Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Some Things I Wish I Liked (v. 2)

Suzanne gave me the inspiration for this post, and she got it from Elisabeth. And in the midst of writing this post, I realized I had written something similar last NaBloPoMo, so maybe this is a new NaBloPoMo yearly post? Ha. Here are five more things I wish I liked:

Alcohol

Sometimes, I like alcohol. A fruity cider or cocktail can be delicious. But sometimes, alcohol makes me break out in hives and sometimes, I get a drink that’s just a bit too strong and I end up diluting it with ice cubes. I’ve yet to find a type of wine that I enjoy. I find beer disgusting. And even if I do order a drink that is tasty, it’s still never as good as an ice-cold Dr. Pepper.

Having explored various activities recently, I found that participating in https://cliftoncocktailclub.co.uk/cocktail-making-class/ was a uniquely enjoyable venture. The class was structured in a way that catered to both beginners and those with some experience, ensuring everyone could learn something new while having a great time. The atmosphere was welcoming, and the instructors were incredibly knowledgeable, sharing their passion for cocktail making with all of us.

Early Mornings

I want to like early mornings. I used to, mostly out of necessity. I worked the early-morning shift at a daycare in college so I was out the door by 5:45 a.m. Monday-Friday. When I was working in an office, I needed to be out the door by 7 a.m. most days, which meant if I was going to exercise before work, that alarm was going off at 5 a.m. or earlier. But the pandemic changed me and I am no longer someone who can handle early mornings. I find it difficult to get my day started, I’m constantly behind on my morning routine, and it’s a good day if I’m at my computer by 8:30 a.m. (We have flexible start times, but still. I don’t love that I get my day started so late!) Can I retrain myself to love early mornings, or do I just need to accept that they’re not for me anymore?

Tomatoes

I’m stealing this one from Suzanne. Life would be so much simpler if I liked tomatoes. There are so many recipes that I immediately snub because they have tomatoes. I find tomatoes to be slimy and gross. They ruin meals. But I wish I liked them! People talk about eating tomatoes on their own like it’s some sort of treat and I just cannot understand that life.

Music

I’m not a music person. I don’t seek out new artists to listen to and I barely know what songs are popular these days. I listen to my Taylor Swift playlist on Spotify and that’s about it. I wish I had more of an affinity for music, but it’s just never been something I’ve been attuned to. Maybe it’s because I was “forbidden” from listening to anything other than Christian music growing up, and listening to secular music felt like sinning against God. I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s meant that music just isn’t something I’m into.

People

Okay, this one is going to make me sound like a terrible person but let me just get it all out. I wish I liked getting to know people. I wish I was someone who could make small talk with my neighbors and knew everything about their lives. I wish I enjoyed group events and didn’t get so nervous about being around people and having to make conversation. I wish my mind didn’t blank out when I’m trying to talk with someone new. I wish I didn’t get annoyed if a grocery store clerk chatters on about her day. I think my social anxiety really plays a role in the way I interact with people. Social anxiety makes me suddenly aware of my body and the way I’m standing and my facial expressions and if my stomach is protruding too much and omg, will they ask if I’m pregnant? Social anxiety makes my mind just erase all of my thoughts completely and stringing together a coherent sentence feels impossible. The world just begins to feel very loud and overstimulating very quickly, and man, I wish it just felt normal to me.

Your turn! What’s something you wish you liked? Do you agree or disagree with me on any of these points?

Categories: About Me

Depression Toolkit

I think I am starting to feel the beginnings of a depressive episode. I had one during the holiday season last year—there is so much I love about the holiday season, but then the devil on my shoulder likes to say things like, “What if your whole family died and you had nobody to spend Christmas with?” And then I get sad and depressed, thinking that one day Christmas might look a lot different than it does right now.

As luck would have it, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I was able to talk to her about these feelings. (Side note: Does anyone else have trouble with that, “How are you doing?” question from your therapist/psychiatrist? I always give the pat, ‘I’m doing well,” answer until I realize no, dummy. They want to know for real. This isn’t the grocery check-out clerk who is making small talk!)

Right now, the main symptoms I’m experiencing are fatigue, lack of motivation, and lack of focus. Brain fog, I guess you could call it. I just find it very hard to get out of bed in the morning and get my day started. Sometimes I spend an hour or more just scrolling through my phone and trying to get my day started.

My psychiatrist and I worked through some ideas for how to keep the depression at bay without changing my meds (she left that decision up to me, and I declined for now).

A better sleep routine

My psychiatrist said that it’s important to be asleep by at least 11 p.m. because our brain does the most repair work during the hours of 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. I don’t know how true this is or what “repair work” fully entails because I wasn’t able to find anything about it in any sort of scientific publication. She mentioned that my late bedtimes could be leading me to feel foggy and fatigued because my brain isn’t able to do all of the repair work it needs. It sounds a little hokey, I can’t lie, but I’m also willing to test it out and see if I feel better and more focused after adhering to a 10:30 p.m. bedtime for a few weeks.

Sunshine and walks

My psychiatrist is a big proponent of sunshine and how it can affect our mental health. This week has been so dreary and I haven’t seen the sun in almost a week, which means I haven’t been going on my walks. (This was just an excuse. I could have gone on my walks, but ugh. It was so dreary!) She encourages me to “get sunshine on my eyeballs” daily as that affects melatonin production, which in turn, affects my sleep. My goal is one 15-minute walk every day.

Routine, routine, routine

I thrive in a routine. As much as I wish I could be more free-wheeling with my time, I work so much better when I know exactly what I’m doing during each hour of the day. So, I need a routine and here’s what I’ve come up with for weekdays:

  • 6:30 a.m. – 7:00 a.m.: Alarm goes off and I have 30 minutes to myself. I can snooze the alarm, scroll Instagram, play a game on my phone, whatever I want.
  • 7:00 a.m. – 7:30 a.m.: Get up, brush teeth, feed the cats, take a shower, and get dressed. (If it’s a non-shower day, I can read a book on the couch once I finish the above tasks.)
  • 7:30 a.m. – 8:00 a.m.: Eat breakfast
  • 8:00 a.m. – 8:30 a.m.: Morning routine
    • Morning skincare
    • Make bed
    • Put away dishes from last night
    • Take meds
    • Do my hair/make-up (if needed)
  • 8:30 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.: Working block (ideally, I’d use Pomodoro to keep me on task and keep my break times minimal)
  • 12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.: Break time
    • Eat lunch
    • Go for a walk
    • Read blogs/work on blog posts
  • 2:00 p.m.- 5:30 p.m.: Working block
  • 5:30 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.: Chores
    • I need to be better about doing cleaning chores around the apartment. I want a dedicated time each day to work on this. I’d pick one cleaning task per day and any other miscellaneous tasks. I’d also use this time to scoop the litter boxes so they don’t need to be done during my nighttime routine.
  • 6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.: Dinner + a TV show
  • 7:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.: Dedicated time for blogging or reading (maybe I switch off each day?)
  • 8:30 p.m. – 9:30 p.m.: Nighttime routine
    • Nighttime skincare
    • Tidy apartment
    • Load dishwasher
    • Brush teeth
  • 9:30 p.m. – 10:30 p.m.: In bed (reading, scrolling on phone, ASMR videos, etc.) with lights out at 10:30 p.m. at the latest

This is, obviously, my ideal schedule and it doesn’t include things like naps and or weeknight plans. But at the very least, it gives me a broad idea of what I should be doing at specific hours of the day so I can stay on task and get stuff done. My goal is to try to follow this schedule as much as possible over the next few weeks and see how it changes the way I feel.

In the realm of personal development, the significance of mental health cannot be overstated. It’s essential for individuals to have access to reliable resources that can provide insightful assessments and actionable guidance. A professional’s insight into one’s mental health can illuminate the path forward, helping to navigate the complexities of treatment options and therapeutic strategies. Access to comprehensive psychiatric evaluations by qualified professionals is crucial for anyone looking to understand and improve their mental health, ensuring that each person’s journey is as informed and effective as possible.

What time do you usually go to bed?

Categories: About Me

Thankfulness Survey (v. 1)

In 2013 and 2019, I completed this fun gratitude worksheet (which you can find here). It was very interesting to look back on my answers—in a not-surprising turn of events, a lot has changed in a decade! I thought I’d return to this worksheet to reflect on all of the different ways I’m feeling gratitude and thankfulness right now. Part II will come next week. 🙂

1) I’m most thankful for my ability to live an independent life. It’s something that can be all too easy to take for granted. I am able-bodied, I am financially secure, and I was born at a time when I didn’t need to be married to have something as simple as a bank account. I love the independence that comes with living on my own and making my own schedule, and I am so grateful for the ability to do that.

2) At this moment, the thing I love most about my family is their acceptance of me. Since the last time I completed this survey, I have come out to both my mom and my brother. Even though I know they love me and want what’s best for me, I was worried about how coming out would change our relationship. Did they need some time to process this news? Yes, of course, and I don’t fault them for that at all. But it didn’t change our relationship at all, and perhaps even made it stronger now that I’m not hiding such a big piece of my identity from them.

3) Something that made me smile today was watching the girls get excited when I brought out some Christmas garland. What is it about shiny garland that they think is the most delightful place to sleep? We have beds, girls! Lots of them!

4) The best thing I smelled today was the scent from my air freshener. The scent is from Bath & Body Works and it’s “pumpkin apple.” I kept getting a delicious waft of it as I worked in my kitchen this evening.

5) One of the memories I’m most grateful for is book club vacations. We have had many wonderful trips, although we’ve put our vacationing on hold starting in 2020. We’re hoping to make a 2024 vacation happen. I miss traveling with my friends!

6) Thank goodness someone taught me how to French braid my hair! I am thankful to my friends for showing me in person and helping me figure out the mechanics of it. I’m also thankful to YouTube tutorials that helped me get the intricacies of French braiding down pat. I was able to cross off a 2023 goal because of it!

11) The best song I heard today was New Romantics by Taylor Swift. I had to run some errands during lunch and queued up my Taylor Swift playlist on Spotify to get me through the driving.

12) When I look inside my closet, I’m grateful for the clothes that make me feel good. I no longer wear clothes that don’t make me feel good. If I feel awkward or uncomfortable in something, it goes straight into a bag that I’ll take to Goodwill. Life is too short to wear clothes that don’t make me feel amazing!

13) I’m lucky that I’m smart enough to figure out how to help myself. I am a problem solver by nature, so this means when I’m going through any sort of anxiety spiral, stressful moment, or depressive episode, I want to solve the problem. Sometimes, there is no way to solve it, but oftentimes, there is. It’s scheduling an emergency therapy appointment, taking a mental health day from work, or reaching out to a friend. I have learned what I need to do when I do start feeling mentally unwell, and I make it happen.

14) In this moment, what I love most about my friends is their honesty and vulnerability with me. Mental health is a big subject within my friend group because we all struggle in some way, and knowing these friends have my back when I’m going through something hard is priceless.

15) I’m grateful that my hands can hold a warm Starbucks peppermint mocha because it is FINALLY peppermint mocha season, and I am here for it!

What has made you smile today?

Categories: About Me

My Most Neglected Sense

A few weeks ago, I took Gretchen Rubin’s test to find out my most neglected sense. I honestly wasn’t sure which one I was going to get.

Sight? Hmm, maybe not. I find great appreciation in pretty things. A sunset, blooming flowers on a tree, landscapes on vacation, beautiful pictures of my cats (ha).

Taste? I’m a picky eater, so does that count? But damn, I love eating food that tastes really good to me. That first sip of a cold Dr. Pepper, a really juicy orange, a gooey chocolate chip cookie, a tortilla piled high with seasoned beef and cheese. Mmm!

Smell? Oh god, this can’t be it. I am so sensitive to smells! Good smells and bad smells alike. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just lose our sense of a type of smell? If I never had to smell when my cats gave me a very special present in their litter boxes, I would be a happy gal.

Touch? I am not a touchy-feely person, so maybe. I love a good hug from someone, but it’s not something I seek out. Then again, I do love other kinds of “touch,” like the feeling of a soft blanket wrapped around me while I’m reading or cool sheets as I slip into bed or the way Eloise and Lila feel under my palm.

Hearing? Hmm… maybe. I am very sensitive to loud noises. One of my least favorite things is to go somewhere for a meal, only to find out they’re playing live music. It can feel physically painful to my eardrums when I’m in a loud environment. I’ve never been someone particularly drawn to listening to music. One of the things I love about working from home is that I can keep my apartment pin-drop silent throughout the day. I once tried to work with a few coworkers and they had no problem writing while an old episode of The Office played in the background. I wrote one sentence during the 20-something-minute episode. ONE. SENTENCE.

Once I took the quiz, I was not all too surprised to learn my most neglected sense is hearing. The more I thought about it, the more it made… sense (pun?). I’m a highly sensitive person, which means certain environments can be hell on my nervous system. Things that wouldn’t bug other people (most people like to hear live music!) feel physically painful for me. I’ve had to remove myself from loud environments because I’m so uncomfortable. (How did I handle the Taylor Swift concert? Y’all, I don’t know. Maybe because I was prepared to be in a super-loud environment and because it was my girl Taylor, I was able to handle it better than a “surprise” loud environment.)

After taking the quiz and finding out my most neglected sense, Gretchen Rubin provides a long list of recommendations; experiences to seek out to allow me to better engage with my hearing sense. What I loved about the hearing recommendations is that they weren’t all about doing things that required, well, hearing. She recommended investing in noise-canceling headphones, removing noisy alerts from my phone, and trying an audiobook subscription. I think knowing that hearing is my most neglected sense and being clear on why (being an HSP) is going to help me feel less guilty about how much I despise live music or how little I use my Spotify account (for anything other than listening to Taylor’s newest release, oops). And maybe I can start cultivating some hearing experiences for myself, like visiting a sound bath and making an upbeat playlist for myself, so I can engage with this sense in a way that works best for me.

What is your most neglected sense?

Categories: About Me

The Colbert Questionert | My Answers

Have you heard about The Colbert Questionert? I first heard about it on a podcast when the hosts went through the questions together and I loved it so much, I wanted to answer the questions on my blog. Let’s do it!

1) Best sandwich?

When I was a kid, there was this hole-in-the-wall shop near my mom’s work that mostly sold meats and cheeses, and they also made the best subs ever. The bread was fresh, the turkey was delicious. My brother and I got a lot of subs from that shop. The shop is no more, but I still think of those subs fondly and I’m desperate to find a sub that tastes as good as those. I’m a simple gal when it comes to sandwiches, a turkey sandwich is good for me. Recently, I’ve tried branching out when it comes to my toppings and my new favorite sub is turkey with pepperjack cheese, onion, pickles, cucumbers, salt and pepper, and Boar’s Head deli dressing. Yum, yum!

2) What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?

This one is hard because I don’t really keep things around that I should throw out. In fact, I’m the type of person who will throw something out and then a couple months later realize I needed that thing. Oops. I should probably throw out some of my sports bras and replace them, though. I can’t remember the last time I bought a sports bra!

3) What is the scariest animal?

Sharks. My brother loves them, but they terrify me. On my trip to Chicago with my mom, we went to the Shedd Aquarium and they were showing a short documentary on sharks and I don’t think I will ever be the same. Sharks are vicious!

4) Apples or oranges?

Oranges! I’m a Florida girl—we love our oranges here.

5) Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

Do author signings count? I didn’t literally ask them, but I did stand in line and thrust a book in their faces to sign. Taylor Jenkins Reid signed Daisy Jones and the Six and Lisa Unger signed The Stranger Inside.

6) What do you think happens when we die?

Honestly, I have no idea. Growing up, I believed in the evangelical Christian idea that there is a Heaven and a Hell. Those who accept Jesus Christ into their hearts get to live with Jesus in Heaven and those who do not suffer eternal damnation in Hell. The thought of facing eternity in Hell was so traumatic and terrifying to me. Do I believe that they exist? No, I don’t. Do I love the thought that Grandma and Pops are together in Heaven and I’ll see them again someday? Yes, I do. But these days, I think I mostly believe that we cease to exist and we live on in future generations and the memories of our loved ones.

7) Favorite action movie?

The Italian Job. There was a summer where I watched that movie on a weekly basis, and it’s a movie I think about way too frequently. It was funny and heartfelt and the final action scene was so well-done. GIMME.

8) Favorite smell?

It’s hard to name just one smell. I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee, old books, Christmas trees, pumpkin-scented anything, and… gasoline, if I’m going to be weird.

9) Least favorite smell?

Ugh, wet cat food. The way my room gets stinky after a cat has used the litter box for a very specific purpose. Garbage.

10) Exercise: worth it?

Yes, it’s worth it. It’s good for our cardiovascular health! I’m just lazy about doing it.

11) Flat or sparkling?

Sparkling. Give me all of the LaCroix, please. Once I found out I could use sparkling water for hydration, all bets were off.

12) Most used app on your phone? 

Overcast because I am always listening to podcasts.

13) You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

Damn, this is a hard one! I might choose a classic hymn like It Is Well With My Soul but the version sung by Jars of Clay because it has a great beat.

14) What number am I thinking of?

14.

15) Describe the rest of your life in 5 words.

Knowing what’s best for me.

What are some of your favorite smells?