I’m 31 and not sure if I want to have children. There are days when I long for babies and feel like something essential is missing from my life. My children are missing. And then there are days when I can’t fathom being a mother and feel like there is nothing I want less than to have children tugging on me. I wonder which side of me is the true side. Do I long for motherhood because I’ve been socially conditioned for it? Or am I trying to protect my heart from the possibility of never having children by telling myself I don’t want them?
***
I had a conversation with a friend recently where she wondered about women who say they don’t have any desire for motherhood. She couldn’t wrap her mind around that thought. Are these women just lying to themselves? How does a woman just not want to have children? Isn’t it ingrained in our psyche to want them?
I don’t think my friend meant any malice by this. I think she was genuinely baffled by it, as someone who deeply desires motherhood for herself. Even so, I left that conversation feeling a mix of emotions and I haven’t been able to get our discussion out of my head.
I didn’t tell her about my apprehension toward motherhood then. I always find it hard to give my opinion when someone is arguing strongly about a point. I’m an Enneagram 9 through and through, which means I always take the path of least resistance to maintain the peace. But what I wanted to tell her was that I’m not sure I want kids for myself and that I don’t think I’m lying to myself when I say that. I don’t think any “childless by choice” woman is lying to herself. In fact, I think these women are being their truest selves.
***
I worked in a daycare throughout college. At first, I worked there because I was getting an education degree and thought it would be a good experience. And then, after I changed my major to journalism, I found a job at a different daycare because the hours were perfect for my schedule and I never had to work weekends.
Before working in a daycare, I was pretty much convinced I’d be a mother. In fact, I imagined having a big family. At least three kids, maybe four. Daycare threw me for a loop. It was there I learned how needy children are, how exhausting. I left every shift tired to the bone and not sure how these parents did it. Working all day and parenting all night. This is when I started questioning if I wanted kids.
Working at a daycare is really great birth control, you guys.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved the children at the daycare. I still think of them fondly. But I found myself wondering constantly what I was doing there. I didn’t enjoy these kids as much as the other teachers did. They were whiny and needy and overwhelming and way too silly at times. They were also cute and precocious and hilarious and smart, of course. But it felt like there was a wall up between me and the kids. I wasn’t as silly as some of the teachers or as friendly as others. I preferred the days when I could hide away in the kitchen, making breakfast and lunch. I found playing with the kids tedious and doing art projects chaotic. I just don’t have that natural ability to be around kids and enjoy their silliness. I know this doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy motherhood – lots of mothers are like me but thoroughly delight in their own children. It’s just another mark in the con column for me.
***
In the book, Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids, many of the writers talk about the main reason for not having children is that they want to be able to do what they want, when they want. They want to travel and grow their careers and not be limited by family. I get that, I do. But that’s not why I’m on the fence about children myself. I’m mostly concerned that I wouldn’t enjoy motherhood very much.
I worry about the tedium of it all and the exhaustion and never having time to myself. I’m used to having lots of alone time right now. I’m used to slow mornings and evenings, lazy weekends, and making a schedule that’s my own. I’ve followed women online who seem to have the same sensibilities as me, and these women are honest about the struggle of motherhood. The messy parts. I’m glad they are opening up about what motherhood truly looks like for them, but from this outsider’s perspective, it seems that they don’t particularly enjoy motherhood all that much. It makes me question if it’s a life I want for myself. I don’t know if I desire motherhood so strongly that I’m willing to put up with the messiness of it for the beauty.
Also, can we talk about how I’m an incredibly anxious person who constantly worries about something bad happening to my loved ones? I don’t know how I’d survive it with my own flesh and blood, a tiny human I made. How could I let her ever go anywhere without me? The world is a scary place. My Lexapro prescription would need an upgrade.
***
This past weekend, I visited my younger nephew at the summer camp he attended, which was filled with young kids, three and four-year-olds. I’m at the age where being around children should make me desire to have babies of my own, but all I could think about while I was there was how happy I was to be childless and be able to go home to my quiet apartment with my cats. I felt nothing but ambivalence when I looked at these children, not any sort of desire to be a regular young mom picking up my kid.
And look, I know it is different when it’s your own children. It’s different with my nephews whom I greatly adore and love spending time with. And that’s what keeps me on this weird tug-of-war between wanting kids and not wanting kids. Because I know the tedium and exhaustion would be worth it when they’re my own children. I know I will delight in them and be completely obsessed with everything they do. I know I will take joy in the messy parts because they’re mine and I get to be their mom. And I also believe I would be a good mom. I’m a natural nurturer, I’m affectionate with the ones I love, and I love deeply. (Plus, I have the best mom in the world as my role model!)
***
I’m not sure where I fall on the topic of motherhood, quite frankly. I do know that I would never attempt parenting on my own, so it’s all really a moot point unless I find someone I want to spend my life with. (And the way my love life is going… well…) Should I find someone and he desires children, I’d probably seriously consider having a baby. Never say never, you know? But I also don’t feel like I need children to make my life complete – just as I don’t need a partner. I’m really happy being 31 and childless with no plans for children anytime in the near future.
Maybe I’ll hear that biological clock start ticking in the next few years as my mid-thirties draw closer and closer. But for now, it’s quiet and I like it that way.
I feel like I need a disclaimer of sorts here. I am in no way disparaging mothers or those who desire motherhood. You are the lifeblood of our society and I deeply respect the work you do every day for your children and your family. And my heart is with those who long for children and are still waiting. These are simply my thoughts on motherhood for me. I may look back on this post in a few years and laugh about how wrong I was. I may not. But I wanted to begin a discussion about the weird dichotomy between wanting children and not wanting them. I think a lot of us are more unsure about it than we let on. <3
I don’t think you needed that disclaimer at all! This post was very well thought-out and respectful. I think anyone can see you’re happy where you are now and unsure what the future will bring (whether it has kids or not).
I am glad you’re writing about this. I saw you mentioned that book and it piqued my interest because we don’t have kids and don’t plan to, and I am always looking for ideas on how to articulate that, in case I need to.
It’s great that you have friends similar to you and you can see how having children has been a struggle in certain parts of their lives (free time! ALONE time!) but also a complete joy in other ways. It’s great to get that idea now and have those frank conversations with friends about the struggles. I’m so glad this conversation is happening now about how hard parenthood is so moms and dads don’t feel like they have to just soldier on any more – it looks so hard and I can’t imagine doing it!
But it is touchy… like your feeling to be mum when your friend could not understand people not having the desire to have children (I have never felt that…). Not wanting children is not an attack or even commentary on people who do. It’s just different people living different lives! (which is the source of so many conflicts, sadly). I say we all support one another 🙂
Two of my closest friends do not want kids. They’re both married, so they get a lot of criticism and questioning from people but it’s ridiculous! I will always support their decision. I’m not sure why society dictates that we MUST have children. Not everyone wants them and it’s perfectly okay!
You already know that the two of us are like peas in a pod when it comes to our personalities, and everything you wrote here describes my personal struggles with motherhood. I am not a fan of kids in general and their noise and chaos. Of course, like you said though, I feel differently about my OWN kids though, because they’re mine.
I believe you can have a perfectly wonderful and fulfilling life whether you have kids or not. I will always respect and understand any decision you make. <3 Though I love my kids and would never regret then, sometimes I envy your quiet life!
I don’t think you need that disclaimer – you wrote about the topic very sensitively and it’s clear you are interrogating your own desires, not those of others!
And I have to say… I feel like I could have written this, word for word (well, except that I never worked at a daycare) (well, and also I was very firmly AGAINST kids for a very long time). I hope that it goes without saying that I love my daughter more than life itself and now that she is in the world, I cannot imagine a world without her. She makes the universe brighter, just by existing. But I think that she is such a shining star of a person in spite of me. I constantly question whether I am doing the right thing by her. I feel wholly unsuited for motherhood. Having a baby was something I wanted dearly — something I felt compelled to do — and I wouldn’t change it. But it’s a rollercoaster of anxiety and joy and self-doubt and fun and constant low-level (punctuated by high-level) fear that something bad will happen to her or I’ll screw up in some irredeemable way. Parenthood is also challenging in ways I didn’t expect. I am constantly working to be better — more patient, less rigid. I have to return, time and again, to my own beliefs about… so many things, and really inspect why I believe those things, where my fears and reactions come from. And it’s hard, painful work.
This is not to say that you should or should not have kids. That’s something only you and your partner can decide. And I believe with all my heart that you can have a wonderful, happy, fulfilling life either way. But one thing about having kids that I didn’t fully understand, or consider, I think, is that, fundamentally, my personality has remained the same. There was no magic switch that made my anxiety disappear or made me a more patient person. It’s like any other relationship in that it requires constant, hard work. Often deeply satisfying work, but really hard.
And at the end of it, if I do a decent job, she will walk away from me. She will start her own life without me in it. That’s the goal and the point, and the prospect makes me so dreadfully sad.
UGH perhaps I shouldn’t respond to blog posts when I have had so little sleep!!!!
Thank you for this post! I’m 31, and married, and my husband and I do often go back and forth on whether to have children. I’ve landed on the idea of having one child, which a lot of people also seem to think is selfish as well, but the chaos, expense and craziness of multiple children just seems… totally not fun or enjoyable to me. But at the same time family is really important to me and thats one reason I do want a child at all. I also think my husband and I are both HSPs and some of what I’ve read is that HSPs can struggle with parenthood, so fewer children and really making sure caretaking is balanced and everyone gets their “alone time” is really important. Anyway thank you for tackling this tough topic, it is so nice to know others are ambivalent like me.
I have SO MANY FEELINGS about this. I am 36, newly married, and not having kids. Like you, I used to wait and hope and think that eventually, I’d want kids SO BADLY but I just didn’t, and never have, and honestly now, I feel super strongly the opposite way. I think that sometimes women feel pressure to have kids — that we are often taught that marriage and kids are the only thing, that we won’t know love until we achieve those goals. In reality, I love and value my childless life so much. I love to sleep and have a house that is tidy and do whatever the heck I feel like doing at any point. I love my wife and I look forward to traveling together, and having a long life of adventures and many boring nights. As a teacher and Auntie Extraordinaire, I love kids and get my fill. I judged myself for years because I thought I was broken but then I realized: I JUST DO NOT WANT KIDS, and that is TOTALLY FINE. I feel immense peace about my choice and love my friends’ kids from afar.
I also do not think you needed that disclaimer! I appreciate your honesty – it can be hard to express a view that is different from the majority. But the decision to have kids should not be taken lightly and is not something people should feel like they HAVE to or SHOULD do. That is the wrong reason to become a parent. It’s definitely the hardest job I’ve ever had but also super rewarding and fulfilling.
I am one of those people who always wanted to have kids and was worried I wouldn’t get the opportunity to. I worked through that with a therapist in my 20s and she gave me the advice of flexing that maternal muscle with my nephews and nieces. So I really focused on my relationships with them when I was single and it was a great outlet for me. When we got married, we had already had conversations about having children and we knew we wanted to but I definitely wanted it way more than Phil. Had I decided I didn’t want kids, he would have been ok with that, too. But we both do enjoy being parents. That said, it is really hard and tiring at times and the days can be long on the weekend, especially if it’s raining or too cold to go outside. Social media is kind of a double-edged sword because a lot of people paint this rosy, unrealistic picture of life with kids, but I’m also friends with people who are honest about the challenges. I need that kind of honesty because there are hard days and it’s nice to know I’m not alone!
I think the important thing is that you’ve gotten to a place where you are really happy with your life. Meeting someone would be the icing on the cake. And then when you meet that person, you can decide as a couple whether you want to have children. Your thoughts about having a child might change when you meet your partner – or they could stay the same. Time will tell!
It’s such a tough decision and not black and white at all and I really appreciate your honesty on the subject. I actually said for a long time that I didn’t want kids but then suddenly I did and I went through A LOT to have one. I would argue that, for me anyways, having one kid is not that different from having no kids. The first year was tough, but now that she’s older and has a more regular routine and schedule, sleeps better etc. it’s really not THAT different from my life before. We still do a lot of the things we enjoy and I still feel like I have quite a bit of time for my own hobbies and etc. Now 2 is a game changer I’ve heard. Apparently it’s not double the work but quadruple, ha. I go back and forth between sticking with 1 or having 2. Ultimately, I will try to have a second but since it’s not easy for me, if we end up with just one child I will be totally OK with that too and use the opportunity of having less expenses, chaos etc. to deal with to travel more with her and do more adventures.
Isn’t it funny how as we get older we really start to realize how NOT black and white things are and how we can have multiple feelings and emotions about all different topics and that’s actually normal and fine? But I grew up thinking you had to think or be a certain way so sometimes it’s hard for me to accept my wavering thoughts on things.
I appreciate your honesty, Stephany. It’s hard to live in a world where, while it’s more common now for women not to have kids, it’s still kinda expected.
There are a gazillion reasons why women don’t have kids and most of the time, we don’t know them. We speculate and (sometimes) judge, but really, we don’t know other people’s circumstances.
Funny, I always thought I’d have kids, but then, it didn’t happen (and I think we might be past the point now).. I didn’t make the conscious decision NOT to have kids, but I also obviously didn’t make sure I had one (or many) in my 30’s (again, for a gazillion reasons!) and I am not unhappy about it.
I have had many of the same thoughts that you shared over the years and I think there is nothing wrong about it. I know, some women know they’ll be mothers from a young age, but I think more often than not, circumstances dictate how strong the wish to become a mother is.
I love kids and love being around my niece and nephew (not as much as I’d like, but still…) but I often think that having my own kids would have complicated things A LOT in my 30’s.
If you found yourself in a loving, supportive relationship with a guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with and he wanted kids, you might know your answer in an instant. Or, you are all of a sudden totally ok with NOT having kids. I think there is no right or wrong answer.
I am SO GLAD you wrote this and started this wonderful conversation with such a diverse and supportive group of readers / commenters. I think this is such a personal decision – and one that evolves over one’s life.
I always thought I’d have kids.
Then I couldn’t.
And now? I can’t imagine being a mother.
I would not have been a good mother, for many reasons.
My life would have been different , absolutely, but I cannot say it would have been *better* than the life I have.
So I take what happened…
…and then what I chose…
and I embrace that.
I think that’s all we can ask of ourselves.
It will be interesting for you to revisit this in 5 years! I wonder where you will be then?