Belief

And no, I’m not talking about religious belief. I’m talking about self-belief. And the fact that I have none.

I went to a information meeting about my school’s newspaper a week ago. Although I know that I don’t want to work for a newspaper when I graduate, I still think it would be an awesome opportunity for me and look good on my resume. (Because, after all, isn’t that why we all try so hard?)

I left the meeting with mixed emotions. On one hand, I was extremely excited and looking forward to submitting my application and becoming a part of the staff. But on the other hand, weighing a lot more, were the doubts that crept into my mind.

In the meeting, there were people who seemed so much more capable than me to be a part of the newspaper. They were throwing out ideas left and right, getting involved, and asking question after question. And there I sat, quiet and doubtful.

Could I really be a part of the newspaper staff? Was I good enough?

This is probably the first time I’ve ever admitted this. And maybe it’s the first time I’ve ever seen it for what is is.

I don’t believe in myself.

And I long to come across as a self-assured, twenty-something. A girl who has experienced life, it’s highs and lows and has come out with a positive attitude. I want to be a girl who believes she can do anything she sets her mind to. But the truth is, I’m not.

I saw this last semester where I got 100% on every single paper I wrote in two classes. Instead of reveling in my successes, I had doubts. Did the professor really read that paper? Was it just grammatically sound, so she gave me the A+? Did she just skim through it and because she was behind on grading, just give me the A+ because it looked OK?

When I lost 25 pounds in 2007, I was probably at my highest point. I was active and healthy. I was losing weight and feeling good about myself. But when I gained it all back in 2008 and failed miserably any attempts at weight loss in 2009, doubts came crawling back. And now the only thing I feel every day when I attempt this healthy lifestyle is doubt. Can I do this? Remember all those other times you failed? Yeah, you’re doing good now but just wait a month. You’ll fall back onto old habits.

It’s really hard to live a successful, capable life with doubts. It has held me back from so much in life. It’s become a part of who I am and I long to rid myself of this heartache.

But how does one attain belief in oneself? Tough question. If I knew the answer, I wouldn’t have doubts. I don’t think there’s any miracle cure. I can’t swallow a pill, drink a shake, or read a book to achieve self-belief. It has to come from inside me.

Maybe it’s just taking all those doubts and keeping them in the forefront of my mind as I venture into unknown lands. Maybe I just need to prove to myself first and foremost that I can do anything I set my mind to. I can get this newspaper job, scary as it may seem, and do my best to be a success. I can keep eating healthy and exercising and not let setbacks hold me down for long. And stop looking at it as a way to lose weight, but a way to become healthy. And I can take every good grade I receive as recognition of my talent. And give myself some credit where credit is due.

What about you? How is your self-belief?