When I was reorganizing my blog earlier this year, I found the below letter that I wrote to my future 28-year-old self at the tender age of 23. Reading through my blog archives from that time makes me cringe a lot because that was a really low point in my life. I don’t think I even realized the extent of it, but now that I’m on the other side of it, I can tell that I was not in a good place.
Reviewing this letter was eye-opening because I achieved so many of the things I wanted to have in my life. But before I get into that, let’s read:
Dear 28-year-old Stephany,
When I think of myself now, five years older than I am while writing this letter, I can’t help but think of how different my life will be. I’ll be on the cusp of turning 30, which feels just plain weird. I still feel perpetually fifteen.
I hope you are happy. I hope you have a job you love and have built a life that fulfills you. You began your 23rd year with very few friends, an unhealthy obsession with food, and low self-esteem. There is a lot I need to learn and a lot I hope to have experienced by the time I turn 28.
What do I want from you? So much. I want you to be healthy, eating food that feels good for your body. I want you to be fit and have found a passionate love for running or any other type of exercise. I want you to be successful, whether it be as a published author or working at a job you love. I want you to be married because frankly, you think about your future husband so much now that still being single five years from now feels defeatist. If you’re not married, I want you to be happy in your singlehood. I want you to not be afraid of starting relationships, be they friendships or romantic relationships. I want your life to be filled with friends and social events. At 23, you’re too filled with fear to do anything about cultivating friendships or being social.
And I want you to remember how you felt as you began Year 2011, at 23. At this time, you were happy, but then again, not-so-happy. You had just begun to explore all these feelings that bombard your mind and body multiple times a day and have hesitantly put a label of “anxiety” on what causes them. You will be seeking therapy in the new year and as much as you want to accept that, it feels a little bit like failure. It feels like you aren’t enough to take care of yourself. You are unhealthy and overweight with an obsession with food that is scary. You badly want to find a love for running and healthy eating so let’s hope 2011 is the year that happens. You don’t have very many friends (but I would venture to say that your amazing blog friends more than make up for that!) and it feels like your family is falling apart, with your 15-year-old twin cousins getting involved in some pretty bad stuff and nobody talking about what’s really going on.
I hope things begin to turn around soon for you. I hope you begin to open up your heart to new relationships, discover what you’re passionate about, and stop hiding from the world. Together, we can do this. We can be happy. We can be healthy. And we can begin to live in freedom.
Love,
Your former 23-year-old self
***
It’s so funny to imagine what I thought life would be like at 28. It feels weird that I’m here. I never really imagined myself being 28. Just like how, right now, I can’t imagine myself being 38.
One of the things that stuck out to me is how I wanted to work at a job I loved. When I wrote this letter, I was entering my last semester of college and working part-time at a preschool. I was miserable and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Five years later, I am working at a job I love and well beyond college. I get to write and edit for a living, learn about the interesting world of online marketing and SEO, and work with completely wonderful colleagues. So yes, younger Stephany, you did achieve that and it feels so good.
Another thing that jumped out at me was wanting to develop friendships. At 23, my friendship circle was minimal. I didn’t go out (like, at all), my high school friendships had fallen away, and I only really hung out with my family. So I’m really pleased that in the five years since this letter, I have connected with some truly wonderful women. I joined a book club, which was terrifying, but I ended up meeting some of my closest and most cherished girlfriends through it. These girls get me and let me be myself. Through work, I met more wonderful ladies, one of whom I connected with on such a deep level that we moved in together and I consider her to be one of my best friends. And how can I forget the friendship I have with my mom? It has grown deeper through the years, and there’s nobody I enjoy spending time with more than her. So friendships – another check mark. My social network might not be as extensive as most, but it’s perfect for me.
At 23, I wanted to be married when I was 28, but I’m really, really happy that I’m not. I’m content in being single and happy that I have this time in my life to explore what I want and to be completely selfish with my time. I also don’t spend all my time thinking about my future husband anymore. I go on dates when I want to, but mostly try not to take this area of my life too seriously. Love will happen when it happens!
But there is an area of my life that I haven’t yet gotten a handle on and that is my health. Over the past five years, my weight has gone up and not down, and it’s a constant area of struggle for me. But lately, I’ve found myself less inclined to worry so much about it. I don’t want to be someone who needs to be a certain weight in order to be happy. I’m trying to accept myself as I am right now, knowing I do need to lose weight for health reasons, but also that it’s okay that I’m not where I want to be. What I want more than to look a certain way is to feel better about myself and feel good about the choices I make. A number on the scale is arbitrary, but feeling good about myself is an exceptional way to live.
So to little 23-year-old Stephany who felt like the world was on her shoulders and life was one difficult day after another, I’m pleased to tell you that you are happy and love the life you have built for myself. It may not look exactly the way you envisioned it, but it’s still wonderful little life.
What do you think your former self from five years ago would think of your life today?
That is so cool that you found this old letter to yourself. I think what you have really found over the last 5 years, besides a career that you love, is more self-acceptance. That was the trend for me in my 20s. As I moved into my late 30s, I obsessed less about how I “thought” my life should be and was more accepting of what it was, and I was working towards becoming genuinely happy and I focused less on my relationship status. How great to have this letter that measure the progress you have made over the last 5 years. Sure, there are things you still want to work on, but that’s human nature as we are always growing, changing, and working on self-improvement and self-acceptance.
I think my 29-year old self would be happy that I have a job I like, am working with people I enjoy, and feel comfortable in my role. I think she’d be shocked that I moved to Charlotte for a year. I’m shocked I did that, too, though, and sometimes have a hard time believing it actually happened as it feels like a distant memory. My 29-year old self would be happy to see that I’ve met a man who loves me, accepts me for who I am, challenges me, makes me laugh, and is totally ok with the fact that I tend to be a bit (err, a lot) independent. She’d probably be a little disappointed to find that I am not married and haven’t started a family but she’d think it was cool that I’ve done other things like go to France twice and visit lots of friends scattered across the US.
I love this post! So interesting to see you at a point where you once imagined yourself, and also to have evidence of what that imagining looked like exactly from your 23 year old self.
I was also at a low point mentally/self-esteem/confidence wise at 23, and I’m not sure what she’d think of me. Probably not be happy about the singleness of my life. Maybe surprised at where I’m living, and that I’m back in school, but her being not happy would mean a generally not happiness for me I think. So oh well, I’m happy now, and that’s what matters. ::)
Oh, wow.
I don’t know that my five year ago self would have predicted most of the things that happened in my life. I was newly dating Knight and I very much wanted it to last and I know I’d be glad that it did. I don’t know that I was prepared for life as a step mom, because at that point I hadn’t yet met the girls and wasn’t fully aware of the situation (naive, I realize). There were a lot of curveballs for me in the last five years: moving away from STL and not loving, to moving back, buying our own house, getting married, my mom’s sickness and passing, my brother moving away, my gram moving away… lots of things that I never would have predicted in a million years. For myself, though, I am pleased with where I am. From work to friends, to fitness to reading, and everything in between. I’m pretty lucky and I realize that.
Lovely post! It’s amazing to see how much we grow, accomplish, and learn in just a few years. The 20’s truly are a time of transition, trials, triumphs, change, and everything in between. I think you’ve navigated the waters beautifully since the age of 23!
My former self of 21 five years ago couldn’t imagine what her life turned out to be at the age of 26. At 21, I was still very socially anxious, naive and innocent to the darker ways of the world, and in general had little idea of what the wider world had to offer. During the latter half of that age, I became very existentially depressed; I was questioning my degree of study and my chosen career path (teaching/education at the time), doubtful of the direction my new romantic relationship was heading, confused about my friendships and family, and overall feeling bleak about life. Fast forward five years, and I am still with the same man from back then, and though our relationship has been tumultuous, we’ve managed to grow and learn so much together that I wouldn’t trade the hard times for anything. I still have yet to find and settle in a job that I enjoy and that utilizes my skills, and I am hoping this will be achieved next year. I didn’t know I would move out on my own at 23, that I would discard my original career path, and that I would let go of “so-called” friends. I didn’t know I would become stronger, braver, more independent, and less shy. That I would learn things about people and the world I never imagined I would come across. In the end, I am happy with where I am and who I have become, and I look forward to whatever comes next ;).
How wonderful that you wrote that letter and now have an opportunity to reflect and respond. You have achieved much of what you wanted and most of all you are happy.
A little over 5 years ago my life felt so stagnant, every day the same, and it felt like I was just passing time until death! I wanted a life worth living, to be active, to be involved, to do stuff. It had always been my dream to live in New Zealand and in November 2010 I did it! Now, I’m involved in my community, I go running and ice skating, I have good friends who are also active, I sing in 2 choirs and I go to sports games, operas, ballets, rock concerts. I think my former self would be surprised how much I’ve achieved. However, I’m naturally very introverted so I need my future self to learn how to pace myself, create balance and learn self care!
This is great! It sounds like you HAVE done so much of what your 23 year old self wanted! It’s so nice that you wrote this because now you can look back and reflect. You really have a lot to be proud of and you’ve done so much these past five years.
Ok, so this was really awesome to read. Just the huge contrast between your writing/attitude then and now is what stood out to me most. I really think it’s less about the things you achieved in the last five years (those are great too!) but how you have grown to view life and yourself, kinda like what Lisa said. I feel like my 23 year old letter to myself at 27 would have sounded pretty similar. 23 was NOT my finest moment haha. But we’ve both come a long way since then and it’s really cool to see! I cringe a bit when I read posts from 2011 but they just make me more thankful for where I am now 🙂
Hello! I love that you found this letter and shared it with us. 🙂 I’ve been basically the WORST blogger and blog-reader lately but I do pop in from time to time to read. Anyway, I love that you are in such a good place, and that you can reflect on where you were 5 years ago and see such growth and improvement! I think my 25-year-old self would be surprised with where I am now, but I’m really happy with how my life has gone up until now, too! I for sure thought I’d have at least one kid, be moved out of our little condo, and any number of other things…but I’m actually really happy to have had more time with just my husband, and I’m STILL learning how to care for a small home, so if I’d gotten into anything bigger a year or two ago, it could have been disastrous. 😛
That is so awesome you found that letter! I know I wrote a letter to myself on my blog at one point but I think it was to my 33 or 34 year old self. I should go dig back through the archives and try to find it. It is pretty cool to read through our blogs and see how much our lives have changed over the years. I’m glad that you’ve found an amazing group of girlfriends that get you and you’re in a job you love. I think 23 year old Stephany would be pretty pleased with you 🙂