I have a complicated history when it comes to alcohol and drinking in general. My grandfather (Pops) was a recovering alcoholic, so out of respect for him, we never had alcohol at our holiday gatherings, picnics, birthdays, etc. My dad would drink beer when he watched football games and such, but for the most part, I don’t remember us having beer, wine, or any other kind of alcohol in our home. We probably did, but my parents didn’t drink around us at all.
My only real association with alcohol was that it made my dad mean and angry. Alcohol made him yell at the TV when watching football games. It made him yell at my mother. It made him punch holes in the walls.
I wanted nothing to do with alcohol. After all, I wanted to be a good Christian girl and good Christian girls do not drink alcohol. Getting drunk is a sin, an abomination in the eyes of God.
So I didn’t drink. I wasn’t tempted by it, either. It just wasn’t something that was for me, and I was fine with it.
The summer after I graduated high school, I had a few tipsy nights with some girlfriends where we drank wine coolers and fruity pina coladas. It was my first time drinking and you know what? I really enjoyed myself! There was something so risque about being underage and drinking with my girlfriends. It just wasn’t something a girl like me did, and I had a lot of fun exploring this new side of me.
These few tipsy night also weren’t my pathway to sin and debauchery, as the church would have me believe. After a handful of tipsy nights, I was back on the straight and narrow.
I turned 21 and I allowed myself to have a drink now and then. It was never something that totally interested me, though. I didn’t really like the taste of alcohol and I always much preferred an ice-cold soda to a fruity cocktail.
I don’t really know when I started drinking on a more regular basis. (And let me be clear, a “more regular basis” for me means maybe one drink per month.) I think it just happened naturally as I became more comfortable with myself, started to recognize that you could be a good Christian girl and drink alcohol, and developed stronger friendships (which entailed more dinners with friends and nights out). I figured out which types of drinks I liked (ciders, fruity cocktails, margaritas) and which ones I didn’t (any kind of beer, martinis, wine). I enjoyed trying new drinks, although I never drank enough to get drunk. That wasn’t the point of drinking for me—I just wanted to drink something that tasted good, and if it did, I’d likely sip it slowly throughout the course of a meal.
It took me a long time to unlearn the lessons I had been told as a kid: that alcohol was bad, that those who drink only do it to get drunk, and that getting drunk is also bad. These were the things I learned from being in an evangelical church community and from seeing the way alcohol had nearly ruined Pops’ life and wasn’t doing any favors in my father’s life. But there are pleeeeenty of people who drink responsibly, and there’s also nothing wrong with getting drunk and enjoying yourself for a night. Sometimes, getting drunk is the best way for me to loosen up and have fun when I’m out at an event where I might feel uncomfortable and inhibited due to my social anxiety. I appreciate how alcohol can turn me into a person who is not afraid to dance at weddings, enter crowded bars, and sing loudly with strangers—all things a sober Stephany would balk at.
Sometime in my late twenties, I began to notice I was having really weird reactions whenever I drank alcohol. My head would feel like it was on fire. My face, neck, and ears would get super red, almost like I was breaking out in hives. Sometimes, I would feel dizzy and nauseous, like I had been drugged. Every now and then, my arms would break out in hives.
In short, I likely have some sort of alcohol intolerence, which is a metabolic disorder that happens when a person’s body cannot properly break down a certain enzyme in alcohol. This disorder has been known as “Asian flush syndrome,” as it affects the Asian population at a much higher rate. All of the symptoms I mentioned above are present in people with alcohol intolerance.
The only problem is, I don’t always have a reaction when drinking alcohol. Sometimes, I’m fine! Other times, I’m not. And I haven’t been able to pinpoint when it will happen. It’s not limited to a certain type of alcohol, or a certain kind of drink, or a certain time of day. It’s happened when I’m drinking on an empty stomach and when I’m not drinking on an empty stomach. It’s almost like I play a game of Russian roulette every time I drink: will I have a reaction this time, or will it all be ok?
It’s because of this semi-alcohol interolance that I decided, in 2021, to stop drinking entirely. And as someone who isn’t a huge drinker anyway, it felt like it was that perfect excuse I could give when people asked why I wasn’t drinking. (Thankfully, most of the people in my friend group aren’t huge drinkers either, so it’s never been an issue, but in dating and with other friends, it can be seen as weird.)
NGS wrote about this last month—the plight of the non-drinker in a society that widely celebrates drinking—and her post was so relatable. It can be difficult to be a thirty-something non-drinker and that’s why I’ve always loved my built-in excuse for why I’m not drinking. “Oh, I’m allergic to alcohol,” I’ll say offhandedly, if someone asks. But also, why do I need this excuse? Isn’t it enough to say, “I don’t drink” or “I don’t like alcohol” without dealing with the opinions and questions from other people?
Our society glorifies drinking to an unhealthy extent. From “Mommy’s drinking wine” to bottomless mimosa brunches to every social event being an excuse to drink, it’s all around us and it can feel very isolating if you’re someone who doesn’t like to drink. I often feel very weird about my disinclination for drinking; there’s this part of me that wants to be that suave thirty-something with a wine subscription and a bar cart in my dining room filled with alcohol. Instagram makes drinking so enticing, doesn’t it? But that’s just not who I am and, deep down, not who I want to be. If that’s your jam, I love that for you. But it’s not for me, it’s not for many of us, and that needs to be just as accepted and celebrated. Sobriety isn’t only for recovering alcoholics. It’s also for people who just don’t want to drink, too.
While I didn’t quit drinking completely in 2021—I quickly realized that I do need the liquid courage of alcohol when I’m at events like weddings, and sometimes I really enjoy drinking a cider or fruity cocktail, especially if I can’t taste the alcohol in it, ha—going through the machinations of quitting drinking helped me to become better at telling people that I don’t drink. It’s fine if you do, but it’s just not something I’m interested in. I don’t keep any alcohol at home (I once had a handful of White Claws in my fridge for at least a year, and that helped me to realize I don’t need to have alcohol at home). I don’t even own wine glasses! I’ll order a drink if something catches my eye, but I’m also just as happy sipping ice water or a soda.
These days, I’m not exactly sure where I stand with alcohol. I enjoy it, but I could also never have another drink again and I’d be completely fine. It’s not something I need, nor crave, on a regular basis. I wish it were more socially acceptable to be a non-drinker—not only to support recovering alcoholics, but also so people can say that they don’t like to drink without it becoming a conversation filled with questions and unnecessary opinions. It’s nobody’s business why you aren’t drinking, and that needs to be more socially acceptable.
My alcohol intolerance gave me a built-in excuse for not drinking, but I’ve also come to realize that I don’t need this excuse. I’m an adult that doesn’t really like to drink, and that’s enough.
Such a tough subject! And complicated. I used to love beer, but it just doesn’t make me feel good anymore. On the other hand, there’s something that just seems fun and celebratory about having a drink. I’ve been trying out different things, like non-alcoholic beers (meh) or “Sessions” beers that have a lower alcohol content. But mostly I just don’t drink much anymore. Honestly, it’s not good for you- but I get why people enjoy it. I also wish it were more socially acceptable to not drink. It sounds like you have the perfect group of friends- if your friends were big social drinkers, it probably wouldn’t work out well.
I also read the NGS post on this subject. It’s good to talk about it so the non-drinkers know they’re not alone1
I love a good celebratory cocktail, too, and I really understand why people drink and the joy that comes from sipping on a particularly delicious drink. But I also want it to be just as acceptable NOT to drink. A lot of times, I think people feel “sorry” for people who don’t drink or say things about how they could never do that… and it’s just rather silly!
Thanks for linking to my post on this topic. I obviously have lots of thoughts on it, but I just wish it weren’t such a ubiquitous part of socializing. I wish it could just go unnoticed when I’m not drinking. Anyway, I’m sorry that you have allergies that prevent you from just enjoying whatever you want whenever you want. But hopefully this is a change in your life for the positive!
I agree! It doesn’t need to be such a ubiquitous part of socializing – all social events do not need to center around alcohol! And not drinking should be just as accepted as drinking is. It’s just so weird that it has to be a CONVERSATION when you’re not drinking! Just let me enjoy my drink, alcoholic or not!, in peace, please and thank you.
Thanks for sharing your history off drinking with us! I am glad you got to experience it and feel good and weren’t held back by your family history or religion. It can be fun 🙂
And I really don’t think you should have to have an excuse now as to why you are not drinking. Like we don’t need excuses for most things we say no to. Sigh.
I definitely notice the drinking culture from talking to my friends (and some family). And like you said, if they have fun with it, that’s great! It’s not for me either, though.
Exactly – why do we always need an excuse for the things we say no to? It’s okay not to drink; it’s okay to drink! Some people just don’t want to drink for various reasons, and there doesn’t always need to be a conversation about it when that happens. I wish it were more socially acceptable not to drink.
I really enjoyed NGS’s post about drinking, too. It is sad that it’s such an area of focus in our society. There are a lot of reasons not to drink and it’s really not anyone’s business. I hated how people will watch if you are drinking to try to figure out if you are pregnant. There were times I wasn’t drinking because I didn’t want to and I felt I had to say – “I’m not pregnant, I’m just not drinking.”
In general, I do not drink very often. My general rule of thumb is to only drink in social settings and we have not done much socializing in the last 2 years! I will have some wine around special occasions, like I had a few glasses this weekend since it was my birthday weekend. I used to get boxes of wine and would have a glass a day during maternity as a sort of ritual to wind down the day. But I stopped that habit before going back to work. I am really mindful of how much I drink because there is some alcoholism in my family and I have an addictive personality. Phil also has a lot of alcoholism in his family. He has the occasional can of beer, maybe 3 times/week? He never has more than one unless we have friends over. I do enjoy getting a glass of wine when dining out but Phil often skips it since it’s so over priced! I am so so so particular about what I drink, though. Even before I knew about my gluten intolerance, I hated beer. And now I am super picky about wine and will usually only drink a couple of kinds of white wine. I don’t enjoy mixed drinks as they are often too strong and too sweet for me!
I was hoping that the culture around not drinking was improving since there have been new products developed, like shrubs for example – which is a concentrated mixture that is made from fruits and/or vegetables. I used to buy one regularly at the farmer’s market. It was made by a small company close to our house and on the company’s website, it talked about how the owner developed them because as an alcoholic, he wanted more fun N/A options. Of course you could add liquor to it, but I always drank it with tonic water. I also bought some N/A prosecco during my 2nd pregnancy and that was a fun treat to enjoy on a hot summer evening!
I remember when a friend WAS pregnant and didn’t have a drink with dinner and it never even crossed my mind to ask her why she wasn’t drinking. Once she announced her pregnancy, it clicked for me but not drinking is just very normal for me that I usually don’t even notice if someone chooses not to drink and what it means! I wish that were more normalized because a) there could be actual health reasons why someone isn’t drinking and b) if they ARE pregnant, they may not be ready to say anything.
I love that you wrote about this – and I loved NGS’s post about this too – and I should probably write my own, because I am now 45 years old and basically a non-drinker. I am saying basically, because I have had alcohol before but it’s been ONE glass on VERY RARE occasions. I’ve never gotten drunk, haven’t thrown up from drinking and doesn’t even really know where my tolerance limit is, because I’ve never pushed it. I will only drink alcohol that basically doesn’t taste much like alcohol and I will enjoy it for the taste, not for loosening up. In fact, it makes me very uncomfortable when I can actually start “feeling” the effects of the alcohol.
I do not have a problem telling people that I don’t drink. Luckily, I grew up with a group of friends that – after of course trying to get me to have a beer or wine -just simply accepted that I wasn’t going to be drinking and actually started counting on me as their designated driver. LOL (I was totally fine with it – it meant, everyone was going home when I wanted to go home).
All this to say: it should be absolutely normal and not require any explanation if someone doesn’t drink. Period.
I hope you write a post about your experience because I think this is just a subject that needs to be talked about way more than it is! It should be as normalized not to drink as it is to drink!
I enjoy wine a lot but have found that I can enjoy it less as I get older. It affects my sleep a lot now. That said, I still do enjoy it once in a while.
My husband is almost-a-non-drinker, in that he very rarely has a drink. People always ask questions about drinking/ not drinking, and I think it’s kind of rude! You should be able to say yes or no to a drink, without interrogation.
Exactly – turning down an alcoholic drink does not need to be a conversation! It is so crazy how it can turn into this real interrogation from people. I don’t really care if other people drink; go for it, if you like it! But I want those of us who choose not to drink, for whatever reason that is, to be as accepted.
I loved NGS’s post, and I am so glad you continued the conversation! Drinking really is so ubiquitous in our culture, isn’t it? I think I mentioned on NGS’s post that my parents are both wine drinkers, and — at least when we are together — they drink wine daily. I always fall into that habit when I’m with them — it normalizes daily drinking. But the truth is, they probably increase their drinking when we are together because it feels celebratory… and also, they are retired!!! They have totally different lives/lifestyles than I am, so I shouldn’t hold their behavior up as an example of what should be normal for ME. I do really like beer and wine and certain mixed drinks, but I find that I am just as happy with flavored water and a squeeze of lime. That said, I do enjoy an alcoholic beverage now and again, and, like you, I find it so helpful during social situations. Then again, I haven’t tried my flavored water with lime during a get together yet, so maybe that would do the trick too!
I totally understand what you are saying! This is how I feel when I go on vacation – I drink so much more on vacation because it feels celebratory and there’s just something decadent about drinking a cider for lunch on a weekday! And I think it’s fine to feel that way. I think it’s ALSO fine to not feel the need to drink on a regular day or a vacation day or whenever… and it doesn’t have to mean anything. I really do hope we get to a point in our society where we can normalize not drinking.
Thanks for sharing this! I’m always interested to hear about other people’s experiences with alcohol, especially how those experiences and relationships have changed over time. I’m absolutely sure I had a binge-drinking problem in college & for a while beyond; I honestly just loved getting drunk? Now I enjoy a drink here & there, but for the most part, I can’t imagine getting excited about getting drunk. And I’ve never been much of a drinker at home, so during most of the pandemic, I barely drank at all. As things started to open up again I’d have a couple drinks at a wedding or when we got together with friends — but recently, I was diagnosed with a gluten sensitivity, which has me trying to cut out beer, & I don’t even really LIKE anything other alcohol… so I’m pretty much out?!
I’ll admit that there are times when I do enjoy getting drunk – it really loosens me up in social situations and I enjoy the feeling of freedom I get from being drunk and having fun. It’s the magic elixir for those with social anxiety, I think! But I have had a complicated history of drinking and my semi-intolerance means it can be not as fun sometimes, and I just want us to normalize people not drinking alcohol in social settings. It doesn’t always need to be a conversation/interrogation.
I’m not allergic to alcohol, but I’m pretty much in alignment with San’s description, above. I had sips of (really gross) beer in college and HATED the college drinking scene. I pretty much avoided it as much as I could from the get-go.
Now, I’ll have a glass of prosecco or champagne or a very small glass of white wine 1-2 times a year when I visit my parents. That’s pretty much it. I like the taste of it but not the cost, and I don’t need it to enjoy a good dinner.
I’d rather spend my money on a book, to be honest. 😉