I think I am starting to feel the beginnings of a depressive episode. I had one during the holiday season last year—there is so much I love about the holiday season, but then the devil on my shoulder likes to say things like, “What if your whole family died and you had nobody to spend Christmas with?” And then I get sad and depressed, thinking that one day Christmas might look a lot different than it does right now.
As luck would have it, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I was able to talk to her about these feelings. (Side note: Does anyone else have trouble with that, “How are you doing?” question from your therapist/psychiatrist? I always give the pat, ‘I’m doing well,” answer until I realize no, dummy. They want to know for real. This isn’t the grocery check-out clerk who is making small talk!)
Right now, the main symptoms I’m experiencing are fatigue, lack of motivation, and lack of focus. Brain fog, I guess you could call it. I just find it very hard to get out of bed in the morning and get my day started. Sometimes I spend an hour or more just scrolling through my phone and trying to get my day started.
My psychiatrist and I worked through some ideas for how to keep the depression at bay without changing my meds (she left that decision up to me, and I declined for now).
A better sleep routine
My psychiatrist said that it’s important to be asleep by at least 11 p.m. because our brain does the most repair work during the hours of 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. I don’t know how true this is or what “repair work” fully entails because I wasn’t able to find anything about it in any sort of scientific publication. She mentioned that my late bedtimes could be leading me to feel foggy and fatigued because my brain isn’t able to do all of the repair work it needs. It sounds a little hokey, I can’t lie, but I’m also willing to test it out and see if I feel better and more focused after adhering to a 10:30 p.m. bedtime for a few weeks.
Sunshine and walks
My psychiatrist is a big proponent of sunshine and how it can affect our mental health. This week has been so dreary and I haven’t seen the sun in almost a week, which means I haven’t been going on my walks. (This was just an excuse. I could have gone on my walks, but ugh. It was so dreary!) She encourages me to “get sunshine on my eyeballs” daily as that affects melatonin production, which in turn, affects my sleep. My goal is one 15-minute walk every day.
Routine, routine, routine
I thrive in a routine. As much as I wish I could be more free-wheeling with my time, I work so much better when I know exactly what I’m doing during each hour of the day. So, I need a routine and here’s what I’ve come up with for weekdays:
- 6:30 a.m. – 7:00 a.m.: Alarm goes off and I have 30 minutes to myself. I can snooze the alarm, scroll Instagram, play a game on my phone, whatever I want.
- 7:00 a.m. – 7:30 a.m.: Get up, brush teeth, feed the cats, take a shower, and get dressed. (If it’s a non-shower day, I can read a book on the couch once I finish the above tasks.)
- 7:30 a.m. – 8:00 a.m.: Eat breakfast
- 8:00 a.m. – 8:30 a.m.: Morning routine
- Morning skincare
- Make bed
- Put away dishes from last night
- Take meds
- Do my hair/make-up (if needed)
- 8:30 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.: Working block (ideally, I’d use Pomodoro to keep me on task and keep my break times minimal)
- 12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.: Break time
- Eat lunch
- Go for a walk
- Read blogs/work on blog posts
- 2:00 p.m.- 5:30 p.m.: Working block
- 5:30 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.: Chores
- I need to be better about doing cleaning chores around the apartment. I want a dedicated time each day to work on this. I’d pick one cleaning task per day and any other miscellaneous tasks. I’d also use this time to scoop the litter boxes so they don’t need to be done during my nighttime routine.
- 6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.: Dinner + a TV show
- 7:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.: Dedicated time for blogging or reading (maybe I switch off each day?)
- 8:30 p.m. – 9:30 p.m.: Nighttime routine
- Nighttime skincare
- Tidy apartment
- Load dishwasher
- Brush teeth
- 9:30 p.m. – 10:30 p.m.: In bed (reading, scrolling on phone, ASMR videos, etc.) with lights out at 10:30 p.m. at the latest
This is, obviously, my ideal schedule and it doesn’t include things like naps and or weeknight plans. But at the very least, it gives me a broad idea of what I should be doing at specific hours of the day so I can stay on task and get stuff done. My goal is to try to follow this schedule as much as possible over the next few weeks and see how it changes the way I feel.
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What time do you usually go to bed?
I think it’s so smart that you have recognized a depressive episode. And I agree with your psychiatrist – I think the brain does need resetting via sleep (although, who knows if it’s that particular time period it needs, but theoretically, sure), and also being outside. I think that is so important! I also really thrive on a routine, and feel my best when I follow it.
I need to have a strict routine but I get so annoyed that I need it. I want to be a free-wheeling person! But alas, I feel much better when I follow a routine. And go on my stupid mental health walks.
Hey Stephany, I feel you. My seasonal depression has gotten a lot better over the years, but I always have a slump at this time of year. For some reason things are better this year, I think because it hasn’t gotten cold yet and has been fairly sunny even with the short days. But when it’s bad…some years I’ve felt like I’m just waiting out the clock for Dec 26th.
Was it you who posted about revenge bedtime procrastination? I thought that was the most brilliant thing I’d ever read.
Yes, it was me who posted about revenge bedtime procrastination and it is suchhhh a problem for me. (As I type up this comment reply at 11pm on a Monday, sigh.) I never thought I had seasonal depression but maybe I do! At the very least, it’s something I’m paying attention to right now.
While I’m not pleased to read about your situation with seasonal depression I am glad that you have tactics in mind to combat it. That seems wise to me. I go to bed around 9:00 pm but play games on my phone or listen to a podcast for a while until I drift off to sleep… sometime thereafter but I’ve no idea when!
I go to sleep somewhere between 10-11 pm most days. It varies some and I definitely don’t have a SET bedtime, but things naturally seem to lead to a time in that range.
I love how you call it a toolkit. I have been working through some really challenging childhood traumas lately and I told my friend I feel like I’ve been living in a drafty house for a decade. And I’ve spent most of the last few years tackling a drafty window. Recently I realized – there is no front door. But I haven’t wasted time fixing the window. Now IT’S fixed, and I bought the tools I need to fix the door situation. It’s big, it’s hard, and it will take a while, but I feel more prepared because I started with the window? Not sure if this makes sense, but thinking of myself as being armed with more and more “tools” in my mental health “toolkit” is very, very powerful imagery for me right now <3
Wow, that’s a great visual!
This makes so much sense, Elisabeth, and I can fully relate. While I think I have FINALLY worked through a lot of my childhood trauma, it’s insane the way so much of it still comes up in the way I approach things/handle hard things. It’s an ever-present reminder.
Stephany, I am so glad you recognized this and – more important – that you were HONEST with your psychiatrist. The toolkit framing is brilliant – all parts of it, and while you might not hit on all every day, you will probably hit at least some.
I don’t know of evidence that the *time of night* influences brain repair work, but I am pretty sure there is evidence that REM sleep is when it happens. Regardless, good sleep and a fairly consistent bedtime seem like they could help? (Won’t hurt?) This seems like a comprehensive and well-thought-out plan, but I hope you also give yourself some grace if you don’t keep to your ideal schedule. Life is a lot right now – the season, the world, the politics… Know that we are all thinking of you and sending our love your way. <3
My psychiatrist has always been a believer that we need a whole toolkit to manage our mental health; it’s not just about the right meds, but other things that can impact our moods. I’m glad I was able to talk through this episode with her and get some feedback!
I like to be in bed by 9:30, lights out by 10. We’re getting up at 5:30 these days, though, so that’s actually not enough sleep, but I don’t see how I can get into bed any earlier, so that’s where we’re out. This morning (Saturday) we didn’t get out of bed until 7:45 and it felt Very Decadent.
Also, as you know, I have super seasonal depression and the only thing that helps me is getting outside. So even when it’s very unpleasant outside, I have to get out there. I think incorporating a daily walk is such a good idea!
Getting outside is so crucial! Sometimes I forget how necessary it is because I let myself be too lazy about doing so, but it ALWAYS helps my mood.
It’s good to be able to tell the signs of a depressive stage. The holidays are hard for a lot of people. I am not depressed but I would say I am kind of sad or stressed a lot lately? We had such a rough fall of illnesses and work has been so crazy. I just don’t feel like I have a lot of control over large parts of my life so I am feeling a little meh right now. So hugs to you. It’s hard to feel off and like you have a rain cloud above you following you around. Like I feel like the soundtrack of my life lately would be a sad trombone. Ha.
I am so disciplined about my bedtime as you know. I got up to bed at 8:30 and stop reading around 9:30. I rarely deviate from this schedule but I am up at 5:45-6 most days and I pay for it if I stay up late.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re also going through the gauntlet right now. You’ve had a lot to deal with! I really hope the work stress gets better in 2024. You need a break!
I’m glad that you are able to recognize the feelings coming, and how fortunate that you had an appointment at just the right time. Your schedule seems reasonable. Getting enough sleep is really important, and what ‘enough sleep’ means is different for everyone. I would say, like NGS did, that getting outside is important for so many people, even if it’s gloomy outside. And getting to bed at a set time.
Hang in there and know we’re all rooting for you.
I am sorry you are feeling a depressive episode is crawling up on you. But gold stars that your were to recognize and talk to your therapist about it.
For your question, yes I hated that question because I also answered fine and then it took me 40 minutes to find carouse to say no I am not fine just to learn. the hour was up I had a hard hard time opening up.
Regarding the sleep: Death Matthew Walkers book “Why we sleep” it answers exactly those questions. Why we need to sleep at. certain times or intervals and length. He also talked about the outside walks and what sunshine will do to sleep and mental health. I found the whole book very interesting – I listened to it – and think I will actually buy a copy because all the info could not be saved in my brain by just listening.
I am hoping you will handle the dreary days. I think you have some good tools. I am using those too. I also go out and work in a cafe or library because it makes me feel part of a community and not be all by myself all day when I am having a hard day.
I have Why We Sleep on my bookshelf! I just need to friggin READ IT. I am fascinated about the science of sleep and all the things our body does while we rest.
Opening up is hard! It’s definitely a skill that takes time to learn.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I struggle with holidays, too since I am pretty much estranged from everyone in Russia. I have T, and I have my two kids, other than that, I really don’t have anyone in the US. Those thoughts visit me, too. Being completely alone during holidays. But that’s catastrophizing and I try to challenge the truth of those thoughts the best I can.
Happy to hear you have a doctor you work with and I like your routine. I go to bed early- by 9, I am pretty much asleep. I’m up at 5am.
I am most definitely a catastrophizer! It’s my super power! But I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy working through this tendency and learning how to challenge these thoughts when they come is so key. Luckily, now you have a whole blogging community in your corner!
So, you grew up in Florida, right? Now imagine this gloomy week we just had… FOR THE ENTIRE WINTER. Seriously, that’s what it’s like in the midwest and it’s just awful. I really struggled with serious depression- and that’s why I live in Florida. Now that I get enough sunlight, I don’t usually get depressed, but I definitely remember what it feels like. Everything you’re doing sounds perfect. I remember that when you’re depressed, it’s tempting to just do nothing. So it’s important to have a schedule and stick to it, and getting outside every day will help too. I hope this works for you and you start to feel better soon.
I would 100% suffer from SAD if I lived in the Midwest. It’s so hard to deal with gloomy day after gloomy day. I’m glad that is not the norm for Florida.
I am glad to hear you’re so in tune with your moods that you’re able to recognize the beginnings of depression and were able to address it with your therapist.
I don’t know how scientific the 11pm-2am window is for repair work but I do believe that hours that are spent asleep earlier lead to a better night’s rest overall (at least from my own experience. Like, if I only sleep 7 hours, sleeping from 10pm to 5 am will be more restful for me than sleeping from 12am to 7 am. Don’t know why, but there seems to be something to it.)
I hope that by making some changes and trying to stick to your routine (I relate to that!) you’ll keep the depression at bay!
That’s a very interesting thought that getting to bed earlier in the night leads to better sleep for you! I need to test out that theory as well.
I am a long-time lurker, but I am coming out of the woods since depression is a VERY important topic to me and I just listened to a podcast that actually explains the scientific reasonings to everything your psychiatrist talked about – I’m pretty sure she listened to this exact episode too! Dr. Huberman from Stanford released an episode recently called the “Mental Health Toolkit” and he explains in detail and references to scientific literature as to why we need certain hours of “dark time”, direct light in the eyeballs in the morning and afternoon to boost sleep, and so much more on how to better our mental health. It’s not hokey even though everything he talked about is pretty mind-boggling – it’s all actual science! Here is the link that has the YouTube video, but there are links to listen via Spotify or Apple Podcasts – https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/mental-health-toolkit-tools-to-bolster-your-mood-mental-health
And now back to the woods I go… 😉
OMG thank you so much for this rec! Adding his podcast to my feed right now. This sounds exactly what I need to listen to. I appreciate you sharing this with me!
I’m so glad you had an appointment scheduled and could come up with this toolkit! Have you implemented them? I am curious about the 11 pm – 2 am timeframe too. But hey, whatever it takes to get you to bed a bit earlier 😉
I thrive on routine too, and that is something I want to work with my therapist on, is being better at going off routine and not going wild, then transitioning back to it.
I don’t struggle with the “how are you?” with my therapist and tell her how I feel exactly… but also want more questions along with how are you, if that makes sense.
I am usually in bed by 8:30 and asleep between 9:00-9:30 🙂
Yes – I think you hit the nail on the head there: I need more questions along with how are you. How are you is just an impersonal question that we ask ANYONE. I need something along the lines of, “How has your mental health been?” or something like that!
So smart to have a go-to daily process/schedule to help keep depression at bay. This post is from a while back, so I hope it’s helped/worked and that you’re feeling better!