My best friend died four months ago.
He came into my life at a time when I was lost and confused. A few months prior, I had failed out of my education internship and, as such, had to reassess my options. Continue on the education path or try something new?
When we picked him up from a relative’s house, I was mere days away from starting journalism school. It was almost as if he was my new beginning.
He was there for me through every part of journalism school – the long days, the weekends filled with homework, the studying, the writing – and then for everything that happened after. The first job, the second job. The move from one apartment to another to another to another. The bad dates, the good dates. The boyfriends, the broken hearts.
He was there when I made the decision to estrange myself from my father. He was there when my grandma died. He was my ever-constant companion in a world that usually made no sense.
After he died, I didn’t know how I would ever be ok. Logically, I knew I would figure it out. I would learn to live without the tap, tap, tap of his fingernails as he roamed through my apartment. Our apartment. I would learn to live without the comforting weight of his body pressed up next to me every night. I would learn to live without him greeting me with the wiggle of his butt and kisses all over my face every time I came home.
And I have. It hasn’t been easy. But I have.
***
I’ve reached a new normal over these last few months. My life is completely different now than it was when he was alive. I can spend more time out of my apartment because I don’t have to be constantly aware of his bathroom needs. I can get a full night of sleep again (something I haven’t had in two years or more). I don’t have to be constantly aware of where he is and if he’s okay – no more rescuing him when he got lost in a corner and couldn’t figure out how to get out.
I’m healing.
***
I still have dreams about Dutch. Every now and then, I wake up and think he’s still next to me. Sometimes, I still think I’m going to come home and see him. But when these things happen, it doesn’t fill me with oppressive grief anymore. Instead, it fills me with fondness for the time we had. I am so grateful that he was mine for nine whole years and we got to have one of those love stories that not many people get. Forget human relationships – there is nothing more pure than the love between a dog and his person. I was Dutch’s person, and I’ll never have another dog like him again. We were connected in a way that transcends understanding.
***
I have a lot of people asking me when I’m going to get another dog. It’s a fair question because I was obsessed with Dutch and I’m obsessed with dogs in general. It’s very weird for me to live an animal-less life right now. It’s strange to come home to an empty apartment and not have a four-legged friend roaming around my apartment. And ever since my mom brought home Chip, it’s nonstop. “You need a puppy!” “Chip needs a friend!” “You probably have puppy fever, don’t you?” “When are you going to get a dog?”
The truth is, I’m still not ready. And honestly, I have no idea when I will be ready. It still feels blasphemous to adopt another pet when I’m still so damn sad every day that Dutch isn’t here with me. I don’t feel as if I could properly love another animal right now.
Right now, Chip is fulfilling my needs. He’s the puppy who is healing my heart, slowly piecing it back together one tiny puppy kiss at a time. He’s the one who is helping me to understand that what I had with Dutch is special and I can have it again with another dog when I’m ready. But for now, I’ve got him to satisfy all of my puppy-related needs.
***
Next month will be the last month I receive a Chatbook of Dutch pictures. I put together these Chatbooks in January, at a time when I never suspected I’d be losing him in a matter of weeks. My first Chatbook of his pictures arrived a few days before he died. And now, every month, a new book of pictures arrives and I get to sit down and flip through them and smile at all the memories we had together. All the times he slept by my side while I read a book. All of our walks. All of our selfies.
The last book will shatter me. I know that. It chronicles the last year of his life, leading up to the last photos I will ever have of him. I don’t know what I’m going to do when that final book arrives. It’s almost as if that’s the closure I need. Almost as if Dutch has been giving me a small present once a month to mend my heart.
***
When you’re a dog owner, you know you’re giving away a piece of your heart for a short amount of time. These pups just don’t live as long as we wish they would. They fill up our lives for a short span of time and then we have to let them go. Gracefully, with the dignity they deserve. If we’re lucky enough, we’ll have a decade or more of time to spend with them, loving them and being loved. That’s what I nearly got with Dutch and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Every single second of grief from losing him has been worth the nine years of happiness he gave me.
So I guess what I’m trying to say with this post is that it’s been four months and I’m healing. Some days are better than others, and the good days far outweigh the bad days now. I am learning to live my life without my best friend by my side. And it’s still a good life. A great life, even. He was meant to help me through the years of journalism school and post-collegiate life. He was meant to be there for me when I moved to my own place and was scared out of my mind. And then he was meant to leave me when he knew I would be okay.
I’m okay, muffin. Missing you desperately, but I’m okay.
Oh, this is so heart-rending. I have been thinking of you these last few months, & I think of your Dutch every time I see a dachshund. I can totally understand how you don’t feel anywhere near ready to adopt a new little guy – but I love that Chip has entered your life in this way, at this time, to help you heal. Dutch wouldn’t want you to be without puppy cuddles! He was such a special little guy, & you two were so lucky to have one another.
Thank you. <3 It's been eye-opening to watch the way Chip interacts with the world and it reminds me that Dutch used to be that way, too! He was so slow and old near the end that I forget how silly and fun he was for most of his life. Dachshunds will forever hold a special place in my heart thanks to Dutch.
There is definitely something special about our fur babies. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a pet. I didn’t really grow up with animals as we stopped getting dogs when I was in elementary school. We got a cat when I was a junior on HS but he
I can’t imagine the pain of losing such a constant companion. I think you will know when you are ready for your next pet. In the meantime I am glad you have Chip in your life! Oscar is the first pet I have really had in my life. We had a cat when I was in HS but he lived outside and kept to himself and he was more so my mom’s cat, even though we got him from my HS boyfriend (his cat had babies). Oscar and Phil are sooo attached so I dread the day when something happens to her! I’m close to her, too, but it’s nothing like her bond with Phil.
It’s so very hard to lose a beloved pet, especially one you are so closely bonded to, like Phil and Oscar are. It’s a part of the process, sadly, because our pets don’t live as long as we want them to, but nothing can really prepare you to go from having a pet to not having a pet. It’s a new normal to get used to, and I’m getting there! I miss having a pet around, but for now, Chip is perfect for me.
I’m going through the same thing… I recently lost my beloved cat Oliver after 16 years together. It’s crazy to think he was with my throughout my teens and most of my 20’s.
I still have other pets but he was such a large presence in my life that my home feels so empty and quiet without him.
I’m so sorry for your loss! It is SO hard to lose one of our beloved family members, especially one we’ve had for such a long time. They become so ingrained in our daily lives and it’s hard to figure out how to move forward without them. Hugs and love to you. <3
OH I could cry! I am getting so choked up. I know how much he meant to you and my heart hurts for you still.
You put everything into perspective for me because lately… I’m more annoyed with my dogs than anything else. Ever since I had Caleb and started working FT on top of that, I have just been stressed and busy and so, they drive me bonkers. Dakota is a terror, but he’s been my companion for 7+ years. That’s longer than I’ve known Jerry! He’s a nuisance and a troublemaker and I have a hard time some days with him, but he is an unwavering friend and he loves me… and I love him back. Thank you for the reminder that we only get them for a short time! I know I have to be more patient with my little beasts. Sometimes they know better, but not always.
Don’t feel too guilty – I remember MANY long days and nights where I would get so frustrated with Dutch. I would come home to find accidents and have to spend 30 minutes cleaning it up (and also bathing him afterward, not fun!) Or he would be so restless at night and I would lose my patience with him. Dogs are a joy, but they can also be intensely frustrating. I get it! <3 I just try to remember that they're not doing anything to purposely frustrate us - they're animals and it's part of their behavior pattern. But they always, always love us unconditionally and look to us to fulfill all of their needs, and that's a responsibility I never took lightly.
Hugs! What a great post and tribute to him. Can you imagine your life throughout all those hard moments without him there?! What a comfort and constant friend he was to you, and you to him!!!
I am glad to hear you are healing, and doing it on YOUR terms. And that some things have gotten easier. It’s so great Chip is around so you can get your animal loving in, without making that commitment before you are ready! And of course, we all love seeing pics of him 😉
He truly was the best companion to help me through some of the more difficult moments of my twenties! Not sure how I would have survived them without him!
And yes, Chip is the sweetest little munchkin and healing my heart so well. <3
Forget human relationships – there is nothing more pure than the love between a dog and his person.
^ This is so, so true.
I am glad to hear you are healing. Feels a little awkward saying that as a first time commenter, but I have been reading your blog for a while now and I really think your relationship with Dutch is so beautiful. Another comment said it but it’s true: you two were lucky to have one another.
Thank you so much! I am always so glad to know my love for him shined through in my writing and posts.
All the love and hugs, lady. And I love how open you’ve been about your grief. I feel like some people don’t get it when we grieve the loss of our pets, but that’s bullshit. My dogs are more family to me than the people actually related to me by blood. They’ve been through so much with me and they’ve been the support through so many of life’s most difficult times.
“My dogs are more family to me than the people actually related to me by blood.” <-- Yes, yes, yes to this! Dutch was way more family to me than most of my own family, and it hurts to not have him around anymore. I know it was time for him to go and I made the right choice, but damn, it's hard to not have a companion that was constantly around me for a decade. But I'm figuring out this new normal and it gets better every day. Thanks for your sweet comment!
Yes that dog – owner relationship is soooo special. I have lost pets over the years, and this year in particular my mom and dad both had to put down their labs who have been their dogs (and really family dogs) for the past 12 years. But I know that when Chloe or Webster pass away is when I will really feel the true pain of losing a pet. Webster doesn’t live with us anymore, and he’s kind of become my brother’s cat and is now going to live with him, but I will always think of him as “my” cat and love him very much.
Sending all the hugs your way. Dutch is definitely watching out for you from doggie heaven! <3
Oh, I didn’t know that Webster didn’t live with you guys anymore! What prompted that decision, if you don’t mind me asking?
It’s so hard losing our beloved pets; nothing can really prepare us for it. They are such a big part of our daily lives, and it’s so weird when they’re not around anymore. I’m just grateful that I’ve been able to figure out my new normal and hopefully soon I’ll be ready for a pet again.
Sorry this ended up in my junk so that’s what I didn’t reply sooner 🙂
I loved Webster so much but he was really MY cat and was ornery with other people and especially kids so he was only going to go out to my dads for 6-7 months until Olivia was older and we had a chance to introduce them slowly… but then he really bonded with my brother and kind of became “his” cat and also the couple of times he has met Olivia he has NOT been happy and has growled or hissed at her. So what was going to be temporary ended up being forever. Which is sad, but I think he’s happier. He’s really more of a one person cat and kind of snubbed his nose at me the last time I went out there too because he’s bonded with my brother so much.
I’m just glad he is with family as I still get lots of pictures of him texted to me 🙂
Hugs my friend. I’ve never had a pet (sadly), but I can only imagine what a gaping hole Dutch’s death left in your life. I am happy to hear thought that you’re moving through the stages of grief and can also appreciate the special bond and time you had with him.
Thanks so much for your kind words, San! I’m getting through the grief and figuring out my new normal, and that’s all I can ask of myself. 🙂