I’ve made a concentrated effort to not talk about healthy living on my blog as much as I used to. Mainly because my attempts to write about this topic never seemed to have much use, other than to complain about how hard it is. And to make excuses for why I’m not losing weight. I could write an entire post doing both right now if I wanted to.
But I don’t want to. Because I’m tired of complaining and making excuses. I’m tired of feeling that I’m just not good enough because I can’t seem to get it. I’m tired of feeling sad when I look in the mirror, discontent about who I am as a person because there’s too much of me in my reflection.
I think the crux of any healthy living journey is not so much about the physical. It’s not about exercising more, drinking more water, eating more fruits and veggies, eating less processed food, calorie counting, or portion control.
The crux of a healthy living journey begins when we start taking a good, long, hard look at ourselves and discover that the way we treat ourselves, the way we talk about ourselves, and the way we believe our worth has more to do with the number on the scale than who we are inside is where it all begins.
I’m not very kind to myself. I berate myself when I mess up and don’t work out on a day I said I would. I whisper lies to myself when I’m standing in the bathroom, looking at my naked reflection and hating every single inch of my skin. I tell myself that I am not worthy to be loved. That I am useless because I’m not following a healthy lifestyle. I wonder on a daily basis why people even like me – because I am fat. And fat equals unlikeable somehow, at least in my mind.
The truth of the matter is that I know these are lies. I know I am a wonderful person. I am smart and funny and kind to others. I make people laugh, I lift their spirits. I’m a hard worker and a go-getter. I’m understanding and trustworthy. My weight has no bearing on the person I am inside. If I lost 50 lbs and really embraced a healthy lifestyle like I keep saying I want to, my worth would not change. Skinny people are no more worthy of love, attention, and affection than overweight people. We are all worthy. We are all deserving.
For the longest time, my attempts at losing weight have been less about being healthier and more about finding my worth on the scale. I thought that if I was skinnier, if I didn’t have weight problems, my life would magically be better. As if the only thing holding me back from living a life I loved was my weight.
It’s probably because I’ve been told this, time and time again, in the media and on reality TV shows (The Biggest Loser is such a dangerous show to watch when you struggle with weight-related self-image problems). I’ve been told that being overweight holds us back from so much – love, friendship, travel, happiness – and that once we lose the weight, everything will fall into place! Like magic.
Now, in a sense, that’s true. Because you develop more self-confidence and a greater appreciation for your life and yourself by going through a tough weight loss journey. I’m not denying that. But I also think the true weight loss journey begins when we begin to unpack the lies we tell ourselves about who we are. And realize that healthy living is a form of self-care, not a form of self-torture.
Healthy living is not about denying ourselves what we want. Or pushing our bodies to the absolute limit in our workouts, yet feeling incredibly guilty for missing one day of exercise. Or following a restrictive diet (a diet that seems all too prevalent in the healthy living blogger community, if I must be honest.)
Healthy living is about choosing to take care of ourselves. It’s one of the greatest acts of self-care. That’s the point of healthy living. And when healthy living becomes more about feeling better inside than it does about looking better outside, that’s when change happens. That’s when we begin to restructure the way we talk about ourselves and our bodies. And, in turn, begin to choose whole foods and find exercise routines that fulfill us because we want to, not because we feel we have to in order to live up to some skinny ideal.
I do want to lose weight. But more than that, I want to be kinder to myself. Because I deserve that. Because my worth doesn’t change, no matter what the scale says. Because good god can we stop being so damned obsessed with our bodies and our weight and how we look? Does it really matter in the long run? Is this what people on their deathbeds worry about? No. Not at all. Not even a little bit. What matters is how we lived, how we treated others and ourselves.
The point of healthy living is about so much more than the calories we consume and the workouts we accomplish. I don’t need to lose weight because it means I’ll be a better human being if I do so. It’s not about checking off a goal on the list. The point of healthy living is feeding my body good, whole foods because I appreciate my body and all it does for me, and because I want to treat it well. It’s about exercising in a way that makes me feel good – not because I feel I have to, but because I want to, because I know I am improving my heart health and overall well-being.
And the point of healthy living is also about how we treat ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, in the quiet of a bathroom as we stare at our reflection. And the berating? The whispered lies? That is something I’m no longer going to accept. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who called me fat or lazy or worthless or dumb. So why do I not hold myself to the same standards? We have to hold ourselves to the same standards.
Healthy living? It’s something I don’t have a complete grasp on. But I’m continually working towards it. And I’m working towards it because I want to treat my body – and myself – well, not because I have to in order to prove my worth.
Lots of great points/realizations in this post. For me, healthy living is about self-care. I haven’t owned a scale in 7 years, I’d say? Maybe longer? I don’t like focusing on that metric to determine how I am doing in terms of my fitness goals. I think it’s always hard to get started on implementing healthy habits but once they become habits, I think they do help with body image. I used to be the queen of insulting my body and complaining about my ‘trouble areas’. I still have my bad days where I am critical but more often than not, I’m amazed at what my body is able to do… And that’s what I try to focus on versus the size of my clothes or the number on the scale, etc. I want to look and feel good, but mostly, I want to put in the time in effort so I can live a long and healthy life because that is what healthy living is really about.
You know I can relate to this, right? Especially right now. I have not been kind to myself lately. I take arbitrary numbers – my weight, the size of my clothes, the size of my waist or hips – and let them completely define who I am in a negative way. Isn’t that the opposite of “healthy living”? I agree that most of the “healthy living blogs” out there are not actually healthy. They are skewed and restrictive and that is precisely why I’ve taken a major step back from blogging in the last month or so. I wish it was easy to stop talking about our bodies, our weight, our appearance, etc. You’re right – on our deathbeds we will NOT be thinking about those things. Yet I guarantee I will spend a good part of my cruise obsessing about how I look in the photos rather than soaking up every second of my vacation and that makes me so mad. It’s a vicious cycle.
One thing that I’ve worked on in therapy sessions is to talk to myself as if I’m talking to a friend. Do I let my friend’s weights or sizes define who they are to me? Absolutely not. My opinions do not change whatsoever if a friend gains 10lbs or is overweight. I love them no matter their size or appearance. I would not like a friend more if she lost 10lbs or gained 10lbs. This exercise is a LOT harder than it sounds. I have a really hard time talking to myself the way I would talk to my friends and family. It is eye-opening to realize that.
Worth a read!
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-handle-life-get-out-of-your-critical-head/
Stephany, I absolutely love your perspective now! This is the way to look at things and is so spot on! When I lost all the weight that I did, it did not change my personality traits nor did it change the way people felt about me. My family and friends didn’t love me any more than they did before. It did make me more confident, but it didn’t change the core of who I am. Now that I need to lose a good chunk of weight again because of the pregnancy, I am trying to be more forgiving of myself than I was before. I just started working on a post today about how slow it’s going… but I have to be okay with that slowness!
I am so happy for you and proud of you for your views on healthy living!
What a beautifully written post, Stephany! I loved this so much.
Like you, I struggle with weight issues and healthy living, in general. When I was at my heaviest, I thought for sure once I lost the weight all of my problems would be solved, I’d instantly find a boyfriend and everything would be amazing. How very, very wrong I was! It’s crazy to think I even thought like that for so long.
Instead, like you mentioned, I did find a lot of other benefits- specifically around my confidence, which did lead to *some* happiness in those other areas of my life, but it’s definitely not perfect.
I guess what I’ve learned is that healthy living is a life-long journey. It’s not just for right now while you’re actively trying to lose weight or get healthy. We’re in this for the long haul, for better or for worse.
Thanks for sharing your poignant thoughts here! xoxox
“…healthy living is a form of self-care, not a form of self-torture.” Amen! So proud of you for writing this post!
Also, do you follow So Worth Loving? They are a small business in Atlanta – they have apparel (t-shirts, bags, etc.) you can order but their message is literally their name – you are So Worth Loving. It’s amazing how reading one of their messages in my Instagram feed can boost a day!
I needed this so bad today. I haven’t been able to go to the gym since Saturday because I’ve had some stomach issues and didn’t want to upset that. And of course that means I always fell off the health food wagon.
I want to lose weight and I know I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. And I know it’s because of what society tells me. And that SUCKS. It’s stupid and it sucks. We should want to be healthy to improve our way of life, to longer our lifespan, to feel good. Not because we want to be skinny.
Such a great post. It made me think of this really great article I saw the other day on Facebook about the cost of getting lean. I’m pretty healthy but I always want more – more definition in my arm, more toned abs, less annoying extra fat around my hips. Anyways, this article/infographic really put it into perspective what I would have to give up to gain all of that: http://www.precisionnutrition.com/cost-of-getting-lean-infographic
So now I’ve decided I just want to be healthy and energized. I want to be healthy enough to chase my kids around one day without getting out of breath. I want to have enough energy that after a long day of work I can take the dog for a walk and I WANT to take the dog for a walk and move my body. I find that when I sweat every day and nourish myself with healthy foods these things happen. But no, my body is not chiseled and I don’t look like an athlete and sometimes that’s hard and I beat myself up over it.
For me, it will always be a lifelong journey. Some days I’ll be good at it and some I won’t. But I’ll just keep chugging along and trying.
Stephany, I love this—it’s probably the most important thing I’ve read in a while. In January I made the decision to embrace a lifestyle change and had been doing great with it until vacation in early March. Since coming home I have had a hard time getting back into the swing of things, and I beat myself up over it on a daily basis over it. I’m going through a lot of these same things. I know there are good things about myself that have nothing to do with the weight loss, nothing to do with what I eat or how much I exercise. And yet, I don’t do a good job of treating myself the way I want to be treated.
I do want to lose weight. I do want to make that effort to get to the gym every day. I do want to be able to wear *that* outfit eventually. But most importantly, I want to FEEL healthy, and I want be able to look in the mirror and know that I’m treating myself with kindness and respect, and that’s not something any scale can help me with.
This post is amazing.
It’s absolutely phenomenal. I love that you are finding this place. Because it’s true: there is this popular portrayal of healthy living as denial, as torture, as being obsessive and all about weight. But healthy living is all about that inner thought process, about treating ourselves and our bodies with the love and kindness we would treat a friend. (this post is what I work to tell all my clients all the time. It is like trying to swim upstream though) Keep it up, and you’ll find that “life you love” with “healthy living” as a side factor.
Also have you ever heard of Health At Every Size? It is a fantastic movement. Check out the book by Linda Bacon if you haven’t.