I had a lot of fun on my cruise. A lot of fun. The entertainment, the excursions, the relaxation, the food, the drinks, all of it was exciting and thrilling.

Yet, throughout it all, was this niggling feeling in the back of my head. A voice that grew louder and louder every time I clicked on my camera and flipped through the photos I took. I deleted picture after picture of me. Any full-body shots were deleted. Shots where I looked like I had 5 chins and my arms were the size of tree trunks were trashed. I rarely put on my bathing suit, wanting to stay in bigger tops that hid my belly.

Sitting there on the deck of a monstrous cruise ship, lightly rocking as we sailed towards incredible destinations such as Jamaica and Key West and the Cayman Islands, all I could think about was how unhappy I was with my body. How unmotivated I had become to exercise, drink water, or eat a healthy diet. How my life began revolving around food. I was on a fantastic cruise, something I never dreamed I would have the opportunity to do, and because of the way I had let myself go, I couldn’t fully relax and enjoy it.

It was then I decided I could take two paths:

• I could continue eating junk, half-heartedly exercising 2-3 times a week, and hating my body. This is the easier path. It requires no effort on my part to challenge my body with new forms of exercise, to stay away from tempting foods, and to completely change my way of living. I don’t have to worry about counting points, measuring out serving sizes, or forcing myself out of bed at 5AM for a workout. But on the flip side, it also means I’ll gain more and more weight, continue hating how I looked and thus hating myself, and soon enough, venture into the world of being plus size. That scares the effing crap out of me. That’s where my mother used to be and I don’t want that for my life. I don’t want to continue being unhappy. But then there’s always the second path…
• I can stop making excuses and fully embrace living a healthy lifestyle. I can stop kidding around with my health and start eating more clean foods, fewer meats and sweets, and getting back into the mode of exercise I was in at the end of last year/beginning of this one. Pushing my body to its limits. Challenging myself. Cutting out soda, cutting down on my sugar intake, and eating more fruits and veggies. It’s here where I will see my weight come off, my energy levels increase, and my happiness levels rise. But this path is a hard path. It’s tough and while I have a ton of people cheering me on from this path, it’s going to be a battle.

Spoiler: I’m choosing the second path. Not only because I want to lose weight and be happy with the reflection that greets me in the mirror, but also because I need to be healthy. Choosing the first path may seem easier now, but it will slap me in the face with obesity and medical problems down the road. I have to stop playing around. I have to stop half-assing my attempts at losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle. I know it can be done. I know I can do it because I’ve done it before.

And nothing helps me better than accountability. Especially accountability on my blog. I have been debating whether to post updates on my healthy living goals or to just stay mum and do it on my own. But I know my chances of success are vastly greater when I share it, when I get advice and support and feedback. Remaining quiet about my struggles and goals helps no one, most especially me. I’m a writer and I am perfectly okay with sharing my struggles, being vulnerable, and asking for advice on my blog. So I am.

I am joining up with the gorgeous Lauren From Texas and sharing my health and fitness updates every Thursday on this blog. She’s created a set of questions that I will be answering each week on my blog. The questions are the same each week and it’s mainly an update on my progress. If you’re so inclined to join us, she’ll be hosting the link-up on her blog. The questions are below:

Weigh-In: I will not be posting my weight here. I’ve done that enough and trust me, the scale wasn’t pretty to face this morning. But I did it. It’s a number I have never seen on the scale. And it’s time to see that number drop. I will say I am aiming to lose 45 pounds. It will be slow. It will not happen over the next 6 months. It took my mom over 2 years to lose 80 pounds, and I have a little more than half that to lose. But I can do this. Next week, you’ll get to find out whether I lost or gained weight, as I’ll only be posting how much I’ve gained or lost.

Exercise Completed: Does zip-lining count? Climbing up and down all the stairs on the cruise ship? Putt-putt golfing in the rain? That’s been the extent of my exercise this week. Sigh. I’m planning for a much better update next week.

Splurge/Guilty Pleasure: Hm. Two warm chocolate melting cakes, one apple pie, five six seven fruity drinks, enough pieces of chocolate to last me for the month of July… it’s been a week of splurges, to say the least.

Success Story: I’m back at Weight Watchers. It’s been a while. And it’s good to be back.

Recipe(s): Considering I’ve been subsisting on cruise cuisine and fast food for the past few weeks… yeah. I can’t remember the last time I made a recipe.

Photo:

If you feel like joining us, hop on over to Lauren’s blog to link up. As a quick note, the term “cardboard box diet” comes from the idea of all of us who have that cardboard box in our closet of clothes that are too small to fit us. That cardboard box is fueling us to live a healthier lifestyle and find that girl who was thin and fit once again. It’s not a diet program. For more info on this, you can find out here.

This wasn’t a good week. In fact, there is little motivation to write about it and fill you all in on how I did because I did extremely poorly. It was probably my worst week yet and it pains me to say so.

Of course, it never crossed my mind that I was going to be attacked by a killer mosquito on Sunday night, end up with 11 bites on my legs and feet, and have allergic reactions to the majority of them. It caused me to have to skip all my workouts for the week, which sent me on a downward spiral of bad eating. I wouldn’t say I went absolutely crazy, but I definitely didn’t follow my eating plan and I definitely slipped back into bad habits.

I should also admit that I can be very hard on myself. I’m getting better at not beating myself up so much when I can’t do something or I make a silly mistake, but I am very tough on myself when I make poor eating decisions. And since I make poor eating decisions a lot, well, you can see I spend a good chunk of my time waging internal yelling matches at myself.

I’m not very nice to myself. I’m not going to write down some of the stuff I say to myself because, seriously, it would make you cringe. I would never, ever say those things to someone I love — yet it comes so naturally for me to do it to myself. Funny how that works.

The truth is, I tried to cut myself some slack. Sure, I goofed up this week. I let old bad habits define the new me. And I don’t like that. But I was also dealing with a lot. My allergic reactions to my bites took a lot out of me. I had to deal with the swelling, the tightness, the incessant itching, the pain, the fact that I couldn’t even walk in flip-flops without my bites hurting. It sounds funny to say that mosquito bites were what caused my downfall but it’s true. My body doesn’t react well to them and I had to spend the week trying to take care of myself.

On the same note, I have a tendency to fall into the trap of eating for comfort when I’m sad or sick or upset or when something really good happens. I don’t want to use food as a reward – or a coping mechanism – anymore. My body was doing so much better before, when I was eating for fuel, not for comfort. When I was eating foods that were filling and healthy and good for my body, not foods that were mainly junk and sugar. And I most definitely do not want to go through another sugar detox week.

I want to find other things to comfort me when I’m sad or sick or upset. Other things to use as a reward when I get good news. A hot bubble bath at the end of a long day. A night spent lounging in bed, reading a trashy romance novel. Retail therapy. A pedicure. Renting a movie. An afternoon at the beach. Anything but food. In the end, making bad food choices to comfort myself has the opposite effect: I feel worse. Not only does it not take the pain away, but it also leaves me with a guilty conscience and an internal yelling match in my brain.

I can only use this week as a learning experience. I don’t want to be the girl who comforts herself with food anymore. I need to instill different coping routines when the going gets tough that allow me to take a step back and regroup – but not fall off my healthy eating habits. I know there are dozens of ways I can help myself when I’m feeling down, including slowing down and giving myself time off exercise (which I did this week). Sometimes, that’s what your body needs to repair itself and rejuvenate.

So that’s that. I’m not making excuses. I’m telling it like it is. I had a bad week. And I gained a few pounds because of it. But I have five days until I’m a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding. I have thirteen days until I leave on my cruise. That’s plenty of motivation to get back at it and refocus. I’m not going to lose the 16 lbs I wanted to lose through this journey, but if I can weigh less when I board the cruise ship than I did at the end of March, then that’s all I can ask of myself.

What are some non-food ways you comfort yourself after a bad day, or when you don’t feel well?

This wasn’t a proud week for me. Sometimes, the hardest part of this challenge is knowing I have to write my post each Monday and be honest about how I did. Because sometimes? Sometimes, I can handle how tough this challenge is and sometimes I can’t.

This week had its ups and downs. I managed to steer clear of most temptations but a combination of not exercising enough (only twice before I weighed in), indulging in Chick-Fil-A twice, and having a “cheat night” after a really rough day at work (a four-hour headache will do that to you) meant stepping on the scale was scary for me this week.

I’m trying to be very careful about letting my weight declare how I performed during the week. Yes, I slipped up but I also got right back on the horse after doing so. Usually, I let myself go until a new week begins. It’s a big step in a new direction.

I think what’s mainly keeping me in a good mood, even if my results weren’t anything to shout about, was the fact that I went bathing suit shopping on Friday night and didn’t hate the way my body looked while trying them on. (And came out with a killer bathing suit that I can’t wait to wear on the cruise!) I can feel and see the difference when I look in the mirror. My clothes are fitting better and my body is looking leaner.

No, I still have a long way to go before I can even think about trying on those “when I was skinny” clothes, but I’m getting there. Slowly by surely. Pound by pound. Week by week. It’s coming off and I want it to stay off. I want to form a new lifestyle through the process and this is the first time in my entire losing weight journey that I’ve found something that seems to be working.

It also helps that my body doesn’t take kindly to junk food anymore. While I relax my restrictions on the weekend, my stomach lets me know it doesn’t appreciate all the sugar and soda. And to think five weeks ago, my body was rebelling because it didn’t think it had enough! It’s amazing what our bodies are capable of.

Results? It’s not what I was hoping for, but it’s still a small step in the right direction.

	Starting Weight/Inches (taken on 3/18/12)	Current Weight/Inches (taken on 4/21/12)	Total Loss
Weight:	154.4 lbs	148.2 lbs	6.2 lbs
Left Arm:	13 in	12.5 in	.5 in
Right Arm:	12 in	11.5 in	.5 in
Chest:	37 in	36.5 in	.5 in
Waist:	39 in	37.5 in	1.5 in
Hips:	36 in	35 in	1 in
Left Thigh:	22.5 in	22 in	.5 in
Right Thigh:	23 in	22 in	1 in

So, no inches lost this week and only a .4-pound drop on the scale. But a loss is a loss and with the week I had, I’ll gladly take it. I have a few more weeks left of the challenge and I really want to, well, challenge myself to take this more seriously and focus myself. I know I can manage to lose 2 pounds a week if I really try.

I have learned so much during this journey and a part of me can’t believe I haven’t given up yet. I usually do and I think these weekly updates help. Yes, they may cause me to stress during the week that I’m not going to have a great weight loss number to show you guys but they also keep me focused on my goal.

I had a lot of catching up to do after I fell apart during Week 3. A combination of eating my feelings and relaxing the restrictions I placed on myself led to a major downfall that had me stepping on the scale and seeing a very disappointing number. So disappointing, I couldn’t even post about my week.

It was a week that showed me that I am no longer a girl who eats her feelings. That is not me anymore. Nothing good comes of that, I get no joy out of it. Simply put, it makes me feel worse than I did before.

Week 4 was tough. It was a hard, emotional, mental battle. I was constantly being hit in the face with temptations and cravings. It seemed as if every hour of every day was filled with thoughts of cheating. I had moments where I was THISCLOSE to giving in but at the last second stepped away and stayed true to the diet. There were times when I felt completely out of control but shutting the door to the temptation or craving was exactly what I needed to regain that control.

I need to be clear, though. I am not into depriving myself. That is not what I’m doing here and believe me, I find plenty of ways to treat myself throughout the week that doesn’t include sugary foods. I’m trying to take back control over my eating habits and the only way I know how to do that is to be strict with myself. To declare foods off-limits. But I also loosen my restrictions on the weekends. I try not to go hog wild, but I do allow myself a soda or cookies or what I’m craving. This way I know I just have to be strict five days a week. I hope to get to the point where this feels more natural and normal and I don’t need a cheat day. I’m slowly getting there. I can see a change in my body and a change in my mindset. But I also know depriving yourself of the foods you crave isn’t the way to live life. In most cases, I’m not really craving the food or drink, but want it for the comfort aspect, so I know if I just wait it out, the craving will pass.

I went this entire week without drinking soda. Five entire days. I never thought I could go one day, let alone five. And have it feel completely normal! I went the majority of this week without chocolate and when I did have it, it was in tiny doses. (And I’m trying to stay away from sugar-free chocolate since I’m also staying away from sugar substitutes as much as I can.) Yes, I’m placing restrictions on myself. Yes, I do feel like I’m on a diet. But I’m seeing success. I’m learning more about nutrition and eating the right foods, not foods that may be low in calories and fat but leave you feeling hungry within an hour.

It’s hard. It’s unbelievably hard. But I also feel incredible. Not just physically, but mentally. I feel incredibly powerful when I can say no to temptation. I feel in control of my body.

It’s a struggle, I won’t lie. It is not easy. But it’s worth it. It’s so worth it.

Wanna see some results? Of course you do!

	Starting Weight/Inches(taken on 3/18/12)	Current Weight/Inches(taken on 4/14/12)	Total Loss
Weight:	154.4 lbs	148.6 lbs	5.8 lbs
Left Arm:	13 in	12.5 in	-.5 in
Right Arm:	12 in	11.5 in	-.5 in
Chest:	37 in	36.5 in	-.5 in
Waist:	39 in	37.5 in	-1.5 in
Hips:	36 in	35 in	-1 in
Left Thigh:	22.5 in	22 in	-.5 in
Right Thigh:	23 in	22 in	-1 in

*Bolded, colored type are the areas I lost weight/inches in.

Considering I gained a good amount the week before, I am very happy with my results. Lost all the weight I gained the week before along with another .6 lbs! If I want to hit 16 pounds lost by the time my cruise comes around, I would need to lose around 10 lbs in the next month. That’s tough, but I’m not stressing. If I don’t meet my goal, oh well. As long as I’m sticking to my plan and losing weight, I’m a happy camper. Weight doesn’t come off easily for me (contrary to what people think, being young DOES NOT MEAN IT’S EASIER TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!) so 6 lbs in a month is awesome. It makes me very, very happy! And a total of 5.5 inches lost around my body? I’m ecstatic!

My plan for next week is to stick to my diet of eating foods with less than 5g of sugar, staying away from all soda, and trying to lower the number of carbs I eat. Not in the sense of going low carb, but more in the sense of staying away from white flour as much as I can. I’m fine with whole wheat and whole grains, but not the white stuff. It’s so bad for you!

Are you an emotional eater? What tips do you have for someone whose first line of defense after a bad day is reaching for junk food?

Week two went a whole lot better than week one. While I suffered through some cravings, I learned that the world will not cave in if I don’t have chocolate every day, soda isn’t my biggest downfall anymore, and most importantly how to eat to live, not live to eat.

For the longest time, I have struggled with food addiction. It seemed as if it was all I thought about. I would be thinking about what I was having for dinner at 9:00 in the morning! I was constantly debating cheating on my diet by having Chick-Fil-A for lunch. I was eating cookies and candy like it was my job and didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t think it was possible for me to go one day without chocolate, or more than a few days without a soda. This week, aside from three sugar-free Fudgsicles (i.e., not the chocolate I’m really craving/used to) and half a bottle of Cherry Coke Zero, I went chocolate and soda-free. I didn’t even realize this until Friday when I sat down and thought about it.

It’s amazing what you actually can do when you release the limitations you place yourself under.

It’s obvious I have a hard time trusting and believing in myself. It’s where all my anxiety stems from. Every time I submit a work project or go for a run, I’m constantly battling the anxiety demon, mocking me and telling myself I am not good enough. Some days, I feel eaten alive by all the anxiety I’m battling. But what this whole process is showing me is how capable I am. I am capable of taking my biggest sources of struggle and defeating them.

I am a capable woman and even if I do battle a food addiction, I have shown myself I can attack it from all sides and defeat it. While food plays just one part of my life, I believe I can take what I’m learning here and apply it to all aspects of my life.

I craved a lot of bad foods this week and for the most part, I acknowledged the craving and tried to figure out where it was coming from. Why was I craving junk? In most cases, it wasn’t a real craving but a Yo-Steph-This-Is-How-You-Used-to-Eat-Your-Mind-Misses-It type of craving. I’m just so used to cheating on my diet that not letting myself get broken down by my cravings? That’s a new experience. But with each one that came, it passed. Once I took my mind off it, once I settled myself down and reminded myself why I was doing this, the craving would cease.

Every day, it gets a little easier. Not easy. No. It is not easy at all. It is hard, tough work. But my mind and body are slowly getting used to living on little sugar.

I really want to start tracking again using My Fitness Pal, since I’ve used the past two weeks to just learn how to eat and fuel in a completely different way, but now it’s time to crack down and get super serious about how much I’m consuming.

Who’s ready for some results?

	Starting Weight/Inches (taken on 3/18/12)	Current Weight/Inches (taken on 3/31/12)	Total Loss
Weight:	154.4 lbs	149.2 lbs	5.2 lbs
Left Arm:	13 in.	13 in.	0 in.
Right Arm:	12 in.	11.5 in.	.5 in.
Chest:	37 in.	36.5 in.	.5 in.
Waist:	39 in.	38 in.	1 in.
Hips:	36 in.	35 in.	1 in.
Left Thigh:	22.5 in.	22 in.	.5 in.
Right Thigh:	23 in.	22 in.	1 in.

 

Another fabulous week! I’ve lost a total of 4.5 inches around my body in the past two weeks, which is amazing. I didn’t exercise as much as I wanted to and I want to implement more strength training to help tone up my arms, shoulders, and thighs but I’m still very happy with my results. I can’t wait to see what Week 3 brings me!

On a completely unrelated note! Lauren, you are the winner of my giveaway, a free copy of Illusion by Frank Peretti. Email me with your address and I’ll put the book in the mail this week. So excited for you!