A few months ago, I answered a few questions from this questionnaire and figured today was a great day to answer a few more! To be honest, a few of these questions got very deep and personal but it felt cathartic to write about some of the events of my past. <3
1. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Oh, I would most definitely like to retain the body of a 30-year-old. My therapist told me that the newest science believes that brains continue developing into the early thirties (rather than 25, as originally thought), so I’d like to keep my fully formed brain with me, thank you very much. I’d also like the ability to make new memories and enjoy the wisdom that comes with being older and having more experiences. And wouldn’t it be amazing to be in my 80s and still have the joints and muscles of a 30-year-old? No more aches and pains! That would be a gift.
2. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
On an almost monthly basis, my body starts acting up at night. My shoulder hurts or a headache won’t go away or I pulled a muscle in my chest but it definitely feels like I’m having chest pains. On those nights, I go to sleep and think to myself, “I’m going to die in my sleep from a heart attack or stroke!!!” (Those nights, I always come so close to calling my mom and telling her I need to go to the ER immediately, but I can usually calm myself down enough to be logical about what’s happening.) Anyway, I have yet to die in my sleep from a heart attack or stroke, but apparently that’s the way my anxiety brain thinks I will die so that’s something for me to talk about in therapy, I guess.
3. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
I think I am most grateful for the relationship I have with my mom. She is truly my best friend and someone I enjoy being around more than anyone in the world. Mother/daughter relationships can be so complicated, and I think the fact that she was my primary caregiver during a time when my dad was not a stable parent in my life drew us closer together. She was dedicated to providing a stable, loving, encouraging home for my brother and me. She listened to us, she took time to hang out with us, and she never badmouthed our dad in front of us. Did I have teenage angst with her? Yes, of course. (I wrote “I Hate My Mom” on my dresser in a fit of teenage rage one day and then felt so bad about it that I covered it up with a sticker.) Was I embarrassed by her as a teen? Duh. (My brother and I asked her to park a few blocks away when we were going to this weekly church event so we could pretend that we walked there.) Was I hormonal and not able to handle my emotions very well? Yuuuup! It’s all part of the growing up process. As I got older, as I went through estrangement with my dad, as we suffered the loss of family members, we formed a tight bond. And I am so grateful to have a healthy, loving, supportive relationship with my mom. It’s the best thing in my life.
4. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
I wish I had a father who loved me. In his own way, he did love me but that love came with conditions. If I didn’t live up to his conditions, he became a bully. He berated me, shouted curses at me, and made me feel that I was unworthy of his love and attention. And that’s why I estranged myself from him in my early twenties, a decision I have not regretted since. (In fact, I am so, so proud of that young girl who dared to make that choice.) It took many years of therapy (and a handful of bad relationships where I realized I was giving everything up to make my partner happy without asking anything of them) to get to a place where I feel confident in who I am. And I know my father was the one with the problems here, not me. And damn, imagine missing out on the last 16 years of memories with your son and daughter. That’s on him.
5. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Easy: I would be able to make conversation with anyone. I wish I was friendly and outgoing, and someone who didn’t struggle to make conversation with people. But I am not that person. I always feel like I’m bothering people if I try to engage them in conversation, and I never know how to (a) start a conversation and (b) keep it going. I am always amazed at my friends who can go up to literally anyone and strike up a conversation. They don’t struggle with word retrieval or stumbling over their words or feeling dumb. Being able to conversate easily with people is such a great skill, and I wish I had it.
Do you want the body or mind of a 30-year old? What quality/ability would you like to have?
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