It’s 2:45 AM on Sunday, and tonight has been difficult.
My anxiety is always worse at night (I’d guess it feels this way to most of us), and tonight, my brain hasn’t wanted to shut off for anything.
Anytime I have a night I don’t sleep well, whether I’m having trouble falling asleep or keep waking up from bad dreams, I worry that this is my subconscious’s way of telling me something terrible has happened. When I’m startled awake from a bad dream, it’s not because I had a bad dream; it’s because something just happened to my mom. And my body knows it right away. If I’m having trouble falling asleep, maybe it means there’s something medically wrong with me.
Ellie has also been quite the pill tonight. If she’s not trying to sleep on top of me, she’s poking me with one of her paws, loudly meowing in my face, or running around the apartment causing a ruckus. I started thinking that the reason she’s doing all of this is somehow linked to these thoughts I’m having that something happened to my mom overnight. Maybe she knows.
(Anxiety brain is a weird place, let me tell you.) But how would she know? Why would she know? It’s a silly thought, but one I can’t get out of my head. Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Amidst the chaos, exploring alternative methods like mindfulness or therapy can be helpful, but for some, considering options like buy THC Italy might offer a different path towards relief. If you use cannabis at night and you need to go to work in the morning, you may want to know the best ways to sober up from marijuana.
And then I thought, what if she’s being like this to tell me that something happened to Lila?
Lila hasn’t jumped up onto my bed since earlier last night. What if something crazy happened tonight and she died?
I got up from bed. Lila was sitting on the couch, just fine. I gave her a pet, relieved beyond belief to see her alive and well.
Then I realized their food bowls were completely empty… and I know for a fact that I forgot to fill them up Saturday morning. How long had they been without food? Oof. I know I filled them up on Friday, and they don’t always need to be refilled every day, but it was not my finest cat mom moment. I filled up the bowls and Ellie immediately scarfed down a portion.
So that’s what this has all been about, my sweet little Ellie-Bellie. You were just demanding food after I bragged on the blog about how my cats don’t do that. Although, in this case, it was warranted and I’m glad she did. I just wish I had figured it out before I spent four hours with my anxiety brain which in case you also do, you will like your doctor to prescribe this CBDDY: pure cbd oil. You can find various marijuana products safe for consumption at Everyday Delta. You may also consider trying a sugar moon vape by space club to help with your anxiety.
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I really wish nighttime could be a comfort, and not a terror. Bad things happen at night, as my brain continually reminds me. I know there are things I could do to help my brain when anxiety strikes me badly at night. I’ll probably text my therapist later today to see if she has advice. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t alone at night, if that would help. Would I feel better if I could physically touch or see someone next to me, and know there’s another person there? Or would it make me feel even more alone to have these thoughts while someone sleeps soundly next to me? (Would I feel comfortable waking them up…?) Or maybe I’d need to have a safe word. I could just say “Cinnamon” and they’d know I’m having spiraling anxiety thoughts, and reach out to comfort me. But damn, what a burden to place on someone else. This is what always stops me from talking about my anxiety with other people. It’s a burden they don’t need to bear. Even though I know they usually CAN bear it and want to help me when I’m spiraling like this. But why should they have to?
I also wish I didn’t have this recurring fear that my mom will suddenly die in her sleep. She gets regular checkups and blood work done, so it’s not like there could be some underlying heart issue that we never knew about. But it’s a fear because it happens. People do unexpectedly die in their sleep. I’ve talked extensively with my therapist about this fear I have that something awful is about to befall me. It likely has to do with my childhood. I lived in flight-or-fight mode for nearly my entire childhood, and maybe reverting to it in adulthood is my way of coping. Still, I wish I could have a bad night of sleep and just be annoyed that I’m going to be tired the next day. I wish I didn’t have a bad night of sleep and immediately assume the worst.
I don’t have any interesting way to wrap up this post. And I’m not going to publish it until I can do a “wellness check” on my mom tomorrow morning and make sure all is well. But right now, I’m going to try https://braintap.com/ and then go back to sleep and hope anxiety brain calms itself down.
[Update, 11AM: I was able to fall back asleep after drafting this post. Ellie settled down, now that her belly was full, and curled up next to me until I woke up around 9:30AM. Mom is fine. I Facetimed with her this morning. Anxiety brain strikes again.]
Oh Stephany, I’m so sorry. I can relate and it’s hard and terrible and our mental processing does not always make any sense at all (even to us at the time) and yet it can feel SO, SO real. And anxiety around bedtime is the worst (for me). This summer I had a long and exhausting string of panic attacks in the early morning. I was literally waking up in the middle of a panic attack.
Thankfully, things are so much better for me right now, but I’m also nervous because I know I’m susceptible to this sort of thing.
I love the thought of having a safe word.
Wishing you health and happiness and security and a rest from the anxiety, while recognizing it ebbs and flows and may be part of your experience (and mine) for our entire lives. I’m so glad you have a wonderful therapist/friends/family who support you.
Hugs <3
Thanks so much for your kind words, Elisabeth. Nighttime is truly the worst for my anxiety and it’s just so hard. I’m still working on figuring out the right coping skills when my anxiety gets the worst of me like this. <3
Hugs to you. Anxiety is its own special flavor of nightmare. I am glad you’ re regularly seeing a therapist and I hope that someday these middle of the night spirals become a thing of the past.
Thanks so much! It’s a real bitch to deal with, but I know they will get better with time. They must!
Anxiety is a pain the ass. It can rob us of our motivation, it can scare us and make us worry about those we love, and it can make us think we have actually done horrible things when we have not. I have friends and family that deal with it. I’m so sorry. For some, medication and therapy can help…I know you’re doing therapy, have you tried medication?
“It can rob us of our motivation, it can scare us and make us worry about those we love, and it can make us think we have actually done horrible things when we have not.” <– This describes anxiety so perfectly. Thank you!
I am on Lexapro! I've been on it for many years and it has been super helpful. I just need to figure out how to stop the spiraling thoughts at nighttime. CBD might be my next option.
Oh I’m so sorry you had such a bad night. Why does anxiety always have to strike in the middle of the night? I hope you’re feeling better. xo
Thank you, friend! If only it could start in the middle of the day when I could talk with a friend. It’s hard when it strikes at night when I’m alone. <3
What a rough night. I am so sorry this happened and keeps happening. Your friends want to help and listen. You aren’t a burden. You have my # – I always a text away!!! <3
Thank you so much, friend! Knowing you are a text away is one of my calming thoughts when I get like this! <3
This is so awful, I’m so sorry. I hate those anxiety spirals. They are impossible to ignore or talk yourself out of. (Although I hope your therapist had some ideas!) My husband sleeps next to me and I can never bring myself to wake him up when I am awake with anxious thoughts. It feels selfish and mean and then my brain tells me all the ways that I am selfish and mean anyway, and waking him up would just be yet another example of why I am the worst human and how it is probably a mistake that he married me. It is SO lonely, to have someone you love inches away from you and feel like you cannot and should not involve them in your dark thoughts.
I’m really sorry you had a bad night. I’m glad you were able to get back to sleep and that your mom was okay.
Oh, Suzanne, are you in my brain? “It feels selfish and mean and then my brain tells me all the ways that I am selfish and mean anyway, and waking him up would just be yet another example of why I am the worst human and how it is probably a mistake that he married me.” I feel that way CONSTANTLY about bugging other people with my problems. People don’t need to hear about it, even though I know they want me to reach out when I feel like this. Why is it so hard for us to do that?
Ugh, nighttime is the worst for anxiety. I frequently get woken up at night by one of both kids and then my brain will randomly think about something. Last night I was second guessing whether I ever updated my passport w/ my married name. Surely I did this, but I could not remember and I think we keep our passports in phil’s dresser but I didn’t want to wake him up and ask him where they are/make noise finding them. This morning I wasn’t worried enough to find them and check but it seemed like a thing to needlessly worry about last night!
YES! It’s it funny how our brains will get stuck on one thing to worry about and we’ll just spiral and spiral because it’s the middle of the night and there’s nothing else to do? It’s the worst!
Uff. That sounds like a long and exhausting night. As J so eloquently said, anxiety is such a pain in the ass. (As you know, Jon deals with anxiety too and sometimes when he worries, there’s nothing I can say to make it better, but I am glad that he shares his worries with me (most of the time) and even sometimes wakes me up to talk through it. Just know, people won’t think it’s a burden. I don’t always ‘logically understand’ what he’s worried about – but anxiety is not logical to begin with! – but I can try to reassure him.)
I am glad Ellie was ok, and your mom was ok, and you got through the night and things feel better now. Sending a big hug.
Thanks, friend. Jon is really lucky to have such a supportive partner in you! I know that it can be a little wearying to handle the load of our anxieties. <3 It's the worst when I'm worrying over something I know it's logically inaccurate but I cannot break the cycle of spiraling thoughts!
Thank you for sharing your anxiety with us. I am sorry you suffer. I am sorry it keeps you awake. I have no advice or anything. Just that I maybe can somewhat relate? And that is a new thought to me. I never much think about anxiety but I. would lie if I said I never wake up at night and need to check k if the husband is still breathing next to me. I also know the spiraling thoughts that go on and on and on. About very different scenarios. But luckily I do snap out of it. It does help to put my hand on my husbands back to calm down.
Oh, my friend. I am so sorry I am reading this so damn late… I wish I had been thoughtful enough to see the post and look at it immediately, vs. waiting. As you can probably tell from the comments, you are not alone. I share your visceral fear that something will happen to your mom – for me, it’s my parents, or my brother and his family. And yes, when those fears wake you in the middle of the night and you start spiraling (or, as I say, my brain “starts spinning”) it is so. damn. hard. to get out of that. For me, it’s often related to anxiety I have over something that happened that day at work (usually me worrying that I completely effed something up, sorry for the language), or something that will happen soon.
I don’t have anything really helpful to share, other than I, too, am so glad you have your therapist, your friends, your mom, and your girls to help you. You deserve all good things – I wish I could make these spirals disappear, but unfortunately my magic powers seem to have lapsed recently. 😉
Take care, my friend. I hope you know you are most certainly not alone. <3
No apologies needed, friend! <3 Thank you for your comment and for reminding me that I am not alone in these worries.