When you’re single, people want to know all about your dating life. They want to know if you’re “putting yourself out there” and “keeping yourself open to love.” I remember witnessing an exchange between a good friend and one of her (married) friends, and the married friend was admonishing my friend that she wasn’t trying hard enough when it came to dating. She needed to try harder because… well, because why? Because the only goal in life is to get married? Because the only way a person can be happy is to be in a relationship?
It’s an exchange that always stuck with me, mainly because I don’t have people in my life who pressure me when it comes to dating. My mom isn’t making snide comments about my chronic singleness and how she “wishes she could have more grandbabies.” (This is probably the only time her getting married too young to a guy who didn’t treat her right works in my favor.) My friends are happy to listen to my dating stories, but don’t make me feel bad for being 30 and single… or when I was 29 and single or 28 and single or 27 and single, and so on.
When I was thinking about giving up online dating for the entirety of 2018, I made a poll on InstaStories about it. Honestly, I thought I’d get 100% of responses that “Yeah, girl, give up the dating apps!” but I didn’t. It was around 70%, which is still the vast majority of my friends, but I was curious about the 30% who thought giving up the apps was a bad idea. (Of course, after I published the poll, I realized I didn’t word it well, so it’s possible that people thought they were voting for the first option. Oops.) Even still, I received some messages about my giving up online dating that made me realize that people really believe that my worth as a human is directly linked to whether or not I’m dating.
It’s as if people don’t realize that single people can genuinely be happy on their own. We must be on the dating circuit or else… what are we even doing with our life? Do we realize that we’re not getting any younger and our pool of available partners shrinks with each passing year?
The truth is, I haven’t found any sort of happiness in dating for the past few years. It’s not fun for me to go on dates and get my hopes up, only to find them dashed by a guy who is much less interesting in person or who ghosts on me right after that first date. It’s not fun to message with guy after guy after guy and have to try so hard to keep up conversation because, news flash, most guys are actually terrible at communication. I can’t tell you how many conversations have stalled because the guy doesn’t ask follow-up questions or gives me few-word answers. It’s not fun to worry about the physical aspect of dating and what I’m going to feel like I have to do in order to keep his attention and not make him think I’m a prude or a tease. If we make out in his car, does that give him license to shove his hand down my pants? (The answer is no, of course, but that doesn’t mean that the guy won’t think I’m a tease and thus, not worth his time.)
Dating is fucking exhausting, is what I’m saying. I was talking about this with a few friends, one of which is on the dating circuit like me and she’s an extrovert who has no problem meeting new people and making friends, and even she acknowledged how exhausting online dating can be. It’s a neverending quest of swiping and messaging and first dates and first kisses and texting and hopefulness and heartbreak.
It’s too much for me. I need a break. And so, I’m stepping away from the online dating world for all of 2018.
And you know what? It feels AMAZING. I feel a sense of peace and relief that I don’t have to worry about online dating this year. There’s always been this level of pressure to make sure I spent time every day to check in on my dating apps, swiping and responding to messages, and if I went a few days without checking in, I felt as if I was not trying hard enough with my dating life. As if all my opportunities were going to pass me by and I’d just be alone for the rest of my life.
But that’s not true. I firmly believe in the statement, “What is meant for me will never miss me,” which means that if I was meant to find love through online dating this year, I wouldn’t feel the peace that I felt when I deleted my dating apps. And since I did have that peace, it means this was exactly the right decision for me.
This doesn’t mean I’m not dating in 2018. I’ve told all of my friends that I am happy to be set up by them and I’m keeping my heart open for something to happen organically. But I’ve deactivated all of my online dating profiles and I’m not wasting my time on them this year.
I’m entering 2018 with zero expectations for my dating life. I may end up finding love this year, and I would be undeniably happy for that to happen because I would like to have romantic love in my life. I will also be 100 percent okay if this year passes with no dates and no romance. I just want to live my life without the pressure of online dating. My life is not made better by dating; it is made better by investing in my family and friends, by reading great books, by spin classes and naps, by long walks with podcasts, by traveling, by snuggling with my dog, by writing and Netflix and football. It is made better just by living and being.
The truth is, I am really happy being single. I love having as much alone time as I want. I love making my own schedule and not having to worry about anyone else. And, honestly, I’m the sole caretaker for a special needs dog and he requires a lot of time and attention. The logistics of dating are really difficult when my entire world is taken up with Dutch’s care. However, as happy as I am in my singleness, it’s not all roses. The green monster of jealousy rears its ugly head when I see engagement announcements and cute couple photos, which tells me that I do want romance for myself one day. But I’m also not rushing it. It will happen when it’s meant to happen.
And for now? Now, I’ll just enjoy life on my own. A life where I get to read and nap as much as I want.
This is awesome! I didn’t see your poll on IG stories, but I think that it is 100% up to how it makes you feel. Sounds like you are listening to your intuition while still keeping yourself open!
Thanks, Kathleen! I think online dating can be a great way for introverts to start dating because it’s so much less pressure than having to talk to people at a party or a bar, but it can also be completely draining and a lot of people aren’t really looking for relationships. I think taking a break will be good for my soul this year and perhaps next year I’ll feel ready to dive back into the water.
I took a long break from online dating because I also did not think it was ‘fun’. It was just plain exhausting and so time-consuming. And it was disappointing. I felt like some of my married friends sort of romanticized what it was like to be single and dating. They thought it sounded exciting and loved to hear about it but I did not find it exciting and I kind of hated talking about it. So I gave up on it for quite a while and then in 2012 I told my friends that I would see if I could meet someone organically and if it didn’t happen by September then we would have a profile-writing party and I would get back online. I didn’t end up meeting anyone that summer but I had a wonderful summer. It was great to not have the pressure of dating. Then in September 2 friends helped me write my profile for OKCupid and I went on some dates. Around that time, though, I got set up with Phil and I had 2 other people off to set me up. It was so weird. It was like the universe was telling me this was the time to get back into dating. I went on a blind date with Phil the first week of October and when I got home, I deactivated my OKCupid profile because I knew this guy was special and that we really clicked. And that was the end of online dating for me. Of course my story with Phil is not all sunshine and roses as I got relocated in 2013 and he lost his dad that year so we both had tough years where we needed to focus on ourselves. But we always stayed in touch and then we rekindled our romance when I moved back. I waited A LONG TIME for him. But it all worked out for the best and he was totally worth the wait! I know some people can and do find love online but it’s not for everyone! So good for you for recognizing that you needed to take this year off and just focus on having fun and enjoying your single status! The fact that you have so much peace about this decision shows that you made the right one, regardless of what that poll said! (I voted that you take the year off from dating!).
Your love story with Phil gives me such hope for my own one day! All it takes is to meet that one person, and I don’t think that means I have to go on a bunch of lackluster dates to find him. I think it’s better to focus on myself and building a life that makes me happy, partner or not, than it is to spend all my time swiping in dating apps and putting myself out there like that. I’d love for it to happen organically, too. I am just going to enjoy this year in my singleness and not spend it worrying that I’m not doing “enough” to find love.
I loved being single. I loved my life on my own and was so damn happy. I think it’s good to take a break and do what’s going to work for you. Cheers to listening to yourself. Soak up this time. I always looked at it like I was either REALLY enjoying a season prior to being in a relationship OR building a life I love and enjoy and either way was fine with me and made me really happy. Enjoy it.
I love that mindset and that’s what I’m trying to focus on this year: mostly building a life I love that may or may not include a partner. I’m open to something happening organically, but mostly, I just want to figure out exactly what I want from this life if I’m going to spend it single.
Love this confidence and inner peace with yourself! When I was single, I felt the opposite, and I I wish I hadn’t. I felt that cliche feeling of “my worth is tied up to my dating status.” Ugh. It’s awful that we feel like that so often. I wish I could nap and read whenever I wanted… that is awesome!
Yep – that’s definitely not something I want to feel during this season of my life. Because my life is worthy no matter if I’m dating, married, divorced, or single. My story matters always. <3 I'm sorry singleness was such a trying time for you.
Hey Steph!
I promise I still come by and read your little space even if I don’t have the time to comment like I used to 🙂
I felt like I should comment as one of the people who messaged you to keep your heart open to online dating if it ever feels like something you wanted to try again. I was also a really happy single lady for a really really long time and wasn’t even looking for a relationship when I found one. And even today as someone in a long distance relationship, I maintain so much of my single independence which has been super important to me because I love my life and myself on my own, most importantly. You know it’s funny because looking back on all my single years now I don’t regret it one bit. I loved getting to know myself without the pressure or trying to be someone in a relationship. And now I feel that I know myself so well and can do things totally on my own so my self worth is 100% of my own building. So enjoy being single if that’s what you need right now!
But I do maintain that I’d you decide in 6 months you’d like to reopen a dating profile- then you should 🙂 online dating is filled with a LOT of losers, guys who will ghost you, not respond, etc, but the real world is filled with those same guys. I met my boyfriend online despite being firmly against online dating for YEARS. He hated online dating and was just trying it out to try and get himself back out there. I was in the same situation. It was pure fluke and I believe like you that if something is meant to be it won’t miss me. So enjoy dating or not dating however you like 🙂 but I would like to add that just because someone recommends to you to keep an online dating profile, it certainly doesn’t automatically mean I’ve tied my self worth to dating or to my relationship. Ive been exactly where you have, and sometimes even feel that’s still who I am in a relationship because I am always going to be a priority for myself 🙂
Anyway this was a super long comment- sorry! I’m always here to talk if you ever need 🙂 you do you girl.
<3
I definitely understand where you’re coming from, but I think it’s important to be aware of the power of words. Saying things like “keep your heart open” and “don’t give up on dating” can make someone feel as if their self-worth is tied to their dating life. It honestly surprised me that not everyone thought that giving up online dating was a good idea. I think there’s this harmful message in this society that if we’re not constantly striving for a romantic partnership, then we’re not going to be happy and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m open to love happening organically. This year, I’m just stepping away from the apps. And that’s okay.
I love this post! I think it’s a great idea to step away from online dating since you are finding it really unfulfilling right now. It will always be there and you can always go back to it at a later time. For now you should focus on you!
Thanks, Amber! I think that’s the key: online dating has been incredibly unfulfilling for me and I just don’t want to have to worry about it right now. There’s something freeing about knowing I can just live my life without being tied to my dating apps.
While I haven’t been single since I was 16 (ha!), I think I would have loved being single for a while. I am really glad I found my husband before social media and online dating REALLY took off because I don’t think that it would have been for me… so I really understand that you’re tired of all the “work” that you had to put into online dating and that you decided to just let things unfold “naturally” this year… maybe you’ll find someone randomly, maybe you don’t, but at least you’re not putting any pressure on yourself (which I think is ALWAYS the right approach).
Thanks, San! It’s tough out there in the dating world and I’m very glad you don’t have to deal with the craziness. Being single definitely has its perks, but I’d much rather have my person by my side.
I love this so much! I think the relief you felt after making your decision is a great sign that this is a great idea for you this year. It’s so frustrating to have our value weighed by our relationship status, and even when I was married, people were always asking when I was going to have children, as if I wasn’t a good enough woman because I didn’t want to be a mother. It’s frustrating and crappy and I’m so glad you’re doing what you want to do and taking a break from the whole online dating thing. Cheers!
Oh, I can only imagine all the questions married people get about kids. I know friends who are engaged who are already getting the baby questions! It’s crazy. I’m grateful that I don’t have people in my life who make me feel bad about my single status; I think it would be a lot harder to be happy with my singleness if that weren’t the case.
Hi,
I just stumbled on this website right now and am going through the same feelings. Online dating is making me more miserable than ever, but yet I won’t take down my profile. But Indo feel like Inhave to step away from it a bit and not have it in my head that zi need to find someone immediately. I was wonderingbzstephany-how is it going for you? Did you try online dating again, or perhaps meet someone IRL?