“WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU FAILED. Now what?”

I know people have been harping on The Biggest Loser this season because of the child ambassadors or Jillian Michaels’ crazy training tactics. She’s tough and she’s mean but I like her. I mean, I would hate her as a trainer but she gets results and she pushes people beyond their limits. Or rather, what they think are their limits.

The first or second show in, she had a screaming match with one of the contestants and said this above line. The contestant was having a hard time because she was afraid of failing with the workouts, that they would be too hard and she couldn’t do them.

Congratulations.

You failed.

NOW WHAT?

I love that. Because I have failed. I have failed a lot, especially when it comes to healthy living. I think we can get stuck on those failures, it runs an endless loop through our brains as we remember all the different times we have failed with a plethora of different things. Workouts and eating and drinking and calorie counting and food journaling. On and on and on and on. I have failed so much.

Well, boo-freaking-hoo.

I failed. It happens. Congratulations to me. I have fallen off the wagon. I have binged. I have made plans and fallen apart. I have treated my body like crap.

I have failed.

But NOW WHAT?

What am I going to do now? How am I going to get back up and try again? That’s the key to all of this. Recognizing failures and setbacks but moving on. Not giving up because you failed once, twice, three times, or even twenty times. Moving forward, making action plans, figuring out what to do differently next time to turn that failure into a success.

One day, it’s all going to click. I can’t describe it, but it’s as if a sensor goes off in your brain and all those past failures, all those times you got smacked to the ground but stood up and tried again only to get smacked on the ground again… they lead to success. They are necessary, sometimes, to find success.

I tried over and over again to give up soda. I tried quitting cold turkey. Didn’t work. I tried slowly working it out of my life, baby step by baby step. Didn’t work. Until finally, things clicked. Something shifted in my brain where I suddenly got it. I am on Day 16 of my soda fast and holy hell, it is hard. I crave it. I want it. But I just don’t give in. Why? Why is this time different, when all those other times I gave in?

I don’t have the right answer. The craving to end my addiction to soda is greater than the craving to have soda. As much as I want it, I feel so much better about myself when I deny myself the craving. I feel strong and in control of my body.

I’m not doing everything right. In fact, I’m doing a lot more things wrong when it comes to healthy eating than right. But I will get there. Slowly. With failures rattling behind me. But I will keep pushing, keep fighting, keep trying. 

Failures happen. It’s inevitable, no matter what we do. We’re going to slip up and make mistakes. The important part is to move on.

So you failed at something.

Congratulations! You are human.

NOW WHAT?

Starting Weight: 166.6 lbs
Current Weight: 164.2 lbs
Weight Gained This Week: +.4 lbs
Weight Lost Total: 2.4 lbs

Before I get to my weigh-in post today, I have to take a moment to congratulate the San Francisco 49ers for making it to the Superbowl! My brother has been a faithful fan since he saw them win the Superbowl in 1994 – when he was 8 years old. He’s followed them through all their losing seasons until now – NFC Champions heading to the Superbowl. It feels surreal, but they earned their place there.

I decided something last weekend. I decided that I’m not in this healthy lifestyle for a specified period of time. I’m not doing this to see a particular number on the scale and my journey doesn’t end when I reach my goal weight. I am doing this for overall health. I want to treat my body better by listening to its internal cues. I want to move more, eat less junk, and fill my body with good, wholesome foods.

I know. Duh. But I think I’ve had this dieting mindset for so long. I just have to be good ’til cheat day, I would always think to myself. I didn’t focus on overall health. I can really feel this shift in my thinking as I approach a new way to look at my health and fitness.

But it’s a process. It’s an up-and-down battle with my cravings and understanding change. It’s about discovering what parts of my life aren’t fitting into my ultimate goals of health and wellness. Changing your entire mindset on how you eat and what you eat is really, really hard. (Duh.) It’s not an overnight process, or will even happen over the course of a few months – especially not with me, with how stubborn I can be about food.

I want to slowly chip away at these unhealthy behaviors I have in my life until I have rid myself of them.

Right now, I am focused on two things: exercising consistently and quitting soda cold turkey.

Exercising consistently has been rather easy. I have Best Body Bootcamp to thank for that, as I have three built-in strength-training workouts a week (my favorite way to exercise) and then I just have to come up with my own workouts two to three times a week for myself. Once I get into a pattern of working out, I’m in it for good. My alarm wakes me up at 5:30 four times a week and as long as I go to bed early, it’s really not hard for me to drag myself out of bed to work out. I feel good about the progress I am making and I can feel my body getting stronger and my endurance levels increasing.

The second habit is one I have struggled with for years, well documented on this blog. I love soda. A lot. While some people reach for wine or beer at the end of a difficult day, I reach for soda. The combination of sweetness and carbonation calms me. But I know it’s incredibly bad for me and I am addicted to it. I’m emotionally attached to the stuff. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to quit it before, sometimes trying cold turkey and sometimes by gradually working it out of my life. But I think I needed all those failed attempts to bring me to where I am now. It’s been over a week since I last had a soda. I’ve never gone this long. Either the headaches or the constant fatigue or the cravings hit me too hard and I give in.

I think all of my unsuccessful attempts have helped me to ease off the addiction as towards the latter part of last year, I wasn’t drinking it as much so my body isn’t as addicted to it as it has been previously. Friday night was the first time I had a real craving for it but I held strong and got over it.

I feel so ready this time. I finally feel as if I am strong enough to resist the temptations. I have never felt like this in my past attempts. I am not constantly thinking about the next time I’ll get to have a soda and luckily, it’s not readily available at work (and almost every coworker drinks water constantly) so my only battles come when I’m at restaurants. I think the hardest part of this has been the constant tiredness. I’m getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night (and I take a daily iron pill) but I’m still so tired every day. I don’t want to use this time to get addicted to coffee and caffeine so I’m just going to keep getting lots of sleep, keep exercising, and pray my body gets used to no caffeine SOON.

While I’m acing every test when it comes to those two habits, I’m not as focused on eating perfectly. But honestly? I’m not worried about that right now. I am not going to put pressure on myself to heal every unhealthy habit right now. I have my entire life to do that and I think these two areas are necessary to get me on the right track.

The next goal I want to work on is meal planning for healthy dinners every week. I can get so lazy with this and then I have a week (like last week…) where I ate out all but once because I didn’t have anything planned for dinner.

In any event, with my eyes focused on exercising and not drinking soda, and not eating healthy all the time, I was a bit worried about weigh-in but I told myself it’s not about the number on the scale and even if it shows a gain, I still made incredible strides in cutting out soda. (Luckily, the scale didn’t disappoint!)

Starting Weight: 166.6 lbs
Current Weight: 163.8 lbs
Weight Lost This Week: 1.0 lbs
Weight Lost Total: 2.8 lbs

What is one unhealthy habit you’re trying to kick this year?

You know how when you watch The Biggest Loser, the second week is always the bad week? They gain, maintain, or lose only a pound or two. It’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Contestants know this week is notorious for bad numbers on the scale.

The second week when I start making the intention to be healthier is always the bad one for me. My first week, I am full of momentum and motivation to stick to my plan and I feel great and in control. Then the second week hits and suddenly, I have pitched myself off the healthy wagon and am rolling, rolling, rolling down a mountain of unhealthy and bad decisions.

I want to be an all-around healthier person. I don’t want my focus to be on calorie counting or numbers on the scale. I want to embrace intuitive eating and discover what unhealthy habits I need to kick to become the fit, strong girl I know I can be. It’s not so much about being skinny and hating who I am because I’m overweight. It’s about becoming stronger, becoming healthier, and loving who I am because I make good choices – not because of external factors.

I want to stop being ashamed of my body. 

It’s easy to look at the long road I have ahead of me and get so overwhelmed that not even starting feels easier. I know I have the desire and the power to lose all this weight, but I also know all my problems don’t begin and end with being overweight. I think, as I go through this journey, I will begin to be proud of the accomplishments I rack up and the changes I see and feel in my body and my mind but I also know that being overweight does not mean there is anything wrong with me. (And this is where The Biggest Loser fails a LOT.) Does it mean I’m lazy and unambitious? Not in the least! I’ve fallen into this habit of I’ll do this when I lose weight and waiting on that for when I’m thinner and feel better about myself. And by putting things off and being ashamed of what I look like, not celebrating who I am, I am missing out on the brilliant pieces of life.

Do I want to lose weight? Yes. Because I am unhealthy. But I also know I could be unhealthy if I was skinny and fit into those size two jeans with no issue. It’s not about sizes. It’s about overall health and wellness. It’s not about fad diets or writing down every single morsel of food I eat. It’s about understanding nutrition, using foods as fuel, and eliminating the junk that is weighing me down (pun?).

And it’s about focusing on the positives. Like the fact I drank more water than soda this week. And I worked out five days. I ate healthy breakfasts and lunches. Baby steps. I know there’s this crazy idea that the clock strikes midnight, a new year is upon us and suddenly, we are changed people and none of our past behaviors will stay with us in the new year. Load. Of. Baloney. I’m not giving up on my resolutions. I am not giving up on those 50 lbs I want to lose, that 5K I want to train for, or the fact that I want to completely give up soda. Sure, I hit a speed bump this week but that doesn’t mean all is lost. Every week, every day, every hour is a new chance to get back up and try again.

I’m going to keep trying. The other option is to quit and my dreams are worth way more than that.

Starting Weight: 166.6 lbs
Current Weight: 164.8 lbs (down 1.0 lbs this week!)
Weight Lost Total: 1.8 lbs

I decided to take a break from writing my weigh-in posts over the last few weeks of December. I was in full-time holiday mode, enjoying all the treats and sugary goodness this time of year brings. I didn’t step on the scale until the Saturday before New Year’s Eve and that’s when I had to face the music.

The verdict? I gained 4 pounds in 3 weeks.

Not good. Not good at all.

I tend to go overboard during holidays and vacations and take a complete step back from being any semblance of health. I stop exercising. I stop drinking water and eating fresh fruits and veggies. And I binge on anything and everything unhealthy. I know what I am doing and I understand why I am doing it… it’s just too hard to walk away from it when I’m in the midst of it.

But here I am. It is a new year and I am determined to make this a year where I put in the hard work and dedication it takes to lose weight and be an all-around healthier individual. I’m tired of failing and messing up and feeling as if I can’t get this. It’s exhausting and defeating. I’m just ready to stop it.

The excuses have to stop.

I can do it.

I can lose weight. I can revamp my diet. I can stop drinking soda for good. I can become a runner. I can put in the work to achieve this major life goal of mine. I can step outside of my food and exercise comfort zones.

I can do this.

I will do this.

This is something that I cannot fail at. To fail is to believe in the lies that I’m not good enough. To fail is to set myself up for long-term health problems and even more self-esteem issues than I currently have.

And the more I tell myself I can do this, the more I start believing it. And that is the first step in taking control of my health and ignoring the excuses clamoring for attention inside my head.

In the wise words of Molly Maher: No goal is out of my reach.

None.

2013 is going to be a defining year in my journey. I can taste it. I can feel it. I am owning it.

Starting Weight: 166.6 lbs
Current Weight: 165.8 lbs (down 2.2 from last week)
Weight Lost: .8 lbs

I can’t help but remember the one and only time I was super successful at losing weight. It was May of 2007. I was 19 and had recently moved home after an awful year of living in the dorms at USF in Tampa. My mom had started WW in October and was doing amazingly well. I had just started a job at a preschool, working full-time in the infant room, and decided to join my mother. I had about 25 lbs to lose, just a little chunk I wanted to get rid of.

My weight loss story actually began a few months before that, when I started using Sparkpeople to track my food and exercising regularly at the gym on campus. I lost about 10-15 lbs in a few months and people were noticing. I felt good and I loved the compliments.

Fast forward to May when I began Weight Watchers and was down to 125 lbs by July. Just 10 lbs away from my goal. My shirts were x-small, my pants a size four. I had collarbones and tiny shoulders and the beginning of a tiny waist. I was so proud of my reflection, so thrilled at the progress.

And as I think back on that time, when I was so close to hitting my goal weight, I remember how easy it felt. It wasn’t hard. I didn’t cut out all my favorite foods or go on any crazy fasts or train for any races. I just ate sensibly. I indulged when I wanted to. My portion sizes were controlled and my snacking wasn’t out of hand. I exercised regularly and followed the plan. It really wasn’t all that hard.

Of course, over the past five years, I have managed to gain all that weight back, plus a lot extra so there were definitely some flaws. But I credit getting extremely busy with school, work, and internships as to why I ended up gaining the weight. I didn’t learn the behaviors necessary to sustain me when life got crazy.

But still. I remember that girl. I remember how she felt when someone complimented her on her weight loss. I remember how she felt when she had to go down yet another size in clothes. I remember how she tracked her food and exercised regularly. I remember how she indulged sensibly and how she felt when she looked in the mirror. I remember that girl.

I know I have it in me to be that girl again. When it comes down to it, it’s really not hard to lose weight: just eat right, drink lots of water, and exercise. It’s the behavior behind why we have gained the weight that makes things difficult. We have to learn the tools to eat healthy in every situation, to not let those little bumps in the road lead to a downward spiral. For me, it was a two-month plateau and then a hectic life that made me reach for convenience foods, rather than healthy foods.

I still have a box full of clothes that 2007 Stephany could fit into. I refuse to get rid of them. One day, I will be the size I need to be to fit into them. I will be able to slip on those jeans and that shirt and it will be as if I have come full circle. I need to believe I can be that girl again.

Starting Weight: 166.6 lbs
Current Weight: 164 lbs
Weight Lost: 2.6 lbs