About Me

Categories: About Me

My Journey to a Psoriatic Arthritis Diagnosis

It started with back pain.

This was near the end of September, maybe a week or two before I was set to spend a week in London. It was my thoracic vertebrae and this intense feeling that I needed to crack my back. The pain then spread to my entire upper back, so I went to urgent care, got muscle relaxers, and hoped that would be the end of it.

When my back pain still wasn’t better after coming home from London, I saw an orthopedist. X-rays were taken, spine looked fine. He ordered a prescription anti-inflammatory (celebrex), more muscle relaxers, and physical therapy.

Then, my hips started hurting. It was little things: standing up took longer, walking up and down stairs was difficult, and getting down on the floor to clean the litter boxes every night was painful. My IT band had been tight for a while now, and I was finding no relief from PT, heat therapy, and stretching.

I went to a different orthopedist (same practice, different specialty). More X-rays, no hip issues. He gave me a steroid shot in both hips because perhaps this was a simple case of hip bursitis. The steroid shot helped for a day or two, and then I was back to being in pain. He also prescribed a high dose of meloxicam as well as more physical therapy.

Still, there was no relief. My hips still hurt. My IT band was still incredibly tight. And I started noticing that I was having a lot of shoulder pain and achiness. I chalked it up to the hip pain. Maybe it was the way I was bracing myself when I sat down or stood up, and that was causing stress to my shoulders.

And then I saw the commercial.

This was mid-December. I was watching the Survivor finale with my mom, and we watched a commercial that said something to the effect of, “Do you have psoriasis? Are you experiencing joint pain? You could have psoriatic arthritis!”

I do have psoriasis (scalp psoriasis), and yes, I’ve been having joint pain for months.

Immediately, I started googling. What is psoriatic arthritis? What are the symptoms? Is this why all of these typical treatment methods that should help something like hip bursitis or tendinopathy aren’t working?

The problem was that my company had just been bought. We were in the beginning stages of this transition, and I was still waiting to find out the details of our health insurance plan. I didn’t want to schedule a rheumatology appointment using one health insurance plan, only to find out that the new health insurance wasn’t accepted at this office. And then, for some dumb reason, I thought I had to wait until I had my insurance card (or at least a digital copy) to set up the appointment, so I waited until January 2nd.

The earliest appointment was the end of January, which was a huge disappointment. I know specialists are harder to get quick appointments with, so I should be grateful it was only a few weeks of waiting. But I was just in so much pain, and I couldn’t fathom living like this for another few weeks.

Alas, I did. It was a rough start to the year. Let’s take a break from storytime to discuss all of the aches and pains I’ve been dealing with over the past few months:

Shoulder pain – Using my arms to brace myself when getting out of bed or from a seated position on the floor was excruciating. I also haven’t been able to lift my arms higher than parallel to the floor.
AC/SC joint pain – I am an expert on this joint now! The AC joint connects your collarbone to your shoulder joint, while the SC joint connects the other side of your collarbone to your sternum. This is a very common area for psoriasis arthritis pain. And surprise! These joints are crucial to almost everything we do. Sitting, standing, moving our arms, typing, turning over in bed… this pain sucks.
Sausage finger – My left ring finger started hurting a few weeks ago. It became swollen and difficult to bend. Even touching the finger hurt, so I started keeping a brace on that finger to protect it. Thanks to this sausage finger, I couldn’t even brush my hair with my left hand because I couldn’t grip the hairbrush! That’s lovely.
Elbow pain – For people without psoriatic arthritis, this is typically called golfer’s elbow or tennis elbow (because I had both!). Gripping anything with this arm caused shooting pain, and sometimes it would just ache and ache for no reason at all.
Hip pain – We’ve been over this. My hips have been on the struggle bus since October. I can’t sleep on my side because it puts too much pressure on my hip. I have to oh-so-slowly straighten to a standing position when I’ve been sitting because my hips get so stiff.
Tight IT bands – I love sitting criss-cross applesauce. I love tucking one foot under my other leg when I’m sitting. I love being able to put on socks and shoes without excruciating pain. This tight IT band has been awful.
Knee pain – A few weeks ago, my left knee decided to join in the fun! The interior side of my knee is tender and aching, making it hard to walk and even straighten that leg. WHY.
Achilles’ tenderness – This one has been going on for a while, and it’s another classic sign of PA. It’s only on my right side, but it makes walking hard and for a while, I had to go up and down stairs one at a time because putting too much pressure on that heel was no bueno.

Needless to say, it’s been a very painful and difficult few months.

Yesterday, the day I had been waiting for and counting down to arrived. It was rheumatology appointment day! Cue all the celebration emojis!

The rheumatologist spent a lot of time with me during this appointment, listening to me discuss my symptoms, doing a full examination of all my joints, and taking me through some mobility exercises to determine my range of motion. At the end of the appointment, she confirmed that I likely had psoriatic arthritis. She ordered blood tests to check for inflammatory markers, rule out rheumatoid arthritis, and establish baseline lab numbers (for things like kidney function, white/red blood cell counts, etc). She also wants me to get X-rays to determine if there are any bone or joint changes—she doesn’t think there will be, but wants to have updated X-rays to compare once I begin treatment.

And, the best news of all, she started me on prednisone! Maybe some people wouldn’t consider this happy news, but as someone who has been in chronic pain for five months and hasn’t had a good night of sleep since then… I am over the moon. The doctor wanted me to wait to start prednisone until I got my blood tests done, so what did I do? I hopped over to the Quest Diagnostics app immediately after the appointment and scheduled a blood test! I got it done within 15 minutes of finishing my rheumatology appointment because I was not going to wait to start prednisone.

I took my first dose yesterday (starting at 24mg, although my baseline will be 10mg until I’m in a treatment protocol), and as I’m typing up this post eight hours later, I’ve noticed such a difference in my body. I can stand up without pain. I reached for a plate in a cabinet with my right hand (the one with the elbow flare), and I didn’t feel shooting pain up my arm. My sausage finger is not as swollen. I was able to get down on the floor to clean out a litter box, and while it was still a little difficult (especially standing up since my AC/SC joint is still achy), it was easier than it has been in many, many months.

There’s a lot to be determined, of course. I have a follow-up with my rheumatologist in two weeks to discuss my bloodwork and X-rays, and then determine the right course of treatment. It may take some time to find the right medication/dosage, and I may have flares during that period. But right now, I feel like I have a new lease on life. I did not want to get diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune condition, but if I have to have one, then so be it. I’m glad I finally have a reason behind all of my pain and a caring doctor who is ready to help me get on the right track to feeling better.

(I’d like to give a special hat tip to Lisa, who has always been like a big sister to me and even more so now, as someone who is further along in this autoimmune arthritis journey and has been such a helpful resource. Knowing I’m not in this alone has helped more than she’ll ever know!)

Categories: About Me

Thirty-Eight

Today is my 38th birthday.

There are just two years left in my thirties. Mind-boggling. I have high hopes for my forties, but for now, I want to relish being in my late thirties.

There’s a lot that happened this year. Mainly, my physical health suffered a lot. There was really bad bloodwork in January that prompted an immediate change to my diet to stave off a Type 2 diabetes diagnosis (success, although I’m still prediabetic). On the heels of that came carpal tunnel pain that was keeping me up at night and making my life miserable. A steroid shot right in the nerve made things a lot better, although the symptoms have started to return after 6-ish months, which means surgery is probably the next step. Then came GI issues (basically, chronic diarrhea for 5 months) and a slew of tests to rule out anything serious, including a colonoscopy! And maybe the colonoscopy prep reset my GI tract? After the procedure, everything went back to normal. (And all the tests came back negative for anything serious.) I’m capping things off with back, neck, and IT band pain that has been my constant companion since September. I’ve done chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, daily sessions with my heating pad… nothing has made it feel better. Next up: possibly an MRI and trying dry needling (<– a Nicole suggestion!)? I dearly hope this pain doesn’t follow me into 2026.

One of the lines I wrote in last year’s birthday post was: “Will I be typing up this birthday post next year from a beautiful, two-bedroom apartment? I really hope so.” Past Stephany, you are! Moving to a two-bedroom apartment has been one of my biggest dreams for so long. When I originally started living on my own in 2016, there weren’t too many apartments in my budget. I settled on a tiny one-bedroom (550 square feet!) that was under $700 per month, which was all I could afford. Once I started working from home during the pandemic, I desperately needed to upgrade to a bigger place. At first, I was working from my kitchen island because I didn’t even have a desk at home! And then I bought a tiny desk that I had to shove right next to my bed, and I really hated that my sleeping space and my work space were right next to each other. So I upgraded to a large one-bedroom apartment (718 square feet!) and used the corner of my living room as my “office.”

That apartment worked well for me, but what I really wanted was a two-bedroom apartment so I could better separate my work life and my non-work life. But finding that magical apartment was a journey. Not only did I need an apartment in my price range (ideally, under $2,000 per month) but I’d prefer one with just one bathroom because what do I need two bathrooms for? And then I found the unicorn: a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment under my price range and it came with two months free rent!

It’s now been a little less than a month since I officially moved in, and I am so, so happy here. I love having so much extra space that I don’t know how to fill it. I love having shelves in my kitchen that are empty. I love that Eloise can do pretty substantial zoomies every night thanks to a long hallway and a bigger living room to run around in. I love the office and being able to have a separate space for work. I love that I’m no longer on a busy street so leaving isn’t a stressful endeavor. I love the luxurious bathtub and feeling like a queen when I take a bubble bath. I love having a washer/dryer that is so quiet that sometimes I forget that I’m washing clothes. This change has been a long time coming, and I’m just so happy to get more settled in as the months progress.

I didn’t date much this year, and I’m starting to wonder why I don’t feel that desire to do so. Is it because dating so far hasn’t met any of my needs? It’s exhausting to be on the apps and to message with people only for things to fizzle out for unknown reasons. Or to go on dates that are fine, but not the kind that will lead to anything serious. And I have tried to be someone who dates casually and doesn’t make a big deal out of dating, but honestly, I’d rather be at home with my cats on a Friday night than spending time with someone I just feel “fine” about.

A few years ago, I was dating someone, and it was getting serious. One Friday night, we had plans to hang out. I was going to stay over at her place, and then we would have breakfast in the morning. And I just remember sitting in her car on the way to dinner, and this sudden restlessness came over me. “I just want to be at home,” I remember thinking. It wasn’t about her, but rather an overwhelming urge to go home. The whole evening stretched out in front of me, and I suddenly didn’t have the capacity for it. Something in me just wanted the familiarity and comfort of my own space. At the time, I chalked it up to the newness of a relationship that was blossoming into something real and that uncomfortable feeling of change. Even good change can be wildly uncomfortable.

In the end, that relationship didn’t last, and I can’t stop thinking about that feeling I had in her car. It makes me wonder if I will ever find someone I’m willing to change my life for. I’m not even talking about massive change, just small things like not having my weekends all to myself and limiting how much time I spend on my hobbies. I have lived so much of my adult life on my own and have become such a creature to my own habits and routines that any little change to my everyday life feels unbearably hard.

The truth is, I love being single and living alone. I find myself scrolling through the dating apps because I feel like I should want to be in a relationship. And then I swipe and swipe and swipe, and nobody matches with me, and man, there’s nothing more demoralizing than getting the notification from Bumble that I’ve reached my swipe limit for the day, and have nothing to show for it. Not great for my self-esteem! So then I just forget about the apps and dating and the whole shebang for a few months. Then, friends ask me about my dating life or tell me exciting news about their other single friends who have found love, and I feel like I’m disappointing them by not having any funny dating stories or exciting news of my own to share.

I guess where I’m going with this is that I still hope that I will find that forever partner, someone who makes me so incandescently happy that I want to give up some parts of my singleness for. But I also know my life is already so full without this person, and it will continue to be so if I never find them.

This past year has not been my favorite (see above, re: physical ailments), but there have been good moments. There was a reading retreat and two girls’ weekends and an Orlando vacation with my mom. There was London, which was the most fun time! There were super fun book club experiences, like a cheesy JCPenney photoshoot, bingo night, and fancy afternoon tea. There was the (stupid) Fight for Air Climb and climbing 914 steps. There were fun adventures with Jenny and Birchie (cat cafes & art museums & bookstores, oh my!) There was the podcast and recording 22 episodes this year – a record for us! There was cleaning up my diet and losing 18 lbs and making great progress in my fitness abilities. I tried new things and grew closer to old friends and continued to try to be the kind of people manager I would want for myself.

It was a hard year, but I’m coming out of it with a fresh perspective about what I want for my life. I’m thinking about things like how to lower the inflammation in my body (which I believe has been the catalyst for all of my physical ailments) and how to make my new apartment a home and how to be a better friend. I want to continue losing weight, not because I need to fit into smaller pants but because I want to continue lowering my A1C and get my heart disease numbers out of the danger zone. I want to return to therapy and work through some of those stubborn thought patterns that keep holding me back. I just want to continue striving to be the best version of myself.

Here’s to 38 – may there be fewer doctor visits and more beautiful adventures.

Categories: About Me

10 Things About Me

Thanks to NaBloPoMo, there are quite a few new readers here and I thought I would take the time today to do a little “get to know me” post. Here are 10 things about me:

1) I’m a cat mom.

My darling girls are named Eloise (tuxedo) and Lila (calico). I became a cat mom at the end of 2018 when I adopted Eloise, who a kind woman had taken in but couldn’t keep. It was my first time owning a cat and I had a lot to learn! A few months later, I adopted Lila from a local animal shelter. They are both 7 years old and I am completely obsessed with them. They are so affectionate and adorable and funny. I don’t know what I would do without them!

2) My mom is my best friend, my favorite travel companion, and someone I talk to multiple times a day.

My parents split up when I was in fifth grade, and since there was domestic abuse involved, it was the kind of separation where I was just relieved we were getting out of that situation. My mom worked so hard to establish a healthy living environment for my brother and me, and she was my safe space throughout my life. As I grew up, our relationship changed, and now she’s my best friend. We talk on the phone multiple times a day, and it’s rare for us to go more than a few days without seeing each other in person.

She’s my favorite travel companion, and we’ve done a dozen cruises together, two international trips, and numerous domestic vacations. We work very well together when we’re on vacation, although we’ve been known to have some epic fights.

Since my mom is my favorite person, she’s also my #1 anxiety trigger. If I call her or text her and don’t hear back immediately, I assume something is wrong. She now knows to text me a quick “I’ll call you back” if she can’t answer the call because she’s in a meeting or out and about. I’ve trained her well. 😉

3) I have an older brother, and we are both estranged from our father.

My brother is 14 months older than me, and we are fairly close. He is married with two kids and lives nearby. Growing up, we operated a bit like frenemies and bickered constantly, but we grew out of that as adults.

We are both estranged from our father who is not a good man. In 2010, I tried to explain all of the ways he had hurt me and affected my well-being through a letter, and his response was incredibly hurtful and demeaning. I knew I needed to sever our relationship as a radical act of self-love and care for myself. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make (I was only 23 at the time), but it was ultimately the right one. I still hold out hope we can reconcile, but I also know there is a very slim chance of that ever happening. It took a lot of therapy to come to terms with this estrangement and develop my own sense of self-worth separate from my dad.

4) I live in Florida and have lived here my whole life.

The politics here suck. The weather is abysmal from May through October. And hurricane season is no joke (my area got hit with back-to-back-hurricanes last year). But god I love Florida even still. I live in the Tampa Bay area, which is a more progressive part of Florida, so that helps a bit.

If I could live anywhere else, I’d probably pick North Carolina. It would allow me to experience all four seasons, but winters wouldn’t be too miserable for this thin-skinned Florida gal.

5) The past two years have been filled with physical ailments.

It started in April of last year when I was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea, recording over 40 apneas (aka, periods when I stop breathing for 10 seconds or more) an hour. I started CPAP therapy in September of that year and noticed a difference almost immediately in my energy levels!

This year has been one ailment after another. Let’s recap:

Diabetes – When I got bloodwork done at the beginning of the year, my A1C was very high and my doctor gave me 3 months to work on my diet and exercise habits to see if that would help bring down the number. And it did! So no official diabetes diagnosis, but I was still in prediabetes range so I need to continue working to lower my A1C.
Carpal tunnel – I have moderate carpal tunnel syndrome, which means I’m a candidate for surgery. I’ve put off the surgery for now, but it’s likely something I’ll do in the next few years.
GI issues – I went through a gauntlet of tests to figure out why my GI was so messed up. I did a stool sample (SO GROSS), extra bloodwork, an abdominal ultrasound, and a colonoscopy. Everything came back clean, and a few weeks after the colonoscopy, the GI issues cleared up. A part of me wonders if I “reset” my GI with all the prep work?!
Fibroids – I started having really heavy periods with extremely painful cramping sometime last year. I talked about it on this blog, and Michelle recommended getting tested for fibroids. Lo and behold, all my period pain is because I have two fibroids in my uterus! The solution is endometrial ablation, but that would mean firmly closing the door on getting pregnant (I’m about 85% sure I do not want kids, but it’s that nagging 15%…). I tried hormonal birth control but that dropped me into a severe depressive episode and I’m not keen on trying something else. The other option is an IUD, which I’m considering.
Trigger finger – I developed trigger finger in the index fingers of both hands. I went to the ortho, got steroid shots, and now the right finger is starting to show symptoms again. Ugh. I can get two more steroid shots before I have to consider surgery.
Chronic back/hip pain – This is what I’m dealing with now! It started with pain in my thoracic spine that became trapezius strain that became hip/IT band pain. It’s a whole mess. I’m doing chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, and some prescription meds for now.

6) I came out as queer a few years ago.

It was a long road to come to terms with my sexuality. I grew up in the evangelical Christian church, and during the 90s/early aughts, it was all about purity culture and saving yourself for marriage. I didn’t even think of my sexuality as a thing that could be explored until my late twenties, and as I did, I realized that I did not only want to date men, but I also really wanted to date women. I identify as bisexual, and I have had a lot of fun exploring the queer side of myself over the past few years!

7) I co-host a podcast about personality with my best friend Bri.

It’s called The Friendship Paradox! I am an introvert and Bri is an extrovert, and we talk about all the ways our personalities intersect with our lives. Bri and I are very different and very similar in many ways. This podcast is not very popular and there are ways we could try to spread the word about it to get more listeners, but right now, we’re just enjoying ourselves with this little passion project. It’s also a fun way for us to connect with each other!

8) I work a 100% remote job in the digital marketing field.

I looooooove working from home. Before the pandemic, I was going into the office four days a week with one work-from-home day. And then the pandemic happened, everyone started working from home, and my company learned that everyone was just as productive (if not more!) while working from home. They never did any sort of return to the office mandate; instead, they sold our big office in Tampa, downsized to a smaller coworking space, and announced that we were going to be 100% remote. Oh, happy day!

I enjoy what I do (content marketing) and I don’t let myself get too stressed out about it. I’m not client-facing, so that helps with the stress levels for sure!

9) I live alone and love being single.

I have been living alone for 9 years now, and I don’t know if I ever want to live with another person ever again. I mean, I hope I will one day find someone who is worth living with, but it’s not pretty out there in the dating world. I love having my own space. I love that I can decorate exactly the way I want and nobody is messing with my organizational system or eating my food. I love that I don’t have to deal with other people’s energies while I’m at home. I don’t have to deal with other people’s routines and habits and smells and belongings. It’s quiet and peaceful and my safe place. It is so, so nice to live alone.

10) I’m a voracious reader and have read more than 100 books a year since 2017.

Reading is my favorite hobby, and I take my identity as a reader very seriously. I keep a detailed reading spreadsheet, manage multiple TBR lists, and update my Goodreads and Storygraph accounts daily. I am very proud that I have read more than 100 books for 8 years in a row, simply because it means I am making time for the thing that brings me the most joy and peace and happiness: reading. It’s not really about the number. It’s about engaging in something that makes me feel the most like myself.

I’ve written more than 1,600 words about myself (omg), but hey, if you have any other burning questions to ask me, fill out my form and I’ll do a Q&A later this month!

How long have you lived where you live?

Categories: About Me

Never Have I Ever…

I’ve enjoyed all the “Never Have I Ever…” posts that have been floating around blogland lately, and I thought it was beyond time for me to do one of my own. I also remembered that I have done these posts before – November 2011 (I was nearly 24) and August 2016 (I was 28). And now it’s been a whole THIRTEEN YEARS since that original post. It was really fun to look back on those lists and see everything that I’ve accomplished in the years since.

So, I’m going to break this post into a few parts: my current Never Have I Ever’s, “And Now I Have…” (those “nevers” that I’ve accomplished), “Still Haven’t… and Probably Never Will” (“nevers” that will probably stay that way), and “Never Say Never” (“nevers” that I’d like to accomplish at some point in my life).

Let’s dive in!

My Current “Never Have I Ever’s”…

Hosted a dinner party

Even thinking about hosting a dinner party gives me anxiety. First, there’s the whole ordeal of cooking food and planning a menu and making sure everything comes out at the same time. LOL, NO. Then, there’s the idea of being a hostess and greeting people and making sure they have a drink and a place to sit and whatever else they need. I am not good at that! And lastly, the mess that would be left behind! The mess! After spending all of my mental energy thinking about the logistics of the dinner party and then having to be “on” during the party and then afterward I have to clean??? Absolutely not.

Traveled further west than Chicago

This feels WILD to me, but it’s true! I really have not explored the western part of my country as much as I should. I would love to do a Grand Canyon vacation at some point and explore Arizona. I want to visit Seattle and Portland and Los Angeles and Austin. Of course, it is my dream to do an Alaskan cruise and spend some time in Hawaii. It’s hard to fit in all of the travel I’d like to do while also being a single person who also needs to make rent. Bah.

Sang karaoke

I really want to do this! And there have been two specific times (on cruise ships, no less!) where I have nearly gone for it, but I’ve always chickened out. We have a place here where you can rent out a room to do karaoke with friends, which is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think that would ease me into real karaoke!

Been on a jury

I’ve only been called for jury duty one time, and while I did go through the whole jury selection process, I ultimately wasn’t selected, so I got to leave early. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to be part of a jury, but other times, I don’t know if I could stomach the whole process of sending someone to prison.

Joined Snapchat

I was in my mid-to-late twenties when Snapchat took off, so the craze definitely missed me. I have never had a Snapchat account and think I would get very overwhelmed by how it all works.

Had braces

We didn’t have the money for braces when I was growing up, even though I desperately wanted them so I could be “cool” like all my friends. These days, I feel very self-conscious about my teeth and my smile as a whole. I often smile without my teeth because my teeth are small and I think I look weird when I smile with them. I’ve considered some sort of veneer option to improve my smile, but the cost is fairly high.

And now I have…

Owned a car – Three, in fact. (Laila, my xB; Gladys, my Soul that was flooded during a hurricane; and Ruby, my current car)
Kissed a boy – And some women. 😉
Painted a room – I helped my mom paint her office when she moved into her home.
Owned a cat – I’m a proud cat mom of two!
Gone parasailing – My mom and I did this in the Bahamas on one of our cruises, and it was SO MUCH FUN.
Gotten a tattoo – I have five and want more.
Flown on a plane – So many times, but I didn’t take my first plane trip until I was 24.
Been inside a Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods – I’ve only been inside Whole Foods once, but TJ’s is one of my fave places.
Been drunk – My favorite experience being Bri’s wedding where book club shut down the dance floor.
Met a celebrity – Does Taylor Jenkins Reid count? I’ve also met some NFL players.
Been completely financially independent – Young Steph would be really impressed with Current Steph who is not only financially independent but lives alone.
Been to Chicago – I’ve been twice now!
Read anything by Jodi Picoult – Surprisingly, the only Jodi Picoult book I’ve read is The Storyteller.
Cut my own hair – I cut my own bangs regularly when I had them. Does that count?
Played the lottery – Before 2020, when I went to an office full-time, I participated in a big lottery pool with coworkers. Sadly, we never won.
Swam with dolphins – Did this on a cruise excursion and it was a lot of fun!
Been to a wine tasting – Only once and it was fine. Wine isn’t my drink of choice so I can take or leave it.
Flown internationally – I’ve only flown once internationally (to Ireland), but will be making that twice in a few weeks.
Gone to a bachelorette party – Bri’s bachelorette was a lot of fun!
Gotten a facial – Lots of them!

Still haven’t… and probably never will:

Watched Game of Thrones – Too graphic for this highly sensitive person!
Gotten a spray tan – I just don’t see the point.
Participated in Black Friday – Now that we can do Black Friday online, why would I ever do it in-person?
Run a marathon – HAHAHAHAHA no way.
Gone bungee jumping or sky diving – I don’t think I’m brave enough for either of these thrill-seeking adventures.
Been a Maid-of-Honor – I’m in my late thirties. I don’t think this is happening for me.
Climbed a tree – I am way too risk-averse for this.
Smoked a cigarette – Just ew.

Never say never…

Traveled solo – It’s something I want to do, but right now, I’m perfectly happy traveling with other people.
Gone to a professional basketball game – I think this would be fun! But I’m just not into pro basketball, so it’s not something I would seek out myself.
Used a moving company – I will hopefully mark this one as complete in October!
Eaten ribs – I’m not opposed to them, but they don’t appeal to me on a menu.
Watched an episode of Seinfeld – I should definitely watch this series at some point.
Been to Washington D.C., New York City, or L.A. – I’d love to visit all three of these destinations!
Lived in another state but Florida – Listen, I want to get out of here. This state sucks. And with the way climate change is progressing, I don’t think there will be all that much left of Florida in another few decades. I should probably get out when I can!
Been in a long-term relationship – I very much desire this, but I also very much hate dating.

Have you ever been on a jury? Is there something on this list that surprised you?

Categories: About Me

Some Thoughts on Motherhood, as a Childless Thirty-Something

A few months ago, Bri and I released an episode of our podcast about our thoughts on motherhood. We’re both childless women in our thirties, one of us is married and the other is not.

In that episode, I was pretty clear about my thoughts on motherhood. I will be 38 this year and I don’t envision any scenario where I will have children. I don’t love the idea of being an “older” mother and I really, really love my childless life. I’m single, and I have been single for my entire adult life, aside from a few short relationships here and there. I don’t feel any compulsion to be a single mother, which means in order to become a parent, I’d need to find my forever partner. And y’all, things are just not going well in that department so it makes motherhood feel like even more of an impossibility.

After we published that episode, I had an appointment at my gynecologist’s office. Typically, my gyn appointments happen at a different office, and at that office, it’s rare for me to see pregnant women or women who have just had babies. It’s mostly just women like me going for their annual well-woman’s checkup. However, this office had ultrasound machines, so it was where I had to go to get checked for fibroids.

The first thing I saw when I stepped into the office was a young couple, planning out their next few obstetrician appointments. She was a few months pregnant, and it was pretty adorable to see how excited they were. As I took a seat in the waiting room, I saw another pregnant woman waiting with her husband.

And it was then that I started to have some complicated feelings about motherhood and pregnancy.

I grew up as an evangelical Christian, and there was an expectation for girls that we would grow up, get married young, and have babies. And, of course, those babies would be white, heterosexual, and also want to further the kingdom of God. Growing up, I always thought that was my path. I would get married to a strong Christian man and start having kids in my mid-twenties. I envisioned having three, maybe four, children. (FOUR CHILDREN CAN YOU IMAGINE.)

But that’s not how my life worked out, and I am ever so grateful for that. First, being single and childless allowed me the space to deconstruct my faith and figure out what I truly believed. Second, it allowed me to come to terms with my own sexuality and my queer identity. And third, it gave me time to discern if I really wanted children at all. Did I care about being a mother? Did I want tiny humans running my life?

As my twenties turned into my thirties, and then my early thirties turned into my mid-thirties, and then my mid-thirties had me inching closer to 38… I began to acknowledge that perhaps motherhood wasn’t to be my path. And maybe that was a good thing. I looked at my friends with kids and realized how hard their lives are. It’s a good kind of hard, and it is filled with incomparable love and affection, but it’s still hard. It’s exhausting and never-ending and sometimes boring and very, very expensive.

Was this a defense mechanism? Was my brain just trying to protect my heart from my true desire? As a woman, shouldn’t I have a biological drive to procreate? Until recently, I didn’t consider any of that. I’ve never felt the ticking of any biological clock, I never get baby fever, and I feel really awkward around most children. And do I really want to bring children into this world? Who even knows what our planet will look like in 30 years when today, it feels like we’re living in a dystopian novel with every extreme weather event that happens.

It is the ultimate womanly experience, though, isn’t it? Which is very heteronormative, I understand, but sometimes my cavewoman brain breaks free and I think in these black-and-white dichotomies. Pregnancy is something I always thought I would experience. I didn’t think I would love it, but I did want to experience it. The feeling of growing a life inside my own body and going to appointments to hear my baby’s heartbeat and creating a nursery for this new person who would rock my world. I didn’t long for the whole giving birth part of motherhood because it sounds pretty horrific and I get anxiety just thinking about leaving the hospital with a baby I’m supposed to take care of and keep alive and watch 24/7. But thinking about having this tiny human that is mine and calls me mom and that I could give the same level of safety and comfort that my own mom gives me… that feels beautiful. That feels like the purpose of life.

But maybe that is all societal conditioning. Society tells women that they are biologically designed to be mothers, that it is the most important job in the world, that to not want to have kids is weird and wrong and misguided. For my childless women out there, how many times have you been told that you just cannot understand love until you have a child? Because I’ve had people say that to me many times. (Which is truly a rude thing to say, and can be especially hurtful for women who are trying to conceive, but aren’t having success. Stop saying that!) This societal conditioning is what keeps us stuck. The idea that all women should want to have kids and if they don’t have that desire, they’re lying to themselves, is wrong.

I struggle with regret. Not regret of things I have done in the past, but anticipatory regret. I think about being 10 years older, 20 years older, 30 years older than I am right now. What will my life look like? Will I regret this decision I made in my thirties to not have kids? Will I feel like something is missing from my life? Right now, I don’t have any regrets about not having children. And I firmly believe that if I don’t regret it now, then I won’t in the future. Because if I really and truly felt that pull toward motherhood, I would find a way to make it happen. Even if I had to be a single mother, I wouldn’t let that stop me.

But the truth is that I love my childless, partner-less life. I am happy with my decision not to have kids, even though this was not the life my younger self envisioned for me. She would likely be really sad I never got married and never had those four children! I love being single and living alone. I love that my money is my own and my time is my own. I love that I can come home to a silent apartment and take naps when I want and that a whole day of doing nothing is something I get regularly. I love being a cat lady and I love being Auntie Steph and I love that I have so much free time to engage in my hobbies.

And I love that there is nobody in my life who is pressuring me to get married and have kids. On the podcast episode, I mentioned that my mom has never pressured me because she got married and had kids young, and then got trapped in an abusive marriage for more than a decade. She didn’t want me to make the same mistakes. But when I talked about this with her, she gently pushed back. “It’s more that I don’t think you have to follow the same path as everyone else. If you are happy being single and childless, then that’s all I want for you.”

It’s been weird to have these complicated feelings about motherhood, especially since I thought I had come to terms with all of this years ago. The truth of the matter is that sometimes I think about what I am missing from the human experience by not being a mother. I think about the fact that my mom doesn’t get to be a grandma to my children. I worry about getting older and not having anyone to take care of me in my old age.

I think it’s completely normal to have these complicated feelings about motherhood, even for those of us who have come to terms with our childless state and aren’t interested in changing it. Society thrusts so many expectations on women, and becoming a mother is certainly near the top of that list. (And not just being a mother, but being the best mother.) I don’t think, as women, we are designed with a biological desire for procreation. I think we are designed with a desire toward connection and love, and that can take many forms. It can come from children, but it can also come from romantic partners and best friends and family members and community groups.

As I type up this post on a rainy Tuesday night in my silent apartment, I feel so grateful for my life. I am grateful for my kitty cats (even though they are hiding right now, thanks to some scary thunder!) who let me be “mom” in a completely different way. I am grateful for the messy kitchen where I spent time tonight making a meal for myself (and no one else). I am grateful for the candle glowing on the counter and the books filling my bookshelves and the blog posts I’ve bookmarked to comment on. I am grateful that I am going to schedule this post and then Facetime with my mom, and then do my nighttime routine while listening to a podcast without headphones. I am grateful for this life, even if it looks different than the life I imagined, because it is mine and it is a good one.