe instead of making grandiose goals and starting crazy challenges and any other alliteration I can think of, I should take the babiest of baby steps. Start as small as possible, and then once that becomes second nature, add on another goal. And so on and so forth.
This is such a rambling post. It has no point, other than to be a stream of consciousness for how I feel about my healthy living attempts lately. Since this is a weigh-in post, my weigh-in results ths week was that I gained 2.2 lbs. Yay. (I can blame my period for some of this, right? Riiiiight.) Hopefully, this upcoming week is better and I’ll see a better result on the scale.
How do you snap out of a healthy living funk?