dating

Categories: About Me

My New Rules for Dating

Reading Logan Ury’s book, How Not to Die Alone, was a transformative experience for me. For once, I didn’t feel like I was weird for finding online dating so hard. She says in the book that yes, it is hard to date in this modern era of dating apps. It’s an entirely new experience from the way we evolved to find a partner (typically, the person in your neighborhood) and there are so many options (both with partners and with dating apps) these days. It’s hard to stand out and hard to take things from the phone screen to real life. Even more, meeting someone IRL is damn near impossible. Where is my adorable meet-cute in the fiction section of my favorite indie bookstore?! I know way more couples my age that met through dating apps than met IRL. Even my mom and stepdad met on a dating app!

I learned a lot from this book: how to set up a dating profile, how to make conversation over a dating app, how to set yourself up for success when it comes to first dates, and more. I learned so much that I developed a few new rules for dating that I plan on implementing in my dating life going forward:

1) Make sure every prompt on my profile is a “conversation starter.” This was a really good tip from the book, about making sure your profile has information that could be a good launching point for a conversation. It’s always so much easier to start a conversation with someone from a dating app when they have something interesting on their profile! Right now, I mainly use Hinge and Bumble and these apps use prompts to help foster communication between matches. I just need to make sure all of the prompts I have on my profile could lead to fun follow-up questions. Like, instead of saying, “What I’m looking for in a future partner is… someone kind and funny,” I could say, “What I’m looking for in a future partner is… someone who will willingly explore a bookstore with me.” Or something like that; something that just has a bit more personality and explains who I am.

2) Have a handful of opening lines to use. The opening line of a conversation is the hardest thing for me! Do you know how many times I’ve Googled, “best conversation starters for Bumble”? Too many to count. When there aren’t any interesting questions to ask based on the profile, I want to have a few opening lines in my back pocket to start the conversation with, rather than the lame “Hey! How is your day going?” Something like:

What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn to do?
What’s the last great book you read? (<– This one always makes me sad, though, because it feels like nobody reads anymore, ugh.)
What’s your favorite spot around town to spend a Saturday morning?

If you guys have any better opening lines, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I am not great at coming up with my own. I want something that would be fun to answer, but also tells me a little more about their personality.

(I should mention that Bumble/Hinge also have a “question” feature where you can pick a question from a random list and both of you answer it. Sometimes I use that feature, but sometimes I feel really lazy about using it rather than asking a question on my own.)

3) Set aside time at least twice a day to swipe/respond to messages. I am terrible at keeping up with my dating apps. It just feels like so much work that sometimes, I’ll start a conversation with someone and then forget to open my dating app for a week. (Can you see why I needed this book?!) Thankfully, Ury doesn’t think you need to spend all day on your dating apps, but she does note that you should set aside time every day to swipe and respond to messages. I think I will set aside 10 minutes in the afternoon and 10 minutes in the evening for this. It can be something I do while reading on the couch or watching TV, and if I’m not actively messaging with anyone, I don’t need to spend, like, a full 10 minutes swiping (or I could use the time to update my photos, answer a new prompt, etc.). What I need is to schedule it into my day so I don’t go 3 days between messages (which is what just happened with someone I was messaging with, oops).

4) Set dates within 72 hours of messaging. Oh, setting that dreaded first date. I used to get so caught up in textual relationships—a relationship that mainly happens over text and dating app messages. I’ve gotten better about it. Once we’ve exchanged a few messages and things seem to be going well, I’ll propose meeting up for a coffee date.

5) Have a pre-date ritual. Before one first date I had, I put on my makeup while leaving a Marco Polo video for Mikaela, and that was such a lovely way for me to get excited about the date. I talked to her about the person I was going out with and what I was hoping for from the date, and that memory holds a special place in my heart. The book recommends that all daters have a pre-date ritual to put yourself in the right headspace. You shouldn’t be rushing out to the date in between work meetings or after a sweaty workout. Make it special! Maybe it’s doing a 10-minute meditation, or chatting on the phone with a friend, or drinking a small glass of wine beforehand to loosen you up. For me, I think I’ll probably continue doing these Marco Polo videos for Mikaela before each date. She’s someone who is always excited to hear about my dating life (without making me feel like I must go on dates and put myself out there), and it makes me feel a little less alone in this journey.

6) Have a go-to first date spot. One of my least favorite parts of dating is choosing that first date spot. Do we do dinner or a drink? A coffee shop or a bar? Do we meet in the middle or close to one of our homes? What’s the parking situation like? Should I Uber there or not? So many decisions before you ever get to that first date! That’s why I love this idea: just choose your first date spot and stick with it. I’ll probably need to find two first date spots: one near me in St. Petersburg and one in Tampa (at least with the men I’ve dated, if they live in Tampa, they do not want to come to St. Pete for a first date). But that way, I know exactly where I’m going, how long it takes to drive there, what the parking situation is, what the seating is like, and what to order. As someone with social anxiety, which makes dating 1000x harder, this is something that gives me a little slice of comfort before something as scary as a first date.

7) Have a debrief after the date. I loved this idea from the book of checking in with yourself after the date. Ury lays out a handful of questions to ask yourself so you can better understand how you really felt about the person you just went out with:

What side of me did they bring out?
How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
Is there something about them I’m curious about?
Did they make me laugh?
Did I feel heard?
Did I feel attractive in their presence?
Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

In the book, Ury says that knowing you have these questions to answer after the date makes you more aware of how you’re feeling during the date. I am someone who is always fairly aware of how I’m feeling, especially whether someone is making me feel comfortable and relaxed or insecure and awkward. And this checklist focuses less on how the person looked and acted and what they said, and more on how I felt on the date. Even if it’s someone who checks all of my boxes, if I felt uncomfortable during the date, then that’s what I need to pay attention to.

8) Always say yes to a second date. I’ll admit that I am an all-or-nothing girl when it comes to dating. If I don’t feel that spark on the first date, I’m not going on the second date. It’s either there or it isn’t, but Ury stresses in the book that we should always say yes to a second date, even if the first one wasn’t that great. (Of course, if the person made rude comments or made you feel uncomfortable in any way, you do not owe anyone a second date!) But if it was just a lackluster first date, what’s the harm in giving it another shot with a second date? Maybe they were nervous or had a bad day or were distracted for some reason. This will be a hard rule for me to follow because I have limited energy levels and it’s difficult for me to keep going on dates with someone I’m not super excited about, but I’m going to give it a try and see how things go.

***

If this feels like a lot of work, hello, welcome to dating. It is a lot of work and that’s why I go through long periods of not dating. Putting in so much effort with the chance that it can be all for naught is one of the reasons I haven’t ever fully invested myself in the dating process. Add to the fact that I’m an introvert with social anxiety and sometimes dating feels like an insurmontable task, based on how I’m feeling on a particular day. But I do it because of the times when it has worked for me. When I have found someone I click with on such a deep level that they’re all I can think about. I do it for the butterflies, the anticipation, the way it feels to fall head over heels for someone. I do it because I want to find my person and I truly believe they are out there.

Categories: Books

What I’m Reading (8.1.22)

Good morning, friends! I had a lovely weekend that included finally celebrating my mom’s birthday, snuggling Eleni, and taking myself to Starbucks to read my book. It was exactly the weekend I needed. There is a lot happening this week, and I’m feeling ready to tackle it all.

I have three wonderful books to share with you today, and all three got a solid 4 stars from me. Let’s review:

How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury (★★★★☆)

I talked about this book in Friday’s Currently post, so suffice it to say that I loved it. I wasn’t expecting much from it, mainly because I’ve been very apathetic about dating for a long, long time. Some people look at dating as a way to meet new people, but that’s not how I’ve approached dating. For me, I’m either so excited about the person I’m seeing that I can’t eat or sleep or think about anything else… or I’m going on boring dates and making up excuses for why I can’t extend the date. This book really made me excited about the prospect of dating, though, and how to treat it like a fun way to meet people or, at the very least, learn more about myself and what I want out of my future partner. I’m planning on writing a follow-up post about the lessons I learned and how I want to implement them in my own dating life, so stay tuned for that. I do want to mention, though, that this book was very heteronormative (which, to be fair to the author, she addresses in the beginning of the book, stating that most dating research focuses on straight couples) and doesn’t really discuss what it’s like to date as a person of color or as a fat person. As a fat person, my experiences with dating are so, so different from other people (no, I’m not getting hundreds of matches every day; I’m lucky if I get 1 or 2), and I wish that could have been explored but, as the author is a traditionally beautiful, thin person, I know that’s not something she has experience with. Maybe I’ll just have to write that book about how to date as a fat person, who knows?!

Yours to Keep by Lauren Layne (★★★★☆)

Yours to Keep was a sweet contemporary romance. At just over 200 pages, it was a fast read; sometimes shorter romances feel like they’re missing something (backstory or relationship development, things like that), but this one felt perfectly paced. I’m glad that the author kept it short and sweet because it delivered the perfect impact this way! In this romance, Carter Ramsey has returned to his hometown for his 10-year high school reunion. He’s a pro baseball player who is dealing with an injury that has the potential to ruin his career so he’s going through a lot right now and could consider consulting with a personal injury lawyer. Contact professionals from sites like https://ravidandassociates.com/. Since he plans to be in town for a couple months, he rents a house next door to Olive, who is none other than his former lab partner from high school science. Olive and Carter strike up a friendship that turns into a whole lot more as they spend most of their time together (Olive’s working on the plans for the high school reunion and recruits Carter to help her). I just adored Olive and want to be friends with her. She was so much fun to read about, mostly because she’s so very different from me (tall, loud, friendly, open-hearted) and I feel like she would be such a wonderful friend to have in my corner. I loved the love story between Carter and Olive, and the grand gestures from both parties at the end of the novel felt true and right, not over the top. A solid romance!

Close Enough to Touch by Colleen Oakley (★★★★☆)

This novel was so lovely! I was a little bit bored in the beginning and contemplated abandoning it, but decided to give it a few more chapters and I’m so glad I did because it was an excellent read. This novel follows Jubilee who has an incredibly rare allergy: she can’t touch or be touched by people. This allergy has caused her to retreat from the world and become a recluse, but when she has to get a job to survive, she finds one at a library. It’s there that she meets Eric, a man who is trying to keep everything together between working a stressful job and parenting his adopted son who is still reeling from the sudden, unexpected loss of his parents (Eric’s best friends). A chance meeting leads Jubilee and Eric, two people whose lives look nothing like they wanted them to, to open their hearts and explore what could happen if they trusted themselves. It was a super sweet novel and I really loved Jubilee’s character arc. She was someone who was so easy to love and root for, and I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. I thought the ending wrapped up a little too neatly, but other than that, it was a fantastic read.

What I’m Reading This Week

The Hellion’s Waltz by Olivia Waite (e-book) – This is another short romance (under 200 pages!), so I’m likely going to finish it today or tomorrow. So far, I’m enjoying it!
The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo (print) – I’m looking forward to diving into this novel that gets rave reviews. I’ll start it once I finish The Hellion’s Waltz.
Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer (audio) – Second time’s the charm? The last time I planned to read this book, I was going through a mental health crisis and many of you recommended that I set it down for the time being. It was good advice! I’m going to start it this week, and if I’m still not feeling up to reading about such a hard subject matter, to my “abandoned” list it will go.

What are you reading?

Categories: Relationships

Why I’m Giving Up Online Dating in 2018

When you’re single, people want to know all about your dating life. They want to know if you’re “putting yourself out there” and “keeping yourself open to love.” I remember witnessing an exchange between a good friend and one of her (married) friends, and the married friend was admonishing my friend that she wasn’t trying hard enough when it came to dating. She needed to try harder because… well, because why? Because the only goal in life is to get married? Because the only way a person can be happy is to be in a relationship?

It’s an exchange that always stuck with me, mainly because I don’t have people in my life who pressure me when it comes to dating. My mom isn’t making snide comments about my chronic singleness and how she “wishes she could have more grandbabies.” (This is probably the only time her getting married too young to a guy who didn’t treat her right works in my favor.) My friends are happy to listen to my dating stories, but don’t make me feel bad for being 30 and single… or when I was 29 and single or 28 and single or 27 and single, and so on.

When I was thinking about giving up online dating for the entirety of 2018, I made a poll on InstaStories about it. Honestly, I thought I’d get 100% of responses that “Yeah, girl, give up the dating apps!” but I didn’t. It was around 70%, which is still the vast majority of my friends, but I was curious about the 30% who thought giving up the apps was a bad idea. (Of course, after I published the poll, I realized I didn’t word it well, so it’s possible that people thought they were voting for the first option. Oops.) Even still, I received some messages about my giving up online dating that made me realize that people really believe that my worth as a human is directly linked to whether or not I’m dating.

It’s as if people don’t realize that single people can genuinely be happy on their own. We must be on the dating circuit or else… what are we even doing with our life? Do we realize that we’re not getting any younger and our pool of available partners shrinks with each passing year?

The truth is, I haven’t found any sort of happiness in dating for the past few years. It’s not fun for me to go on dates and get my hopes up, only to find them dashed by a guy who is much less interesting in person or who ghosts on me right after that first date. It’s not fun to message with guy after guy after guy and have to try so hard to keep up conversation because, news flash, most guys are actually terrible at communication. I can’t tell you how many conversations have stalled because the guy doesn’t ask follow-up questions or gives me few-word answers. It’s not fun to worry about the physical aspect of dating and what I’m going to feel like I have to do in order to keep his attention and not make him think I’m a prude or a tease. If we make out in his car, does that give him license to shove his hand down my pants? (The answer is no, of course, but that doesn’t mean that the guy won’t think I’m a tease and thus, not worth his time.)

Dating is fucking exhausting, is what I’m saying. I was talking about this with a few friends, one of which is on the dating circuit like me and she’s an extrovert who has no problem meeting new people and making friends, and even she acknowledged how exhausting online dating can be. It’s a neverending quest of swiping and messaging and first dates and first kisses and texting and hopefulness and heartbreak.

It’s too much for me. I need a break. And so, I’m stepping away from the online dating world for all of 2018.

And you know what? It feels AMAZING. I feel a sense of peace and relief that I don’t have to worry about online dating this year. There’s always been this level of pressure to make sure I spent time every day to check in on my dating apps, swiping and responding to messages, and if I went a few days without checking in, I felt as if I was not trying hard enough with my dating life. As if all my opportunities were going to pass me by and I’d just be alone for the rest of my life.

But that’s not true. I firmly believe in the statement, “What is meant for me will never miss me,” which means that if I was meant to find love through online dating this year, I wouldn’t feel the peace that I felt when I deleted my dating apps. And since I did have that peace, it means this was exactly the right decision for me.

This doesn’t mean I’m not dating in 2018. I’ve told all of my friends that I am happy to be set up by them and I’m keeping my heart open for something to happen organically. But I’ve deactivated all of my online dating profiles and I’m not wasting my time on them this year.

I’m entering 2018 with zero expectations for my dating life. I may end up finding love this year, and I would be undeniably happy for that to happen because I would like to have romantic love in my life. I will also be 100 percent okay if this year passes with no dates and no romance. I just want to live my life without the pressure of online dating. My life is not made better by dating; it is made better by investing in my family and friends, by reading great books, by spin classes and naps, by long walks with podcasts, by traveling, by snuggling with my dog, by writing and Netflix and football. It is made better just by living and being.

The truth is, I am really happy being single. I love having as much alone time as I want. I love making my own schedule and not having to worry about anyone else. And, honestly, I’m the sole caretaker for a special needs dog and he requires a lot of time and attention. The logistics of dating are really difficult when my entire world is taken up with Dutch’s care. However, as happy as I am in my singleness, it’s not all roses. The green monster of jealousy rears its ugly head when I see engagement announcements and cute couple photos, which tells me that I do want romance for myself one day. But I’m also not rushing it. It will happen when it’s meant to happen.

And for now? Now, I’ll just enjoy life on my own. A life where I get to read and nap as much as I want.

Categories: About Me

What It’s Like to Date as a Highly Sensitive Person

Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a pretty spectacular personality trait to have, and that’s especially true when it comes to dating. Sure, there are aspects of being an HSP that can be downright difficult, but in many ways, it allows me to experience life in a brighter, bolder way.

Over the past few years, I’ve had my fair share of good dates and bad dates. And before I learned about my HSP trait, I often thought there was something weird or wrong with me. When friends would tell me about their dating experiences, like going out on 3-4 dates in one week with a different guy each time, I would cringe. That sounded like so much work. I felt as if I was dating wrong as if the only way to find my special person would be to go on as many dates as I possibly could, throwing caution to the wind. If you encounter any issues with your relationship , you may talk to a couples therapist from Empathi.

But the truth is that dating is a personal journey and there is no one right way to date. I have friends who did the date-as-much-as-possible way and found true, lasting love. I have friends who only went on one or two dates before meeting the love of their life. There’s no algorithm for something like dating some people even use services like skip the games Toledo to find companionship as well. There’s nothing to say that going on a lot of dates will yield a boyfriend or that going on as few dates as possible will yield singleness. It’s all up to fate.

And the truth is that dating when you’re a highly sensitive person and an introvert is a vastly different experience. It’s both completely magical and incredibly draining, and that’s why having resources that help you with this such as sites like BangSexting can be really helpful in this area.

While I can’t speak for all introverted HSPs, this is my experience with dating as one:

When I fall, I fall fast and intensely. When I meet someone I like, it consumes me. I can’t focus at work because I can’t stop thinking about him and imagining our future together. All I want to listen to are sappy romance songs. All I want to do is spend as much time as humanely possible with him. This starts as soon as the first date. The feelings are intense and all-encompassing and ruin my entire life for a few weeks. In the best possible way, of course.

I need at least a month to get over a breakup. I’m not even talking about breaking up with a longtime boyfriend because, well, I’ve never had a longtime boyfriend. I’m talking about those relationships where you’re just going on dates and seeing each other. Nothing serious has been established, but when those relationships end, I can’t jump right back into the dating pool. Those few weeks were intense ones for me and I need time by myself to let go of all my visions for what could have been and to find myself again.

I can only handle one date per week, and I need at least a few days’ notice. Truthfully, one to two dates a month is plenty for me. It takes a lot out of me to prepare for that first date. First, there are the messages sent back and forth over a matter of days (or weeks, if I’m talking to someone who is particularly gun-shy), and that alone depletes some of my energy to make small talk and ask all those “initial questions”. Then, the date itself is draining, especially if the date isn’t going well and I’m trying to find a polite way to end it. Usually, I enjoy the dates while I’m on them and truly enjoy getting to know someone new and discovering shared interests sharing intimacy or even watching things like Onlyfans leak video with them, but I’m also always ready to call it a night after dinner. First dates that extend past two hours are not my cuppa tea.

I never “go for drinks” because bars make me so uncomfortable and are too loud and overstimulating. I really dislike the advice that a first date should always be grabbing a drink at a bar or going for coffee. Honestly, if I’m going to get all worked up for a date, I prefer it to be dinner where there is a specific start and stop point. With coffee or a drink, it’s a date that can end in 15 minutes or linger for an hour. I also dislike the advice about going for drinks because bars make me uncomfortable. They are usually loud and overstimulating, so I can never focus on the guy and our conversation. There’s just too much happening around me, too much energy to take in, that I’m never my best self. Add to it that I’m not much of a drinker, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. For me, I much prefer going for dinner as a first date… and the reason why will be evident in the next fact.

I have a few creature-comfort restaurants that I always suggest because I know how to get there, the atmosphere, the menu, etc. This has been key for me as an introverted HSP in the dating world. I have very specific restaurants that I suggest as places to meet up because I’ve been there so many times that they feel comfortable. I know exactly how to get there and how long it will take me. I know the parking situation. I know how the restaurant is set up, the atmosphere, the menu. It means I don’t have to waste precious energy worrying about driving to the restaurant, how the parking is, what I’ll order, etc.

I always have a backup plan ready for when a guy wants to extend a first date. Having a backup plan is just Dating 101, but I don’t only have a backup plan for if the date is going south, but also for if the date is going well, but my energy is just depleted and I need to go home… without being all, “Sry, introvert battery drained. Must go home.” Usually, my dog is my excuse. “Oh, I’d love to, but I need to get home and let my dog out. He’s older, so he can’t go too long between bathroom breaks.” It’s lame, I know, but it’s sometimes the best I can do.

When I am in a relationship, I get easily overwhelmed by sharing my life with someone. One of the most difficult things about being in a relationship is sharing my life. Yes, it’s really exciting and super fun and, usually, all I want to do is spend time with him… but it can also be overwhelming because I’m more comfortable single than I am in a relationship. I’m not used to checking in with someone or planning my weekend around him. I’m not used to going out as much as I do in new relationships. It can be overwhelming for me. These Cleveland sites help me gain companionship through casual relationships with escorts.

Because I so value deep conversations, I never go out with people whose messages don’t go beyond the “what do you like to do for fun” questions. It’s probably due to my intuitive nature, but I can pretty quickly tell whether or not I have a connection with someone I’m messaging with online. If the conversation doesn’t flow past the usual “how are you?” and “what do you like to do for fun?” (<– one of my least favorite questions ever!), then I know that there’s no point in even setting up a date. As an introvert, I value deep conversation over small talk and I want that reflected in messages. It also means I am very, very picky about the guys I agree to go on a date with, which limits my pool a bit, but I’m willing to take the risk. If you’ve been single for a while and want to meet new people, it’s time to try these escort sites.

Being a highly sensitive person means life is more intense for me, which makes sense that dating would be a more intense situation. Love comes very easily for me because I am so in tune with my emotions and my surroundings, so I tend to fall in and out of love quickly. (Some may say that’s not really love, and I won’t argue the point. I just think it’s the easiest way to explain how I feel.) But isn’t there such a radical beauty to that? It means I get to experience love in all its glory again and again and again. It also means that when my heart is crushed, the feeling is intensified, and the weight of it is nearly unbearable. I remember when I was ghosted on by a guy I was falling head over heels for, and this was just after two dates. But my feelings for him consumed me. And then when it ended, and ended in such a terrible way, the pain was crushing. I spent an entire weekend in bed, barely able to summon the energy to eat or move. It sounds dramatic, and it is, but that’s just the dichotomy of living an intense life. I have to take the good and the bad, and I would never trade the good – the brightness, the boldness, the fierceness – just so I would never experience the bad.

Categories: Life

Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating

I’m always interested to know how people met their significant others. There are the usual stories: college, a bar, work, etc. But then there are the stories that really intrigue me: the ones who have met their significant others online. My roommate is one example, a coworker is another, and my mom is a third. (Yep – Mom met my stepfather through OK Cupid if you can believe that!)

Online dating used to have a stigma attached to it: only people who couldn’t meet a mate in the “real world” opts for online dating. But that stigma is quickly fading. I mean, now it’s odd if you’re single and aren’t using a dating app, thanks to Tinder and Bumble and Hinge that have turned online dating into a game to play.

I’ve been online dating for five years now, and there have been some great moments and some truly terrible moments. But I feel like I’ve gained a lot of experience over the years, just from being on the sites and from talking to friends about their experiences. So, I thought it might be fun to write a list of “Dos and Don’ts” when it comes to online dating. Here we go!

Do provide a variety of photos

My general rule of thumb is to have 4-5 pictures: one selfie, one full-body photo, and then up to three photos that showcase part of your personality (I usually include a picture of Dutch and me and a picture of me on a cruise). I think those first two photos, though, are key. I like a selfie for my profile picture because it showcases my face front and center, which is important (I despise profile pictures that include a group of people because… who is the person I’m supposed to be looking at?!) And then a full-body shot is necessary because nobody wants to be surprised come the first date! 😉

Your pictures are how a match gets to know you. So much of online dating is about visuals, so choose photos that truly represent you.

Don’t get stuck in a texting relationship

It depends on how responsive the person I’m talking to is, but I tend to like 3-5 days of talking online to see if there’s any sort of connection. After that, it’s time to make a plan to meet. I try not to spend more than 10 days from the first message to the first date. Now, I totally understand that my time frame might seem outrageously long to some people, but I like to take my time to get to know someone before agreeing to a first date.

I once got caught up in a texting relationship for two months (true story!) so, for me, 10 days is small potatoes. Exchange a handful of messages, and if it’s going well, establish a time to meet up in person. Don’t get stuck exchanging messages for weeks, though.

Do understand what you want

In my opinion, it’s important to have standards because it helps to define exactly what you’re looking for. Your time is precious and you don’t want to spend it going on dates with people who don’t fulfill certain criteria for you. Get super clear on what you are looking for – and this isn’t only physical. What kind of partnership do you want? What certain things do you need out of a relationship? Figure out your standards and you’ll find dating to be a lot more fun!

(That said, there’s a difference between having standards and having high standards. For example, it’s okay to want to date someone who is taller than you, but if you only want to date people who are a specific height, you might have high standards.)

Don’t get picked up on a first date

This is my number one piece of advice for online dating – never get picked up on a first date, I don’t care how nice the person may seem. Typically, I wait until the 4th or 5th date for that, though I once made the mistake of getting picked up on a second date (one that ended horrifically) and having to sit through a long dinner where I felt uncomfortable was pretty miserable. Also: this person is still a stranger to you! You haven’t met them in person, so giving them your home address is wacky to me.

Do get yourself tested

Okay, ladies and gents, I need to put on my parental hat here. If you are online dating and not getting tested for STDs regularly, we’re going to need to have a chat. Your sexual health needs to be as important as your standards for who you will and will not date. At a minimum, you need to get tested once a year if you’re sexually active. (But if you’ve had unprotected sex and/or you believe your partner has an STD, you’ll want to get tested again.)

If you’re unsure of what STD testing entails (and I get it – it can be scary!), there’s a handy-dandy website to help you learn more about STDs and the types of testing you can choose from. They even have a nifty symptom checker to help you discover which STDs you need to be tested for, if any.

Don’t leave home without an exit strategy

Before you leave for your date, make sure you have an exit strategy in place. This is especially important for women, to have a way to leave the date if things become uncomfortable. This allows you to leave the date whenever you want – even if you’re five minutes in. You do not have to stay there if you feel unsafe. Have a friend standing by to call you with an “emergency,” have an excuse ready to go if you need to leave, just have an exit strategy.

Having an exit strategy may sound dishonest or mean. But it’s not; it’s smart dating. It can be a scary world out there, and if you’re not feeling comfortable with the person you’re with, then you need to follow your gut and leave.

Do enjoy the experience

Online dating can be the worst. I totally get that. I’ve been doing it for 5+ years, and it has had high-highs and low-lows. But when I take away the pressure of finding the perfect mate and just try to enjoy the experience of meeting new people, I find myself liking this world of online dating. I have met some really cool and interesting guys that I would never have met if it weren’t for OK Cupid and Tinder and eHarmony. I’ve gotten to explore more of my city, try new restaurants, and see new things. Be open to what’s to come. It may exceed your expectations.

This post was sponsored by STD Testing Plus, a website that provides fast, accurate, and confidential STD testing at labs throughout the United States. All words and opinions are my own. Thank you for supporting me.

How did you meet your significant other? If you’re single, any additional “Dos” or “Don’ts” that I left off my list?