Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

3AM Anxiety Thoughts

It’s 2:45 AM on Sunday, and tonight has been difficult.

My anxiety is always worse at night (I’d guess it feels this way to most of us), and tonight, my brain hasn’t wanted to shut off for anything.

Anytime I have a night I don’t sleep well, whether I’m having trouble falling asleep or keep waking up from bad dreams, I worry that this is my subconscious’s way of telling me something terrible has happened. When I’m startled awake from a bad dream, it’s not because I had a bad dream; it’s because something just happened to my mom. And my body knows it right away. If I’m having trouble falling asleep, maybe it means there’s something medically wrong with me.

Ellie has also been quite the pill tonight. If she’s not trying to sleep on top of me, she’s poking me with one of her paws, loudly meowing in my face, or running around the apartment causing a ruckus. I started thinking that the reason she’s doing all of this is somehow linked to these thoughts I’m having that something happened to my mom overnight. Maybe she knows.

(Anxiety brain is a weird place, let me tell you.) But how would she know? Why would she know? It’s a silly thought, but one I can’t get out of my head. Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Amidst the chaos, exploring alternative methods like mindfulness or therapy can be helpful, but for some, considering options like buy THC Italy might offer a different path towards relief. If you use cannabis at night and you need to go to work in the morning, you may want to know the best ways to sober up from marijuana.

And then I thought, what if she’s being like this to tell me that something happened to Lila? 

Lila hasn’t jumped up onto my bed since earlier last night. What if something crazy happened tonight and she died?

I got up from bed. Lila was sitting on the couch, just fine. I gave her a pet, relieved beyond belief to see her alive and well.

Then I realized their food bowls were completely empty… and I know for a fact that I forgot to fill them up Saturday morning. How long had they been without food? Oof. I know I filled them up on Friday, and they don’t always need to be refilled every day, but it was not my finest cat mom moment. I filled up the bowls and Ellie immediately scarfed down a portion.

So that’s what this has all been about, my sweet little Ellie-Bellie. You were just demanding food after I bragged on the blog about how my cats don’t do that. Although, in this case, it was warranted and I’m glad she did. I just wish I had figured it out before I spent four hours with my anxiety brain which in case you also do, you will like your doctor to prescribe this CBDDY: pure cbd oil. You can find various marijuana products safe for consumption at Everyday Delta. You may also consider trying a sugar moon vape by space club to help with your anxiety.

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I really wish nighttime could be a comfort, and not a terror. Bad things happen at night, as my brain continually reminds me. I know there are things I could do to help my brain when anxiety strikes me badly at night. I’ll probably text my therapist later today to see if she has advice. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t alone at night, if that would help. Would I feel better if I could physically touch or see someone next to me, and know there’s another person there? Or would it make me feel even more alone to have these thoughts while someone sleeps soundly next to me? (Would I feel comfortable waking them up…?) Or maybe I’d need to have a safe word. I could just say “Cinnamon” and they’d know I’m having spiraling anxiety thoughts, and reach out to comfort me. But damn, what a burden to place on someone else. This is what always stops me from talking about my anxiety with other people. It’s a burden they don’t need to bear. Even though I know they usually CAN bear it and want to help me when I’m spiraling like this. But why should they have to?

I also wish I didn’t have this recurring fear that my mom will suddenly die in her sleep. She gets regular checkups and blood work done, so it’s not like there could be some underlying heart issue that we never knew about. But it’s a fear because it happens. People do unexpectedly die in their sleep. I’ve talked extensively with my therapist about this fear I have that something awful is about to befall me. It likely has to do with my childhood. I lived in flight-or-fight mode for nearly my entire childhood, and maybe reverting to it in adulthood is my way of coping. Still, I wish I could have a bad night of sleep and just be annoyed that I’m going to be tired the next day. I wish I didn’t have a bad night of sleep and immediately assume the worst.

I don’t have any interesting way to wrap up this post. And I’m not going to publish it until I can do a “wellness check” on my mom tomorrow morning and make sure all is well. But right now, I’m going to try https://braintap.com/ and then go back to sleep and hope anxiety brain calms itself down.

[Update, 11AM: I was able to fall back asleep after drafting this post. Ellie settled down, now that her belly was full, and curled up next to me until I woke up around 9:30AM. Mom is fine. I Facetimed with her this morning. Anxiety brain strikes again.]

Categories: About Me

Ask Stephany Anything | Round 2

Happy Saturday, friends! I’m answering more questions from you guys today, and all of these questions come from the wonderful Engie (as Nicole has coined her, and I am stealing). She asked some really great questions that were fun to answer. If you have a question for me, you can fill out my form and leave a comment on this post!

What book(s) do you recommend to people over and over again?

It really depends on the person. Like, I’m not going to recommend my favorite romance novel to someone who doesn’t enjoy romances. But generally, here are some of the books I feel pretty confident recommending to people:

  • Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed – One of my all-time favorites that is chock-full of great advice. This book helped me begin to heal and move forward after becoming estranged from my father. Cheryl’s advice is always spot on!
  • Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi – Gosh, I just loved the way this book was written. It goes back and forth between the lineages of two sisters: one who is sold into slavery and taken to America and the other who marriages a rich Englishman and lives a life of luxury. Each chapter is dedicated to a descendant of these sisters, showcasing the impact of slavery, British colonization, and war. It’s incredible and well worth the read.
  • Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski – This is the kind of book I want to shove into the hands of every woman I know, and most especially those who feel a little “broken” when it comes to sex and that’s why so many enjoy site like ehocams.com for their sex lives. As someone who grew up in purity culture and was told again and again that sex was wrong and bad (unless in the confines of heterosexual marriage), I have a lot of issues around sex and this book truly transformed the way I viewed sex and who I am as a sexual being and I even read this hands free vibrators reviews to get toys to use too. It is not graphic, but rather is like sitting down with a super smart sex therapist who just wants every person to have a happy, healthy sex life, in whatever way that looks like.
  • This is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel – This book was just so well-written and also really fun to read. It’s about a family of seven. There are five boys in this family and the youngest son begins to state his desire to wear dresses and become a girl when he grows up. Thus starts this family on a journey they never expected to take. It’s about being transgender and what that means for a family, and it’s also about marriage and parenthood and how you try to figure things out along the way. It’s an incredible book that has stayed with me.
  • In the Country We Love: My Family Divided by Diane Guerrero – While this book isn’t super well-written, it’s one I like to recommend because I think it puts a face to the immigration issues in our country. Diane is an actress who was born in the United States, but when she was 14, her parents and brother were arrested and deported, leaving her alone in this country. She had to depend on the kindness of family friends to keep her fed and clothed and housed while her family lived in an entirely different country than her. It’s a moving portrait of the immigrant struggle and just how damn unfair the immigration system is for undocumented people.

A lot of these books are heavier reads, but for some light-hearted romances, my favorites are The Hating Game by Sally Thorne; Book Lovers by Emily Henry; Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston, The Duchess Deal by Tessa Dare, and basically anything Lucy Parker writes.

What is your ideal way to spend a weekend afternoon?

Probably napping, ha. I love a great weekend afternoon nap! Especially when I can crawl into my big bed and the cats jump on the bed to nap with me, too. I always say, “It’s Family Nap Time!” when they do that. 🙂 Ideally, I’d get into bed, read for about 20 or so minutes, take a long nap (3 hours, at least), and then wake up to read more of my book. That is the epitome of luxury to me!

What skill do you wish you had that you don’t have?

I wish I was better at making small talk with new people. My friend Bri and I talk about this a lot (it’s part of the reason we started our podcast!) because she is so good at being around new people and making easy conversation. I just draw a complete blank on what to say to new people and how to draw them into a conversation. How do people do that so easily? I am v jealous about it.

Aside from yourself and the girls, what five things would you grab on your way out the door if you had sixty seconds to leave your house and knew you would never return?

What an interesting question! Let’s see, I would grab:

  • My work laptop, just so I have a computer to use
  • My Kindle, because I need my books
  • My phone, because duh
  • My purse, since it has my wallet and some other important docs
  • Dutch’s paw print, since it holds immense sentimental value to me

Do you ever listen to Desert Island Discs? Basically, it’s a radio program where they ask people what eight songs, one book, and one luxury would they bring to a desert island. What are your choices?

I don’t listen to Desert Island Discs, but what a fun thought experiment. Here are my answers:

  • Eight songs: One Day by Matisyahu, About Damn Time by Lizzo, As It Was by Harry Styles, Take It Easy by the Eagles, Betty by Taylor Swift, Paper Rings by Taylor Swift, You Need to Calm Down by Taylor Swift, and Karma by Taylor Swift
  • One book: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
  • One luxury: A tent

It was really hard choosing my eight songs because I am not much of a music person. (I’d much rather listen to podcasts/audiobooks than music.) Even though I wanted to choose everything by Taylor Swift, I figured I’d like some variety. Also, I chose songs that are fun to listen to and dance to!

I chose A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith (<– y’all, I first wrote the author’s name as Betty White and I was like, “There’s no way that’s right.” HA.) because this book is one of my all-time favorites and it’s long enough that it would take me some time to get through it.

As for my luxury, I wanted to cheat and bring a Kindle for extra reading material but I figure having a tent would be a better luxury. I’d want to be able to zip myself away from the elements when the sun is too hot or it’s rainy. I’ve watched enough episodes of Survivor to know how horrible those rainy nights can be without shelter.

What is a skill you wish you had that you don’t have?

Categories: About Me

My Makeup Routine

Hi, friends! Awhile ago, Nicole wrote a great post describing her makeup routine and it was really fun to be taken through her process (I especially loved the pictures that took her from bare-faced to make-up-faced), so I tucked the idea in the back of my head to do it myself some day. So let’s make today that day, okay?

I love wearing makeup because I feel like it makes me feel more put together and, let’s face it, prettier. And who doesn’t want to feel pretty? I’m not saying that I don’t feel pretty when I don’t wear makeup, but there’s something about having my skin smoothed out and my brows done and some mascara applied that makes me feel good. I’m not a makeup expert by any measure. I could use some help with how to perfectly fill out my brows and I am so bad with eyeliner that I don’t mess with it at all. But I think I do okay for myself. Also, almost all of my makeup comes from Target, and I also been learning about one of the premier botox services in Miami available, so I can improve my face as well. Drugstores FTW, babyyy.

Step 1: Skincare

I have an easy morning skincare routine, but it’s something I skip more days than not because sometimes I just forget about it when I’m zooming through my mornings. But when I do do it, it involves:

  • Cleanser
  • Toner
  • Niacinamide serum
  • Moisturizer with SPF with a few drops of vitamin c serum mixed in

Today, I skipped my morning skincare routine because I don’t have any clean washcloths. I really need to do laundry. Anyway, here’s my bare face!

Step 2: Smooth out the face

I don’t use primer in my makeup routine. I have never found one that seemed to make a difference, so I stopped trying. So, my first step is to dab concealer over any dark spots/under my eyes, and then blend it in. Neutrogena’s Radiant Cream Concealer works well for me. Then, I use Revlon ColorStay Full Cover Foundation in ivory. I use a flat-top foundation brush, and I think I’m going to go back to using a beauty blender for putting on foundation because it provides better coverage, IMO. (Real talk: I saw a girl on a reality show using a flat-top brush to put on foundation and it seemed so much easier than a beauty blender.) After I rub foundation all over my face, I use NYX #nofilter finishing powder to smooth it out.

Step 3: Draw on my brows

I have very light brows. Actually, they used to be a lot darker but over the last few years, they’ve lightened up so much that they’re nearly nonexistent unless I darken them with a brow pencil. I use Milani Stay Put Brow Pomade, which is a new product for me. My favorite brow product is NYX Micro Brow Pencil, but my shade is consistently out of stock at Target. I keep trying other brands but nothing has wowed me.

Anyway, I use the spoolie to brush the brow hairs in the direction I want them and then I dip the angled section in the brow pomade and fill in my brows. It’s a much more precise method of doing my brows, and I am not really used to it just yet. After I fill in my brows with the pomade, I use the spoolie again to lighten things up so my brows look more natural. I didn’t do a great job on my brows today, so this is a little embarrassing to show you, but whatever. I blame the product, not the user!

Step 4: Deal with my eyes

As you can see, my eyes are kinda hidden without makeup. I love how just some simple swipes of mascara can brighten up my eyes and make them pop a bit more!

I don’t always wear eyeshadow, but decided to do so today to give you guys the full treatment. I chose the Milani Gilded Gold palette and use two different shades of gold for my eyes. I love the look! (Some people spend a lot of time blending and brushing their eyeshadow to get that perfect look. I do not have the patience for that, so I usually just do one shade on the lid and then maybe brush a sparkly shade near my brow line.)

Lastly for my eyes, I use my eyelash curler and then swipe on some mascara. I recently bought Too Faced’s Better Than Sex mascara, which is the only non-drugstore makeup product you’ll see here! I think paying $30 for mascara is very dumb, but I do really like this mascara.

Step 5: Cheeeeeks

Last month, I ordered a package from Sephora and they sent me someone else’s package. It was a bummer (not for that person, I’m assuming, as I ordered some great products), since they didn’t order anything too exciting. (I was able to keep the package and they resent the correct items!) However, there was liquid blush in the package that has been fun to try out. I am still not very confident wearing blush because I either put on too much or too little. But I do like the little pop of color it gives me. This liquid blush is called Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez and I’m wearing the “encourage” shade.

Step 6: The Bold Lip

Every great makeup routine is finished off with a bold lip. Can we all agree? (Okay, I know not everyone is a fan!) I recently started using lip liner when I wear lipstick because it really makes it so much easier to apply lipstick, especially liquid lipstick which can sometimes lose the plot when I’m trying to apply it. The lip liner color blends in beautifully with my lip color and it just makes things look neater. Today, I’m using Revlon ColorStay Longwear Lip Liner in red with Maybelline Super Stay Matte Ink Liquid Lipstick in “lover.”

And there you have it – my entire makeup routine! I probably only go through this entire routine once or twice a month. I don’t wear makeup daily (I used to when I worked in an office, but not now that I’m working from home), but sometimes if I want to make myself look a little more put together, I’ll fill in my brows and swipe on some mascara. Or sometimes I’ll just do foundation/powder, brow pencil, mascara, and a tinted lip balm. It’s not always this involved!

Thoughts on wearing makeup? Love it, loathe it, are determined never to do it?

Categories: About Me

School Days (3rd Grade – 5th Grade)

Hi, friends! I’m very excited to continue my “School Days” series by recounting some of my memories from third, fourth, and fifth grade. I had so many memories to share here! I went to three different schools, had five different teachers (and two student teachers!), participated in some new extracurriculars, and also experienced my parents’ separation. A lot happened!

THIRD GRADE (1996 – 1997)

  • One of the cutest things my school did was have a little post office. Kids from all grades could drop off letters to their friends and then the “postal workers” would deliver the letters on a random afternoon. The third graders were the postal workers and I was so excited when my time came to be a postal worker. I had so much fun sorting the mail, accepting the mail, and delivering the letters throughout the school. So. Much. Fun.
  • In second grade, our school did a school-wide spelling bee. (I forgot to mention this in my first School Days post!) I ended up in 4th place out of all the second graders (the word I lost on: cousin) and my brother placed 1st out of all the third graders (a feat he never ceases to remind me of. I believe the word he won on was Zurich.) Well, throughout all of third grade, my mom made my brother and I practice our spelling words every single day. She had a whole notebook filled with spelling words, what words we needed to practice, etc. Our school did not hold a spelling bee that year. !!! Mom has never lived this down with us.
  • One of my classmates lost his mother during third grade. I still remember his name and how horrified I was that his mom died. He was so young! I couldn’t imagine losing my mom so young.
  • For a period of time, there was an additional music extracurricular: learning how to play the recorder. I begged and begged my parents to buy me a recorder and let me join this new extracurricular, and they finally acquiesced. I went to 2, maybe 3, lessons before abandoning the practice. Sorry, Mom and Dad! Nowadays, kids can learn songs through watching Kids youtube.
  • I participated in a talent show this year with a few friends. I honestly cannot remember what our talent was. I think we did a really bad dance routine to the Spice Girls. A much better trio of dancers won the talent show.
  • We moved to a new apartment this year. It had three bedrooms, so my brother and I finally didn’t have to share a room. I think of this apartment fondly! One day during the summer while my brother and I were playing together, there was a call on our landline and my brother picked it up. When he hung up, I asked him, “Who was that, Chuck, Muck, or Fuck?” I did not mean to rhyme my dad’s friend Chuck with the f-word and I was horrified with myself. My brother held this over me for yeaaaaars. We still laugh about it today, and my mom is always like, “What did you think would happen if you told us this story?!”

FOURTH GRADE (1997-1998)

  • I was at a new school in fourth grade. Actually, I went back to the school I was at in kindergarten and first grade. Like previous years, I had one teacher for language arts/writing and another one for math/science. I do not remember their names, but I had language arts/writing in the morning and math/science in the afternoon.
  • Every month, we had a different project to complete. I only remember some of the projects (probably because my mom did most of the work). For one project, we had to create a foam doll that resembled someone from history. I think I chose Clara Barton. For another, we had to do a whole report on one state, and I chose Ohio since that’s where my dad was from.
  • I was in the school play this year! It was a play involving a pet store and I was a fish. I even had a solo in the play and I still remember the opening lines I had to sing. When I told my mom that I was cast in the play, she didn’t seem all too excited but I later learned she was worried about the cost of getting my costume together. (Understandable!) In the end, I wore an orange shirt, orange shorts, and orange tights, lol. The other fish in our cast just wore swim shorts and one of those towels that goes over your head and had shark fins on it. How do you even make a fish costume in the age before Pinterest?! (I do want to say that my mom and dad were front and center in the audience during the play, so she was very excited for me to be in the play, just worried about the expense.)
  • As I mentioned, I had one teacher (and classroom) for language arts/writing and another teacher (and classroom) for math/science. These classrooms were right next to each other, separated by a heavy, movable wall. After lunch every day, the wall would be pushed back and one of the teachers would stand in the middle of the two classrooms and read a few chapters from a book. I loved this so much! I remember that we read a lot of Roald Dahl during these after-lunch read-alouds.
  • I was a cheerleader this year! My mom enrolled both my brother and me in a nearby youth football/cheerleading league, and I had so much fun. But oh my god, what a time commitment! We had practice four days a week and then games on Saturdays. Our cheerleading program went to competition after the football season was over, and we placed third in both competitions, which was exciting! I remember those competitions so well because we practiced so much and then got to have a sleepover at this really, really fancy house where we ate pizza and got our hair done up in these foam rollers that we had to sleep in overnight. The house belonged to one of the cheerleaders in our program and she had a fricken balcony outside her room. I was convinced she was a princess.
  • We had student teachers this year, a male teacher and a female teacher. I had the biggest crush on the male teacher (all of us girls did! A twenty-something guy teaching a bunch of 10-year-olds? Lawdy.) and I thought the female teacher was so cool. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up! I have this very distinct memory of her walking into the cafeteria one afternoon to pick us up from lunch; she was wearing sunglasses and just looked so damn cool. I imagined she spent her lunch break with friends she knew off-campus and was so very jealous. (Hindsight: She likely spent her lunch break trying to eat as fast as she could while doing a million other things.)

FIFTH GRADE (1998-1999)

  • I attended a new school for fifth grade and my teacher this year, Mrs. Chapman, was my favorite teacher ever. She was so fun and personable and wise and kind. I loved her so much that when I had to do some volunteer hours at a school during college, I volunteered in her classroom.
  • All of the fifth graders in my school district had to participate in an economic educational program called Enterprise Village. We spent a few weeks in the classroom learning economic concepts like balancing a checkbook, applying for jobs, learning different concepts of a business environment, etc. Then, we went to Enterprise Village where we got to “work” for one day. Enterprise Village is set up similarly to a shopping mall with tons of different businesses: McDonald’s, Time Warner, the Bucs, etc. Every kid was given a business and a job. I was given the job as bookkeeper at McDonald’s, which meant I spent much of my day crunching numbers (go figure). It was such a fun day and my mom was a chaperone, although she was helping out at a different business so I didn’t see her much!
  • I was excited to be a school patrol this year. Since I was new to the school, I didn’t know if I was going to get to be a patrol (something I had wanted for years) as patrols are usually selected at the end of fourth grade but I was added to the team a few weeks into the year. It was so exciting! I loved being able to get out of class a little early and basically just hang out with my friends.
  • My parents officially separated this year. My mom, my brother, and I moved in with my grandparents. It was a tight fit as my uncle and his twin daughters (who were 3 at the time) were also living with them. My mom and brother had beds in the sunroom/office while we squeezed my bed in between the twins’ beds in their room. I continued to attend the same elementary school and my brother continued to attend the same middle school, but my mom would make the long trek to our bus stop every morning to drop us off. My paternal grandma moved in with my dad who was living in our old home, and she would “watch” us until my mom could pick us up after school. (We didn’t really need a babysitter at this time, but I was home a little earlier than my brother and my mom didn’t want me to be alone.) It was quite a crazy arrangement!
  • We had to put together a “yearbook” for our fifth-grade class, as a sort of send-off to middle school. In the yearbook, we all listed out where we wanted to be in 20 years. Here’s what I said, “I will be a vet and I will have four daughters named April, May, Taylor, and Morgan.” DEAR GOD.
  • I had my first real anxiety spiral this year, which showed up in some, erm, digestive issues. We were doing standardized testing and I just got so nervous about testing well and doing my best that I started getting really anxious about everything. When the testing was over, I had my mom pick me up from school because things were getting uncomfortable. Poor baby Steph!

Tell me a memory you have of your late elementary school years!

Categories: About Me

My New Rules for Dating

Reading Logan Ury’s book, How Not to Die Alone, was a transformative experience for me. For once, I didn’t feel like I was weird for finding online dating so hard. She says in the book that yes, it is hard to date in this modern era of dating apps. It’s an entirely new experience from the way we evolved to find a partner (typically, the person in your neighborhood) and there are so many options (both with partners and with dating apps) these days. It’s hard to stand out and hard to take things from the phone screen to real life. Even more, meeting someone IRL is damn near impossible. Where is my adorable meet-cute in the fiction section of my favorite indie bookstore?! I know way more couples my age that met through dating apps than met IRL. Even my mom and stepdad met on a dating app!

I learned a lot from this book: how to set up a dating profile, how to make conversation over a dating app, how to set yourself up for success when it comes to first dates, and more. I learned so much that I developed a few new rules for dating that I plan on implementing in my dating life going forward:

1) Make sure every prompt on my profile is a “conversation starter.” This was a really good tip from the book, about making sure your profile has information that could be a good launching point for a conversation. It’s always so much easier to start a conversation with someone from a dating app when they have something interesting on their profile! Right now, I mainly use Hinge and Bumble and these apps use prompts to help foster communication between matches. I just need to make sure all of the prompts I have on my profile could lead to fun follow-up questions. Like, instead of saying, “What I’m looking for in a future partner is… someone kind and funny,” I could say, “What I’m looking for in a future partner is… someone who will willingly explore a bookstore with me.” Or something like that; something that just has a bit more personality and explains who I am.

2) Have a handful of opening lines to use. The opening line of a conversation is the hardest thing for me! Do you know how many times I’ve Googled, “best conversation starters for Bumble”? Too many to count. When there aren’t any interesting questions to ask based on the profile, I want to have a few opening lines in my back pocket to start the conversation with, rather than the lame “Hey! How is your day going?” Something like:

  • What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn to do?
  • What’s the last great book you read? (<– This one always makes me sad, though, because it feels like nobody reads anymore, ugh.)
  • What’s your favorite spot around town to spend a Saturday morning?

If you guys have any better opening lines, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I am not great at coming up with my own. I want something that would be fun to answer, but also tells me a little more about their personality.

(I should mention that Bumble/Hinge also have a “question” feature where you can pick a question from a random list and both of you answer it. Sometimes I use that feature, but sometimes I feel really lazy about using it rather than asking a question on my own.)

3) Set aside time at least twice a day to swipe/respond to messages. I am terrible at keeping up with my dating apps. It just feels like so much work that sometimes, I’ll start a conversation with someone and then forget to open my dating app for a week. (Can you see why I needed this book?!) Thankfully, Ury doesn’t think you need to spend all day on your dating apps, but she does note that you should set aside time every day to swipe and respond to messages. I think I will set aside 10 minutes in the afternoon and 10 minutes in the evening for this. It can be something I do while reading on the couch or watching TV, and if I’m not actively messaging with anyone, I don’t need to spend, like, a full 10 minutes swiping (or I could use the time to update my photos, answer a new prompt, etc.). What I need is to schedule it into my day so I don’t go 3 days between messages (which is what just happened with someone I was messaging with, oops).

4) Set dates within 72 hours of messaging. Oh, setting that dreaded first date. I used to get so caught up in textual relationships—a relationship that mainly happens over text and dating app messages. I’ve gotten better about it. Once we’ve exchanged a few messages and things seem to be going well, I’ll propose meeting up for a coffee date.

5) Have a pre-date ritual. Before one first date I had, I put on my makeup while leaving a Marco Polo video for Mikaela, and that was such a lovely way for me to get excited about the date. I talked to her about the person I was going out with and what I was hoping for from the date, and that memory holds a special place in my heart. The book recommends that all daters have a pre-date ritual to put yourself in the right headspace. You shouldn’t be rushing out to the date in between work meetings or after a sweaty workout. Make it special! Maybe it’s doing a 10-minute meditation, or chatting on the phone with a friend, or drinking a small glass of wine beforehand to loosen you up. For me, I think I’ll probably continue doing these Marco Polo videos for Mikaela before each date. She’s someone who is always excited to hear about my dating life (without making me feel like I must go on dates and put myself out there), and it makes me feel a little less alone in this journey.

6) Have a go-to first date spot. One of my least favorite parts of dating is choosing that first date spot. Do we do dinner or a drink? A coffee shop or a bar? Do we meet in the middle or close to one of our homes? What’s the parking situation like? Should I Uber there or not? So many decisions before you ever get to that first date! That’s why I love this idea: just choose your first date spot and stick with it. I’ll probably need to find two first date spots: one near me in St. Petersburg and one in Tampa (at least with the men I’ve dated, if they live in Tampa, they do not want to come to St. Pete for a first date). But that way, I know exactly where I’m going, how long it takes to drive there, what the parking situation is, what the seating is like, and what to order. As someone with social anxiety, which makes dating 1000x harder, this is something that gives me a little slice of comfort before something as scary as a first date.

7) Have a debrief after the date. I loved this idea from the book of checking in with yourself after the date. Ury lays out a handful of questions to ask yourself so you can better understand how you really felt about the person you just went out with:

  • What side of me did they bring out?
  • How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
  • Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
  • Is there something about them I’m curious about?
  • Did they make me laugh?
  • Did I feel heard?
  • Did I feel attractive in their presence?
  • Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

In the book, Ury says that knowing you have these questions to answer after the date makes you more aware of how you’re feeling during the date. I am someone who is always fairly aware of how I’m feeling, especially whether someone is making me feel comfortable and relaxed or insecure and awkward. And this checklist focuses less on how the person looked and acted and what they said, and more on how I felt on the date. Even if it’s someone who checks all of my boxes, if I felt uncomfortable during the date, then that’s what I need to pay attention to.

8) Always say yes to a second date. I’ll admit that I am an all-or-nothing girl when it comes to dating. If I don’t feel that spark on the first date, I’m not going on the second date. It’s either there or it isn’t, but Ury stresses in the book that we should always say yes to a second date, even if the first one wasn’t that great. (Of course, if the person made rude comments or made you feel uncomfortable in any way, you do not owe anyone a second date!) But if it was just a lackluster first date, what’s the harm in giving it another shot with a second date? Maybe they were nervous or had a bad day or were distracted for some reason. This will be a hard rule for me to follow because I have limited energy levels and it’s difficult for me to keep going on dates with someone I’m not super excited about, but I’m going to give it a try and see how things go.

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If this feels like a lot of work, hello, welcome to dating. It is a lot of work and that’s why I go through long periods of not dating. Putting in so much effort with the chance that it can be all for naught is one of the reasons I haven’t ever fully invested myself in the dating process. Add to the fact that I’m an introvert with social anxiety and sometimes dating feels like an insurmontable task, based on how I’m feeling on a particular day. But I do it because of the times when it has worked for me. When I have found someone I click with on such a deep level that they’re all I can think about. I do it for the butterflies, the anticipation, the way it feels to fall head over heels for someone. I do it because I want to find my person and I truly believe they are out there.