1) Bad news first
On Wednesday, my doctor’s office called me with the bad news: I have severe obstructive sleep apnea. This means that I’m having more than 30 apneas/hypopneas per hour while I’m sleeping. (Apneas are episodes where I stop breathing; hypopneas are episodes when I have shallow breathing due to partially blocked airways). I’ve been trying to process this news this week because while I was fairly confident I’d receive a sleep apnea diagnosis, I did not realize that my condition was this bad. It puts a lot of things into perspective, including why I’m so tired all the time. I’m not just a lazy person! It’s because I’m barely getting the good deep sleep I need and I’m not delivering enough oxygen to my cells and through my bloodstream!
The next step for me is to do a CPAP titration sleep study, which will take place in a sleep lab. (Ugh.) I need to do this study to get properly fitted for a CPAP machine and make sure it’s delivering the desired airflow I need to not have these apneas/hypopneas throughout the night. And then I’ll start my new life of sleeping with a CPAP machine. I know it will take some getting used to, but I’m also looking forward to seeing how this improves my quality of life. Will I finally understand what it means to be well-rested? Will I not need to take a nap almost every day to keep going? Stay tuned!
2) Weight loss
It is time to think about weight loss. First, there are the concerning bloodwork numbers: high cholesterol, high glucose, high A1C. Then, there’s this sleep apnea diagnosis. Now, I know that sleep apnea can be caused by a lot of factors, not solely weight, but I have a strong suspicion that my weight is causing it for me. If I can reverse the condition by losing weight, I want to at least try. If I was healthy at the weight I am at today, then I’d continue doing what I’ve been doing. But the truth is that I am not and I need to figure out what a healthy weight is for me. I am nervous about making this statement, and super nervous about figuring out how I’m going to actually lose weight, because I am still firmly anti-diet culture. I am not joining WW or Noom or any of those programs. I’ve already talked to my dietician about this diagnosis and we have an appointment next week to discuss what to do next. All I know is that I want to figure out a way to lose weight in a healthy way, in a way that doesn’t feel like deprivation, and in a way that leads me to living the healthier lifestyle I need to not have dozens of health problems down the road.
3) Eloise is 6!
Let’s move on to better subjects: Eloise’s birthday! She turned 6 years old on Wednesday, which I’ve learned means she turned the big 4-0 in human years. I didn’t do anything wild and crazy for her birthday because, well, she had no idea it wasn’t just a normal day in her world. I gave her lots of love and sang Happy Birthday to her throughout the day, and she got to have a full Meaty Stick as a special treat (I usually break them in half and give one to each cat; yes, Lila also got a full Meaty Stick, I’m not a monster). I haven’t figured out exactly what I want to buy her for her birthday, but I’m taking a trip to PetSmart this weekend so hopefully I will be inspired.
I’ve written many posts about these cats of mine, but let’s talk about Ellie for a second. Also known as Ellie-Bellie or just Bellie, she is my soul-cat. I feel connected to her on a deep, personal level. When I had to evacuate to Fort Lauderdale during a hurricane in 2022, I lost Ellie for a few hours. We had just gotten to an Airbnb with me, the cats, my mom, my stepdad, and the dogs, and I had closed the girls up in the bedroom I was staying in. When I went back into that bedroom to check on them, I was able to see Lila hiding under the bedside table, but Ellie was nowhere to be found. I searched everywhere for her in that room and throughout the house. My mom and I even went outside to look for her, calling her name. I was in panic mode and so frustrated with myself for losing her. I couldn’t eat dinner, couldn’t read, couldn’t do anything but think about Ellie being outside in the rain and scared. I felt like the worst cat mom ever! I went back to my bedroom and was just laying on the bed, contemplating life without Eloise (I’m super dramatic, yes)… and then who prances her little tuxedo self from behind Lila and meowing at me, like, “Oh, were you looking for me? My b!” Yes, this means Lila hid a full-sized cat with her body. I really thought I had looked under the bedside table, but I guess she got lost in the shadows. I was so grateful she was safe and here and warm and I could give her all the kisses I wanted. Every time I think about that night and how scared I was when I thought I had lost her, it reminds me how damn much this sassy, silly cat means to me.
4) TTPD
Should we talk about The Tortured Poet’s Department? Yes, we should. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about this album, and I was very overwhelmed when I realized there were THIRTY-ONE songs to listen to. (How does she find the time?!) During my first listen, I was not sure if this was going to be the album for me. It’s very depressing at times, all about the ins and outs of heartbreak, of being a public figure, of having to put on a brave face in the midst of hard things happening. It made me feel really sad for Taylor! But during my second listen, I was suddenly hooked. This is generally how it goes for me with Taylor, though. I need at least two or three listens to get a feel for the album. I have a lot of skips on this album, but that’s to be expected with so many songs! It’s hard to name my favorites but I’ll try:
- My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
- Down Bad
- So Long, London
- Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?
- I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
- So High School
5) Weekend plans
I have a really fun weekend ahead of me! I don’t have anything going on tonight, which is good because I need to build up the battery reserves for Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday, I have a writing date with Mikaela in the morning, a podcast recording date with Bri in the afternoon, and then game night with the fam in the evening. I’m also going to try to slip in some shopping with my mom between podcasting and game night. And on Sunday, Bri and I have an adventure day planned! We’re going to spend the day at Egmont Key State Park, exploring the ruins and lighthouse and then relaxing on the beach. I can’t wait!
Your thoughts on TTPD? What are your weekend plans?
That’s for sure a lot to process (and in-lab sleep studies just are weird), but also such a validation for how tired you are and all the props from me for functioning as amazingly as you do if that is how disrupted your sleep is! I somehow planned back to back days of activities this weekend (seeing a play with my daughter Sat afternoon and another with my college roommate on Sun afternoon), so my only plans for Fri pm are to read and chill (and hoping my family will be onboard with that, haha)!
It’s very hard when we “accidentally” plan these busy weekends, isn’t it? I like having one active day followed by a very chill Sunday, but sometimes that’s just not possible. I try to remind myself that having a busy, full life is a GIFT!
I’m so sorry about the sleep study results. I hope you notice big changes. I know SO many people that have CPAP machines. For some people it has literally changed their lives (I have three family members that use a CPAP machine and all of them have gotten used to it relatively quickly, but didn’t notice any real impact to energy levels…but I suspect with the number of apneas you’re having, you’ll see great results).
Weight is just…so hard. I am straight-sized but definitely fall in the overweight (likely obese) category on BMI charts. I think we both feel the same way about BMI, though – TOTAL BS. I have hereditary high cholesterol and it sucks. I have avoided using meds so far, but really do need to keep my weight in check and, right now, I’m definitely weighing more than I should for cholesterol purposes. Sigh. HAVING A BODY and keeping it IN SHIP SHAPE IS HARD! Sending you love and courage and so much grace and kindness as you work together to find a plan that will be affirming and support your health goals.
I’m always a bit Meh about Taylor Swift. So Long London and Favourite Toys are my favourite tracks so far, but I haven’t listened to all of them. Seriously, when does she get the time? She is a MACHINE. And one of the most impressive businesswomen ever. Even though I’m meh about her music most of the time, her abilities and intelligence in how to build and maintain a business empire are EPIC.
Thank you, friend. I’m hoping I get used to the CPAP machine relatively quickly, and I’m really curious if it impacts my daytime sleepiness. I hope so! It would be grand to be able to get 8 hours of sleep and not feel like I need a nap halfway through the day.
Having a body is a hard thing! I feel very apprehensive about the idea of losing weight, but I know my body needs it because I am having health issues that are most likely due to my weight/diet/exercise. So it’s time to figure this whole thing out… but in a kind, nourishing way!
Aw Stephany, I’m glad that you have an answer but sorry that it’s a tough answer and so much to take in. I know that your dietitian will have some good and supportive ideas about where to take things from here.
I like the sound of your weekend! One night to yourself, and two days of epic fun including a LIGHTHOUSE!!! Woo hoo!!!
Thanks so much, friend! I’m glad they were able to mine enough data from my sleep study to give me a diagnosis, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to have a severe case! But now I know and I can move forward with what’s next!
I’m so glad that you took that sleep study, and I hope that the CPAP helps you get good, restorative sleep. I’m also glad that you found such an amazing dietician who can help you to navigate going forward. Weight loss is SO difficult. Our bodies really want to hang on to every ounce, and then we get so much societal pressure, it becomes a lot more complicated and emotional than would be ideal.
Happy Birthday to your sweet kitty, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I haven’t listened to much of the new TS album, but I like ‘Who’s afraid’ so far.
Today I am getting my hair done (yay! It’s been 12 weeks, and it SHOWS). Tomorrow we’re going to see my Great Aunt and celebrate her 100th birthday (yay!). No plans for Sunday.
Thank you! I do hope the CPAP helps and I don’t find it as cumbersome to sleep with as I expected. I am hoping I can find some success with weight loss, but can’t lie I’m nervous about it. I’m hoping I can put together a good plan with my dietician.
Well, it’s always good to get a diagnosis. Just think if you start use the CPAP and start to feel AMAZING. Considering how little sleep you’ve been getting, I would imagine the CPAP could make a huge difference. And I know I already said this, but I know someone who uses one and said it’s the best thing ever. Good luck with it.
Happy Birthday Eloise!!!!!!!
Sounds like you have a fun weekend lined up. i’m working this morning (sigh) and then have nothing planned- which means reading, nap, and maaaaybe some closet organizing if I feel energetic. We’ll see!
I really hope using a CPAP is less cumbersome than I expect AND I hope it helps me feel better rested. It’s crazy to think my brain is keeping me alive again and again after all these apneas. Good job, brain!
The sleep study and bloodwork results sound like a lot to process. I think your approaches are so reasonable and I’m glad you have the support of your dietician to help you make plans that stay true to your needs.
Like you, it usually takes a few listens before I get into a new TS album. I have only heard the first half of TTPD so far, so I have a ways to go before I can select favorites.
Hope your busy Saturday is as fun and fulfilling as it sounds!
There has been a lot to process in regards to my health lately. The good (?) news is that, for the most part, I can make changes to help improve my bloodwork numbers (and NOT get a diabetes diagnosis!) and maybe even help with the sleep apnea. We’ll see!
Would you believe that when I presented on the national sales call last week, I started off my quoting Taylor swift lyrics from the title track. I had a lot of time in the car last weekend (but only the original album which I had pre-ordered. I had to request a ‘return’ from iTunes so I could buy the anthology but I digress). Anyways I used the lyrics: ‘who will decode you… who’s gonna know you if not me?’ I used those lines because I was talking about a competitor grid that would help sales talk about our products versus competitors and also said my team’s role is to help you decode the dizziness array of products we have. I think it worked or was at least memorable?? Ha.
I am sorry about the apnea but this might be a blessing in the long run. My dad used to fall asleep all the time and since wearing a CPAP he has way more energy! The weight topic is tough but I am glad you have a dietician you trust to help you figure out what might work for you.
Lisa, I am in AWE that you quoted Taylor Swift during your national sales call. I LOVE THAT SO MUCH! You’re probably the only person in the world who would connect TS with finance, hahaha.
Good to hear that your dad has seen lots of improvement from using a CPAP. I hope the same is true for me!
What a fun weekend ahead. Whiting you lots of fun.
I am sorry about your sleep apnea diagnose. This sucks. As I mentioned my dad has a severe one too and he sleeps with the machine now. He feels much better, doesn’t snore anymore and even if he doesn’t use the machine every once in a while his sleep is so much better. He is overweight and reducing would probably help but it has effects. I guess you can learn to sleep with it. I am hoping it helps you too.
I have listened to the audiobook Glucose revolution – mainly to work towards my migraines but I don’t mind (asking for) some weight loss too. I find her tips are manageable to integrate in everyday eating habits. I think I will re-listen/read and write everything down as with audiobooks I tend to miss half the things. Maybe it’s also helpful for you.
I’m glad a CPAP machine has helped your dad. I’m still waiting to get scheduled for the sleep study so I need to call them today about it!
I added Glucose Revolution to my TBR – thank you for the rec. It sounds like something that could be really helpful to me right now.
Look, hot take time from me. I think Taylor should have stepped out of the spotlight after the Superbowl. I think she’s oversaturated. I am not listening to TTPD for a long, long time, I think. But I’m glad it’s there for people who want to hear about how hard it is to be rich and famous.
I’ve heard from people with sleep apnea that their lives are so much different when they get it treated, so I hope you have success with whatever outcomes helps you. You’ll probably feel like a brand new person.
I really hope the CPAP machine helps me sleep better at night and have more energy during the day. Fingers crossed!
Jamie of The Popcast thinks Taylor is holding out to headline the next Superbowl and THEN she’ll get out of the spotlight for a while, so we may have another 10 months of this, eeks. By then, she’ll have probably put out 2 more albums HA.
Oh gosh. How are you feeling about the diagnosis? I am glad they figured it out, but WHOA! That is a lot to take in. I am so glad you got it looked in to. My mother wears a mask like that to sleep and she said it’s improved her sleep so much, so I hope you have the same outcome!
I am confident you and your dietician will come up with a good plan for you to lose weight. It is possible to do it in a healthy way and not feel deprived or be restrictive! (I know cause I’ve done it) I am so glad you have your dietician to help you with this.
Happy Birthday Ellie! What did you end up getting her? Are we at the point now where we can laugh about the hurricane story? I was so concerned when it was happening, but I feel enough time has passed? LOL
I’m still trying to process the diagnosis, honestly. But it does make me REALLY grateful I pushed to get the sleep study done because I was pretty convinced I had sleep apnea. It’s just crazy to think of how long I lived with this and only got the study done because I was curious!
I’ll have to pick your brain some about your weight-loss journey and doing it in a non-restrictive way!
She got a racecar scratching pad to replace her groovy bus and some fun wands to play with!
Very sorry to hear about the diagnosis. It sounds you have a team to help you navigate the condition.
That story about you losing Ellie is so sad, I can’t imagine! So glad she was there the whole time! Happy birthday kitty; give her a scratch for me! I am one of the few people who have not listened to TTPD and not really planning on it. I mainly listen to Russian music 😉
It was so frightening to lose Ellie, especially because we were in a strange location and I had no idea how she would ever find her way back to me. Thank goodness it all ended up okay!
I am glad that you have an answer for your tiredness, even though it’s not ideal. At least you can move forward! Also I hope that your dietitian visit goes well and you can come up with a solution that works for both the weight loss and hopefully subsequent better sleep!
My Dad just did the same test that you did but has not gotten his results yet. I have a feeling he too is going to need a CPAP as we often hear him stop breathing in the night.
Even though this isn’t the diagnosis I wanted, it does make me feel better about how tired I am all the time! Oh, okay, maybe I’m not just a lazy bitch, lol.
Can I just take a moment to give you a standing ovation, my friend? I think we need to name 2024 the year you took care of your health. Look at everything you’ve done: you pushed for the sleep study; you found and are meeting regularly with a dietitian who is willing to *meet you where you are*; you joined a GYM; you (as far as I know) seek mental health support when you need it. It is absolutely amazing to “watch” from afar.
I’ve been there – getting a diagnosis that blows you out of the water, so to speak – and it’s not easy. But there are things you can do and you are doing them. Tackling both diet/weight (sigh l hate to even mention it) and the sleep apnea could have such a positive impact on your life. My thoughts are with you and please know that we will all be cheering for you as you continue down this path. <3 <3 <3
(BTW, just a head's up – people I know who use CPAP swear by the specialty pillows. I know you're a 1000+ pillow person, but you may want to consider it as you make the transition. And also – the masks are so much better than before, and they can be switched out if one irritates your skin, doesn't fit properly [they should check this at the lab], etc.)
Hugs, friend.
Ah man, I am so sorry about the sleep study results, but on the other hand, maybe you needed this kick in the butt to make some changes. I hope the CPAP machine will help and make you feel so good and rested that trying to tackle that weight loss will feel like a must-do in order to get your health back on track. Your health is so important!
Well, on a lighter note… it’ll either makes you chuckle or be in disbelief that I had to google “The Tortured Poet’s Department” because I did not know what it is LOL (sorry, not a Swiftie over here).