Relationships – Page 7

On Friendship

I have a hard time making friends.

It’s the plight of introverts, I would surmise. I’m incredibly shy and quiet and I tend to stay withdrawn in social situations. In school, I was always that quiet girl who didn’t say much. Unless I was involved in a group project or someone struck up a conversation with me, I would stay in my shy bubble. It took me a long time to break out of my shell at work and I must thank my work BFF for that. She is one of the most bubbly, extroverted people I know and just being around her makes me want to be extroverted like her. I still have the tendency to stay within myself (especially around especially loud and boisterous personalities), but I think it’s safe to say I am learning to be more vocal and outspoken in that arena.

I think one of the hardest things about building friendships is jumping from casual acquaintances to someone I connect with. I feel awkward requesting phone numbers or e-mailing them or even chatting with them online. I mean, even in the AIM era of middle and high school, I had a small list of friends on my list and almost never initiated conversations.

The lack of friendships in my life bugs me. I feel like I’m failing at this phase of my life. I mean, I’m 23! Where are my nights out with my girlfriends? Brunches, coffee dates, and trips? I do none of that. It doesn’t help that it seems that with the few of the close friendships I’ve had, I’m the one doing all the work – putting together the lunch dates and keeping in contact. One of my best friendships fizzled because I got tired of being the only one who seemed to care. Those types of dying friendships can be awful on the heart because you realize all along that the friendship wasn’t what you had built up in your head.

The thing is, I’ve met so many people through my blog, people I want to get to know better but have never made that leap. People I want to send long e-mails to when I need to vent or talk to on G-chat when I just want someone to talk to, but I’m always worried it will bug or irritate them. It’s silly, really, because I know I get incredibly happy when I receive e-mails from readers.

It’s hard to see so many blog friends who have transcended the line of just a casual blog reader to real friendships. I know they’ve put their own hearts on the line to make it happen so I really have nobody to blame but myself. It just seems to be the way with me.

But 2011 is the year I’m taking action for the areas of my life I’m unhappy with. The lack of true friendships in my life is a source of constant stress. I’ve never been good at making friends, because of my shyness and awkwardness. But I’m no longer hiding behind that excuse. If I want to make friends, if I want to have stronger blog friends, I need to put in the work.

Categories: Relationships

A Very Special Birthday

Today, my mom turns another year older. One year closer to 50. (And before you can hate me for that, Mom, you don’t look a day over 35!)

In one year, my mom…

Has been hit by a car, resulting in a broken elbow, a laceration above her eye (causing her to get 18 stitches), multiple deep cuts on her elbows, hands, and knees, a bruised thumb, and bruises galore.
Completed her first marathon
Ran two other half-marathons and a handful of other races, including two 5K’s that she walked while still nursing her broken elbow. (She wore her sling to those races.)
Went on an amazing vacation with her favorite child daughter, exploring the countries of Grand Cayman and Cozumel.
Watched her favorite child daughter graduate from college.
Dealt with many blows and setbacks that would knock down a lesser woman, but she always managed to brush herself off and land on her feet.

My mom has had a year of ups and downs, but she’s somehow managed to come out on top. She was hit by a car, yet managed to keep on training when she was cleared to run and finish her marathon – with a freaking blood blister on the bottom of her foot for 11 miles. And while she’s now more cautious where she runs, she hasn’t let it slow her down. Coming back from her injury was tough, but she did it and is now training for a four-race series that includes a 5K, 10K, 15K, and a half-marathon in the space of four months. And you know what? If anyone can knock those races out of the park, it’s my mom.

Most people who read my blog know that I consider her my best friend. She’s the first one I talk to when I have good news, the first one I cry to when I get bad news. She’s the one I spend the most time with and someone I can be completely myself with. She loves me on my bad days and that’s the true testament to unconditional love. Truth is, I love hanging out with my mom. We get along great and while I know the time is coming when I have to embark on life by myself, I’m enjoying this time for what it is. And enjoying making a deeper bond and connection with the one who gave me life.

Today, my mom and I are leaving for a fun weekend in Orlando. She never seems to do much for her birthday, but I have basically forced her hand with this. She needs some time away from reality and recharge. Happy birthday to my biggest supporter, best friend, and all-around all-star mother! I love you!

Categories: Relationships

On Losing My Dad

I’m having trouble writing down the right words to say about coming up on one year since I wrote an e-mail to my father that would end our relationship.

I want to write that I’m moving on and I’m learning to live without him. That I’ve put the past behind me and he no longer has the power to hurt me anymore.

But those words wouldn’t be true.

I miss my dad so much that I can barely keep my head above water most days. While I said I have ended our relationship, I would do anything in the world to have reconciliation with him. I look at girls who have amazing relationships with their fathers, and I always wonder where we went wrong. Why he couldn’t be the dad I needed him to be? Why I couldn’t be the daughter he wanted me to be?

When someone you love hurts you, it can be easy to play the negativity game and think of everything they ever did to hurt you. I could make a long list of everything my dad has done to bring me down, destroy my self-esteem, and cause me to doubt myself. That’s an easy list to make. But then there’s the list that makes me nostalgic for the fun times we had together and longs for him to be back in my life.

He was never afraid to be silly, even in a public setting. He would sing along to the Italian music at Olive Garden, pretend he had a lame foot while picking me up from school, makes silly faces at me while at the mall.
He was the best at playing games. Our favorite was Blind Man’s Bluff which featured a pitch-dark house and one blindfolded person trying to “get” the other people. It usually featured my dad, my brother, and me and he would always make loud noises in one area of the room, but you could never find him. This is one of my fondest memories of him.
He once bankrupted both my brother and me on the purple properties of Monopoly. Yes, those are the cheapest properties on the board. “Bankrupt on Baltic” became one of the key phrases for us during that game, and for games afterward. (And now I always buy the purple properties in the hopes this will happen for me.)
He remains one of the funniest guys I know. He had the best personality and was always finding ways to turn any situation into one of laughter. He is witty with one-liners and silly phrases and I like to think I inherited this wit of his.
I have never felt more safe, loved, or protected than in those times I was wrapped up in his arms.
He is a fantastic cook, some of his specialties being chicken tacos, chicken on the grill, and hamburgers. I have so many good memories of being over at my uncle’s house with him cooking a delicious meal on the grill and helping him with preparing the side dishes. And the food was always mouth-wateringly good.
He is friendly and outgoing and personable. Everything I am not. He puts everyone at ease and can make friends with anyone within 5 minutes of knowing them.
I always remember having the best time when I was with him. He knew how to play like a kid, but also be a parent. I remember hours spent in the pool where he would toss us around and let us ride on his back. Playing tennis and bowling and board games. He knew how to have a good time.

I want to remember the good times with my dad. I’ve spent so many months only remembering the bad things. I need to move past it. I need to learn to have mercy on him. He has nobody around anymore. He has lost his kids, lost his family. He can’t hold down a job and his gambling addiction, penchant for lying, and alcoholism is the only thing that keeps him company at night. It’s a sad life to lead and I can only hope he has sought help and one day will reach out to me.

I miss my dad with more intensity than I ever thought possible. And the minute he wants to come back into my life, I will be waiting with open arms and an “I missed you, Daddy. I missed you so much.”

Categories: Relationships

Letting Go

The December 5th prompt for Reverb10 was absolutely perfect for me. Written by author Alice Bradley, the prompt reads: “What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?”

This year, I had to let go of my father.

For the past few years, my dad had been a negative influence in my life. Actually, he had been a negative influence for most of my life but it was just in the past few years that I noticed how it was affecting my well-being. I began to see how it was making me doubt myself and my abilities, as he continuously doubted both.

We went a year without speaking. After my birthday in 2007, I decided to do a little test: see how long it would take my father to call me. Usually, it was me calling him, me making plans, with no effort on his part. He claimed he lost my phone number, but he had my brother’s and called him frequently. The next time he contacted me was through a Facebook message on his girlfriend’s page. (We weren’t friends, but she requested me and he wrote a message.) Thus started the process of repairing our relationship. I wrote him a nice, long e-mail telling him how he had hurt me only to receive a nasty reply e-mail, laying the blame back on me.

I knew he would never change. I knew he would remain a toxic, negative influence in my life. So I decided to end the relationship.

It’s been a hard, painful process, and I still don’t think I’ve fully wrapped my head around this. For the longest time, I wondered what I had to offer anyone. I mean, if the one man who is supposed to love and cherish you the most thinks you’re worthless, how can I have a successful relationship with a man? I’m slowly beginning to realize that my dad is the one with the problem. He has a gambling addiction and an immature attitude toward life. It has nothing to do with me. I am still an amazing human being. I am special. I am loved. I am incredibly worthwhile. His feelings towards me are false.

I’m not sure where to move on from here, but I do know I have a new purpose in life. I have a new attitude. I know I have a lot to offer and I’m ready to leave my dad firmly in the past. It still hurts to see women with incredible relationships with their fathers but I know a lot has to change on his part for me to ever welcome him back into my life. He no longer has a powerful hold over my life.

I had to let go of my dad this year. And, in turn, I am embracing a brand-new, more confident me.

Categories: Relationships

Spaghetti Night

Last night, I was given a treat. My grandma made dinner for me. Now yes, it may have been more “proper” for me to cook dinner for her with all that she’s been through, but my grandma has the biggest servant’s heart. She makes a mean plate of spaghetti and she knows how much I love her spaghetti.

It’s been a few months since she finished her last chemotherapy treatment and while she’s now taking chemo pills, she’s feeling much better and a whole lot stronger. Walking into my grandparent’s house and seeing my grandma bustling around the kitchen was such a welcome sight. It felt like I was 16 again and the word cancer had never been uttered in connection to my grandma.

The spaghetti was delicious, the bread tasty, and the conversation charming. It was just the four of us sitting around the dinner table: me, my mom, my grandma, and my grandfather. We talked about the rescue of the Chilean miners, my cousins and their crazy high school, and our lives.

After dinner, my grandfather headed off to church and the three of us ventured into the living room to chat. My mom and my grandma are two of my very best friends and one of my favorite things in life is to sit in my grandma’s living room and talk. They are full of such wisdom and life and inspiration. I can talk with them about anything and it helps that they think I’m pretty awesome.

It was the perfect evening and I just pray we have more and more of these evenings.