I was in the middle of one of those mindless Instagram scrolls, procrastinating on work, when I came across the above photo, posted by Amy.
I stopped. I let out a breath. I read the words on the photo over and over again, wanting them to sink into my skin. My eyes dropped down to Amy’s caption and I sucked in a breath when I read the words, “What is meant for me is already mine.”
Whoa.
I’ve been thinking a lot about timelines lately. I’ve been thinking about how I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 28.
When I was younger, my only goals in life were to get married and have kids. (And also to be a vet, but I let that dream go happily after one college-level Human Anatomy & Physiology course that nearly crushed my spirit.) There’s a lot of talk nowadays about gender roles and sexism and misogyny… talk that I wholly agree with and embrace. But I still wanted that “girly dream” of a white wedding and lots of babies.
In my early to mid-twenties, I was adamant that I didn’t want kids and I didn’t want to be married. I rarely dated. I told myself it was because I was too busy with school and work, but the reality was that I was scared of dating. I didn’t think I had what it took to hold a guy’s attention. I didn’t think I was particularly charming or witty, and I definitely struggled to hold a conversation. It was just easier to stay single and focused on other things.
As for babies, well, I spent my early to mid-twenties working in a preschool and I wanted nothing to do with children when I left that world. I loved the kids at my preschool (well, most of them), but goodness, they were so much work. I’m someone who craves alone time and quiet and lazy weekends… I just didn’t think I had the personality to be a mother.
But here I am at 28, and this decade of my life is swiftly coming to a close. In 18 months, I’ll turn 30 and that scares me but excites me. It scares me because I don’t feel ready to turn 30. I don’t feel as if I have done enough in my life to warrant turning 30. I’m not married, nor have I ever been in a serious, long-term relationship. I’m not a published novelist nor in any sort of leadership role at my job. I still worry about money on a daily basis, and when I think about living alone, I wonder how I can afford it. I don’t feel as settled as I think I should be.
Key words there: “think I should be.” When we start living for the “should”‘s, then we stop living for ourselves. We’re living for others and their expectations, not ourselves and our own specific timelines.
Here’s what I know is true: I deeply desire marriage. I don’t necessarily want a white wedding, but I desire a companion in life, someone to partner with in this journey. I deeply desire children. I want to be a mother and I want to experience pregnancy. I even studied resources such as Your Loving Choices. I know, deep in my bones, there are pieces missing from my life, pieces fulfilled by children. I don’t believe I would feel these desires as deeply as I do if it wasn’t meant to happen for me.
But it feels like maybe I missed my opportunity. I know I’m only 28, so I understand that this is a silly fear to have, but it’s a fear nonetheless. I’ve yet to meet someone that I’ve felt such a strong emotional and physical connection with that I can see us building a family and a life together. With each new date I go on, either the spark isn’t there initially and the conversation is stilted. Or maybe the spark is there, but we don’t fit each other in other important ways. It’s disheartening, either way.
What this quote gives me is the ability to release my fear and my guilt and my apprehension. I haven’t missed my opportunity because the actual real opportunity? The man I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life and build a family with? I haven’t met him yet. (Or, I have met him, but the timing hasn’t been right just yet.) Those other men, even if it felt like there was potential, were never meant for me. They were meant to take up a small sliver of my time, but there were never meant for anything more than that.
“What is meant for me will never miss me.” There is such freedom in that. I can let go of the expectations that I can control this part of my life. I cannot. All I can do is to be open to the possibilities and understand that this man I am going to marry? He’s already mine and I am his. I can’t wait to meet him.
I could have written this post after my divorce. I truly felt like I had screwed up the rest of my life – missed my one shot at marriage and children. It was so hard to see that my timeline was MINE. It was so hard to watch friends get married, then get pregnant – those were MY things. My things that didn’t pan out. But now? I realize that my timeline is perfect for me. Things don’t always go the way we imagine in our heads. I didn’t ever include getting divorced in my life plan. I didn’t ever include getting pregnant before my second wedding in my life plan. But you know, I’m really happy that my timeline didn’t follow the plans in my head. My life is happening exactly at it should, and so is yours. It’s just like babies: sure, they “should” walk by 12 months, but how many start at 10 months? How many start at 14 months? There’s no real timeline for that. It happens when it’s supposed to happen. Babies don’t look at it as failure, either. If they fall, they try again. Probably hundreds of times! Eventually it works for them and they can walk. xoxo, my friend.
I remember feeling this way when I was your age. I’m 35 now and am married to a wonderful man that I love. We have a house, 2 dog babies and one human baby as well. 🙂 But I didn’t even meet my husband until I was only a few months shy of 30 and at 28 I wasn’t in the best place when it came to dating. I had just broken up with the only “serious” boyfriend and considering that we had broken up because I discovered he was lying about something significant, I felt pretty much like a relationship failure. Almost all of my friends were either married, engaged,
or at least in long term relationships. I think you are doing all the right things! Don’t let any well-meaning person tell you that your feelings of missing out on a partner and/or child aren’t valid. That used to drive me nuts! Everyone was quick to point out my successful career, financial achievements, my network of awesome friends and family, etc as reasons that I shouldn’t care if I had a solid boyfriend. It did nothing to make me feel better and in fact made me feel guilty for not being grateful enough for the great things i did have in my life. And the truth is, when I met my husband, I really WAS happier. The void that I had felt was there instantly went away and did not come back. I really was yearning for a partner and nothing else was going to completely fulfill that need. Trust it will happen, pray for the grace to appreciate all you have until it does, and open yourself up to opportunities. And reading your blog, you are doing a great job at all of that. Keep on keeping on!
Great post, Stephany. I’m 28 also but my “missed opportunities” are in my professional life. I’m starting to believe that the timeline is perfect in it’s own way, even if it’s hard to accept and understand at the moment. Everything that is happening to you is preparing you, growing you, and molding you for what/who is to come. I love that quote too; thanks for sharing! I agree, there is so much peace in it. Sending you lots of good vibes and light to keep pressing on!
So there is so much beauty in this post; so much truth. It gave me goosebumps.
At 32 I am not where I think I should be, or where society would suggest I be (having children! working more! working less! having a new car! taking fancy trips to Europe!). So much of what I *think* I should be doing is a result of social constructs and media and suggestions and myths and keeping up with the Joneses. It’s exhausting, really, and it makes me feel sometimes like I haven’t done enough or I have done too much; I don’t always feel like a 32 year old woman; sometimes I feel older, other times younger. It’s bizarre. I’m learning to just be where I am and go along with that…. it is freeing once I reach that train and plane of thought.
I hope it makes you feel a little bit better to consider that at age 28, I was years away from meeting the man I’m meant to be with. I hope that’s not discouraging as that means you might have more time to wait for it to happen. But when I was your age, I did not have an older role model that showed me there was another path besides getting married and starting a family in your late 20s. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with that kind of path, but there are other paths out there. I’m 35 now and for the first time ever, I know there will be wedding belles in my future. It feels very surreal to think about that because for the longest time I had accepted that marriage/kids just weren’t going to happen for me and I focused on making the most of my life and enjoying the benefits of being single/childless. When you find yourself doubting things, just remind yourself that things have a way of working out. And I would seek ways to celebrate the stage of life you are in – and that can be something as small and celebrating the fact that you can sleep in on the weekend if you choose to and you can take a nap on a Sunday afternoon. Or it can be bigger things like the simplicity of taking vacations or weekend getaways (I know they are costly but they are far easier to plan for those of us without kids!!).
I think the older we are, the more we know what we want and the quicker we can recognize that in others. I think it will happen, and being happy and comfortable with yourself for who and what you are helps that. I know so many people who married in their 20s who are now divorced and so many marriages and relationships that started in their 30s that are stronger than what they had in their 20s. Always wishing you well.
I’ve come to realize post-divorce, post-death of a parent at an early age, that we just need to live everyday as we want and the long-term stuff will fall into place. I have a sign in my house that someone gave me after my divorce “it’s never too late to live happily ever after.” You can do whatever you want, at whatever age, at whatever pace. When I worry that I’m behind or I won’t get my dream, I think of people like J.K. Rowling, Julia Child or Toni Morrison, who achieved their great things later in life. There is no time limit my friend, so keep on making choices that feel right every day! xoxo
I still feel this way off and on and have to walk backwards from the ledge. For me it’s professional and family life and marriage. I have to walk backwards and remember to savor all the good things that are already part of my life that are also temporary. I don’t want to waste my happiness wanting something I don’t have and then missing what I had when I no longer have it!
Love that quote and love your perspective. I have always been a firm believer in fate and destiny and often find comfort in knowing that what’s meant to be will be. When I miss an opportunity, I realize that it’s because there is something better up ahead, that there is a reason why I didn’t get what I wanted at that time. Life always has a funny way of giving you what you need exactly when you need it.
And I struggle with a lot of the things that you mentioned about motherhood too. I am such an introvert and I love alone time and quiet time which is certainly hard for me to come by now. He’s helping bring me out of my shell a bit though, which is a good thing. I’ll always struggle with it though!
Sending hugs and love to you! Stay positive and hopeful because I am certain there is a plan in store for you and for all of us. 🙂
Adding my voice to the chorus of “things I never expected”! While I was married at 28, I also expected to be starting a family. I’m now almost 31 and still no baby and we’re not even 100% sure when it will happen. Our goal date keeps moving because we have to adjust to life’s hurdles. I never expected to be in grad school, nannying or working retail. Unlike all my other friends who have real jobs and can seemingly afford whatever they want (not that we do badly, but we’re in debt like whoa). 10 years ago I would have expected I’d be married, with kids, working a high-paying corporate job in New York City. Only one of those is true now. Anyway, I totally agree, understand, sympathize, empathize, etc. etc.
I’m one of those who never wanted to be married or have kids. Truly didn’t – not out of fear. I ended up getting married in my early 20s when I was still in college and while I love my hubby, I often think about the missed opportunities. I know for sure I’m not where I want to be and not particularly excited about my professional life. The point is that the grass is always greener. My advice is to enjoy your singledom. Seize the day and do what you want to do. Forget the fears. You want to take a hiatus from life and travel the world? Do it. There’s nothing and no one holding you back. As for marriage and kids, you have plenty of time. My cousin started having kids at nearly 40 with her now hubby after 15 years of failed relationships and heartbreaks.
When I was younger, I was adamant that I would be working at a high paying job and living in a condo with my one or two children, never married. Then, I got married and I figured that he was the exception. We had plans to have children, but it never came to fruition. Then, he died before I turned 30 and here I am, at 31 with a good job but single and without children. I am literally finding out who I am every day, but I feel like it’s okay. You’re 28 and you’re not married and you don’t have children but that’s okay because it will happen. I still think that being a mom is in my future and I am open to finding someone else to share my life with. I’ve learned that great things don’t happen according to our timetable but they will happen and when it does, it will be wonderful because you’ll be ready for it. There is someone in the world that is looking for you and you’ll be published. But for now, keep going. You’re doing great.
I stumbled upon this because I googled “what’s for me” cause I needed a new photo my iPhone’s home screen. Long story short, I ended up here and didn’t know how much i needed this blog entry. I’m 21 and think myself into frustration trying to plot every detail of my future. Job, masters programs, possible PhD, husband, kids, house.. you name it and I have overthought it. This was so comforting to read. Thank you.
This was so touching and iam only 16 but yet I feel like I don’t fully understand the quote because I haven’t felt this at a personal level but I hope one day I do.
I may be late by a few years, but this post still resonates with me. I am 28 and trying to figure life out. My friends are married with kids and I haven’t been in a serious relationship in years. things may not be going as planned, but I’m positive that things will get better.