I took an unintentional, unannounced blog break. A part of me wants to jump back in like nothing weird happened, and another part of me wants to acknowledge why I needed a few weeks away from my blog. I know I do not owe anyone an explanation, but I also know that writing is therapy for me and this blog is a journal of sorts. It’s a place where I can look back on different times in my life, and remember what I was going through and how I was feeling.

So here’s what’s been weighing on me…

The trip that almost wasn’t

My mom and I leave in three weeks for our New England road trip, but we spent a lot of time in August and early September worrying that we would have to cancel. Why? Finding a dog sitter for my mom’s spicy dachshunds was not going well. Since my mom recently divorced her last dog sitter, it was time to find someone new (my mom really wanted to do an in-home dog sitter rather than boarding them). However, Chip can be a bit reactive at times and doesn’t play well with children, so we had a few not-so-great experiences during “test runs” at potential dog sitters’ homes. One of those dog sitters had children, which should have been a red flag for us, but alas. Funny thing is, he mostly left the children alone, but got nippy with the dog sitter herself. The second dog sitter backed out before she even met the dogs because of my mom’s disclaimer on her Rover profile. (I totally understand her hesitancy, but dang, don’t string us along for a week after reassuring us that you were fine with reactive dogs!) Finally, we found a dog sitter we hoped would be a calm, chill influence on Chip. He lived alone in a house with a gated yard and had no other animals. And he agreed to not accept any other boarders while watching the dogs.

We were very honest about Chip’s behavior, and he seemed willing to work with him. The dog sitter agreed to do a sleepover to test the waters, which happened last week. While Chip wasn’t exactly on his best behavior (he got nippy, sigh), he was still willing to watch the dogs while we’re on vacation, especially if my mom started working on some of the training ideas the dog sitter gave her.

I haven’t even been able to get excited about this trip because I’ve been so unsure if it was going to happen. We were talking about bringing the dogs with us (which would entail a plane ride…), shortening the trip so we wouldn’t be away for so long, changing it to North Georgia or Asheville so we could drive there with the dogs, or canceling it altogether. In the end, the trip is on, and we even found a dog sitter who might double as a trainer for that spicy fur-brother of mine.

(Lucy is her own style of spiciness, mainly in the way she barks at you for attention and loses her goddamn mind when she sees squirrels, ducks, or lizards out the window. It’s a much tamer version of reactive, as she can be picked up and redirected much more easily than Chip.)

The flare that won’t go away

I am still not in a good place with my psoriatic arthritis treatment. I’ve been on methotrexate (25mg) injections since mid-May, and I am six weeks into Humira (40mg) injections. It typically takes three months to start seeing improvements, so I’m still holding out hope, but I am also very frustrated by my lack of progress. I’ve also been on steroids since late January, and I am so ready to be done with them because the side effects suck. However, every time I try to taper, my pain returns. It happened before I started Humira injections, so I increased my dose based on my rheumatologist’s recommendation. After a few weeks on Humira, I restarted the taper. I’m down to 2mg, which is nothing, but I’m having pain again. (My knees hurt like a bitch when I’m walking up or down stairs, and I’m feeling that familiar pain in my hips/IT band when I stand up.) It’s not as bad as it was before starting treatment, but I’m still not 100%.

I’ve also been processing the realities of having a chronic autoimmune condition. Getting insurance to accept my Humira prescription, working with a special pharmacy to deliver my meds, and being so grateful that insurance is covering the cost 100% (when I could be paying $300 a month out of pocket)… it’s been a lot to deal with. Not to mention: What if Humira doesn’t work? I know there are other options, but omg, I just really want to find the right treatment already. What if I’ve spent a whole month trying to get Humira approved and then another three months waiting to see if it’ll work… and it doesn’t? That’s four months not necessarily wasted, but four months gone. I’m trying not to fall down the “what if” thought spirals, but I’m also tired of being on steroids, tired of pain, tired of the wait-and-see approach. I’m tired of not being able to work out at the intensity I was used to. In five years, maybe I’ll look back on this year and remember how hard it was but also that I got through it and found a great treatment plan, but damn, it is hard to be in the valley.

The periods that remain terrible

Last week, I had an appointment with the gynecologist who would be doing my endometrial ablation. Unfortunately, she does not think this path is the right one for me based on the size and location of the fibroid in my uterine cavity. Since it’s distorting the shape of this cavity, my gynecologist is concerned that the ablation device may not be able to adequately treat the entire uterine lining, which could make the ablation less effective. Plus, since I’m only 38 and potentially have many years before menopause, she’s worried the results wouldn’t last until then. It was not the conversation I expected to have, that’s for sure.

There are still a few options. The big one is a hysterectomy. She’d leave my ovaries in place so that I wouldn’t go into menopause, but I felt my heart race the minute she brought up this option. This is a no-go for me right now. The second option is a myomectomy. This would involve just removing the fibroid. (I asked my gynecologist about this because nobody in my gynecologist’s office told me about this; a friend who is also dealing with fibroids mentioned this option to me.) I truly cannot remember why she wasn’t a big fan of this option (my head started spinning when she mentioned hysterectomy and I found it hard to focus), but I’ll ask again at the follow-up. The third option is a medication called tranexamic acid, which I would only take on my heaviest flow days and it would reduce bleeding.

During this appointment, the gynecologist did a biopsy, which is standard procedure for people who come into their office complaining about heavy bleeding. I don’t expect to receive any awful news from this biopsy (considering we know the fibroid is what’s contributing to my heavy bleeding!), but you can be sure as shit I will get a hysterectomy to save my life. I just can’t go forward with it in an elective way, not yet at least. At my follow-up, I’ll again ask about the myomectomy and if I don’t get a straight answer, I’ll probably seek a second opinion. In the meantime, I definitely want to try the tranexamic acid and see how that improves things! (At this point, what are a few more pills, especially if I don’t have to take them daily?)

It’s a bummer to accept that things may not be as simple as I had hoped when my gynecologist brought up the idea of an endometrial ablation. Which also wasn’t going to be a simple procedure, but it was much better than dealing with the heavy bleeding, iron deficiency, and exhaustion every month. But I may just have to deal with it, and well, I hate that option, too.

None of these issues are tragic. Some may even be first-world problems. But they are weighing on me, and they are causing my mental health to be a little less stable than I’d like it to be. But that’s what meds and therapy are for, right? I haven’t had to take my “escape” med in a few weeks, which is great, and now I just need to reach into that mental health toolbox I’ve cultivated and do things like take a walk in the sunshine and prioritize sleep and drink water and nourish my body. Sometimes I forget that mental health is about the basics: sunshine, sleep, and nourishment. It’s also definitely about the meds and the therapy, but I can’t forget the basics.

So I’m okay and I appreciate anyone who reached out while I was on my impromptu blog break. It felt good to be missed! I am back. I have blogging inspiration again. And I hope you’re hanging in there, too.