Note: This post is about dieting, body image, weight loss, etc. If those things are triggering for you, please take care and exit from this post. <3
If there’s one thing that reading through my old blog posts has taught me, it’s how fixated I used to be on weight loss. I was so scared of being fatter than I already thought I was. Back then, when I was at what I would consider a normal weight for me, I just wanted to lose more weight. I wanted to be a svelte 115 lbs, which would give me a normal BMI* for my height (5’2″). Instead, I was 150 lbs, then 160 lbs, then 170 lbs. The BMI number kept creeping up, and up, and up, as I kept yo-yo dieting and getting frustrated with myself and feeling like I would never have the life I wanted if I couldn’t lose the weight.
And now, here I am today. I don’t know how much I weigh right now because I only get weighed at the doctor, but I know it’s over 200 lbs. In BMI terms, I am obese. And if my early twenties self could see me right now, I know she would be incredulous. How could I let myself go like this?
Because that’s the verbiage we use when we see someone gain weight, isn’t it? They “let themselves go.” They don’t care about their health anymore. They don’t care about themselves anymore.
What I wish to tell that girl is that I didn’t let myself go. Instead, I let the food restriction go. I let beating myself up over not being perfect at my diet go. I let weighing myself constantly go. I let worrying about what I would look like as a fat person go. I let the fatphobia and the diet culture go.
I am happier at my heaviest weight than I was when I was at a lower weight. I am happier because I’m not dieting and not feeling like a failure every week because I couldn’t stick to a restrictive diet. And because I accept who I am at this weight and know I am just as lovable and beautiful than I was at a lower weight.
And yet.
I know I need to lose weight. I don’t need to lose weight because I need to fit into some specific ideal of the perfect person. I don’t need to lose weight because I will be better at a lower weight. I need to lose weight because it’s not healthy to be at the weight I’m at. Some people can be fat and healthy—that’s entirely possible! I know of many people who may be categorized as obese on the BMI scale, but they get regular check-ups and bloodwork and all of their numbers are in the ideal range. However, that is not the case for me. I’ve had concerning bloodwork results in the past, and I know I am setting myself up for a lifetime of medical problems if I don’t start eating healthier foods and exercising more.
So I need to lose weight, but I don’t want to diet. I don’t want to track my calories or my macros or my points. I don’t want to feel like a failure every week when I don’t follow my “program” as closely as I should. I don’t want to fret about cheat meals and cheat days. I want to eat better in a way that feels joyful, fulfilling, and satisfying. I want it to be sustainable for me long-term. I am a picky eater who cannot eat the same thing for very long. (I’m amazed at people who can eat the same thing for lunch month after month after month. That is not something my body is built for.) I turn my nose up at most healthy foods and, for the most part, eat like a 12-year-old who discovered she can eat whatever she wants without an adult checking in. I don’t drink nearly enough water, although I’m working on that.
And I’m hypoglycemic, let’s not forget. I know I could essentially cure this condition by cleaning up my diet, or at least have it under control much more than I do now. Eating more healthily will also likely benefit my mental health and my anxiety disorder. I haven’t studied this in detail, but my psychiatrist has pointed out the various ways the gut can impact our brain health. Providing my body with nourishing foods that feed the good bacteria in my gut could help my anxiety symptoms. (Obviously, medication is helping my anxiety the most, but it doesn’t hurt to also think about how the foods I eat are impacting my mental health, too.)
After over almost 15 years of yo-yo dieting, I stopped all restrictive dieting sometime in 2016 or 2017. In those intervening years, I have developed a greater sense of self and found greater fulfillment in having a larger body. I have discovered diet culture and fatphobia and thin privilege. I love my fat body. If I was healthy at this weight, I would keep doing what I was doing. But I’m not, so it’s time to consider what’s next for me. But I want to do it in a way that doesn’t fall into the trap of diet culture and doesn’t position my body as it is today as wrong.
The company I work for has given us a $500 wellness reimbursement to use at our discretion. It can be used for a whole host of things: massages, exercise equipment, camping gear, facials, Apple watches, therapy, food subscriptions, home office furniture, BOOKS, etc. (I really want to use all $500 on books.) What I’ve been contemplating is using my wellness reimbursement for dietician services. My health insurance would cover some dietician services, like consultations, but things like meal plans would likely be out of pocket, and my wellness reimbursement could cover most of the cost.
Seeing a dietician has been a little idea sitting in a corner of my brain for a while. If I could find the right person, someone who isn’t fatphobic and can meet me where I’m at, someone who could help me gently let go of some of my unhealthy food obsessions and help me retrain my brain when it comes to healthy living, someone who can be a guide and a mentor and a sounding board. Maybe that feels like a lot to ask of a person, but I like the idea of having someone helping me, in a one-on-one setting, as I learn how to properly nourish my body. I’ve never learned proper nutrition and how to eat well in a sustainable way. That’s not something Weight Watchers or calorie counting teaches you. I also learned that supplementing with a Athletic Greens Athletic Greens powder is one of the easiest and most cost-effective ways to complement your existing diet and boost your energy, digestion, skin and long-term health.
So that’s where I am today when it comes to my body and my overall health. I’m glad I gave myself these years to unlearn diet culture and fatphobia, and to have a more appreciative view of myself and the world around me. But if I’m going to be here for the long haul, and that’s what I hope, then I need to start treating my body better so it has the ability to sustain me for many more decades of life.
*Yes, yes, I know the BMI isn’t an accurate indicator of weight and shouldn’t be used as a guidepost. I no longer follow the BMI scale, but it was something I was intensely focused on in my early twenties.
I love this post so much. As someone who had an eating disorder and still battles with unhealthy obsessions when it comes to dieting, eating, etc., I find so much of this relatable. I detest the BMI scale so much. I’m one of the ones who is “overweight” according to BMI, despite working out 5x a week and having normal labs. It is such a mental mindf*ck to see that number when I know I’m not “overweight.”
I’ve been struggling with “coming back” after having 3 babies, my body being different, having less time to take care of myself, etc.. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to get back to where I was pre-babies and struggling with shame about my post-babies body. Isn’t that INSANE!? I grew three humans, of course my body isn’t going to go back to what it was, and logically I know this, but oh man the shame and disgust at my reflection is very hard to let go of. Do you have any books you’d recommend reading on this topic of fat-phobia?
I know this is a hard topic to talk about so thank you for sharing – I think so, so many people can probably relate and talking about it is the best way for us to break down these stigmas. <3
Listen to the Maintenance Phase podcast! For books, I like The Body is Not an Apology. Basically just surround yourself by writing and images of people with different body types to try to overwrite the part of your brain that has been conditioned to think that we should all look one way.
Thanks so much, Emilie! I hesitated talking too much about the BMI scale because it is not an accurate measurement in any sense, but it was definitely a measuring stick I used in the past. The weight I would have to maintain to be considered “normal” is ridiculous, and not a weight I could comfortably see myself being!
You have sparked an idea in my head to share some of my anti-fatness resources. Sarah mentioned the Maintenance Phase podcast, and I recommend that podcast, too! One of the hosts of the show, Aubrey Gordon, has two books. I haven’t read her most recent book but “What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat” was AMAZING. Highly recommend. Also, you may enjoy The F*ck It Diet. And it’s also crucial to diversify your social media feed to make sure you are seeing fat bodies – Virgie Tovar is one of my favorite follows.
A friend of mine also recently saw a nutritionist for the same reasons, and she managed to find one who was anti-diet and HAES friendly. I wonder if the Health At Every Size website has resources? It seems like you have come such a long way and that’s wonderful!
Oh, that’s a very good tip! I will have to look into the HAES website and see if they have resources about finding a dietician that is HAES friendly. Thank you!
Wow Stephany, this is a tough one. Yes, you deserve to be healthy. You are VERY clear about what you want from a dietician, so i’m hoping you can find someone who is on board. I struggle with these issues myself, and now I’m struggling with my 14 year old daughter a little. I wish she would eat a little healthier and embrace some kind of exercise- but I don’t want her to do it in order to control her weight, and it’s such a fine line. She is a CURVY girl- it’s so funny, she did not get my genes. One day I was super happy because she said she doesn’t find skinny girls attractive, she likes curves. Not that I want to “skinny shame” anyone! But I’m glad she feels that way since she’s curvy. But then another day I found her weighing herself, because she was only going to eat dessert if she hadn’t gained weight lately. NO! WRONG! I guess what I’m babbling on and on about is that it’s hard for everyone. You’re in such a great place mentally now- I’ll be interested to how a dietician can help you. GOOD LUCK with it!
Gosh, Jenny, I do not envy your struggle with navigating health stuff with a teenage girl. Stuff like that is SO FRAUGHT and there is so much comparison happening, especially with social media. It’s hard to balance healthy eating with living one’s life, and I know it wasn’t something I was ready to talk about at her age. (Even my mom MENTIONING it would throw me into a rage, lol.) I wish you luck in that!
I love this so much: “I am happier at my heaviest weight than I was when I was at a lower weight. I am happier because I’m not dieting and not feeling like a failure every week because I couldn’t stick to a restrictive diet. And because I accept who I am at this weight and know I am just as lovable and beautiful than I was at a lower weight.”
What a mental accomplishment, Stephany. Such a thing to be proud of.
As I think you know, I also struggle with my weight, and with wanting to find the balance between feeling good/being healthy and not feeling like food is the enemy, or like I have to track calories/macros/carbs all the time. I am not there yet, that’s for sure. I’ve contemplated looking for a dietician, too, and I hope you find one who meshes well with your outlook and goals. (I am so nervous that a dietician would tell me to eat bananas and oatmeal and tomatoes and eggs and turkey all the other things I can’t stand! Isn’t that a silly reason to balk at trying it out?! Presumably dietitians are used to dealing with people who have food restrictions, allergies, and aversions!)
I love that you are sharing your experiences and thoughts and plans for the future, and I look forward to seeing what happens next!
I am worried about working with a dietician, too, because I need to start from such a different place than most people (because I eat like garbage, lol). And I’m a picky eater and find most healthy food gross, soooo… it should be a fun time all around. But I’m committed to finding someone who won’t try to place me on a restrictive diet or fat-shame me, and I know I can find someone who comes from a place of weight inclusivity, so we shall see how it goes!
It made me feel so good to read that you love your body as is and gave up restrictive eating a long time ago. You are lovable and beautiful and worthy at this size!
I totally get feeling that way and wanting to be healthier – that is where I was at the end of last year. The whole time I was reading this I was thinking “I wonder if Stephany would be interested in working with a dietician?” so I am really excited you are going to check it out. I bet the right one is out there – who won’t just tell you a calorie count and to make a My Fitness Pal account.
I’d love to hear how it goes with them if you feel like sharing!
I will definitely share my experience using a dietician once I finally start the process. I am really looking forward to seeing how it can help me clean up my eating and just feel BETTER about my nutrition. Thanks for always being the best cheerleader!
Excellent post, Stephany. I hope that you can find a dietician with similar values. I think you are going about this pursuit to lose weight for all the right reasons – it’s about health and addressing lab results. So it’s very objective and not shame-based. Props to you for getting to the place you are at. I still struggle with body image, especially after having kids. It’s actually one of the reasons I went off social media. I was comparing myself to other mom’s and how they have “bounced back” after having babies. I’m trying to work on accepting myself where I am at and dressing for the body I have. Getting rid of most of my pre-baby clothes has been very helpful, though! It was hard to see all that stuff hanging in my closet – it was a physical reminder of the body I used to have.
I think it must be so very hard to accept one’s body after having kids. You expect to bounce back and everything to look the same as before because isn’t that how it looks for other people? But also – you grew a baby (or in your case, multiple babies!) in your body so of course things aren’t going to look the same. But that can be hard to accept, I’m sure. I think you have taken the right steps – identifying your triggers and removing them from your life when you can. <3
Stephany, there are dieticians who are exactly what you want, and I hope you can find them. I know that you had the strength to stand up to that horrible doctor recently, and so I am confident you will be able to find what you are looking for. I am so proud of you for doing such good mental work on not only accepting but loving yourself for who you are and where you are right now. It’s really so great!
FWIW, there is a podcast called the Food Heaven Podcast, and these ladies are inclusive and sensible, and are probably the most balanced dieticians I have ever heard of.
The “wellness” industry often feels like anything but, and I think you’re going into things with eyes wide open. Body image is hard, and we are constantly bombarded by shitty things! I am just so proud of you for overcoming all that.
I will have to check out Food Heaven Podcast! I am all for inclusive dietician talk. Thank you for the rec.
I feel confident enough in myself and what I want to receive from a dietician that I feel good about finding someone who isn’t going to push a bunch of diet talk at me. That’s the hope, at least!
I love this post! I am currently at a pretty healthy weight (BMI-wise) for my height, but at one point weighed over 175lbs at 5ft tall. Back then, my s pouse told me that it was advisable if I lose weight, but not for attractiveness (my spouse still felt I was beautiful) but for my health. This was six years ago. I did lose weight partly under a dietitian’s supervision too because I have a history of bulimia. The dietitian told me in fact that, while she did use the BMI, she didn’t recommend I consciously try to lose any more weight even though I was still somewhat overweight.
All this being said, I really hope you’ll find a supportive dietitian who will work with you on getting healthier, not necessarily thinner.
I am really glad to hear that you had a positive experience with a dietician! It must be hard to balance losing weight for health with an eating disorder, so kudos to you for finding a way to balance that! I am hopeful I can find a supportive dietician who wants to help me learn how to live a healthy lifestyle. <3
I have so much to say and don’t know where to start – but thank you for posting this. I have wanted to blog more about my shifts in mindset with how I eat, think about food, and exercise.
It has been just over a year since I stopped weighing myself (I used to do it daily) and started eating “intuitively.” I don’t think anyone was aware how much I obsessed over food and hated my body (and my lack of willpower). I spent years doing restrictive diets – it started for health reasons and I was often following suggestions of medical practitioners, but it snowballed into cutting out so many things from my diet for the sake of “health”; but, if I was being honest, it was mostly to lose weight.
I still battle old demons, but it is 1000x better than it used to be. I eat what I want, when I want and for the most part feel so much better. I HAVE gained a bit of weight (I did recently weigh myself just before the 1 year anniversary), but I am so much more relaxed around food. After a year of eating this way, I’m ready to slowly (very, very slowly) think a bit more carefully about the food I’m choosing in terms of nutrition. I read The F*ck It diet and the author talks a lot about how long it can take to recover from disordered eating (months, years), and I agree with that. I really only now feel like I’m “refed” and out of a famine state since I was so frequently restricting.
All this to say that food and our relationships with our bodies – especially as women – is so, so complicated and I agree with Nicole that there are GREAT, supportive resources out there and I hope you find exactly the supports you need as you continue on your journey <3
I am so, so glad you have come around to having a more nuanced look at what you’re eating and weighing yourself. It’s hard to get out of the mindset of dieting/weighing ourselves, but it’s so freeing when we can do it, isn’t it? I really needed these past few years to not worry about any diets at all and just eat what I feel like eating. Unfortunately, my body does not seem to crave all of the protein-rich, nourishing foods that I need so it’s time to figure out a more healthy way to eat that doesn’t feel like being on a diet but ALSO addresses some of my more problematic blood work numbers.
Thanks so much for sharing and talking so openly about this. I know you’ve been on quite a journey and it’s been refreshing to follow along and see how you’ve been shifting your mindset.
I think the key point in your post is that you want to lose weight because of your lab work first and foremost and I think it’s great that this is your main focus of motivation… I do hope you find a nutritionist that meets you right where you’re at and will focus on your goals (not necessarily body image or number on the scale).
You mentioned that you never learned how to properly nourish your body and I think the nutritionist should absolutely be able to help you with this. I also think small changes at a time will be the way to go as you learn to recognize what foods make you feel good.
We often “crave” foods that make us feel good while we consume them, but not so much later. I think a lot of people don’t know what the body actually feels like when you nourish your body properly. I am very, very excited for your journey (and yes, I do think it’ll help with anxiety too – at least that’s what Jon has been experiencing when we started cleaning up his diet!) Good luck my friend!
Thanks so much, San! You are truly one of my inspirations when it comes to eating better because you seem to find eating healthfully so intuitive (probably because you didn’t grow up in America with our reliance on preservatives and sugary foods!). I hope to get to a similar place and working with a dietician is probably the best thing I can do for myself to get me there. <3
I really love this post, and in so many ways, it mirrors what I’m feeling and experiencing, too. I no longer feel pressured to have THE PERFECT BODY (which is… what, exactly?) I’m not beholden to beauty standards or the size of my jeans. AND YET. I’ve also had some concerning bloodwork, and I feel myself getting creakier and sweatier and just generally having a bit of a harder time getting around than I used to. In so many ways, of course, some of that is age, and some of it, like a few of my health conditions, are beyond my control. But much of it IS in my control, and I am simply… not controlling it. It’s time for me to take real responsibility for my heakth and truly figure out, once and for all, how to eat intuitively and healthfully and sustinably. I’m scheduling a dietitian apointment, too. GO US!
I’m so proud of us! I feel like we have both come a very long way, and I really think that working with a dietician will definitely help us in our goal to be healthier for a long time.
Stephany, I LOVE how strong you are (and how hard you’ve fought to get there). And I love that you want to focus on your health and not a number or food restrictions or prescribed diets that require tracking, counting, etc. etc. etc. Your health is so, so important. We need you to stick around as long as possible, please! Your presence in this world is so desperately needed. <3
And remember – you are in charge of figuring out which dietician (and I would wholeheartedly recommend an RD, not just someone who "took a course" but I suspect you know this…) is best for YOU. So interview them! They are helping you, not "everyone else". Your dietary and other preferences are so important – and they need to know that information in order to help you figure out how to change. So don't let ANYONE tell you you have to eat things you dislike. Please. 🙂 Sorry this is so long – but oh, this is so important. And I'm so thankful you shared this. <3