Fear

I’m not a big fan of Halloween. I don’t know why, but it’s never been a holiday that fills me with excitement. Growing up, I didn’t put too much thought into my costume, never went to a haunted house, and the only plus side to the whole holiday was the candy. I don’t understand why people enjoy being scared by visiting such events as Halloween Horror Nights and Howl-O-Scream or watching scary movies. Or maybe I don’t understand it because I live it every day.

I live my life in a constant state of fear. My stomach feels in a perpetual state of knots of everything that I worry about throughout the day.

Worry I will get a call, saying someone in my family has died.

Worry I will be fired from my job.

Worry something I blog about or tweet will be ripped apart and crucified.

Worry something terrible will happen to my dog.

Worry I will find out I have a terrible disease (or cancer) when I finally drag myself to the doctor.

Worry my anger will get the better of me while driving and cause an accident.

Worry I will end up in prison. (Like father, like daughter?)

Worry I don’t have what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.

Worry about what people think of me: as a girl who is perpetually single, still lives with her mom, and has few friends (at least in real life).

Worry I am wasting my life away and will look back with regret on the life I led.

Fear is an awful way to live. It infests itself in every facet of your life, causing you to pass by opportunities and lose focus. You look behind you, instead of ahead. You never feel safe, never feel fully happy and content. You burrow further and further into this shell you’ve created because it’s the only place you feel a modicum of peace. It’s never full peace, but it’s there and for now, that’s OK.

It’s not OK. It’s not OK to go about life this way. It’s not OK for me to never feel safe. It’s not OK for me to worry about every little situation that can occur. It’s not OK for me to demean myself when something goes wrong. It’s not OK for me to continue to let fear live inside of me, to let impossible could-be situations crop up and grab hold of my heart.

I go to bed with my heart racing. I wake up in the middle of the night convinced my mother lay dead in her bed. I spend my entire day in fits of worry, fear manifesting itself in every little way it can.

It’s an awful way to live and it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to stop letting the fear control my life and start punching it in the face.

I’m 23 years old. I have an entire lifetime to live. And I refuse to spend that lifetime in fear.

Note: When my insurance kicks in next month, I plan on finding out if therapy appointments are covered. I work for a small company, so I’m not 100% sure it will be. Even if they don’t, I know there are other, more financially feasible options available for me. I know I suffer from some form of anxiety, but I’m not sure what or if it would require medication or just finding a way to talk through my issues. (Possibly both.) What I do know is these intense level of worry and fear is not normal and I need help.