Here’s my truth: I am turning 29 at the end of this year and I have yet to be in a serious, long-term relationship.
It’s painful to admit that. It’s shameful. It’s hard to stare that truth in the face and acknowledge my role in it.
I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, some reason behind why I don’t have the typical dating experiences that people around me have. I didn’t have a high school or college sweetheart; I didn’t date at all until I was out of college.
I started my first account with an online dating website when I was 23 because people had continued to tell me that I had to put myself out there if I ever wanted to be in a relationship. Which is factual because it wasn’t until I joined OK Cupid that I began to talk to guys and go on dates.
I am a naturally shy and quiet person. I’m not classically beautiful. I’m overweight. I’m not the girl that everyone’s eyes gravitate to when she walks into the room. I’m not trying to put myself down here, nor am I looking for compliments. It’s just that, for me, I was never the girl who was going to find a guy at a bar or a club or, hell, even a coffee shop or bookstore. I’m just not the type of girl who garners attention. And that’s okay because I don’t want attention. Ever. I am perfectly okay with being the girl who gets overlooked most of the time.
But it makes dating hard, which is why online dating was perfect for me. I am much better at conversation through screen than mouth. I can carefully curate my photos at Backpage2 to ensure only my best ones are present. Profiles on free adult dating offer glimpses into potential connections. I can message with a boy for as long as I want until I’m ready to meet in person. First dates can feel less awkward and more natural.
But in the five years, I’ve been online dating, I’ve only had two successful (ish) relationships. Neither of which lasted longer than a few months. Online dating can be convenient, and some individuals on these platforms may seek casual relationships, with some opting for services like Amsterdam Escorts.
It’s weird to be at the place I am today: 28 and chronically single. The girl with no relationships.
It’s hard to admit that fact when I’m talking to someone I met online and he asks me about my longest relationship. What does my chronically single status say about me?
It could say that I’m unlovable, but anyone who has ever met me knows that’s the furthest thing from the truth. It may take me a while to warm up to people, but when I love, I love hard and I love fiercely. This future boyfriend will be loved with abandon and it’s going to rock his world.
My chronically single status could say that I have high standards, and maybe I do, but why is that constantly looked at as a bad thing? So I should lower my standards for something as important as love? Nope – sorry, but it’s my life and I get to decide what my standards are. If they are too high, that just means that the man I am meant to love is going to be one amazing person.
Or maybe being chronically single means I’m uninteresting and unable to keep a guy’s attention. But then you probably haven’t seen the way my eyes light up when I talk about books, about writing, about my dog, about my family, about football, about politics, about religion, about feminism… about any number of topics that I can’t shut up about once I get going. Uninteresting is not a word I would ever use to describe myself.
Perhaps my reason for being chronically single is that this was just the path I was meant to take. Maybe it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t mean anything about me personally. Maybe I was only meant to have one or two serious, long-term relationships in my life and it just hasn’t happened for me yet, but it will in the future.
Because instead of wasting my time in relationships that may have been detrimental to my overall well-being, I spent it working on me. I’m an independent woman who really and truly has her shit together. I have never depended on a relationship to sustain me, but instead, have sustained myself in a myriad of ways. I have learned to appreciate my alone time, I have deepened my friendships, I have formed new hobbies.
Being single for so long means I have spent a lot of time with myself, and good god, do I like myself. I really, really like myself. I am a fucking awesome human being! It’s really rather eye-opening to say that and to know how deeply I believe it. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of growing up, a lot of internal discovery to get to this place. And I got here because I allowed myself the gift of singleness. I didn’t get here because some guy I dated deemed I was worthy.
I could choose to see my chronic singleness as a downfall to my character, as a negative to my life’s path. And I used to. But I won’t anymore. There is no shame in the way my path unfolded; it’s just the way my life was meant to happen.
We only get one life. I don’t want to spend mine regretting the things I haven’t done, but instead, celebrating the person I am and enjoying every single twist and turn I encounter during my time here. I also think that cougar hookups are fun and must be tried.
I spent most of my 20s single and besides having a serious boyfriend in high school, the few relationships I had in my 20s lasted less than a year. I sometimes wondered what was wrong with me as I watched all of my college friends get married and start families, but along the way I had to accept that my life was going to take a different path. It sounds like you are coming to accept that, too. I think part of why I didn’t have longer relationships in my 20s was because I was willing to end a relationship when I knew it wasn’t right versus staying with someone for sake of being in a relationship. I was comfortable being on my own, so I chose that over an unfulfilling relationship. If possible, I’d try to avoid the ‘longest relationship’ question over email because it’s something that needs to be explained more fully in person as there’s more to it than just saying how many months your longest relationship has been.
Cheers to getting to a place of acceptance – that’s what growing older is all about. I’ve become much more accepting of myself as I’ve gotten older!
It’s great that you’ve reached a place of acceptance and love for yourself and are celebrating the lessons singledom has taught you. In my own journey of self-discovery, I am at last learning to see self-love is the strongest, yet most precious gift of all :-).
In regards to being single, my closest friend has been single throughout the entirety of her teen years and twenties (she is 27 now), save for a short-lived high school boyfriend and attempt at dating a mutual friend in our early 20’s. Unlike you though, she has rarely put herself out there, has yet to try online dating, etc. She is a warmhearted, loving, strong, outgoing person, but lacks a certain confidence and faith in herself. I hope she can come to see the lessons and blessings being single has given her; your post was an inspiration I think I will pass on to her!
I’m really happy to see where this post ended up because in the second line you said that it’s shameful that you haven’t had a serious relationship, and that’s just not true at all!! I have a couple other single friends IRL, one of them is my age, and they are both amazing. It just doesn’t say a thing about a person.
You didn’t elaborate on this in your post, so the only thing I can say is that there is a difference between high expectations, low expectations and realistic expectations. If you think your own expectations are ones that you yourself could meet or would tolerate being judged by, then they are probably good. Otherwise you might want to run through the list again, perhaps with a close friend with experience in relationships.
And second, I question the relevancy of discussing longest relationships. Erik and I both had never had long-term relationships (he’s my first boyfriend, and he had only dated around briefly), and now we’ve been married for almost 5 years. To me, that’s like asking how many people you’ve had sex with. The answer doesn’t really matter unless the person is looking for a reason to not be with someone… Just my reaction though.
I spent most of my twenties within two very long very bad relationships. This line spoke to me: “Because instead of wasting my time in relationships that may have been detrimental to my overall well-being, I spent it working on me.”
I wish I did more of that. 🙂
ME TOO. What an amazing thought!
Ditto. If I had spent half as much time on myself as I did chasing boys in my teens and 20s, I’d be in a much different place in life for sure.
I completely agree with what Lisa said. I, too, was single for most of 20s and did not have a relationship that lasted longer than a year. I knew when it wasn’t right and I ended it and when I thought it was right but it ended organically ended up being the best blessing in disguise. I believe there is a guy out there for you (or guys, because come one, soul mates do not exist) and he probably has a personality just like you! My husband was very similar to me and had very few relationships. He was overlooked and always the “friend” to girls that would never look at him as boyfriend material. Thank god other people overlooked him, because I saw him as an amazing significant other! My best advice is to keep an open mind, remind yourself you’re still very young and just own it. Be confident in ideals and morals and NEVER settle.
This is a really brave post, and it’s so inspiring! As someone who got married young, I always felt pretty lucky, until I realized that I never had a chance to be single and do things on my own terms. I’ve had to figure out who I am as a married person, and while that’s been good and it’s my journey, I’m also really jealous of women who’ve had those years to themselves, to do what they want and figure out who they are.
I think as women we’re told from a very young age that although we can do anything, we really need to focus on becoming a wife and mother. And those things aren’t bad, but I’m really glad the conversation is starting to change, and women are being told that it’s not just okay — but it’s GREAT to be single longer, or even forever. You are leading that change and that’s amazing. I know it’s hard when you do want to be married and you probably wonder if it will even happen for you, but I’m so amazed and inspired by you. You are leading a whole new generation of women to love themselves as they are — not how they’re defined by a man. So cool.
I second what Ashley said…. even though I always felt that I would have been “comfortable” being single, I haven’t been single since I was 16 and sometimes I wish I had that chance to be single and get to do things on my own terms.
I have only been in two long term relationships (10 years with my highschool boyfriend, now 15 years with my husband) and I feel like I was extremely lucky to meet two wonderful guys back to back and didn’t have to date around much (I can imagine that to be extremely exhausting – esp. when you’re an introvert like you and me).
Having said that, I know a family friend who was single all through his teens and twenties and didn’t meet the love of his life until he was in his 30’s and now he’s married with two beautiful kids.
Everybody’s life trajectory is different and I am sure there is love out there for you. Just be patient!!
Hey Stephany, I’ve never commented before, but I’ve been following your blog for awhile. You’re a great writer! This post resonated with me because, like you, I was always single. I turned 29 in January and had never been in a long-term (or really even short-term!) relationship until the past 1.5 years. I met a guy who became friends and then more at my last job. He hadn’t dated since high school, so I agree with the other commenters that your lack of relationships will not impact your future relationships. The right guy (who is out there, I’m sure) will not care, and you’ll figure things out as you go. (At least, that’s what I’ve done!) I completely commend you for continuing to put yourself out there!
And you are SO right about getting to know yourself better because of this long period of singleness. You’re stronger and more confident because of it!
This post makes me happy : )
Oops didn’t mean to post yet. I love your confidence! Just keep on doing you!
Great post and positive attitude! Everyone has a different life path and different goals, and there is nothing wrong with that! I really never dated much either. Before I met Jerry, I had been in basically one long term relationship but it was on again, off again and not a great relationship at all. Looking back on it now, I wish I had been single instead of wasting my time in a relationship that wasn’t good for me.
Wow, way to go for putting this out there. This is really interesting to me. It’s funny how one person’s chip on their shoulder can be the total opposite of another’s. I have had the exact opposite situation with dating and have been in a SERIOUS relationship with every single person I’ve ever dated and have never been single for more than a few weeks since I was 15. I’m totally not telling you this to make you feel bad though. My chronic unable-to-be-singleness was actually a huge problem for me. I was previously engaged and my fiance passed away unexpectedly and I just lost myself. I had no idea what to do because I finally thought I was “winning” at this dating game by marrying someone and then it all disappeared. It was so weird. Overall, while I obviously don’t regret my marriage now in any way, I regret most other relationships I’ve had and really wish I had that time to even be single. I know that must be the most annoying line when people are like “enjoy this time!” so that’s not what I’m trying to say either. I just think my chonic over-dating robbed me of even knowing who *I* was before I got married.
I know that being single when it is “normal” and praised to be married in our society must be annoying and not fun. From what I can tell about you, you’re trying and don’t put off any vibes that make you un-dateable though! I’m glad that online dating is working for you. It’s a huge success that you have figured out the kind of girl you are and you are so straightforward and at ease about it. For so many years I spent my time trying to be some other girl that I was not just for guys. It’s great that you don’t feel the need to pretend to be something else or not you just to try to get a guy. I also think it’s amazing that you are okay with where you are. In the long run, 29 is still young I think! I also always found that the right guy comes along when you stop looking for him. Not saying to stop looking, but that’s been mine and a lot of my friend’s experiences oddly enough.
Girl, you are speaking to my soul. We’ve discussed this together at length and we’re totally on the same page. I’m so happy you’ve come to peace with what is and you’re open to what comes next. This was so beautifully written. Your blog keeps getting better and better! Loving all that you’re putting out lately. <3
I needed this so much this exact day- I had a rough downward inner spiral last night about dating and this so helped bring me back to my own reality. I could’ve written every exact thing here – I’ve only been in one serious relationship in my 29 years with some small shitty hook-up/dating situations thrown in, but overall, my life is excellent and a life I couldn’t have had if I hadn’t been single. Thank you for putting words to all my thoughts!
For me, I come from a more disadvantaged position of both never having been in a relationship nor having ever dated anyone — and I’m 27. I could theorize as much that there are a variety of reasons why this might be the case (e.g. Lacking any close friends in the Bay Area, no one wanting to date Asian men, not being much of a drinker, etc.). I’d be lucky to get at least one person to believe I’m worth something that I don’t stay at zero forever. For the time being, I do enjoy being a lifelong single man although I’m eager for the day when that will change in some way.
Your experience being single is the 100% exact opposite of mine….which is why I can relate so much. I’m turning 30 next month and I have done nothing but be IN relationships my whole life. I have never given myself the time and space I need to figure myself out. I’m the girl who always has a guy, who always needs a guy. What does that say about me? How much of my self worth has ended up wrapped up in my relationships and not on myself? Being a serial dater comes with similar shame and anxiety and similar albeit different line of questioning of yourself. Thank you for being brave enough to write this. My post and series on this very topic is coming this month.
Such a brave post Stephany! I am so glad you are getting to a place of full acceptance and love for yourself, that’s the most important part of a successful relationship anyways. Sending hugs your way. Everyone’s path in life is different and you will end up exactly where you need to be <3
I think that standards should always start out high, but when you really like someone you take into account what is negotiable and what isn’t. If you started low, where would you go?
I think it’s so awesome you’ve had almost all of your twenties to figure out who you are and what you want in life. Because you’ve had the chance to do this, I truly believe you will find your person in life and have a successful relationship when the time is right. I know too many girls who have spent all of their twenties hopping from relationship to relationship with the wrong guys and have no idea who they are, what they want in life, how to be alone, or take care of themselves. I’d rather be in your shoes any day than wasting time with the wrong guy in a relationship that’s holding me back and going nowhere! <3
What a great post Stephany! It resonates so well with me. I’m 28. Turning 29 in February so I’m quite close in age to you. I’m the same. I didn’t really start dating properly until after I finished university. I’m also quite introverted so I’m not the girl every guy wants. Sometimes it bothers me, especially when the guys I’m interested in gravitate toward my younger sister who is a lot more extroverted than me. You know I’m just as pretty as she is and I have just as much to offer as she does. She’s more confident than I am. That’s about it. I’m not going to try and be like her because that’s not who I am and I’m not a horrible person by far. I’m no super model but I don’t think I’m particularly unattractive either.
I’ve had a few small relationships that have lasted a few months. The issue was the guys not me. For one reason or another they weren’t ready for what I’m ready for. Right now am taking a break from dating. Been in and out of so much shitty relationships this year. It’s tiring and I don’t have the energy for it at the moment. There’s something to be said for taking time out to worry about YOU and not worry about dating or anyone else. When I’m ready will get back out there. As cliche as it sounds I think sometimes when you’re not so obvious about finding someone something will find you.
I’m a man aged 39 years, and I’ve never had a relationship. Never. It used to bother me but I’ve gotten used to it now. I don’t know how to be in one for starters, so I’m pretty well screwed. It is what it is