“Are you going to be sad tomorrow?” my mom asked me, as we sat in a booth at Panera Bread on Saturday afternoon.
My mind raced as I took a bite of salad, trying to place what she meant. Tomorrow? What was tomorrow? What did I have to be sad about?
“Oh!” I finally said, realizing what she meant. “About Father’s Day.” I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be sad.”
I thought about it for a moment.
“Not as sad as I’d be about Mother’s Day, though. A lot of people have crappy fathers, but Mother’s Day would be really hard.”
Yesterday was my sixth fatherless Father’s Day. Is it getting easier to not be with my father on the days I should be with him?
Yes… and no. I still get sad. It still hurts not to be with him when I could celebrate this day with him. It’s not as if he’s died and I’ll never get to see him again, except it’s almost as if it is.
A few months ago, I saw my father. I knew instinctively it was him. He was riding his bike down the very same (busy) street I live on. His signature bandanna wrapped around his head, his legs pumping. He turned his head in my direction right as I passed him and I looked straight at him. He didn’t see me, he was looking above the traffic but I know it was him. My face heated, my heart rate rose, and my breath came in spurts.
“Was that Dad?” my mom asked. She was driving us to lunch.
I nodded. “Yep. That was Dad.”
It’s weird, you know? Here he is, living this life without his kids. He’s working and biking and shopping and laughing and sleeping and hugging and making memories without us. As if we don’t even exist. This man who used to be my entire world, who used to make me laugh so much and played with me and walked me to the bus stop and gave me silly nicknames and sat with me as my brother and mother rode roller coasters at theme parks and… he’s just a memory now. I just have memories of how much fun I used to have with him. Memories of the way he made me feel loved and safe and happy.
I’m no longer mad. It’s been so long that the anger has dissipated, leaving in its wake pure sadness. I want a relationship with him again. I want to see him, hear him say my name, hug him. I want to have a father again.
But I also know that I need more from him. I have so many good memories of him. But I also have so many awful memories of him. Memories of him cursing at me when I spill a drink. Memories of him taking my brother and me to play tennis and him only playing with my brother because my skill level just wasn’t as good as theirs. Memories of him holding a knife up to my mom’s throat or yelling at her or abusing her. Memories of an answering machine message where he threatened to kill my mom. Memories of him berating me, making me feel less than worthy, making me feel that I needed to do more and be more for him to love me.
I couldn’t have that man in my life anymore. I deserved better. I deserved a father who loved me unconditionally, foibles and all. I had to sever the relationship. I did it because it was the only way I knew I would be able to learn to love who I was. The only way I would learn to accept myself. It was hard and scary and I worried every day if I was being selfish and a brat.
Five and a half years later, I know I made the right choice. For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I would no longer be treated that way and I was worth so much more. I no longer judge who I am by my dad’s standards. I learned to love my shy, quiet, introverted nature. I learned to stand up for myself, put myself out there, and above all, love Stephany just as she is. Stephany is a wonderful, wonderful person and he is missing out on me. He is missing out on so much.
Father’s Day will always be a hard day, knowing I made the decision to shut the door on my relationship with my father. While I know I made the best choice for me, there’s always that niggling feeling of guilt. I wonder constantly what he thinks of me. Is he sad? Mad? Apathetic? I just don’t know. Living a fatherless life is hard. I can’t relate to those with wonderful fathers and I can’t relate to those with fathers who have died. Thankfully, there is an army of us – those with deadbeat dads who can’t help but feel like we lost out on something special with the fathers that were handed to us. We’re the ones who wake up on Father’s Day always a little melancholy, a little sad.
Father’s Day will always be hard, but every year, I get less and less sad about it. I choose to focus on the men in my life (such as my grandfather and my brother and my uncles) who have stepped up and shown me the true worth of a father. They are the ones to be celebrated and loved. They are the ones this holiday is all about.
To my father, I love you tremendously and not a day goes by where I’m not thinking of you. I hope, with all my heart, you understand why I had to find my way without you and I pray that one day we will both be able to have a relationship again and mend the hurt in our hearts.
Aw, this was a beautiful post. And I applaud you for opening up your heart and sharing what this experience is like for you. I think you should definitely be very proud of yourself for eliminating a person from your life that was such an unhealthy influence. I can’t imagine how hard that much have been, but it sounds like you are at peace with the fact that it was the right thing to do. But even knowing something was the right thing to do doesn’t make it easier, so I understand how your heart still aches over that decision.
I’m sending you hugs, my dear!
Thanks, Lisa. There are a lot of feelings of guilt surrounding this decision, but I know I made the right decision for me and it’s helped me to grow into who I am and be accepting of myself. I hope we can one day have a relationship, because I really miss him. But, for now, I’m finding happiness in standing up for myself and choosing to honor myself but taking him out of my life.
Good for you for doing what was right for you!
I’m proud of you for standing up and protecting not only yourself but your family. That said, I’m sorry that your dad has made this decision (and a bad one, I believe) to live without you and your brother at the least. I stopped thinking about Father’s Day after my dad died and my heart would turn cold whenever the day came up. I hope you spent yesterday celebrating with those great men in your life and celebrating your mom! I love you. 🙂
Thanks, Natasha! It’s sad to live a life without my father, especially since he’s alive and just living a life without his kids. This month has been harder than usually since he turned 50 on the 5th and I wasn’t able to celebrate that milestone birthday with him. And then Father’s Day, which is always a difficult day. But I’m so proud of myself for standing up to him all those years ago and I can only pray we’ll one day be able to have a healthy relationship. Thanks for all your support! <3
Oh, I can relate to this post completely. My dad hasn’t been actively involved in my life in more than 15 years. But we all have to do what is healthiest for us. I’m proud of you! (P.S. This is formerly The Non-Student. I’m back writing again! I’ve missed my blog friends.)
Stephany,
Beautifully written. He is missing out on so much. I couldn’t imagine my life without you and Mark. I love you.
Well this just made me cry at work.
It’s hard making the right decisions sometimes, especially since they aren’t always the easy ones. Big hugs to you, my dear.
Thanks, friend. The best decisions can usually be the hardest ones, but I am so much better off without him in my life right now. Hopefully one day that will change and we can repair our broken relationship, but for right now, what I need is to focus on myself without him. Thanks for all your support. It means the world. <3
I do not speak to my mother. She was abusive to my sister and I after my parents’ divorced. I made the decision in my early teens to cut her out of my life. It was difficult, but at 14 years old, I knew I shouldn’t feel like crap and shouldn’t be crying after I got off the phone with her. While it was hard, I’m glad I did it. I am a better person for it today, and I have accomplished so much in my life because I refused to let her or anyone else tell me I can’t or won’t make anything of myself.
We are kindred spirits in this. It’s such a hard decision to walk away, because you should NEVER feel that way about a parent. They should love & accept you, no matter what. And, thankfully, my mom does and I have such a strong bond with her. I’m very glad you had the courage and bravery to walk away and build a better life for yourself because of it. Hugs!
Wow- that’s some tough stuff right there. Good for you for setting healthy boundaries in a very bad situation. Hugs!
Thanks, Sarah! It’s hard when you have to set boundaries with a parent but it was absolutely what I had to do for me and it was the right decision. Days like Father’s Day and birthdays can be tough, though.
Sending hugs. I’m sure it will never get *easier* per say but this is part of you and part of what makes you who you are. I for one think you’re super strong!
Oh, thank you so much for this sweet comment! It has taken me a long time to finally find peace with my decision and to move on from it. It’s exactly what I needed to do to find my own happiness, even if it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Thanks for your love & support! 🙂
Father’s Day has always been really strange for me, too. We’re in similar (except different) situations because your father is still alive and, reading your paragraph on that- him living without you?- I can’t even imagine. How does he live with himself? He was a part of your life and now he just isn’t, how is he okay with that? It hurts me so much for you. I’m sad for many other reasons, but I’ve come to terms with fatherless father’s day. Since last year, I now look forward to it for my brother and my SIL’s father, who is such a wonderful person to have in my life. I must say that after 14 years, it has become much easier for me, because I need to know how to live without him. It would be much MUCH (in fact, infinitely) more difficult to have a motherless mother’s day, because she is everything to me… I guess we just have to learn to live in our situations, right?
Thinking of you!! Great post.
It boggles my mind that my father can be so cavalier about not having his kids in his life. And maybe he’s not and maybe he’s hurting just as much as we are, but is too stubborn to do anything about it. I don’t really know. Father’s Day is getting easier, but it’s still hard. If that makes any sense. I still want to be with him, but I know I made the right decision and I have peace in that.
But a motherless Mother’s Day? Man. That would be the most difficult. I don’t even want to imagine that.
My relationship with my dad has always been difficult, but he has never been that violent. I am so sorry you had to go through that, and that you can’t have the relationship you want with him right now. I like to think that in the future when I’m a little older, my dad and I can have an easier time together, but I think I will always be a bit of a mysterious to him. I don’t think he understands me that well, and I think I sometimes take for granted the hard childhood he had with his own father and stepfather. I feel like the father-daughter relationship can only go two ways–good or bad, with very little gray area in-between. And when there’s bad in it at all, it’s always more prominent in your memories than the good ones. At least for me it can be. I hope you managed to have a pleasant day regardless. You definitely deserve to be happy, and if your dad never gets to be a part of that, then that’s his big loss.
When you talk about your relationship with your father, it definitely reminds me of how my relationship with my father was. He didn’t exactly understand me, either, and always expected me to kowtow to his wishes so when I started standing up to him… he didn’t exactly know what to do and it affected our relationship. I really hope you and your father can someday grow into a more happy relationship, and he can see what an amazingly awesome daughter he has.
Oh, Stephany, when you write about your (non-existing) relationship with your father, it breaks my heart. My Dad is my everything. I could not imagine living without him…. BUT, and here’s the thing, I would have done the same thing if my Dad treated me (and my Mom and sibling) the way your Dad did. That is not right and you were very mature at a young age to make this hard decision to stand up for yourself and not let him treat you this way.
What makes me sad is that he still lives so close to you and is able to live his life without his kids, that he’s not willing to change or at least try in order to have a relationship with his kids.
Hugs to you my friend. This is tough sh*t.
Thanks, San. It IS very tough sh*t. I think the hardest part of it all is knowing he’s living an entire life without us – without his son, without his daughter, without his grandson. But I did what I had to do and I have peace with my decision. All I can do is pray we can one day have a functioning, healthy relationship. Your support means the world to me. <3