I spend a lot of time dreaming and scheming about the life I want to live. I make lists and plans and goals. I can envision what I want and the steps I need to take to get there.
But then I stumble.
And I question myself.
And I stumble again.
And I stop believing I can be powerful enough, brave enough, smart enough to achieve these goals. I stop believing in my willpower and focus on all the ways I’ve failed in the past. I tell myself, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”
I can’t lose weight because I’m addicted to sugar and fatty foods.
I can’t run that half-marathon because I can’t even run half a mile without stopping and it just plain hurts.
I can’t have the social life I want for myself because I’m too quiet and shy and don’t have a lot to offer.
I can’t be bold in my faith because most days I’m not even sure if God likes me.
I can’t find love because I’m too neurotic and complicated for someone to be with.
I can’t find that job I’m super passionate and excited about because that’s just a fantasy.
I can’t even attempt to land any writing gigs because my portfolio isn’t impressive and I can’t handle rejection.
I can’t travel the world because I can barely keep my head above water with my finances as it is.
I can’t get out of debt because it’s too overwhelming to even know where to start.
I can’t move out on my own because I can’t support myself and being independent is scary.
I can’t get more involved at my church because churches are filled with extroverts and my introverted self doesn’t have a place.
I can’t is such a huge part of my vocabulary.
I forget that I have the power to change. I hold the pen to my story. I can erase and restructure.
I can continue the story I’ve been writing for years now. I could continue writing about how I keep failing at losing weight and how hard it is to find friends and how much I want to find a better job but am so scared of leaving my safety net – even if it is a place that is making me more and more miserable.
I can continue making excuses, pretending I’m doing okay, and that I have control over my anxiety.
Or I could start changing my story. I could start looking at all the different times I tell myself I can’t do something and do some deep soul-searching for why I want this goal and what is holding me back from achieving it.
Is it laziness? Is it fear? Is it doubt? Is it because I’ve spent too much time listening to what other people are telling me about how I should live?
I have the power to change my story. I may not feel brave or gutsy. The thing about getting over our fear and doubts is to accept it for what is is. Feel the fear – and do it anyway. If I spend my time waiting for the fear and doubt to dissipate, I’ll never get started on any of my goals. But what if I just let them have their place, let them be there and work with my fear? Understand why it’s there and choose to do whatever is making me scared anyway.
I could acknowledge that I’m scared I don’t have the willpower or the strength to quit sugar or run that half-marathon or eat a cleaner diet. Yes, I’m scared. I am so scared. But then I can make a plan. And I could stick to the plan, even when it gets really super freaking hard. I could continue reminding myself that I am worth all the sacrifices. I could remind myself that it will all be worth it.
I want to change my story. I want to be a success. I want to take all these goals I’ve been stockpiling in my mind and start achieving them. I want to stop believing I can’t do something and just start going after what I want, because I’m worth it.
Nicole of Life Less Bullshit is one of my favorite bloggers and she’s the one who started this call to action. She’s gone through some incredible changes over the past few years (quitting alcohol, switching to a plant-based diet, and running a marathon – some of the biggies) and she’s not done yet. This year, she’s unveiled the Change Your Story project. In her own words: “Identify your old story, write your new story, and then start committing to activities that move you from one to the other. I’ll be working on this project all year – tackling a different self-limiting story each time.”
I have a lot of stories I’ve been writing about myself that I want to change. I have a lot of shit to tackle but I’m committing myself to this project. I wanted 2013 to be a year of big, scary changes. My theme, after all, is “do the work.” I haven’t been doing the work lately. I’ve been letting that little voice inside my head that is telling me I can’t do this or I can’t do that be my truth.
“Everything you think is true about yourself is only true until it’s not.”
Old story: I don’t have many close friendships because I keep to myself. I’ve never been good at maintaining friendships because I don’t try hard enough. I’m shy and it’s incredibly stressful to put myself out there. I feel boring. I feel as if I will never find girlfriends who understand me.
New story: I’m going to be more social. I’m going to attend Meet-Up socializing events and be more active in my book club and stop hiding behind the screen. I’m going to go to events where I don’t know anyone and be myself and see what comes of it. I’m going to reach out to people and form friendships – no matter how scary it seems.
Old story: I can’t eat healthy on a consistent basis because I love unhealthy foods and hate the taste of healthy foods. I don’t have enough willpower to resist sweets. I could never become a vegetarian because I don’t like the foods vegetarians eat. I don’t want to restrict myself.
New story: I don’t have to do it all in one day. Take one unhealthy behavior at a time and fix it. I’m no longer addicted to caffeine – I can do the same for sugar. I can learn to love healthy foods. I can learn to eat sweets in moderation. I can slowly work meat out of my diet. It’s not about restriction – it’s about a cleaner, more wholesome way of eating that will make me feel so much better in the long run. It’s not going to be easy but nothing worth doing ever comes easy. I want this. I want this so badly. I can do it.
Old story: I can’t move out on my own because living with my mom is so comfortable. We have a good system that works. I can’t afford to live on my own. I’m scared to be by myself. I tried it before and failed miserably.
New story: I am ready for this. I have all the power to finally move out, be independent, and begin to create a life separate of my mom. We both need this. It will take some sacrifices, but it’s absolutely doable. It will strengthen me and help me grow immensely in ways I’m not right now.
We can be the best liars to ourselves. We can be negative influences and derail our success. We forget that we need to be our biggest cheerleaders. We need to motivate ourselves. And we have all the power within our grasp to tackle the scary goals that seem so unattainable.
At the end of last year, I wrote a letter to myself as if I was writing it at the end of 2013. (Greatly inspired by Jess!) I wanted to create a vision of what I wanted to achieve in 2013. There is so much hope and goodness and light in that letter. I want to be that girl I envisioned. And I can be. I just have to remember that changing my story means changing my mindset. It means pushing my comfort levels. And it means not settling. As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Ahhh, yes. I get this so much. I agree 100% that the way we talk to ourselves can have a huge impact on how we feel, what we do, and how we view the world. I have so much to say about this, so I’m just going to send you an email! 🙂
I found that my biggest mistake when wanting to make changes in myself was switching over to them as though I’d been that way my whole life. That never worked; I could never stick with it. I finally realized that the only way I was going to make these changes in myself was by taking things slowly. Change one habit from and old way to a new way one week, change another habit a few weeks later. I learned to give myself tasks I could work with rather than trying to throw all the big ones on myself at once. I know how hard it can be to try to change your story. I also learned not to expect instant results. Take your time, do the work, and the results will come when the time is right.
Thanks, Lauren! I think it’s so easy to get stuck on changing a whole bunch of stories at one time and that’s overwhelming and very hard. So I think if I remember that I don’t have to make huge, drastic changes but remember that small steps toward those big changes count just as much – I will find more success and a happier medium. Time will tell!
I just really love the mantra of “change your story” and remember everything I’ve believed about myself in the past doesn’t have to dictate my future.
Wow. I could so easily have written this (just…not as eloquently).
“Is it laziness? Is it fear? Is it doubt? Is it because I’ve spent too much time listening to what other people are telling me about how I should live?”
THAT. That is my life. All of this, but I wonder, so often, about why I refuse to become who I think I want to be.
This is a great post, chickie. Great. I can’t wait to follow this journey – and cheer it on. 🙂 This is exactly the post I needed to read today. 🙂
Oh, I am so glad to hear that! Nicole’s post really struck a chord with me and I felt like I had to write my own post about it. It’s so easy to get caught up in who we are now and what we’ve done in the past that we forget that we have the power to change. We just have to believe in ourselves!
“Feel the fear — and do it anyway.”
I think that’s been unknowingly my life’s motto. I get incredibly anxious and nervous before doing a lot of the stuff that I do anyway. Hosting meetups. Writing blog posts. Applying to nursing school. Dreaming up things I want to do in my life. I think that’s how it is for a lot of people, so I’d like to just add that you are not alone in this. But there is something you can do about it and I love your new stories. I think it really does come down to re-framing how you see yourself and what you’re willing to accept in your life. Seems like you’ve got a good handle on that now. I’m excited to see where you end up!
New situations and new ways of thinking can be incredibly anxiety-inducing. Sometimes, I like to believe I am unique in this way but I know diving into the unknown is terrifying for most people. I just don’t want to live a life where I regret sitting on the sidelines. I have goals I want to achieve and I’ve been holding myself back from those goals because of fear. I was really struck by Nicole’s post and it was eye-opening for me to see, yes, I can change the way I view myself and who I think I am. I just have to believe in myself more.
You can do ANYTHING. I promise. Changing the way you talk to yourself and what you think is the best way to start. I believe in you.
Thanks, Amy! Like most people, I can be my very worst critic and worst enemy. I think it all starts with believing we have the power to change and restructure the way we view ourselves. Anything is possible! 🙂
Love. This.
I find myself saying “I can’t” frequently or coming up with ten ways why something can’t happen. But someone recently said to me ” why not?” and when I didn’t have an answer, I realized it’s all just me. Every issue or problem is because of some misconception I’m telling myself about how things *should* be, when really if I look around and see what’s in my life, it’s all sort of coming together.
Good for you- you want something more out of life and are going after it, and that has awesome written all over it.
I love that – I need to start asking myself the question of “Why not?” when I tell myself I can’t do something. Delving deep into why we think we can’t do something is an important step I think gets left out with goal-setting. Once we discover what is exactly holding us back, we can start moving forward and calming our fears and anxiety.
Great blog. I am so proud of you. You have an immense talent.
This is great. I hope you’re able to stick to the positives, take the next step, and turn “I can” into “I am.”
With me, it’s always fear and shame. I hate rejection more than anything and if it’s a possibility sometimes I’ll avoid doing things all together. But other times, I’ll want something so bad that I get fed up and no longer care about rejection. I’ll just do it. I don’t make slow or gradual changes. I think about things, do nothing for probably too long, and then suddenly I’m all in. Thinking about why I’m afraid helps me get rid of that fear as thinking helps me realize (that more often than not) my fears are foolish.
Rejection is so scary. It’s even scarier when you HAVE tried things and they haven’t worked out. So then it becomes even easier to believe the lies our fears feed us and stop trying altogether. But I know from experience the more we put ourselves out there and the more we keep believing in ourselves, the easier it gets to let go of the fear. Nothing worth doing comes easy, I just have to remember that!
Great post, Stephany! I love that quote of “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” It is definitely hard to re-write our stories, but it is something we can each do. You make some great counterpoints to the story you had been telling yourself.
This post also makes me think of the quote “We accept the love we think we deserve” – except in this case I would change it to say “we accept the life we think we deserve.” But we all deserve to have the lives we want, even if it requires really hard work and perseverance!
I really, really, REALLY believe in that revised quote. We *do* accept the life we think we deserve. I know I let opportunities pass me by because I don’t feel as if I’m good enough for them. I think it all boils down to believing in ourselves and understanding we are worthy to have an incredible life and dive deep into unknown, scary situations that could reap amazing rewards.
Thank you for writing such an honest post about something I desperately needed to hear right now. I too struggle with some of the things you mentioned and have spent the majority of my life just settling for whatever is “good enough” because of the doubt and fear that I can try for something better. As much as I hate to admit it, failure is just a part of life (and sometimes necessary for success!) and I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting not even trying. I think changing your story is such a fantastic idea (I think I’m going to try it for myself!) And I know exactly how you feel about your faith & questioning whether God likes you. It’s such a horrible lie to believe that God doesn’t want you to have a beautiful and happy life, but I know how easy it is to believe when we can’t see the bigger picture.
I want to learn to become unafraid of failure and I think the only way of doing that is to get out there, try things out, fail, and try again. Part of the process of growing ourselves is to fail and try again. Failure leads to success. Sometimes, success happens quickly and sometimes, it takes many, many tries before we succeed. I don’t want to live a life where I sit on the sidelines because I’m too fearful to play the game.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Beautifully written, Stephany. I’m in the middle of writing a post about taking one step at a time haha, so that is my advice to you. I’m in a similar position to you where there is so much that I want to do and achieve and when you look at it big picture like that it all feels so overwhelming! So I’m trying to remind myself small changes, one day at a time.
You CAN do this.
Yes, exactly! I can get so overwhelmed by how much of my life I want to change and there’s just so many little pieces to it. But baby steps are key, because they are building blocks for those big goals. I mean, I can’t run a marathon if I haven’t even put on my running shoes for months, can I? I need to remember I don’t have to be perfect and change everything all at once – take the steps as they come and change little by little.
You are on a roll with the fantastic blogs lately! Another powerful one right here. I can relate to this on so many levels, so many different aspects and ways. I think you are doing great because being self-aware and knowing what you want to change (and can change) is huge. Can’t wait to see what’s next for you!
Thanks, Nora! Nicole’s post was eye-opening for me because it was something I’d been struggling with for months and months and months. It just takes believing in myself and my power to change.
I really, really need to go take a look at this. I’m kind of at a low point right now and I could use something that will build me up.
I highly recommend Nicole’s blog. She’s a straight-shooter and really makes me THINK with all of her blog posts. This post especially was eye-opening for me and all the things I tell myself I can’t do. A must read!
Yes. It is so difficult at times TO change because we’re constantly telling ourselves that we can’t. We beat ourselves up and knock ourselves down before we even get a chance to try. The battle is to not do that to ourselves, to not let that anxious, stressed out voice tell us we aren’t capable of changing our path. This was a great post! Thanks for writing it.
Thanks, Ashley! Fear and anxiety plays such a big role in so many peoples’ lives so we don’t even grasp opportunities that could reap major rewards. I think it’s all about having just a little bit of courage and belief in ourselves – that we are worthy of change, that we can change, and that we are capable of putting in the hard work.
Yes, nothing changes if nothing changes. And you can’t achieve anything if you don’t try to do it! It’s easy to stay in your comfortable situation, even if it’s making you unhappy, but sometimes some of the littlest changes are the best! For instance, moving out on your own….you don’t have to live by yourself. You can have a roommate, which gives you independence but saves you money AND gives you a possible new friend and avenues to other new friends. If you hate it, you can always fall back on plan B, but you may be pleasantly surprised!
Exactly! Sometimes, I feel stuck with what I’m doing and so overwhelmed with what I want to change but I need to realize that baby steps matter just as much. I don’t have to do it all in one day. Taking small steps towards the bigger goals I want gives me the building blocks I need for larger change.
This is such a powerful, well-written, amazing post, Stephany. You can do anything you want, truly, & I love reading about it along the way. Thanks for sharing yourself – & your story, however it may change – with us.
I looooooooove this. You’re such a wonderful writer and you have such a positive outlook in life, despite the harder moments. I believe in you!! <3
This reminds me of the book A Million Miles in A Thousand Years by Donald Miller. Have you read it? I really appreciated his thoughts on how to live a better story.