It means never staying in the same house or apartment for very long. By the time I was 18, I had moved at least 10 times, maybe more since I can’t really remember life before I was five. Sometimes, we moved because of an eviction notice (perks of having a father with an addiction to gambling) and sometimes, we moved because the rent was raised too much. I never had that family home that seems to prevalent among other people my age. Home was constantly changing.
It means not getting to do all of the fun extracurriculars that other people around me got to do. I remember stuffing down invitations to baton twirling classes (this was a thing in the 90s, I guess) and Girl Scouts deep into my backpack because I knew my parents couldn’t afford it and I didn’t want to make them feel bad. It meant that when I came home from school one day and excitedly exclaimed that I had gotten a part in a play, my mom didn’t react with the same level of excitement. Instead, it was worry about how to afford a costume for the play. While I did cheerleading for a year in elementary school and a year in high school, as well as a year of t-ball, extracurriculars just weren’t something we had the money for.
It means I wasn’t one of the lucky ones who was given a car for her sixteenth birthday. All of my friends got cars, both brand-spankin’-new and older models, but I was the one who constantly had to bum for rides or cross my fingers that my mom would let me borrow her car when I needed it. It felt shameful and embarrassing, and I just wanted to be like every other person in my high school who got to zip off to school and work and dates in their car.
It means college was a privilege, not an expectation. I was the first in my family to go to college, and that in itself was an amazing accomplishment. I was lucky enough to qualify for financial aid as well as a state-funded scholarship program that covered 75% of my tuition and my books, but I still had to take out a few loans to cover the rest of the fees. The majority of my friends don’t have to worry about school loans – their parents paid their way through college. That wasn’t my reality and it isn’t the reality of those of us who grew up poor. There just isn’t extra money to set aside for college.
It means I never learned proper money management techniques, something that has followed me into adulthood. Truthfully, I’ve stopped letting my low-income childhood define how I view money now, but I also can’t deny that I didn’t grow up in a household that taught me how to properly manage my money. I didn’t know anything about emergency savings or 401ks or investments or any of that. I knew more about check advances and loans than I did about good money behaviors. I had to teach myself how to manage money in a responsible way.
It means vacations were not a thing. We took one family vacation to Ohio when I was around eight or nine, which mainly involved us just driving around to my dad’s old hangout spots and seeing family. We took day trips to Disney World from time to time, and twice spent a week at the beach, but that was about it until I graduated from college and my mom and I took our first cruise. Vacations aren’t a thing when you’re barely getting by, which is why it irritates me so much when people talk about travel as if it’s this grand thing everyone should want to do. Or that people prioritize travel over other things and that’s why they travel so often. Travel is a privilege that many people cannot afford, and my family certainly could not when I was growing up.
It means always having outdated cars that embarrassed the hell out of my brother and me. There was the church van my mom drove for a while when she was in between cars. There was the old car my uncle gave us where the windshield wipers had to be operated with pliers and a friend once remarked to me that she thought the car was going to fall apart every time she saw me open the door. There was the car that stalled every thirty seconds when it was in reverse (no joke – my mom, brother, and I uncontrollably laugh when we remember a time it took us at least 10 minutes to reverse from a parking spot one morning). And the car that had to have a bungee cord tying down the front hood because it wouldn’t stay closed. We can laugh at these horrific cars now, but man, were they embarrassing when I was a kid.
It means fights upon fights upon fights. It means nights when I crawled underneath my bed with a pillow, crushing it over my ears to drown out the yells and screams. Finances are what married couples fight about most, and thus, it’s what my parents constantly fought about. In fact, I think that’s all they fought about. (Well, also my dad’s gambling addiction and how much time he spent away from home.) But finances were the crux of every fight, and I grew up fearful every time money was brought up.
It means that I might not have had all of the money to do whatever I wanted, but I did have all the love in the world. I never doubted, not once, that my parents wanted what was best for me and loved me and my brother fiercely. They tried to protect us from their money problems as much as they could. My mom gave up so much so that my brother and I could have a good life. She didn’t even have a room of her own to sleep in for seven or eight years after my parents separated! She would go without whenever my brother or I needed something and tried her damnedest to make sure we were happy.
And we were happy. We may have been poor, but we were happy. I don’t believe in the adage that money cannot buy happiness because hell yes it can, but I also believe that you can be happy even when you’re worrying about money. I had a mom who loved me beyond belief, who cheered me on in everything I did, who was sitting front-row seat with a beaming smile at that play she worried about affording, who didn’t blink an eye when I told her I wanted to change majors when I was nearly done with college. She let me drive her car whenever I needed it and let me live rent-free as I finished my schooling.
Growing up poor was not the path I wanted to take, but it was the path I was given, and I’d like to believe I have done everything to rise above it. I am solidly middle class now, and I can afford to save and take vacations. I still worry about money all the time because of the way I grew up, but it reminds me never to take my life and what I’ve accomplished for granted. I was the first in my family to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree, and that’s a significant accomplishment when you grow up poor. I wasn’t supposed to have these opportunities, but I saw how my parents struggled and I never wanted that for my life. I wanted something different, so I did everything in my power to make it happen.
Thanks for sharing your story. I can see how growing up in those kind of financial conditions has far-reaching consequences. I am glad that you can still say that you had a happy childhood and felt very loved. I just finished the nook “Evicted” and a lot of what you mentioned reminds me of that book. It was so well-written and heartbreaking. Especially reading about how reporting domestic violence tends to result in eviction because it’s considered a disturbance to have the police come out, so women have to choose between reporting and risking being evicted or staying silent and living in a dangerous situation.
I grew up in a middle class family. My parents owned a business and worked so very very hard. We never really wanted for anything but we also lived a very modest lifestyle. Like I did not fly until the summer after my freshman year of college and I bought the plane ticket myself. I also paid for college on my own between scholarships and financial aid. But we were taught how to manage money and to not use credit cards and I remember my mom teaching me how to use my check book and how to reconcile my bank statement with my account every month. Looking back, I’m glad I had the upbringing I did. I think my parents did a good job of understanding the difference between wanting and needing things. We never went without things we NEEDED but we went without things we WANTED. We rarely ate out, too, so I learned that eating out was a special occasion kind of thing, and my mom had a huge garden and canned a lot of food so that cut down on our grocery bill (which was important with a family of 5 kids!). Phil and I have talked about what we will do when/if we have kids and I have said that I don’t want to pay for their college because I think it was important for me to pay for it myself as I think I appreciated it even more and had so much pride when I paid off my student loans (although 20-something Lisa was definitely wishing my parents had footed the bill!). But we have decided that we will have to pay for our kids college as they likely won’t qualify for financial aid since we work in a well-compensated industry. But we want to make sure they work in college and learn how to manage their money.
Thought provoking post! In closing, I just want to say that you should be extremely proud of all that you’ve accomplished. It’s a huge deal to be the first to finish college!!!
I read an article recently about how it takes 20 years for nothing going wrong for people to get out of poverty. It’s like, when one things goes wrong, a slue of bad things follow when you have no financial cushion.
I am sorry that you grew up poor and didn’t have some of the things others take for granted, like a childhood home to go home to, or vacation memories. I do agree though that you did a hell of a job trying to put yourself in a much better position in adulthood and that deserves a lot of respect (especially because you had to kinda teach yourself a thing or two about money!).
I want to point out a few things that I ‘noticed’ just because I grew up in Europe and things are a little different there… it’s definitely not a “NORMAL” thing to get a car for your 16th (or 18th) birthday over there, not having a car is not too big of a deal (because most places have such great public transportation) and I did so much by bike growing up! Also, going to university is basically free, which doesn’t make it such a big burden on people who wouldn’t be able to afford tutition… so in those regards, I can see that you had so many challenges.
This is such an interesting post and perspective! I wasn’t really poor growing up, but we were definitely lower middle class and I can SO relate to the embarrassing car thing. UGH!
I also did not have the luxury of having my schooling paid for. My parents helped as much as they could, but frankly, I have a boat load of student loans, 80% of which are from my Masters. I know someone whose parents paid for her degrees, car, etc. Honestly, I hate owing money of course, but it’s also taught me about responsibility, independence, and finances.
GIRRRRRRRRLLLLLL I can relate to this so much! I had a lot of the same experiences. Definitely no childhood home — we moved all the time, for the same reasons. Very limited extracurriculars — I remember quitting choir in elementary school because I figured my parents wouldn’t have the $12 I needed for a shirt… I had no instrument to play in orchestra because we couldn’t afford to rent one, girl scouts and things like that were out of the question because I had no way to get there. In high school I joined groups and figured out how to pay for them on my own, but it was still a huge struggle because my parents both worked and didn’t have cars, so I had to figure out how to get around on my own (so many rides bummed). I didn’t get my license until I was 18 because of my parents’ financial legal issues. I could go on and on… But like you, I’m solidly in the middle class now and trying to figure out how to manage my money without having ever experienced good financial decisions.
What a great post. Like Lisa, I just finished reading Evicted and a lot of what you said in this post reminds me of that story. I grew up middle-class, leaning towards higher income (not rich by any means – but I never wanted for anything, we took vacations, I got a car when I was 16, college was paid for etc.) but I also was required to save my own money for things I wanted and I got my first job when I was 13 years old. So I think my parents also taught me pretty good money management while also paving the way for me to have a lot of success in life and helping me out financially whenever I needed it. Eric on the other hand grew up very poor, moved a lot in his early life and remembers living in small crappy places he was embarrassed to invite friends over to and also not getting gifts at Christmas some years because there was no money for it. It has definitely trickled down to how we both manage money and part of the reason our finances are still separate even after 5 years of marriage! And yes, we do fight about finances from time to time still but have mostly worked out a system finally! Thanks for writing such a thought provoking post and you should definitely be very proud of yourself for rising above the hardships of your childhood!