I’ll admit that every now and then, I’ll succumb to the draw of The Bachelorette, and this season, I’ve been watching. It’s research! (Right?) So, a couple of weeks ago, it was “hometown” week where the bachelorette meets with each remaining contestant in their hometown to get to know their family. And, during one visit, a contestant’s sister sat down with her brother and asked him this question: can you be yourself with her, unapologetically?
Ooh, that’s good. That’s real good.
I’m not dating right now because I needed to step away and figure myself out. I felt that I was dating just to date because it was what I was supposed to be doing. Every time I would hear about another person I knew finding love, my heart would sink, my stomach would knot up, and I would fall into a downward spiral of panic and anxiety and wondering when it would be my turn. If it would ever be my turn.
So, this quote really made me step back and think. Everyone says you have to love yourself before you can love another, and I always thought that was a little cheesy and hokey. But maybe loving yourself isn’t so much about standing in front of the mirror and saying, “You are beautiful and funny and nice!” but about being unapologetically yourself.
Maybe that’s what’s missing.
People say that your twenties are a period of self-exploration. I won’t lie – my twenties have been a bumpy, bumpy road. I look at people in their thirties and they seem so self-assured and as if they know themselves and where they are going. And me? Oh, goodness, I am fumbling around in the dark. I’m confused and worried and upset and annoyed, yet also satisfied and content and happy and excited. Oh, it’s a whirlwind, the twenties are!
I’ve been reading through posts I wrote when I started this blog – and I was just 21 when I started it. I was a baby! I feel so sad for that girl because she was really, really confused. This is a girl who didn’t have any friends (no, really, my mom was the only person I hung out with), who didn’t quite know herself. And the things I did understand about myself I didn’t like – I hated being shy, being an introvert, being a homebody. I was filled up with anxiety every single day but didn’t know what to call this incessant panic and fear I carried with me every day.
I’ve grown in the past five years, but I still have a lot – a lot – of growing to do. And part of that growth involves learning how to be unapologetically myself.
Being unapologetically myself means…
- Embracing my introverted ways and realizing two to three hours is my limit with being around people.
- Learning to be okay that I’m in my mid-twenties and still live at home. This is not a character flaw. This is just part of my story.
- Understanding that I am a highly sensitive person that gets easily overwhelmed and doesn’t like loud spaces or chaotic environments. And that I most likely get my feelings hurt waaaaay more often than other people.
- Opening up about my faith and the role it plays in my life, even if I do feel like the worst follower of Christ 95% of the time.
- Realizing that I’m just a quiet person. I’m not the one initiating conversation or making small talk to strangers. And while I will open up and be more outgoing the more I know a person/group, I’m also always going to be the quietest one in the gathering.
- Embracing my bookish nature, and that my love for reading mainly falls for silly romance novels, chick lit, and women’s fiction.
- Owning the fact that I am a homebody and that nights in will always be more glorious to me than nights out. I don’t like being out past 11 p.m. any night of the week because it just makes me anxious, and I really don’t like being busy on weeknights.
- Recognizing that it’s okay if I don’t have a lot of experience with guys. There’s nothing wrong with being 26 and realizing the furthest you’ve gone with a guy is first base.
These are my truths and writing them out helps me to see who I am and what I want. I’m not ready to reactivate my online dating profiles, but I’m doing the work to get to a point where I can do so. I think one of the first steps is discovering what I am really seeking from a relationship because there’s no point in dating unless I understand why I want it. And, through these truths, I can start to form a picture of not only what I want out of dating, but how I want to date. But perhaps that’s a post for another time.
For now, I want to embrace these truths I’ve listed above. And start to recognize that it’s okay to be single, it’s okay to have very little experience with guys, and it’s okay to be me. I believe dating will come a lot more easily once I own that.
What does being unapologetically yourself mean to you?
My 20s were definitely a rollercoaster for me as well and I really felt quite lost a lot of the time, so you are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do. I think it’s natural and that people who have their sh*t totally together in their 20s are the exception, not the norm IMO… I have learned how to not apologize for who I am, but it definitely took years to get to this place. And I still have times when I feel uncomfortable -like when I am in social settings and am not able to drink. Being unapologetically myself means accepting and owning that I have no interest in going to the bar or taking a trip to Vegas. It means realizing that I do better in smaller gathering and could never do a big blogger meet-up because it would be too overwhelming for me. It’s realizing that my love for numbers/math is what makes me unique and it not something to make fun. Lastly, it’s owning the fact that I like being in bed at 9 pm on a Friday night with a good book.
This is so great, Stephany! I think it’s pretty normal to fumble around in your 20’s; it’s kind of what they’re for. 🙂 I know I went through it, and I’m glad to say that now, in my 30’s, I know who I am and what’s more – I really like myself! I’m an introvert, a homebody, I love family, like to be open with my life and connect with other people, prefer the simplest, natural approach to life, I embrace being a working mom, and above all I want to know Jesus more and more and learn to live out my faith! I think that sums it up. 🙂
I hear you, there’s so much that goes on in your twenties. I feel my twenties so far have been all about constant change. My life never feels the same for six months straight. It can be both exhausting and exciting all at once! Loved this post, keep on learning Stephany!
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and Steph, you have grown SO MUCH. It amazes me.
My 20’s were a MAJOR rollercoaster. When I turned 20 I was dramatic, emotional, kind of angry at times, and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. As I grew older all those things seemed to lessen but I experienced a lot of heartbreak because I wasn’t true to myself. Had I really looked at myself and asked myself what I really wanted I don’t think I would have married my first husband. That’s a hard pill to swallow BUT I do believe things happen for a reason.
All those things brought me to who I am now. Maybe it was a hard road to take to get to where I am but I don’t know that I would have ended up settled with Izzy had I not gone through what I did. At nearly 31 I am so happy and confident with where I am. The rollercoaster was necessary to get me here.
I think life leads you where you need to be, but the experiences, good and bad, are what help you get there. And I think the more you look at it the more you’ll learn about yourself and the more you’ll grow.
But I think you’re doing a fantastic job.
Good for you for putting it all out there! Personally I had jumped from high school sweetheart to college sweetheart and then after college took a break from dating to really focus/find myself and it was honestly one of the best things I ever did! It didn’t happen over night, but when you can let go of the worry/over thinking/looking for the “one” and just live in the moment it really is amazing! After about 2yrs of this I did finally met the man who would be my husband, so you never know!! Chin up and hang in there, great post!
PS: It is funny, there is something about your 30’s that do give you a bit more confidence, but I would say that has more to do with not giving a #!@$ anymore 😉
I love, love, love this post. I struggled a lot in my early 20’s with being embarrassed about certain parts of my personality. I still do a little bit now, but I am learning to love who I am. I don’t like going to bars, I don’t like stay out past 10pm on ANY night of the week, I like to have weekends with no plans, I love to sit at home and read a book with a cat in my lap, I like to spend a lot of time with my family and I could never picture myself leaving my hometown and there’s nothing wrong with any of that!
This is a wonderful post, Stephany. As I like to say: “Love yourself now so you can love someone else later.” Sounds like you’re definitely doing that.
This. So much this. My early 20s was such a huge mess in that I didn’t give myself any time to get to know myself and get solid before I jumped into a relationship. The end of that relationship was such a catalyst to fall in love with myself and God and now that I do, life is so much better. I applaud you so much for being unapologetic about your life and how you want to live it. You’ll be so much better for it down the line.
This is how I know if a new person I meet is someone I really want to be friends with. If I feel compelled to act one way or another that doesn’t feel completely myself or if I suddenly feel like I don’t measure up, I know that’s a huge warning sign to not waste my time trying to be friends.
Love, love, love this and it’s accuracy!!! Thanks for this!!! It’s inspiring
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! Whoa, Steph. You’ve hit on a lot of really important things here. This post definitely inspires me to think about what being apologetic means to me.
Hi Stephany,
Its nice to have found your blog! I really enjoyed reading your perspective on this and I’m sure you will help many others build their confidence.