I’m having trouble writing down the right words to say about coming up on one year since I wrote an e-mail to my father that would end our relationship.

I want to write that I’m moving on and I’m learning to live without him. That I’ve put the past behind me and he no longer has the power to hurt me anymore.

But those words wouldn’t be true.

I miss my dad so much that I can barely keep my head above water most days. While I said I have ended our relationship, I would do anything in the world to have reconciliation with him. I look at girls who have amazing relationships with their fathers, and I always wonder where we went wrong. Why he couldn’t be the dad I needed him to be? Why I couldn’t be the daughter he wanted me to be?

When someone you love hurts you, it can be easy to play the negativity game and think of everything they ever did to hurt you. I could make a long list of everything my dad has done to bring me down, destroy my self-esteem, and cause me to doubt myself. That’s an easy list to make. But then there’s the list that makes me nostalgic for the fun times we had together and longs for him to be back in my life.

• He was never afraid to be silly, even in a public setting. He would sing along to the Italian music at Olive Garden, pretend he had a lame foot while picking me up from school, makes silly faces at me while at the mall.
• He was the best at playing games. Our favorite was Blind Man’s Bluff which featured a pitch-dark house and one blindfolded person trying to “get” the other people. It usually featured my dad, my brother, and me and he would always make loud noises in one area of the room, but you could never find him. This is one of my fondest memories of him.
• He once bankrupted both my brother and me on the purple properties of Monopoly. Yes, those are the cheapest properties on the board. “Bankrupt on Baltic” became one of the key phrases for us during that game, and for games afterward. (And now I always buy the purple properties in the hopes this will happen for me.)
• He remains one of the funniest guys I know. He had the best personality and was always finding ways to turn any situation into one of laughter. He is witty with one-liners and silly phrases and I like to think I inherited this wit of his.
• I have never felt more safe, loved, or protected than in those times I was wrapped up in his arms.
• He is a fantastic cook, some of his specialties being chicken tacos, chicken on the grill, and hamburgers. I have so many good memories of being over at my uncle’s house with him cooking a delicious meal on the grill and helping him with preparing the side dishes. And the food was always mouth-wateringly good.
• He is friendly and outgoing and personable. Everything I am not. He puts everyone at ease and can make friends with anyone within 5 minutes of knowing them.
• I always remember having the best time when I was with him. He knew how to play like a kid, but also be a parent. I remember hours spent in the pool where he would toss us around and let us ride on his back. Playing tennis and bowling and board games. He knew how to have a good time.

I want to remember the good times with my dad. I’ve spent so many months only remembering the bad things. I need to move past it. I need to learn to have mercy on him. He has nobody around anymore. He has lost his kids, lost his family. He can’t hold down a job and his gambling addiction, penchant for lying, and alcoholism is the only thing that keeps him company at night. It’s a sad life to lead and I can only hope he has sought help and one day will reach out to me.

I miss my dad with more intensity than I ever thought possible. And the minute he wants to come back into my life, I will be waiting with open arms and an “I missed you, Daddy. I missed you so much.”

The December 5th prompt for Reverb10 was absolutely perfect for me. Written by author Alice Bradley, the prompt reads: “What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?”

This year, I had to let go of my father.

For the past few years, my dad had been a negative influence in my life. Actually, he had been a negative influence for most of my life but it was just in the past few years that I noticed how it was affecting my well-being. I began to see how it was making me doubt myself and my abilities, as he continuously doubted both.

We went a year without speaking. After my birthday in 2007, I decided to do a little test: see how long it would take my father to call me. Usually, it was me calling him, me making plans, with no effort on his part. He claimed he lost my phone number, but he had my brother’s and called him frequently. The next time he contacted me was through a Facebook message on his girlfriend’s page. (We weren’t friends, but she requested me and he wrote a message.) Thus started the process of repairing our relationship. I wrote him a nice, long e-mail telling him how he had hurt me only to receive a nasty reply e-mail, laying the blame back on me.

I knew he would never change. I knew he would remain a toxic, negative influence in my life. So I decided to end the relationship.

It’s been a hard, painful process, and I still don’t think I’ve fully wrapped my head around this. For the longest time, I wondered what I had to offer anyone. I mean, if the one man who is supposed to love and cherish you the most thinks you’re worthless, how can I have a successful relationship with a man? I’m slowly beginning to realize that my dad is the one with the problem. He has a gambling addiction and an immature attitude toward life. It has nothing to do with me. I am still an amazing human being. I am special. I am loved. I am incredibly worthwhile. His feelings towards me are false.

I’m not sure where to move on from here, but I do know I have a new purpose in life. I have a new attitude. I know I have a lot to offer and I’m ready to leave my dad firmly in the past. It still hurts to see women with incredible relationships with their fathers but I know a lot has to change on his part for me to ever welcome him back into my life. He no longer has a powerful hold over my life.

I had to let go of my dad this year. And, in turn, I am embracing a brand-new, more confident me.