I’ve been going back and forth with myself lately, feeling this need to talk about something I’m going through, but knowing it involves another person and it’s always dicey to talk about things that involve multiple people. But I’ve had a few people ask me about this and I feel like I should talk about it.
The last day of January, I broke up with my boyfriend.
We broke up for a variety of reasons, which I’m not going to discuss because it’s not my place. I will say that the breakup was mutual and it was drama-free. I still think he is a great guy; he just was not the guy for me.
What has been most interesting for me has been my process through the breakup. I mean, let’s be honest: it’s not as if this was a long-term relationship. We were together for a little over a month, but as someone who likes to refer to herself as “chronically single” and does not really date, to give myself over to a relationship for even a short amount of time is a Big Thing for me.
But I’m not here to talk about dating or our relationship. Rather, I want to discuss my guilt.
You see, ever since we made the decision to break things off, I’ve been outrageously happy. My immediate reaction to the breakup was one of relief (which is telling, yes?) and since it happened, I’ve been… happy. Really, really happy.
I’m happy in my singleness. I’ve always identified with being single. I’ve never been the girl that needed a boyfriend. I was single through high school, single through college, and have remained single in my post-collegiate life. I don’t have insane dating stories. I don’t have a ton of ex-boyfriends littering my past. I don’t spend my days perfecting my online dating profile. My weekends are filled with things solely for me: freelancing, time with friends, time with my mom and my brother and my nephew, reading, working out, writing.
I never realized how much I craved the independence that a single life brings me than I do right now. And, yes, I’m certain people who are in serious relationships also have their own independence and I’m not saying that can’t exist, but it’s just different. It’s different when there’s no one to check in with, no one to worry about. When I can make the plans based on my schedule alone, and not anyone else’s. I suppose I’m just in this time of my life where I want to be single because I’ve yet to find the guy I’m willing to give up my independence for.
And maybe it’s also the introverted HSP in me – a girl who has limited amounts of energy, and who needs incredible amounts of alone time to recharge. I can’t spend entire weekends away from home. I get depleted, I get tired, I get upset. I need my home, my bed, my dog, my comforts. I need quiet, relaxation, peace, stillness. I need it more than most people. I need it to stay sane, to stay in tune with myself.
So being single again doesn’t feel awful. I’m not sad about being single, not sad about the breakup. I’m relieved and I’m happy and I feel so satisfied and content with the life I’m building. It’s a good life. It’s a really good life. And, right now, that life just doesn’t seem to have a place for a romantic relationship. There are other things I want to expend my time and energy on.
But I feel guilty feeling this way. I feel as if I’m wasting time – I’m in the latter half of my twenties, this is prime time! This is when I should be dating, should be settling down, should be considering building a family. And yet… none of that appeals to me right now.
And even though I’m happy and I feel fulfilled and content… there is guilt. There is worry that if I stay content and happy in my singleness, then I’ll grow comfortable and complacent and not ever try to move on to the next season of my life. That I’m wasting my most precious years, holding tight to my singleness.
I mentioned this to Nora, whom I could also consider my life coach for all the pep talks she gives me. She is wise and brilliant and completely understands me because she was in my shoes once, too. And this is what she told me (I stole part of our conversation because I want to remember it forever and ever amen): “Be you. It makes you happy. The rest will come when it’s meant to. You’re not wasting time. You’re becoming and are the person you are meant to be. You have the rest of your life to be with someone, to love them. Don’t feel guilty!”
Wise, right? And so completely right. The single life makes me happy right now. It’s not wasting time to be completely in love with being single and want to spend time focusing on myself, discovering more deeply what I want out of life. I’ve known for a long time that I’m someone who likes to swim against the current. I dance to the beat of my own drum, do things a bit differently than other people. I’m not going to be the girl dating around, worried more about finding a partner to build a life with than building a life I love on my own. And I’m young! I’m 27! I have so much of life yet to live and I want to live it the best way I know how. Whether that includes meeting someone in the next few months, the next few years, when I’m in my forties, or never, I’m going to build a life I am proud of. And I’m going to stop feeling guilty and start appreciating this season of my life.
I completely agree with Nora. Do not feel guilty! Your gut feeling is usually right and if it is telling you that what you’re feeling is right, it probably is! I had this strange feeling that in my twenties I needed to savor my alone time. I just knew that my thirties were going to be completely different – and I was right! I am SO GLAD I listened to that feeling and enjoyed my solo time in my twenties.
Agreed! And on those days when you DO feel guilty, ask yourself what’s better – being happy and single or being unhappy and in a relationship/dating because you think that’s what you “should” be doing. I LOVE that you are so happy being on your own because that is such a key aspect of a relationship – you have to be an individual to be part of a couple – and that’s going to be something fabulous you bring to the table. Enjoy yourself and your life right now my friend!
There was this Saturday right after my exhusband moved out when the sun was out, I was out doing something alone that I wanted, and I just felt so filled with joy, which was immediately followed by that same guilt you feel. But I realized and forever will preach– standing up for yourself and what you want in life is ALWAYS the right answer and is never guilty. As long as doing what you need to do is not hurtful or vindictive to another person, being selfish is the appropriate thing in many circumstances. As I dated and tried to rebuild a life I wanted after my divorce, I realized it was going to take some amazing guy to take the place of no guy- meaning that I was happy as my life was and I was only seeking a partner to compliment that life, not be some piece to fulfull it. You’re on the path to greatness girl, own it, love it, and what you want will come your way. 🙂
Oh, friend, I’m so touched that our conversation resonated with you. Reading this post reminds me so much of my life in my twenties. I totally understand and can relate to where you are coming from. You’re doing exactly what you are meant to be doing and I’m proud of you for recognizing what you want (vs. what the world says you should want). <3
Nora is very wise!
I think in general we all need to feel a lot less guilty about a lot of things! There is so much guilt associated with life these days. We just need to live our lives the way we want and as long as we’re not hurting other people who cares! I’m glad the decision to break up has ended up being so great for you. I’ve told you this before but there is an overwhelming difference in the tone of your blog posts from the last few years ago – I can really *tell* you are truly happy and I love it!
I’m SO glad you are happy! From the outside (even through the screen) it comes across and so I know you are doing the right thing.
My brother was one of the most selfish people I know with his time (he’s still pretty selfish in general…I love him, but it’s true) and he swore he’d never get married. But then he met the right person, and he did. So I think you’re right on when you say you haven’t met the one worth giving up your independence for. (And I’m NOT saying you’re selfish at all!) I can tell you it is for sure a sacrifice and you have to feel good about it. 🙂
You just described my entire 2014. 🙂 Minus the guilt.
Good for you! And yes, don’t feel guilty! Enjoy your freedom and independence!
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS. And if you do, let’s commiserate, because I know I shouldn’t, but I do all the time. I love my alone time. I cannot handle seeing someone every day or being expected to hang out with them multiple times a week. I am quiet. I want quiet time. I need to recharge, by myself. Repeatedly. And I know that eventually, that will be OK with someone else, too.
<3
Yes, great post! You should never feel like there is a timelone for your life because it’s different for everyone. Enjoy this time to yourself while you can! Now that I have a baby, I don’t have any me time at all. I love him to death and I wouldn’t change anything at all, but savor your me time now. 🙂
As someone who had (unconsciously) followed societal expectations by getting married early, I’m going to tell you that you should never feel guilty about being single. Even when I was separated, I liked having time for myself and being independent. I don’t think you should have guilt at all. Besides, you’re spending this time to love yourself and that is never wrong.
Great post! I think that maybe this relationship came along to show you or remind you that you really are happy on your own. I think it’s pretty darn fantastic that you are so happy and at ease on your own. I think a lot of people strive for that and never find that so they seek that contentment in others, and then still don’t find it and feel lost. I’m definitely thankful for all of the single years that I had and like you, I never really felt pressured to find someone as my life felt full as it was – which was why I really resisted online dating because I didn’t want to force finding someone. Try not to feel guilty about your sense of contentment. It’s something to relish and be proud of!!! But I know that’s easier said than done because I am the queen of feeling unnecessarily guilty!
Even though I met Erik when I was 23, I felt the same way throughout my teens and in college while my friends were dating. I just didn’t want to. I didn’t like the stress and time commitment of dating. It just wasn’t something that was a priority for me. I think that’s great. Although I don’t believe in courtship, I do think that dating should have a purpose. And it doesn’t have a purpose for you right now, and that’s great. You’re living your life exactly the way its meant to be. 🙂
I think Lisa is totally spot on about this relationship coming along to be a learning experience for you, to show you or remind you that you are happy and fulfilled on your own. Timelines are a bunch of crap anyway. I say this from experience and not to judge ALL people who get married young, but so many people get married at a young age because of “timelines” and “what everyone else is doing” and it’s so stupid, for lack of a better word. I had to make a lot of mistakes to get to where I am now and I am actually envious of your strength and inner awareness because it’s something I wish I had in my early 20s. Listen to your gut and own it. You’re not wasting time if you are happy. I know that it’s tough to not compare our lives to other people’s. Guilt is something that is all too rampant in our society, like Amber said. I love what Kristen said about a relationship should complement your life, not fill a void. And as far as your concern about becoming complacent and not trying to move forward? Life has a way of falling into place when and how it’s meant to. I truly believe that. I’m proud of you for sharing this post and for how far you have come in the last couple years!
Love this post. I agree with everyone that you do not have to feel guilty about this – but I also totally understand where you’re coming from! I’ve been in this boat a lot of enjoying “less conventional” things, but thinking I should be trying to do what I’m “supposed to do”. And then of course realizing I don’t really want that. 🙂 I came to your blog through Amber at Girl with the Red Hair and I’ve been really enjoying your posts (especially ones on being an introvert and HSP).
I’m a perpetually single girl too. There’s a satisfaction in being independent, being able to figure things out and take care of myself. Now I’m approaching my 30th birthday (yikes!) and feel ready to settle down, find my person, whatever, and worry it’s too late. But enough about me, I’m so glad you’ve found contentment. Seriously, it’s a good place to be. Enjoy your freedom! 🙂
Thanks so much for the honest update, Steph. I bet this wasn’t easy to write. I can totally understand this guilty feeling. I haven’t been in a relationship in forever, but I’m so comfortable being alone at this point that I don’t even know what it would be like to be any other way. Embrace your happiness- try to push the guilt aside even though that’s easier said than done. You deserve happiness 🙂
I hear you. I couldn’t believe how relieved and at peace I felt after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend. I was WAY happier without him! Fast forward two years of embracing the single life (and loving it!) I ended up somehow finding that one person that doesn’t drain me to be around and that I was in sync with…married him! Where ever life takes you though, this moment where you’ve admitted you’d rather be alone than have to “put up with” someone else (even a nice guy!) is so empowering and freeing. Congrats!
Great post, Stephany! I think it’s great that you value your independence and won’t just give it up for anyone.
I could definitely relate to your struggle with giving up your independence when Chris and I first started dating. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so I was used to being by myself. Even though I liked him a lot, I had a really hard time letting him into my life those first few months! I had to talk to him about my struggles, but luckily he completely understood my need for space and me-time. I think the fact that he was so understanding of my request made me realize he was truly the guy I was willing to give up my independence for. 🙂
Keep doing your thing, lady. And don’t feel guilty about it. You have the rest of your life to devote your time to someone else!
It sounds so trite, but things happen when they’re supposed to happen. You now have the experience of knowing what you DON’T want, which is a lot of what relationships teach you. My ex-boyfriend was the poster child for everything I didn’t want out of a partner. For you, the relationship itself (not necessarily the other person involved) taught you that you didn’t want something that would take away your independence and your quiet time.
As for guilt, society makes so many of us (especially women) feel guilty for SO MANY THINGS. It’s hard to brush it off, but realizing that everyone has their own lives and timelines is one of the better lessons I’ve learned. I mean, I’m not always the happiest that I’m *just* moving out of my parents’ house when two of my friends are married, have houses, & are having babies this year, but for the most part I’m okay with the differences. Our lives all have different paths. We can only judge our life against how we want it to be, not how it compares to those of others.
You’ll be ready to give up your independence when the right guy comes along! I think it’s fantastic that you know and stand by the fact that you’re pretty happy without a SO right now… a lot of people seem to feel they always “have to be with someone”, even if they’re not really in love with that person, and knowing that you are just fine on your own is a huge accomplishment, IMHO.
I swear we are “soulmates” or something, haha. This is EXACTLY how I feel and my older brother keeps bugging me about dating. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 7 years and left him a year ago. So working through all of that, I have been trying to accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me for choosing to be single right now. I just posted something about this yesterday on facebook and 20 people “liked” it and I got a few encouraging comments which I wasn’t expecting. My brother didn’t respond and it was directed towards him. Personally, I think he would benefit from choosing to be single but he’s always in a relationship and they never last long. Anyway, thank you sooo much for bravely putting this on the internet because you have greatly helped me feel more at peace with who I am 🙂