Stephany Writes

Categories: Life

Mission: Accomplished

On Thursday, I was given my first “mission” at my internship. I was going to have to call a whole bunch of businesses, radio stations, and newspapers to talk about a promotional item and see if they were interested.

Let’s repeat. I had to call major businesses, radio stations, and newspapers. Do I need to remind you of my phone phobia? My phone phobia where sometimes I’m so nervous to make a doctor’s appointment that I keep putting it off? I knew this was going to be a test of my abilities and it was extremely nerve-wracking, especially since I was calling from my cubicle where everyone in the office could hear me. But I called these places (about 20 total) and it wasn’t as awful as I first suspected. It actually ended up being kind of fun! Imagine that! I would definitely chalk this down as a Good Experience.

After calling the places, I then had to hand-deliver the items. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Only problem was, I had to deliver them downtown, which is full (FULL!) of one-way streets. And sure, I’ve grown up in this area but always in the northern part. I’ve ventured down to downtown a few times but I’m either a.) not driving or b.) know exactly where I’m going. (My university is downtown but super easy to find.)

Hand-delivering the show tickets was just the beginning of my mission. I’ll give a quick recap:

  • I turned left down a street and couldn’t seem to find where to turn exactly so I ended up driving through the bus stop lane. Luckily, there was nobody around and no buses during that time but can we spell e m b a r r a s s i n g?
  • MapQuest gave me completely wrong directions and I ended up in a boating park. (Thank God for the GPS on my phone.)
  • I was so flustered by the wrong directions MapQuest gave me, that I stopped for probably 5 minutes at a stop sign until finally realizing it was a stop sign and not a red light.
  • While turning right onto a street, I hit a curb badly. And I’m talking made the back end of the car bounce and the CD skip badly. I don’t think the tire is ruined (yet) but it scared me. I would be lying if I didn’t almost start crying and wishing for my mom at that moment.
  • I stopped at 2 green lights for a full 2 minutes.
  • I parked at a few metered parking spots and had to rush to my destination, hand over the items, and rush back to my car. I was scared to death I was going to get a ticket for sitting at a metered parking spot for 3 minutes!
  • I drove past so many streets, it wasn’t even funny. (Especially when it’s noon and the only food in your body is have a bowl of soggy cornflakes. I don’t function well when I’m starving and weak.) And since I’m downtown and around one-way streets, if you drive past the street you need to be on, you have to drive at least five blocks to the next available street to turn on to get to where you need to be.

All in all, it was an adventure. But it was also fun. It was neat going to all these different places and seeing the people who worked there. I went to an art studio for one delivery and for the first time in my life, I thought about becoming an artist. (But since I can’t draw a stick figure without messing it up, I know that’s not the path for me.) And I’m learning more and more about downtown and I’m hoping my next adventure won’t be as crazy.

I knew this internship would stretch me as a person. I would have to do things I wasn’t totally comfortable with and get over my fears. And it’s doing that. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and stepping into the path of a career woman. It’s scary, exciting, frightening, and thrilling. It’s a slow process but I’m getting there.

And that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I take a leap of faith out of my comfort zone and into something completely different that Old Stephany? It’s amazing. And I want to have that feeling every day.

There’s a new post on my weight loss blog: Blogging to Lose. This week, I’m talking about taking this whole healthy lifestyle approach slow and steady. Check it out!

Categories: Life

I Have Baggage

I have baggage. Internship baggage. And with this baggage comes some extreme anxiety and nervousness when approaching anything related to interning.

I start my fourth internship on Tuesday. And while it’s completely different from my previous three, it still has the label of “Internship.” And it still scares me to death.

My previous internships all took place in elementary school classrooms. My first one was in a first-grade classroom where I went one day a week for 15 weeks. My second one was in a fourth-grade classroom where I went two days a week for 17 weeks. My third one was in another fourth-grade classroom where I went five days a week and became a full-time teacher.

My first internship was smooth sailing and actually quite fun. I worked under a great teacher who really taught me a lot. I realized in this internship that teaching wasn’t as easy as it looked but it was fun and I enjoyed it. And I was super excited to start my next internship in a grade level I was more interested in.

My second internship was horrible. The teacher I worked under was kooky and so burnt out from teaching. She told me one day, and I quote, “Are you sure you really want to be a teacher? Because if I had to do it all over again, I would never have become a teacher.” Oh, how I enjoyed her pep talks!

Anyway, this was the first time I ever questioned whether I was on the right path. This teaching business was no joke. It was tough and hard and I wasn’t the best at it. I could make lesson plans that would rock your socks off. But executing them? I struggled. And it didn’t help when my supervising professor and teacher offered no support for me. While I could rock my education classes and had so much fun in them, I felt so lost in my internships. I was a fish out of water in the elementary schools as an intern.

My third internship actually managed to be even worse than the previous one. For this internship, I basically became a teacher. I worked in the classroom all day for five days a week. By my 4th or 5th week, I had to be fully teaching every subject. I also had two different teachers I worked under. In the morning, I started with Lady Teacher where I taught reading and writing. In the afternoon, I moved to another classroom with my students to Guy Teacher where I taught math, science, and social studies.

Honestly, I thought I was doing good. Lady Teacher and Guy Teacher never had anything bad to say about the job I was doing. I knew I wasn’t perfect and I was making a lot of rookie mistakes but wasn’t that what the internship was about? To prepare us for full-on teaching? I felt even more like a fish out of water as I never really connected with my teachers and felt that my supervising professor (who was the same one who “supervised” me in my second internship) was rooting for me to fail. I had a review about 6 or 7 weeks into teaching where I found out I wasn’t doing as well as they hoped, but that “many of their interns start out this way.” They didn’t seem concerned so I wasn’t too concerned.

Only they told my professor that I was doing an awful job. We had a sit-down meeting one afternoon, shortly after they gave me my review, and I bawled throughout the entire thing. I’m embarrassed to admit it now but I felt so dumbfounded by this information, since they had told me that this was normal! During the meeting, my teachers didn’t have that much to say and no real advice was given to help me improve. So I had to go at it alone, find out what I was doing wrong, and how I could fix it.

October 29th is the day that will live in infamy for me for a long, long while. It was the day I was told by my professor that there was no way I would pass my internship. ME! Who had flown through school, passing classes and acing classes like it was no big deal, was going to fail an internship. And not just any internship – my final internship. The last requirement I needed to graduate college.

I don’t have good memories of my internships. As much as I would like to blame my supervising teachers (although I do admit they are partly to blame), the ultimate responsibility falls to me. For some reason, I wasn’t good enough. It seems like such a simple thing – teaching. It doesn’t occur to you that you could be bad at it. And I am. It’s been really hard to admit that I was bad at teaching and even harder to write this blog post. I’m a fairly capable human being and school has been something I’ve always excelled at. So to fail an internship felt like the ultimate bomb to my self-esteem and emotions.

But I’ve moved on. I’ve discovered I don’t want to be a teacher. I don’t want to wake up every day with fear and trepidation of what the day will bring. I don’t want to arrive at my job with nervous anxiety of how I’m going to teach this subject or that subject.

I’m a journalism student. Writing is where my heart lies. Writing is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Writing is my escape and my serenity. And I have fallen so head over heels in love with my passion.

So next week, I will start my fourth internship. This time, it won’t be in an elementary-school. This time, it will be a media internship. And I am going to take all that baggage that’s been holding me back and place it in the hands of my Heavenly Father. He can shoulder my burdens and give me a fresh attitude to arrive at this internship as a new woman. And I’m thinking He’s pretty good at that.

Categories: Life

School, Schmool

I start another semester of school on Monday. Unlike last semester, I’m not very excited about this. Well, I’m a tad bit more excited than I was a few weeks ago. I think I’ve forgotten a little how hectic and crazy and stressed a semester is.

Last semester was my first time working 30+ hours while attending a full load of courses. And I’m not going to lie, it was intense. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so stressed out and tired as I did last semester, especially with a crazy move in the midst of it. But I managed through it and ended up with 3 A’s and an Almost A (it was an 89.96% and my professor didn’t bump it up to an A. He gave me a B+. But I’m calling it an Almost A because I was so close.)

I don’t feel settled about this semester yet. There’s one class I’m trying to get into and I’m on 3 separate waiting lists for the sections that are offered. On Tuesday, I received an e-mail saying they had opened up another class. (FINALLY!) So I shot off an e-mail to get the permit to take the class and I’m still waiting to hear back. If I can get into this class, which is on Monday nights, it would work perfectly with my schedule and I wouldn’t have to quit my job!

My other classes are set. (Although, if I do get into the above-mentioned class, I would drop one of my classes, to keep me at 12 credit hours.) I’m taking an internship, which will be my fourth one I’ve taken but seeing as my other three internships were in an elementary school setting, it will be much, much different. Two of the classes I’m taking are extremely close to my heart so I’m very excited about them. I think I’ll really get a feel for what I think I want to do when I graduate, so I can discover if it’s something I’m truly passionate about.

I’m having some major internship anxiety right now, something I’m going to talk more about tomorrow. I have a lot of baggage when it comes to internship, based on my past experiences.

So while the level of excitement isn’t the same as it was last semester, I’m still very excited about the possibilities and experiences that await me as I begin my third semester as a journalism student. And once I finish this one, I only have two semesters (and 5 classes!) until I graduate!

Categories: Life

2000-2009: The End of an Era

I can’t believe this first decade of a new millennium is coming to an end. I won’t embarrass myself by telling you how much I bought into the Y2K hype. (Hey! I was twelve!) I have grown up so much in this decade, yet sometimes it seems as if I’m still the twelve-year-old girl I was when 2000 started.

In 2000, I was 12 and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. My parents had finalized their divorce the September prior. I had no self-esteem to speak of and was scared to even look at a boy I had a crush on. I dealt with extreme insomnia. My mom battled depression. The one bright spot of 2000 was the week-long trip I took to Virginia with my mom, my brother, my grandparents, and my cousins. I saw snow for the very first time and experienced the thrill of skiing for the first time.

In 2001, I was 13 and experienced tragedy when terrorists crashed planes into a huge building. My dad went to jail for 3 months for stealing $2,000 from his mother. We lived in 4 separate places this year: a condo, an apartment, my grandparents house, and then had to move with them as they moved to another house. I still struggled with major self-esteem issues.

In 2002, I was 14 and really excited about what life had to offer me. I was excited to finish middle school, as it had been the most awful three years of my life. I couldn’t wait to start high school and have a fresh start. I was still incredibly shy and saw myself as fat and unwanted. My self-esteem was super low. I was extremely proud to be in a magnet school, even if it was in a program I had no interest in pursuing as a career (criminal justice). Still, I thought I was better than those “mainstream” kids. My brother started dating Jenny.

In 2003, I was 15 and immersed in the world of AIM and Xanga. I was addicted to the computer and playing on it every chance I could get. While I had friends, we didn’t spend much time after school together, aside from one or two sleepovers. I went to Homecoming on a date with a friend, and it was one of the best times I have ever had. This was a year I was trying to “find” myself and searching for answers in everything from religion to rock music. It was also the year an amazing opportunity passed my way.

In 2004, I was 16 and handed an amazing opportunity to spend the rest of my high school years at a charter school, where I would take college classes that would count as college and high school credit. At the end of my 2 years, I would graduate with my high school diploma as well as my Associates in Arts degree. I met a great group of girl friends who brightened my day. I was very family-oriented. After taking college-level Anatomy and Physiology (at the age of fifteen), I decided I didn’t want to be a veterinarian anymore. And so went the process of finding what I did want to do in life. I went on a date this year and had an “almost boyfriend” for about 3 weeks.

In 2005, I was 17 and floating by in life. This was the end of my junior year of high school and the beginning of my senior year. My guidance counselor was going crazy, getting us ready to apply for colleges. I applied to 3 colleges this year: University of Florida (denied), University of South Florida (accepted), and University of Central Florida (denied). I took the SAT and didn’t do so well on them. Life was mundane and nothing exciting happened this year. My brother graduated from high school and moved out in September to live with his girlfriend.

In 2006, I was 18 and a high school and college graduate! I spent the summer working for a movie theater, which was so hard but also a little bit fun. I left home for college (which was only 30 minutes away) and ended up hating it so much. I had a roommate that I clashed with. I spent a lot of my free time in the school bookstore to get away from it all. I was an elementary education major, something I absolutely adored. And I worried away most of fall semester that I wouldn’t meet the class requirements to get into the College of Education, because of two awful classes. (I ended up making an A in one, and a C- in the other.)

In 2007, I was 19 and lost 30 pounds. After a horrible year in the dorms, I came back home for good. I started working at a preschool and became a lot more adept at handling babies and kids. I joined Weight Watchers and lost those aforementioned 30 pounds. I was an intern one day a week in a first-grade classroom, which was a whole lot of fun but also very scary. I was excited about my future.

In 2008, I was 20 and lost my way. I was supposed to graduate with my Bachelor’s degree in elementary education in December but after a bad internship in the spring with a fourth grade class and then an awful one in the fall in another fourth grade class…I was told by my supervisor I wouldn’t pass the internship. I took a month off to think and decided teaching was not for me. I changed my major to journalism. I discovered I didn’t have any financial aid left to cover any more expenses. My dog of 11 years, Minnie, died in June from cancer. I quit my job in March to focus on school. I worked at a print shop during the summer, where I spent 90% of my time watching sitcoms and playing at my computer. We found out in May my grandma had stage IV colon cancer. My nephew was born in September. I spent November and December searching for a job to no avail.

In 2009, I was 21 and pursuing my passion. I excelled in all my journalism classes and for once, I was recognized at having talent at something. I started working at another preschool in February. I started blogging with a purpose and discovered an entire network of bloggers and friends. My grandma has been cancer-free for an entire year. We were given a dog, a mini-daschund, from a family member who has become an integral part of my life and one of my best friends.

I realize I spent most of this decade worrying. Worrying about money, worrying about my looks, worrying about what people thought of me. My hope for this upcoming decade is that I stop worrying so much. I learn to trust God and trust myself more. I learn to stop worrying so much about what people think of me and start looking internally for happiness. Happiness and acceptance will never be found in other people, something I did end up learning from this decade.

Categories: Life

Operation: Move

It’s been over a week since I last updated, thanks to no Internet connection at the new apartment. I found this out on Saturday, cried about it a little (I’m serious), and moved on. I’ve been able to get any homework I need to get done when I’m at school and today I woke up early to take my mom to work and then head over to Panera Bread to work on more homework. Yay, me.

And since I’m finished with my homework and it’s not even 9:30 a.m., I thought a blog post was in order.
Mom and I spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday moving. We moved the majority of our boxes on Friday, mostly cleaned the old apartment on Saturday, and moved the rest of it on Sunday. On Sunday, my brother also helped move the big stuff. He has a big truck and big muscles. Big muscles, as in, he can carry a couch all by himself. By himself! Mom and I, together, couldn’t even carry our 28-inch TV. (Granted, it’s not one of those fancy-shmancy flat screens but a big, black, clunky one.) His help was greatly appreciated.
The apartment is great, we love it! There are so many pluses to this new place. Mainly, our financial situation is going to look a LOT better as our rent will be a LOT cheaper. We have an amazing view, a fantastic apartment manager, and I have a ceiling fan in my room! For some reason, this excites me greatly.
The place is a lot smaller than our old apartment but we didn’t use half the space of the old one. The appliances are a little older but we can deal. We also don’t have a washer/dryer in our unit. The last time we had to use a laundromat, I was in middle school. Luckily, our laundry room is just a few steps from our apartment so it’s not too bad. (Can you tell I’m a bit of a glass-half-full type of girl?)

All in all, I’m pretty happy. I’ll be even happier when we have Internet, better cable, and MONEY! Mom and I will be sitting down sometime this weekend and working out our budget. We need to get caught up on all our credit card bills and also start saving money. I’ve had $1.00 in my savings account for 3 years now. It’d be nice to get in the double digits, at least.

The mantra for this week is that it’s going to get better. Things are tough right now but they will get better. We’re both so happy with the decision we made and I can’t wait for the day my mom can put in her two week’s notice at her second job! (I’m shooting for March!)