Stephany Writes

Categories: Life

A Little Break

Tomorrow begins my month-long break from blogging and social media.

It’s a tradition I started back in 2012 when I was going through a painful time and I needed to step away from the online world for just a little bit, to clear my head, to get back to myself.

It was such a rejuvenating time for me, so exactly what I needed, that I have continued to take month-long breaks from blogging and social media each year (excluding 2014).

Usually, I take the break in August, but this year, I decided to take my break in September because I knew I would be moving and I figured it would be best if I could be present during this time of transition, to step away from the distraction and the loudness of social media.

I won’t lie, though, I am seriously having second thoughts about taking my break. I’m worried about how I’ll handle the move, and wondering if the distraction of social media is exactly what I need.

I usually start a social media break excited to get away, but I have trepidation this year. I am drowning in fear of “what if I feel sad… lonely… scared…?”

It’s scary to be this vulnerable, but being vulnerable and completely open to how I’m feeling is the only way I know how to be. Even when it’s scary to admit how terrified I am of change. Even when it’s good change. Even when I want the change.

So there it is. I am scared. But I am going to take the break anyway. Because I know I need to. I know I need to sit with the uncomfortable feelings of loneliness and fear and sadness and let it be okay to not be okay. The distraction of social media is not helpful; what is helpful is acknowledging my feelings and giving myself buckets of grace to make it through the struggle of transition.

I have a lot of plans for how to use my time away. I want to:

  • settle into my new place and make it a home. (And try not to freak out about moving in a freaking tropical depression! ARGH!)
  • get back to reading my Bible and really digging into the lessons God is trying to teach me right now. I haven’t been very connected to God lately, mostly due to my own inability to accept grace, and that needs to stop.
  • figure out my five pillars of singleness. I loved this post from Leigh Kramer that talked about her ideal single life and identified her five pillars of singleness. This really spoke to me in my unending (or so it feels) journey of singleness.
  • write lots of fiction because that’s something I haven’t been doing as regularly as I want.
  • figure out an exercise schedule that gets me excited to work out again.

It’ll be a good month. A hard month, a growing month, but a good month. I’m excited to start this new journey and to have a place to make 100% my own.

Have a good September, everyone. I’ll be back in October!

Categories: Life

What I Learned in July

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1) Gut instinct is a real thing.

Early in July, an apartment came available in the community I want to live in when I move in September. The rent was about $70 over my ideal price, but my nerves got the best of me – I wanted to live in this community and I’ll deal with the higher rent price! I called the leasing office, had the application emailed to me, and was on my way to get money orders for the application fee and security deposit. But while I was driving, my stomach was twisted into knots. All I kept thinking was that I was making a bad choice.

So I turned around. I left. I listened to my gut feeling, which was telling me that this was not the apartment.

And then, two days later, an apartment in that same community came available at the exact rental price I was looking for. Timing is everything, isn’t it?

I’m so glad I paid attention to what my gut was telling me because by doing so, I was able to apply for the apartment I truly wanted. And I did so with peace, knowing I was following my intuition.

2) Braiding a friendship bracelet is surprisingly therapeutic.

My roommate introduced me to the relaxing benefits of braiding a friendship bracelet. I’m not sure how I lived 28 years of my life without ever making a friendship bracelet, but here I am. I’m still working on mine, but I’ve been braiding little by little while watching TV. I started while watching a John Mulaney comedy special (highly recommend – it’s on Netflix!), continued through episodes of Big Brother, and braided while watching the fourth Harry Potter movie. It’s such a calming activity – give it a try!

3) Part of the reason why I love my alone time is because I’m not *technically* alone.

One of my least favorite things to do is to drop Dutch off at PetSmart for baths and vet appointments. Even though I know he needs them, it still breaks my heart to hand off my little munchkin to these people who don’t have the same emotional attachment to him as I do. I just want to tell them how special he is and to treat him kindly. (I shudder to think of the kind of mom I will be. SIGH.)

I also hate dropping Dutch off because coming home to an empty apartment is quite dreadful. It’s just so quiet. Even though Dutch is small and he doesn’t make a ton of noise, there’s something comforting about having another living being (can a dog be a “being”?) with me. Alone time feels a bit lonelier without him by my side. Even if he’s away from me, sleeping in his bed, it’s comforting to know I am not technically alone. Dutch is there.

I guess it’s something you get used to, or maybe this is just what makes me a dog person. I can’t imagine my life without a buddy by my side.

4) I just really hate going to the beach.

My friend told me about a beach that was small, quiet, and secluded after I told her how much I hated beaches because they’re always so busy and crazy and loud. So I went to this beach and, you know, it was my kind of beach. It was really peaceful. It wasn’t crowded or filled with screaming kids. It also had an easy-to-access parking lot. But, even so, I have come to the understanding that I’m just not a beach person. I wish I was. I’d like to be, but I’m not.

I think it’s because it takes so much effort. And driving to the beach (this beach was a 45-minute drive, ugh) is annoying. And then I want to make sure all the effort is worth it so I want to stay a long time, but truthfully, after 3 hours, I’m ready to call it a day.

Kudos to all of you beach people, but I’ll just stick to pools and cruise ships. (And if you’re wondering: no, I never do beach excursions while on a cruise. Good for you, not for me!)

5) Visiting a puppy store is a healing experience.

My mom and I visited a puppy store in July and it was everything I could have ever hoped for. I spent most of my visit snuggling a Victorian bulldog puppy who fell asleep on my chest. There was also a dachshund puppy who was just so wee and cute. My mom and I made the mistake of inquiring about the prices for these two puppies. (Verdict: the bulldog was $3,000 and the dachshund was $1,500.)

BUT JUST LOOK AT THIS:

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I’d never buy a puppy from a puppy store, mind you. All of my dogs have been rescues and that’s how I will continue to get dogs. And also, I’d never spend that much money on a dog. (Can you even imagine?!)

But still, visiting the puppy store was so wonderful. I loved spending time with the puppies and snuggling them. They were all so excited and sweet. It was a healing, restorative experience.

6) Lisa Unger lives in the Tampa Bay Area.

Who knew? She’s a favorite of my book club (we’ve read two of her books as a book club, though many members have read several of her novels) and I had no idea she lived in our area. Next step: get her to join us for a book club discussion!

7) I think I like country music.

I’ve always been one of those “I like all music except country” types of people. And then I started watching Nashville and I fell in love with their music. So much so that I bought the first two volumes of their songs on CD. But still, I resisted country music. I liked the music from Nashville, but not, like, actual country music. No way!

Well, on a whim, I decided to listen to the Hot Country playlist on Spotify. And I loved the music. So much! With each new song that played, I found myself adding it to my playlist.

What is it about country music that I love so much? Maybe it’s the storytelling aspect. Maybe it’s the drawls. Maybe it’s the seriously fun, easy-to-sing-along-to songs. All I know is that I’m enjoying this new aspect of my music tastes.

Tell me, what’s something you learned this past month?

Post inspired by Modern Mrs. Darcy

Categories: Life

My Favorite Podcasts (Round 3)

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Every year around this time, I like to write about the podcasts I listen to. I wrote my first post in 2014, a follow-up post in 2015, and now I’m doing Round 3 today. Like everything in life, my podcasting tastes grow and change through the years. There are podcasts that were on those previous lists that I no longer listen to, podcasts I am still as obsessed with today as I was two years ago, and plenty of new ‘casts I’ve added to my feed.

I’m not going to list every podcast I listen to (you can refer to my 2015 post for that – many of those are the same!), but I am going to list some of my favorites that I think are worth a listen!

For an inspiring podcast about living with intention… The Lively Show.

The Lively Show has been on my list every year because it remains my favorite podcast. It is the show that introduced me to this fascinating world of podcasts, and in the two-and-a-half years since it first aired, it has just gotten better and better. Currently, Jess is traveling through Europe so she’s not interviewing guests, but instead giving us a real-time glimpse into what it’s like to travel while trying to live life purposefully. I love this little step-back because these episodes are just as fascinating as her “normal” ones, but I am also looking forward to the interviews coming back. Jess is a fantastic interviewer, and I always come away with something to think about.

For a podcast about women’s history, feminism, and pop culture… Stuff Mom Never Told You.

I feel like Cristen and Caroline are my friends because I’ve been listening to them for so long. I truly appreciate their viewpoints and the way they approach their topics. The episodes can range from silly (like pet names for significant others) to the serious (like rape culture), and I feel like I’m constantly learning from them and reframing my point of view.

For a podcast all about books and news from the publishing world… Book Riot.

Book Riot has to be one of the top book podcasts out there because it consistently puts out engaging and interesting episodes that dive deep into the heart of what’s going on in the book world. I like how the hosts have very strong opinions and don’t hold back their thoughts on any topic, which always makes for a lively discussion.

For a podcast that feels like a fun chat with your girlfriends… The Shepod.

This short-and-sweet podcast is just plain fun. It feels like brain candy, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just mean that I know when I listen to an episode, it’s going to be fun and light-hearted and easy listening. Each episode is about 30 minutes in length and it’s one of those podcasts I can go to when I’m feeling down and it’ll immediately lift me up. And Sara’s laugh gives me life. 🙂

For a podcast that will cause your TBR list to grow… What Should I Read Next?

This newer podcast is basically a recommendation show in which the host, Anne Bogel, talks to a guest about three books he or she loves, one book he or she hated, and what the guest has been reading lately. Based on that conversation, Anne recommends three books. Talking about books that people have loved and hated can be tricky because books have such a personal and emotional connection. But there’s no judgment – just deep, honest discussion about the books that have impacted us.

For a podcast that covers topics like race, gender, and pop culture in a seriously funny way… Another Round.

This podcast is my favorite, mainly because Heben and Tracey are outstanding podcast hosts. They are funny, self-deprecating, and intelligent. Their perspective on race, gender, and culture has seriously rocked my world and helped me to see things in a completely different light. They have fun segments that are just the two of them chatting and they also have some incredible guests. (I think my favorite interview so far was with Marley Dias, the girl who launched the #1000BlackGirlBooks campaign. She’s more articulate at 11 than I am at 28! And I basically sobbed when this precious girl recited I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Pleeeeeease give that episode a listen.)

For a podcast that takes a meandering approach to interviewing inspiring guests… Real Talk Radio with Nicole Antoinette.

I love this podcast, even if Nicole doesn’t follow all the so-called “rules” of podcasting. For one, her episodes are long – usually 2 hours in length. For another, she releases all of her episodes for each season on the same day. I never listen to all of the episodes all at once (usually one per week, like I would with a “normal” podcast), but I really love the meandering way she interviews. With such a long podcast, I feel like we get to see so many sides to a person’s life: their business, their routines, their relationships, their mistakes, their successes, their backgrounds. Nicole dives deep and isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions, which makes for heartfelt conversations.

For a podcast that interviews interesting guests about their thoughts on topics people normally shy away from… Death, Sex & Money.

Anna Sale forever has my heart! I adore this podcast and it’s nice that it’s usually never longer than 30 minutes. (Though sometimes I wish certain episodes were longer to dive deeper into the guests’ lives.) Anna always has a good mix of guests: sometimes celebrities, sometimes not. And, as the title suggests, the conversation always centers around death, sex, and/or money. Anna is probably the best interviewer I’ve come across in my podcast listening!

Honorable mentions: Call Your Girlfriend, The Nerdist, StartUp, Stuff You Should Know, Starr Struck Radio, and Invisibilia

Do you listen to podcasts? If so, what’s your favorite to listen to? If not, what’s stopping you?! 😉

Categories: Life

Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating

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I’m always interested to know how people met their significant others. There are the usual stories: college, a bar, work, etc. But then there are the stories that really intrigue me: the ones who have met their significant others online. My roommate is one example, a coworker is another, and my mom is a third. (Yep – Mom met my stepfather through OK Cupid if you can believe that!)

Online dating used to have a stigma attached to it: only people who couldn’t meet a mate in the “real world” opts for online dating. But that stigma is quickly fading. I mean, now it’s odd if you’re single and aren’t using a dating app, thanks to Tinder and Bumble and Hinge that have turned online dating into a game to play.

I’ve been online dating for five years now, and there have been some great moments and some truly terrible moments. But I feel like I’ve gained a lot of experience over the years, just from being on the sites and from talking to friends about their experiences. So, I thought it might be fun to write a list of “Dos and Don’ts” when it comes to online dating. Here we go!

Do provide a variety of photos

My general rule of thumb is to have 4-5 pictures: one selfie, one full-body photo, and then up to three photos that showcase part of your personality (I usually include a picture of Dutch and me and a picture of me on a cruise). I think those first two photos, though, are key. I like a selfie for my profile picture because it showcases my face front and center, which is important (I despise profile pictures that include a group of people because… who is the person I’m supposed to be looking at?!) And then a full-body shot is necessary because nobody wants to be surprised come the first date! 😉

Your pictures are how a match gets to know you. So much of online dating is about visuals, so choose photos that truly represent you.

Don’t get stuck in a texting relationship

It depends on how responsive the person I’m talking to is, but I tend to like 3-5 days of talking online to see if there’s any sort of connection. After that, it’s time to make a plan to meet. I try not to spend more than 10 days from the first message to the first date. Now, I totally understand that my time frame might seem outrageously long to some people, but I like to take my time to get to know someone before agreeing to a first date.

I once got caught up in a texting relationship for two months (true story!) so, for me, 10 days is small potatoes. Exchange a handful of messages, and if it’s going well, establish a time to meet up in person. Don’t get stuck exchanging messages for weeks, though.

Do understand what you want

In my opinion, it’s important to have standards because it helps to define exactly what you’re looking for. Your time is precious and you don’t want to spend it going on dates with people who don’t fulfill certain criteria for you. Get super clear on what you are looking for – and this isn’t only physical. What kind of partnership do you want? What certain things do you need out of a relationship? Figure out your standards and you’ll find dating to be a lot more fun!

(That said, there’s a difference between having standards and having high standards. For example, it’s okay to want to date someone who is taller than you, but if you only want to date people who are a specific height, you might have high standards.)

Don’t get picked up on a first date

This is my number one piece of advice for online dating – never get picked up on a first date, I don’t care how nice the person may seem. Typically, I wait until the 4th or 5th date for that, though I once made the mistake of getting picked up on a second date (one that ended horrifically) and having to sit through a long dinner where I felt uncomfortable was pretty miserable. Also: this person is still a stranger to you! You haven’t met them in person, so giving them your home address is wacky to me.

Do get yourself tested

Okay, ladies and gents, I need to put on my parental hat here. If you are online dating and not getting tested for STDs regularly, we’re going to need to have a chat. Your sexual health needs to be as important as your standards for who you will and will not date. At a minimum, you need to get tested once a year if you’re sexually active. (But if you’ve had unprotected sex and/or you believe your partner has an STD, you’ll want to get tested again.)

If you’re unsure of what STD testing entails (and I get it – it can be scary!), there’s a handy-dandy website to help you learn more about STDs and the types of testing you can choose from. They even have a nifty symptom checker to help you discover which STDs you need to be tested for, if any.

Don’t leave home without an exit strategy

Before you leave for your date, make sure you have an exit strategy in place. This is especially important for women, to have a way to leave the date if things become uncomfortable. This allows you to leave the date whenever you want – even if you’re five minutes in. You do not have to stay there if you feel unsafe. Have a friend standing by to call you with an “emergency,” have an excuse ready to go if you need to leave, just have an exit strategy.

Having an exit strategy may sound dishonest or mean. But it’s not; it’s smart dating. It can be a scary world out there, and if you’re not feeling comfortable with the person you’re with, then you need to follow your gut and leave.

Do enjoy the experience

Online dating can be the worst. I totally get that. I’ve been doing it for 5+ years, and it has had high-highs and low-lows. But when I take away the pressure of finding the perfect mate and just try to enjoy the experience of meeting new people, I find myself liking this world of online dating. I have met some really cool and interesting guys that I would never have met if it weren’t for OK Cupid and Tinder and eHarmony. I’ve gotten to explore more of my city, try new restaurants, and see new things. Be open to what’s to come. It may exceed your expectations.

This post was sponsored by STD Testing Plus, a website that provides fast, accurate, and confidential STD testing at labs throughout the United States. All words and opinions are my own. Thank you for supporting me.

How did you meet your significant other? If you’re single, any additional “Dos” or “Don’ts” that I left off my list?

Categories: Life

10 Things I Loved in June

1. My first Escape Room experience. Early in the month, I traveled to downtown St. Pete to try my hand at an Escape Room. I’ve always wanted to do one of these rooms, so I was really looking forward to it. Thankfully, the experience didn’t let me down at all! It was super fun to figure out all the different clues and how they connected to one another. It only took us 35 minutes, too! I’m actually going to my second Escape Room experience this Thursday with some coworkers. I can’t wait!

2. An eventful day at the dog beach. My mom, stepdad, and I took Dutch to the dog beach in June, which was… well, eventful to say the least. Dutch drank too much salt water after swimming in the ocean and ended up getting sick. AND my phone slipped out of my hand and dropped straight into the ocean after I took a video of him swimming. (Thankfully, after spending a day in rice, it was back to working condition – and I was able to post the video of him swimming on Instagram. Heh.) All in all, it was quite the beach trip.

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3. Celebrating Father’s Day. I never particularly enjoy Father’s Day, but this one wasn’t too hard for me for some reason. I spent this Father’s Day with my grandpa and I was so glad I did. It was special, having lunch with just him and my mom. We had deep conversations, some laughs, and some tears. Par for the course. Seeing him without grandma by his side always feels heart-wrenching, but he’s hanging in there as best he can.

4. Movie night with girlfriends to see Me Before You. Last year, my copy of Me Before You made the rounds with three of my coworkers. It was a little like a mini book club. When the movie release date was announced, we all made the decision to see it together and it was such a fun experience! I probably ended up crying the least out of all my friends (my heart is made of stone), but I loved the movie and think it’s a great portrayal of the book.

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5. Painting for a cause. Attending a charity event at my local Painting With a Twist was so special. The event directly benefited the victims of the Orlando massacre and we raised more than $2,000! I probably won’t hang my painting anywhere in my home (I am not artsy at all!), but I had fun hanging out with my coworkers, eating all of the food, and sipping on a cider. I would do it again in a heartbeat – even if I do come home again with another awful painting!

6. My essays this month. I’ve been really proud of the writing I published on this blog in June. It’s always been my mission to blog vulnerably and openly, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. I don’t want to simply publish memes or simple updates on my life but to use this space as a place to open up about how crazy and messy and wonderful life can be. Writing is what I always come to when I need to sort out my feelings, and that’s what I’ve been doing this month. I wrote about alone time because I’ve been having a lot of alone time lately and loving it. I wrote a (slightly controversial) post about motivation and why we can still go after our goals even when we feel unmotivated. And I wrote a post on singleness and what it feels like to be a girl who is 28 and has yet to be in a long-term relationship (which garnered lots of shares on social media and more comments than I’ve gotten on a post in a long time!) It delights me to no end that my writing is speaking to people because that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.

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7. Long, deep chats with Roomie. It’s just so nice to have a friend who I can be totally honest with. I haven’t really had that in my life, save for a best friend in high school and my mom. Roomie is someone I can talk to about my anxiety and my struggles and she gets me. June was a month of lots of deep talks and opening up for the both of us, and it made me so grateful to have her in my life.

8. Quality time with Mom. Nothing makes me happier than spending time with my mom, and we had lots of quality time in June, which was so nice. I especially loved the day that we spent shopping because we were together from 10 in the morning until about 9 at night! (Not all of that was shopping, ha, because we also had game night with my brother later on that day.)

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9. Ice cream social day at work. Twice a year, the building where my office is located holds a special dessert get-together and in June, that get-together was an ice cream social! I opted for the DIY ice cream bar (mine was chocolate ice cream with a dark chocolate shell and Oreo pieces!) Yum, yum!

10. All of the shopping. June was a pretty big shopping month for me! Most of it was stuff I needed to replace – like new work pants to replace old work pants that were falling apart (literally, the hems were coming undone). And then I wore a hole into my only pair of black flats, so those had to be replaced, too. During those shopping excursions, I bought two dresses (one was only $6 at Kohls!) and a blouse for work. I also started buying things for my new apartment, since there’s a big list of things I’ll need and I don’t want to wait until the last minute for some of these items. (Can you tell I’m a planner or nah?) So, yeah, June was a particularly spendy month, but most of it was stuff I needed so I can’t fault myself too much.

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What were some of your highlights from June?