When I made the decision to take a complete step back from social media and blogging for the month of August, I was a mess. I was frustrated, I was beaten down, and I was overwhelmed. I needed time away. I needed to get away from my biggest distractions so I could fully focus on myself and what I wanted. I was getting too caught up in all things Internet that I lost the biggest parts of me. I was putting so much energy into perfecting my online persona that my actual, real-life persona had fallen by the wayside.
What stepping away did was clear out the noise that filtered through my brain on a constant, daily basis. Ashley talked about it some in her post when she took a social media sabbatical and it’s so true. You don’t know how true until you step away and realize how much of your world had been consumed by all those little conversations. When I didn’t have Twitter or my blog to run to every time I had a problem, or even every time something good happened in my life, it became up to me to solve my problems. I had to be my own cheerleader. And I began to realize how much I was depending on Twitter and my blog to validate myself. I stopped looking within to find answers and, as a result, forgot how capable and strong I can be.
August was a rough month for me. For the purposes of this post, I’m going to remain vague on the what but hopefully, soon I can sort out my emotions enough to talk about it. But it was a hard month to get through. Definitely my darkest month in a very long time and I still feel like a dark cloud of gloominess, hovering above and infecting everyone I come into contact with. I don’t want to be a dark cloud and I fully believe that we create our own happiness, but sometimes? Sometimes, it’s okay to be sad. I don’t give myself time to be sad, always rushing into a happier emotion so as not to deal with what’s sitting right in front of my face. I guess I figure if I let myself be sad, it would be hard to find my way out.
I let myself be sad in August. I waged a full-on pity party for one. I had big, releasing, ugly cries into my pillow at least once a week – which is major for me. I journaled out all my thoughts. For once, I let my emotions take over my life. I have been so focused on being strong and tough, not letting anything actually touch my heart, that I became stoic and detached from my emotions. I lost the ability to let anyone in, to wear my heart on my sleeve, to trust.
And it wasn’t until I actually let myself crawl into my own brain and lay there for a while that I discovered how much I was covering up because of my fears. Fear of failure. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of what other people would think of me. Fear of my own safety. Fear of love and community.
It was when I took away all my distractions that I actually began to seek out what I wanted out of my life. I discovered passions I had long since buried, paths I had forgotten about because they weren’t measuring up to what I thought I wanted. I began to question things I was doing, finding out they weren’t in line with what I wanted and needed. My future had looked so fuzzy and gray but that was because it was a future I didn’t really want. It was a future I had decided upon because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re in your mid-twenties. And it was safe and easy and simple.
But that’s not the future God desires from me. It’s not the future I desire for myself.
I’m still not fully myself. But I think that’s the point. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. That girl who was content to lead a small life, a girl embroiled in fear and doubt, a girl who let the little things trip her up and overwhelm her. God is turning me completely inside out. He is taking everything I thought I believed about myself and my life, all the carefully constructed plans I had made, and He is demolishing them. He is bringing about new passions and paths, new goals and dreams.
I didn’t fill up my time away with new distractions. Instead, I gave myself the gift of rest. I took more naps. I laid on the couch for hours and simply read (I finished 12 books in August. Woo!). I wrote less but journaled when I felt the itch to write. I let myself be emotional. I wanted to simply be. Not busy. Not rushing around. Not checking off to-do lists. But enjoying the solitude and silence and my own company. It was exactly what I needed.
August isn’t going to be a month I will forget. I didn’t take a fun trip or do anything out of the ordinary. And it was a month filled with inner turmoil, knots in my stomach, and panic attacks. It was a hard month and for the majority of it, life looked bleak and hopeless. But it was also the month where I finally slowed down enough to live through my sadness, to fully process each emotion that ran over me, and to finally take those baby steps to change my world.
The truth of the matter is, change has happened in my heart. Without the barrage of conversations and opinions flitting through my brain from Twitter and Facebook and blogging, I was finally able to hear God’s voice. I was able to tune out what the rest of the world thinks and get tuned in to what God expects out of me. I fully believe He sent me through the gauntlet that was August to bring me to this place. He had to break me down, destroy my hope, so I could finally stop looking down and look up and seek Him. Find Him. Cry out for Him. Need Him.
I spent a lot of August in a daze. I want to feel more fulfilled on a daily basis, more at peace with who I am. And I finally feel like I’m on the path to getting there. I’m on my way to becoming the woman God has called me to be. And through all this, I’m discovering just exactly what God wants from me and how He wants to use me.
Following Jesus is not for the timid or weak in mind. I think that’s what the world believes but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Following Jesus is a crazy messy adventure. It’s about stepping out in faith, listening to His voice, and believing He’s got my back. It’s about letting go of needing to be accepted because following Jesus means you won’t be. But at the end of the day, I have my eyes on the One who took countless beatings, had nails pounded into his body, and carried a cross meant for me… all to say, “You are forgiven. You are loved. You are mine.”
August? August was about my redemptive return to Jesus. It was about knowing how deeply Jesus loves messy, frustrating, screwed-up, ridiculous, silly, and shy little Stephany. And while I didn’t expect my return to blogging post to get so “religious”, this is what you get. This is me. This is how God is changing me. And it all started by turning off the distractions and listening to that voice that has been calling me home for months and months and months.
Oh, man. This is good stuff! I’ve been raised in a very strict Christian home since I was born, and I’ve been saved for 17 years. But it wasn’t until I went far away from Christ and came back that I realized how much He can change you and how much different your life is when you follow Him.
I’m so happy for you. I’ll be praying for you and … well … this is super encouraging!
Thanks so much, Jen!
I was raised in a very strict Christian environment – slightly. My mom was raised in a very strict Christian environment (VSCA?) and she carried that on with my brother and me. My dad, on the other hand, was the total opposite and hated everything about “religion”. So it was a mish-mash and it’s taken me almost 25 years to actually break down all the rules and regulations I thought faith was built on to realize what a true relationship with God actually looks like.
I’m glad this was an encouraging post for you!
As much as it killed me to see you so sad all month, I know it’s maybe something you needed to go through for yourself and for your future. & of course I hope that soon, you’ll be able to figure out what you need out of your life to be HAPPY. You know I’m always here for you!! <3
You have been a rock star during August. So, so thankful for you, friend. I hope happier times are on the way for me as well. Genuinely feel like they are, which is a big step from a week ago. <3
So glad to have you back. You said something really important. I once took three whole years to get over a four year relationship. I know the reason why it took so long was that I didn’t let myself be sad. I ran from one “new experience” to the next and became an adrenaline junkie. Had I taken the time to sit down and cry, I bet it wouldn’t have stolen so much of my time.
Yes, I think being sad is very important. I think it helps us with the process, even if we’re not sure exactly why we’re sad. Life is never 100% rainbows and butterflies and I think we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t let ourselves feel each and every emotion.
It’s very good to be back. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It’s wonderful that you took time for you and let God take control.
Thanks so much, Heather. I think it’s so important for us to share the nitty-gritty and dark moments because they are a part of our story and I think they can help others so much.
Wishing you a month of clarity and renewed joy after such a difficult month.
Thanks, Amy! I hope for the same. It was a rough month and I think the time away helped me figure things out in a way I couldn’t before.
I’m so glad you’re back! Ditto to what Amy said above, wishing you a better month in September! XO
Thank you, Amber! It’s good to be back. 🙂
Sometimes we have to go through some serious crap to get to the light, the good, ourselves and where we need to be. I have been through those dark days myself a few times in my life and it’s not easy at all and no one else really gets it at times except for you, but you can get through (and obviously you have) and it will make you a stronger more enlightened more YOU kind of a person. Always here for you!
Yes, exactly. I think I needed a month of hell to help me figure out the path my life was taking and figure out how to change what I didn’t like. It’s exciting, though, once you figure out what you are actually craving and take steps to achieve that. 🙂
There was a point in mid-to-late August where I thought, “I haven’t heard from Stephany in such a long time! I hope she’s OK!” and then I remembered you were taking the month off and I was so bummed. I missed you!
Even though the month was rough, I’m glad that you were able to get what you needed out of it. I would love to talk if you need it. Hugs and love!
It is VERY good to be back! I thoroughly enjoyed my time away and it helped to clarify a lot for me, but it wasn’t the best of months. But I think it’s necessary to go through those difficult times, sometimes. They help us figure out a lot.
I’ll send you an email catching you up soon!
AH! Love your next to last paragraph. I had a pretty difficult August too and am carrying around lots of gloom into September. Following Jesus means that I am committed to knowing that He has my back and this situation will be turned into good. Sometimes that’s hard, when I kind of want to just yell, and scream, and wallow.
Yell, scream, and wallow could describe my August as well. But I have hope and trust that Jesus will bring all this about for His good. For both of us! <3
This is beautiful and amazing and so, so inspiring. <3
I can’t wait to hear more about your month, when you get through processing it. I’m glad to hear you are in a better place in your faith. I have to say, sometimes I’m very tempted by a break, but with my current school work, it’s really not possible. Maybe someday…
Maybe once school is over? It’s so good to have time away. I am 100% for it!
Very nice post. So true what your wrote on faith. And, we all need these months to recuperate and listen to God 🙂
I am glad that your sabbatical was good for you. It sounds like it was a tough month but as they say, ‘the only way out is through’. I hope that this darker phase is behind you soon, but i agree that it is better to acknowledge you are sad/lonely/upset/confused and deal with those emotions v. shoving them under the rug.
Hang in there kiddo! Hopefully calmer waters are ahead!