Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

NaBloPoMo 2022: The Finale

Happy November 30th – also known as, the end of NaBloPoMo!

It’s always a little bittersweet to end this challenge because I just have so much fun with it and the community that goes along with it. This year, we had such a great group, too, the largest it’s been in years (which is all thanks to San and her unfailing devotion to this challenge and getting people excited about it). While it was very difficult keeping up with everyone’s posts, I tried my best and I definitely have a lot of posts to go back to and read when I get back from my vacation. Expect some late comments on your posts, friends!

I am also really grateful to our non-NaBloPoMo-ers who cheered us on from the sidelines, keeping up with our array of posts and leaving thoughtful comments. There were a lot of you, but from the top of my head, I want to specifically call out Nicole, Kim, and Lisa, three busy ladies who always leave great comments and did an awesome job keeping up with all of these extra posts from us!

I am looking forward to slowing down my post schedule, for sure, and trying to catch up with comments on my own blog. I’m woefully behind!

I am excited to participate in NaBloPoMo in 2023, and I think I really want to challenge myself to write more stream-of-consciousness and shorter blog posts. I have an affinity for writing long blog posts that I spend a lot of time on, but there is also goodness in shorter blog posts. Just because I’m not writing and revising a blog post for over an hour doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of being published on my blog.

In fact, I think that’s where I’ll leave this blog post. I’m clocking in under 300 words so far, which usually is just the beginning for one of my typical blog posts. But why? I’ve said what I needed to say and it’s fine to keep things short and sweet. I hope the other NaBloPoMo-ers enjoyed the journey as much as I did. I’m excited to keep following along on your blogs once November ends!

Categories: About Me

Thirty-Five.

Today, I’m 35 years old. I’m officially halfway through my thirties. What in the world?!

I’m celebrating my birthday on a cruise, as you are all well aware of by now. I’ll be waking up in the Bahamas, enjoying the sights and sounds of Royal Caribbean’s private island, and taking a hot air balloon ride with my mom. Later today, we have reservations at the steakhouse on the ship. It should be a lovely way to welcome in this new age.

The biggest thing that happened in my life this year was being promoted to a manager! I knew this promotion was coming because my director and I talked about it during a mid-year review in 2021. I spent most of last year gaining more experience leading projects and developing my voice as a leader until, at the end of January, my promotion was announced!

It was a little wild to go from being a senior writer who was writing upwards of 60 pages of content a month while handling our contractors’ workloads and being the lead writer on a ton of important accounts to being a manager. It was an adjustment period! There were a lot of months where I didn’t feel busy enough. It’s something I talked about with my director and she assured me that feeling is very normal, and this new position is almost like being in a new job. The first few months are usually pretty weird because you don’t have all of your responsibilities yet and things can feel a little boring at first.

The pace of my work life has definitely increased, though, as I’ve taken on new projects and grown into this new role. I feel really confident as a manager, although I do have my days when imposter syndrome creeps in. But I really like helping people and being a mentor for my writers, and I hope I’m providing them with the level of support they need.

Age 34 was a rough one for my anxiety. I spent a good amount of this year worried about something unexpectedly happening to my mom. She’s my person, you know? Everyone has that one person. It might be your partner or a best friend or a mom. I’m terrified of something happening to her, and not having my person in my life anymore. How unbalanced I will feel when that happens.

I went back to therapy this year because the anxiety was becoming overwhelming. I connected easily with the first therapist I reached out to. I still feel really, really lucky about that. One of the things I love most about therapy is the way I can talk about one anxiety trigger I’m struggling with, and my therapist can help me see where it’s all coming from. For me, it almost always stems from my childhood. I had a very traumatic childhood, and sometimes I forget how bad things were because even though my father was abusive, I had an amazing mother, supportive grandparents, and an extended family who loved me. But much of my anxiety stems from never developing healthy coping skills as a young child, and my brain still connects my mom as my safe haven in a chaotic world. And not having that safe haven is terrifying.

A recent realization for me is that I want to stop living as if my mom is going to die at any minute. Could it happen? Yes. Of course. It can happen to any of us. But I am stealing the joy of having my mom here by miring myself in these anxious thoughts. There will be a time when she is not here, but that time is not now, and I want to sink into her love and support, make more memories, and just enjoy every second I have with her.

I didn’t go on a single date this year. Twice, I had messaged with people on a dating app, set up the date, and then had them cancel on me the morning of the date. Twice. It turned me off from wanting to do much on dating apps after that. I’m still using the apps, but not in the way I should be using them. (Responding to messages promptly, swiping frequently, etc.) I’m just not feeling a huge push toward dating right now. Or maybe I’ve never really felt that push toward dating? I grew up in an evangelical Christian environment, so getting married (and getting married young) was a normal part of the coming-of-age process. I always thought I’d get married in my early twenties and have kids in my mid-to-late twenties. But that didn’t happen for me, and I’m glad it didn’t, but now I’ve been single for so long that it is what is comfortable for me. It feels good, but then sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have someone by my side. I think about being queer and how I want to have more relationships with women. Alas, it’s not always that easy. Dating apps are a cesspool and it’s hard to garner anyone’s attention on them.

One of the things I’ve spent most of my thirties working on is accepting my fat body as it is. It’s a hard thing to do in a world that celebrates thinness and believes in a so-called obesity epidemic. I believe that it is totally possible to be fat and healthy. It is also totally possible to be thin and unhealthy. One’s waist size or BMI does not tell an accurate picture of health. However, I know I am not healthy. I have risk factors for heart disease. I deal with hypoglycemia, which is likely due to being overweight. And there are parts of my body that I just don’t like, as much as I have tried to love them. A double chin and neck rolls are cute on a baby, but not so adorable on me, is what I’m saying.

I need to start a journey toward healthy living, but I’m scared. Every time I have tried to do so, I’ve been unhappy. I don’t want to diet because diets don’t work and they’ve never worked for me. I’m not going to be joining Noom or WW or any of those groups. I wish intuitive eating worked for me, but it just doesn’t. And I don’t want to become obsessed with calorie or macro counting. I want to be healthy in a way that feels good. I want it to feel like loving acceptance of who I am and where I want to be.

Good things this year: I started a podcast with my best friend and I’m having way more fun with it than I ever thought I would. I traveled to Canada and New York, saw Niagara Falls in person, and explored Toronto. I strengthened my friendships and had a really awesome girls’ weekend with two of my close friends. I excelled at work and feel a real sense of purpose in what I do. I went to a flower farm. My best friend had another baby. Olive celebrated one year of being cancer-free and got her chemo port removed. My nephews turned 14 and 7. My city escaped from getting flattened by Hurricane Ian, and I was able to safely evacuate with my family. And I got to celebrate turning a brand new age in my favorite way: on a cruise ship.

This year hasn’t been without its hardships, but when I look back on age 34, I feel really grateful for where I am in life. I’m happy. I’m healthy (ish). I have strong relationships with my family members and my friends. I have a job I love that pays me well. I feel the motivation to strive to meet goals and better myself. It’s a good life, and I’m excited to see what awaits me at 35.

Categories: About Me

Ask Stephany Anything | Round 3

Hi, friends! Happy Saturday, and happy cruise eve to me! Eeks – I’m so excited to finally take off on my little birthday adventure.

Today is round 3 of Ask Stephany Anything, and I’m answering all of the questions that Kim posed for me in my post. She always asks really amazing questions!

I still have more questions to answer from you guys, so never fear: a follow-up post will be coming in December. (And if you want to add questions to my list, you can fill out my form.)

If you could only listen to ONE podcast, what would it be?

Probably The Popcast. I mean, I mentioned Knox and Jamie (hosts of The Popcast) in my A-Z Thankful list, so it makes sense that if I could only listen to one podcast for the rest of time, it would be theirs. They make me laugh, give me great recommendations, and publish a breadth of topics. They’re a pop culture podcast, sure, but they go way beyond what most pop culture podcasts talk about.

If you could only go on a cruise for vacation or a road trip for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Cruise, please! I am not a huge fan of road trips, so this is an easy decision. Cruising is my favorite way to travel!

If you could only get takeout from ONE place forever, what would it be?

Oh man, this is hard! I’d have to choose pizza since it’s my favorite type of takeout food. But which pizza place do I choose?! The one with the best pizza but lackluster sides? The one with good pizza and lots of great sides? Decisions, decisions. I’ll probably choose Fortunato’s Italian Pizzeria, which is one of my favorite local pizza places.

If you could only do game night OR football Sunday, which would you pick?

Football Sunday! I love having game nights with my brother, my mom, and my nephews but it’s gotten a lot more chaotic as we add more people to the mix. And we can’t play any of the adult party games with the boys being young, hehe. Football Sundays, though, are just my favorite thing ever. I love them and never want to give them up!

What one word would you like removed from everyone’s vocabulary?

Obese. I think this term is simply used to denigrate fat people. The BMI scale has been shown time and time again to be an inaccurate measure of health, and as such, labeling people as obese just because their height and weight are in a specific range is not a helpful indicator of health, either. Obesity is not a disease, and this term has simply been used to dehumanize people and make them feel less than. We can do better.

What is something people rave about but you just don’t get the appeal?

I just wrote a whole post about popular things I don’t really like, so there are five big things for ya!

What’s underrated about where you live? What’s overrated?

I think our museums are underrated. We have some really great ones, including the Dali Museum! And it should come as no surprise that I think our beaches are overrated. They’re so crowded, and there are so many more fun things to do in our city than go to the beach.

What is your favorite thing about Cat Lady Culture?

I think it’s fun to see how much personality cats really do have! Before I became a cat mom, I was under the very wrong assumption that cats aren’t very social and don’t have much personality. I couldn’t have been more wrong! Cats really do have the best personalities: they’re silly, they’re funny, they’re sweet, and they’re super smart. I love that my Instagram algorithm sends me lots of cute cat videos all the time.

When will you graduate from being baby queer to queer? (I hope that question is not offensive! I thought the term baby queer was really cute)

Haha, this question is not offensive at all! My first relationship with a woman was also her first queer relationship, so we referred to each other as baby queers and I, too, thought it was cute. I still consider myself a baby queer because I’m still very new to the queer community. I’m still trying to understand where I fit. When will I graduate? Who really knows? I am very happy to call myself a baby queer right now, and I figure I’ll know when I have graduated. 😉

What ONE book do you think everyone should read?

If I could only pick one book to recommend to people for the rest of time, I’d choose Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. That book is just phenomenal.

What’s something underrated/overrated about where you live?

Categories: About Me

Some Things I Wish I Liked

We all have them: things that are popular with other people that, for some reason, you just don’t like. Maybe it’s Taylor Swift or podcasts for you. Or maybe it’s one of the five things I have listed here. If you love any of these things, I’m happy for you! We can still be friends, right?!

Tea

I want to like tea. I really do! How nice would it be to make myself a nice cup of tea in the afternoon to help get me through a tough work task? But alas, it is just not something I like. I have tried. There are some teas that I do not mind (must be very, very, VERY fruity) but I would never choose tea over any other beverage. I’m sure there is a learning curve to liking tea that I could go through (one of my close friends didn’t like tea at all but has learned to like it over time), but I just don’t know if I care that much to try it out.

Running

Or exercise in general, really. As I’m reading through older blog posts for my blog recategorization project, there are so many posts about running. I wanted to love running so much and I gave it so many tries. I ran so many races, you guys. And sometimes it was fun, but mostly it was painful and boring. At some point, I just stopped trying because what’s the point of doing something you hate? There are so many other ways to exercise! Also, while I have found ways of exercising that I don’t loathe in the way I loathe running, it’s still not something I enjoy. Sure, it feels good and I feel accomplished when I do it but if I had to choose 30 minutes of moving my body vs 30 minutes of laying on the couch, I’m always going to pick the couch.

The Beach

I live in Florida and I am within minutes of an array of gorgeous beaches. Beaches that people travel to visit. And yet I cannot remember the last time I have been to the beach. I do not like the beach. It feels like a lot of work for very little payoff. You have to gather up all your things and schlep them to the car. You have to drive to the beach and try to find parking. You have to pay for said parking. You have to schlep all your things to the beach and find a spot that’s far enough away from the rowdy groups but still gives you a nice view. You then have to BE AT THE BEACH. Where it is hot and sandy and gross. And swimming in the ocean? No. There is treacherous terrain, waves that want to bowl you over, STINGRAYS, and salty water that stings like a motherfucker when it gets in your eyes. I wish I wasn’t such a crab (ha) about the beach because when it’s really nice outside, it is a lovely place to be. You can’t beat the view and it’s one of the favorite hobbies of so many people who live here. But it’s not for me.

(Okay, as I was writing this post, I remembered that I did go to the beach this summer, but it was a dog beach with Chip and Lucy.)

Movies

This year, I had a goal to watch 12 movies. One movie a month – that’s all I had to do! Do you want to know how many movies I have watched in 2022? Two. Two movies. I watched Marry Me (the Owen Wilson/Jennifer Lopez rom-com) and Where the Crawdads Sing. That’s it. I really wish I was better at watching movies, but I’m not. If I’m going to sit on my couch for 2-3 hours, I’d much rather watch a few episodes of a TV show rather than one entire movie. I keep trying to be a movie person, but I always find other ways to occupy my time.

Water

My dislike for water is well-documented on this blog. I love it when I’m thirsty, but I’m not someone who really gets thirsty (unless I’m spending time outside or it’s at nighttime; I get very thirsty at nighttime, probably my body screaming at me for dehydrating it), so it’s not something I reach for very often. While I want to be one of those healthy people who drinks a few cups of water every morning right as they wake up, blech. I can’t do it! Water is just so tasteless and joyless for me. (I’ve tried flavored water, and it’s not the same.) Out of all the things on this list, though, this is the one thing I’m going to keep trying to like because I have to. Water is essential to life and I have got to get better about drinking it regularly.

What’s something everyone else seems to like that you don’t like?

Categories: About Me

3AM Anxiety Thoughts

It’s 2:45 AM on Sunday, and tonight has been difficult.

My anxiety is always worse at night (I’d guess it feels this way to most of us), and tonight, my brain hasn’t wanted to shut off for anything.

Anytime I have a night I don’t sleep well, whether I’m having trouble falling asleep or keep waking up from bad dreams, I worry that this is my subconscious’s way of telling me something terrible has happened. When I’m startled awake from a bad dream, it’s not because I had a bad dream; it’s because something just happened to my mom. And my body knows it right away. If I’m having trouble falling asleep, maybe it means there’s something medically wrong with me.

Ellie has also been quite the pill tonight. If she’s not trying to sleep on top of me, she’s poking me with one of her paws, loudly meowing in my face, or running around the apartment causing a ruckus. I started thinking that the reason she’s doing all of this is somehow linked to these thoughts I’m having that something happened to my mom overnight. Maybe she knows.

(Anxiety brain is a weird place, let me tell you.) But how would she know? Why would she know? It’s a silly thought, but one I can’t get out of my head. Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Amidst the chaos, exploring alternative methods like mindfulness or therapy can be helpful, but for some, considering options like buy THC Italy might offer a different path towards relief. If you use cannabis at night and you need to go to work in the morning, you may want to know the best ways to sober up from marijuana.

And then I thought, what if she’s being like this to tell me that something happened to Lila? 

Lila hasn’t jumped up onto my bed since earlier last night. What if something crazy happened tonight and she died?

I got up from bed. Lila was sitting on the couch, just fine. I gave her a pet, relieved beyond belief to see her alive and well.

Then I realized their food bowls were completely empty… and I know for a fact that I forgot to fill them up Saturday morning. How long had they been without food? Oof. I know I filled them up on Friday, and they don’t always need to be refilled every day, but it was not my finest cat mom moment. I filled up the bowls and Ellie immediately scarfed down a portion.

So that’s what this has all been about, my sweet little Ellie-Bellie. You were just demanding food after I bragged on the blog about how my cats don’t do that. Although, in this case, it was warranted and I’m glad she did. I just wish I had figured it out before I spent four hours with my anxiety brain which in case you also do, you will like your doctor to prescribe this CBDDY: pure cbd oil. You can find various marijuana products safe for consumption at Everyday Delta. You may also consider trying a sugar moon vape by space club to help with your anxiety.

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I really wish nighttime could be a comfort, and not a terror. Bad things happen at night, as my brain continually reminds me. I know there are things I could do to help my brain when anxiety strikes me badly at night. I’ll probably text my therapist later today to see if she has advice. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t alone at night, if that would help. Would I feel better if I could physically touch or see someone next to me, and know there’s another person there? Or would it make me feel even more alone to have these thoughts while someone sleeps soundly next to me? (Would I feel comfortable waking them up…?) Or maybe I’d need to have a safe word. I could just say “Cinnamon” and they’d know I’m having spiraling anxiety thoughts, and reach out to comfort me. But damn, what a burden to place on someone else. This is what always stops me from talking about my anxiety with other people. It’s a burden they don’t need to bear. Even though I know they usually CAN bear it and want to help me when I’m spiraling like this. But why should they have to?

I also wish I didn’t have this recurring fear that my mom will suddenly die in her sleep. She gets regular checkups and blood work done, so it’s not like there could be some underlying heart issue that we never knew about. But it’s a fear because it happens. People do unexpectedly die in their sleep. I’ve talked extensively with my therapist about this fear I have that something awful is about to befall me. It likely has to do with my childhood. I lived in flight-or-fight mode for nearly my entire childhood, and maybe reverting to it in adulthood is my way of coping. Still, I wish I could have a bad night of sleep and just be annoyed that I’m going to be tired the next day. I wish I didn’t have a bad night of sleep and immediately assume the worst.

I don’t have any interesting way to wrap up this post. And I’m not going to publish it until I can do a “wellness check” on my mom tomorrow morning and make sure all is well. But right now, I’m going to try https://braintap.com/ and then go back to sleep and hope anxiety brain calms itself down.

[Update, 11AM: I was able to fall back asleep after drafting this post. Ellie settled down, now that her belly was full, and curled up next to me until I woke up around 9:30AM. Mom is fine. I Facetimed with her this morning. Anxiety brain strikes again.]