After my QLC post a week ago, some of the comments got the wheels churning in my head. Everyone had great comments of support and love and seriously, you guys are the greatest. But there were also some really good points made by friends older than me, who understand this life thing a little better than I do. There were a few comments expressing concern over putting too much self-worth into my career. At first, I scoffed, thinking they missed the whole point of my post. But as I settled down and thought about it more, I realized the reason I was feeling so defensive about that was that I am doing that. I’m still pretty much a baby to this career thing. I’ve only been out of college a year and I’m in my first post-collegiate job. And as awesome as the blogging community is, it can also be a detriment to those of us who play the comparison game. Some of you are just simply dominating in all areas of your life. In your career. In your relationships. In your health goals. In your financial goals. Some of you are tackling big, huge, monstrous goals that I can’t even begin to fathom and I look at my life and feel inferior. I look at the little things I have accomplished and wonder why I can’t be like this blogger who is so settled in who she is and is checking off life goals like it’s candy. Or I see that blogger who realizes she’s not happy with where she is and takes a huge leap of faith in finding herself somewhere else.
I am not dominating.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And isn’t that what we’re doing when we allow ourselves to play the comparison game? When we allow the Jealousy Monster to rear its head whenever we hear of another engagement or pregnancy or fantastic new job? We feel inferior because we allow it. Instead of celebrating a friend’s success, we wonder why it wasn’t us. Or at least I do.
Inferior (adj.): of little or less importance, value, or merit.
Ouch.
I am allowing this. Because I don’t feel as if I’m dominating in the romance department or the career department or the fitness department, I feel of little importance. I feel of little value. In short, I feel unworthy. And when good things happen to me, I can never fully let go and celebrate it. I am waiting on the next shoe to drop. I am brushing off my success. Even as it relates to my sugar-free challenge, I look at those 6 pounds lost and think, I could have done so much better.
Here’s the thing, though: self-worth is not something we earn. We can fill our lives up with all sorts of things to grasp worthiness or superiority but the fact of the matter is that if we look to outside means to fill that gap, we will never fully grasp it. We will continuously chase after goals and dreams to find ourselves in what we do. And when we fail – and we will – it crushes our spirit.
I have this fear that I’m not destined for anything amazing. It’s a silly fear, but when I was watching the introduction for Fierce Love and I was asked to write down some of my fears, that was at the top of the list. Am I amazing? What makes someone amazing? Do I even have what it takes to be amazing? It’s scary to think about. And it becomes so disgustingly easy to write off your successes when you compare them to someone else’s.
How many times can I say it? It’s something I need to pound into my brain:
We will not find self-worth in what we do.
You can chase after however many career goals you want. You can try to find worthiness in your fitness ability or your travel experiences or how many nice things you own. You can chase after worthiness by setting huge goals and achieving them.
But what happens when you get passed over for a promotion at work?
What happens when you try your very best… and you still don’t reach your goal?
We are worthy simply because we are.
We don’t have to chase after worthiness. That’s the kicker. That’s what I need to learn. That’s what I need to embrace. I am worthy and amazing because of who I am. The moment God breathed life into my body, I became amazing. I’m not saying we shouldn’t chase after goals and career aspirations, but I’m saying trying to find out self-worth in those things is a fruitless, exhausting battle.
I tried it in chasing after society’s expectations for a girl my age, in trying to please my father, in judging others.
I always come up short.
I’m exhausted.
I’m done.
I can’t do it anymore.
I am worthy. Not because of what I have done. Not because of what I will do in the future. But because I am. Because God has made me worthy. And if the God of the Universe thinks I’m the bee’s knees, who am I to tell Him He’s wrong?
That’s an amazing way to look at it, Steph. I struggle with these feelings too, but only necause my mom puts so much emphasis on it that it rubs off on how I perceive my self-worth, something that makes me bitter towards her. I’ve wanted my whole life to figure things out for myself and to determine ny own self-worth while she’s out looking for jobs for me to apply to after I graduate. I’d really just like to tell her to back off and give me some space, but how do you say that to your mother? Anyway, I loved this post, however I didn’t get to see the QLC post. When I went to go read it it said it was password protected.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that with your mother. I am so blessed to have a mom who believes in me and backs me 100%, no matter what. But I also had a father who was the opposite and who I could never measure up to. So I can understand where you’re coming from. And it sucks. I hope you’re able to establish your own independence soon! But always remember: you’re worth it. Always. No matter what happens to you or how you react to things. <3
You should read: “A confident heart” by renee swope. My small group just read it and it tackles a lot of this stuff. Nothing can separate you from God’s love. Your self worth comes from Him.<3Karen
Exactly. It’s something I’m learning through my Bible study right now and where some of this post comes from. 🙂 It’s pretty amazing and freeing when you let yourself think about it!
The real detriment to the blogging community is the fact that blogs are not the whole story. They are the story that we choose to present to others. Yes, some people might have nailed it on the job front, or the relationship front, or the friend front. But there is RARELY a person who is not trying to improve their life in some way. You really don’t know how much work, sacrifice and sleepless nights went into whatever big success someone is announcing. It’s rarely as easy as it looks. But we don’t see that. We don’t know the nitty-gritty details.
The problem with Jealousy is that we’re jealous of the End Result. I don’t think many of us would be jealous of the blood, sweat and tears that it took to get there.
I completely agree with you! You never get the full picture with people and I know that the people I look at as “getting it”, would tell me how wrong I was and how much more they want out of life. And some people HAVE worked hard to get where they are and it’s admirable. But it’s when I take that admiration I feel and use it as comparison of how I’m not living up to a standard I give myself, that’s when the problems happen. That’s when I start deriving my self-worth from places I will never find it.
“And if the God of the Universe thinks I’m the bee’s knees, who am I to tell Him He’s wrong?”
This. This sentence means that you’re getting it, that it’s not going to be easy, but you’re going to be fine. I feel inferior all the time because I don’t have my own place or I’m not going on some lovely trip, but that’s okay because God has a bigger picture for me and I’m not going to interrupt His plan.
You are totally worthy, a lot more worthy than some people. Just keep that in mind.
Ah, but isn’t that just it? We are ALL worthy, no matter what. Nobody has more worth than someone else. I think that’s when things get twisted. When we believe others are more worthy than we are. We all have our own worth and we all have to BELIEVE in that worth.
You are just as worthy as I am. <3
One of my favorite quotes that I try and keep in mind is from Steven Furtick. He said, “One of the reasons we struggle with insecurity so much is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” Since I stopped writing really personal posts, I’m reminded so much more often that people only know what you put out there, especially if they aren’t an active part of your “behind-the-scenes.” If that’s true of my life, I try to remember it’s true of others too. Regarding being meant for something amazing, you might check out the book Extraordinary by John Bevere. We did a study on it a couple years ago and it was great!
That quote is SO true. Absolutely. I know I do it and I’m sure I’m not alone. That’s why the comparison trap is so tricky!
First of all, I relate to this post a lot. A WHOLE LOT. It’s so easy to look at what others are doing and feel inferior. I get defensive and jealous and mean when I feel that way, and it’s ugly. But I understand.
I wish there was some secret formula for figuring this stuff out. It’s not easy to get out of talking negatively to yourself.
But Steph, you’re right…you are worthy. This post is amazing.
Thanks, Amy. The first step in anything is acknowledging it, right? 🙂 I’m so bad at playing the comparison game and it’s so detrimental to our mental health. We all have our own paths to walk on and we need to start believing in our own self-worth. Self-worth comes from within, not from being the best at anything.
It’s funny how we can logically know we’re worthy just for being, but it’s much harder to FEEL it.
You are worthy. 🙂
It is so easy to write those words but to believe in them? That’s a whole other story!
I UNDERSTAND THIS SO MUCH. This is such a problem I have- comparing myself to other people, and more recently bloggers- and I feel like this is such a big reason that I lack motivation in my every day life with school, work, etc. I see other people having these awesome, successful lives, doing the things I want to be doing NOW and not in 3 years from now, and I’m still stuck studying and doing all this boring stuff. It’s such a crappy feeling to see other people successfully living their lives while you’re stuck in an unhappy place. But the truth is it’s NOT an unhappy place, it’s just a DIFFERENT place. I often have to remind myself of this, and I wish it’s something I just knew.
I’m so happy to see you writing posts like this because I think it’s an important reminder to all of us that we ARE worthy in everything we do, even if it doesn’t always compare to everyone else.
Great post, as always, Steph! 🙂
I remember feeling the same way you did when I was in school. I felt so stagnant, because I was tied down to this timeline of getting my degree. I don’t feel that way anymore, but I never realized this path to understanding who I am would happen AFTER graduation. I feel like I’m on the precipice of discovering myself and what I really want out of life.
I love the line: “But the truth is it’s NOT an unhappy place, it’s just a DIFFERENT place.” Isn’t that the truth? We believe it MUST be unhappy since we’re looking at other people’s lives and seeing their successes and comparing them to ours. But maybe it’s not. It’s just a different place. It’s a different path. It doesn’t make it any less worthy.
I also just want to point out that everyone’s comments on this post are SO accurate. We don’t see all the work that goes into that person’s life, just the good bits we are jealous of, but chances are it wasn’t all that easy for THEM either. That’s important to remember!
I had the “blogger comparison” problem a year into blogging, and at some point I just realized that comparing myself to bloggers (or anyone) gets me nowhere. And I just let it go. Not only because I understood that everyone has different struggle or that they’re portraying themselves in a certain light, but because I thought: they’re not me. That’s not my life. It’s not my goal to become other people.
I know how you feel, though, absolutely. I felt completely unworthy because I was forever unemployed while everyone else around me was successfully living their lives. Employment was key; everyone asked about it, and it was awful to constantly say that I was “still looking.” It felt worse that I wasn’t even looking, but trying to figure out where exactly to start fixing my life and not knowing what to do. But you know what? Now that I have a job, I don’t feel any more or less worthy. I realized I was just looking for relief from the constant questioning and constant disappointment of telling people I was still jobless. That felt great, but getting a job didn’t suddenly make me feel Totally Awesome.
It is *really* hard to accept ourselves as we are and be happy with ourselves. It’s easy to rely on outside things – relationships, friendships, careers, hobbies – to legitimize ourselves and make us feel good. I really love this post because it’s a great realization to have and I hope you’re able to work towards accepting it more and more.
I think the problem with comparison is we become so trapped in what people think about us. It becomes this constant need for people to accept us and like us and honestly? Sometimes they won’t always like us. This is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time and I’m just know starting to come to realizations about my own self-worth and how I can only find it through my own self, not through what I can do to make others like me.
I’m glad you’ve been able to come to terms with the comparison game. It’s a slippery slope!
You are worthy! And whenever you forget it – go stand in front of a mirror and remind yourself.
Oh, I like that plan! It becomes so much more REAL when we force ourselves to look in our eyes and repeat these words of affirmation.
Your statement, “We are worthy simply because we are”, is right on. Like you say, “We don’t have to chase after worthiness.” I want you to listen to your own advice, because it is so true! It’s hard not to compare ourselves to others, but we need to stop, because that should not be what leads our happiness (or pain). We are who we are. Are you happy with yourself? I know we don’t live in a vacuum, but we need to try and block out the others around us, who seem to have it “together”, who have more money or are skinnier or have this or that or the other. Their lives should not ordain your happiness.
Exactly! Happiness has to come from within, not from extrinsic forces. And what goals other people are hitting does not mean my goals are somehow inferior. It’s so silly to think that way! We each have our own paths to take and we have to find happiness through our own journeys. Great comment!
I love this post! The blogging world is a tough place to be in, and I think we all feel our jealousies at some point. Thank you for putting into prospective. We are all worthy, and we all need to remember that 🙂
It can be so tough to be a part of this blogging world, especially when we fall prey to comparing our lives to how others are portraying theirs. It’s a slippery slope and sometimes it’s a big struggle to remain happy in who I am, regardless of the path I’m taking.
This is an awesome post. I compare myself to other bloggers, wish I could be like them, jealous of their life both on and off the internet. Heck, I even get jealous of the awesome designs and followers some people have. But then I realize that I am ME and that’s just the way that’s going to be. Sure I can change some things or strive for others, but at the end of the day I have to answer to myself and I try to live my life that way… most days =) Point is I love this and we are all worthy. Kick-butt job on writing this by the way! xo
Thanks, Nora. It’s such a hard trap not to fall into, but I’m slowly learning that I have my own path to take and even though it might not look like much, it’s still my journey and I have to take pride in my OWN accomplishments!
Great post! You are so right – we do not have to earn our worth in life. that is something that my therapist really emphasized when I was in therapy years ago. It was faith-based and she reminded me that my worth comes from God’s love for me, and he doesn’t take that way. She talked about how it’s a slippery slope when we start to put our worth in other things like our career, relationships, etc, because those things shift and change and possibly end – and then what.
You are enough! And I think taking this first step of putting it out there and saying this is a huge first step!
It is such a slippery slope when we put our worth in other things. It’s a lesson I’m learning now as I come to terms of what my worth is. It’s not dependent on anything and honestly? That’s a really freeing feeling! I am worthy because I exist, not because of anything I can do or anything I’ve done or anything I will do in the future.
Great post. I love Allison’s comment above that we never see the whole picture with blogs and that we probably wouldn’t be as jealous of others lives if we did. It’s kind of unfortunate that the society we live in seems to hide the tough stuff and only show the good. However, I will say that blog posts like this and your QLC post and a few others I’ve read in blog land are challenging that too by talking ABOUT the hard stuff and the nitty gritty stuff!
I am so glad to hear that! I really try to be honest and real on this blog, because I know how we all struggle and when bloggers hide the struggle, it can make others feel inferior. Being vulnerable is hard, but I think it’s so worthwhile and so cathartic when we do so.
This post makes me so happy because you are so true and vulnerable and discovering in it! I’m also happy you won the fierce love course – it sounds like it’s showing you how awesome you are!
I love that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt – here’s one you might find inspiring too: Comparison is the thief of joy. I actually printed that out to put in on the cover of my Joy Equation book because I struggle SO much with that in some aspects of my life.
Know that you are just starting out, and to be discovering all this now is so incredible! I hope you’ll keep us posted about what you’re discovering – I love reading these posts of yours.
I love that quote! It is so true and I see it in my own life a lot. Comparison doesn’t help us in any way and honestly? It doesn’t feel good, either. It also robs us of feeling the joy of others.
Dude, I totally thought you had stopped blogging. Glad I decided to stop by! I think your old feed must have stopped parsing. Am resubscribing now…
I’m glad you found your way back! Yay! I know a bunch of people had to resubscribe. I think, if you had my blog as “stephanywrites.blogspot.com” on Reader, my blog wasn’t updating now that I’m over on WordPress. I’m getting a lot of “Are you still blogging?!” comments. Hehe. 🙂
I loved this post, Stephany. It really spoke to me, especially when you said that others are dominating in one, if not many areas, and then when you look at yourself sometimes, you feel inferior, because you’re not doing ALL THE THINGS. But then again, to do things just because others are doing them, will not make us happy in the long run, if they’re not things that we ourselves aspire to do. It’s a tough lesson to learn and it takes time, but it’s so very important to accept oneself for who we are.
I completely agree with you! I get so jealous over what other people are accomplishing but if I really sat down and thought about it, a vast majority of those things aren’t even what I want out of my life! I am dominating in my own way. We all are! 🙂
How did I miss this post?! I saw it only because San linked to it in her most recent post. Seriously, though, Stephany, what a wonderful post. WE ARE WORTHY BECAUSE WE ARE. I love that… & I hope you hang onto it. <3
Very well written post! I can definitely identify with how you feel. The internet and the massive amounts of personal information it makes so readily available to us can definitely put a dent in our self-esteem as we compare ourselves to others. What we tend to forget is that other people already do look at YOU and envy certain things you’ve got down that they have yet to master. YOU are that amazing person to many other people, it just gets hard to realize that when you’re living the life and not observing it from another’s eyes.
I’m late to this one, but I do the same thing, so well said. And if you put me on paper, I probably sound like I have a fairly solid idea of what I am doing with myself: I am married, I own a house that has lots of fancy stuff in it, I get to put the word “senior” in my career title, I have a 401k, I am doing The Adult Stuff. But do I feel like I’ve got a hang of it? Not a BIT. Because I do the same thing – I look at people who are doing their dream careers and think.. gah, why didn’t I become the next Dian Fossey? Or I look at people like you and feel like my head has “Never Finished Her College Degree” stamped across my forehead! Etc etc, I’m rambling. But fabulous post because it does remind us, the one person whose standards we should be compared against are our own… and if I measure up to me, then I am fine. And if I don’t measure up to me, then I best get to work! 🙂