For the past 2 months, I haven’t been going to Weight Watcher meetings, counting points, or writing down every morsel of food that goes into my mouth. I haven’t been eating as healthy as I know how to, but I haven’t been going crazy either. Instead, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been thinking about my eating habits, my unhealthy behaviors, and why I am the way I am.
Why am I fat? is the question I’ve been asking myself over and over again. Why am I sabotaging myself every chance I get? Why do I still not get it? The only answer I can come up with is that I don’t feel I have a right to be skinny. I don’t have strength to do this. I’m forever destined to be the chubby, quiet girl who feels awkward and out of place because that’s the way I was made.
And those are all lies. They are lies that are so ingrained deep in my heart that it’s taken me years to get to the root of it. If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time, I’m sure you know who the liar is. If not, it’s my father. My father, whose best nickname for me used to be Poochie-Poo, who sent me a letter from prison when I was a senior telling me I needed to lose weight after I sent him my senior picture, and who constantly and consistently made me feel as if I was worthless.
I know they’re lies. I know I am a pretty awesome individual. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m a great friend and a compassionate listener. I have a variety of interest and skills. And I have worth. I am worth it. I can’t go on letting his lies infiltrate my mind and captivate my heart. I have so many other people in my life telling me I am worth it. I have my mom, my brother, my grandparents, friends, classmates, strangers, and you guys. There are days when I don’t know what I would do without the friendships I have made through blogging.
I’m glad I came to this realization, though. It has made me realize what I’m doing to myself, not just through my body but to my heart. And I know nothing in the world could make me more proud of myself than to make a big change to my lifestyle. I want to stop playing the victim and start playing the victor.
And so, I’ve come up with a list of my 5 most unhealthy behaviors. My plan is to take control of these five areas of my life and then I can start cracking away at other areas where I eat moderately healthy, but I could still use a little work. (Mainly, my lunch and dinners which are pretty healthy and we usually eat the correct portions of.)
So there you have it. For now, I’m working on the first two because I know if I can cut out the majority of my soda intake and ramp up my exercise, I’ll see weight loss and just feel better. And that’s my main goal. I want to feel good and know I’m treating my body the best way possible. I’m still eating healthy and still maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but I find that I’m less tempted to cheat and feel like the whole day or week is a loss with this attitude.