All my life, I’ve been called a slow eater. Mainly, this came from my dad and brother who were annoyed at having to sit through meal after meal with me.
A week ago, I was at dinner with Bri. I ordered mac and cheese and Brussels sprouts (#balanced) and ate maybe half of each. She asked if I didn’t like my meal and I said I liked it just fine, but that I had eaten as much as I wanted and I was finished. She commended me, saying how she’ll just eat and eat until she’s too full to move. And for the first time, I didn’t feel shame about my weird eating habits.
I am a super slow eater and I rarely eat big portions. When I eat, I will take a bite of food, put down my utensil, and then fully chew and swallow my food before I pick up my fork or spoon again. I’m not saying this to brag because it’s a fully subconscious activity on my part. I don’t think about it. It’s just the way I eat. Maybe it’s due to having a small mouth and an intense gag reflex—I have to eat smaller portions to make sure I don’t gag on my food. (Am I a baby?!) But it also means I am being more cognizant of my fullness levels, and when I reach it, I am done. And that means I am never a member of the “clean your plate” club.
You’d think this would be a good thing, but it actually makes me feel very self-conscious. I hate when a waiter asks if I didn’t enjoy a meal because I didn’t eat the whole thing or even most of the whole thing. And then when they ask if I want a box, I’ll always say yes even if I know I will be throwing that box right in the trash when I get home. (#enneagram9 behavior) I want to be someone who enjoys food as much as the people around me, but I typically eat enough to feel satisfied that I’ve nourished myself and then I’m done.
And I’m not even one of those “food is fuel” sorts of people. I enjoy food. I think about it constantly. I look forward to a good meal. I just eat less of it than other people for the most part.
I’ve always hated eating with other people. Part of it is that I’m an extremely picky eater and I’m always worried that I won’t be able to find something to eat at a particular restaurant or someone will offer to make dinner and they’ll make something I can’t eat. The other part is that I don’t eat a lot in one sitting. (I feel the need to keep stressing that I’m not bragging about this; it feels more like a curse than a blessing. As you can plainly tell from this post, I wish I was someone who could eat a lot!) So then I feel bad that I didn’t eat as much as I “should” have if someone made me dinner, or that I’m wasting their money if they have offered to pick up the tab. (If I’m paying for my own meal, I don’t care if I’m leaving most of the meal on my plate, but I feel terrible if someone else is paying.)
You’d think that someone who isn’t a foodie and doesn’t eat large portions of food would be straight-sized, wouldn’t you? I think there are a few reasons why I’ve still managed to gain weight even with my slow-eating tendencies:
- I’m not eating nourishing foods. I’m eating pizza many times a week. I’m consuming lots of sugar and soda and fried foods. I may not eat big portions of them, but it means I’m taking in less fruits and vegetables.
- I have tried to become someone who isn’t a slow eater. I feel self-conscious about it so I pretend that I want to clean my whole plate and eat far beyond what’s comfortable to me.
- My eyes are always bigger than my stomach. If a friend suggests ice cream, I will always say yes and then get a big scoop that is way too much for me, but I’ll finish it because I don’t want to a) make a friend feel weird about eating their entire portion and b) encourage lots of questions as to why I’m not finishing my food.
I also realize that the way we eat can be a very fraught topic because of eating disorders. We all bring our own biases into food—those who have struggled with eating disorders may just want to ensure I am not engaging in disordered eating patterns. Those who are trying to heal from disordered eating may feel self-conscious about their eating habits for an entirely different reason. I think the point I’m trying to make here is not that we should never make comments on the way people are eating, especially if it’s coming from a place of concern, but to a) never do it in a group setting at a dinner table and b) recognize that we all have different eating preferences and it’s okay if my way is much different than yours.
Ever since Bri mentioned how great it is to eat the way I do, I’ve been thinking about what it could mean to fully immerse myself in being a slow eater. Instead of feeling self-conscious about the way I eat, I can just accept that this is my preference. I’ve always gotten comments on my eating habits, which is always interesting because I don’t think we make the same comments when straight-size people eat big portions (or even small portions). But people do seem to feel like commenting on the way fat people eat is fair game. But that’s why I will keep eating or will order that dessert even when I’m full because I don’t want comments aimed in my direction. And maybe it’s time to finally meet those comments head-on. (A very scary thing for this non-confrontational gal to do.)
There is freedom, though, in eating the way you want to eat. No matter what that looks like or what other people will think of you. I found that freedom when I stopped dieting and now, again, when I realized that eating the way I eat (very slowly, being a picky eater, and eating half of what’s on my plate) is okay.
Are you a slow eater?
I am a naturally fast eater who has been trained by diet culture to feel bad about it. Back when I dd Weight Watchers, there was a much-touted tip to chew each bite 25 times and drink x number if sips of water per x number of bites. Part of intuitive eating is to eat exactly how you describe and really savor the feeling of growing full– I am working on it.
Oh god, you brought me back with that WW tip. I remember that! There was such an emphasis on chewing and eating slowly. While you’re trying to work on eating more slowly, I’m just trying to work on being okay with the fact that I am a slow eater!
I am a fast eater, but I have decided that you and I should go out for dinner, as I would be totally happy to eat the other half of whatever you ordered. Haha! Actually, I like sharing with the table, whether it is one person or several, and I think maybe that could alleviate some of your stress, as you can eat however much you want and then the other person or people can eat the rest! Or maybe that is too simple and/or you are already doing that. I hate wasting food, and so will either eat it or will take it home and eat it, but more often it is the former. It is just easier for me to eat it rather than worry about taking home a little morsel.
We would be great partners at a meal, haha. I do like the tip of sharing meals – I recently did that with a friend at book club and it was the first time I felt so satisfied with a meal in a really long time.
I WISH I was a slow eater! I am a very fast eater, and I think that’s because I come from a big family and if I wanted seconds, I better eat fast so I could get some (to be clear, there was plenty of food on the table, but sometimes we’d run out of a side or something). I have tried to slow down and be mindful of what I am eating/enjoy the eating process. But it is not at all intuitive! My MIL is the slowest eater I’ve ever encountered, though. Prolonged, slow meals are not great when you have little kids so she’s gotten used to us cleaning up around her, doing the dishes, etc. She knows she is a slow eater and she always has been. It’s kind a joke now but she kind of likes that the dishes are all done by the time she finishes eating.
I could sleep a bit later on weekend mornings but I intentionally get up a bit before Will so that I can eat my breakfast quickly before he wakes up. If I hear Phil coming downstairs with him, I basically inhale what I am eating so I don’t have to share it with him. Ha. How bad is that??
I do wonder how my eating habits would change if I had kids! I imagine it’s a lot different, haha.
I don’t feel like I’m as slow an eater as your MIL, but I definitely take small bites and am always the last to finish a meal, lol. I always feel so self-conscious about it, as if everyone is waiting around on me!
I am glad you are working on being okay with the way you eat! Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Some people (me) are raised to clear the plate and that is not always the best choice. Good for you for knowing when you are full!
But why are you throwing the leftovers out? Not your thing? We LOVE leftovers!
FWIW, I had a wonderful dining experience with you and your mom and didn’t notice you eating slow or being picky.
I am a VERY fast eater. One of my goals this year was to slow down and savor so thanks for this reminder!
I should have been clear that I don’t ALWAYS throw leftovers out; only when I bring something home that I know won’t heat up well. Like this past weekend, I brought home quesadillas and I just think heated-up quesadillas are gross. They get soggy and yuck, lol.
I wish I had some tips for how to slow down when eating, but it’s just something I do! I do think it’s because my mouth is small and eating too fast will make me choke. I AM BABY.
A common comorbidity of one of my husband’s illnesses is something called eosiniphilic esophagitis, which causes a narrowing of the esophagus and that means food gets stuck really easily. (I mean, OF COURSE my husband has this.) He chews his food into the finest of pastes and it takes him a very long time to eat. He’s had food stuck in esophagus three times in his life and really doesn’t want it to happen again. He’ll start breakfast before I even begin making mine and I will make mine, eat it, do my dishes, and take a shower before he’s done eating! LOL. I also eat like I’m never going to see food again (leftover trauma reaction to not having enough food as a child) and we are quite a pair. Ha! My husband doesn’t like people watching him eat, so I know that as soon as I’m done with my own meal, I can just leave him to struggle through eating on his own. It works for us, but I guess if we ate out in restaurants, it would be a challenge.
So, you know. You’re not alone.
Oh, wow! My mom has had to get her esophagus widened before and she sometimes gets food stuck in there, too! I don’t know if she has that exact condition, or if it’s due to her thyroid condition, or some other reason, but it can be so scary for her!
You would just need to bring a book while you’re at a restaurant! He can eat slowly while you get a few chapters in. 😉
I used to eat very slowly. I never felt self-conscious about it, it’s just how I was. When I was little, my mom would cook dinner for us, we would sit down and eat, and then she would set a timer for 30 minutes. Whatever I didn’t eat by then went to the cat. She wanted to get the dishes done, and I was pretty small, too young to do my own. I ate slowly because of what you said, a gag reflex. I chewed my food very thoroughly before swallowing.
Then I had my daughter. I don’t know if the change was physiological or just wolfing down my food so I could take care of my colicky baby, but ever since, I am a fast eater. I don’t wolf my food down, but I definitely don’t feel like I have to chew each bite as much anymore. And my daughter is in your age group, so I can’t say it’s taking care of my baby anymore. HA!
I’m sorry you feel self conscious about eating in front of people. People really need to mind their own business.
It’s hard to feel like your eating choices are going to be judged no matter what you do! Gah. I do wonder if my eating habits would gradually change if I had kids – I’m seeing that sentiment echoed in some of these comments!
I eat obscenely quickly. I don’t even want to pick apart the psychology of why. But it’s so fast. Ugh. Part of me wants to “work” on it, but like Sarah said above – part of intuitive eating is leaning into things and not being so judgemental and I’ve been eating intuitively for a year and it has really helped me deal with some long-standing issues with food. I think that I actually *do* eat food more slowly now than I used to because I’m not over-hungry and I just eat what I want, when I want…but I definitely wish I ate more slowly both for digestion and so I enjoyed the flavours more deeply. I LOVE food. Why do I consume it so quickly? (Though, when my kids were little if I wanted to eat and I wanted the food to be even moderately warm, I needed to eat fast.
FASCINATING TOPIC!
It really is an interesting topic! Why do we eat the way we do?! I can’t even give tips on how to eat more slowly because it’s just something I do because that’s what feels good to me. It’s subconscious! Maybe have a small mouth and intense gag reflex so you have to eat food like you’re a toddler?! HA.
I am wholeheartedly a member of the Don’t Comment On People’s Eating Habits club and I wish our membership were much larger.
I am a fast eater — no idea why — and I eat big portions. I feel like I have a very difficult time assessing whether I’m full or not. I hate going out to eat with someone who says, “Oh wow, these portions are huge!” or “My goodness, this salad could feed three people!” because I *will* eat it all. People are different and food is fuel (and comfort! and pleasure!) and should not be an opening for people to comment on others’ eating habits or bodies. Sheesh.
(One of the things I have been learning about more recently is “volume” eating, where I get a massive bowl or plate of something, but it’s mostly veggies.)
A family member recently had bariatric surgery and eats teeny portions. When we go out to eat, I am very aware that I am eating MOUNDS more food than this person, and it makes me self conscious. I also feel bad that the food costs the same even though I end up eating way more. I’m sure it’s not financially feasible for restaurants, but it would be so nice if they offered half portions of every entree!
This is such an interesting perspective, and one I haven’t considered myself so thank you for bringing it up! I don’t think I make judgments like this about portion size, but it can bring about the same feelings of shame/discomfort as when someone comments to me about why I ate so little. Nobody should be commenting on other people’s eating habits! No matter how fast or slow or big or small. We all come to eating with different needs!
I hate when people comment about what I’m eating, or how. I am a pretty fast eater, and I don’t snack so my dinner meal is usually pretty big. Like, I could eat an entire roasted cauliflower by myself at dinner, and I actually do this weekly (along with other things). Once when I was out for dinner with friends, someone commented on my dinner. She said she couldn’t believe I ate that much food, and wow, that was so much food, how could I eat so much food, etc. It was really embarrassing.
Other than your friend Bri, who said that in such a kind and empowering way, I don’t think people should comment on what you or anyone eats. I think you should be commended for eating until you are full and then stopping. So many people do not have that ability, and I think it’s really great.
Ugh, I’m sorry you have also received comments about the way/how much you eat. It’s annoying to be on either side of that coin. I just think people should leave everyone alone about their eating habits and let them eat the way they want to eat! As long as they’re not harming themselves, there’s no reason to insert an opinion.
I’m also a slow eater, but probably not as slow as you. It really is healthier to eat slowly- most people eat too fast. I agree it does get awkward when everyone else is done and waiting for you.
When my son was in high school, he had several friends over for his birthday. When it was time for cake, one of the boys (a slender, athletic kid) said he didn’t want any, and for some reason I blurted out “What, are you on a diet?” Afterwards I felt terrible- there could be any number of reasons why he didn’t want cake, and it’s NONE OF MY BUSINESS. For some reason, people love to comment on what other people are eating! I hate it when people do it to me, and after that incident I’ve been extremely careful not to do it to other people.
The good thing about that story is that you recognized that you said something potentially harmful and will be more careful in the future! I’ve done the same thing, so you’re not alone. I think as we all become more aware of diet culture and the way we can perpetuate it in big and little ways, we will all start doing better about not commenting on other people’s eating habits. (Now I want cake, though.)
This is a really interesting topic, Stephany. Thanks for bringing it up. I don’t think I am a fast eater (Jon eats way faster than me LOL), but I’ve definitely been in company of others who eat way slower…. and from my perspective I can tell you, being the fast eater can be just as uncomfortable as being the slow eater.
I have felt self-conscious at times when I finished before others at a dinner. Also, like Nicole, I can eat big portions (I am not much of a snacker, so my dinner portion can be substantial) and that can also feel like something people put up for “discussion”.
I agree with everyone here though that nobody should comment on someone’s eating habits, or at least not in any judging or condescending way. I think there’s a gazillion reasons why people eat the way they eat.
Yes, I totally agree! No matter how you eat – fast OR slow – it can make one feel very self-conscious. It’s not a fun feeling, and I want everyone to be able to eat the way they want to eat without any silly comments made.
Oh, Stephany. So many thoughts bubbling to the surface. First, of course, I completely agree that no one should be judged for what they eat, when, and how. That is no one’s business but the person putting the food in their mouth. Second, I am a bit of a slow eater, with many different challenges related to food. I can’t tell you the number of times I have gotten unsolicited, um, “feedback” on my eating… habits (as a catch-all term). The worst of it is, my parents do this the most. And… I was going to completely hijack your comments with a long and irrelevant treatise on everything my parents do. Suffice it to say, I get you. Different experiences, similar outcomes. I’m out here, with you, my friend. <3
Oh, the comments from parents. I get that! My dad is the one who originally made me self-conscious about my slow eating habits and it’s something that’s followed me into adulthood! I’m sorry you’re still dealing with those unsolicited comments from your parents. 🙁