Happy Friday! I feel like I’m ready to get back to a somewhat normal blogging schedule, although it’s hard not to bring COVID-19 into my posts. But I think that’s natural and okay! This week, I felt the urge to make a blogging schedule (I’ve basically abandoned all blogging plans since mid-March), so I did that and now have a tentative plan through June. Time will tell if I feel like sticking to it, though.

Today, I wanted to return to one of my fave Friday posts – answering questions from the Real Talk Radio podcast! Let’s dive in. 🙂

1) What’s something that makes you feel the most at home?

I’m going to be super corny here: my cats. They make me feel grounded, less alone, and happy. I love having them to come home to—the six months I spent between Dutch’s death and adopting Eloise were some of the loneliest of my life, mostly because coming home to an empty apartment is downright depressing. I love having these silly, happy girls to hang out with all the time.

2) Describe your current favorite outfit: what’s making you feel most like yourself these days?

Listen, are any of us wearing anything fashionable right now? I’m just not one of those people who wants to get dressed and do my hair and makeup to sit in my apartment all day. That said, I have adopted a “day wear” look. It consists of a pair of soft pajama pants (tencel fabric – almost feels like silk!) that have a really fun pattern and a tank top. It’s so comfy! I don’t know if it’s making me feel “most like myself” but it does make me feel really cozy and happy. 🙂

3) What’s something you’re actively working to get better at?

I’m trying to learn how to not take everything so personally. This is one of my most constant struggles, something I’ve spent hours in therapy discussing. I am extremely sensitive—and this doesn’t just relate to being a Highly Sensitive Person. Being an HSP is more about my nervous system and the way my brain processes outside stimuli. But I’m also inwardly sensitive, in which I take things very personally and perceive things as slights that don’t mean to be. The easiest way to explain it is like this: I was planning a movie date with four friends many months ago. (Remember movie dates?) It was at a theater with assigned seating, so one friend bought his ticket and picked a seat. I bought my ticket and picked the seat next to him. Then the other two friends picked the seats on the other side of him, leaving me alone. Did they mean to pick seats away from me? No. Does it mean they don’t actually like me? No. But I took it deeply personally and felt hurt.

This is an illogical thought pattern. My friends aren’t going out of their way to hurt me or exclude me! That’s silly. Come on, brain! But it’s a defense mechanism because underlying this sensitivity is low self-esteem. That’s what this kind of sensitivity boils down to. It’s this constant worry that my friends don’t like me, that I’m not worthy of their friendship, that they all talk about me behind my back. (I really would have hoped I would have grown out of this by my 30s, but alas.) Logically, I know that none of that is true, but when my sensitivity kicks in and I feel slighted by something a friend said or did (or didn’t say or didn’t do), all of those fears come rushing to the surface.

I don’t want my friends to feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me, or that my feelings are their responsibility. This is my own internal struggle, something I am working hard on breaking down. I want to be able to have normal relationships where every little thing isn’t always dissected and internalized by my brain. Do you know how exhausting that is? It’s so exhausting. So, I’m working on it. I’m trying to take that illogical thought pattern and challenge it when it pops up. (“What facts do I have that support this thought? What facts do I have that do not support this thought?”) I try to remind myself of all the big and tiny ways my friends have shown their love and care. Sometimes, I’ll even talk to a friend that I trust deeply about how I’m feeling. (“Lately, I’ve just been feeling like I don’t matter.”) There’s something really powerful about taking my inner critic out of my head.

4) When you look back on the past few months, what do you feel particularly proud about?

I’m proud that I’ve been able to manage my anxiety quite effectively, even through this global pandemic. I haven’t fallen down rabbit holes of worrying about worst-case scenarios and have remained fairly optimistic through this whole thing. My anxiety definitely has its moments and my sleep has been affected in myriad ways, but overall, it hasn’t been too bad all things considered. This type of situation can wreak havoc on anxiety sufferers because everything feels completely out of our control (especially since our country is led by buffoons) and there’s no clear timeline of what happens next. Florida is reopening, but what happens if cases explode? What is the summer going to look like? the fall? Will I feel safe planning any sort of trip (driving distance) away this year? Will football be back in September? What will it look like if it is? When will I feel safe eating at a restaurant? But even listing out all these questions doesn’t make my anxiety rise. The truth is, the answer to all of them is, I don’t know. And that’s okay.

5) Who’s one person you love following on social media?

I’ve probably mentioned this account before, but it bears repeating because it’s probably the best “dogstagram” – it’s Crusoe the Celebrity Dachshund! Crusoe looks exactly like my Dutchy-Boy, which is probably why I love his account so much, but it’s also such a fun, light-hearted, hilarious Instagram! In the last year, Crusoe became a big brother to Daphne, who has her own account and she lights up my world just as much. (Probably because I dream of having an English cream dachshund one day!) Crusoe also has a Youtube channel and his videos are always hilarious and incredibly well-produced. My mom and I always text each other after a video is released to talk about it and relay our favorite parts! (We’re obsessed.) Anyway, if you want an account to follow that’s just going to make you smile, I definitely suggest Crusoe and Daphne!

Tell me someone you love following on social media!

Happy Friday and Happy Valentine’s Day! I have today off work, but not for fun reasons. I have an orthopedic appointment this morning and a vet appointment for Eloise this afternoon (just her annual wellness visit). Let’s hope my ortho has good news for me and Eloise doesn’t put up too much of a fuss about being at the vet. (She’s usually pretty chill, even at the vet, so she should be fine.)

I have more questions from the Real Talk Radio podcast to answer today! One of my favorite post series. <3

1) What’s something you do purely for fun and joy?

Writing this blog! I don’t do this for money—as I’ve said before, it’s a hobby that actually costs me money with hosting fees and all that. I’m not interested in growing my blog into a business or using it to further my career; I just love having a space to come to and chat about my life. I love the friendships I’ve made from blogging and how strong those bonds are. I love the catharsis of writing about my life and getting advice and feedback from other people. Writing this blog is so much fun for me; I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t fun. I love thinking about blog topics and writing posts and creating graphics. I’ve been writing this blog for over a decade now and I tell myself I’ll stop when it’s no longer fun, and I am so, so grateful that time has yet to come.

2) What’s one boundary of yours that’s important to you and what does it look like in your real life to enforce it?

My alone time. I guard my alone time fiercely because it’s the #1 thing I need in order to keep my anxiety at bay. This means I say no to plans on a fairly frequent basis. I know that can be annoying to some friends, but pleasing everyone is never an achievable goal and I have to take care of myself first and foremost. I try to only make weeknight plans once a week (twice at most) and then 1-2 plans on the weekends. And if I have plans on a weekend, let’s say I make plans for a Saturday night, then I’ll keep my Saturday morning/afternoon free so I can make sure my batteries are fully charged before then. My alone time is so sacred to me and it’s the boundary that I have no problem enforcing in my relationships.

3) What are three things you are grateful for lately?

• Work friends – I went through a period in 2018 and a good part of 2019 where I felt a little adrift at work as all my close work friends left for new jobs. It was a hard transition period, as I had gone from having seven or eight coworkers to talk to on a daily basis and vent about work issues to… none. But things have shifted for me and I’ve found a new group of close work friends. This makes me really happy because I am someone who needs friends at work. I do not thrive in a solitary work environment. I need buddies to chat with and have lunch with and vent to. I’m so glad I’ve found that again!
• A loved one feeling better – I’m not going to get into specifics here as it’s not my story to tell, but I am so, so grateful for this after months of worry and fear.
• Great sleep – I have been implementing a nighttime routine this week (finally!) and it’s been going really well. I’m usually crawling into bed by 9:15 to read (one night, I was in bed by 8:45!) and getting a solid 7-8 hours of sleep. It’s divine!

4) What’s one thing you do in your most important relationships that keeps them strong and happy?

I will admit that I am still learning how to be a good friend, and I have my own hangups about friendship that I am constantly talking about in therapy. (Mostly me saying, “I think all my friends hate me,” and my therapist countering, asking me what evidence I have that supports that theory and me mumbling, “None. But it’s probably true.”) Back in high school, I had a lot of one-sided friendships that fell away during college and it took me a long time to be able to trust people again and want to put effort into my friendships.

Anyway, I am in a much better place now and have a cohort of close girlfriends who mean the world to me. I try to regularly check in with them through text and make sure to plan things with them, like one-on-one dates or happy hours and such. It’s always hard to balance time with my girlfriends with the alone time I crave, but I try to make it work. Just as having too many plans makes my anxiety ratchet up, too much alone time makes my mood dip drastically. A good balance is key.

5) What’s the last thing you felt really excited about?

Lol, my tax refund. It’s the first time in three or four years that I haven’t had to report freelance earnings, so I was pleasantly surprised with my refund this year! It’ll allow me to nearly pay off my credit card, although I think I’m going to set aside a small portion of my refund to buy myself something special. (And by “something special,” I mean a cordless vacuum because that’s what I’ve been dreaming about lately. It’s really true what they say, adults are so friggin boring.)

What’s the last thing you felt really excited about?

Happy Friday! It’s been a while since I answered some Friday Questions. I’ve been saving a handful of these to answer at the end of 2019/beginning of 2020 as they are reflecting on what happened over the past year or what I’m thinking about in the coming year. Let’s dive in! (As always, these questions were taken from the Community Questions portion of the Real Talk Radio podcast.)

1) What’s something that you’ve gotten better at over the past year?

I’ve gotten better at not letting other people’s emotions dictate my own. I’m someone who takes on the energy of other people, so if someone comes to me with a problem or needs to talk about something sad, my entire mood shifts. (It also works for my benefit, though, as I will take on the happy emotions of other people!) I feel like I’ve started to understand how to be there for people and listen to their problems without being drawn into their sadness or raw emotions. Therapy has helped me immensely with this as well as constantly reminding myself that I am not responsible for anyone’s emotions, only my own. (That sounds a bit selfish, I know, but I don’t mean that I don’t care about other people anymore. I mean that I have to let people feel their feelings without trying to step in and fix things and make them happy again. That’s not my job. I’m not the happiness police.)

2) What’s something that you find challenging lately?

Dating. Dating has always been challenging for me, and I’m starting to wonder if the app-based dating world is just not for me. I swear it’s just an exercise in futility. Of crafting clever messages to only get “lol” in response and conversations that go nowhere. I’m trying to put a lot of effort into dating this year but man, a week back on the apps and I’m already ready to throw in the towel.

3) What feels most important to you this year?

Getting my financial life together. Honestly, it’s more than time for this considering I’m solidly in my 30s and I can’t continue carrying these bad money habits with me. Something’s gotta give. I want to be smarter about the way I choose to spend my money. I want to keep daily tabs on my checking account (sometimes I won’t check it for over a week because I’m too overwhelmed). I want to save more than I ever have. I just want to feel good about my financial life. I want to feel secure in my financial future. I’ve never really felt that way and I want that to change in 2020.

4) What’s one place you would love to visit in 2020?

I’ve been thinking about planning a visit to Niagara Falls. This would be the “big” trip I take this year with my mom, and we’d explore both the U.S. and Canada sides. I also have a price alert set up for flights to Hawaii, lol, so we’ll see if the price comes down to a reasonable number. Hawaii is probably #1 on my bucket list so fingers crossed!

5) What’s one thing that you’re objectively pretty bad at but you love to do anyway?

Dancing. Listen, I’m your garden-variety white girl who cannot dance to save her life. I refuse to look at photos or videos of me dancing because I know I will die of embarrassment. But it’s still so much fun for me (especially after a few drinks when all my inhibitions are down) to just let loose and move my body in a way I don’t normally allow myself to. It helps to have friends who don’t care what I look like when I dance and push me onto the dance floor. 😉

What’s one place you’d like to visit this year?

Happy Friday! I have a pretty low-key weekend planned, although I’ll be spending the majority working on a side project since it’s due on Monday. In the midst of that, I have a massage planned and my nephew’s birthday party. I’m also hoping to put together my gallery wall (nope, didn’t do it last weekend!) and assemble a small, three-shelf bookcase I picked up from Target a few weeks ago. So I think I’ll have plenty to do to fill my time!

It’s the end of the month, which means it’s time for another round of Friday Questions from the Real Talk Radio podcast. Let’s dive in!

1) Fast forward five years. Your future self is talking to you. What advice does your future self give you right now?

I think my future self wouldn’t want me to spend so much time worrying about my love life and that I’ll never find someone to spend my life with. Because maybe I won’t! And isn’t that okay? I’m so happy with what my life looks like today – I have a career I love, friends I adore, and two perfect cats to dote on. I’m financially independent, self-sufficient, and have so many hobbies that I’m never bored. That’s a beautiful life, even if it doesn’t include a partner. My future self would want me to be happy with where I am now – while still continuing to put myself out there and be open to meeting new people – and to stop wasting mental energy worrying about what the future holds.

2) What’s one thing that helps you when you’re feeling very overwhelmed or stressed?

Making lists! Work right now is insane and I’ve been feeling very stressed about my workload (it should all calm down around October 8th). So I wrote out a list of every single thing I needed to do this week and next week and then organized all the tasks into a daily schedule. So, I know exactly what I need to do every day for the next two weeks. It helped my stress levels immensely. There’s a lot going on, yes, but as long as I stay focused, I can get it all done.

When I’m stressed about something not work- or deadline-related, it still helps to make lists. Maybe a brain dump of my thoughts if I’m feeling stressed about a personal situation. If it’s my budget, it’s listing out my upcoming expenses to get a better grasp on my financial situation. I’m a visual person and just being able to see everything laid out and understanding exactly what I need to do helps me to take a deep breath and feel less stressed.

3) What’s the one thought that gives you the most butterflies right now?

I’m pretty excited about NaNoWriMo. I’m looking forward to immersing myself in my book for the month of November and making serious progress on it. I’ve attempted NaNoWriMo a few times and only succeeded at it once, but I remember how much fun it was the one time I succeeded. I was so fully committed to writing each and every day, and I had the time of my life. This time, I have a much better plot and more fully fleshed-out characters so I’m hopeful the process will be easier and even more fun than last time.

4) What’s one thing you’ve had to learn to accept about yourself?

My quietness. I used to be very self-conscious about it, especially because I’d always have to answer the fateful question, “Why are you so quiet?” (Which, how do you even answer that?! I don’t ask people why they talk so much!) I’m never the loudest person in the group and even with my best friends, I’m the one sitting back and letting everyone else talk. Maybe I’ll interject a comment here and there, and if it’s a topic I’m especially amped about, I’m happy to jump into the fray, but mostly, I let everyone else do the talking. It took me a long time to come to terms with my quietness because I always used to view it as a negative part of my personality. I always thought it meant I was boring and that was why I’d never have friends. But it’s not! It’s just part of who I am and it means when I do speak up, it’s because I have something to say, something I feel is important and worth opening up my mouth for.

5) Who’s someone (writer, blogger, podcaster, etc.) who has had an impact on your thinking this year?

Robin DiAngelo. She wrote the book White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism and it was a life-changing read for me. No matter how “woke” you think you are (“you” being the collective white person), we all have implicit racism. We all laughed at a racist joke, even if we didn’t think it was funny because we wanted to “belong” to a group. Robin’s book digs into why whiteness is considered the superior identity and it has helped me recognize all the tiny ways we engage in racist behavior. It all matters. Robin DiAngelo does such an amazing job at unpacking how we interact with racism in so many ways, from our schools to our neighborhoods, and it’s astonishing all the ways people of color have to care for white people’s feelings. (Ugh, we are so damn fragile. It’s disgusting.) Anyway, she has changed my worldview and helped me to better understand my own racism so I can try to be a better ally. I still have a long way to go and I work every day to dismantle my own implicit bias. I can’t recommend this book highly enough.

What’s something you’ve had to accept about yourself?

Happy Friday, my friends! I am happy to see this long weekend, although I am not happy about Hurricane Dorian. At the moment, it seems like the west coast of Florida will miss most of the nastiness. It could land at a Category 1 for us (which is what Irma was for us in the Tampa Bay area) or it could miss us completely. Right now, it’s leaning towards missing us completely, but we’re told to be prepared for high winds, rain, and power outages. Fun times! I’m just worried about the east coast of Florida since it could land as a Category 4 there and that could be devastating. Fingers cross Dorian veers south and disappears into the Atlantic!

Aside from all that craziness, my weekend should be low-key. I have a massage this afternoon, some errands to run tomorrow, and game night with the fam on Saturday night. I was hoping to take Chip to the dog beach with my mom and stepdad, but it’s going to be a rainy weekend so no-go for that. Time to hunker down, read lots of books, and pray my power doesn’t go out!

Anywho… let’s dive into today’s post! I’m reaching into the archives of the Real Talk Radio podcast to pull out some of the community questions to answer. Enjoy!

1) How do you typically spend the last hour of your day?

Typically, I’m doing my nighttime routine, which involves tidying up my apartment, washing any dishes that are in the sink, and cleaning the litter boxes. I also brush my teeth and face and then snuggle up into bed with my book and my phone. I alternate between reading and scrolling through Instagram for about 30 minutes before setting my alarm, plugging in my phone, and saying goodnight to the kitties!

2) What’s one area of your life that’s challenging right now?

Hm… there are a few areas, but most of those I’m not willing to talk about on my public blog. Haha. But something I am willing to discuss is friendship and finding ways to reach out more. I have a very hard time reaching out, even just texting a friend to ask about going to dinner. There are a few friends I want to do this with, but I’m so fearful of rejection (and the way I downward spiral when someone says no, even if they give an entirely reasonable answer as to why), so I just… don’t. Of course, if I do make plans, then I have to worry about social anxiety and spending all of my time leading up to dinner dreading it. Even though I know I’ll enjoy it! And feel great afterward! But my social anxiety likes to be that little devil on my shoulder beforehand. It’s exhausting. Hence, why I don’t reach out.

3) When it comes to money, what is one thing you purposefully don’t spend money on and what is one thing that is a totally worthwhile splurge?

I purposefully don’t spend money on shoes. I’m not someone with multiple pairs of shoes for every different scenario. I have one pair of flip-flops, one pair of sandals, a pair of black flats, a pair of nude flats, one pair of heels, one pair of TOMs, etc. I pay as little as possible for shoes and only replace them when they have fallen apart. (I just threw out a pair of sandals that I had worn a hole through. I wore those suckers to the bone.) Shoes hold so little value for me.

As for something that’s a totally worthwhile splurge for me, definitely expensive haircuts and color. I probably pay close to $1,000 a year for my haircuts and colors. Every two months, I visit my salon to have my hair colored (and every four months, I get it cut) and it’s not cheap at all. But it’s so worth it to me. The coloring products they use are of higher quality and my hair holds the color pretty well, and there’s just something decadent about these hair appointments for me. I love them and very much look forward to them every other month!

4) If anything were possible, what is one of your big dreams or fantasies?

I’d love to start a silent reading party here in St. Petersburg. I loved the silent reading event I attended earlier this summer, but it takes place in a small room at a meditation center and I don’t think most people know about it. My dream is to partner with a well-known restaurant or bar in the area that would allow me to host the event on a Saturday morning (preferably when they’re closed). People could get a drink and maybe a snack, sit down with their book and read for an hour or two. There’d be time for socializing before and after. Similar to what Silent Reading Party RVA is doing. But I don’t even know how to get started or how to get the word out! Just a dream I have in the back of my mind.

5) What’s one activity that you can always count on to make you feel good?

I mean, this is easy. Reading! Especially if it involves a hot bubble bath. 🙂 Reading is the one thing I try to do every day, even if it’s only for 10-15 minutes at the end of the day. It allows me to escape my mind for a while and focus on something else, and I just love it so much.

What’s something you don’t splurge on and something you do?