This weekend was a learning experience for me.
It was the first weekend since I left for college back in 2006 that I was completely, wholly alone for an entire weekend. My mom was in Orlando from Friday afternoon until Sunday night and I was on my own. I won’t lie. I was nervous. I wasn’t looking forward to it. And while I had planned some fun things to do for myself this weekend (beach yoga, a solo trip to IKEA, and a trip to the dog park), everything got thrown to the wayside thanks to my sprained ankle.
When I left for college, I had no idea how tough the change would be for me. I was too busy buying new stuff for my dorm room, getting to know my roommate, and making plans for my college future. But the move away was hard on me. Extremely hard. I was thrown outside my comfort zone, with a roommate I didn’t get along with, and in a semester with classes that tested every level of my academic ability. It was so difficult that I still get knots in my stomach whenever I take the exit off I-275 that I used to get to my university. I only lived 30 minutes away so I eventually ended up going home almost every weekend, which, in hindsight, wasn’t the best decision for me. I should have forced myself to stay there, get more involved, and make friends. But I wasn’t in the state of mind to actively put those plans into action. I was just trying to survive the year at college.
Ever since then, I’ve had this fear that being on my own, or even living away from home, is something I’m incapable of doing. That I am too attached to my mom and I would never get rid of that knot of anxiety in my stomach if I ever moved away. It’s this fear I have that I’m so afraid of voicing because, hello, a 24-year-old who is scared to leave her mother’s house is a WEIRDO. I should want to be independent and on my own and only responsible for myself. That’s the whole POINT of adulthood, right? There is something wretchedly wrong with me if leaving my mother’s house filled me with such fear and anxiety.
Never mind that my mom is more than just a parent for me. She is, at her core, my best friend, closest confidant, and someone I get along with really, really well. We’ve always been close like that and living with her is comfortable and easy. (And much, much cheaper than living on my own.)
I have plans to move out. I don’t intend to be 30 years old and still living at home. I know I need to get out on my own and experience life in a completely different way. But it’s easy to let those plans fall to the wayside in favor of the comfortable. Letting long-term goals stay far in the future because the here and now is so much easier.
My solo weekend wasn’t anything exciting. I tried to make plans with friends but those fell through. I Skyped with Melissa, who is seriously the most wonderful person ever, ever, ever. My brother and nephew came over on Saturday night and on Sunday to watch football. I read. A lot. I did a lot of cleaning and preparing for moving next weekend. I went to church by myself. And it was nice. It was a low-key, relaxing weekend. It recharged me. And through it all, I began to question how it would feel if this was my life. If I was alone and in a new city where I didn’t know anyone. The funny thing is, I may have grown up here but most of my friends have moved away or we’ve grown apart. I feel more connected to friends I’ve met through blogging than to people I’ve grown up with. I’ve grown comfortable with having my mom as my built-in friend. I don’t need to make elaborate weekend plans because I’ll just hang out with my mom! We’ll go shopping and out to eat and sit around and watch TV. Building your life around one person is dangerous and unhealthy. Even if I do end up finding someone I want to be with, I still need to create a life worth getting excited about.
I don’t need to become a social butterfly or sign up for a bunch of new classes and groups. I just need to build a life that suits my desires, wants, and needs. I need to get out more and get more involved in this thing called life. I have to stop hiding behind my shyness and insecurities and take chances on meeting new people. I spent most of August in a daze because I was looking at my life and so freaking unhappy with what I saw. And sometimes, we need to just BE UNHAPPY. We need to cry ourselves to sleep and moan about all the problems we have. I think we’ve become a society that is so focused on DOING and BEING and if you hate your life, just change it! when, honestly? It just doesn’t work that way. Yes, we control our responses to what happens to us but never underestimate the power of the mind when you stop processing your emotions. Things aren’t going to change overnight, or even in the space of a month. I can tell myself to be happy, but all that does, in the long run, is affect the overall emotions I’m dealing with. But I also know that we do have the power to change our circumstances and if we are so freaking unhappy with the way our life is playing out, we have to take the steps to fix it. And that happiness lies in the every day, not the endpoints.
So I was sad in August and it sucked. It’s no fun being sad, but I had to stop fighting myself and just be okay with less happy emotions. And through that, I began to see what facets of my life I wanted to change. What I was doing that was sabotaging my efforts for a more fulfilling life for me. And this weekend taught me that I can handle being on my own and I enjoy the solitude. But I also enjoy being around people and I crave relationships.
This weekend taught me a lot. It taught me I need to stop being so dependent on my mom. It taught me that I will be okay when I move out and start my life on my own. And, above all, it taught me to start living my life. The way I want to live it. And to stop putting it off until this happens or that begins. It doesn’t mean it has to be an exciting life to those around me, but it has to be a life I enjoy and that makes me happy. And while I’m still not 100% certain what all that entails, I do know that I’m ready to forge my own path. It starts with an RSVP to a young women’s book club in my area and the return of women’s Bible study to my schedule… and from there, it’s up to me to continue putting myself out there and not letting a little thing like fear steal the joy that can be found in standing outside my comfort zone.
I can relate to so much of this. Although my mom isn’t my BEST friend, I’ve always considered us to be rather close & I still depend on her for so many things. When she leaves me for a weekend or is busy when I need her, I’m like “wait, I’m supposed to do this by myself right?” Like, it’s the weirdest thing ever. I hate that. Traveling alone (or, with one other person) is the best way I’ve learned so far to be depended on MYSELF. Of course I depended on my friend for things too, but we had to take care of ourselves so entirely- from food, to getting around, to paying for everything, to not getting lost in a different city each day- that coming home it became somewhat second nature to WANT to do things for myself again. I learn a little bit more each time I’m away from home how important it is to depend on ME above anyone else. That’s part of growing up, I think, coming to that realization.
All that being said, the kind of independence you’re talking about is still way too scary for me. I could never move out alone or do something completely by myself like that (but to be honest I have contemplated TRAVELING alone, which terrifies the living lights out of me, but anyway) I can only imagine how scared you are about leaving. I honestly don’t think it’s something you need to push RIGHT AWAY unless you want it to be something you’re doing at your age. My brother didn’t move out until he was with his now-wife, and they were ready to buy a house together. It’s not BAD to stay at home, especially because you contribute, but it IS important to do things for yourself and learn how to be happy independently from your mom.
I know you’ll figure out what you need to be independent AND happy. You need to test out the waters. Travel around in some places, visit people on your own, have weekends without your mom around. I’m convinced you’ll figure out what your recipe to happiness is in no time in this whole situation 🙂
PS remember when we Skyped? THAT was fun 😀 It was kinda like I knew your face and your voice already, like it totally conveyed through all those e-mails and seemed like an extension of them. We need to do that again! <3
I’m hoping to use 2013 to really test out being more independent and less needy on my mom. I think this whole ankle issue is the beginning – I haven’t relied on her to go to my appointments or help me with the copays or anything. Just leaning on me and trusting on myself to do what needs to get done.
I actually really WANT to move out and be on my own. I hope to travel by myself at least once or twice and just get out and do more by myself. It may be to move away for grad school or it may be to just find an apartment on my own. I think even if I move just 5-10 minutes from my mom, it’ll still help me to have to handle household tasks and money and stuff like that by myself.
But we’ll see what the future brings! I do know I need to be more independent and I just want to keep doing that – in little & big ways.
Great post! I think a lot of people our age go through this similar thought process. I know before I left for CT last year, I had this idea that I “couldn’t live far away from my family” – I went to college 30 minutes away from home as well, and while it was fine, I definitely saw them a lot and missed my family when I was away. I decided to take the job in CT for the most part because it was far away and I wanted to prove to myself I could do it on my own in a place where I knew literally no one. It was definitely hard at times, but looking back I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m returning to Boston (today!) with this new idea of myself, my family, and my hometown. I really want to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and meet new people, even though I’ll be living at home for now, because even though it’s hard to do, it’s always worth it to me.
I think my advice to you (aka if I could do it again), would be to ease into it a little slower. I sort of jumped in head first and I wish maybe I had taken it more one step at a time.
I think moving to an entirely different state would be really hard for me, but also really good for me to be independent and on my own. But I’m not sure if I’m ready for THAT kind of independence! It would be difficult for me so I want to start small and build from there.
The good thing about making big and crazy moves in our life is it helps us define what we actually want and take steps to get there. So while CT was hard for you, it helped you gain clarity for your path. 🙂
I remember when my parents dropped me off for college, I didn’t leave my room for a full day and was scared to go to the community bathroom. Luckily a great friend of mine was my roommate and came the day after. I don’t know how hard it would have been without her or if I was as close to my parents as you are with your mom. It sounds like you had a clarifying weekend! I am not worried about you and know you’ll make it to the other side in no time.
The hardest part of college was not knowing ANYONE and being so alone. I have a really tough time making friends so it was not a good place for me. But I made it through and I think I’ve learned so much about myself and become more comfortable with myself in the past 6 years. So now I KNOW I can handle being on my own and it doesn’t seem as frightening as it did before.
Great post, Stephany. I think we all to some extent fear being alone, but when we face it head on, it’s not so bad. I was surrounded by people 24/7 for the first 22 years of my life as I was raised in a big, noisy family with 5 kids, then went to college and lived in the dorms, and then moved into a sorority house where I lived with 41 other women. So I ALWAYS had people around me and people to eat lunch with or watch tv with, etc. Then I moved out on my own back in 2004, and have lived alone ever since and I can honestly say I love it. Granted, falling in love with living alone doesn’t happen over night, but I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to really become independent and figure out how to do everything on my own – and how to reach out for help when I need it (which is something I am still working on). I am sure this weekend showed you that you are stronger than you thought you were! 🙂
I think there are pros and cons to living alone (like anything!) but there’s a part of living with someone that’s nice because you always have someone to do things with. (Provided you like this person, ha!) But I do have plans to move out and be on my own because I know it’s what I need.
41 women in one sorority house? Eeesh! That sounds like a recipe for disaster. 😉
Oh man, I can relate to a lot of this. I lived at home until I was 21, and then I moved directly into my then-husbands house, which was a mere two blocks from my parents house (seriously, a five-minute walk, done intentionally). I was so afraid and sad to move out—I spent most of my wedding day bawling my eyes out not because I was so happy, but because I couldn’t manage the idea of not living at home (I’m tearing up writing this).
When I got divorced, I decided to live on my own for awhile. It was crappy sometimes, but I am so glad I did it. I am much more able to make my own choices, I can do things alone, and I learned a lot about myself. I got over some of my own insecurities.
Since then, I’ve lived with roommates (which might be a good transitional step for you, in my opinion—I’ve always liked having a built-in friend) and now I live with Andrew, and I still find myself wanting to depend on him for everything. And having a built in partner IS nice — it feels less lonely. But, he travels 1/3+ of every year, so I’ve adjusted to having a balance.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with these feelings. You’ll get there. And for what it’s worth, I still only live 20 minutes from my parents and I go home all the time, and text my mom every day. I have actually found that our relationship has deepened because we no longer bicker over chores, etc. We all get to be adults and really savor our time together and the adult relationship that has formed.
This comment made me really happy. Not all you went through but that YOU GET IT. You understand and the fact that leaving the safety & security of my mom scares me to death isn’t weird. I do think roommates is a good transitional step to where I’m on my own, yet still have someone (who isn’t my parent!) to be around. Lots to think about! Thanks for sharing your story. 🙂
I think you hit on a really important point here – “I had to stop fighting myself and just be okay with less happy emotions.” It is the difficult or sad times that make us truly human. It is suffering that helps us relate to, and understand, others.
And it is in sitting with those feelings that we are able to be happy again. We learn how to cope with difficult, or even annoying, circumstances. It’s really important to learn how to process and work through feelings and not just ignore or quiet them. (Or even medicate them – My cousin’s father was put in jail this summer and his doctor immediately put him on a mood stabilizer. He didn’t have a chance to greive, to be hurt, to worry.) I think you’re on the right path, my friend.
And I sort of wish I’d had the opportunity to live alone! I got married right after college, so that never happpened. I loved my roommates in college, but I would have also loved to live alone. Good luck, Steph!
It’s quite interesting to see what can happen when we finally stop fighting ourselves and let the sadness take over. Let us FEEL each emotion and work through it, instead of stuffing it down because it’s going to take too much effort to deal with. It’s not fun, but it’s also the best way for us to grow and learn and take that next step.
I lived with people all throughout college and afterwards with my parents for eight months. Then out again with roommates for a few years, then back to my parents for a year. Then to be with Knight.
Before I moved in with Knight, though, I LOVED every minute of living with my parents. I didn’t see my friends as much because I had weekend plans with my parents. Dinners, parties, nights in, I signed up for classes with my mom (who like you is one of my best friends ever. I’d be lost without her. I wanted her as a bridesmaid in my wedding, in fact, but she said she was too shy/old for that.) to go journaling and learn and try new things. It was awesome. Sometimes I *felt* like I should have been living a different life but instead I was living that life and loving it. I will never regret those days and am so thankful I had them. Like beyond thankful!
There are days, even now, as an adult with my own home and a wedding around the corner where I want nothing more than to go home, to my parents home. And so I do.
I built my own life slowly but surely, apart from my parents, but as you know, I moved back to where they live. I didn’t like being away. I love being close to my parents and brother and Gram. It’s just part of who I am. And yet, I am still fiercely independent. Contradictory, much? 😉
Always here if you need/want to talk!
Thanks so much for your comment on this! I’m just so glad you GET IT. I think it would be worthwhile for me to move to my own place because I think I need to do it… but I also don’t think I’d want to live more than an hour or so away from my mom because she’s just someone I genuinely enjoy being around! I am cherishing these years of just the two of us and how our relationship keeps growing & getting better. In any event, I just signed a one-year lease with her so nothing major is happening for another 12 months at least! 😉
August was a horrible month for me, as you well know! I think I was more or less living the same life as you last month, and even into the first weekend of September. It’s hard thinking of a life outside the person you’re closest to, especially when you don’t feel like you have all that much going on outside of spending time with them, but I definitely agree that it’s an unhealthy habit to form. I’ve been trying to forge my own way in that respect. My internships, I hope, will help with that. And it’s not necessarily that I think introverts should be more sociable, but I think it’s important for us to focus more on the value of people rather than our inner fears, which is where my reservations tend to come from. Just because we’re awkward with company doesn’t mean we can’t put ourselves out there more. Our awkwardness is, in my experience, pretty amusing. 🙂 I commend your efforts and hope you find a lot of gratitude and success in making a life for yourself.
I think community is so important, whether for extroverts or introverts. As humans, we all crave companionship. Introverts just crave it in smaller doses and usually with smaller amounts of people. I think I’ve let my introversion be an excuse and the reason why I keep to myself so much but it can be so detrimental to our mental health. But hopefully the horribleness that was our Augusts have helped us discover how we want to change our lives and make them as awesome as they can possibly be. <3
I’m glad that the weekend ended up being recharging and relaxing after all! I moved out when I was 18 and haven’t looked back since. In the summers between college I lived with Eric in our own apartment and I also moved 600 miles away from my family when I was 20. I think doing that forced me to REALLY grow up and might be part of the reason I seem way older than 24 to a lot of people! I was super down and unhappy the first 6 months and I got home sick all the time, but now that I’m settled in I get home sick for my current home when I go back to visit family! While it sucks not getting to see family often I’ve really built a life for myself here that I love and I still really love weekends or days alone if Eric goes away for whatever reason. I do wish my family was closer to me but I don’t see myself ever moving back to my hometown.
I think that what a few people have suggested (moving out with roommates, not too far from your mom!) might be a good first step for you!
I’m not sure I could ever live too far from my mom because she is SO much more than a parent for me but I also know I need to strike out on my own and be more independent and reliant on myself than I currently am. Nothing will happen for another year at least but I also agree that moving in with a roommate would be a good transitional step for me. So we’ll see what happens! I think this weekend was so helpful for me to understand that the fear I felt in 2006 isn’t necessarily going to carry with me throughout my life.
I can relate to this in many ways. I was/am very close with my parents and I never wanted to move out. I don’t know how many nights I spend hoping and wishing that the time I was able to live at home would never end. Then, at 25, I came to the US for my exchange semester and this is when I truly lived alone (well, with roommates) for the first time…. and: I loved it.
Even though I was looking forward to going home and living with my parents again for a little while longer, I was looking forward to also having my own place in the future. That was a huge step.
I kinda regret that I never had the opportunity to completely live alone, since I moved in with my then-bf when I moved to the US. I think living alone can really be a quite liberating experience. I think you’ll be able to appreciate it at some point… until then, just enjoy every minute of the time that you have with your mom! 😉 It’s a special bond you share.
That’s my plan! I am locked into a 1-year lease right now so nothing major will happen until next September at the earliest. So I want to enjoy this time with my mom because I think it may be the last time we live together like this. And after that? It’s time to strike out on my own and learn to be okay with not having my mom around so much. 🙂