I hate feeling like a failure. I hate sitting here, eight months after I promised myself I would make big changes to find that I’m no different than I was then. I find this in all areas of my life but the biggest area is with my health. It’s the most noticeable part, so it’s not surprising that it gets the most attention. Or lack thereof.
Weight loss is hard. It’s a long and arduous journey of ups and downs, highs and lows. It’s a completely transformation of yourself, both inside and out. It’s reforming what your brain has been ingrained to tell you to do and eat and say for the past 20-something years of your life.
Yet I know it’s possible. I have seen others do it and I have had firsthand knowledge of the power it can have in the transformation of my mom. She went from a woman who could only shop in plus-size stores, who was winded from walking up one flight of stairs, and who was afraid the next time she went to an amusement park, she wouldn’t be able to fit in the rollercoaster to someone who doesn’t even resemble that person. She’s lost 80 pounds and kept it off. She’s run a marathon and is training for her second. And while she still struggles with being healthy, she makes the better choices more often than not.
I live with this woman. I have all the inspiration, motivation, and support behind me. So why is it still so hard? Why am I still struggling? Why can’t I get this right?
There are weeks when it doesn’t feel like such a struggle. Healthy eating and gym time feels normal. But then there are those weeks when everything I do feels like a battle. Cravings crop up when I least expect them and my ability to withstand temptation is at an all-time low. I don’t want to give in, but it’s just easier than dealing with the tempting thoughts 24/7.
It’s not that I don’t know what I need to do to lose weight. I do. Drink lots of water. Eat lots of fruits, veggies, and lean protein. Indulge every so often. Exercise. Track what you’re eating, plan out your meals. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I know what to do, but it’s the implementation and seeing it through to the end where my brain gets trippy.
I read a quote a while back in one of the fitness magazines I read:
Don’t trade what you want most for what you want at this moment.
What an incredible statement. I need this to be the mantra for my life. I need my focus to be on weight loss and leading a healthier lifestyle. I need to stop looking at what’s going to satisfy me in the here and now and start imagining how much better I will feel when I hit my happy weight. And remember how much better I feel when I’m following the plan and working out consistently.
I’ve noticed how a lot of people seem to have a problem with letting their eating habits become obsessive and controlling when they track what they eat. Everything revolves around what they are eating. In a way, I need to embrace an obsessive tendency towards tracking and what I’m putting into my body. What I’m doing right now is not working. I’m letting my past control my future. One of my Weight Watcher Leader’s favorite sayings is “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.” I’m the poster child for that statement.
Changing your lifestyle is scary stuff. It’s not for the faint of heart and takes more grit and determination than I feel I possess. I see how others have transformed and just wonder how they maintain motivation over the long haul. How they don’t let things like vacations and celebrations get in the way of their lifestyle. The answer is easy, of course. It is their lifestyle. It is their normal.
I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just know I’ve been on the program since the early January and I’ve lost 6 pounds. Six freaking pounds. It defeats me when I see a sentence like that. I know that it’s good that I’m still trying and still at a loss, but it still defeats me. To hear of people who have been losing weight for the same time and have lost three or four times the weight I have is defeating. I know I have my own journey to go through and I knew it would take a lot of kicking and screaming before I finally submit to being healthy and losing weight. I’m a stubborn individual and I don’t like change.
The truth is, I need to take a long, hard look at my eating habits and change what doesn’t fit. What isn’t helping me towards my goal. What is losing the battle for me. I can tell you easily that it involves not drinking enough water, not eating enough in the morning, snacking on things that don’t fill me up, and allowing little things to trip me up like bad news or big celebrations. Plain and simple. Bottom line. I need to start thinking skinny and remembering my number one goal. I want to be healthy and I want to look at my body and be proud of it.
Right now? I’m just defeated.