It’s been a while since we’ve had a virtual coffee date, friends! Let’s sit down with a drink—I’m sipping on an iced vanilla latte myself—and chat about what’s going on in our lives.
If we were having coffee today… I’d start the conversation by gushing about my podcast for a little while! I’m having way more fun with it than I thought I would, and it’s been even better to put it out in the world and hear how you guys are enjoying it! We’re starting to plan for season 2 and have a recording date scheduled for next weekend, which I’m very much looking forward to! And we have a creative brainstorming session to figure out some bits and pieces we want to put together for season 2 on Monday. This little passion project really has my whole heart at this point!
If we were having coffee today… I might talk about mental health. My anxiety has been in an up-and-down state these days. Some days, I’m fine. Other days, I’m not. I’m trying to do what I can to keep myself mentally well: taking my meds, going for walks, seeing my therapist, hanging out with friends/family, checking in with my moods, etc. But it’s exhausting to never know how I’m going to feel on a particular day. Or to do something that I think is going to be good for my mental health, but it turns out to cause me more anxiety. And there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to talk about all of this on my blog because oh my god, can I just get it together already? I have this incessant need to “win” my anxiety disorder and when it takes me down, I feel so defeated, as if I wasn’t strong enough to battle it like I should have. I feel as if I am letting other people down when my anxiety isn’t as stable as I want it to be. (Could I be any more of an Enneagram 9? Sigh.) I’m trying to be better about just letting my anxiety disorder be what it is and not be defeated by this up-and-down trajectory of symptoms. Easier said than done.
If we were having coffee today… I’d probably groan about how difficult dating is. Do you know that I was all set up to go on a date with someone and he canceled on me the day of the date? And that the next time I set up a first date with someone different, I logged into my Hinge profile to send a message the morning of the date, only to find out he had unmatched with me? Or that I’ve had four different lengthy and deep conversations through Bumble with women I really liked… only to get ghosted after a few days? Y’all, my self-esteem is not great right now. I feel undateable. I don’t know where to go from here but, oof. This return to dating apps has not been good for me.
If we were having coffee today… I might admit that I got myself in a bit of a pickle financially. I don’t really know how it happened but in the last month alone I’ve had to withdraw money from emergency savings to save myself from overdrafting in my checking account. I’ve mentioned before that I have two separate savings accounts: one is with my bank, and I try to keep $500 in that savings account so that I can quickly transfer money to my checking account if I don’t have enough in there to cover a bill. The other savings account is through CapitalOne, and that’s where I keep my various saving categories: emergency savings, pet savings, Christmas, etc. I built up a nice little nest egg in my emergency savings that I haven’t had to touch, but I got myself into a bit of a jam at the beginning of this month. With only $80 in my bank savings, I didn’t have enough to cover a bill that would be autodrafting from my checking account, so I had to dip into my CapitalOne emergency savings. Ugh! I’ve been doing so good at not living paycheck-to-paycheck, so it’s a bit demoralizing to have this happen. So, until I get my credit card fully paid off, my bank savings back to $500, and my emergency savings back to $3,000, I am on a slight shopping ban. It’s not a full-scale shopping ban because I am going to be here for, ehh, a few months I think. I’m giving myself $30 to spend each pay period. But I’m definitely saying no to any major purchases, unnecessary Ubereats orders, and retail therapy. I know I will feel so much better when everything is back to normal, and September is a three-paycheck month, which should really help!
If we were having coffee today… and I felt really comfortable with you, I might bring up some of the things I’ve been thinking about in regards to weight loss, dieting, and body image. Here’s my truth: I want to lose weight because I am not at a healthy weight and the last time I had bloodwork done, some of the numbers were concerning. For a while, I thought about rejoining WW for the 8th, 9th, 10th, who knows, time. But then I thought about how much I hate counting points, how demoralizing it is to have to restrict when I run out of points (yes, you can eat whatever you want, but you’re still restricting yourself to fit into a certain daily points range) (and also, ugh, I do not love that feeling of needing to exercise to “earn” extra points – NO). I just don’t have it in me to do that to myself again. I do believe that WW can work for many people; I’m just not one of them. I’m considering Noom, but I also don’t really love the idea of grading my food on a scale of good, neutral, and bad, because I don’t believe food is inherently good or inherently bad. I am most definitely not going to redownload My Fitness Pal and track every calorie I eat because that just leads me down a negative path. So what’s a girl with eating issues to do? I don’t have a solution here. I might end up trying Noom, especially because they keep sending me emails about getting 6 months free with a one-year subscription. Or maybe I just need to find small ways to add healthier foods into my diet. For example, I switched my breakfast from eggs and toast to string cheese and Greek yogurt. Instead of having a ton of different chocolates and Little Debbie snacks around, I have one bag of dark chocolates. I don’t love dark chocolate and can only eat a few at a time since it’s so rich, so it gives me the chocolate fix without tempting me too much. Is it enough? I don’t know. But I know I need to get serious about what I’m putting into my body because there’s nothing I want less than heart disease and diabetes.
If we were having coffee today… I would, of course, give you an update on the cats. My little ladies are doing great! Eloise has been loving my new habit of making my bed every morning, as I find her curled up on the bed all morning long. (However, she seems to take issue with the process of me making my bed, as she swipes at me with her claws while I’m doing it. I’m not a fan!) She’s also still demanding that I share the office chair with her while I’m working. She’ll stand on the arm of the chair until I move over to let her curl up next to me. I let her do it because I love the closeness! Lila has always been my shy, skittish kitty who hides under the couch when company is over. But she is so open, snuggly, and lovey with me. She lets me snuggle her close to my side in the morning when I’m in bed and has even started curling up next to me on the couch when I’m watching TV. That’s a new habit for her, as she used to be very particular about where she would sleep and didn’t want to be too close to me. She also loves licking the inside of my elbow, which isn’t always the most pleasant feeling with her rough tongue on such sensitive skin! But I let her do it because I’m a sucker and her cute lil face is hard to resist.
Whew! This turned into a very serious coffee date. Thanks for listening to me! Tell me what you would talk to me about on this coffee date. 🙂
First of all, I have your episode 2 all queued up and ready to go – hopefully to listen today or tomorrow. I don’t know anything about enneagrams, even less than I know about Myers-Briggs, so I’m looking forward to it. I like hearing your voice!
I’m sorry your anxiety has been so up and down. It’s not a failure and you’re not letting anyone down. You are doing the best you can, and sometimes it is a rollercoaster.
Ugh on the dating thing. I have no advice in that area, just ugh.
The eating thing…I cannot count calories or anything like that because it puts me in such a bad mental space. I wish you much luck, it’s a fraught thing for sure. Big hugs, my friend! xo
Thank you, Nicole. <3 It's hard to be in such a rough season with my anxiety when it's been in such a good place for many years. I may talk to my doc about adjusting my meds to see if that helps at all.
First, I can so relate to everything you’re writing about anxiety. I am also at a stage when I don’t know if it’s going to be a good or bad day, and even the stress of that fuels my anxiety. Thanks for sharing, as anxiety can feel SO isolating. When we have a broken leg, everyone knows and helps us accommodate for that. We can point to the reason for the broken leg (like: I slipped on some ice) and everyone accepts that. We accept that. There is a solution and it heals. It’s so much harder with what I sometimes call my “broken brain.” No one can see it, of course, and so you have to keep up appearances on days when you can feel downright terrible. I have always loved the quote from C.S. Lewis: It is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.” Maybe, too, because a broken heart or brain…well, they feel like things that should be under our control.
On good days, I can literally think I have this “beat” forever. As in: I am never going to have unrealistic responses. And then 24 hours later I can literally feel like I will NEVER FEEL OKAY AGAIN MY WHOLE LIFE. In that latter state, I also think: how does everyone else have all their life together? I rate the issues giving me anxiety and then judge myself for feeling anxious. Such a vicious cycle, my friend. I can relate. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And just so much kudos for sharing and for pursuing those activities that are life-giving (e.g. therapy, time with friends).
Oh gosh, that feeling of “I will never feel okay again my whole life” is something that always happens to me! And then when I try to be all logical, “You will feel okay! Remember last week when you were happy?” my brain will respond with, “Well, were you REALLY happy? Have you EVER been happy?” OY VEY.
It really is hard when you just don’t know what your mood is going to be like. Will this be a day when I feel good, or will this be a day when life just feels like it is so, so much to get through? I’m sorry you also go through that, but I will say that your comment was such a balm to my soul on a day I was feeling so frustrated by my anxiety. It helps knowing that other people are going through this, too, even though I wish you didn’t relate so well. But it does make me feel a lot less alone in my struggles.
I’m with you on the anxiety. I just feel like I am constantly in a cycle of self-critical thoughts and things are spiraling out of control. I don’t know what to do about this, but I’m really struggling. I imagine the dating thing is NOT helping at all and I’m sorry about that. I have no advice. I just have a story. Decades ago, I had chatted with a guy on AOL for like months and we finally decided to meet up. I drove twenty miles (halfway) and he stood me up and I’ve never forgotten it and it sometimes pops up in my dreams. That rejection is painful, yo.
Ha ha about Eloise swatting you while you make the bed, even though she likes it made. Zelda the Cat gets really aggressive with me when I empty her litter box (to the point that she’s banished from the bathroom during the chore), but I know she likes it when it’s clean!! Cats. Such ungrateful little jerks who we love.
I’m sorry that you’re also going through a really rough time with your anxiety. I hope things get better when you’re done with your current job. I imagine that’s causing you a lot of stress and anxiety lately! The spiraling thoughts can be so overwhelming.
I enjoyed your second podcast installment! I didn’t know anything about enneagrams, but you two did great explaining it. I couldn’t figure out which I am (yet), but I guess that’s the challenge and the point.
Regarding dating frustrations, I have a podcast recommendation: Relationsh!t with Kamie Crawford (the co-host of the show Catfish among other things).
The format: Kamie usually chats with a guest with some expertise/interest (body image while dating, dating apps, interracial dating, social media, communication, astrology and dating, etc..), and then she responds to varied relationship questions from listeners.
Kamie is newly single herself. When she started the podcast, she was in a 5yr relationship, but then she announced her singlehood several months ago. Now she’s online dating.
Even before then, dating, especially online dating, was often a topic (making a profile, different types of dates, needs/wants, fakers, bad/good experiences, etc.). It’s LGBTQ+ inclusive, and Kamie has a great voice and energy and, most importantly, positivity. Her advice is like what you would hear from a smart, empathetic, no-bullshit bff. I’ve really been enjoying it this summer even though I’m not dating. I browse and look at the titles and listen to one that’s interesting to me.
Your cats are awesome and gorgeous; I love that the snuggles are increasing!
This is a great podcast recommendation and I’m adding it to my list right now! Thank you so much!
You KNOW I am with you on the weight loss frustration! It is so hard, especially when you are working so hard to embrace your body as it is… but still recognize that there are ways to be healthier and feel better. UGH.
I have heard SO MANY people who’ve had fantastic experiences with Noom. So many that I finally gave in and joined… last fall? Maybe the fall before? But it did not work for me. I am not the target audience for the constant check ins, I guess… and I wasn’t able to set goals in the way the app wanted me to. Plus, I got really demoralized when I realized that I would STILL have to track my food and stick to 1200 calories a day. I HATE THAT.
Anyway. I have been loosely counting calories over here, on MyFitnessEnemy, and it’s going okay. Very slowly. But okay. I hope that whatever method you choose goes GREAT and evolves into that Lifestyle Change that all diets everywhere claim to be but never are (for me).
Ew, they recommend a 1200 calorie a day diet? Come on, Noom! I really do not like the idea of tracking what I eat, though, especially because there are so many times when I’m not sure how MUCH of something I’m eating. I’m just eyeballing it or whatever! Well, maybe that’s the problem, lol, because we always tend to eat more than we think we do, but ugh, I just do not want to go back to a place where I’m weighing and measuring out every single thing I eat. It’s just a downward cycle of negativity when I do that.
Wow Stephany, you’re really going through some heavy stuff here. If it makes you feel any better, we also got ourselves into a bit of a financial pickle this summer and are now digging out way out- so you’re not the only one.
At least you have your podcast and your cats! I have to admit I haven’t listened yet, but I’m glad I read this post- I needed the reminder. It sounds interesting and I’ll definitely check it our. And… cats are just the best.
It does help knowing I’m not the only one dealing with financial pickles! Ugh. We’ll get ourselves out of it, though!
I listened to most of your 2nd episode while I was kayaking while Phil swam across the lake. It is something he loves doing every August and something I really don’t enjoy but your podcast made it more enjoyable. I love personality frameworks so have really enjoyed hearing you guys chat about it. You have great chemistry!
I am sorry about the anxiety. It is hard because we often think of mental health differently than other medical problems. But I see it as being as out of my control as my RA. I can’t change that I have it, I can only manage around it, and medication has been key for me – as I know it is for you. Maybe you need a different dose or a different med?
The weight loss thing is so hard. I really like WW because of all of the 0 point foods. I have tried MPF and I find that more demoralizing than WW because to lose weight, I’d need to eat like 1200 calories and that just doesn’t seem like enough for me! I got a little sloppy with my eating this summer so am trying to dial in my eating and get back to my ideal weight. I wish it was easier to keep weight off. It was far easier before I had kids, but I’m probably getting closer to menopause and that is not helping matters! But I wish it wasn’t such a hard battle. I think focusing on improving a few different things is a good approach, though. You could pick things that are tied to improving your blood test results, which I think is around blood sugar? Making small steps will probably feel more sustainable than a wholesale change in how you eat.
And ugh. Dating. It is the worst. It might be best to take a little break from online dating until you feel like your anxiety is in a better place? I found online dating to be pretty depressing at times and a kick to the ego/self-worth. 🙁
Until you pointed out that maybe it was time to try a different dose or med, it never even occurred to me that that could be the answer! I’ve been on this dose for years now, so I think I may schedule an appointment with my doctor to go over my options. Thanks for that great advice!
And yes, I really want to improve my blood sugar + cholesterol numbers, and I think tying my new healthy behaviors to that will be a helpful thing! That’s a very good point.
I’m glad you’re loving the podcast! That makes me so happy to hear! 🙂
I am so glad you are enjoying the podcast! It’s been fun to listen to!
I am sorry your anxiety has been so bad lately! But! Please know no one expects you to beat it! We just hope you can find ways to make it easier and not as bad <3
I hope you get your bank accounts back where you want them! I was super excited to pay off my CC but now I will be getting an ER bill soon… so that sucks. LOL.
I hope you can find a way to lose weight that's not triggering or guilt-ridden. I totally get what you mean about counting calories. That makes me so neurotic and too obsessed with it! Switching out foods and having less of certain things in the house sounds like a good step into it!
You know I would be whining about work on our coffee date. And asking to see pics of the girls!
You are too sweet, Kim. Thank you! It’s hard when I feel like I just can’t stop these anxiety spirals but I’m trying to remind myself that this is part of mental illness and I wouldn’t get mad at someone with a physical ailment who kept having setbacks! Sigh.
Ugh, ER bills. Hopefully you can negotiate a lower rate!
Uff. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now.
I am so sorry your anxiety is so rampant right now (I only really know it second-hand through Jon, but I can definitely empathize. It’s hard to wake up and not know if you’re going to feel good or bad and then navigate the day with this reality. That alone must be exhausting. On top of that, dating sounds really difficult and emotionally draining. Why can’t this be easier?
Re: the weight loss/dieting, I will admit that I don’t have any real advice, but I think making small changes at a time are the way to go. Completely overhauling your diet is not going to work long term. It sounds like you’ve already thought about making some changes that will benefit you in the long run.
Your support means so much to me, San! Thank you. <3
I’ve been sitting on this for DAYS at this point, thinking about your post. and your anxiety. And all you are putting on your plate. And I saw your comment to Lisa that you talked to your doc about the meds – yay, you, being super-proactive. But I also wanted to just say… well, I hear you. I get it. The uncertainty with the anxiety is so (frustratingly) anxiety-producing. That worry of, will today be a day when I spiral? Will I find it impossible to get a d*** thing done because I’m in my head too much? Because those days suck. The thing that makes it worse for me is thinking that I need to be doing more self-care to take care of my anxiety. Or for others to make, um, less-than-helpful suggestions (even when I know they love me). Yes, thanks, I know that it would help to take a break from work… but taking a break from work (for me) feeds the anxiety beast. So I come back from my “break” feeling worse and not refreshed at all.
I guess what I’m trying to say is a lot of people think it should be “easy” to just set aside the anxiety. And dammit, it’s not. It’s just not.
That said, one tiny thought? I know you want to improve your health but jeez, woman, you are putting a crap-ton of stuff on yourself right now. Even with the fun stuff (PODCAST! you seriously have the easiest voice to listen to…), you also have dating and money and oh hey, my body image and health, and… dude. That’s a lot. Just sayin’. <3 Take care of YOU first. Please. 🙂 (OK, and the cats, because <3 <3 <3)
This comment really lifted my spirits. Thank you, Anne! Sometimes I forget that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way or do ALL OF THE THINGS because I’m single, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have any reason to complain, right? But my anxiety is definitely worse when I’m doing too much and I need to remember that!
Switching my anxiety meds to nighttime has done a WORLD of difference, though!
Oh, my goodness – I could have written this: “I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way or do ALL OF THE THINGS because I’m single, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have any reason to complain, right?”.
I *literally* said that to myself through the pandemic. I wasn’t working in-person. I have my own apartment. I’m financially okay. I don’t have kids, heck, I don’t even have a dog. I have no right to complain, and everyone else has it much harder than I do. I never ever spoke up in our “support” meetings for faculty because, well, who was I to complain???
(So, I hear you, yet again. Despite the fact that I am old-beyond-measure. ;>)