I’ve made no secret of the fact that I have struggled with my recent move. I knew it would be a tough transition for me, but I just didn’t know how tough it would be. I felt as if I prepared myself as much as I could; from other moves (and especially from my move to college when I was 18), I knew I would struggle. But you can’t know how much you will struggle, how hard it will be, how intense the feelings will feel until you are in it. Until you are living through the anxiety and the fear.
This change was hard. It was so hard.
And when you’re 27 years old and have just moved out on your own for the first time, and crying because you miss your mom and you miss your old environment and everything feels so new and different and strange?
It’s hard to give yourself grace.
It’s hard to not feel as if you’ve failed at life somehow.
It didn’t help that my roommate was doing juuuuust fine with the move. She was bubbly and happy and so excited to live with a roommate after a year of living on her own. She’s one of those people who thrives wherever they are. College? Not a problem. New city where she knows nobody? No biggie, she easily finds her social groove. She’s four years younger than me, and the fact that she handles change wayyyyy better than I ever will is a little demoralizing.
During the first few days after the move, it was hard not to spiral down into an existential crisis. I got lost in the “How Will I…” game. How will I ever be able to live on my own if living with a roommate – someone I dearly love! – is such a hard change? How will I ever be able to handle moving in with a partner, if the time ever comes for that? From there, it morphed into worrying about something happening to Dutch or my mom, my lifelines during this time. It’s a scary slippery slope when the mind turns on you like that. I was reminded of my first few weeks of living on campus in college and how much I struggled with the transition. I thought, with this move, I would handle the change better because I was older and wiser and good god, 27 years old, time to stop living with mommy! And yet… here I was… nearly 10 years later and still struggling.
Oh, the mind. It’s a scary place to be when you’re in the trenches.
What was most helpful for me during this time was talking it out and indulging in self-care habits.
I talked it out with friends, I called my mom daily just to talk, and I even let my roommate in on my struggles. I was nervous to do so because I thought she might think I was lame for struggling. But she offered me grace when I couldn’t give myself it. She offered me peace when my mind was in chaos. And she offered me the light bulb moment I needed when she told me that change is my trigger. For her, change isn’t a trigger, but for me, it is.
It was as if I could finally allow myself the grace and compassion I needed. It’s a trigger. It’s not a personality flaw. It’s not me being a baby. It’s just my trigger. For me, a big change such as this causes huge issues with my anxiety. It causes something that I can generally control on a day-to-day basis to rear its ugly head and overwhelm me with feelings. I could finally say to myself, “This is your anxiety talking. You will be okay. You will make it through. You just have to sit here for a while and be sad and cry a bunch and wait for the tide to pass.”
This too shall pass. It’s cliche, but I want that tattooed on my body because it’s so hard to remember that when you’re in the gauntlet of emotion and hardship. This too shall pass.
You will get through it. Life will be different – not bad different, not good different, just different. You will survive. You will thrive. This too shall pass.
Also, self-care. I’m a big proponent of self-care because I’ve seen the magic it has worked in my own life. Without self-care habits, I’m not sure I would understand myself as well as I do. My self-care habits after the move included daily bubble baths, reading light and fluffy romance novels, indulging in all the TV I needed, and allowing myself junk food. I’ll admit, some of these habits aren’t the most healthy, but it’s what kept me sane during the few weeks of turmoil. I needed them to find my way out of the gauntlet. Self-care habits, get you some.
I wish I was more accepting of change, but I’m not. As a highly sensitive person, I place a high value on comfortable environments. And with such a huge shake-up to my living situation, it overwhelmed my senses and opened me up to anxiety and panic attacks. But it’s been seven weeks since the move, and home is starting to feel like home. I’m happy here. I feel joy when I step inside my apartment. I’m comfortable with this little life I’m building for myself in Tampa.
I know more change is on the horizon. It’s already happened with losing one of the most important people in my life. I’ll lose more important people. I’ll switch jobs (hopefully not anytime soon, though). I’ll maybe even find a partner to build a home with. It’s all going to be hard. As long as I acknowledge that it’s okay that it’s difficult for me and that I allow myself the grace to adjust to the change, I think I’ll be just fine.
How do you feel about change?
I would say that I do about average when it comes to change. I like routines and feeling comfortable, like most do, so change is always hard, even when it’s an exciting change. But I have found that I do much better when the change is something I am choosing. I changed jobs this summer and handled the adjustment pretty well because I chose it. But when I moved to Charlotte, I did not really choose that and I found it impossible to embrace or accept that change. That is something I need to work on because sometimes things change and it’s out of your control. The Charlotte thing was an extreme example as it totally uprooted my life but i look back and see I could have handled it differently and better.
I am glad you are beginning to adapt to your new environment and are enjoying where you live!
Change can be so tough. The year I moved, fought a custody battle, bought a house and got married? So much changed every day that year and while I think I did ok, I definitely had some panic attacks and melt downs along the way. Not proud of it, but that’s the truth. Other things that I did not choose, like Lisa said, have been much harder for me…and then the really horrible kinds of change, well, I still struggle with those kinds everyday.
Proud of you for figuring out what works for you, what doesn’t and how to get through it. You’re a rockstar and an inspiration 🙂
Time is the only thing that helps me with big changes. I have a hard time sleeping and like you, I had to find things I felt comfort in. Junk food being one of them. When I got divorced and moved out on my own for the first time I couldn’t imagine going through that without my dogs. They are an extension of me and undeniable source of comfort when everything around was unfamiliar. Keep doing what gives you sanity and try not to compare yourself to your roommate 🙂
i absolutely thrive on change, but i know that isn’t the case for everyone. i think my anxiety builds when i’m stagnant and “the same.” we often rearrange furniture in the house, take trips, and that sort of thing to keep the anxiety down. so i guess we’re opposites when it comes to triggers, even though we’re both introverted. 🙂
Self care is so, SO important! I love that you know this and have go-to habits that you can use to cope with stressful/high anxiety times.
I thrive on change. I’m a fan of shaking up my life in big ways when something isn’t working for me. The older I get the more bold moves I make, and the more bold moves I make the easier it gets to make them! I find it very satisfying.
Great post and I loved reading the responses. I’ve never evaluated my feelings towards change before but I see that I constantly plan, prepare and execute change to improve my life but I’m resistant to change when I see no reason or benefit to it. As for unplanned changes, I can keep a clear head in a crisis but once the dust settles I need a lot of time to process the change and build myself back up. This would be where self care comes in and I’m not sure what that would look like for me. Thanks for giving me some food for thought.
It’s awesome that you’ve identified this as your trigger- I think that’s a perfect way of looking at it…and also a way to give yourself that grace that it sounds like you need. I’m so proud of you for taking this big step! Doesn’t matter how old you are- it’s still a huge life change. In fact, because of doing this at age 27, rather than say age 23, I think it makes it even more difficult because you have been used to one thing for so long. Keep going, girl. You’re doing great. xox
I love and hate change. I chase novelty and like new chapters and move every year (because of roommate situations, etc) but sometimes even the good changes give me anxiety. Moving is a weird emotional thing and when roommate situations change, that’s just one more added stress to just simply moving your stuff to another place.
Oi. Hugs hugs hugs.
SO proud of you for figuring out change is a trigger – and even more proud of you for sharing it! Grace upon grace upon grace my friend!
xoxo
I’m so glad to hear your living environment is becoming more comfortable and also that your roommate is sooo supportive — you chose the right roommate!
I mostly like change, especially when it’s something of my choosing, but I’ve never really been forced into major change in my life (like Lisa with her move to Charlotte!) so I feel like saying I like change I choose is not the same as liking ALL change. I think if something really crappy was kind of forced on me I would not be as happy about it.