I’m afraid of missing out.
I’m afraid of not living my life by the mantra “YOLO!”
I’m afraid of wasting my time, of not measuring up to my version of success, of not measuring up to other’s versions of success.
I’m afraid of not being special, not being important, not being necessary.
I’m afraid of dying and I’m afraid of living.
Not that I’m suicidal, or even depressed. I’m not. Life just feels… overwhelming at times. There’s so much to do. So much to see. So much to measure up to. So much to hurt. So much to love. So much to be.
I’m afraid I can’t do it all.
I have friends who fill up their free time with adventures and funny dating stories and traveling and just doing. They don’t sit still. They have buckets and buckets of energy. I get tired from even one night out.
It’s probably why I hate dating so much. Even one date expends so much of my limited energy. And if the date goes well and then I have to consider adding a person into my solitary lifestyle? Forget it. It feels like too much work.
I always wonder what it’s like to be the kind of person who thrives on being busy, of balancing a ton of responsibilities. Someone who makes plans upon plans during their weekend, barely having time for sleep.
I thought I had accepted who I am.
I’m introverted, which means I get drained by social interaction.
I have social anxiety, which means my mind is constantly buzzing with worries of what people are thinking of me when I’m with them.
I’m highly sensitive, which means loud places and conversations rattle me.
All of this thrown together gives you a person who thrives on slowness. On quiet. On calm. On peace.
And I like that about me. I like that I am content in my own company, happiest for quiet nights in and lazy weekends.
But I also don’t like that about me. I don’t like that it takes so much energy for me to go out. I don’t like that my natural personality is one who is a hermit and that I have to force myself to make plans with friends and accept social invitations.
And not to mention, when I do go out and be social, I never feel totally comfortable, no matter where I am. (See above: social anxiety) I’m always worried about something. I’m worried about the logistics of where I’m going. I’m worried about holding a conversation. I’m worried about what people are thinking of me and if they actually even want me at this event.
It’s exhausting. It’s so exhausting to be in my head.
So what’s the solution? How do I let go of the fears and the worries and the constant anxiety? How do I finally start living a YOLO-kinda life? How do I stop being afraid that I’m wasting my time?
Therapy would probably help.
But more than therapy (which I do admit I need, no doubt about that), I think it comes to truly accepting who I am. Which is hard, when the whole world is filled with extroverts. And yeah, sure, introverts are having their time right now. But truly? Extroverts still rule the world. And I don’t fit into that world.
I’m a girl who hates to be busy. I like quiet weekends with one or two (or zero, even) social engagements. I don’t have the mental stamina to stay out all night (and I never have; this isn’t a cutesy “oh, I’m just getting old! Tehehe.” No. I was this way at 20.) and I hoard my alone time like a fiend.
And the people in my life understand this about me. They get it. I’m not saying I have friends who think I’m weird for my need for alone time. Quite the opposite. But there’s still this… fear… that I’m not doing enough. That I’m letting myself off the hook. That I need to be more extroverted… even though I am 100% not an extrovert and I shouldn’t strive to be.
(And don’t even get me started about dating. Dating is a whole other version of hell when you’re shy, introverted, and socially anxious.)
I’ve definitely come out of my shell more in the past few years. I’ve made a close circle of girlfriends. I try to make plans on the weekends, even if it’s just one thing and the rest of my weekend is spent puttering around my apartment, writing and reading. But it’s still hard to look at other people’s lives and realize how different mine is. How less exciting, less courageous, less bold. I worry that I’m wasting my time.
When it comes down to it, though, I think we’re all scared that we’re not doing enough. Some of us may feel like we need to get out more, while others may feel like they don’t know how to relax and unwind. We all want our lives to mean something. We’re all afraid of wasting this precious time on Earth.
The truth is, we’re not wasting time or missing out or not living up to the “YOLO” standard. We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. We’re all trying to be the best versions of ourselves, and sometimes we fail at that and sometimes we succeed and that is the absolute beauty of life. That is the power of the human experience – failure and success and trying.
Let’s all keep trying.
I commend you for being honest about how you feel as it’s tough to put yourself out there like you did in this post. I think that coming to accept who we are is something that just takes awhile. I spent most of my 20s feeling insecure about things like my lack of interest in going out/drinking and my struggles and phases of disinterest in dating. I thought my life was boring. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve embraced the “Sorry, I’m not sorry that I don’t enjoy doing things others love doing like staying up late, drinking or going to bars.” I’ve embraced my lifestyle and luckily I’ve met someone who has the same interests and preferences for what we do on a Saturday night (although he does like to stay up later than me, so later than 10 pm. Ha).
I think the beauty of being an adult is that we get to choose how busy our schedule is. If you like to have a fully scheduled weekend, then good for you. If you want a quiet one, then good for you as well! As long as your social needs are being fulfilled, that is all that matters. And it sounds like you are surrounded by people who do not judge you for how you choose to spend your free time, which is also important!
I can relate to so much of what you wrote in this post. I often wonder if I will regret not taking more chances or living a more exciting lifestyle. I think I’ve become more accepting of who I am as a result of learning more about myself in recent years. My biggest source of insecurity actually stems from my siblings. They are so very different from me and I often feel like there is something inherently wrong with me for not being as outgoing and social as they are. I am type A and a perfectionist, they are both laid back and go-with-the-flow. They enjoy drinking (and can tolerate a LOT more than I can) and going out to bars and staying up late, while I prefer maybe one glass of wine and staying in. I love them to death but I think there is so much comparison wrapped up in sibling relationships, and I struggle with accepting that different isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I also think social media makes us think everyone else is living a glamorous life when in reality, only the highlight reels are being shared on Facebook and Instagram.
Have you ever read anything by Pema Chodron? Living Beautifully and When Things Fall Apart are both awesome. Both books talk a lot about fear, change, and acceptance, and really leaning into our insecurities and simply being aware/awake. Once you start to really notice your thoughts and habitual patterns, something really changes.
I can relate to a lot of this, I’m constantly fighting my introverted nature. I pretty much wish I was an extrovert on a daily basis. I definitely worry that I’m wasting time and missing out and not doing enough. Dating and being social feels exhausting to me too, I’ve come up with strategies to counteract them somewhat.. but it’s still really hard. I don’t really have any advice since I struggle with similar things, but just know you’re not alone.
I can totally relate to some of this, even though I know that it seems like I’m out there a lot and doing a lot of stuff I have friends/coworkers that are doing even more and I have found myself comparing myself to them in the past. Isn’t that the thing, someone else is always doing more and making you think you should be better/do more? A big thing that I struggle the most with actually is that a lot of our friends are buying houses, having babies and just generally *seem* (keyword is seem here haha) to be soo much better off than us financially. I need to keep reminding myself that Eric was in school for 4 years and is now struggling to find permanent, full-time work so it’s ok that we’re a little bit “behind” there is no true roadmap to life anyways.
I love Lisa’s take on this – this is the beauty of being an adult! We get to decide what we do, when we do it and how we spend our time even though playing the comparison game is very very hard to avoid. I think it’s because we get to see the beautiful parts of so many people’s lives through social media. Which don’t get me wrong, I love social media and I love sharing and appreciating the beautiful pieces of my life through it, but it also means I constantly need to be reminding myself that everyone’s path is different.
Great honest post. I love this.
I’m a fan of Stephen Covey and his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of the most helpful things I got from this book was from the exercises that let me look at what was important to me which produced my own personal intention/mission statement. It means I can say no to things that matter least without guilt but it also pushes me sometimes to say yes to things that scare me, but its something that matters most. In your about page you state your intention to be vulnerable, to help people realise they are not alone and I think you achieve that. Thank you for such an honest post.
God, I love this so much. I made it my life’s purpose to not believe in regrets, but with things like this, it’s hard. I am not the typical woman my age. I have a husband and a baby and a house and I’m a Stay at Home Mom. I don’t have many friends other than my husband, but I’m learning to be okay with that. My life is the EXACT way I like it and how I enjoy life, but it’s hard not to be afraid of looking back and being sad I didn’t go out more or do more crazy things when I look at the Instagrams of all the people I graduated high school and college with and not feel like I did something wrong.
I had a moment in church this past weekend (the topic of the sermon was how busy we are and how sometimes going nowhere is totally necessary and ok) where i realized I fill my time up, especially lately, with things that I don’t want to be doing and how I feel like I’m letting myself down. I’m not reading, blogging, exercising, making time for me or time with my friends or husband. I’m down on myself because I feel like I’m failing and flailing, and I don’t like how I feel these days. At all. I know a lot of it is due to the shock to our lifestyle when the girls are here and I know I need to grant myself grace but frankly, I just feel like a failure. And it sucks. I’m struggling to accept that this is my life in the summer, even though I love the girls and my husband. I’m struggling to find ME in the midst of the chaos. I’m struggling because I have a list of things to do (fun and practical) that is collecting dust. All this to say: thanks for reminding us that we are doing the best that we can and to keep trying. Sometimes life comes in waves, so I’ll just ride this one out and see where it takes me. <3
Stephany, I feel like I could have written this myself because we have so many similarities. I have never been the “going out” type of girl, and when I AM out, I feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I always wonder if I missed out on the early 20s going out to bars and party things but it’s just never appealed to me. I’d rather be home reading. I feel like I’m always so busy lately and it is difficult because I also need alone time. We are all doing the best we can. 🙂
Girl, I’m extroverted and feel a lot of what you’re saying. Especially now that I’m unemployed and turning 32 next week. Gah. I feel like I’m not doing enough of the right things (career, house, family, kids). I feel guilty when I opt out of activities, like trips for bachelorette parties and architecture tours in Chicago because I’m afraid of spending money because I’m afraid of not finding a job. I sometimes am not sure what my boyfriend sees in me and then I make myself sick comparing myself to strangers in his past.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is, I don’t think the people who look like they have it figured out have it figured out, regardless of what their myers briggs is. life is an unrelenting perpetual lesson in WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT DO I DO NOW? We get comfortable in something and then they’ll be something else that makes us feel insecure and inadequate. Maybe accepting that will ease the anxiety. I haven’t figured out how to accept it or be more graceful about life!
Damnit, “they’ll” = “there will”
I think that you probably do more than you think you do! When I read your blog I often find myself wishing I could be more like you — read more books, do exciting things like ZIP LINE, take cruises, go on adventures to museums in my own city, join a book club, etc etc.
When I’m feeling this way, I try to take a minute and actually stop and think about the things that I actually DO do and I feel a little better.
I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of regret lately any time I do something that’s not “productive.” My weekends are Sunday and Monday. On Sundays, Adam and I try to do something fun or maybe work around the house. But Monday is my day. And frankly, I wish I could just let myself read all day or watch a marathon of movies or craft or write or whatever. But instead I scurry to do chores and run errands so that when Adam comes home, I can rattle off a whole list of things that I’ve done to make myself seem busy. He doesn’t even expect these things (his day is Saturday where he does whatever he wants to do) but I feel like a failure if I don’t have a whole list of successes for the day. I’m slowly realizing that these things that I feel are a waste of time are actually good for me. I need to remember to make time doing the things that I love even if they’re not necessarily “productive.”
As far as your social anxiety and introversion is concerned, I feel this way 80% of the time. I feel like I should go out and do something but staying home always seems like such a better idea. Friday and Saturday evenings especially go something like this: make grandiose plans of outings, banter back and forth about where to go for dinner, end up getting to-go, Redbox, and drinks at home, fall asleep on the couch by 10 if not earlier. Every. Single. Weekend.
Loved this post and your honesty! Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re pretty amazing.
The good thing about getting older is that you’ll care less and less what other people do and listen to what YOU want to do.
Of course, there will always be situatons where you *wish* you were more interested in something or you think you’re “weird” for being the only person who is not interested in something, but I think that this is the case for everybody!
Maybe even the most extroverted person sometimes *wished* that (s)he wasn’t and could enjoy solitude and quiet a bit more 😉
I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and reading through this post and a number of your others…I feel I can relate to your thoughts and experiences in so many ways. This post particularly struck me as lately I’ve been struggling with the “fear of missing out”. This fear/feeling has kept me company on and off throughout my teens and into my 20’s, and I thought that by the time I reached my late 20’s, this feeling would no longer plague me. I am an introvert, I enjoy my solitude and quiet nights and weekends in, and yet I feel like the world is passing me by sometimes. Our society places so much emphasis on being “busy”, on doing “more, more, more” that I think many people have lost the ability to stop and think, to do nothing, to just “be”. The fact that there are others out there who remember and live a life of slowness, calmness, and just being provides hope that not everyone loses themselves in the waves of “busy”. Thank you for writing this post – it reconfirmed things I already know to be true and valuable about my own life :). I look forward to reading more of your posts, you are a lovely writer!
Karan johar shares his own story struggle of acceptance it was like when i was a kid I used to be extremely effeminate, and there came a time when i wanted to change that about myself, i even did some voice coaching classes and I went and tired to get some baritone in my voice because I wanted to sound masculine, till i realized later on in life that i did all that for social acceptance for people to think that i am not who I am but realized in time that not for them to judge it is me to be comfortable with and fight my own battle on my own an I do not have to change myself. Accept me has who I am without trying to make any changes.