Healthy Living

Notes From My Dietician (v. 3)

It’s been almost five months since I last checked in with you all about what I’m learning (and unlearning) from my monthly dietician sessions. One of the big things that has happened in the past few months is that I got bloodwork done. I passed along the lab results to my dietician, so we can work together to figure out a plan to help improve my cholesterol, glucose, and A1C numbers. I am quickly veering into the territory of Type 2 diabetes, and I don’t want that. It feels less scary to clean up my diet with a dietician by my side—and a dietician who is anti-diet culture and wants to help me get to a better place without falling into my old patterns.

There was a week between when I got my lab results and when I spoke to my dietician, and in that time, I was spiraling. I had this mindset that I would have to be on a strict eating plan, one that would take the joy out of my life and that I wouldn’t be able to do for more than a few weeks. And then I’d fail, and feel terrible about myself, and beat myself up, and tell myself all kinds of mean things like how I’m never going to be healthy and going to die early from a heart attack or something. (I can be awful to myself sometimes. Truly.) I brought those concerns to my dietician, who is almost like a therapist to me at times and helps me work through some of my thought patterns when it relates to diet culture. She reminded me that we do not need to make this a big thing. (In fact, I don’t have to make any changes if I don’t want to. I mean, I do want to because I want to be healthy and feel better. But I am fully in control here.) We will not change how I eat in any huge, life-changing way. We will not be counting calories, macros, or points. Together, we’re going to look at how I’m eating and figure out where I can make small, sustainable changes.

I really love my dietician, you guys. She is such a warm, kind soul and makes me feel like I can make changes when it comes to the way I eat. And I have! And I will continue to do so.

Now, let’s get into some of the things I’m working on:

Eating healthy does not mean I’m engaging in diet culture

My dietician and I had a come-to-Jesus discussion about this idea. I was talking to her about how sometimes I resist snacks that would be deemed “healthy” for me, like apples with peanut butter, veggies with dip, string cheese, nuts, etc. There’s something inherently “diet-y” about those foods, and those are the foods I would tell myself I should eat to be a good person. (Because all thin people are inherently good people, right?) Two things happen in my head when I’m resisting like this:

I scoff at myself for thinking I enjoy eating this way – “you’ll be back to your old, unhealthy patterns soon enough,” my mean brain tells me
I feel like I am engaging in diet culture, abort abort abort!!!

When I brought up this idea to my dietician, she said something so profound that I immediately pulled out my phone and typed it into my Notes app: Diet culture is what gets in the way of me being true to myself.

Diet culture is not eating veggies and dip. Anti-diet culture is not snacking on chocolate. I engage in diet culture when I do things that are not in alignment with what I truly want in the moment. And sometimes, I do want a piece of fruit with string cheese. Other times, I want a bowl of chips with a few pieces of chocolate. What my dietician has been trying to drill into me, again and again, is this idea that I am in charge of my body and my needs. I don’t ever have to eat another vegetable if I don’t want to. But truly understanding my cravings and what gives me satisfaction, both from a physical and an emotional place, can be transformative in the way I approach my eating habits.

Making breakfast work for me

One of the things my dietician immediately pinpointed as an opportunity for change is breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day, right? Breakfast can be a struggle for me because while I do usually wake up hungry and need something to eat pretty quickly after waking up, I do not gravitate toward heart-healthy, low-sugar breakfast options. The problem with breakfast is that I want it to be quick and easy, and I need variety. On a typical week, I would usually eat a healthier breakfast option Monday-Wednesday (think vanilla Greek yogurt with fresh strawberries and granola) and then opt for breakfasts that were satisfying at the moment but not all that filling overall, like sugary cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a fave!), McDonald’s Sausage McMuffins, Starbucks breakfast sandwiches, etc. These are breakfast options that I can have all of the time if I want, but I think they would be so much more satisfying if they weren’t a regular occurrence in my diet.

So my dietician and I got to work. We first decided that I needed to have a few options at my disposal because I crave variety, and then we figured out what options would be Stephany-proof (aka, I wouldn’t find an excuse for why I couldn’t have it for breakfast). We settled on:

Apple cinnamon instant oatmeal – it’s delicious and two little packets are very satisfying
Jimmy Dean Delights English Muffin sandwiches – this is a healthier version of their products with turkey sausage and egg whites
Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal – adds a little more fiber/protein to my breakfast

I cycle through these options throughout the week so I always have something different to enjoy each morning, which I really like. Eventually, I would like to find some less sugary options, but we’re taking baby steps here.

Frozen meal lunches

Figuring out lunch has been an ongoing struggle for me, way back to the days I worked in an office. I don’t like salads or sandwiches or soups, which really limits my lunch choices. So we’ve been working on options for me—we started with the idea of snack lunches (turkey roll-ups, cheese and crackers, veggies and dip, etc.) and then I was trying leftovers for a while but that could quickly fall apart if I didn’t meal plan correctly. During my most recent appointment, my dietician asked me what I wanted from lunch. What, specifically, was I looking for? I had to think about this for a while! What would make lunchtime satisfying for me? And what was it about the other lunch options I craved (like pizza rolls) that were appealing to me? I came up with three characteristics:

quick
warm
lots of variety

And that’s when she brought up frozen meals. They’re warm, something I can easily zap in the microwave, and I can literally choose from dozens of options every week. Genius! Of course, I was a little hesitant about this suggestion because I used to eat frozen meals all the time… but I would try to find the healthiest meal in the freezer and they never filled me up for very long. Think: Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine. I’m not about that diet lifestyle anymore. But we talked it over and my dietician was very quick to suggest that I have two of those meals for lunch or supplement the frozen meal with something else, like veggies, rice, fruit, etc. (Side note: The first time my dietician suggested eating a bigger portion of something to make it more filling, like two string cheeses rather than one, my mind was blown. Diet culture and its tiny portion sizes have really broken my brain!)

Since then, I’ve been having about two of these frozen meals weekly with a big bowl of veggies (and filling out the rest of the week with dinner leftovers). It’s very satisfying! And it’s been fun to peruse the freezer aisle and pick out some yummy choices every week. So far, I’m a huge fan of Amy’s pesto tortellini bowl and this smokehouse meat and potatoes meal from Devour. Yum, yum!

What’s a go-to breakfast for you?

Categories: Healthy Living

Notes From My Dietician (v. 2)

Note: I’m talking about diets, diet culture, and food in this post. If those things are triggering for you, please take care and exit from this post. <3

Since I wrote my last Note From My Dietician post, I have had two more sessions with my dietician. I feel like I’ve had a lot of breakthroughs from these sessions. There is so much about diet culture that I am unlearning, still, even though I feel like I’ve been doing that for years now. But aren’t we all? Dieting and the thin ideal are such an ingrained part of our society, and often, we don’t even realize we’re falling back onto those same patterns until someone else says something (like my dietician telling me that Dr. Pepper is not a “reward” for drinking water; I’m allowed to have Dr. Pepper whenever I want).

So, let’s talk about what my dietician and I have been working on lately, shall we?

Hunger Signals

I really struggle with paying attention to my hunger signals and doing something about them. When you’re dieting, hunger signals don’t really mean much. Sure, you can eat a snack if you have the calories/points/macros available, but if you don’t, you just gotta be hungry until it’s time for your next meal. I remember feeling very smug and satisfied when I went to bed hungry because that meant I was eating below what my body was used to, which was a good thing. That’s the whole point of dieting, isn’t it? To force our bodies to endure less calories so we lose weight.

But we need to pay attention to our hunger signals! And we need to take action when hunger hits. I’ve been talking about my hunger signals with my dietician a lot because I am not great at listening to them. Sometimes it’s almost as if I am trying to punish my body for being hungry. “I just fed you! You shouldn’t be hungry so soon!” But if I’m hungry, that’s a sign I need to eat. It could also be a sign that I’m not eating enough during my meals—perhaps I need more protein in the morning or to eat a bigger lunch. But these solutions to being hungry do not entail not eating because they don’t fit into my diet plan. They are all about eating and eating more because that’s what my body is telling me it needs, and I need to honor that.

Figuring Out Snacks

I have been struggling with my snack routine. This is another part of unlearning diet culture because I’m so stuck in the mode of thinking that my snacks must be super-duper healthy: string cheese and nuts, apples and peanut butter, Greek yogurt, etc. Over the past few months, though, I have started to realize that one of the reasons I’m not eating when I’m hungry is because I am so uninspired by my snacks. And when I’m hungry but what’s in my house isn’t something I want to eat? I just won’t eat. I’m like that stubborn three-year-old who is like “but I’m not huuuuuungry for aaaaaapples” while crying on the floor and wailing about being hungry.

Thankfully, I’m the adult here and I get to choose the snacks I want. My dietician and I brainstormed some fun snack ideas that I could try, like chips and salsa, Teddy Grahams with fruit, string cheese and chocolate-covered pomegranates. I could even make a Little Debbie dessert part of my snack routine—she just encouraged me to pair it with something that had protein or healthy fats, which is only to make sure my blood sugar doesn’t spike from this snack. It’s not about only eating the “healthy” stuff (because food does not hold moral values; there are no good or bad foods); it’s about eating in a way that feels satisfying to me and making sure it aligns with my goals of keeping my blood sugar numbers and cholesterol in a normal range.

Quick & Easy Meals

I am the queen of pizza and ordering out. I don’t love cooking (especially cooking for one) and I can find every excuse in the book not to do it. And, of course, with my diet culture mindset, I always feel like I need to be cooking elaborate healthy meals that include lean meats, perfectly roasted veggies, and healthy carbs. But my dietician once again showed me that I’m making this way more complicated than it has to be. I need to stop fighting against my tendencies and learn to work with them.

So, I don’t love cooking and prefer very easy meals? Let’s try frozen chicken nuggets, a veggie that can be heated up in a saucepan, and rice that can be nuked in the microwave. Let’s try breakfast for dinner: scrambled eggs, toast, and sausage. Let’s try a frozen skillet meal that I can just pour into a pan and let cook up. It doesn’t need to look a certain way, just because this is how I view it in my head. The most important thing is that it’s something I will enjoy and will provide the balanced meal I need.

(And if I do need to blow off my dinner plans for a night and order takeout? I can. It’s not a moral failing to do so.)

Are you in tune with your hunger cues?

Categories: Healthy Living

Notes From My Dietician (v. 1)

Because many of you expressed interest in learning more about working with a dietician, I have decided to start a new series called, Notes From My Dietician. Here, I’ll be talking about what I’ve been working on and learning from my dietician. I’m not going to talk about weight loss here because that’s not the reason I’m seeing a dietician. Instead, I’m going to talk about how I’m slowly changing my diet to make sure that the next time I get blood work done, I have sparkling numbers and my risk of heart disease, high cholesterol, and pre-diabetes is going down.

I started seeing a dietician in early August (the reason behind this decision can be found here). I was very careful in choosing a dietician, as I wanted someone who wouldn’t put me on a very restrictive diet and who believed in the concept of Health At Every Size. Thankfully, when perusing dieticians who accepted my insurance, I found a nutrition practice that had great bios of all of their practitioners, and through that, I was able to find someone whose bio really spoke to me. Here are some of the gems:

recognizes that you are the expert of your body and experiences
approach combines science with personal sustainability, satisfaction, and cultural preferences
enjoys helping folks improve their relationship with food

I was extremely lucky to have found an excellent dietician from the outset. This journey is intensely personal and can bring up a lot of vulnerabilities and triggers, which is why many of us stay away from dietician services in the first place. I can already be my own worst enemy; I don’t need someone else to beat me up, too.

My dietician is supportive and passionate and caring. In our first meeting, we talked extensively about how to make sure this journey is a positive, sustainable one for me. It doesn’t have to be scary or hard or overwhelming. I can make small changes, expect to have days when I don’t eat the way I wanted to, and trust myself throughout the process. She stresses the importance of listening to my body and getting a better understanding of how I’m feeling after eating certain foods, as well as how my hunger levels shift throughout the day. She doesn’t talk about “good foods” and “bad foods.” It’s all about my own food journey and eating things that are satisfying but also make my body feel well-nourished and happy. And that journey looks vastly different from person to person.

She’s also a big fan of making small changes. For example, during our appointment last week, we talked about my soda habit. I mentioned that I could stop buying soda at the grocery store so that I wouldn’t have it at home to “tempt” me. Honestly, I didn’t want to do that (I drink soda because I love the taste of it! It brings me happiness!) but wanted to impress my dietician with my dedication to my healthy living journey. Her response surprised me, however. “Don’t you think that’s a drastic change to make? Can we think about a smaller step you could take here?” Making big, sweeping changes to my diet isn’t helpful. Taking a habit I have (drinking soda) and unlearning the behaviors I have around them happens one small step at a time.

So that’s all about my dietician and the way we’re working together. What have I learned about healthy eating habits? Let’s discuss:

My eating plan

One of the first things my dietician and I worked on was an eating plan that makes sense for my life and my hunger cues. I usually wake up hungry and need to eat frequently throughout the morning, otherwise, I deal with low blood sugar. In the afternoons, my blood sugar stabilizes for the most part but I still get hungry and could use a good, protein-heavy snack to carry me through to dinnertime. Here’s what we decided on:

6ish: Piece of fruit if I’m working out first thing in the morning, which is currently a little bowl of grapes
7:30am: Breakfast. I have eggs and toast with coffee (three eggs if I’m scrambling them, two eggs if I’m frying them). If I don’t work out in the morning, I’ll also have fruit with breakfast.
10:00-10:30am: Morning snack. Currently, this is string cheese and a pack of nuts.
12:00pm: Lunch. I’ve been having a bowl of tuna fish with mayo and potato chips. I’m getting very sick of this lunch, though, so this is changing. (More on that below.)
2:30-3:00pm: Afternoon snack. I’ve been really bad at remembering to have this snack, although I definitely need it. When I do have an afternoon snack, it’s Greek yogurt and fruit.
7:00ish: Dinner. This is very flexible right now. It could be frozen pizza or homemade nachos or chicken with veggies.
8:30ish: Dessert, if needed. (I don’t always want dessert after dinner, but I keep a carton of ice cream in the freezer for my after-dinner dessert.)

Snack plate lunches

I have always struggled when it comes to lunch. I need a big, filling lunch but I never know what that should be. I don’t like salad (at least, salad I make myself; salad from a restaurant is another story). I don’t really want to make a sandwich every day. And I can easily grow tired of what I’m eating, so I need to be able to switch up my lunch options frequently.

At our last meeting, my dietician and I brainstormed about lunches and we decided that snack plate lunches are the way to go for me. This way, I can mix and match my lunch options for what I’m craving each week. Each snack plate should have protein, starch, fruit, and veggies. For example, I can have rolled-up turkey slices, hard-boiled eggs, pita chips with hummus, roasted broccoli, and a fruit cup. Or I can have rotisserie chicken, cheese and crackers, brown rice, olives, and strawberries.

The point is that I can make my lunch whatever I want it to be, and it doesn’t have to all feel like it goes together perfectly. I often fall into the trap of thinking that my food must be packaged in such a way that it will look like the perfect Instagram picture, but the reality is that it can look like a mess, and as long as it is satisfying and filling to me, and is providing me with the right nutrients, that’s all that matters.

Increasing my water intake

I constantly struggle with drinking water, which is well-documented on this blog. It’s something I want to be better about, but it’s a weakness. Plus, I only like to drink water that is ice cold. Room temperature water is so blech to me.

So, I was fairly shocked when my dietician suggested seltzer water like LaCroix. Wait, what? Isn’t that cheating? It’s not truly hydrating, is it? But nope, it’s just water with bubbles and a bit of flavor! It counts as water and hydration.

Mind-blowing to me. You mean I can drink a can of LaCroix and count it towards my water intake for the day?! I truly had no idea!

I still want to keep up with my water drinking, but knowing I can crack open a LaCroix when I need the hydration but I’m not in the mood for plain water has opened up my world. A Shot of Joy is also a good for of hydration and it comes with multiple health benefits. You can also look into immunity intravenous therapy like this IV therapy – Chi-Ma Med Spa via experts that do functional medicine in Kansas City, MO and other areas.

I have made a slew of other changes to my diet, but again, we’re taking things SLOW. Even getting one serving of fruit per day is a win, as I used to go many, many days in a row without anything. Cooking myself one meal a week that fulfills my nutritional needs is a win. Frozen pizza, soda, and chocolate are still part of my diet, and they likely will remain that way because I like all of those things and I’m not into deprivation diets anymore. But one night of pizza per week instead of multiple nights of pizza? That’s a win.

It’s about the small steps that push me in the right direction.

Categories: Healthy Living

Body Positive Resources

A few weeks ago, I wrote this post that received a lot of amazing comments. One of the comments I received (from Emilie!) asked for anti-fat, body-positive resources. And I am more than happy to oblige! Here are a handful of books, podcasts, newsletters, and Instagram follows that have really helped me come to terms with diet culture and love my body as it is:

Maintenance Phase (podcast) – This is everyone’s go-to recommendation when it comes to an anti-diet, fat-positive resource, and for good reason. Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes are two excellent cohosts that dig into all things diet culture, from the fads to the books to recent research. It’s fascinating and Aubrey, as a fat person, brings a perspective to the show that we don’t often get in diet culture phenomena.

Virgie Tovar (Instagram) – I believe strongly that we must diversify our social media feeds so we’re not only seeing one type of person as we scroll. This means more people of color, more disabled people, and more fat people. Virgie Tovar is one of my favorite Instagram follows because she is just the most joyful human ever. Her feed isn’t about being fat and still living a normal life – she just lives her life without worrying about what people think. She takes up space, and we are all the better for it.

What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon (book) – I recently read this book, by the same woman who co-hosts the Maintenance Phase podcast, and it does an excellent job taking people into the lived life of a fat person. Aubrey is deeply vulnerable about her experiences as a fat person, from a doctor telling her to lose weight while getting treatment for an ear infection to a woman in the grocery store taking items right out of her cart to replace them with “healthier” options. This is a book that will make you feel seen as a fat person, but more than anything, it’s a book more straight-size people need to read to better understand what it’s like to live in a fat body.

Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata (podcast) – This podcast isn’t specifically about being a fat person, but I put it on here because I believe that Nicole and Sasheer do an excellent job discussing bodies and sizes and weight in a very healthy, positive manner. Nicole is a fat woman while Sasheer is straight size, and Nicole talks very matter-of-factly about finding clothes in her size and other things that affect her that her friend may not experience. The podcast can be raunchy at times, so fair warning, but if you can handle it, it’s a great way to expose yourself to hearing about the lived experiences of fat people in a very positive way.

Virgie Tovar’s Newsletter – The second Virgie Tovar resource on this list, and it’s a good one! I’ve been subscribed to her newsletter for a bit of time now and it’s always one of my favorites to open and read. She’s committed to ending our reliance on diet culture, challenging fatphobia, and calling out thin privilege. I mean, just take a look at the first sentence of her most recent newsletter: “Fatphobia – bigotry against people in larger bodies – is a form of socially sanctioned violence that can lead to trauma.” It’s these words that keep me coming back over and over again.

The F*ck It Diet: Eating Should Be Easy by Caroline Dooner (book) – While this book did not impact me in the same ways it did for other people, I’m including it on this list because I do think it will challenge the way you think about dieting, health, and restriction. The overall message of the book is this: We must stop living a life ruled by food restriction because we are so scared of being fat. Being thin should never be our be-all, end-all goal. Enjoy your food, delight in your cravings.

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay (book) – This book came out many years ago at this point, but it’s still one I think about often. Here’s what I wrote in my review of the book back in 2017: “[This book] is all about what it means to live as a fat person in today’s fat-phobic society. I could relate to so much of what she wrote in this book. I’ve had many of the same experiences, the same thoughts, the same feeling of wishing I could be that rah-rah-body-positive-all-bodies-are-beautiful person, but not exactly being there. And I think that’s what I appreciated most: this was not a book about body positivity, it was not a weight loss book. It is simply a book about what it means to be fat.” If you struggle with body positivity, this is the book for you.

Honorable Mentions (for the sole fact that I haven’t read or listened to these resources yet!)

The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor – This book has been sitting on my bookshelf for many years now, and it’s really beyond time for me to pick it up. From Goodreads: “As we awaken to our own indoctrinated body shame, we feel inspired to awaken others and to interrupt the systems that perpetuate body shame and oppression against all bodies.”
Reclaiming Body Trust: A Path to Healing & Liberation by Hilary Kinavey and Dana Sturtevant – Amy, a brilliant woman I met through blogging many years ago, highly recommended this book that digs into the heart of why diet culture hurts all of us, and I have wanted to read it ever since. From Goodreads: “In this book … invite readers to break free from the status quo and reject a diet culture that has taken advantage and profited from trauma, stigma, and disembodiment, and fully reclaim and embrace their bodies.”
Food Heaven Podcast – Nicole recommended this podcast to me in the post I wrote about diet culture. It’s hosted by two registered dieticians who apparently have a very balanced view on nutrition. I added it to my listening queue!
RD vs. BS – Another podcast I recently heard about, hosted by registered dieticians who break down the myths and truths of fad diets, supplements, and other pieces of diet culture.

Do you have any favorite fat activists to follow on Instagram? Or any other books, podcasts, or newsletters to recommend? I’m all ears!

Categories: Healthy Living

Diet Culture, Fat Acceptance & What Comes Next

Note: This post is about dieting, body image, weight loss, etc. If those things are triggering for you, please take care and exit from this post. <3

If there’s one thing that reading through my old blog posts has taught me, it’s how fixated I used to be on weight loss. I was so scared of being fatter than I already thought I was. Back then, when I was at what I would consider a normal weight for me, I just wanted to lose more weight. I wanted to be a svelte 115 lbs, which would give me a normal BMI* for my height (5’2″). Instead, I was 150 lbs, then 160 lbs, then 170 lbs. The BMI number kept creeping up, and up, and up, as I kept yo-yo dieting and getting frustrated with myself and feeling like I would never have the life I wanted if I couldn’t lose the weight.

And now, here I am today. I don’t know how much I weigh right now because I only get weighed at the doctor, but I know it’s over 200 lbs. In BMI terms, I am obese. And if my early twenties self could see me right now, I know she would be incredulous. How could I let myself go like this?

Because that’s the verbiage we use when we see someone gain weight, isn’t it? They “let themselves go.” They don’t care about their health anymore. They don’t care about themselves anymore.

What I wish to tell that girl is that I didn’t let myself go. Instead, I let the food restriction go. I let beating myself up over not being perfect at my diet go. I let weighing myself constantly go. I let worrying about what I would look like as a fat person go. I let the fatphobia and the diet culture go.

I am happier at my heaviest weight than I was when I was at a lower weight. I am happier because I’m not dieting and not feeling like a failure every week because I couldn’t stick to a restrictive diet. And because I accept who I am at this weight and know I am just as lovable and beautiful than I was at a lower weight.

And yet.

I know I need to lose weight. I don’t need to lose weight because I need to fit into some specific ideal of the perfect person. I don’t need to lose weight because I will be better at a lower weight. I need to lose weight because it’s not healthy to be at the weight I’m at. Some people can be fat and healthy—that’s entirely possible! I know of many people who may be categorized as obese on the BMI scale, but they get regular check-ups and bloodwork and all of their numbers are in the ideal range. However, that is not the case for me. I’ve had concerning bloodwork results in the past, and I know I am setting myself up for a lifetime of medical problems if I don’t start eating healthier foods and exercising more.

So I need to lose weight, but I don’t want to diet. I don’t want to track my calories or my macros or my points. I don’t want to feel like a failure every week when I don’t follow my “program” as closely as I should. I don’t want to fret about cheat meals and cheat days. I want to eat better in a way that feels joyful, fulfilling, and satisfying. I want it to be sustainable for me long-term. I am a picky eater who cannot eat the same thing for very long. (I’m amazed at people who can eat the same thing for lunch month after month after month. That is not something my body is built for.) I turn my nose up at most healthy foods and, for the most part, eat like a 12-year-old who discovered she can eat whatever she wants without an adult checking in. I don’t drink nearly enough water, although I’m working on that.

And I’m hypoglycemic, let’s not forget. I know I could essentially cure this condition by cleaning up my diet, or at least have it under control much more than I do now. Eating more healthily will also likely benefit my mental health and my anxiety disorder. I haven’t studied this in detail, but my psychiatrist has pointed out the various ways the gut can impact our brain health. Providing my body with nourishing foods that feed the good bacteria in my gut could help my anxiety symptoms. (Obviously, medication is helping my anxiety the most, but it doesn’t hurt to also think about how the foods I eat are impacting my mental health, too.)

After over almost 15 years of yo-yo dieting, I stopped all restrictive dieting sometime in 2016 or 2017. In those intervening years, I have developed a greater sense of self and found greater fulfillment in having a larger body. I have discovered diet culture and fatphobia and thin privilege. I love my fat body. If I was healthy at this weight, I would keep doing what I was doing. But I’m not, so it’s time to consider what’s next for me. But I want to do it in a way that doesn’t fall into the trap of diet culture and doesn’t position my body as it is today as wrong.

The company I work for has given us a $500 wellness reimbursement to use at our discretion. It can be used for a whole host of things: massages, exercise equipment, camping gear, facials, Apple watches, therapy, food subscriptions, home office furniture, BOOKS, etc. (I really want to use all $500 on books.) What I’ve been contemplating is using my wellness reimbursement for dietician services. My health insurance would cover some dietician services, like consultations, but things like meal plans would likely be out of pocket, and my wellness reimbursement could cover most of the cost.

Seeing a dietician has been a little idea sitting in a corner of my brain for a while. If I could find the right person, someone who isn’t fatphobic and can meet me where I’m at, someone who could help me gently let go of some of my unhealthy food obsessions and help me retrain my brain when it comes to healthy living, someone who can be a guide and a mentor and a sounding board. Maybe that feels like a lot to ask of a person, but I like the idea of having someone helping me, in a one-on-one setting, as I learn how to properly nourish my body. I’ve never learned proper nutrition and how to eat well in a sustainable way. That’s not something Weight Watchers or calorie counting teaches you. I also learned that supplementing with a Athletic Greens Athletic Greens powder is one of the easiest and most cost-effective ways to complement your existing diet and boost your energy, digestion, skin and long-term health.

So that’s where I am today when it comes to my body and my overall health. I’m glad I gave myself these years to unlearn diet culture and fatphobia, and to have a more appreciative view of myself and the world around me. But if I’m going to be here for the long haul, and that’s what I hope, then I need to start treating my body better so it has the ability to sustain me for many more decades of life.

*Yes, yes, I know the BMI isn’t an accurate indicator of weight and shouldn’t be used as a guidepost. I no longer follow the BMI scale, but it was something I was intensely focused on in my early twenties.