If you haven’t been reading my blog for very long, you might be surprised to know that this blog used to be very heavily focused on my faith. Back then, I wrote about my faith on a weekly basis, but I can’t remember the last time I wrote about it. It’s been a few years at least.
And the answer as to why I haven’t written about my faith is a simple one: I’ve been wrestling with what faith means to me, if I even believe in God, and how Christians are viewed in this culture today.
I should start from the beginning. Settle in, my friends. This is going to be a ride.
I grew up in a Pentecostal church. If you don’t know what that means, basically I grew up thinking someone interrupting a church service to “speak in tongues” was totally normal. I grew up thinking everyone danced in the aisles and front of the church during worship. I grew up thinking I wasn’t “saved” enough if I wasn’t slain in the Spirit whenever a pastor prayed over me. (“Slain in the Spirit” basically means falling to the ground because you’re so overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit; or, if you’re me, it’s because you don’t want to be seen as “unholy” so you fall down by your own power.)
My grandparents were the pastors of my children’s church, and so we faithfully attended church every Sunday morning. We also typically attended church on Sunday night and Wednesday night. That was my life throughout my entire childhood and most of my teenage years. It’s important to note here that my dad never attended church with my mom, my brother, and me. He did not believe he needed church to be a Christian, which is true, but I’m not so sure he is/was a Christian. Mostly because of the way he used to make fun of my mom for attending church. So I had that dichotomy: my mom, a strong Christian woman who took us to church, and my dad, a nonbeliever who made fun of everything that had to do with Christianity.
In retrospect, my dad’s bullying ways are probably what led me to become an even stronger Christian. And, in truth, having my faith helped me through some of my more troubling years of childhood when my dad was at his worst. There’s something comforting about faith when times are tough.
My faith was a huge part of my identity from the time I was young and throughout my early twenties. I was fully invested in everything the church preached: I didn’t curse, dressed modestly, believed sex outside of marriage was sinful, didn’t listen to secular music or read books that didn’t have Christian themes. I wore a “True Love Waits” ring on my left ring finger for years and felt pride in the fact that I had never “given up my special gift” for some random guy. I was highly judgmental of people who didn’t follow the Christian faith. I believed that the only path to happiness was by being a believer. I didn’t believe in gay rights and was staunchly pro-life.
It’s comical to write all of this out, honestly, because it reminds me of a time when I was deeply unhappy. I wasn’t stretching myself and trying to find different viewpoints. I was stuck in a white conservative Christian bubble where things were strictly black and white. Gray areas did not exist.
So, what shifted? Because it’s obvious that I don’t necessarily prescribe to this same set of beliefs anymore. I’m more liberal, for one thing, and I can honestly say that it was the actions of Christians in my circle and the way they so easily supported Donald Trump for president that pushed me over the edge.
But truthfully, I was nearing that edge way before then.
I quickly became disenchanted with the church in my mid-twenties. It started when I tried joining church groups and was ignored. It’s always my worst nightmare – to push myself outside my comfort zone and join a social group alone, only to be completely ignored the entire time I’m there. I didn’t know about my introversion and social anxiety before then, so I thought it was just me. I thought I was good enough for the church. I wasn’t holy enough or friendly enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. And when this happened over and over again, it was easy to believe it was me and not them.
That’s when the cracks in my faith started to appear.
After not finding a place in my church, I started attending church less and less and subsequently, started to read my bible and pray less and less. I was still a believer. I still yearned for God, but it was less important to me. I didn’t think I was holy enough for Him.
And that’s when I really started to examine my faith and what it meant to me. What does being a Christian mean to me, personally? Do I even really want this life?
Every time I opened my bible, my guilt jumped out at me. There was just something about being told, over and over again, that I am a sinner and the only way to make up for my sinful nature is to believe in God that started rubbing me the wrong way. I couldn’t get away from this idea that I am a sinner, I have always been a sinner, and I will always be a sinner. This is really the basic tenant of Christianity, and it seemed like every time I opened my bible, I would learn about a different way I was a sinner and needed God.
Every time I did something that went against the faith, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. It could be as simple as reading a romance novel or as massive as masturbating (yes, I’m getting really real here). The guilt followed me everywhere and I honestly believed I was the only one who wrestled with my faith like this.
I’m not, of course. It’s the simple truth of the faith journey is that we all battle against our “sinful nature,” but what if… I just didn’t have to battle anymore? What if I just let myself do the things I wanted to do – things that, mind you, aren’t hurting anyone and actually bring me great pleasure – without the guilt I always attached to them?
It’s a question that followed me for years. There wasn’t a light bulb moment where I just stopped battling against my faith. It was gradual. I stopped attending church. I stopped reading my bible. I stopped reading Christian fiction. I stopped listening to Christian music. I stopped praying.
Gradually, I stopped battling against my faith. I just began to live my life without the guilt. It was freeing in the way my faith never was.
And then the 2016 presidential election happened and I saw Christians throw their support for a man who went against everything I thought they believed in. A man who bragged about sexual assault and didn’t believe in helping those less fortunate and made misogynistic comments about his opponent and other women. A man who wasn’t faithful to his wives. A man who said terrible things about other people. That is who you want to support?
It was the beginning of the end for me. I couldn’t reconcile my faith with the way the Christian community was behaving. If that is what it meant to be a Christian, I didn’t want any part of it.
So what’s the state of my faith today? The truth is, I don’t really know.
My faith looks nothing like it did when I was growing up. Even still, I take so much comfort in faith, in bible stories, in hymns, in sermons. I believe that God exists, but that He takes different forms for everyone and it’s not my job to judge that. I miss being a part of a church family, but I’ve been burned so many times by the church that I’m not sure I have it in me to try again, even with a church that ascribes to my beliefs. There’s also the fact that I have social anxiety and joining a new church is downright terrifying for me.
But also, I don’t want my faith to be a defining part of who I am. For most of my childhood, it was my main identifier and it’s really hard when your main identifying characteristic is something you’re actually bad at. And something that makes you feel guilty nearly all the time.
At my core, I’m not a Christian. I’m just a woman who is trying her best to be a good person. And not a good person because of my Christianity, but a good person because it’s the right thing to be. A woman who tries to fight an administration that doesn’t embody any of Christ’s teachings. A woman who tries to help out those in need as much as she can, accept everyone as they are, and keep her mind open to differing viewpoints.
My faith today is less about guilt and trying to live up to the impossible standards of the perfect Christian woman. My faith today is to simply be the best me I can be. To honor my needs, to love people where they are, and to live in a way that makes me proud.
These days I consider myself a Deist. I don’t believe there’s anyone guiding our lives, I believe that we were Made by something bigger than ourselves – God, Universe, but that much like toy soldiers we were wound up and let go. It’s up to us where to go, and no amount of prayer will change anything (I don’t pray). It’s up to us to make this world what we want it to be, and being a good person is more important than being a faithful one. Any God that would deny entrance to Heaven or whatever because of their faith even if they are a good person is not a God I would believe in.
I agree with much of what you’re saying here, especially about being a good person over being a faithful one. I guess I’ve just seen so many people hide behind their faith for why they marginalize other people, and that’s not okay with me anymore. You can be a moral, good person without having a strong faith. And that’s what I’m trying to do.
I absolutely understand your story, and a lot of it sounds like my own. For a long time – and maybe even a little now – I wanted “being a Christian” to be my story because everyone who was seemed to be so happy. But I couldn’t come to terms with the guilt I felt and that I was ok with the sin. Agreed, seeing so many who sinned and thought it was ok because they were automatically forgiven the next day and whose moral compasses seemed so wrong was confusing too. Some Christians seem to pick and choose what parts of their faith to follow, especially if its in THEIR best interest. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad I’m not alone in figuring out what it all means to me now.
I wanted to share my journey with faith because I think the struggle to figure it out and understand what it means to us personally isn’t talked about enough. It’s almost as if it’s shameful to not be 100% certain of our faith and what we believe in. And it shouldn’t that way because I think it’s totally healthy to question what we believe in and come to terms with our faith. For me, being a good, moral person is so much more important than being a good Christian.
This was fascinating & amazing to read, in part because it’s very different from my own religious upbringing but also because it’s so very similar to my best friend’s experiences. She didn’t grow up particularly religious, but she went to a Mennonite college & came very close to evangelical; she even met her husband in a program called The Mission. She & her husband & their Mission friends have since all fallen away from evangelicalism, though, & while they all still consider themselves Christian, they have private Bible studies at people’s houses, with margaritas; their faith is private & meaningful, rather than public & guilt-laden. It’s been incredible to watch her religious trajectory, truly, & I am so proud of her for finding a spiritual space that feels right for her.
I feel the same for you, having read your blog all these years, starting when you were still very religious. You’ve come a long way & are doing so incredibly, & I have a lot of respect & admiration for the way you’ve broken away from your religious upbringing to truly consider what it means to you & whether it’s right for you. Whether or not you belong to a church or know exactly what you believe about God or Jesus or Christianity, I hope you find a place that feels right for you, spiritually, & that you continue to feel comfortable working through it to get there.
Thanks for sharing on such a personal topic!
My faith was such a big part of my upbringing, but now it feels like I can finally “come clean” with who I really am as a person and what my faith means to me today. I cringe when I read some of my older blog posts about my faith, and I also feel so sad for that girl who was doing her best, and coming up short, and feeling so guilty about that. I just want to give her a hug! But I think a lot of us millennials are rejecting traditional church and religion now, and finding out what faith means to us personally and not taking it so seriously anymore. It’s really great to see and makes me feel so less alone in my faith journey.
I identify with a lot of what you write here, for example frustrations with Christians, guilt for being “not so Christian.” We don’t go to church and I’ve been struggling with if and how to raise Henrik as a Christian. But one thing I’ve always held on to is this: I am a Christian because I believe in the actions of Christ. I am not a Christian because I believe in the actions of Christians. Just like I wouldn’t expect a Muslim to renounce Islam because of suicide bombers.
Do you follow Kissing Fish on Facebook? Might be something you’d be interested in.
You make a really good point here, about not worrying about the actions of other Christians, and I think that’s something I’ve struggled with in my faith journey. Faith is so personal, but it is also hard to do on your own. We need community and fellowship, but I’ve really yet to find a group of people who really “get” me when it comes to the Christian community. I’ve never felt like I belonged in church, which is a weird thing to experience when everyone else seemed to fit in easily. So, while I do believe in God and I would like to find a space in a faith community, I’ve been burned so many times that I don’t know if I have it in me to try again.
I’ll have to check out Kissing Fish! Sounds interesting. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this! Writing about your faith is HARD. I was raised Catholic and am still Catholic. I’m not as great about going to mass weekly as I used to be, though, mostly out of laziness. Phil and I had a lot of conversations about religion and faith before getting married. He was raised Catholic but his parents stopped going to mass when he was in HS because the church’s views didn’t align with theirs, especially around homosexuality (his parents are/were liberal). I don’t fully subscribe to everything the church teaches either which makes it hard sometimes to sit through sermons, but overall I feel a sense of peace when I attend mass. That said, I don’t really like to identify myself as a Christian because I feel that many Christians these days do not uphold the teachings of Christ. I find it so baffling how the Christian right population can support Donald Trump when he is such an evil and devisive person. I don’t understand how you can be pro-life but then don’t believe in access to health care for all. It just seems like two-faced. I am pro-life, but I’m pro-all-life, from conception to natural death. Phil and i often talk about how traditional pro-lifers want to support the dignity of human life from conception until child birth – and then after that you are on your own. I also get really upset about the dialogue around immigration from the Christian right population because it is just so out of line with the teachings of Jesus. Luckily the Catholic church is pro-immigration. The Sunday after Christmas was “immigration Sunday” and they had post cards to send to your senators and reps asking them to support DACA. So that was nice to see.
My experience with my faith has definitely evolved over the years. Meeting Phil and talking about religion challenged me to really think about why I believe what I believe. One night we sat down as he had come up with a list of questions about my faith/beliefs. It made me realize that I needed to work on understanding why I believe what I believe. To be clear, Phil wasn’t attacking me – he was genuinely curious about what my beliefs were and why I believed what I believed. And it was helpful for us to have that discussion because we do plan to baptize our child in the Catholic church, but one thing we want to do differently for our child is to expose him or her to other churches and belief systems. I kind of feel like I am Catholic mostly because my parents are and it would break my moms heart if I ever left the church. But we don’t want our child to choose to continue to be Catholic out of guilt or fear of disappointing us. Gah, this stuff is hard, though, and it’s something we are going to have a life-long dialogue about. One thing that I really respect about Phil is that he is a good, kind person who does the right things – but not out of fear of the consequences (hell) but because it’s the right thing to do. We met with a deacon and priest when we were dating to talk about religion and after our first meeting with the deacon, we were talking about things afterwards and I teared up and said that I believe in heaven and I want him to be in heaven with me and his response was – but if I live the right kind of life, shouldn’t I end up there? And I think he has a point.
Anyways, great thought-provoking post!!
It sounds like you and Phil have put so much more thought into your faiths and what you believe in than most Christians I know! I really love that you guys have been able to have such an honest and open dialogue about faith, even down to a Q&A session to define what faith means to you and how it will affect your life and family going forward. That’s so awesome! I think faith is such a tricky subject and all of us come to it with our own baggage that it’s really tough to talk about, even with our loved ones. But it’s also one of the most important things to discuss and it really defines who we are, in a way.
I really respect that you are so open with this post. I am fascinated with religion and love it when people talk about what they believe. I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka Mormon). I think the pressure to be “perfect” is huge for so many people (especially women). If you find peace in sermons or talks I would recommend “Be Ye Therefore Perfect- Eventually” by Elder Jeffrey R Holland (google that and you can watch or read it on lds.org). The older I get the more I also think we go through seasons of believing. This doesn’t make you a bad Christian or a bad churchgoer. I think it just means that you are human. I think that as children of God he loves us unconditionally no matter where we are in our spiritual journey.
P.S The thought of having to reach out and find a church group is terrifying to me. I can totally relate to that anxiety. One of my favorite parts of the organizational system of the LDS faith is the geographically based assignment of congregations. I just have to look up where I’m assigned to go and show up.
Thanks so much for a kind and thoughtful comment! I was so nervous about putting my faith journey out there for public consumption. It’s terrifying, but it’s true that we all go through peaks and valleys in our faith journeys, and that’s totally okay. Also – I love that the LDS church assigns congregations based on geography. That’s such a good idea!
I relate to this on so many levels. I was raised so religiously and really believed in my faith and was super outspoken. In HS, we had a debate about gay marriage and I was staunchly pro-gay and was stunned to find out (and be shamed that I thought) others weren’t into gay rights. When I got divorced, I was gossipped about and hated on by people in my church. It made it easy to leave. I currently identify as agnostic — I don’t know. I do know that my partner and I both work to be good people and kind people and I don’t think that being gay has anything to do with my value in this world, despite what church taught me. It’s unfortunate to see the hate that exclusion that comes out of many churches. I’m happy for you that you’ve found a way of living that makes you feel whole and complete and isn’t driven by other people’s beliefs.
I think the exclusion aspect of faith is what has really rubbed me the wrong way in recent years. It just never made sense to me and it didn’t track with what I knew about Jesus, that we would marginalize other people or believe that they didn’t deserve the same rights as us. I still believe in God, but I just don’t believe in the church as a whole anymore. And yes, I also think being a good person matters more than being a good Christian.
THANK YOU for being so genuine.
I can relate to some of this. I went to a Catholic school and was raised Catholic, although my family was not into churchgoing as much as you lay out in your post. A lot of the teachings of the Catholic Church just made me feel like a crappy person and guilt over decisions like having sex before marriage followed me around for a long, long time. I also have an ambiguous relationship with faith currently and it makes me feel not so alone to read your post and the comments here 🙂
Thank you for such a great comment, Susan. I was terrified to push publish on this post, but it was so cathartic for me to write and I am so glad it’s helpful for others to read. Faith is such a tricky subject matter and it’s something that’s not talked about enough – at least in the sense of struggling with our relationship to it. I hope we both find some peace in our faith journeys. <3
I really enjoyed reading this because it’s the total opposite of my upbringing. We never went to church (except for funerals) and I never learned to pray or read the bible. I have always believed in God and heaven, but don’t really understand it beyond the basics. A few years ago, Jerry and I decided we wanted to become church goers and raise our son in a church. I started asking questions of my religious friends and one even got me a kid’s bible because it was easy to understand. We went to church a few times but didn’t really like it. There were too many people and not the sense of community we wanted. The biggest issue is that we had no idea what they were talking about in the mass so we felt no benefit or connection. I don’t want to give up on our religious journey but we’re at a standstill. We need to find a smaller church that is family oriented and not so rigid that we can’t understand what they’re talking about.
It is so hard to find a good church community! I feel awkward in small churches because I feel like everyone is staring at me, the new girl. But large churches are tough, too, because there’s so many people and it’s hard to find community in that way. I used to belong to one of those massive churches and our ladies Bible study probably had 100 women! It was hard to find your people in something like that. Hopefully, you can find a church that suits your family better in the future. <3
Hi Stephany, I’m a new-ish reader here and have really enjoyed following you! (Found you through Jessica Lawlor’s blog when she listed you on her site.)
Thanks for all that you shared here, you’re great at being vulnerable, which is something I’m still working to do on my own blog. All that to say I’m very sorry to hear your difficult experiences with churches. I’ve grown up a Christian too and it broke my heart that you were not welcomed or talked to. That’s just wrong and purely a reflection of human shortcomings. I think I’ve been able to connect at the churches I’ve attended in large part because I’ve been invited by a friend. I completely relate with you that showing up somewhere alone and feeling awkward or not talked to is the worst. If and when you decide to go back, I hope you would be invited by someone or attend with another friend to ease in.
I also wanted to say that it doesn’t sound like the churches you’ve attended are on point with their teaching. If you are walking away from a church service or from reading your bible with guilt and shame, then you’ve been lied to. We are clearly told “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Walking according to the spirit means you’ve confessed Jesus as Lord (which you have), it doesn’t mean you have to have a perfect/fake spiritual walk. It means you take what He’s done for you as the gift that it is, and you/we get to walk in freedom–not guilt or shame. Whenever you feel that way, you can fight it with the truth of God’s word. The enemy does not want us to be free or know the truth that it’s already been made available to us. That’s why the Bible says he’s the father of lies, and the “accuser of the brethren.”
I hope that encourages you. Even when other Christians are off point or do hurtful things, God is still good and I pray you continue to experience His goodness and presence in your life. If you’d like, I recommend listening to Lisa Bevere or Christine Caine, they are awesome biblical teachers who emphasize our living in freedom in Christ, not rules/guilt/religion.
Thanks for your comment, Kristy! Honestly, I think guilt and/or shame is a very common experience in religion, both from what I’ve dealt with and from what I’ve heard other people talk about. I don’t necessarily think that means what I learned in church was wrong or that I was lied to. I think my churches were on point in their teachings – it’s just that religion has shame and guilt built right into it (I mean, Catholic guilt, anyone?). There are sermons upon sermons about battling our sinful nature and I think I just got to the point where I had to decide if I wanted to keep feeling guilty about my natural self, or if I could just live my life as I wanted to live it. It probably doesn’t help that I didn’t have a positive experience in any of the churches I attended, and while I enjoyed the sermons and the worship, I did not find my community of people there. Instead, I found my people through my blog and my book club and my job – people who don’t believe as I do, but are there for me in a way my church could never be there for me. I really appreciate your comment, though, and it did bring me a sense of encouragement that maybe someday I’ll find the courage to attend church again, but it’s hard when you’ve been burned time and time again.
Thank you for this post. I was raised Catholic and was very involved in my church for years, but as I got older and found my own voice and beliefs, I realized that so many of the things I believed in were not the same as the Catholic Church. My own parents, one of which went K-12 in Catholic school, stopped going to Mass when the Catholic sex scandal took hold ( esp. since a lot of it was happening in our area and nearby Boston). My exhusband was super Catholic too– we didn’t even live together before we were married he was that traditional! But seeing how he was as a person and how opposite it was to Catholicism definitely hurt my image of the religion. It wasn’t until my father died that I have returned to church, though not regularly. I grapple with how to balance what I personally believe with what the Catholic Church does– they don’t always match, and that’s something I have to figure out on my own too. Pope Francis and his more open views and trying to modernize Catholicism has helped a bit, but I think for me I’m realizing being spiritual, praying, having a belief in something greater than myself, has less to do with an actual organized religion, and more with me and how I live my life.
I think the most important thing is that you’re taking the time to figure out what you believe in and how that fits in with Catholicism. I think it’s totally fine if some of your views don’t match up – as long as going to mass brings you comfort and hope, that’s a good thing.
What an honest and gut wrenching post. I admire your ability to have the courage not only to question your beliefs but also to communicate your findings, regardless of what ‘some’ might think. What struck me most about your story is the underlying desire we as humans have to connect- to feel we are a part of a group. I recall the short time in my life I attended a prayer group; it was because one girl invited me to ‘hang out.’ Next thing I knew, we were having conversations about the Bible and debating which came first the chicken or the egg. (That last one concluding the chicken because God created Adam and Eve as adults.) I didn’t go because I was a stanch believer. I went because I liked being a part of a group. I’m sorry you weren’t able to find your place in those groups. If it helps, I welcome you to our cool kid reading and creating circle. I’m delighted to have found you.
Yes, I think that’s exactly it: at our core, believers and non-believers alike want to find community in whatever way we can. It’s hard when you’re a shy introvert in a church because church seems to be filled with extroverts, so it was impossible to find my place. It’s also hard being a single thirty-something in the church because church is also filled with happy couples and families. Hopefully, one day, I’ll find a church that fits me but I’m also really happy with the community I found outside of church, with people who understand me and love me as I am, no faith needed. 🙂
Thank you for posting this, Stephany! I know it couldn’t have been easy but these types of stories are so important to tell.
I wasn’t raised in a super religious family but after my parents got divorced when I was 7 my mom wanted to go back to church. We went to a wonderful community church where the majority of my friends and neighbors also went. I was super active in my youth group, played in the church orchestra, was a camp counselor for some of our summer programs, etc. It was mostly a positive environment but I always, ALWAYS had questions and doubts. Whenever I voiced them I was basically told to be quiet and “have faith”. I slowly began to separate myself from church as I got older, and stopped going completely in my early 20s. I’m now an atheist – I don’t believe in god, or gods, I don’t believe in heaven, and I put my faith in science and reason. I believe in being a good human being because that’s the moral thing to do (and I don’t subscribe to the idea that morality comes to us from some higher power).
If you’re interested, some of my favorite writers/philosophers on this subject are Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, and Richard Dawkins. A few of my favorite books are “Letter to a Christian Nation”, “The End of Faith”, “The God Delusion”, and “God is not Great”. There are also hundreds of lectures and discussions from these people, and others, on YouTube if you’re at all interested in hearing their side of the coin.
Thanks again for posting this! I always appreciate dialogue on this subject 🙂
I think it’s so natural to have questions about faith and what you believe in, and I think we’re doing such a great disservice when we silence kids/teens/adults who are asking those tough questions. The way I see it, if you don’t have a good answer to those types of questions, what do you really believe in? It’s not enough to say “just believe.” There has to be more, and a lot of times, when we start questioning and searching for me, we find life far beyond what church can give us. It’s the reality of life today – a lot of us are finding faith and spirituality outside of a traditional church environment, and are realizing morality comes from within, not from a higher power.
Thanks for your great comment, Stevie! This is something I definitely want to dive deeper into in the coming months. It’s such an interesting subject to talk about, but a tricky one, too.
Thanks for sharing this with us! I am glad you’ve gotten somewhere where you realize how you want to live, and what your relationship with God is. And that you know you shouldn’t feel guilty for so many things in life.
Such a great post. I was not raised religious at all and other than going to Sunday School when I was little I have only gone to church a handful of times in my life. It’s shocking to me how people who are Christian can rally around Donald Trump, be against immigration, be pro-life but not pro ALL life (refugees for example) and be against gay marriage.
I am a ‘you do you’ type of person so have no problem if others want to practice whatever religion they want but I have a BIG problem with them trying to push their views on other people.
I totally agree! I think it’s fine to believe in whatever you believe in. I don’t think it’s fine to push your beliefs on other people or to hide behind it to justify actions that malign others.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing this and for being so honest and candid about your journey with your faith. I didn’t grow up Christian and have always struggled with a lot of things you mention here – how can you praise Jesus and then condemn people in a way that he never would have? It’s always frustrated me and, to be honest, I had a pretty awful opinion of Christianity in general until I went to college and took some incredible classes that really opened my eyes to the foundations of the religion, how it grew and changed and then I realized my issue wasn’t with the faith, but with the followers.
Yes, agreed. I think my main beef is with Christians who hide behind religion to malign others, as well as just this overwhelming guilt that is so prevalent in religion. I don’t want my moral compass to come from my faith, I want it to come from within. I know many people take comfort in faith, but it hasn’t been the most positive experience for me, and I’m just glad I have been able to take the time to truly question what I believe and what I want from my faith journey going forward.
As always, I am catching up on commenting, though I read this post shortly after you first posted it. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and honesty around this – I am sure controversial – topic, but I love that you were able to take a step and examine your upbringing in church in such a mature way.
I grew up Catholic, but when I say that, I want to emphasize that religion in Germany is very different from what I’ve experienced around religion in the States.
Yes, we were part of the church, I had my first communion, I attended a church youth group for years, but there was hardly any religious indoctrination. For me, it was more for the community, much less for bible studying (actually, we didn’t have that), prayers or church services. I definitely did not go to church every Sunday and there was no judgement around having relationships (and sex!) before marriage, homosexuality, or arbortion. Well, obviously the Catholic church doesn’t believe in it, but I have never experienced condemnation for believing differently.
Religion exists, but it doesn’t play a huge, overpowering role in the collective mindset in Germany. It’s more of a tradition. It’s hard for me to explain this.
Anyway, all this to say, I am proud of you for breaking away and finding your own faith in the process. Not everything is black and white. There are good parts and bad parts about religion and I believe that everyone must find their own faith. I have moved away from faith, if I ever really had any, and would call myself an atheist. I support was Stevie said earlier ” I believe in being a good human being because that’s the moral thing to do (and I don’t subscribe to the idea that morality comes to us from some higher power).”
Your comment makes me think that it would be seriously interesting to read a blog post about your religious upbringing in Germany, because it seems similar yet so different from America. It’s really crazy how much people bring religion to the forefront of politics and everyday life, when we should all be striving to be good people no matter what and allowing people to live the way they want to live, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.